Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Sassa - Pregnancy is a choice. There wasn't much of a choice on my part. But, thank you so much for pointing that out to me.
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A friend asked me if I'd mentioned to my doctor that I take Tylenol PM. Thinks my use of "sleepy aspirin" gave me breast cancer. Told her b/c has been around longer than Tylenol.
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I don't think that the Tylenol PM gave anyone cancer, but the ingredient that makes you sleeepy can interfere with Tamoxifen. It's always a good idea to let our doctors know about everything that we take 'cause when you take enough stuff, there are bound to be interactions.
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jmarie, in anwer to your question about an appropriate response to an idiotic question ... begins with the letter F but I can't give you any more letters or someone might complain0
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y
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Upon telling a friend of my bc dx, she said, "isn't that like the common cold of cancers?"
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I am a hairdresser in a small-medium size town. Most of our customers have been loyal for quite a few years. So I don't know if they just feel too "comfortable" with us girls, or maybe they are just stupid and ignorant. But I had one customer say "Oh, I heard you caught cancer". What an idiot! And then another one ask, "What are you, bald?" Now here I am with a bandana on and you can plainly see that I have no hair around the hairline and at my ears. So, I said back to her, "Why yes I am." Her husband was mortified and the I think that the girl who does her hair could have killed her.
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I have been doing rads and my sister drives me crazy with "what time is your appointment?", how many more do you have?....So obviously she is not listening ever or she would know, I tell her "it's the same time everyday" (so I have told her the time 22 times)... .......She is so busy trying to juggle her secret gambling addiction that has taken over her life that I don't feel she has time to be my caring sister that she used to be many many years ago......
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I walked into a pre-made family 30 yrs ago. Came with my new hubby and two step-kids. I have always been so close to my step-daughter and we've had a very open and honest relationship. She can tell me anything...as it should be.
So not long after being dx with Her2 bc...being told it's very aggressive and comes with a BAD prognosis. I hadn't even had time to digest all the information myself. Scared to death...lots of decisions...all I kept thinking was that I was going to die. (Wanted to get that thought out of my head.)
So my step-daughter had heard the news and calls me. We talked a few minutes about my recent dx and she blurts out real loud and serious, "Chelee, it just SUCKS THAT YOUR GOING TO DIE". (Gee, thanks hun.) I was sitting on my end of the phone with my jaw on the ground...couldn't believe she said that? Then she says, "Chelee, you can't die...I need you". Then she says for me NOT to die before she gets a chance to come down to see me. (She certainly learns to say whats on her mind.) O'well...
Chelee
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Chelee,
How old is this step-daughter? You said that you have always been close with her, yet she's at least over 30, right? She ‘heard the news' from somewhere, but you hadn't called her yet? Note: I DO understand about keeping the news to yourself until you understand more. That's exactly what I did. Once you decide to tell someone who (bless his or her heart) can't keep a confidence, you have to be ready for the first idiot to show up. Sadly, that idiot may be the person who can't keep the confidence asking or saying something rude or insensitive.
We can't control their misinformation by educating all of them, because many people don't want to know. They'll ask, "How are you, how many cycles have you had," but that's all they ever ask just to make conversation. Some people can't deal with the fact that not that long ago cancer was a "death" sentence because they chemo'd and radiated you until the disease got to you or the treatment did.
Television has made a small attempt to put out that cancer is a livable disease, but in truth, every body is different.
My observation is that I hope you are close enough with the clueless step-daughter that when you speak to her she will listen to you. If you could get across to her how sad her words were and that they would not be advisable to repeat to any of her friends who might develop cancer, it would be doing her friends and her a favor.
I hope that you know here well enough to know if your words will make a difference and she will not just think you are being over-sensitive, attacking her, PMS ing, or reacting to the treatment. Silly nonsense like that. If that is the case, don't pull out the stops to teach her, it'll just break your heart. I acknowledge that a lot of people are more mature than others are. I hope something positive can come out of this episode, because what she said to you was selfish and cruel.
What if she says something like to a parent who has a child with cancer?
sessna1
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What a cathartic thread...
Worst things people have said to me, upon hearing about my breast cancer dx:
"Don't listen to your doctors. Use this as an opportunity to upgrade your thought patterns! Deepak Chopra says that SOOO much is in the mind!" (That was at least via email and I never responded)
"All disease is caused by inflammation, including cancer. Sugar is a huge cause of inflammation. And with that high-sugar diet you had in childhood...." <--- that was my dentist speaking. Yeah, he REALLY said that he thinks sugar caused my cancer.
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"You're so strong."
I'm sorry but I just don't want to be strong anymore.
