Great saying about depression
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Conversation with my dh yesterday:
husband: what's wrong with you?
me: I'm depressed
husband: why
me: I don't know but I am and I'm tired of feeling this way
husband: well, don't then.
....now you all know why I don't have deep and meaningful ''feelings' conversations with my DH. As great as he is, that man has never been depressed a day in his life. Though, if there is anything nasty or messy that needs to be dealt with, he passes it over to me "I'm better with that kind of stuff". Hmmmmmm...and I wonder why I need all of you!
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Thanks Hopeful and Kate - Nervous about the apt as I cried like crazy just going in the office last year. I think he will tell me to talk to my PS about that but now that I don't have one..... hmm? Why do they continue to make things difficult.
The site does give me a headache. I know I won't like all the ads when they get them in place. It is just more difficult which is frustrating.
Trying to finish all things with my ex BF and he continues to make things difficult. I understand he is hurt but he is just so nasty..... I did take the high road I'm proud to say. I sent him a note taking blame for everything and I mean everything.... most people would have seen though it but it just made his day. Wow. Anyway, he then writes me back and is just as ugly as can be... the two big ones were - I had given him some lovely gifts which I spent a long time choosing and one having it made especially for him. His responce was he was offended by all the gifts as he looked at it as a slam that I had my house and he had his. ????? I knew he never really appreciated them but I thought he just didn't know how to show it- who knew I was being awful? Then the last part was "I wish you well but not generously." The title of his email asking for his stuff back was "severence package" - do not begin to understand that one at all. Anyway, I forgot to give back one thing so tomorrow I'll leave that outside and that will be it. I'm thinking my Dr. apt. will be stressful so planning on comming home putting the bag outside for him and going to sleep for the afternoon.... ARG! Thanks for listening
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Debbie- I don't think someone who isn't depressed can understand what it feels like when you are and that it's not a mind over matter thing. My DH, God love him, tries to understand but then he's always been a glass 3/4 full kind of guy. I'm more- what glass? I didn't get any frickin' glass! Ah, I guess opposites really do attract. Then I don't think anyone gets how much cancer changes us even more unless they get cancer too. And even if someone gets cancer they aren't dealing with all the extra bonuses that comes with BC- body image, feminity, intimacy. Throw some recon issues in there, too, and it's a wonder we aren't more depressed. I think my DH is truly shocked at how long this whole process is taking me. But, hey, it is what it is. Just grateful I have all of you to talk to, too.
Stanzie- I know you were trying to find some closure with him but it sounds like it may not be possible. His statements are just mean spirited and meant to hurt. I find it so sad that someone who said once they loved someone can turn around a short time later and treat them that way. I realize it's probably hard for him to be dumped but no one has to act that way. I'm sorry. I'd say it should make you realize even more that you deserve better but I know how much it hurts. Just keep reminding yourself why you walked away. What he was offering was not enough and no where near what you should have in your life. (((hugs)))
I got my lovely compression sleeves today. (Unlike our flamboyant DiDel who went with purple I got beige though I'm calling it cappuccino.) Ouchie-wa-wa, these suckers are tight. A little too tight as my fingers started to turn purple so have to go back tomorrow and make sure fit is right. The good news is I got remeasured and my swelling has gone down because all my numbers were smaller.
We just had a lovely thunderstorm here. (And that was not said sarcastically as rain is such a novelty here!) Wish the rain could wash away all our troubles. (((hugs to all)))
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Stanzie: I think once you realize many of us here (and me included) get nervous at the thought of visiting any Dr and that it is perfectly normal to feel this way, maybe in some way it will make you a wee bit more at ease. I love my GP but going to see her always makes me anxious, and we are not even talking about BC stuff. But unfortunately, I think all the medical stuff I have going on now - depression, lack of sex drive, slipped disc, sciatic, migraines are all a chain reaction from the BC and reconstruction, especially with the LD flap and being on Femara.
