Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Frankly, I'm tired of people telling me "you look good" .... why is everything focused on how we look....why can't they say, "glad to see you" instead. Today I was at a bridal shower for my future DIL and a woman I had never met before told me that I looked good (after she said she knew I had been ill). I replied ... "no I don't. I don't look like myself at all" ... to which she said, "well you look much better than when I saw you at the engagement party last summer" .....wtf?
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LionessDoe has a thread running to support people whose "nearest and dearest" (supposedly) have turned tail and run away: (Ratbags!).
"When BC leads to divoorce". It's currently under Comments Suggestions and Feature Requests, right down at the bottom of the forum index. I will just go bump it.
Hang on in there.
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Today at a family birthday party, a family member who has not seen me for a few months and is not a positive, supportive person said, "Well, you know it is all about having a positive attitude!"
I replied, "Sometimes it is hard when you do not feel well. But I am doing okay."
She said, "Well, it is 99.99% attitude."
I wanted to say to her, well why don't you get rid of your hand help oxygen machine and just use a positive attitude to breathe without your oxygen tank. It must be because of your bad attitude that you need oxygen to breathe well.
I think she still believes that her stage iv (diagnosed with terminal lung cancer) husband died because he wasn't positive enough!!!
Yup, I love and have a good attitude (a great prognosis too) but I do not like to be blamed for my cancer because I do not have a 100% positive attitude.
Also, I look great too!!!! Yup, with my sassy wig, prothesis, and carefully made up face (lots of concealer!!) everyone says I look great. When I came home this afternoon, I wondered if I should have gone to the party flat chested and fuzz headed so they can see that yes, I have been through a lot. But I didn't want to call attention to myself. Most people seem to want to see perky patients and be reassured by us that they will not get the dreaded cancer. Thanks for listening!
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Well, it wasn't the worst thing they said, but they gave me a book right after my 1st bc dx about how we bring about our own disease, because of past life styles, worries, poor relationships. Believe me this was not the kind of half baked idea I appreciated when dealing with real decisions of life or death; I immediately tossed it in the circular file.
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hymil- How sad that we need a thread like that for anyone. What is wrong with these men?
Leah58-I love what you wrote about them wanting to be reassured they can't "catch" bc from us. I never thought about it but it's exactly how they act.
dianaleo-I've gotten the same thing from an acquaintance of mine who thinks she's some kind of holistic healer. She actually sent me an e-mail about cancer being caused by poor diet and yeast infections. That went into the trash like your book!
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Hhaha I've had fun reading some of these and will save exploring other pages of the thread for when I'm feeling low.
One of my 'classics' (and there have been heaps) was from my sister-in-law who, by email, on hearing about my starting chemo, elected to reassure me :
Just remember, it is probably not much worse than some pregnancies
OOKAAAYY !
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Kate..I have been getting similar opinions! I mean really? Look at how I cry over a small mound that was transported to my front from my back?!? It is not normal and will never look like a real breast. no matter what I do with it. I understand about the hard dry radiated skin that will never be soft and plumply again. The scars are a constant reminder that the implants/tissue expanders or whatever you have in there it is not your own breast because that has been lost long ago and now the only reminder of it is on a slide in some lab where you had your mastectomy completed.
People say I look good...really, do I with 3 drains coming out on one side of my body? How about the bandages and sutures that they used to keep the skin where it is suppose to be? What about the mental scars which happen because of being deformed?
