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I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
Comments
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my problem is i don't care if i get my mojo back. i think i better work on the "don't care" part first. lol.
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my first post here--i've been trying to catch up by reading from the very beginning but it's soooo long! so i'm just gonna jump on (puns, puns...)
generally, my mojo has outstripped my bf's for the year we've been together. then came chemo...i'm just starting rads. and forget desire, i just wanted to physically be able to do it. the pain has been awful...i started using replens and though no immediate relief, over a romantic paris weekend, we had a few painless sessions. i was So happy! then he went home for xmas and i went to america. apart for 2 weeks....
and just as i feared, when we got back home together, it was pain all over again. he also had some sexual revolution while missing me, which is great fun except i'm now worried about being able to keep up.
he took me for the first time to buy some kinky things (want to hear the story of us getting our bag thuroughly searched at security b/c of the handcuffs we had in it?!) it's been mixed. great because his 'revolution' includes 30 minutes of oral attention, which seems to be working (there is suddenly a little natural lubrication, either form that and/or from starting Tamoxifen, which my doc said might help), though lube is still needed. major problems remain with inercourse-- we had to stop every time we got to that part all weekend. i just couldn't do it. all the tingly and warming lube's hurt like hell, perhaps cause i'm so easily chaffed down there? the warming one was great until we started intercourse, then i was on fire. i was so upset.
the other day we went back to trying some normal, new brand of lube and i'm not sure if that's it but siddenly, the most pain-free intercourse we've had in 6 months!!! it's almost normal. i'm so psyched! could a new lube really make that much difference?!
by the way, janis, i notice a difference in my feelings for my bf, relating to our sex life. i think how strongly we are able to feel that stuff does have a bonding effect. i have never wavered in loving and being commited to him, but at times have been concerned with my seeming emotional detatchment for someone i am so in love with! i haven't cared when we didn't have sex for along time, and was grateful that he wasn't pushy...but now that we've started up, and i've got some responsiveness back, i'm a little more starry-eyed over him. i think it's normal...(?)
sorry it's long but now ya'll know my story. keep sharing girls!0 -
pteSinge,
what's the name of the new lube? and you do you think they sell it here in america??!!!
i sure could use some help
thanks,
barbara0 -
PteSinge,
Glad the new lube worked. I found the warming stuff to be irritating, too. I use Wet Light or Wet. They have a web site you can order from but it's fairly easily found here in The States. Last night my 'friend' used some form of KY but it was too lotion-like for me. I don't usually 'need' a lubricant but he was kind of thick and with the condom it was too tight (sorry if TMI). I also experienced for the first time a ribbed condom and for me it was awful! Perhaps it was due to his size but it irritated the hell out of me. Maybe they feel better with smaller penises?
As I've stated before, I'm off the Tamoxifen so I have my desire and response but I'm going to go back on it (a half dose) and I'll see what happens in a month or so. I hate to knowingly take my 'fun' away but my onc and I discussed this and if my QOL is as bad on the half dose as it was on the full dose then I'll go off of it and try something else.
Janis L0 -
janis,
thanks for the info on the lube... i went on their website and they are going to send me some samples. i had a hysterectomy at the same time as my mastectomy, so at 44, i am in menopause. i just want to get back to the great sex my bf and i had pre-b/c, pre-hyster.
thanks,
barbara0 -
Obviously everyone knows this, but I think that sometimes we dismiss the fact that most women just do not have orgasms without clitoral stimulation. So all of the women's magazines tell us which positions for intercourse will give us the best chance of hitting the right spot, but all of them are, in one way or another, slightly hit-or-miss. And lets face it, the consistent rubbing and stimulation that we need can't often happen during the actual act. SO what am I saying here? Just that if intercourse is painful and difficult for a time, maybe getting creative with all of the other fun sex things to do will help. Sure we want to please our men and intercourse seems to be the preferred method (though based on my experience, oral sex sure runs a close second!). And sure we want to do it 'all the way' because that's what helps us feel close. BUT I'm suggesting that expanding one's repertoire and branching off to start practicing other ways to orgasm could take the pressure off (and after the pressure of bc, who needs more?) and keep the plumbing in working order for more rigorous activity to come (no pun intended)! So what about it, chicas....there's more than one way to give & get pleasure, right? Personally, I have no problem doing the deed for long periods of time and often and totally love it, but oral and even manual stimulation is indispensable! But that's just me.....or is it?
