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Stop Smoking Support Thread

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  • flfish
    flfish Member Posts: 309
    edited February 2009

    Wow Jancie, your dream is weird, and I had a similar one.  I had a dream that I was at a party smoking and I woke up SO mad at myself.....then I realized that I had actually taken the advice from this board and I had gone to bed at 8:30, smoke free.  Too funny.  Heck, we even beat ourselves up when we are dreamingLaughing!

    You ladies are all correct about the smell.  My dh has cut down to 3-4 ciggs a day (he didn't do the cold turkey like I did), but I do notice, that when he walks in the house after having his "one nightly" smoke...he STINKS.  I can't believe that I stunk like that for almost 20 years.  Another great reason to quit! 

    Great tips on getting the Ambien or Valium.  My doc offered the Ambien and I said no at first, but I now wake up at 2:00 am every morning, and I need something.  I will hit him up on that for sure. Maybe I can sleep my way to being smoke free! =)

  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009
    Morning Ladies!

    Jancie, glad you like setting your boundaries. If you can shave off some responsibilities, try to get a little more support, etc, it makes the quit smoking a little easier.  Learning how to say no or not at this time was huge for me as I needed to have less stress as possible in my life as quitting was stressful enough. And thanks for the tip on drugs. I talked to my PS yesterday and he was okay with it but he said to talk to my primary care Dr for the prescription, what a pain the the butt! He is the most stingiest Dr when giving out pain meds, he gave me 40 Vics coming out of the hospital and then another 20 when I asked for more. I am glad I saved a few as filling up my expander yesterday was a little ouchy.

    I am sending Nervousknitter a 2 week cyber hug!!! Congrats on your 16 days!! I remember my first NA meeting and they were handing out chips for not smoking. The first chip was, "Does anyone have 1 hour free." Yup, that's right. I think it was meant as humor and to send a message home that cigs are a very powerful drug. Our Denver meeting has only 1 week and above chips, maybe they don't have the 1 hour chips anymore which is a shame as it helps the newcomers break the tension, got a laugh out of me on my first meeting.

    Well I am on day 5 on Chantix, still taste good. My roommate told me that when she took it the last time, it started tasting bad and smelling bad too. I am looking forward to that! Talking about weird dreams. I just found out a couple of nights ago that my ex is getting married. Not sure what to think about that. I am not crying or not feeling much hurt, but not sure if I am in a state of shock or I am more over him than I had thought. I sound screwy huh. I don't remember my dreams exactly but do remember he was there and I had a feeling of abandonment and sadness. I don't think about him or want to get back together, haven't been in love with him for years but being dumped still hurts quite a bit. And my dreams tell me that I am still hurting.

    Have a great day and give yourself a hug for working it!
  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009

    Jancie, almost forgot. Don't know Marianne Krammer, I just jumped once to tackle some of my fears. Was good for me as I felt stronger as a person, makes you braver for the next scary thing in life. Don't think I can get past ants though, lol. Especially the big red ones. Rather play with coachroaches, yuck.

  • NervousKnitter
    NervousKnitter Member Posts: 46
    edited February 2009

    Good evening, ladies! It has been a quiet one for all of us who are thinking/trying/getting off the smokes. I'd like to think that all of you are out having a smoke-free pre-Valentine's whoppdy doo! I check the boards when I get the real big urge (after dinner/before bed) to light up. Now I'll just take my giant bag of Pirate Booty and head to the T.V.

    I'm reminding myself how great my breath will be for all those Valentinue hugs and kisses when I haven't had a smoke (severe Pirate Booty breath, tho!)

    Cyber hugs to all...

  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 403
    edited February 2009

    Nknitter - I made it through day 10 and this was one of the easist days for me and I even forgot to take my Chantrix until 11 am and haven't taken one tonight.  I was a little bit nauseated - don't know why but I wasn't feeling well at all so I pretty much laid up in bed with a heating pad.  I slept for hours so now I am back up for a little bit.

    Tomorrow is my pre-chemo party and I am on the fence about having a drink or not.  I think that has me stressed out and also starting chemo next week - no wonder my stomach is in knots.

    I am demanding more and more kisses out of my dh now that I quit smoking.  Before I didn't want him kissing me when I had smokers breath and that seemed like most of the time. 