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I had a guy at work tell me that BC "aint nothing but a head cold anymore" and not to think that I could be out of work alot. He is actually a nice, funny guy and I think he was trying to make me feel better because this was in the diagnosis testing portion my treatment but I know that from other comments that this is the general consensus. Guess they could take a look at the angels thread or the stage 4 forum to realize that it is not a "head cold". I have seen people at work complain more about actual headcolds then I did during chemo, bilateral mx, ooph, implants, and now fab Femara. Need to tell my doc that he is overtreating a head cold.
I was also told not to eat sugar because it causes cancer.
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I told my sister about my DX 2 mnths ago and she started crying and said "I don't want you to die like dad!!" I said "umm.....I'm going to fight this" then she goes on to say "You should be so mad at your doctors for misdiagnosing you, this could be spreading through your whole body!!!!"
umm.....my response "Umm......Mary I gotta go, Survivor is on." which she replies..."oh, I wanna watch that to." Oh my, life goes on....
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About that "you are so strong" garbage - a good friend of mine who is stage 4 was told by a friend, "When someone says "you are so strng" what they really mean is "your life sucks and I'm glad I'm not you.".
While I was going through chemo I paid a condolence call on a woman whose severely disabled son had passed away (I had never met her but her son was a friend of my son's). Apparently in caring for her son she'd used conventional medicine complemented by alternative treatments. So for her to suggest to me using an alternative treatment wasn't surprising. But then came the kicker - she told me that chemo doesn't work, it's just all the pharma companies and docs making millions of dollars and she was so sorry to hear that it had spread to my lymph nodes because there was really nothing conventional medicine could offer me. Now, is anyone surprised that I didn't pursue this aquaintance?
Leah
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One of the worst things said to me during chemo was, "Did you lose hair down there?"
Another is..." If I have to go through something like this, I hope I have the strength like you." They don't see me up at 2AM crying my eyes out, mentally not being able to do every day things, or forcing myself to look okay.
The last one is sitting in the radiation waiting area waiting my turn when the nurse comes out and tells Mr X to come, he looks at me and says, "I thought it was that gentlemen's turn." My hair is starting to grow back from chemo so it is short, but I had make up on and a coat with some fake fur on it. I was depressed for the rest of the day.
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About the "strong" thing...
I hate it. I really don't know why; but it bothered me deeply when, almost 2 years after my dx and 18 months after I finished chemo, a family member we were visiting suddenly said to me, "Oh, you were SO STRONG! I don't know how you did it. You were just SO STRONG! I couldn't have been that strong." She then broke down in tears, and was comforted by another family member who had been nodding in agreement the whole time. After wiping her tears, family member #1 started in again on the "SO STRONG" stuff.
B.S.
I should note that family member #1 called me exactly 3 times during the 6 months in which I was diagnosed, cut upon, and chemo'ed. Three times. No emails. One get-well-soon card.
So, why all the "You were SO STRONG!" cr*p? I think Leah's comment hit the mark: "When someone says "you are so strong" what they really mean is "your life sucks and I'm glad I'm not you.". That was my impression through the whole thing. I heard several times from other relatives that family member #1 would break down in tears every time my name came up in conversation. I do think she pitied me. She was so insufferably glad that she was not the one going through this. Her tears might have been from fear that some day, she might be where I've been.
"Strong???" My dh looked at me, gave me a hug, and shook his head. "Oh, there were days that she wasn't so strong," he replied. (He knew. He's been my rock through it all.)
"But, look what you went through!!!"
What was I supposed to do??? I got up every morning, and did what I needed to do.
To that, family member #1 said, "Well, I suppose the survival instinct might play a role....".
<sigh>
BTW, one of the comments that p*ssed me off the most was made by a waitress when dh and I were having lunch one day at a seafood restaurant. I was mid-chemo and was wearing a comfy baseball cap with appropriate face-paint and cool, dangly earrings. Okay, and jeans and a knit top (with foob).
The waitress handed us our menus and said, "I'll give you gentlemen a few minutes to look at the menus, and then I'll be back to take your orders."
She did not get a tip from us that day.
otter
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I was recently at a party with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. A few of the guys who I've been friends with for many years kept saying to me - but you're O.K. now right? I said who knows. I'm on medication for the next 5 years and I go every 3 months for blood work & every 6 months for a mammo & MRI. And they would say, but you're O.K. now right? I finally said to them that cancer doesn't work like that.
otter - The day I went for my surgery as we were walking into the hospital my husband said to me, "I just want to tell you how brave I think you are." I said, "Really?" You think I'm brave?" He said yes and I asked him, "What choice do I have?" He said, "You could be complaining more."
Sue
Sue
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I'd say a simple "No." Then wait to see what they say next. If it's someone you like, say "Unfortunately, no". This is something I read in Dear Abby eons ago -- a short answer to a stupid question is sometimes the best way to handle it. If they follow up with nosey questions say "Why do you ask/what to know?".