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You're right Marin! I've never had a full-fledged orgasm from intercourse (some small contractions that feel good but that's all) and need manual/oral stimulation to have the big one. And either I'm in the minority (which I doubt) or many women out there are faking it because I STILL find men who are surprised that I can't have an orgasm from 'just intercourse'. The older guys (my age and older) seem to accept this more readily but they, too, are sometimes surprised that them going on and on and on like the energizer bunny just won't get me there!
I prefer to get mine and then they get theirs and if I want more intercourse I ask them to hold off but if I don't I tell them it's okay not to wait!
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Hi ladies--
i have to be quick but the lube is from a local store called HEMA. It's randon that it would be the magic lube--it's like using Target's in-store brand!! But anyhow, it seems to be awesome. I DO like the feel of it more than anything else so far. It's not too thick or sticky.
If anyone wants to try it PM me and I will send you a tube to try out...
Sarah0 -
Too true, Janis and Marin.
Personally, I get immense satisfaction with intercourse, to the point where I can scream with pleasure (sorry, TMI).....but it is totally different from a clitoral orgasm. Nowhere near as....orgasmic.
The first I would call a 'come'......the latter a true orgasm.
I still find that post bc/ post meno / thanks to AI's, I have to wait longer to orgasm......sometimes it feels like I will never get there.Anyone else have this problem?
Sam0 -
i feel like i iwll never get 'there' again (though i'm of course first concentrating on just being able to!). i've gotten veeeeery close with my bf's new, prolongued attention, but it's like i become very aware that i'm close and then it just slips away with the attention on it. Plus, after while, i got sore down there, so all the good things he's doing are countered by the fact that i get easily 'over stimulated' on any particular spot.
anyway, sam. you're not alone!0 -
(((Sarah)))
I was the same way while on Tamoxifen. It was like "WTF???" as I was always almost there but not quite and then it was gone. Talk about frustration for both! That's one of the reasons I went off Tamoxifen but not the only reason. My plan is to go on a half dose (with my onc's okay) and see if I still suffer with SE's. I'll post about it I'm sure.
Until then I'm trying to get in as much fun as possible! And while I don't live for sex (ha, ha) I did find over all that while on Tamoxifen my joie de vivre was gone. Was it all about sexiness, sex appeal, sexual response or was it more than that? I swear that we do need some estrogen to make our bodies work properly, but as always that's just MY opinion.....
Janis L0 -
hi all
Okay, I have been lurking like mad and finally worked up the courage to post
I haven't read all the messages because there are soooo many of them so I apologise if any of this has already been covered!
I have been on zoladex injections for 7 months or so now and I swear that with each injection the desire for sex gets lower (if it is possible).
Before BC my partner and I had a VERY active sex life and I had quite a high libido but now....nothing. Zip. Nadda.
I saw my onc today and after reading on here about some of the ladies using testosterone cream/gel asked about it and he said a definate NO WAY. The only 'hormonal' thing he will let me use is the estrogen cream inserted vaginally (can't remember the name sorry) a couple of times a week.
My main problem besides the no desire is the excrutiating PAIN during sex. I have read a lot of women here have the same thing. I cannot get over how much it hurts. But how does it ever get any better?
I know alot of women say "use it or lose it"- the more you do it the easier it becomes but I literally have to stop during sex. And to make it worse my partner is away for 6 MONTHS!!!! I am lucky enough to be able to fly to Egypt (where he is working) and meet him for a bit of a romantic getaway but to be honest I am terrified!! The thought of being away from each other for the past 3 months then attempting sex when it hurts at the best of times let alone when we haven't been together for over 3 months so far is awful.
How do I lessen the pain?