  • REKoz
    REKoz Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Jancie and N Knitter- You women ROCK! I can only imagine the smoke free days that I will hopefully in the future be able to post here. It's when I read about your urges that I go UGH...I don't WANT to have to go through that!! But, I don't want to go through chemo either and here I am, one day out of the first week of cycle #2. Remember, I am on a 3 week on, 1 off protocol. Because of that and the fact that I am on Abraxane rather than taxtotere, I have thus far avoided steroids and there side effects. From all that I've read, that's a good thing. I just woke up with a headache, took my Zofran and really don't expect today to be bad if it goes like the first cycle. Mon and Tues have been the awful days for me. So, I see the PS on Monday and DEMAND Valium! Hopefully, that plus feeling too yuck to smoke will be just what I need to begin this, the latest journey of what seems to be a current life of never ending challenges.

    I shall direct my attention to you ladies and the knowledge that this can be done. I just have to want it bad enough to deal with all it takes!

    Ellen

  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009
    It's funny that you mentioned cigarette breath, I remember as a nonsmoker how bad that smell was, sometimes I held my breath around smokers when they talked too close to me. As a smoker I would chew gum around people at a social gathering.

    Jancie and ReKoz, all this talk of dreaming about cigs, I had one last night. I was looking my for cig and someone told me I smoked it and then I was bummed because I didn't remember smoking it. How's that for weird.

    Not that I should put anything more on my plate, as it is large enough already, but I am concerned about gaining weight when quitting cigs. Last time I gained 25lbs, some of the rapid weight gain was I went to a desk job as a graphic artist. About 2 1/2 years ago I was up to 189 and went down to 130 before all my surgeries. I have gained about 20 lbs in recovery in the last year, sitting in bed stuffing my face out of boredom. I am now at 150 and that is the most where I want to be, especially being single again. So quitting smoking has me worried about weight gain, especially since I can't get out and salsa, pump iron, etc. Salsa was great, dancing a few hours and I would get on the scale the next morning 2 lbs lighter, I know most of is water but still feels good. So this time around I think I will get back to painting, maybe that will keep me preoccupied and out of the fridge. I also have the 94% fat free popcorn for the carb munchies, just wish I wasn't recovering and quitting at the same time because a good cardio would of been nice.

    I know that quitting at this time is more important than weight gain, as they say the weight can wait. But it really really bothers me, almost rather smoke than gain weight, how's that for vanity. So I want to limit it as much as possible. Maybe weight gain is not a problem for you, but if it is, how do you ladies deal with weight gain?
  • REKoz
    REKoz Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Janzin I apologize for leaving you off of the "you rock" list. Janzin, Jancie, I am beginning to get confused about who is who on this board and other threads as well! Anyway, I could have written what you wrote above almost verbatim!! How tall are you? I too had gained 25lbs last time I quit for a year and a half. I am 5'8" and 3 years ago I was almost up to 180 (it did however, give me boobs like I never had!). I weighed in at 150 pre surgery and am now 160 which is as far as I want to go. Can't get into my skinniest pants but as long as that doesn't happen with my current can't get any smaller pants, I will be happy. I KNOW it's sick to worry about weight more than smoking but I have decided I am just a sick individual! I am so much happier when I am happy with my weight. As a chubby kid, I developed a weight neurosis and it does effect my well being.

    Ugh, I am afraid I will stop the effort if I see that scale climbing. On the other hand, everytime I light up, I can't help but think that if I were an observer of me, I'd say; "How stupid, she deserves everything she gets!" It's the old catholic school guilt compounded by reality! God, life can be such a struggle! The alternative is not an option either!

    Ellen

  • nobleanna007
    nobleanna007 Member Posts: 58
    edited February 2009

    Hi Everyone,

        Sorry I have not touched base lately but do want you to know I got my presc. for Chantix and am going to start Monday. I know I said Friday but forgot the cute kids are off from school next week and when I go for it I want to be able to have that first day without anyone home. I know I can smoke next week while on it so I am going to try to cut back each day. So I will be prepared when the kids go off to school on the first smoke free day of the rest of my life I can say good-bye to my bestfriend and be by myself without the added stress. My son is ADHD and is a hand full so I do not want any excuses to not quit on that day.

        I have tried chantix before and yes the cigg did taste funny but I smoked right through it. and the quit taking it cause I was whats the point. This time I have all of you to keep me in line!!!!

               I am so very proud of all who are still moving forward on their nonsmoking!!!!!!

