MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish
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Well the area of Texas that I live in back in the day no one carded you anyhow so you did not need a fake ID. As they use to say if you could reach the bar and pay for your beer that was all that mattered. Things were so different back then. Also my best friends aunt owned a liquor store and she would let us go in and pick what we wanted and we would leave the money on the table in the back room and then she would bring us our bottles to the car (in a brown paper bag). Like that made it legal or something??? Sometimes I wonder how we survived, and I don't tell my kids any of these stories. Actually they are grown now so some of it is slipping out.
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cindyjane, each person works thru' it in their own way, so I can't say there is a normal time period for us to feel like our old selves or feel good with our new selves. Like my original post said, this age group tends to be sandwiched in with a lot going on. B/C sort of forces you to take a pause in your life and you can't help but reflect and evaluate the point you are at. Some of us look around for the first time and think, "How did I wind up here?" and it can be disorienting. All I can say is this group of women is familiar with what you are feeling and you are not alone. Btw, I am feeling much better in my second year out than in my first year.
Oooops, forgot to say, welcome!
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Cindy, I am a year and 3 months out and I am not my 'old' self but I am getting there or I am getting close to my new normal. Welcome.
{{LYNNIE}}
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Even if we didn't have bc, the year would have made us different somehow. It's just that bc is such a BIG event that we notice it more than the little things. I became a grandma 3 times in the past year. That probably changed me more than bc, but because it's a good thing, I don't begrudge it.
Change is inevitable, growth is optional.
I used to love that quote and now I know why. It kind of matches something else I like, along the lines of "it's not what happens to you that matters, it's whether you get up and keep going that counts". That is a loose paraphrase as I've heard it many different ways.
We will be different a year from now anyway.
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incredibly perfect barbe1958 and thank you all for succinctly putting into writing how I've been feeling. I am different from interacting with all of you, the doctors, the staff, the caring strangers and of course the idots along the way too! I'm not as angry as I used to be, don't get me wrong, I'm still driven and passionate but things don't seem to push my buttons like they used to.
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Barb1958 I love that quote Change is inevitable, growth is optional. I heard it several years ago and it has stuck with me.
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Cindy welcome, we will not be the same so you are not alone. It is just going take time dealing throug all the emotions. It can cause bouts of depression so take to you MO on how your feeling. Barbe love that quote it fit this whole journey in those few words. Gona put it on my computer.
{{lynniea}}
I have started to drink green tea with pomegranate lately and trying to exercise more it seems to help the bouts of melancholy that I feel. I have asked my PCP and doesn't think it will interfere with my meds.0 -
Lynnlea, good luck tomorrow, I will thinking of you!!
Cindy, Welcome to our little group!! I am a year out too and sometimes I think I am going thru the hardest time emotionally RIGHT NOW. The last year was just a whirl and numbing. Now I have to figure out how to move on, still not physically back to my old self, don't think my brain EVER will be the same--every day is another step towards healing. Its just not as quick as I hoped it would be. Coming here and reading that you are not alone and that other women are going thru the same issues--helps immensely. (((HUGS)))
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got my echo results yesterday ... all good! my ejection faction was 60-65%. the nurse told me that anything above 50% was good. i researched it and everything i read said the same thing. whew! now if that onco would just get back, i'll be a happy girl. there's a small chance it will be back tomorrow, but probably not until monday. ah, the agonies of waiting. i just want to get on with it.
anyone else having problems with the family not being all that supportive? my adult children, especially my daughter (who's pregnant), act as if there's nothing wrong with me and that i should just keep on the same way i was before dx. i have friends and a wonderful, supportive sister who lives here, but my kids are beginning to hurt me. anyone else?
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yaya I have three boys and they are just your typical man and did not really want to hear much about my BC, except that I found them talking to their Dad about it more than talking to me about it. Guess it is a man to man thing, or there was just something a little uncomfortable talking to me about my breast. My DIL's on the other hand have been very good about calling and keeping up with things. Even though my boys are uncomfortable talking to me about all it I have emailed them with all results and progress along the way and they will email back little comments. I don't have any of my children living close around. DH has been very supportive as well as other family that live close by and friends that helped me out when I needed it. I hope your kids come around because you really do need your family now, but sometimes I think they just get scared and don't know how to deal with it all, so sometimes they just ignore like that is going to make it do away.
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YaYa...When I was DX my older one was 27 & the younger daughter was 24.
I really believe its not that they don't care they are so worried and dont want to talk about it.
I know from experience she picked me up from chemo and i told her that was a great emotional help.
