Great saying about depression
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OOoohhh, I like that!!! ....set into motion!! That's what I do!! I set textures and colour into motion!! Years ago (10+) I wrote this:
My world is viewed in geometrics, Toned by colour and texture. There are no rules except harmony, Through which comes balance.
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Where's the like button?
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Barbe I like that!! We are all seeking harmony which brings peace which helps us love more completely ourselves and others.
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Delilah just popping in to say how sorry I am about your mom, how frightening. I can only imagine how shaken up she was/is. I am glad she didnt get seriously hurt in the incident.
Hope today is a good day for everyone...thinking of you all!
Diane
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Delilah- So sorry about what happened to your mom. These things just infuriate me. You just have to wonder how that punk ass would feel if someone were to do that to his mom. I mean seriously- how do these people live with themselves? Hope your mom is doing ok. Sounds like she really kept her wits about her.
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Delilah - sorry about your Mom.
Kate: I think jerks who think it's ok to rob little old ladies (and outside a funeral home?) would also steal from their own grandmothers or mother. No respect. No sense of right and wrong. With all the violent video games and movies out today, I am afraid some of the younger people just think it's all a game and don't take seriously the wrong of what they are doing. And, since the punishment for such a crime is minimal, there is nothing to keep such people from re-offending - no lesson learned.
Barbe - on a happier note I love your saying> That is what I am going to strive for harmony and balance.
It's still winter and cold here. Wish I could send some of my weather to Kate! If the wind isn't blowing it's 70 out in the sun in the middle of the day but our house is cold as it wasn't built for cool weather. Only the roof is insulated and all the french doors leak in cold air and I don't have central heating. The person who built this house put the fireplace in the dining room, which is one the opposite side of the house to the living room. Luckily we can close the doors into the living room and I have an oil heater there plugged in to take the chill off the room at night but when I go into other parts of the house I have to add another sweater. At least I like my hot flashes I get from the Femara as they make me toasty all over!
Funny thing too. Any of you ladies with double implants like me: my breasts feel so cold to touch as I don't think the silicone warms to body temperature and now I have to wear a wool tank top under my clothes!
Hope all of you are recovering from your falls....stay safe.
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Rise and shine ladies!! Happy Monday!! Took my son back to band camp this morning, my husband left again for Huntsville for a week and now I am finally sitting back with my morning coffee. I got NO sleep last night. We had our annual wine tasting party at my in-laws last night, which was incredibly fun. I TRIED not to drink too much but I had to taste each of the wines. . . and I have learned that you don't FILL the glass. . .
Ok, it may have been that last shot of cognac. . .
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Thanks to everyone for thoughts of my Mother. Fortunately she is a feisty little old lady and I also mistyped her age. She is 88 instead of 86. The good news is that the "punk ass" as Kate said is in jail without bail. He had quite a string of priors and since he attacked a person over the age of 65 he got a special charge for that. Guess in FL they take that seriously. He robbed her and took her gold piece to a pawn shop a few miles away and when police apprehended him 1 hour after attacking my Mother, he said he was at work but was in front of - wait for it - the state probation office! Who in their right mind robs an elderly lady and pawns the goods on the way to the probation office to check in with their parole officer - seriously messed up!!. Of course the article was in the paper and people at work started snickering about "Elderly lady robbed on way to funeral" headline. I put a stop to that with everyone's mouth dropping open when I said that was my Mom. Seriously how would they feel if had been their Mom. Then find out that one of the guys I work with went to HS with the perp - said he was "wise-ass" in HS.
My mom has been very strong about this and the sad part is that while she got her $350 valued 1900 $5 gold piece back she had to pay to get it back. Would have served pawn broker right to have lost the money the punk got and just given her the piece back but FL laws aren't that friendly.
Anyhow she wasn't hurt and a punk (repeater) is off the streets for now.
On another note, my elbow is beginning to heal. I can use my arm much more but don't trust my hand to be steady enough to use it to hold anything and can't always get it to my mouth so continue to eat and do much left handed. Doc says up to 5 months before I have normal - or as close to normal as I can get - use out of it.
Looking forward to going to a family wedding this coming weekend and though I want to wear my stilettos in hot pink that match my dress, I believe I will wear dressy low heeled black or flat silver sandals. I am not falling again, or at least I hope I won't. Then after this wedding - 500 miles away - we have another wedding in Delaware the next weekend so will be taking my mom and adventuring on the auto train to DC then will drive to DE from there. Hopefully the adventures will keep my mind off of the elbow.