          And to us who are just beginning this difficult journey!!!

                                                        HUGS-Bridget

  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009
    REKoz, that's okay, I haven't quit yet. Quit on monday and on day 6 of chantix. Been focusing on work so my smoking has increased the last 4 days.

    Nobleanna, good to hear from you. Sounds like you have your hands full. Good to have a plan for quitting, every little bit helps. I am trying to get caught up with work so I can take it easy and focus on quitting.

    Fifish, like your idea of sleeping to smoke free. I see my PC Dr for valiums and ambien this wed. Hopefully she doen't give me grief on getting meds.

    Back to Work!!
  • webwriter
    webwriter Member Posts: 63
    edited February 2009

    Ug! You know you're a die hard smoker when the headache, the bone pain, the messed up sinuses and the nausea don't keep you from heading out to the shop for one every four hours after meds!

  • nobleanna007
    nobleanna007 Member Posts: 58
    edited February 2009

    I know what you mean Webbie- I would do the same thing. Just does not make sense does it. But you are also on decdron which really drives you up. It drove me up so bad my bloodpressure went through the roof. And talk about talking I couldn't stop. I drove everyone in the house crazy I would talk a hundred miles an hour. Thank-god they took me off it. It made chemo a lttle harder but it was better than being in high gear!!

            So don't beat yourself up about it. I think its pretty darn good you go for four hour stretches, I could not do it!!!

                                         HUGS-Bridget 

  • NervousKnitter
    NervousKnitter Member Posts: 46
    edited February 2009

    Greetings, ladies! So nice to see some hot activity here on our thread!! Ellen, yes, you have to want to quit badly enough that you're willing to deal with the other parts of it. I have to say, though, that the physical part of quitting wasn't bad for me at all. I'm sure that's thanks to the Chantix. It's the HABIT part that is so hard. You need to be prepared with knowing what you'll do when the urge strikes:  take a hot bath? take a walk? read? pray? The stats are something like the physical urge only lasts 15 to 30 seconds--the rest is the habit of the addiction. Pretty amazing, eh? It seems like it lasts for SOOOOOO long when it is happening.  So just by thinking about quitting I think you're on the right path. Of course it's the right path, it's where the rest of us crazies are, so therefore it MUST be right!! :-)

     Jancie--doesn't it feel good to know you have passed the one week mark and week two will be here shortly? You should feel REALLY, REALLY proud of yourself. I thought I could quit before chemo, but didn't. Do keep us posted when you start chemo as to how you are feeling. Our thoughts and prayers will be with you. And you're starting chemo SMOKE FREE.  WOW! WOW! WOW!

     Bridget--good for you for cutting back. I think it will help out when the Chantix starts to kick in. And yes, children are a great reason for us to want to smoke. Being here to see them grow up and someday (maybe) be a grandparent is a great reason to stop. Actually, one of the reasons I wanted to quit is that I didn't want to be on oxygen and have my kids look at me and think "If only she had quit--she wouldn't be like this."

    Janzin-I'm so jealous you can salsa. I have NO sense of rhythm or voice. It's truly pathetic.

    Webbie--I too, could smoke when I felt awful. In fact, it seemed the worse I felt the more I'd want to smoke. Makes no sense at all. Actually, I think I continued to smoke because the cigs were my companion as I faced life feeling like poo.

    As to weight gain. I bought a small (like 40" in diameter) trampoline and sometimes when the urge hits I jump on it. A friend told me her nutritionist said 15 minutes of good jumping is 200 calories. I've also done sit ups, pulled weeds outside or gone for a walk when the urge hit. I don't want to gain weight, so I try to think of an activity other than eating to get me through the urge. I do have this thing for Pirate Booty. I also am drinking lots of tea. I'll make a cup when the urge hits and by the time it's passed I've got the tea in my hand.  Of course, I sound so righteous here--the other day I was eating string cheese and looked down and realized I was holding it in my fingers like it was a cig. Let's all get through this quitting thing together and then we can all be "poo, now I need to lose weight" buddies.

    And of course you can all learn to knit!! (Did you know you can use a metal knitting needle to stab food from a distance? Then you can eat without even getting up! Now, how's THAT for a helpful tip?!

    I hope you all feel well this evening and are treated by everyone in your life like the princess that you are.

