I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
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Has anyone else noticed that their clitoris has shrunken. Since being on Arimidex since 2004, it has went from a plump lima bean to a shriveled little pea. And no pleasure from touching it anymore, just pain.
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Hi girls. This is where I can post about dh and our love life or lack thereof right? I am right now taken aback by DebC's news about mets and maybe it is really self-centered of me, but I have been meaning to talk about this.
The other night, we actually had a "moment". I still get that funny, feather tickling feeling in my stomach when he says something to me that is suggestive and our own little code. I get the flutters when he touches me in a certain way. But with all the surgeries I have had since last May and his e.d. problem, we really haven't done much. I really haven't wanted to some of the time either.
But I am feeling better, just not on my fill days or the day after when the pectorals are screaming! But this past Sunday, I was taken by surprise and we were actually intimate. He is still concerned about my pleasure first and with his e.d. and back problems, he never really makes an overture for himself.
I guess my question to others is, have either or both of you had this fear of hurting yourself? Or had dh not want to do anyting beacuse he doesn't want to hurt you? How did you communicate that you were ready to give it a try without hurting his ego too? Maybe I am worrying too much. I have had so many times with drains, 3 weeks with a PICC line and stitches healing, I almost forget how to make the suggestion! The I have to make sure I haven't taken a whole vicodin so I am awake in case he does take the hint!
I feel so awful posting about this after Deb posted about stage 4 mets! You all must think I am an ogre for doing it. Please God forgive me for being prideful but I am not feeling very feminine lately.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent! And thank you to Mena who encourages me to talk about this!
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Men don't hear or see hints---baseball bats over their heads works a lot better.
I know we'd rather have things spontaneous, but if he's not getting the hint--call him at the office or where ever and tell him you're going to want a lot of lovin' tonight and then tell him a couple of things you'd like to do to him (make sure you're not on speaker phone!)
Good sex, I'm told, begins in the brain and if he has all afternoon to think about it, he's already started. So have you! Then he can take his meds and you two can get together.
We have to change as our bodies and minds change. So, even tho a hint and "him taking " it worked in the past, we now have the present and things have changed!
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Dotti, this has nothing to do with mojo, but are you the reigning goddess of the comment tally? I just noticed that you have nearly 7000!!!!! Wow!
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Obviously, I talk too much! and have too many opinions! I actually DO have a life beyond bc.org. LOL, I've just been here a very long time and owe so much to oldbies who helped me, so I want to pass along what ever may be helpfu.
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Gosh, Spar, that sucks!
Perhaps some moisture, such as pure vitamin E oil (that's what I used when I dried out from chemo and chemopause) or even coconut oil which is said to be a good lubricant. Ya gotta get things moving again to get things moving again. I hope you find a way to get some pleasure again!And Dottie, I like 'planning' intimate encounters because that gives ME time to think about what will/could happen thus getting me pre-excited!
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Well, yes , Spar.......mine has gotten smaller too.But luckily I still have mucho sensation and am enjoying lots of mojo, thanks to a very hot and attentive lover.
But it IS definitely smaller (he even commented on it).
Do you think it might grow again when we stop the darned AI's? I am hoping that a bit of estrogen will work wonders but at the same time not feed the beast.I am nervous about stopping but hoping that the many s/e's will go away......
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I'm thinking of trying the eroscillator(even though it's pricey)...because vibrators are just numbing or painful to me. Would eroscillator owners give me a little update with your...*satisfaction*(or dissatisfaction) with it...?
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What on earth is an eroscillator? I'm curious!!!!!
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It's a vibrator like sex aid...it doesn't vibrate, it oscillates. I keep reading great reviews about it...it's quite expensive but they will give you 80% back if you are unhappy and return it in 30 days.
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eeeuw! What happens to those that are returned??? I hope they aren't recycled.......
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No, they are 'sanitarily disposed'--they can't re-use them legally and that's why you lose 20%of the price.
That makes me wonder though...I always buy my bathing suits online so I can try them on with my mirrors and my lighting and yet still return them...I usually order 4-6 suits and keep 1or 2...I wonder what they do with the returns?? They never take a dispposal fee!
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Oh!!!! That thing! When I was Valentine's Day shopping, the girl at the naughty store tried to get me to buy that, and I was totally intrigued. However, I felt like that would have been the equivalent of him buying me a really cool lawn mower.
I have heard rave reviews on it, too!!
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But what lawn mower would be so much fun for the both of you??