Hugs to everyone and hope everyone who has had mishaps are healing.
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Delilabear, So glad your Mom is ok and it really is a shame she had to pay to get something of her own back that was stolen, but she got it! And they got the jerk that did it. Years ago I was robbed while I was wearing my Mom's birthstone ring and I sure would of paid to get it back - it was the only thing I had of hers from when she died when I was 10.
As to your shoe situation, go with the flat silver sandals, as you sure don't need to fall off even low heels. Have a wonderful time at the weddings.
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Claire you're supposrd to sip cognac mot shoot it...lol..glad you had such a fun evening!!!
Delilah..so glad they caught the guy. I find no humor in elderly people getting mugged. I remember last summer the awful mugging of an old woman in nyc where the guy punched the woman repeatedly in the face and stole her purse. I dont understand what kind of person would target a weaker individual for a couple bucks. Its despicable! Also...what's that city in between DC and DE...oh yeah BALTIMORE! If you need a pit stop I'd love to share some wine or be your tourguide ...PM me if you are interested in meeting up. I hope these next five months fly by for you. I agree with Debbie...small heals or flats!
Debbie i keep forgetting its winter time for you. I long for 70 degree weather!
Hope everyone is well. KATHLEEN are you out there?? Feeling ok??
Good night ladies...
Stanzie...an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I hope you have an amazing day...you deserve it! !
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Delilahbear, why didn't they get the money off the punk and buy back your Mom's gold piece? If it had still been on him, the cops would have given it back....
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Stanzie- Hope you're having a wonderful birthday!!! May all your wishes come true!
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When IS Stanzie's birthday???
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Hey there ladies ... I can't remember if I've ever posted to this section before, but here I am. I faced my 1st ever terrifying anxiety attack while driving alone from Cincinnati to Milwaukee last Friday. I was sure that death was right around the corner & afraid to pull over & dial 911 for fear that I'd end up in some small hospital in the middle of no-where. Needless to say, I survived the trip, was exhausted and now here I sit so depressed I can barely function.
I was strong through the entire diagnostic & surgical process & I received an extremely positive prognosis, but I just can't shake these blues. I had my 1st day back to work yesterday (Monday) and barely survived the day. Had a sleepless night last night due to TE fill up pain and terrible nightmares so I called in sick to work. Right now I don't know if I can function in the office - heck, I can barely get the energy to shower.
My question to you gals is have any of you experienced this severe case of depression? Did it limit your ability to go back to work?
I've got a call into my oncologist and he's working on a referral to a therapist and a change to anti-depression meds. In the meantime I just don't think I can cope with the added stress of going to work each day - yet I feel guilty and like such a 'wimp'.
I'm so scared ... when will I feel human again?
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barbe- Stanzie's birthday is today.
my3sunz- A lot of us find we don't start processing all the emotions until after treatment is done. I found my depression hit the hardest about 2 months after exchange. Since you're still dealing with TE's especially I would say your feelings are very normal. Also, the American Cancer Society says it takes an average of at least 2 years for cancer patients to feel as though life as returned to normal (or our new normal). I think it can take longer with BC patients because we have such a visual reminder every day.
There's no shame in being putting on some anti-depressants. You have been through a very traumatic event (some MX patients are dx with PTSD afterwards) and the anti-D's can definitely help. Just be aware, though, that it can take about 6-8 weeks for optimal effect. If the pain of the TE's is causing you distress I would ask your PS about prescribing some muscle relaxants as well. I took them during the expansion process and it helped so much. The one I was on was Flexeril and I would take it a few days before each fill until a day or so afterwards.
You will feel human again. It just can take a long time and no one really prepares us for that. But everything you're feeling is very normal and we're all here if you need someone to listen who has been there and understands.
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my3sunz42:
you poor thing. I think I can speak for most of us here - yes we have had anxiety attacks, deep depression, inability to work and total inability to function. And yes, you will feel human again, just differently. Many here have gone back to work, but advice starting back slowly and allowing for necessary days off to rejuvenate. You know, what you have and are going through is more than having your tonsils out!