    Jill

  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 403
    edited February 2009

    I love this group in this thread!!  Ya'll are all so great!  I made it through Day 11 - I was really leary about having a glass of wine at my pre-chemo party but then decided to have just 1/2 of a glass and I didn't crave a cigarette nor did I even think about smoking.  I was with 9 other women and none of them smoke.

    So I just have to share this story about the party.  One woman had gone on the internet and ordered wig caps for all of the people there - the ones that make you look like you are bald.  I walk in and everyone has the "bald look" going on.  Not only that, as a surprise one of my friends came from California to attend the party.  My mouth dropped open when I saw her - I wanted so bad for her to come but she lives in CA now.

    I got so many hats - each one of them bought me a hat or a scarf or a beanie type cap.  I even got a gift certificate to a spa!  We sat around ate, drank, and then it was time to cut my hair.

    I put my hair in a pony tail and wack!  it was off.  They looked at me and said "Oh my God - you look great!"  It was like I had an instant hair cut that looked awesome other than some minor trimming which we did.  I will post pictures tomorrow once I get someone to turn them 180 degrees for me since I don't know how to do this.

    Then I tried on my wigs for them and next thing you know everyone is trying on my wigs and the cameras were flying like crazy.  Each person tried on all three wigs so you can imagine all of the pictures that we took.  It was just a blast and it was so great to see my friends and how absolutely supportive they are.

    I will post more and get back to each one of you tomorrow but it has been a busy day and I am exhausted.  Sleep well!

  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009
    REKoz, I forgot to tell you that I am 5'7". Your story is so much like mine, amazing but since we were able to lose weigh once, we can do it again. I went and did another booth last night at a MMA fight, put on my fat jeans and rip it a little. Boo Hoo! I hope I don't gain anymore, will have to buy new pants.

    Webbie I too smoke when I am feeling bad. I have smoked on hangovers before and then go directly to the bathroom and throw up, now that's crazy. I hope you will be feeling better soon, there is always tomorrow for quitting, just take care of you today.

    Nobleanna, wish you luck on Chantix, let me know how it goes for you. I still smoke just as much as ever, don't feel any different except for a head buz at times. I hope this helps because quitting cold turkey sounds like the impossible for me right now. Monday is my quit day, I think it's my 4th try.

    Nervousknitter, I like the trampoline idea. especially since it is so cold here. Not sure if I can jump with the expander though, lol. As soon as I put myself back together again I will be out doing salsa and the weight comes off pretty fast. Salsa is a very fast dance, it will take me a while to get back at 3 hours pretty much non stop dancing again as I will probably die after the first song when I get back to it. Maybe I will try your tea idea too, I drink too much coffee as it is. Did knitting help with your cravings?

    Janice, sounds like a great party. I think I will quit drinking for a while because I am afraid I might start back up again if I drink, hats off to you that you could get in a glass of wine. Looking forward to the pictures, what fun!

    Have a good Sunday Butt Fondlers!
  • malleme
    malleme Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Hello Ladies,

    sorry I haven't posted all week but I have been reading everyday.  I took the chantix for the past 8 days thank you. My 2nd attempt this past  month. I tried before my surgery on jan 26th and then smoked before I found this group.  I can't thank you all enough for getting me thru this week. emotionally.   My quit date is tonight and I will sleep late tomorrow. I have listened to all your challenges with family, work and life and wow you should all be in the Hall of Fame.  

    I decided my new favorite poem is the Al-non one that I found on Ann lander Site.  But back in 2004 a women with Breast Cancer( tired mommy) changed the poem and says for women of BC it really needs to be Just for a hour. instead of the original which is Just for Today.  So maybe if we stop smoking for an hour those hours will become days and than weeks just like some of you have shown me on this site. Congrats to you who are at this space and for encouraging the rest of us everyday.  I  look forward to just tomorrow and making it thru my 1st day of no smoking. Althought I am smoking and saying goodbye to my smelly firends tonight.  This week I have my 1st fill and find out about Chemo so I know it is time to quit. Again thanks god for this site and this discussion where guilt and judgement is just not here but rather honest fun understanding of our situation. 

    I will get off my soap box now.  Glod bless and I wish everyone a great night.

    Malle

  • flfish
    flfish Member Posts: 309
    edited February 2009

    Congratulations to all who made it through the weekend.  I didn't....but I am still trying. I joke that I have become a social smoker....I have no problem getting through the week, but weekends are SO hard.  I am not going to beat myself up over it though.  For now, it is Monday and I am not going to smoke this week.  At least that is something.  Then maybe I can make it through the weekends someday.