Younger one being a social worker and just graduated took thinks better than her older sister.
i didn't talk about my BC except every 3 months when I had my blood work I updated them.
If you notice some people and friends they think if they don't talk about it that it will never happen to them.
Good Luck and (((HUGS)))
Sheila
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As usual, a little late on a subject, but feel the need to say something. RE: hair........My sister took me on a long weekend to Biltmore to get me out of the house and cheer me up (I was still in chemo). We had a great first day. The next morning I woke up looked in the very well lit mirror and magnifying mirror and to my horror found that I had a face full of white hair. I flipped out grabbed her razor and shaved my entire face, except the two hairs I had around my eyebrows.
YaYa - great to hear that your scans are coming back with good news....
mjb - so glad to hear that your problem was easily remedied.
Barb - you always come up with good quotes, sayings or just something funny.
Cindyjane - BC changes us in so many ways, emotionally and for some physcially. We all have to heal in our own time. I felt "different" when I returned to work my first round with chemo in 09. I can remember sitting at my desk feeling so out of place and awkward. Not that anyone at the office did anything, it was me. Months.............later I can remember thinking to myself that things were feeling "normal" again. Some things in your life will slowly go back to the way they were, other things will probably be different. To answer your question, yes - it does get better.
YaYa - my youngest DD has a terrible attitude when it comes to my cancer. There are times I just want to scream at her "do you know my time is limited"? She is 19, almost 20, in college away from home and is capable of taking care of herself. However, while home for the summer she will come home looking for a cooked meal every night like it was before BC. And....when the meal isn't there or I'm tired and don't have the energy to sit up late and talk with her, she can be really mean. As mad as it makes me, I think she is that way because she is scared out of her mind. She recently stayed with me on a short hospital stay and knew what I needed without me saying a word. What I'm getting at is that I think sometimes our children no matter how old act out against our cancer in different ways and while it hurts us, we have to remember that they are in pain too. Good luck with your children, I know it's painful and causes many tears, but they do love you or they wouldn't be acting out. (((hugs))) Jenn
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YaYa5, I have not had that problem with my DH and kids, but I was hospitilized immediately after dx and bedridden for 5 months after - so I "showed" as sick.
On top of looking and feeling "healthy" (I'm assuming you do?) you also have the problem of denial. I think part of the problem with your kids is if they recognize this as serious, they have to face your mortality (wow, getting a lot of use out of this word lately).
Especially your pregnant daughter. My daughter wanted to know if she needed to get knocked up and married in the next couple of months because these are experiences she wants to go through with me. She was only partially joking, I know, because I feel the same way.
I told her in no uncertain terms NO.
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jenn3, I think you are probably right about your daughter. She does not want to acknowledge that you are different now, she wants you to do everything the same as before as part of her own denial. Poor thing, it's a defense mechanism because she is having a hard time dealing with it.
I've also read about where the kids pull away and don't want you to do anything for them, become ultra independent. Like they are rehearsing for the day you will no longer be there. You are right about family members being in pain too.
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My parents are both gone, my Dad having died of lung cancer just 3 years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't want to upset everyone, so I really down played my situation. To my kids too!!! Everyone took it all in stride and took their signals off me. I think I should have played my hand a little harder and gotten some compassion....sigh. To eveyone else, it's over.
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There is only one acknowledgement I can think of that my kids make regarding my B/C now. I they drive me in their cars somewhere, I say, "Put the air on." First they say, "It's not that hot with the windows down." Then I remind them that the Tamox. makes me uncomfortable in the heat and they reluctantly switch the air on. <<Winning?>>
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oh, thank you so much, everyone!! it's good to know i'm not alone in that part of this journey either. my daughter's pregnancy is effecting her, i'm sure, but come on. this is her second child and she makes a point about how hard it is for her and even said once, 'you picked a great time to get cancer' because i might not be able to help her when she has the baby. she might be scared about the cancer, but she could at least display a little compassion/respect. ugh. maybe i'm just expecting too much.
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My daughter is 24 and an ICU nurse and she just plain doesn't want to talk about it because I know it scares her to death. She sees so many children dying of cancer and knows how difficult it can be. My teenage boys, I think, are just embarassed to talk about it with me plus they're afraid too. My almost 19 year old son is at that stage of pulling away and it's been difficult but I know that part of it is that he just doesn't want to think about the possibility of me being gone.
I must admit that the comment your daughter made about picking a great time to get cancer would bother me too but I guess it just shows how much even our young adult children still depend on us for support and they're afraid we won't be there for them.