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There was a poster on this very board who praised the oscillator, but I don't know what page you'd find that discussion on. Her name may have been Lisa and she was posting during 2005 or 2006. I guess that's not a big help...sorry....
I'm looking for feedback on another issue that some of you may have encountered, especially those who have had "older" partners, though this isn't necessarily exclusive to them because I've had men who are both younger (early 40's) and older (mid-50's) with the issue. It's delayed orgasm/ejeculation, where they get and stay hard for long periods, are excited and engaged, etc., but just never ejaculate. When I first encountered this, I though it was because the guy took Viagra, then with the next guy, he took antidepressants so I attributed it to that, but then the next man didn't take anything and still had the issue. To be completely truthful, it doesn't bother me at all except for my feeling badly for the guys. That is, it did bother me at first because I thought I wasn't doing enough to get him off, but after the third guy, I concluded that it was unlikely that it was just me (right?
). I will say that it seems to me that the guys really DO worry about it...alot!Has anyone else encountered this issue with her husband or partner? If so, how do you handle it (pun definitely intended!)?
~Marin
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LOL to both bay, and Marin!
No, Marin, I haven't had this issue with dh. At what age is that to be expected?
We have had some good mojo time in the past two nights. Very sweet and tender, but also very intense. Couldn't ask for better than that!!!!
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I don't know, Deb....I never expected it! It's certainly not a big deal for me, but I'm just surprised that my experiences were so repetitive in this regard. Maybe I just scare the crap (but not the semen) out of men?!
Sounds so nice, Deb. Since my divorce, I've never wanted a man around 24/7, but this relationship is turning so many things around for me, including that. I would love to have him close every day and be able to be intimate at any time we wanted to......sigh.
~Marin
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Uh oh, Marin...sounds like, dare I say it? L-O-V-E...
Maybe he tries too hard to last long enough by distracting himself with baseball scores that he distracts himself out of a great finish.
Sounds perfect, bandteacher...!
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You know what I love that my dh does? Cups my face in his hands when he kisses me. I LOVE THAT!!!!
I swear, he could just do that, and I'd be all ga-ga.
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I thought it was just me. I also think my having cancer scared my husband so much his libido was stolen as well. Some of this conversation gave me hope.
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Topic: Singles with breast cancer
Conversation: OUR RIGHT FOR PRIVACY HERE!
Your conversation was successfully created.OUR RIGHT FOR PRIVACY HERE! Add your Comment to this Conversation jdash 
User since: 4 Sep 2006
621 CommentsA few seconds ago go to moderator messages topic - i started a conversation about our security and privacy issues on this board anyone here who is upset about what happened to beth PLEASE post there so our voices wil be heard i say that the person who did this to beth violated everyone of our rights here to share our knowledge and experiences with each other!!!!!! and should be BANNED from continuing on this site by the moderators
I for one will make sure i do not post anything personal again until this is resoved
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sirsmom....Please hang in there and give it some time. It's only been 8 months since you were diagnosed and I'm sure that both of you are still grappling with the effects of that whole mess. Deb (thebandteacher) has written some beautiful words of encouragement here about how important just holding one another and open communication is during this time. Things will definitely get better as you get used to your new "normal"....together.
~Marin
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Marin,
You gave me warm fuzzies just then!
Thank you, because you can take credit for helping me re-establish a connection with my dh. PS-I'm so stinkin' glad you are ok, btw.
Sirsmom, I do tend to be very open now about how hard it is after a cancer diagnosis. I'm going to scroll back and see if I can find the posting I did about intimacy after cancer.
I'll be back!
Deb0 -
Ok, this is a quote I responded to a sister regarding her saying that her husband does not want to touch her.
Oh honey. This is one of the hardest things about cancer. At least it was for me.
After chemo, surgery, and rads, I felt anything but beautiful. I also felt like my poor husband was thinking of me more as his patient than his wife and mate.
I wish I could say our intimacy just jumped back on track right away, but it took a lot of work for the both of us. We were suddenly without my breasts, which were a HUGE part of our physical connection.
I strongly urge you to check out the mojo thread. That is a place where so many of us go to get ideas and support as we deal with the physical and emotional changes cancer can bring to our lives. It has helped me tremendously.
I took quite a while before I would have sex without my shirt on. I covered up with my t-shirt, a cami, a nightie, whatever. I hated it at first, but it was so important to me to continue to give that to my husband.
