I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
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Welllllllllll, Liz, you've of course come to the right place! Now most toys are purchased based on the intended users preferences and particular turn-ons, but some seem to stimulate just about anyone. I hope that some of the others here chime in on this because I KNOW that they have a few wonderful toys too!
Basic suggestions: a "personal massager" (aka, a vibrator)- many of us like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but it's huge, somewhat noisy, and suited especially to solo sex (though it really IS a great massager for sore or tense muscles!). So maybe you'd like one of the stand-bys like the Pocket Rocket ( http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-top-picks/babeland-pocket-rocket ) or what we really like is a cock ring with a small, bullet-type vibe that can be attached ( http://store.babeland.com/men-cock-rings/sonic-ring-kit ). And then there are so many other types from which to choose: http://www.mypleasure.com/vibrators/index.asp?dept_id=700 !!! As for other stuff, you might like to select some tasty lube or other edibles ( http://www.mypleasure.com/Edible-Sensual-Treats.asp ), a soft set of handcuffs and a blindfold ( http://www.mypleasure.com/Sex-Toy-Our-First-Bondage-Kit.asp?dept_id=200 ), or any number of other erotic items on these sites. They have DVDs (educational and erotic "fiction"), dress-up, and even entire couples' kits like this one: http://www.mypleasure.com/Sex-Toy-Couples-Pleasure-Kit.asp?dept_id=9070 . So check 'em out, Liz, and please come back and give us your reviews. Myself? I'm hankering to try this next: http://www.mypleasure.com/Sex-Toy-Vibrawhip-Crop.asp?dept_id=6001&cat=SearchCat Looks most titllating, methinks
!~Marin
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Ha ha! We had our house on the market (until we flooded), and I was SURE that the first guy who was here looking at it took a double take at my Liberator pillow-I tried my best to make it hidden in the closet, but OF COURSE the realtor had to open the closet and show off all the space. He looked, looked away, then looked again, peering curiously at the huge triangular shaped pillow on my top shelf.
They probably think I am some sort of sex maniac.
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My onc said on Monday I could have a *little* Estroven cream to revive the engine. So I used some on Monday and Tuesday.
Ladies ... we HAVE penetration.
Hallelujah!
I'll let you know when the engine actually moves the car ... if you know what I mean.
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sigh - feeling jealous
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Jill, ((((HUGS))))0
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Lulu, what kind of car do you have and how many engines? I need one. HEheee. Maryiz
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Hello girls,
I want my mojo back too!! I have a problem with my DH. Before my BC surgery if he saw me naked he would of course act like a man (if you know what I mean) but now it is so different. I had bi-lat LD flaps and will have exchange in 2 weeks. Now he acts like it is nothing special to see me nude. Like he don't want to see my scared up boobs. I now wear a sexy nighty when we are (well you know) so he won't have to look at them and also if he touches them it is like he is scared and draws his hand back. This is really disturbing to me. I have not talked to him about it. I am waiting to see if anything changes after I heal from my exchange. If not then I will have a very serious talk with him. I do have feeling in my breast except for the flap. I am getting recon nipples so they will look as real as possible. They are still a part of me!! Did anyone else have this problem with their DH???
Linda
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Can't offer any advice as I didn't have recon, but I do know my chest is still a bit tender and it's taking us a while to get to know what 'good touch' is from 'bad touch' if you can understand that. Perhaps he's feeling that he'll hurt you if he touches you wrong? Or maybe he's afraid to get back into the swing of old feelings, b/c of something you've inadvertently done/said over the last months? I'm not saying you said anything wrong, but you know men...they read into things as we do, but not so smartly!
I'm just thinking, maybe it hurt once when he tried, or you weren't interested when he was, so he's thinking YOU aren't interested as often, and taking it slow, or perhaps he's just scared all together to 'stir' things up. I've heard or read somewhere about men thinking they could catch it! I'm sure it was older men, in older times, but perhaps he's really afraid in that sense or something. Why wait? It's such an intimate thing and only the 2 of you can work through it. Ask, him...or tell him he can touch as he used to, or that you are ready to resume pre-cancer activities with as much gusto as before, or not, or whatever you are feeling. I know my dh is still afraid, and I have to say, there are times I wish he were more careful and don't say and need to, b/c he's strong and I'm bit more fragile in that area than I used to be. There has to a be a happy medium in there and we'll find...just takes time.Good luck and let us know how the talk goes!
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Wishiwere,
Thank you for your kindness. You gave me alot to think about. I will also think about having that talk sooner than later. I will post again.
Linda
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Please do post again, b/c we are all on a learning curve here, needing one another to get through this. I hope the talk goes as you need, and not as you fear. I doubt it's that, more than not, just a fear and we all know men, don't like to admit that emotion
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When I was going through treatment in 2005, I know my hubby and I had some rough patches, where I just know we both were sure I'd die.