As far as your ex, sounds to me like even all this crap he is dishing up is worth it to you to have him out of your life. Maybe if you visualize him as being toxic, or a big cancer cell, then you can see he is attacking you for hurting him, he is mad at you because you are good and loving. My heart is with you.
Kate: thanks for your words. Yes, I have married my opposite in so many ways. He is the life of the social set whereas I would rather sit on my porch with a good friend over a cup of coffee and really have a good talk. Jerry (my DH) leaves the house every morning before 6am (and he's retired), goes up to the aquatic center, socializes, swims, socializes. Then he goes to our surf club and socializes. Mind you, he can sit for hours and yack away. Then the moment he walks into the house he turns the tv on in the living room and it's on for the rest of the day. No wonder I escape to the garden or my studio. I admit, sometimes while working on glass I like the radio on, but silence is fine also. Maybe it all has to do with only having hearing in one ear, I get sensory overload (that's what my kind GP says). My BFF Jaki (my border collie) gets me perfectly. Good you got your compression sleeves today. Hope they help. And rain too - a double bonus.
I too wish rain or the sun breaking through the clouds could make us feel better. And you are so right: no one but us knows the lasting negative impact breast cancer has upon each of us.
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Debbie- I think women can enjoy silence because we have our thoughts to keep us company. Men on the other hand.......
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Oh Kate, so true!
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hi gals, im just here to say "hello.. and keep on keeping on.
i also, hate the new format.. you're right about the headaches,Kate.. how is the le doing???3jays
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Stanzie--Congratulations on removing that ugliness from your life. I know splitting up is painful, but he overstepped the law of decency. You deserve better!! Hold your head up high, you are the better person. Good luck with the doc today--we will all be there in spirit with you and holding your hand.
Debbie--is your DH related to my DH? He tolerates my depression. Barely. I think our men must come from the Tom Cruise mold that thinks depression is nonexistent. He can't understand why I just can't "be Happy" Awwww, to find life that easy!
Kate-Hope they fix up those sleeves for you--can't imagine that purple fingers is the solution to LE. Although they would match Diane's sleeves. . . . We've had rain storms the last few days too. For me it is a cleansing, washing all the dirt off the cars, greening of the lawn, washing all the pollen off of everything. Sometimes, I wish I could just stand out in the storm and let it wash over me and get rid of all the nasties. It would be great, wouldn't it? A little bit more positive than sitting on the shower floor and crying.
3jays--hope you are feeling well and getting your house back to normal. Have a great day!
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Depression isn't "being sad"!!!! They just don't get it, do they? Depression is knowing life is over, there is nothing better coming and we might as well all lie down and die! I HATE depression being linked with happy/sad....sigh.
Kate, I didn't get a glass either!! Maybe that's our problem! ehehehehehhe
When I was offered a sleeve (declined it) I said wouldn't I need the gauntlet too (the part that goes over the fingers) or wouldn't the sleeve push all the lymph to my hand? The PT admitted it would, but didn't want to bring that up.... Kate, I'm worried for your hand now!!! I have truncal LE and don't wear compression as I'm afraid that would force the lymph into my arms and over-burden THAT system. It's like having to pick the lesser of two evils...hey!! Kind of like LIFE!!!!
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Stanzie (separate post to acknowledge the seriousness of this), sweetie, I have to tell you that the harder he hurts you, it only validates how much he loved you!!! There is a VERY fine line between love and hate (apparently your physical body reacts the same) and the fact that he needs to hurt you only shows how much he cared. When I left my first DH I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing he did hurt me and I knew I had made the right decision! He fought like a tiger, but it was too little, too late. I was the one always having to 'carry' the relationship and I grew tired. He realized how much he loved me too late. Sorry, sucker!! I never looked back.
So, it's not how much he hates you by his actions, but he's validating his love (though misdirected)!!!
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Barb! Thanks. You know I was thinking along those same lines but then I thought no... so thanks glad to know my thoughts probably weren't so far off.
Thanks to all of you - really helps!!! Hard right now as I'm also having huge battles with my daughter - she will be 14 next week! Thanks again. off to get ready!