This may be waaaaay too much info but we have even attempted using anal lube - the kind with lidocaine in it- to lessen the pain and no joy there either. I have done all the replense, 'pleasure gels', lubes, vaginal moisturisers and nothing helps.
Please someone give me some advice! I really don't want my holiday and our reunion to be ruined with arguing about sexual frustrations.
Love
Leanne
xo0 -
Leanne...Honey, I authored this thread for every one of us that suffers from this silent side effect that the medical community ignores...
OK: Use It or Lose It: He's away? You need a toy...best one out there (and I never had one before I started this thread) is the Hitachi Magic Wand w/Attachments. You can stimulate yourself externally and "get there" while bringing blood flow to the area on a regular basis then move on to the attachments when you feel lubrication or use a lube on the attachments.
Try "Vigel"...An OTC topical to bring the blood to the clitoral/labial area...works for some (me)...but not others...
Lots of ladies here like the Pocket Rocket for external stimulation, and I tried that, too, but once I got the Hitachie Magic Wand, I tossed the Pocked Rocket, and any guy that doesn't do it for me.
It's very frustrating and I know the pain. Do keigel exercises and yes, you have to keep a regular blood flow to the area. Experts say this over and over...use it or lose it...you don't need a man...just a good vibrator...it's a sound investment, whereas a man isn't always...
Keep reading through the thread and click on some of the links. You may get to feeling a little frisky and, what the hell? Go for it! What have you got to lose?
Oh, and you may want to tell your guy that you need a good 20-30 minutes of oral stimulation before you can have intercourse. I've heard women say this works for them.
Good luck. I'm glad you opened up and shared. That's what this thread is all about. Good luck...Mena...xo0 -
Quote:
I was the same way while on Tamoxifen. It was like "WTF???" as I was always almost there but not quite and then it was gone. Talk about frustration for both! That's one of the reasons I went off Tamoxifen but not the only reason. My plan is to go on a half dose (with my onc's okay) and see if I still suffer with SE's.... I'm trying to get in as much fun as possible! And while I don't live for sex (ha, ha) I did find over all that while on Tamoxifen my joie de vivre was gone. Was it all about sexiness, sex appeal, sexual response or was it more than that? I swear that we do need some estrogen to make our bodies work properly, but as always that's just MY opinion.....
Janis L
Dear Janis L:
I have been on Tamoxifen for a little over two years now, and have been suffering serious issues with libido/sexual experience (is that what you mean by SE?). I was diagnosed in 2004 with DCIS and a small amount of invasive cancer. I was lucky that they caught it early. Had a mast and a recon and went on tamoxifen after surgery (I was lucky to have escaped chemo and rads).
By far the worst side effect about the whole BC experience has been the sexual issues. It took me awhile to figure out that no, the problem wasn't just emotional trauma at having my breast removed and then rebuilt that was diminishing my sexual experience. After six months on tamoxifen I finally realized that everything FELT different. It was like someone removed half of my nerve endings. I definitely don't respond like I used to. I can still have climaxes, but they are extremely lame compared to my former experience. If pre BC my normal intensity was a 10, then post BC on tamoxifen my normal is hovering around about a 2, lately dipping as low as 1.5. I MISS MY MOJO!!! I am married and pre BC DH and I had a decent sex life, although every couple has issues at times. DH is incredibly patient and willing to give me lots of oral stimulation, vibrators or whatever it takes. But when I finally get to a climax, my current experience pales in comparison to what it used to be.
I am 47 and close to natural menopause, so its possible that this is something like how my body would respond to menopause anyway. But if that's the case, will be incredibly bummed. This is a HUGE quality of life issue for me. I have discussed this with a few speciallists, but aside from giving me Testosterone or an estrogen ring (haven't pursued this yet -- hormones make me nervous) there is little they can offer.
And Janis, I have also noticed that my overall energy level is down; my joie de vivre is almost completely depleted. My husband says I'm like "eeyore" these days, always gloomy. Whatever reservoir my "get-up-and-go" came from is waaaaaay down, and that seemed to be the source of my libido and well-being as well. I have about three more years on Tamoxifen, which I have decided to continue to take given my particular profile (I am BRCA2 positive and am high risk for more cancer, and tamoxifen mitigates some of that risk). But I HATE the side effects.