If your husband is anything like mine, the worst thing to do is to bring up what is obviously weighing heavily on his heart. That puts you into a corner. If you are anything like I am, the last thing you want to do is to just let an issue slide by. I am such a fixer by nature.My surrogate father told me the other day, "The worst thing you can do for someone who needs cheering up is to try to cheer them up." He was so right. In our own situation (as we go through dx., chemo, rads, surgery), the lousiest time can often be when people trip all over themselves trying to make it easier on us.
It's tough, but perhaps giving him a bit of space might be what gets him to come around. When you see an opening, grab it.
And, if that doesn't help, I would suggest some counseling. He could benefit from individual counseling, and maybe the two of you could go together, too. There is NO shame in getting help-I am the first to admit that with my own marriage.
As far as intimacy is concerned, that is such a delicate struggle for so many of us, and our husbands/mates go through it right beside us. They, too, grieve the loss of their old normal. Imagine-he is your husband, and therefore feels that he should be protecting you from the world. Of course, he can't protect you from cancer, and he still probably feels a bit powerless as a result.
Our mates don't know how to handle (pardon the pun) our new breasts. It's different, feels different, looks different. In my own relationship, my husband still goes for my breasts during intimacy. I hardly have feeling at all in that area (there are a few "hot spots"), and sometimes have to redirect him. He understands.
We have to stumble through this together. We learn new ways to be intimate because we have to. Breast cancer women can't give up on intimacy simply because cancer took the thing that society uses to define us as women. HECK NO!I started coming to the Mojo thread around the time of my bilateral, and haven't stopped. There are so many good ideas, as well as a lot of support. Honestly, this thread has helped IMPROVE our intimacy. In fact, guess where I'm going when I log off of bc.org?
You HAVE to talk about it, because this isn't going away. We are here for you. Love and prayers, Deb
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Deb, Thanks so much. This has already helped me more than you know. My DH tends to keep things inside. He is a very nervous person and a worrier. The morning of my bi-lat you would have thought it was him going under the knife. I guess I am at fault also because I never showed much emotion to him even when I got the news that I had cancer AGAIN after 23 years of being cancer free. Even back then I did not show emotion. I guess that is just me. This is want it is and you just do want you have to do to survive and there's no sense in being upset about it. That is me!!! Maybe it is my fault the reason my DH treats me different now. I actually thought that he would love my bigger foobs since I never had much before. He never liked me making jokes about the size (wanting to look like Dolly) before surgery and during fillings. All he said was that he thought I should stay close to my original size. Maybe he don't like them being bigger. Well, I had to please myself. I wanted to look better in my clothes. I had a choice so I took advantage of it and went bigger. From almost B to a C cup. Sorry to get off on this but it is good to get it off my chest. I just want to be desired again, foobs and all. I will add that DH has no problem with the love making part of intimacy, and he does feel bad that I can't get my mojo. He keeps asking me what he can do different and I just say that I don't know. And then I feel like crying. It has been 7 months for me!!!! I am thinking about getting a toy HEEHEE but I am afraid that he would feel bad that he cannot satisfy me anymore. Breast stimulation was a big part of me getting there and now they are gone. I did tell my DH that a while back. Thanks for listening to me rattle on. Have a great weekend. The weather is beautiful here in North Mississippi.
Linda
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Helloooooo Wishiwere...
Just checking in to see how you're doing with the Estrace or if youre still using it? I have a wonderful female gyno doc...she is very empathetic...her sister and mom have both had breast cancer. At my last year check up she recommened the Estrace & Vagifem (short time...tiny amounts) to repair my painful parts...I was so sore even the speculum was extremely painful. After a couple weeks I was a new girl!! My hubby & I tried intercourse but it was still 'uncomfortable' and I didn't feel comfortable with the 'risky' estrogen therapy and stopped. Ok...a year has passed ( a year of no intercourse)..i saw her again...again she recommends the Estrace & vagifem...says another patient only needs to apply it 2 x a month and is doing great. She reiterated that the tiny amounts we use don't get into the bloodstream yet does wonders on repairing the tissue. So...i'm trying it again. First 2 weeks...use both 3 to 5 x a week....then 2 x a week for a month...then 2 x a month for 3 months...we'll see.
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I'm so glad this thread is here. So much info that we need. And info to tell our Dr.
Thanks to all for sharing.
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Marin-
thanks all the great info (see Sept. 24th). I'll let my husband decide and surprise me
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hahahaha....regarding our kids finding the Liberator......
Daniel couldn't sleep the other night. We had our L out and were preparing to use it. I quickly ushered Daniel back to bed, and he whispers, "Mommy, are we going to a hotel?" He sounded all excited and hopeful. I said, "No, honey. Why?" He said, "Because I saw that big black suitcase out! Are we going to Disney?!"
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Oh my, too funny! And how did you respond to the big black one that was not for his disney world, but mommy's? ROFL TOo funny!
Franny, I've not been good at staying with it, b/c it's all so scary. I'm trying now to be good at keeping up with it. Dh is home tomorrow for his one day, so I'll let you know. Better work, b/c next week he took off an extra couple days for our anniversary since we missed it last year with my surgeries and tx. Oh my....am I scared or what? Been using it like i'ts life now! Surely hope it works, or I might be in the ER by the end of the weekend after next!