He was a little unsure at first, but we stumbled through it together. He still goes for my breasts quite a bit, and it is hard not to pull away. He has no way of knowing that I have some sensation in one spot but not the other. I try to just lose myself in the closeness and forget that I feel "broken."
It is so hard, I know. This is going to be tough, but you have got to do this together, and you have to talk about it. You HAVE to. This isn't going to go away or change-you are different now than you once were.And, remember, it may feel like your husband isn't "loving" you, but he is going through the changes right alongside you-just as an onlooker, yes, but nonetheless he is watching his love go through something he can't protect her from. He is scared, too.
Love each other. That is all you can do.
I have one other quote I found.....
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Ok, here is another quote......
I had a bilateral mastectomy June 15th of 2006. My breasts were also a huge part of our intimacy (no pun intended regarding my former DD's).
Since then, I have struggled and we have experimented with several different things. It is hard after a bilateral, because your loved one doesn't quite understand the difference in sensation or lack thereof. My dh oftentimes still goes to my breasts, and at first I would cringe because I hated the feeling. Now, over a year later, I have discovered that there are still some sensitive SPOTS on my breasts (the upper region, the bottom region of both is totally numb).
I'm sure that your guy is probably not against trying new stuff. We have learned to be so much more creative than we were before. I now can admit that we were in somewhat of a routine when it came to intimacy.
Now, we can't do that. It's just as different for the guy now, so both of you have to be flexible (again, no pun intended).We have done LOTS of new positions (I give an A+++++ to the one where I am holding my butt up and my legs are straight in the air against his shoulders. Tiring as heck, but WHOA for the gspot stimulation).
We have tried new products. I like the Shunga line-there is a "Magic Jar" of desensitizer to help with oral (avoids the gag reflex). I like their massage oils and kissable powders (tastes like candy cigarrettes).
We have tried costumes. I admit I feel like a fool at times with a black boa on and I have bed head and my glasses on. However, that adds a great deal of excitement.
My absolute favorite thing that has helped enhace lovemaking?? We TALK. We do "dirty talk," which is really effective when timed right. My dh also kind of "narrates" what he is doing to me, and observes what I seem to be feeling. He also tells me what he feels. It truly makes me more aware, and has really helped me learn to enjoy intimacy once again.
I hope this helps. Be patient-I know this is a frustrating area when you are in recovery from so much other crap.
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Thank you Deb and Marin for your encouraging words.
I have scheduled an appointment with a woman gyn to see if I can deal with some of the physical issues. I keep getting yeast infections which isn't helping anything. My pcp gave me a prescription for testosterone cream. If I could remember to use it maybe it would help. I'm sure that a big part of the problem is age. I am 53. I was sailing along happily arrogant in my mistaken belief that I was a healthyand vibrant woman in her 50's, successfully dodging menopause symptoms with my estadiol cream. Chemotherapy and tamoxifen have taken away those delusions. Meanwhile my husband has scheduled a romantic weekend away . We tried this in December and it seemed to help, although I was somewhat burned from radiation at that point.
I know I need to give it time. I tend to be impatient with myself though. Paula
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Paula, how can you not be impatient? When you go through all of this mess, all you want and desire is to be the woman you remember yourself being. Once you go through all the treatment, you expect and anticipate the return of normal life (well, the new normal).
The weekend away sounds like a great plan. Have an open mind, and just immerse yourself in rediscovering your relationship with your hubby.
It is hard, this is really one of the hardest things about recovery (at least in my mind), because you can't "dodge" it. Your loss of libido is just plain there. If you are sick from chemo, you take a pill. If you are burned from rads, you use some creams. If you have no hair, you cover your head to feel more comfortable.
If you don't desire intimacy, there's thousands of suggestions to help spur it, but no ONE single method to fix it.
That is frustrating, and that isn't about YOU, it's about the disease.
Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing everything you should.
Love and prayers, Deb0 -
Hi, girls. I'm not a member of the mojo club but I saw something I thought you might want to investigate. It was in Dr. Christiane Northrup's newsletter yesterday. Some kind of female pheromone thing. http://www.love-scent.com/product_info.php/c/womens-pheromones/p/edge-gel-packs-for-women/cPath/7/products_id/58 What the heck?
Have fun........
Tina
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Huh. Well from the 4 reviews on that page it seems it doesn't work.
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LOL. I never even looked.
Actually, one of them, Sharon, gave it 5 out of 5 stars and says it does work. Maybe the other three need bags.
Only kidding, only kidding.
Tina
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