    Jancie, your pre chemo party sounds like a blast.  It sounds like you have 9 really wonderful and supportive friends, that is wonderful.  You are very lucky.

    Hugs and prayers to all of you having chemo this week.  .

    Ellie

  • Firni
    Firni Member Posts: 521
    edited February 2009

    Hi ladies,

    I haven't posted here since this thread was started but I've been lurking around.  I'm so proud of all of you for either making it or continuing to try.  Only a smoker or ex-smoker can understand the stops and starts of quitting smoking.  Such a hard hard thing to do.  I'm so impressed that after smoking you are all willing to jump right back on the wagon.  I could never do that.  Once I smoked, I smoked full time and and didn't even try any more.  So, cudos to all of you!!!!   It's been 4 months and 15 days since my last cig. 

  • Janzin
    Janzin Member Posts: 491
    edited February 2009
    Sorry gals, didn't make it today. Starting to feel pretty pathetic, want to cry out my frustrations. I did make it through my morning coffee though. Yesterday I was tired and didn't plan for today very well and my mind set was weak. Can't believe how weak I feel. So today I am planning for tomorrow and will try to quit again. I will try to cut down today by the amount of how much I go out instead of how much of the cig I smoke. I want to try to break down the when I have an urge, maybe that will help the whens tomorrow. Just so hard to quite with everything on my plate! I know, excuses huh.

    Malleme, I understand the hour part! I am already missing my friends. I know that we can do it if our minds are in the right place. Maybe I will meditate tonight, haven't done that in years. If nothing else I will get some oxygen, lol.

    Fifish, I think it is a huge step recognizing your weak areas and I know that you will find your solution or your strength as you keep trying. Getting in the week is huge, I can't even get in one day! I feel like I am on auto pilot and someone else is walking me outside for that smoke. Maybe that is part of my problem, I have to shut the auto pilot off.

    Firni, wow, that is so great! Lend us some of your quit smoking wisdom! Are you over your urges? Can't wait to be free of this and I can use my mind to think about other things instead of quitting. And I think about quitting a lot. Chantix hasn't been much help yet, today is the full strength though so hopefully it will kick start me a little.

    And to the rest of you ladies, keep up the good work. Thanks for being here and all the support you give, means a lot to me.

    Still trying,
    Janet
  • Firni
    Firni Member Posts: 521
    edited February 2009

    I started taking Welbutrin for hot flashes about a year ago.  My Dr. told me that would also help me quit smoking if I ever wanted to.  Well.  I didn't want to.  And I think that is the key.  I knew I should.  I knew it stunk.  I knew I was making myself sick.  But, as you all know, those little butts are our best friends and we don't want to let them go.  And, well, I liked smoking.  When I found out I had BC, I didn't quit.  When the PS I wanted to do my reconstruction wouldn't do it on a smoker, I quit.  I found something I wanted more than the cigs.  I quit cold turkey.  It was hard at first but I kept telling myself the only one I'm cheating is myself.  I was only going to quit until after my mast. was done and the expanders were in. ( PS would be committed at that point).  So I wasn't looking at something for the rest of my life.  It was a temporary thing.  But I don't want to smoke any more.  I don't usually have urges unless I'm REALLY upset about something.  I'm sure part of it is the Welbutrin.  I don't know if Chantix is the same thing or not.  It might be.   

    All I really know is if you just think you should quit smoking, you will have a battle.  If you truly want to quit, you'll be able to.  I just don't know how to tell anyone else how to get to that point. 

  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 403
    edited February 2009

    Firni wrote:  All I really know is if you just think you should quit smoking, you will have a battle.  If you truly want to quit, you'll be able to.  I just don't know how to tell anyone else how to get to that point. 

    I couldn't agree more!  Each time I failed in the past (7 times) was because I was quitting because I was being pressured by my husband, family, friends, etc.  It wasn't because I wanted to quit.  For the first time I truly wanted to quit myself and I thank Webbie for that one by posting that chemo is less effective if you smoke.

    Welbutrin and Chantrix are two different types of meds.  Welbutrin is typically prescribed as an anti-depressant whereas Chantrix actually stops the receptors in the brain that are telling our bodies that we must have nictotine in our body.  I tried the Welbutrin in the past and it didn't help because even though I was less depressed I still couldn't get through the nicotine cravings.