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3jays- LE seems to have gotten under control. LE PT remeasured me and my swelling is down everywhere and haven't had pain in a week! I do think the sleeves aren't right, though. I'm going to call today and talk to the fitter.
cmbear- You made me laugh with the comment about my hands matching Diane's sleeves!
Stanzie- Sorry, but I don't get- "But I love you so much that I have to be cruel to you" even though I know a lot of people act like that during break ups and divorces. But barbe is right- it's a fine line between love and hate. I don't think you should look at his behavior right now so much but remind yourself how he was when you were going through treatment. Not someone you want by your side during your most vulnerable times as I'm not sure he'd be a "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" kind of guy and that is what you deserve. I know you have a lot of love to give and it should be given to someone who truly deserves it. Hope you're appointment goes well and I symphathize with the teenage angst thing. It can be exhausting.
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Depression is a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. It zaps all your energy so even if you could think of something that might help, you don't have the wherewithal to do anything about it. For me, its so much worse at night. I keep reminding myself that things will look better in the morning (or at least not as bad!). For those of us suffering with depression, it is a struggle everyday.
Stanzie ... you certainly don't need someone dragging you down. You need someone one, loving and supportive.
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Claire: yes, our HD's must be related.
And Barbe: you are right: I guess I'm not so much depressed as sad, and that sadness surrounds me and gets me down. I know there is a tomorrow and there is a chance it will be better than today and if today is really a bad day then it will be better - it has to be.
I just wish I would once again, as I did before BC, wake up in the morning, see the blue sky and crisp white puffy clouds and feel the joy I used to. I used to even like waking up to the rain, as it enriched the gardens and freshened everything.
Now it's work to get myself up, and get the day started. I admit, as the day goes on, I can feel better, but not always. Activity helps, but with 2 bulging discs in my back and pain still from my LD scar, too much activity can spell pain.
Oh well, best get away from this computer and do something!
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i'm so sorry your ex is being such a jerk, Stanzie.. i don't care if love/hate is close or not.. my ex H was an ass after i filed for divorce, kept dragging me thru the dirt.. even sent child services on a bogus call.. they finally told him to stop calling them, or they would charge him for flase reports.. in the meantime, everytime they came, my kids got soooo scared!!
so, i say, your better off without him.. its hard as he** in the beg; but keep gping. i have a wonderful DH now...3jays
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Goodness! I hope no one thought that I meant that Stanzie should take her ex back!!! That wasn't my point at all. My point was to make note of the fact that his reaction is out of love, not hate.
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Barb - No I knew exactly what you meant and had thought the same as well. I think a lot of the mean awful things he has said are because he is hurt. Finally returned the last items, left them in a bag in my front door. Waited till I was sure the time frame was over and went to check - Arg - he is stitting on the bench on the front entrance just talking on the phone. He didn't know I ever saw him but gave me a fright as I didn't want to encounter him, thank goodness my puppy didn't bark. So done.
Went to book club and a woman talked about her Mom getting ready to move to an assisted living place as she has been living with her daughter for the last 12 years and she said it is time. She said she was so proud of her Mom for taking the move so well. She said she is excited and she is looking at it as a "New Beginning". So get this..... she just turned 105! So if she can still have New Beginnings then I should be able to as well. Thanks again all!
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Stanzie, here is to new beginnings!! That is so sweet about your friend. What a positive way to live life. I do genealogy and just found a 4Xgrandfather this week. He came to America in 1875 at the age of 85!!! Can't believe he left his homeland to travel to such a foreign land at that age. And to Iowa no less, frontier land!! I would love to think I inherited some of his courage. . .
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Debbie - I had LD also but you now have disc problems? That isn't right, can they fix that soon, I hope. Pain makes everything so much more difficult. It really makes the saying "Health is everything". I'm so sorry, I hope you feel better soon.