What would I rather have them say to me? Nothing at all...because I hate the hair cut I am forced to have because of the loss of hair. Just ask me how I am doing and be sincere about it and leave how I look out of it. Doesn't matter how much make-up I put on because it will never be enough to truly cover the scars and pain that I have in my chest from the ache of losing something which signified my being a woman.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies! One thing that cancer has made me realize and now I do..I don't really care what others think....Try to stay away from those who are out to harm me and I realize that if they are trying to give me a guilt trip, it is because they are trying to push what they themselves are trying to get out of onto me..in the end could care less how I am doing. (my own brother tried guilt tripping me to go to help take care of my parents at the end of Feb because of health issues that they have...accept I am 1000 miles from them (my brother is only 400)..and I have 3 kids, two of which are 5 and 1 1/2 years old..and the fact that I was only 3 to 4 months out of rads) I am in reconstruction now and my brother still acts like his sh*t don't stink) My husband was adamant that I don't go because he was afraid of my getting something..My Mom had MRSA 2 years ago and has many cellulite infections since then...this and the fact that I would be so far away and he was afraid that I would end up in the hospital myself if I broke a rib or did something I shouldn't have been doing. My Dad didn't want me out there because of the above problems also and didn't want me hurt.
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I have been very fortune- not many people have said inapproiate things to me- and if they do I just consider the source. When I had my mastectomy 2 years ago and I had to pick up my granddaughters from school- I was introduced to her substitute teacher as her grandma who only has 1 breast- at that time she was only 6 years old- and she told the teacher she would rather have a grandma with 1 breast than no grandma at all.Some times when I meet someone I haven't seen in awhile- they don't know what to say- which is okay. I just say to them I am doing fine. I have lupus and Crohn's- for over 30 years-so I am use to people saying the wrong things.
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Well, I have one. I'm actually ashamed of it, but I think it will be therapeutic to write it down. I have to let it go because I'm starting to dwell on it. My mother told me to get her something special for Mothers Day to commemorate everything we've been through with the BC this year. That statement itself was a little hurtful. We live 15 minutes from each other, my bmx was in Jan, exchange in April, and she has been here one time during all that, for about 5 minutes. She didn't bring food, didn't offer to do laundry, vacuum, or anything. Friends and family were kind enough to bring dinner for 3 weeks after the bmx, she didn't do a thing to help. So, I got her a pink angel wind chime (she loves wind chimes) thought that was an appropriate BC remembrance. She opened it and said heXX, that's not special. I wanted a gazing ball., I'm not kidding, that's what she said. Her birthday was a few days ago, and regardless of how she acts I try to do the right thing, I know I'm odd, but she's my mother and it is what it is. But, in trying to pick out a card for her birthday, I just couldn't. They were all about warm and loving mothers and I just couldn't make myself get one. Instead, I bought her a bottle of cheap perfume with no card. I so wish that I had the kind of mother who would be there for me and after almost 50 years you would think I would be able to accept the fact that I don't have. My only recourse is to make sure my kids have the kind of mother I've always wanted.
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Hi Susie 123 I hope you found it therapeutic to write this down. I think it helps to "park" things sometimes, somewhere you can come back to if you feel like it, rather than having them buzzing round in your head all the time. You certainly have nothing to feel ashamed about.This horrible BC changes us and makes us see what's important and what you can let go. As much as it hurts sometimes you have to give up on Mums, friends and so on and focus on what's important like your children. They have a wonderful Mum who they love very much and that's what matters.
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Everyone needs to vent during this period in your life! This sucks! It sucks for you. It sucks for your husband/wife/kids. It sucks for your career sometimes! I think the biggest disservice to women going through BC is Lifetime Movie Network. They show the courageous BC patient, in her snazzy scarves artistically draped around her bald head, being so strong and uncomplaining as she battles her disease on her journey with BC.
Journey? What journey? I didn't get any f*****g journey! I'm been right here just trying to get through the day sometimes. So vent away, I say!!!
Colette37- I like what you said about staying away from those that can harm you. So true! It used to be so hard for me to let go of relationships with friends that had turned toxic but not any more. It's amazing how BC shows who your real friends are so there's one good thing about it. Now you don't have to waste any more of your life on these people.
fransavin01- I love what your granddaughter said! That is awesome! If we all just had a few more "pearls" like that in our day things would be so much better.
susie123- I liked that you could vent about your mom but then take something good from it, too. That it showed you what kind of mom you don't want to be. I've had some of the same issues with my mom and the realization (after almost 50 years as well) that she's never going to be Beaver Cleaver's mom. Not even close. So I empathize with what you are going through if that helps at all.