    I need to back up a statement that I wrote a week ago about how Chantrix makes cigarettes taste bad - yes it does but I think it is only if you stop for 24 to 48 hours and then smoke again.  If you continue to regularly smoke on Chantrix there is no change in flavor (at least my own personal experience).  If you stop for a day or two then the smokes don't taste as good.  I know there has been a lot of comments written since that the smokes don't taste any different.  I took Chantrix and smoked for 5 days.  No difference in taste.  I then quit for 48 hours and had a smoke - they didn't taste so great at all - I didn't get the enjoyment of the taste.  I smoked for 2 days and then quit again for good.

    Tomorrow is my 2 week mark of not smoking!

    I am sorry I havent' been around and writing back to each one individually for the past 5 days but I have had so much going on and yesterday I just had a major pity party day and then put myself on a guilt trip for feeling sorry for myself when there are people here that are just happy that they are still alive, they have had numerous rounds of chemo, mets, etc.  I started to think I had no right to feel bad for myself when there are so many that are truly struggling with BC.  Anyways, I just kept quiet and off the boards  yesterday as I tried to sort things out in my head.  BC will really screw with your mind so I am finding out!  And the support group doesn't meet tonight because it is President's Day so that had me upset.

    Going to church yesterday was totally awkward and not enjoyable.  Even though I got a wig that closely matched my hair color, length, style, etc. I could see people just staring at me and I got really upset.  It is different with my friends where I can cut up and get loose and have a good time and find some humor in all of this crap but at church it is different.  So......instead of wearing my church wig I think I will wear my red one with a purple hat next Sunday and pretty much say "screw it, I am going to have fun, either you are with me or you are not"  I think the only way to get over feeling awkward is instead of trying to hide the fact that my hair is getting ready to fall out, instead I have to stand up tall and make a statement that yes, I am aware that this is a wig and I am not embarrassed and you think this one is crazy wait until you see my really long strawberry blonde one!

  • flfish
    flfish Member Posts: 309
    edited February 2009

    Firni, I think you hit it right on the head.  "If you truly want to quit, you'll be able to."  I think that is my problem.  I tell myself I want to quit, but the truth is that I really enjoy smoking, I always have.   I don't know much about Welbutrin.  I will have to look into that.  The Chantix did not work for me, it only gave me terrible headaches, so any other option is great.  (I am also not against trying the Valium)

    Thanks for bringing up the weight gain topic.  When I had quit for 5 weeks (before I fell off the wagon), I had already gained 5 pounds.  Ugh, that alone can make you want to smoke.  I already feel ugly at times with my lopsided boob, I don't need the weight gain as well.  I had already gained 10 pounds when I started the tamox.  I love to walk my dogs, and I do walk about 4 miles every day, but the weight still came on.  Too bad the docs can't come up with an anti depressant, weight loss, quit smoking and curb hot flashes "pill"!!Tongue out

  • NervousKnitter
    NervousKnitter Member Posts: 46
    edited February 2009

    Good morning, all!  Malle--the best of luck on your fill tomorrow and chemo this week. You've got a alot going on, so going even an hour without a smoke deserves a pat on the back. Janzin wrote about "NA" on these boards and I had to ask what that was--it's Nicotine Anonymous. I've been to two meetings and it's helping me and they have info online abou them as well. They follow the same 12 step stuff that Alcohol Anonymous does. What's most important is not to beat yourself up if you do smoke. Like I said, you have lots going on. And our thread here is totally nonjudgmental--we're here to support each other even if we have a cig in our hand while we type!!

     Flfish--that's two days without smoking! That's REALLY good!  Look at the positive, not the negative.

    Firni--thanks for the kind words. Four months--I look forward to getting there, too. I'll be three weeks out on Tuesday.

    Janice--congrats on two weeks!  I so remember how I felt when I when out with a wig on. I could have sworn that everyone in the place was looking at me and I felt so uncomfortable. I even had their looks divided into categories:  the "Oh, isn't that pitiful" look, the "Get away from her--I don't want to catch it" and "Iiich. That aint purdy" look.  The reality of it, though, is that they look at us all the time--we just pay more attention when we think we stand out in a crowd.  How many times have you remembered what a stranger really looks like? And even if they weren't a stranger, can you remember when someone had a bad hair day?  Of course there's the instance where we all die laughing at the guy who does the famous comb over and sprays it into position, but chances are if he changed his hair and walked right up to us we wouldn't know who he was.