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Good one Whoopsiedoodles
! I'm still trying to master the art of hiding things from my kids such as my thong underwear from my 11 year old daughter who keeps saying that mommies aren't supposed wear things like that. Good luck Wishiwere. Hope you have a wonderful anniversary. Hope it works the way it should.
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Thanks Liz!
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Ladies - got clearance from my onc today to try testasterone (sp?). Any guidance? He told me my ob/gyn would have to prescribe it, have an appt next week.
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Oops -- he told me I could try the cream. Probably should read before I click "submit". LOL
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I was just diagnosed a week ago. I am 33 and my biggest fear right now is not that i will die but that we will lose our sex life. I just can't believe i have to go through this and maybe not be with him at the same time. I am glad so many people are talking about this.
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Nandy,
Welcome. You have come to a great place for support, and ideas. I was 31 at dx., and was terrified of what would happen to our intimacy. I had a bilateral mastectomy, and my (then huge) breasts were such a huge role in our foreplay.
You can post you fears here, and get a lot of answers from women who have been there, are there right with you, or are afraid of being there.
Believe it or not, both my husband and I agree that our intimate lives are far better than they were before cancer. Perhaps a part of that is that we chose to have cancer bring us closer together rather than tear us apart, but we were forced into a role much different than what we have been accustomed to.
We learned to try new things, and re-discover ourselves. Marin is a fantastic go-to woman for ideas and help in the Mojo department, and really helped me with some ways to overcome body fear.
My breasts are tiny in comparison to their old version, and my husband still goes to them during sex. In the beginning, this made me cringe. I didn't like the feeling, and was paranoid that he didn't like them.
What I discovered is that I still have some sensitive areas on both breasts, and I have learned to drop the fear and enjoy the closeness of being with my husband.
It is scary, but remember that he is going through this right along side you (whether it be your husband or boyfriend). You HAVE to talk about it, or it will affect you negatively.
Please, come here often, and feel free to PM me if you'd like. We are pretty close in age (I'm 34 now). We're all here for you, Deb
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Deb, thanks for such an honest and open reply. Prior to this is I had often wondered who my husband loved more me or THEM!! We have been married for ten years and he is actually being unbelievably supportive but i know he feels it will be a loss and our sex life will be changed dramatically, as it was a huge part of our foreplay as well. I am just so relieved to be saying outloud what is most on my mind. In truth i would welcome somewhat smaller boobs, although he wouldn't! At the end of the day though we are both more worried about loss of sensation and things like you are talking about-me not wanting him to touch me at all. As it is, since i have been diagnosed i feel weird when he touches the other side and there is nothing even wrong with that side.
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Nandy, you are so very welcome.
I can identify with your last statement, "since i have been diagnosed i feel weird when he touches the other side and there is nothing even wrong with that side," completely!!!!
When I had my mammo/ultrasound and was told that I had lots of abnormalities going on, I came home to my husband, who was trying to calm me down (I guess, who knows?!) by touching me in the area I was just told might kill me.
From that moment on, I became obsessed with what was going on in his mind during lovemaking. I worried that he was afraid he'd feel more lumps in my breasts, that the fact it carried cancer in one side was a turn off, that he was already disgusted by my breasts just because of what it was doing to our lives.
The truth is, he could care less. Not in the sense that he doesn't care about me or my health, but during an intimate moment, the last thing on his mind is, "Wow, look at those scars. Eew."
The scars don't bother him a single bit.
You've had longevity with your husband. I'm pretty confident that he will love you with cancer just as he loved you without. However, I can't emphasize enough that you MUST talk to him about this. If your husband is anything like mine, (or most), he'd be much happier to not talk about conflict. This is not like a disagreement over who was supposed to take out the trash. This is your marriage and intimacy at stake.
I didn't want my husband to touch me in the beginning. I wore camisoles at times. I was very guarded. Suddenly, I got used to it. It was at that time that I was willing to allow my husband to "explore," and I can remember gasping, "I can FEEL that!"
A bilateral mastectomy gave me the guts to try new things and find out that I enjoyed them.
It takes time. It's not easy. The women here will be a lifesaver-they were to me. You can DO this.
Love and prayers, Deb
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Deb, You are so right and such a great supporter and even better relayer of what we want to say and sometimes can't. Thank you!
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Oh wishiwere, you just gave me a huge warm fuzzy. Love to you-Deb
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Does anyone know if there is anyplace where men are talking about this stuff? I know its a long shot . . . men, feelings, talking . . . but just curious?
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I know there was a spouse/boyfriend thread going on a while back, I can't even remember where it was on this site, though.
There is also a family section on the site-also a potential place for men to talk about this.
haha....longshot....just got that!!!! Good job keeping your humor! Deb
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Deb, it was true, is why I said it. Glad you got a warm fuzzy from it!
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