On a side note, I was interested in the posts about climaxes coming from intercourse vs. clitoral stimulation. I remember in my youth (late teens I think) that having an orgasm from intercourse alone was a learned response. I remember the first time it happened; I climaxed after rubbing my pelvis against my partner's body while he was going in and out. I remember thinking, "Oh, THAT'S how you do it...!" Once I'd learned this technique, I generally had little trouble climaxing from intercourse alone. I gather this is not true for all women. Later in my thirties after I'd had two kids, I could almost never climax this way, requiring more direct clitoral manipulation from my husband's fingers. Not as satisfying as the previous non-manual method, but fine. Now that I'm in my late 40s and on tamoxifen, I can hardly climax without mechanical intervention and vibrator support. The days of my orgasmic youth are long gone, and tamoxifen has definitely made it worse... Sigh...
Sorry for the long post.
Orchid0 -
This may be repetitive of previous posts but it would take too long to go back and check.
Ladies, experiment with your G-spot. I used to think that this was a myth until I took a workshop and was shown how to find it. It's REAL! I've had a hard time with libido, probably the combination of tamoxifan and Lupron. Once we started experimenting with lube and G-spot massage, I can have lovely orgasms almost every time. They're different than clitoral orgasms, but really powerful and satisfying. Also, I've found that a little marijuana jump starts me when I'm just not interested. I was really afraid about this issue when I decided to do the Lupron, and still have problems sometimes, but it's getting better!
Alicia0 -
Alicia...A WORKSHOP on finding your G-spot???!!! Chica - I am so moving to SF! Please provide details....did everyone get her own lounge chair (like chemo )? Were partners allowed to participate or was everyone solo? I saw something like that on TV with a sex toy company instructing on oral sex for females. Everyone was given some soft, pliable piece of fruit and they all had to lick it open, etc. Then they had demos from volunteers! I was glued to the TV watching this thing....amazing!
But about the G-spot orgasm....I hope others here weigh in on this as to their experiences. Maybe I'm just not a fan because my 'regular' orgasms are pretty special. Or maybe some are more sensitive and responsive than others. Did your class address that, Alicia?0 -
I've done a large amount of research on this, and the vast majority - 70% on most studies - of all women never have orgasms from intercourse. If you don't have them that way, you're perfectly normal. One of the biggest myths in life is that intercourse is the ultimate sex act. This is the stuff of fiction and porn movies. I've been having sex for a long time and only have clitoral orgasms and I've had a very satisfying sex life. Until breast cancer, that is.
For all you girls who have just found this forum, you're a member of a pretty big club! I burst into tears when I started reading the posts on this thread. Sexual issues related to breast cancer treatment are the most unreported and untreated element of having the disease, according to my oncologist. I've been struggling for almost 4 years now.
I'll share with you what has helped me. Get a vibrator. You may have to try several to find what works. Get some good lubricant if you're going to have intercourse. I swear by Astroglide (yes, I have intercourse and enjoy it -but it's not how I reach orgasm). No smell, not sticky, washes out easily, and you can buy it at any drug store or even at Safeway. I also take Arginmax, the only natural suppliment that has undergone clinical trials and been proven to be effective in improving libido. You can get it at GNC stores or online. It's worked for me. I discontinued Tamoxifen after 1 1/2 years. I just couldn't tolerate it, even a half dose, and my quality of life was zip, in total - not just sex.
Finally, I've found I have to schedule sex for when I'm at my best. Mornings are better than evenings and I have to be rested and relaxed. My husband is wonderful, supportive, and very patient. He knows, and appreciates, how hard I work at keeping our sex life alive and well. We just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.
I'd give anything to have the arousal, easy and intense orgasms, and overall libido I used to have. But, until the medical community comes up with something to remedy this problem, I'm getting by for now.