    We live in a super liberal place that is known for a population of wierd folks. When I was going through chemo if I felt like wearing my wig I'd go to one store in a nicer part of town; when I didn't feel like wearing the wig I'd go to the part of town where there are lots and lots of strange people. They didn't even give me a second glance. That, and the guy who sold me my wigs was a transvestite. Really good looking as either man or woman, by the way. He was absolutely hilarious. He gave me these giant rub on tattoos--I had a rose about 4" in diameter that was my favorite. I put it on my head behind my ear. They would last for over a week. So I'd head out, rose adorning my head, and wouldn't attract any attention at all. My other favorite story is wearing a baseball cap that came attached with a long blonde ponytail. I'm cruising along the highway and this car comes racing up next to me with 4 teenage boys. They get even with me and the kid in the passenger seat has a look of total terror on his face and I can read his lips as he says to the other kids "Shit, she's OLD". I about wet my pants laughing!!  If they hadn't sped off it would have been fun to take the hat off and show them that I'm not just old, I'm BALD!!

    Janzin, I'll PM you. For now, though, I think you're too hard on yourself. Maybe now isn't the time to stop--maybe you're in the getting ready stage. There's nothing wrong with that.

    To all, I wish you a good week. May your treatments go well and your urges to smoke be few. I include all of you in my prayers for the support you give me just by sharing on these boards.

    All the best---Jill

  • candie1971
    candie1971 Member Posts: 2,467
    edited February 2009

    Congrats to all of you who haven't had a cig.

    Congrats to all of you who keep startin over.

    Shame on me for knowing I should quit...I try it for a day and then go back. I am so tired of failing. I have got to quit!! ok, I am gonna go have one now on my break and that's it!!!

    I just became a grandma yesterday! A lil girl...oh how beautiful...Marley Rose, 5 lbs 2 oz.

    I have to quit for her...so I am around for her....I want to know her, love her, babysit,go fun places, do fun things, watch her grow. I sure hope God allows me to.

    I will be back tomorrow. I am gonna come here everyday from now on...maybe all your positive vibes will help me...thanks.

    Hugs and prayers

  • NervousKnitter
    NervousKnitter Member Posts: 46
    edited February 2009

    Welcome, candie! We're happy to have you!  Just think, if you're checking in here perhaps you'll miss out on one cig. And that counts!!  This is THE place to be if you are thinking of quitting, trying to quit, or trying to remain a quitter. Congrats on being a grandma!! Keep us posted!

  • REKoz
    REKoz Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Fabulous story Nervous! Reminds me of a driving situation I had a few months back. This youngish bejeweled, slick haired guy (there are lots of them here on LI!) in a loud black sports car dangerously cut me off on my way to work. I usually ignore morons but happened to be in a raggy mood. So when I pulled up next to him, I shouted that almost running me off the road didn't get him any furthur cuz here I am and that he is going to kill someone driving that way. Well, he took off on me with every four letter word and then called me an "old lady" who deserves to be in the ground!! I actually did not think it was funny! It was the first time I had been called that! I just turned 53 and though I'm no 20 year old, I had not pictured myself appearing as an "old lady.!" Jeeze, how did I get here so fast? Anyway, if by chance I ever run into a similar situation, I think I will rip off my wig and freak them out totally!

    Now, as per smoking. I saw the PS today and did get those valium! Also in just decending into my bad chemo days. I've only had 2 and neither has tasted very good. I am resisting the urges until I feel like screaming. Guess that's the valium time? It does make me very tired so I am going to have to figure out when and how to incorporate this into my stop smoking plan. I'm getting there ladies, I can feel it coming.

    Congrats to all who have put them down successfully. I hope to follow in your footsteps real soon.

    Oh, the PS changed his mind about waiting till chemo is over to start filling me (recall I had a bad infection and scar revision). He's going to go REAL slow, just put in 30ccs. I'll wait 2 weeks and if all goes well, he'll do it that way weekly. I am thrilled!  I will have a chest when the summer months come around! YAY. Now, I will be thrilled beyond if I have kicked that smoking demon as well.

    Ellen

  • malleme
    malleme Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Janzin Don't worry, Congrads on not smoking for the hours you did make.