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Hi ! Barb58 ! very sad to know about the views of your children on Cancer. You know my children have openly accepted me with BC. I got full support to fight with BC during the entire period of my treatment... they act as my backbone..that is why I could easily past 6 years till now without having any worry for my future. though I knew dead is inevitable for each and everyone .. so tell them not to worry and scared with Cancer.. as these days medical sciences are advance tremendously with invention of new medicins, new technic of treatment so & so... so we should be proud to be one under trial with the desease. No matter what we struggle .. I feel good to undergo these experiences in my life if I am not wrong.
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This is for all of you ! Have a good day !0
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mjb- hope the fluid does not return.
Three weeks post chemo and the facial hair has not returned. My brother used to call me Frito Bandito when he was feeling mean because I had a fuzzy upper lip until I started waxing.
I had my sim for rads today will start treatment on Monday.
YaYa- Wonderful about all your scans coming out clear. I have 2 daughters and they reacted very differently. My oldest (32) waited with my husbad through surgery went to several Docotrs appointments with me when her schedule allowed. She calls almost everyday to check on me. The youngewr one (27) calls when she needs something and doesn't ask how I am but, I think she is happy when I tell her how things anyway. I know it hurts when the ones you expect support from don't show it. My DH really tries to be there for me but he just never seems to know what I need and I guess I expect him to be able to read my mind after all these years.
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YAYA Im sorry that this is gong on. I sometimes think people are scared and dont know what to say or do. My son wouldnt talk much to me about it. The day of my surgry he didnt want to go. He did give me a hug that will last a life time. He stayed at a freinds house while I was in the hospital. She did tell me you could see he was scared for me. When I came home they all rallid around me with so much love. Yaya, I think this is something that will have to take time!
mbj I hope it all works out for youl
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I'm probably 7 or 8 pages back at this point and wish I could say I'd read back, but I know me ... I won't. Caught on the subject at hand ... I was so lucky that hub (jsut the two of us at home) did a 360 during tx and was wonderful. Our girls reacted in diff ways (26 and 27, both on their own), the one that got me was my sister. She sucked at support! We're very close and whenever I'd try to share my fears with her - the only one I'd do that with - she'd give me about 10 seconds and then ask "Are you always going to do this?" So I stopped totally. Then she called me a few weeks later and admitted that she jsut couldn't bear the thought of losing me and that if she let me talk about it, it might be real, etc. etc. If a 56 yr old woman couldn't deal, how can we expect our young children to? On the other hand, maybe if we stopped treating it as "C A N C E R" and tried to act like it was "just" a heart attack, or maybe a disk surgery, or any of those other things that also have the potential to kill, but are treated in the mainstream as commonplace, people might react differently. I mean, you don't hear about someone "surviving" an angioplasty. Why not?
Sorry, didn't mean to go off, but that really is how I feel sometimes .. I wish the person who started the whole "cancer survivor" thing could tell me why they used that phrase! I j
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P.S. Please - to those who, like me at times, wear the survivor banner proudly, don't take offense at my prior post!!!
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Thank you all for the encouraging words.....I have days I've had it with numb fingers and toes and chemo brain which has me in a fog. Today, I joined a fitness club hoping that will help me in feeling better. I know I will enjoy this group and knowing I'm not alone with my feelings is helpful in my recovery. Thanks again and my God bless you in your time of need.
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Thank you all for the encouraging words.....I have days I've had it with numb fingers and toes and chemo brain which has me in a fog. Today, I joined a fitness club hoping that will help me in feeling better. I know I will enjoy this group and knowing I'm not alone with my feelings is helpful in my recovery. Thanks again and my God bless you in your time of need.
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I have two teenage sons. My 19 year old is like a brick wall "Mom, that's really too much info for me" ----and he wants to go in the medical profession. I love my son but he has the empathy of a rock(learned that from DH)---told him he might consider law school instead. My 15 year old is oblivious to the world--if it doesn't have a video game about it, he's not interested. He is great for giving hugs, he seems to know when I am at my worst and comes and gives me a very gentle hug. Two totally different kids.
Lynniea--how did your doctor visit go? Thinking of you!
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cmblastic, You have started my day off right...ROFL. Love how you directed #1 son to law school. And do you mean to tell me there isn't a video game about cancer yet? Well, that's an oversight and potential goldmine, dontcha think?0
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Okay a video game about cancer. The villains would be side effects, infections, etc. The heros surgery, chemo and rads, but how do we portray these ugly thing as heros?
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Okay Miiddies - Here is the weekend mystery pic. Thought I would get an early start as I may not be on here much tomorrow.
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