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Susie, it is so hard when your parents aren't all you want or need. You are doing really well stopping the rot, and being a great mum to your own kids. I think a wind-chime is very appropriate response to the hot-air help she has been for you, pretty noises and no action.....now when she asked for a crystal ball i thought right, to tell her the future.??.. I can't quite get that she wants you to get her something special for all "We" have been through - so what exactly has she been through in all this? - dumbfounded on your behalf!
I heard once that a family with no black sheep has drawn its boundaries too small and excluded someone - but this year thorugh BC i'm redefining family as a circle of people who help and support ech other - mostly not genetically related. I chose not to waste time with people who won't waste time for me when i need it.
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My mom died in 1988- she died of an aortic aneurysm- very sudden. I miss her and if she was still around- my life and my daughters lives would be very different. My mom was a very controlling person and made you feel guilty if you did something to displease her. I am definitely do not take after her- My daughters were raised to be independent-sometimes too much-but that is okay. I allowed them to be themselves. My mom's mom was also very strong but died at the age of 52 years old-As long you treat your mom with respect- that is fine- you don't have to be friends with her but just remember she is your mom and she raised you. With my mom- I listened but I still did what I want. I made myself a promise when I became a mom-I would make sure my children knew they were loved and no matter what they did in life- I would be there for them.
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I've been a lurker for a few months but just had to open an "official" account to get in on this one. I was diagnosed with bone mets back in Oct '07. While our mother lay on a respirator a few days before dying of a stroke, my younger sister (I was 47, she was 43) greeted me. It was the first time we had seen each other in many, many years and hadn't spoken in quite a few either. She came in the room and right in front of our mother, said "Hi." She told me she heard about my new cancer development. Then she said quite matter of factly, "You're going to end up in a wheelchair, aren't you?" I told her I hoped not, but if I did, I'd still be alive.
The other one that gets me is when people hear that I am still on chemo and they say things like, "Wow. You don't look sick" or "I thought chemo made a person all sickly." I'm not sure why that bothers me but it does.
And just like others, I am getting sick of the "positive attititude" stuff and the calling me a strong, courageous woman. I am not strong or courageous. I am surviving. It doesn't take strength or courage to live with cancer. I just do.
sandra in IN who will post more to her profile very soon
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Welcome Sandra in IN. It still amazes me how tactless, stupid or downright hurtful people can be and not get punched in the face... Good luck with the continuing chemo.
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Hi, my name is Shasta.I had my primary doctor to say to me when he told me my diagnosis of breast cancer....."I'm glad it is you and not me!" That hurt.He could have said I'm glad I don't have it......but to say "I'm glad it's you?????? Insensitive,huh! I don't think he even noticed what he said actually. He has been my dr for over 20 years and has been a very caring and excellent dr for all other times.Why does it bother me so? Then my oldest daughter said "she's going to die!" after hearing of the positive nodes.I am a very upbeat person.Still hurts...I showed her tho! going on 4 years survival,looking at many more!! She has a better outlook now too ! Sometimes we just have to overlook people.I pray I don't hurt anyone by my words or actions.
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I am a registered nurse in an ER. I remember when I returned to work after just finishing chemo with my life just devastated-a co-worker whom I worked with stopped and asked me "What chances did they give you?" Unbelievable how totally thoughtless some of the comments I received were.This person was also a physician.
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Wonderful teamwork there, Ruthy! "No chance to retire yet, that's for sure, now get back to work!!" Oh i am so looking forward to getting back to work soon, I have all this to come. And with chumps like this around, maybe Not looking forward.....0
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I also have Lupus- and people do say strange things- Lupus is not a disease that you can tell a person has unless they have the sun rash or skin lesions. People will tell me I don't look sick or they will question me on my fatigue-People accuse me of being lazy and stuff- my friends and family know if I am tired or just not feeling up to par- II am not lying. work over 40 hours a week- spend time with family and friends- entertain- After having it for 30 years- I just learned to laugh at those stupid remarks and consider the source.