When I was initially diagnosed with bc by my GP, I had to drive 20 minutes home, and I can only say thank heaven it was back country roads most of the way and it was a miracle I ended up in my carport in one piece. I was crying my eyes out. I drove myself to everything - I know crazy, but my some was just 16 and it would upset my husband and if he got upset I got upset.
I wasn't working before bc, but was ready to go back to my job as an RN in a ICU, but not now. I'll live with less money to just not have to deal with people. I live on 8 acres, just 6 minutes from town, and it is my haven of peace and security. You need to find a place in your home or garden to go to each day to rest and relax and recharge - somewhere peaceful and quiet.
Now it the time to take more care of yourself - as I have found if I'm not good, neither is my husband or son!
Cancer changed me - in some ways better, some ways people will say worse. I don't suffer fools or rudeness now, and you may experience people you thought friends making hurtful remarks. So be it. Clean your life out.
I see that you are ER+ so if you are taking something like Femara, which I take, it can make your feelings whacko too and make you very sensitive to your own feelings and what others say and do.
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My3sunz I am so sorry you are depressed. I too found myself most depressed after treatment. I think we get so busy running from appointment to appointment and prepping for surgery etc that we dont have time to think about it. Then in the quiet of the aftermath you look back and say what the hell just happened to me. That for me is what became so overwhelming. trying to get back to life but so scared and lonely. I work for myself so there were MANY days I could not get myself up and out. Almost a year after diagnosis I got a kitten and a puppy. They do not let me stay in bed all day. it was one of the reasons I got my puppy. I am single and live alone and just needed some life around me. My 22 year old cat died in the middle of chemo
Life is hard enough but dealing with a cancer diagnosis makes things 100000000000 times more difficult. I feel like we all have to process the grief of loss we have suffered and it just takes time. You cant rush through it. You are so early in your diagnosis ....give yourself a break. We all have ups and downs but hopefully in time more ups than downs.
hugs to you...come here anytime if you need to talk...dont think you have to go through this alone..we are all here for ya!
Diane
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My3sunz and everyone else:
I sure feel, 2 1/2 years from my initial diagnosis and 10 months since my last surgery, that the return to my mental stability which I really did have before BC, is taking a heck of a lot longer than the sense of physical normalcy. Yes, since I had chemo and then a double mastectomy with reconstruction using a lat flap on the radiation side, now my slight scoliosis is worse and I have to do stretching and strengthening pilates/yoga every day for at least 15 minutes to prevent me from being a hunchback and thanks to taking Femara, now I have 3 slipped discs in my lower back - or maybe it happened from taking my latissimus dorsi muscle away from my back - whatever. My point is, with all this physical stuff still going on with me, I can work and deal with it......
BUT the mental disharmony I feel still tries to beat me down. I so get what Diane is saying about just not wanting to get out of bed. As my dog Jaki was 4 when this all happened, she wasn't any incentive for me to get out of bed - she would just lay beside me and if I had one of my crying jags she would get as close as she could to me and lick my tears as I had my arms about her. Talk about being a basket case.....but it has gotten better.
Give yourself time and space. Maybe if you can afford it, don't work full time or maybe you could do some of your work from home? Give yourself a big pat on the back for all you have done. When I was diagnosed I found it a lot to take in - the surgeries, chemo and radiation. Then there was my emotions, my husbands and my 16 year old sons.
Go gently with yourself. If you feel like crying, cry. This is one sad business. Talk to us - come back here anytime.....
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Thank you all for your supportive words & advice. I will continue to try & find solice in all this craziness, but right now it's just so hard. I came into this disease with depression and I'm finding it worse now that I'm nearing the end of the 1st physical battle. As many of you have stated, my guess is the Tamoxifen isn't helping matters ... throwing me directly into menopause (I'm 45 years old) which I knew was going to be tough regardless of the BC.
As for work, I've called in 'sick' again today while I wait to speak to the oncologist & physicologist. While that brings some relief, it also brings guilt - I was such a strong, dedicated worker before this hell broke out. I don't want to let them down, but I know I'm no use there right now.
As for my peaceful place, I find running therapuetic, but I can't since my TEs are at about a 5 in the pain scale right now. I also bought a horse when I was 1st diagnosed ... perhaps a trip to see him and just watch them will bring me some peace today. One day at a time - but I HATE falling victim to this hell.
You are all such strong amazing women - I admire you all greatly!