The support I've found here has helped me beyond words.0 -
(((Orchid)))
I SO feel your pain! I swear I do NOT advocate women not taking Tamoxifen or going off of it but that's what worked for me. My onc and I discussed my going back on the half dose (10mg) and while I don't want to do that as I believe my sexuality will tank again I am going to give it a try. The no sex drive and diminished sexual response is what prompted me to finally go off of it. I know that great sex and wonderful orgasms don't make or break a life or relationship but for me it's important. I'm 46 and have been sexually active for 30 years. You'd think I'd have had my fill but it is such a big part of who I am that it's still very important to me. BC robbed me of a lot and I won't let it rob me of my sexuality. I have to say that I recently started taking Acetyl l-carnitine (it's the most expensive form of l-carnitine) and my energy level has gone up. I only hope it helps once I go back on the Tamoxifen. It's scary to take something that you know alters you in a negative way but then also scary not to take something that might (it hasn't been proven 100% in all cases) help in preventing BC or keeping it at bay.
Sorry, rambling here. My point is that we all have to figure out what works best for us. Vibrators, dildos, lubes, etc., are there to help us (I still occasionally use my erosclator, endorsed by Dr. Ruth!) and I encourage using them as well as porn. We are sexual creatures and if we want to stay that way then sometimes we just need a little help! HTH?
Janis L0 -
Hi again
I am really addicted to this thread now and actually trawled through adult websites last night looking for "supplies"!!
Bad news on the hitachi magic wand front- can't get them in Australia!! Can you believe it??? So any other suggestions/recommendations would be most appreciated!
Mena- I have something similar to the Vigel that I found here in Australia called Excite for women (made by ansell). I tried it for the first time last night to 'practice' and it was okay. But oh my GOD does it take FOREVER to climax now days or what??!!!! I can't believe it. (But mostly I can't believe I am writing this). Does it get easier as you do it more often??
Janis- I know exactly what you mean when you say sex is a big part of who you are. I have always had a very high sex drive plus I am only 30 and feel I have so many more years ahead of me to enjoy.
My problem really seems to be two fold. The pain is just unbearable which makes me go off sex. The zoladex menopause also makes me go off sex. The menopause is causing the pain which is causing me to go off sex. Where does it end?? My thoughts are that if I can SOMEHOW make sex less painful I may be able to enjoy it more which in turn may make me WANT sex more because I no longer have the pain to fear. Does this make sense?? However how on earth do we make it more comfortable???
My partner is VERY sexual- his sex drive is higher than anything I have known! So this is a really big problem for us. I worry that if we don't somehow resolve this or at least make it better it could contribute to a breakdown in our relationship. I wouldn't say this anywhere else on these boards (I don't think) because I know I would get a lot of "oh but if he loves you he won't leave" etc comments but I think you guys understand?? It certainly isn't a matter of love - I know he loves me despite our MASSIVE issues in the past in other areas- but our lack of sex life could definately be the thing that breaks the camels back so to speak. I hope this makes sense.
Janis (again!) - what you said about bc robbing you of so much and not letting it rob your sexuality is EXACTLY what I say all the time. It takes so damn much I don't want it to take this fun, pleasurable, intimate thing.
Anyway, there is my ramble.
Thanks for creating a space where we can come and feel heard
xoxo0 -
Leanem...I started this thread because, even at 44, my now-ex and I had a very active sex life and I was terrified that my mets dx would have a detrimental effect on our marriage. After all, men do want sex. And him, all the time.
I, too, took Zoladex as well as Femara. I had no sex drive but could tolerate it with lubes and my Wand.
Yes, you must use it or lose it! I will get you the Hitachi Magic Wand here in the US delivered to me, and I will send it to you in Australia. In the meantime, try the Pocket Rocket. Many women here are happy with that and it's all external.
And, I imagine you're very anxious at sex time. Try your best to quiet your mind and tell your partner you need extensive foreplay or there will be no play. Some suggest porn, but that's not my thing. I'd rather listen to Barry White and makeout. Whatever works for you.
Have you tried Replens? It's a vaginal lubricant that you insert that lasts for three days. See if that helps. It helps me. But use hours before you plan on making woopie. Sometimes there's a discharge, and there's nothing sexier than that.