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fransavin01- If it helps I can totally empathize. I have fibromyalgia the other "invisible" disease which also causes fatigue. You just have to wonder about some people. Don't they read about these things? I'm sure everyone thinks I'm lazy, too.
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I had someone say, "You're lucky! Social Security will automatically approve you with your diagnosis!!"
Okay so I am 35. I have IBC - Stage 3B...How in the "F" am I lucky???? I don't WANT to go on SS at 35! I know it is "good" that it is there but they were (I think almost!) jealous because they have back problems and are being denied at 58.
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Oh and I have another invisible disease - endometriosis. The comments from that? Ugh. After 11 major surgeries for pain & disease management, I figure if they are stupid enough to say...I'm stubborn enough to give them the finger.
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Had to pipe in on this one. I was out for drinks the other night with my best friend visiting from out of town and a friend of ours who I have always considered to be pretty smart. We were talking about my diagnosis and I shared some of the stats about Stage IV cancer and he said "oh so you have about two years". I almost started choking on my wine and motioned desperately for my BFF to come rescue me. Couldn't believe he said it and couldn't come back with a smart remark other than polishing off the rest of my wine very quickly.
I need to learn to be a little swifter with comebacks to comments like this.
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If it's red wine you could splutter it, or even throw it, over him, it's so hard to wash out. For best effect throw the glass as well. I'm coming more to the conclusion that for some extremes of stoopid, the best comeback is physical not verbal.
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lorrhaw that person is far from smart he is stupid in the worst way and I had a friend live so many years without chemo too 15 years with that stage so no one not even a doctor can tell you that its up to the almighty and he is dumb that friend of yours in the worst way ..I agree with physical if nothing else it would make you feel better and when your 2 years are here send him a card telling him sorry I am still here not like you said ...it makes me so mad how mean he is ..
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raerae7074 please those dummies if most of them would stop putting the spoon into the mouth maybe they wouldnt have to try for disabilty .......
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I can't believe a person would say"oh so you have about 2 years". I had a friend long time ago when I was 1st diagnose with Lupus- she kept telling about the bad stuff about lupus- and how it is incurable-and how sick I would be-That was 30 years ago- I don't need friends who give out negative remarks- I need positive remarks. No one can't predict how the disease will progress- and when the person will die from it. One of my favorite remarks from my old lupus doctor said- you can easily die from a car accident than dying from having lupus. You should enjoy life each day as it was your last day.If you worry about what is going to happen in the future- you won't enjoy the present. There are certain days- I do get nervous- when I see the oncologist, my cardiologist and my gastro doctor.- I have heart problems which are due to the lupus and to family history and having Crohns for 28 years- I am high risk for having stomach, colon, rectal, or anal cancer but it doesn't stop me from enjoying life.
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Your lupus Dr. hit it right on!
I will remember this on days that I feel down. 0 -
raerae,
Yup, me too. I have been discredited and treated so horribly throughout my endometriosis. I have had to fight to be heard, fight to prove I had multiple nerve entrapments..you name it. Lost friendships etc...I wish so much that I could set up a surrogate friend/family service for people who need help in the home, and are not getting the support they need.
On a completely diferent tangent, I am amazed at how many of us have had chronic illnesses, in particular auto-immune diseases.
I may want to need a thread...
traci
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This is the first topic that attracted me to this site, because I lost a good friend due to her lack of understanding of what not to say. But as the months passed I have come to realize that the one good thing about having cancer is that you really get to know who your friends are and who is not a friend. Often the people you thought were your close friends aren't and people you never thought would be a support are really there for you. I would just as soon not have cancer, but being that I have had it I am glad that I learned to appreciate the good people in my life and have regretfully let go of those who are toxic to my well being.
Kat
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