Claire- wow 85! that is something.... I do think as humans we are getting softer and more complacent about our lives. Our parents and grandparents were so much more adventurous and seemed to have more courage. I have to write a paper for a study group about the Civil Rights movement and the role Atlanta played in it. I want to talk to individuals on both sides to really get a feel of how the people felt back then but it is hard as my parents and grandparents are all gone now as are my close friends who grew up here so I've started asking and searching. I'm looking forward to talking with some people of my parents generation as I know one always learns so much from others especially those older.
Thanks to you all. 3-jays- how is your hand?
My apt with BS went all right. I got to have my say about why I was disappointed with my PS and the problems I have with it. He was sympathetic but didn't really make me feel better. I asked about MRI's for the implants integrity. He said he didn't do that and was surprised to hear some PS recommending it. According to him, he said it is very expensive 2600+ and most insurance doesn't cover it. If you are looking for just the implant integrity the way the MRI's for breasts are set up they can either look at implant integrity OR they can look for cancer cells. Nowaday he said the implants from the last 15 years they really don't have problems with leakage or deflation unless you are in some horrific trama such as car accident or something. However he said if there is something it appears as a nodule and it can be felt by a doctor or seen on a 200.00 ultrasound which insurance will cover. As for cancer cells in doing an MX he said they now go all the way back to the chest wall so there shouldn't be any chance of BC back there so they are looking for cells on the skin which are upclose. I understand different doc's do different things but this is what mine said and I do trust him. So thought I'd pass it along....
Thanks again to you all for such wonderful support!
Diane - how are you doing after your most horrible day?
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Stanzie- I loved your story about the woman at 105 being excited about new beginnings! Very inspirational!
Diane- WHERE ARE YOU? You're not posting on here or Facebook. It's only been a few days but SO not like you and I'm worried. I know you were having a bad day. I hope everything is o.k.!
I want to wish everyone a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. I hope you get to spend it with your mom, your kids or just someone who makes you feel special! Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my Mom, two DS, BIL and neice. Then the next day we all get together for our annual "Clean Mom's Windows" event. This year I get a pass from the actual cleaning because of my LE. (Sweet!) (I hate cleaning windows. Can you tell?) So I'm in charge of grocery shopping for the next day. Sat. night we go to my DS's for a cookout and then back to my Mom's for Mother's Day. It should be such a great weekend. Hope everyone else has one, too!
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sounds like you have a busy weekend planned, kate.. remember to hydrate, and don't over do. glaad someone else is cleaning the windows for you!
i hadn't heard from any of the 3 jays ( but one isn't talking now) he resents i'm sick all the time.. the oldest called to make palns, but never called back to tell me if we do have them.. but, the 3rd J ( the one who really has a hard time living life on lifes' terms, is spending the night with us sat, and spending breakfast for mothers day.. he was doing drugs the whole time i was in tx: but he was the only J to call and ck on me.. now, he's clean, and in a 1/2 way house, and still thinks of his mom.. wether she's sick all the time, or not..
i'm so grateful I have him still in y life.. their childhood was hard, divorce was not pretty.but, really? it's mothers day, for cripes sake..
but, im practicing being grateful for what i actually have, and not spending wasted time on what i don't.. its only kinda working, as you can see..
we'll take the grands out to burger king next week. they love the "bouce house" that'll be my mothers day with them, so its' all good.... both my sister, and my mom have passed on in the last few yrs.. so, its' just me now. i told my DH. Murray, to go to his parents. like he does every week, on sunday. he should see HIS mom.. i know, hell or high water wouldn't keep me, if i had the chance to see mine.
i'm renting the new werewolf/vampire movie from underworld.. thats just perfect, for me..
i hope all you mothers, daughters, etc have a wonderful day!!!!3jays
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thanks for the sentiment 3jays. Its is always a crapshoot wether the son used to be sons remember Mother's day. They never forgot Dad but unless he reminded them they tended to overlook Mom's day. I'll see if my remaining son remembers this Sunday. He is across country in your neck of the woods.