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On my way into work this morning, I had one of those conversations. When I responded that I have good days and bad days, my companion couldn't understand why I still had bad days if I was done with active treatment. You're so right that some people don't think AIs are treatment or that they have any side effects. I told my DD the other day that I wish I could trade places with her father for just 2 days so he could experience what I feel. I really think he thinks I am a malingerer and that I'm lazy
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people really don't know how to say anything positive or say nothing at all and have no idea how insensitive they sound. I don't usually tell people about it cause of the looks and the comments. This time so far I have been fortunate there hasn't been any, my twins father said I was lying the first time about having bc, said I was just trying to get his attention....we aren't together...
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okay. I confess, I write 'smut' books and several people have told me that if I stopped writing erotic fiction, I'd not be sick all the time.
I don't even know what to say to that. I don't believe God punished me with Breast Cancer, C diff and the many other ailments I have, just because I write this type of fiction. Just my opinion, but I sure wish people would stop telling me that. Mainly my boss at my day job.
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joviangeldeb - Maybe I got it because I like to read smut books?! Could it be? I think not. After my surgery I was with some of my friends and we were talking about romantic novels and one of my friends who reads mystery books asked how I could stand reading them. I said it's great no one has breast cancer and they always end happy. Have to say one of my best friends is a HUGE Bon Jovi fan. Wonder if you've been talking to her on the fan club boards.
Sue
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joviangeldeb-your preachy boss is probably all over your books. Either that or surfing porn on the computer. I always feel that the most righteous and judgey people are hiding something. Wave your "smut" book flag high. If God were punishing us all by giving us BC then we could just get together and figure out what "bad" thing we all did in common. There would be the cure.
Gosh at least people still recognize that you all had cancer. I realize now that I did not complain nearly enough, especially to people at work. Once I returned it was as if it had never happened. I have had two surgeries since coming back from medical leave and no one so much as lifts a box for me. I am a boss and am asked to make most decisions on a daily basis so I guess they just would not think of it. That being strong crap has back fired. I am working 65+ hours a week and aching like crazy from the Femara, Boniva, etc......etc.... If I could turn back time (because I have no intention of going through this again, but we all know that I have zero control over that) I would complain like a mother, often and loudly. No stiff upper lip for me. If I get a papercut at work someone else is hemorraging. It wasn't like we had a choice about being "strong" during treatment. Getting up and getting to the treatments that will hopefully kill the cancer and save your life isn't strength it is necessity.
I was laughing at the "hair down there" question because my good friend is an oncology nurse and she used to work in a hospital. She went into a room and a woman started yelling at her that she did not tell her that she would lose the hair on her "squirrel". My friend asked her what a squirrel was and the woman opened her robe and showed her. She never asked what a squirrel was again.
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Debbi--all I can say is thank you thank you to those of you who write smut books. Love them. Personally think you're doing a huge service for those of us on Tamox
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I have/had natural curly hairly hair. Now it is growning in straight, not evena hint of a wave. Last night I was out and a friend said to me, " you must love having straight hair now. Now you must be be happy having staight hair." I did want want straight hair but what an awful way to get it. After she walked away I turned to my other friend and said, "stupid comment alert".Sometimes I want to scream.
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thanks, Sue. It really urks me when people tell me that, like its my fault I've had health problems.
Anyways, that's so cool about your friend.
I used to belong to jbjbackstage.com, but I had to let my membership drop, cause of the expense. I'm having to cut down where ever I can due to all the bills. You take care,
Deb
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Deb,
The next time someone tells you "why G-d sent you bc" ask when they were apoointed His secretary.
Leah
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The first time around, a patient of mine talked to her MASSAGE THERAPIST - the client was sad, and upset and concerned and needed an outlet - I had no problem with that. The so called "health professional" then told a bunch of other people, some of whom I didn't want to know yet. It had an impact on my business, as some of those were referal sources to me. They stopped referring to me, because they were concern that "I was sick." She then had the nerve to call me up and tell me she was praying for me. I had never met her, and had never had any kind of relationship with her. As someone in medicine myself, it reinforced the idea of privacy like no other. I lost income because of her big fat mouth.
My next one was recent, after I had a bout of chemo, my hair was beginning to grow back. I got into the elevator with a woman who works in another office. ( I don't think I had seen her more than once or twice in the building in the 3 years I had worked there.) She enveloped me in a huge hug, and RUFFLED my hair. Then she told me how proud everyone in their office was of me. (?) I couldn't believe it. I just stood there aghast. I live in a very conservative community, and people pride themselves on their social appropriateness. But I guess that only applies to people who don't look different from them.
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Leah, that's a good one. I'll remember that.
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