And he can use a lube like KY Warming Liquid, Gel or Original or AstroGlide or any of the dozens mentioned here as well. It's trial and error. And maintenance. Otherwise vaginal atrophy and shrinkage occurs and it gets worse.
Omigod. I'm in trouble.
I need a lover (that won't drive me crazy)...someone who knows the meaning of...HEY! Hit the highway!
Readers: Name artist and tune and place of birth and win prize...Mena...xo0 -
Leanne, I just PM'd you as to needing some infor on Zoladex.. F#%$ I need to do something about this Its not that I dont wont to but the fact that i am so nervous about the failure of sex that just makes me roll-over in bed.. i had my last Zoladex inj Oct'06 (to suppress ovaries during chemo only as am triple neg) still no periods, still hot flushes ( as soon as we start getting intimate - turn off) no moisture F#%$k need it and wont it but cant make it happen without pain or faking it...
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Mena/Leanne, forgive me for being nieve but whats the wand and all these extras your speaking of?? please help as I need it!!(help I mean) and well that too!!!!
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Mena!
Hey - that's MY tag line on the sex web site!
(I need a lover who won't drive me crazy.....)
And I DO have a pocket rocket (have had it for years) and it's great! Not the quietest but it works! I also like my eroscilator (SP?) which was expensive but it's quiet (a plug-in though). Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Despite my 'dates' they don't happen all that frequently and even if I'm not in "the mood" I pleasure myself just because I can and should!
I am now working on getting a 'date' for next week and I mean a 'date' that involves at least ME being nekkid!
Jansi L0 -
Well girls, I have made my shopping list and my dh is so ready for me to get my mojo back. I didn't have chemo or am I taking any type of meds but did have a hysterectomy two years ago with no hormone replacement and intercourse has been a thing of the past because of pain. I will try all of your suggestions and Mena, maybe you should write a book!!!
thanks for the info, Sherry0 -
I don't know if this will help anyone, but one of the Hitachi Magic Wand http://www.babeland.com/page/TIB/PROD/vibrators-first-timers/DE280030 attachments (the G-Whiz) is so extremely easy to insert and when used with lube is 'like butta'! I'm thinking that for you chicas who need a little 'use' to keep the va-jay-jay ready and in working order, this could be a great assist. Plus you get the vibrator action and that's completely awesome without the G-Whiz, but with it - OMG! I'd recommend giving it a try, but use a ton of lube.
Has everyone who finds intercourse painful tried different positions? Doggie style and reverse cowgirl are easier for quickies when you're not really well-lubricated (at least for me), so I'm thinking with lotsa lube, the entry would be smoother. The added benefit to those positions is the clitoris can be directly stimulated manually....Its a win-win! 0 -
Leanne,
Just for you, available in Australia.
http://www.downundertoys.com.au/australia/hitachi-magic-wand-australia.html
Cheers Kelly0 -
What is the conversion of monies?
Those toys seem expensive?
Thanks
vera0 -
Holy mama, they want over $200 for the Hitachi Magic Wand in Australia. It's only about $75 here in the States with the attachements (like penises that you attach to the Wand -- only in fun colors and no bad habits)...
Yowyow...what type of help do you want? Buying vibrators that will bring the blood flow to the Va-jj? Lubes? Things to do to get you in the mood and stop the pain?
I personally never used toys until I started this thread and had to! Now I wouldn't go without my Hitachi Magic Wand. Does it every time. And since you don't want vaginal atrophy or shrinkage, you have to use it or lose it, whether alone or with your mate...you know...like a car...keep the juices running...
Pm me if you're the private type and don't want to be graphic here, although I'm sure you'll get over that in no time. See my first post...and look at me now hahahaha...big difference!
Noone answered my "Name the artist and tune"...Janis? C'mon...I even offered a prize...Mena...xo0 -
John Cougar Mellencamps "I Need a Lover"
born October 7, 1951 in Seymour, Indiana0 -
damn...reading through this thread is starting to give me my mojo back. hubba hubba.
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