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I know even if my Max (son) doesn't remember tomorrow is Mother's Day we just talked on the phone and he always finishes with a 'I love you Mum" and that warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. He never opens his regular email so I send him notes via facebook and again, he always ends his messages with a 'love you Mum" Right now he is under a ton of pressure in university and saddled with a sore throat and a drippy nose and stuffy head so I wish I could mother him. I would rather have him be this way than show up once a year with flowers from the garage and a last minute card, give me a kiss and not talk again for months.
3jays: I am sure you were and are a terrific parent. Our kids are individuals and will turn out as they do, with or without our influence. Sadly, addictions, drugs, alcohol, divorces, sadness, depression are just now so mainstream in life. I say accept it's there, then deal with it.
Happy Mother's day to all of us tomorrow, even those of us who are mothers to our dogs and cats. I know no one has told my dog shs's not human!
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Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I am still down and stressed trying to figure a way out. The other day on my way to dinner (in DE about 60 miles away) my car broke down. I waited on the side of 95 for and hour and a half for a tow...crying the whole time of course. 2 days and $800 later I got my car back but was sad I missed celebrating his actual birthday since it was a big one.
I have a lot to catch up on but have so much yard work and cleaning to do. Having everyone over my house tomorrow for Mothers Day and my nephews bday.
I will be back on tomorrow night and catch up after everyone has gone. Hope you all have a good Mothers Day and enjoy the weekend.
I love you ladies...couldnt get through the shit without each and everyone of ya!
Diane
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Oh Diane!!! It just RAINS doesn't it??? I would have been crying too, what a frustrating issue!!
3jays, my daughter resents me being ill too. I was flabergasted! It's not like I saw her all the time or anything, so what does it matter to HER????
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Oh 3-jays- I'm so sorry .... glad your one son will be there with you! I know holidays are wonderful when all the family members are happy to participate but it makes it hard and very difficult when families pasts and issues come up and things are Hallmark perfect. I've always had a hard time with Holidays and such probably cause as a child my Mom made them so special - probably in some ways too special as nothing will ever come close so as I got older it got harder. I'm pretty well down to no expectations what so ever and that seems to be working...
Diane- I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been and frightening also. Being on the side of the road is awfully scary. I'm glad you are all right but gosh what a terrible terrible time. I wish you lots of strenght and know we are all thinking of you! ((HUGS))
Kate, makes me happy to hear about your Mother's Day! And I'm just thrilled you will not be part of the window washing brigade!
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Whoops I hit submit too quickly. Wanted to say to Barb and 3-jays - to me I think the kid's anger at your illness is probably more fear. I'm sure the anger is also there as in why my Mom? But I know I find I react in anger sometimes because I'm so scared of what is happening or what someone is telling me. When my son with Ds was young that happened a lot as it was just such a time of the unknown and sometimes doctors were so pesimistic and made you feel like you had to do something or it would be lost and it just made you so afraid you were going to further hurt your child cause you didn't know all the things you should be doing at any given moment. This may not make sense but just trying to say it may anger in love.... Of course the not calling, not planning and such.... well that isn't very nice...
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My daughter actually called this week and invited my DH and I over for dinner today. A big surprise!!! We usually have to nose our way in to event. I asked what I could bring and was told nothing. My birthday is on the 16th, so is always close to Mother's Day. The kids have always rolled it into one. So this will be interesting..... I did buy small Mothers Day gifts for my DD and DIL who will be there.
My DD HAD to call us a week ago to help her as her sitter was sick and she had already missed a day of work. We were THRILLED to go babysit, and she kept thanking us profusely, but I said, this is what I've been waiting 18 months for...to be needed!!!
Diane, how are you feeling, sweetie??? I hope you can consider that rock bottom and now you can begin to lift yourself up again. Hugs and love to you...
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Happy Mother's Day to everyone! Oh Barb, that is just wonderful - all of it, the invitation, the babysitting and being needed and your thoughfulness for your daughters!
All of my kids including the big furry one let me sleep in this morning! And a lovely rainy morning it was.... sigh.
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