     I was on auto pilot today and oops picked up a cig and walked around with it in my hand.  My kids were off today and kept saying mom I thought you were quitting today.  I kept saying I am. but my son finally said let it go. then I carried around my lighter and kept it in my pocket.  Weird, So I did slip up today 3 times and I admit, I smoked out of habit not urge.

    I checked the chantix site because I suddenly panic and it says.  slip up's are normal in the 2nd week just keep with the program and gradually they become less. But do not focus on any slip up's or relapses just keep taking chantix .  week 9 thru 12 is actually when psy and habit is gone.

    I did write down when I smoked today it's the phone, so I put an email out to my 8 sisters and friends to not call me this week.  3 already called since my email go figure. Asking how can they help....

    To the chemo party ----Hey you must have great friends to threw a chemo party sounds like such fun and support you have. 

    I wish you all a comfortable sleep tonight has my expanders are still annoying me.

    Congrads to those of you who made it thru quitting for today. I'll just keep trying one hour at a time. 

     But I do believe chantix will eventually help me forget to pick up a cig. (my husband smokes and works from home) althought he is great about hiding them, I know they are in the house. 

    this week I get my 1st fill and meet the onocologist so I am just trying to lay low and stay calm.

    Oops sorry so long. a message.

    Best to All, sleep well and comfortable

  • malleme
    malleme Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    congrad Candle on being a grandmother.  hang in there you will quit.

  • malleme
    malleme Member Posts: 164
    edited February 2009

    Jancie

    hang in there, we can't be strong everyday. Church is hard.   Your deserve pity party.  My sister went thru bc one year ago and she put on the I am the strongest woman in the world attitude. Since I have been diagnosised she has fallen apart.  Point being better deal with reality than pretend. Start whipping out those wigs.  Strike a pose and strut your stuff.

    She has told me pretty much bc is a constant mind game.  But I have to admit, I have been asked to go to lunch, shopping anything and I have only gone to the Dr offices in a month.  I am afraid of the looks from others. I am not comfortable with myself.  so I really feel for you.   On Wed is my son's last track meet, he so wants me to come.   I pray I just start getting back my old spunk and saying here I am take me as I am attitude.

  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 403
    edited February 2009

    Malleme - I talked to my husband in length tonight about how I felt about going to church yesterday and how ackward it was and that the only way I knew how to "own it" so to speak was to find some humor and just don my red wig with my purple hat and say "this is me for the time being".  He looked at me with concern because it is a very conservative church (actually a Kingdom Hall, my husband is a Jehovah Witness - I am not baptized) and the ladies always wear skirts or dresses and the men wear suits.  I told him that I am considering the fact it is a conservative atmosphere and that it wasn't as though I was going to show up with rainbow colored hair and that I could do this "with class" but also have to do this with dignity.

    Like your sister I always thought I was strong, I could handle anything and I am a total alpha personality but I have been humbled greatly by this experience.  No, I was never prideful but what I mean is that I never asked for help, I was always one to do it myself.  I am now asking for help, asking my husband to drive me to doctor's appts, to go in and meet with the doctors, etc.  I have grown from this experience, I am not superwoman and it is ok!

    It is so hard getting out at first and I am so glad that you understand.  I think what we can do is help encourage one another to take those baby steps.  Like you I don't want to go anywhere but to the horse barn and to my doctor's appointments.  I don't want to go to the grocery store, shopping of any kind, to the bank, etc. and I find excuses to not go.  I love my wigs and how great they look on me but I constantly question "will they know it is a wig?" so then I thought if I put a hat over the wig then there is no way for them to figure it out so that is going to be my first baby step, a wig with a hat on top of it. 

    Eventually you and I will be strutting the town with nothing but a baseball cap - I am sure of this but I also know it is going to take awhile to get there!  I admire those that "embrace their baldness" but I don't think I could ever do that.  I would rather run around topless than go out in public with no hair on my head.

    If your son wants you to go to that track meet then he is saying "it is ok mom and you won't embarass me - it is more important that you be there than what you look like" - that is one heck of a son you have there!  He is proud of you and wants you there.  Maybe that will be your baby step and your "coming out" party!  I think once we both get the first step over with then it will get easier from there and yes, we will become comfortable in our new bodies.  I am just not there yet (****Jancie hides under a chair ****)  Laughing