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my3sunz, I bet your horse misses you!!! You will get great peace in seeing the joy in your horse when you go to him/her. To me dogs are boys and cats are girls, but I'm sitting on the fence about horses....
Women are VERY strong during a crisis. You hear of women lifting cars off kids and moving mountains to save their family. BUT, when it's all over they cry. It's what they have to do to decompress. It's a very good thing that you are letting out your angst. Staying strong for too long is harmful to your health!! Ididn't cry for 2 years, went back to work 2 1/2 weeks after my double mast. La lalalalala la. Then lost it all when one of my dear friends here on bco died. It knocked me to my knees. I've been off work for over a year now, and like Debbie, would prefer to live on less (LTD) and not have to go into work and deal with idiots and trite life matters. I just don't have the patience any more!!
You are perfectly in line with your grief and anger, you do want to let it out and not tamp it all down with meds (like I did, I think). I had to learn to cry again at appropriate times, like not in the line up at the grocery stores. I hurt myself by denying my situation. You are recognizing your's early!! You are doing a GREAT job and may just need a tweak in your exising anti'Ds to include anti-anxiety. They are different: depression and anxiety, but need to both be addressed. I have chronic depression and have been on meds for over 30 years but I needed help when I got the cancer diganosis as it was just so extreme. So reach out to your doc, but do know that you are doing the right thing, sweetie!!
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY (NOW!!) TO STANZIE!!!! Woo hoo (didn't want to do a pre-birthday wish, and then missed the real day!....sigh)
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Stanzie I hope you had a wonderful birthday and were surrounded by people who love and see what a wonderful woman you are!!
my3sunz us.
Sorry so long. you have received wonderful encouragment and support here. It is a place where you can feel safe saying anything. We all come to the point of our diagnosis with our own life stories and experiences. These shape how we receive and cope with this horrendous disease.
You are grieving many things. The loss of breasts, assumption of health, assumptions of longevity, maybe friends etc. This is such a layered and complex disease. Many feel that when the incisions are healed or the treatment is over that we are back to normal. You will never be the same. You have experienced a life threatening and life altering diagnosis and surgery. To be able to move through the grief process is so important. It is ever changing and fluid. What you will find I hope is that as time passes the grief will soften. But do not be surprised if when you think you are in a good place (and believe me you will get there) something will happen, a memory or a thought and you will feel like you are right there again. The beauty is that it is short lived for the most part. As you journey you learn tools that will help you cope. These too are individual and different for everyone.
It has helped me tremendously to find a support group made up of women who have undergone a mastectomy. They truly "get it" and can validate what you are feeling. No one can really tell you what your journey "should" look like or how long it will take to get to a point where you are comfortable with your body or your emotional outlook. I think for me personally the most important thing to hold onto is my emotions are valid, they are important to work through, and I can learn and grow to a point of living my life with intent and joy. It just might be different than how it looked before. Kate is right in that there have been articles published that indicate about 2 years to acceptance after loosing a breast. So you can see it IS complex and takes time.
One of the most difficult thing for me on this journey has been the friends I thought would be there, that weren't. I have learned that if someone does not treat me with respect and support in a way I find helpful then they need to be removed from my inner circle. I know people say really dumb things to us and depending on how it is said, the intent and if they continue will determine if they remain my friend.
We learn so much about ourselves on this journey, and we need to celebrate each and every step forward. Be patient when we seem to be going backwards and keep our eyes focused on the fact that each day is an opportunity to grow and love. This is a journey that will tax you to your core. It will require patience, self-love, courage, determination and hope. Each of these things are in you just sometimes at different levels.
Be gentle with yourself and one of the hard things for all of us to learn........ allow others to help
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Barbe & Hope - Your words hit me to the core - again, thank you for the support and great advice. I was able to get my rear in gear today and shortly after I wrote my note above, I laced up my running shoes and said to hell w/the pain ... it'll be there whether I sit on the couch or go out for a walk/run. I was able to run about 3 miles and walk an additional 2 or so. Amazing what a little endorphins can do for the brain. I haven't had a crying spell today since I returned - which is wonderful.
I also heard back from the psych oncology group and have an appointment scheduled for Monday. While I feel a bit better today, I know something is still just not right - my gut tells me so. I've made the decision to post-pone my return to work until that meeting and to continue to focus on myself. I feel guilty as hell, but until I feel more like my old, positive, upbeat, fun to be around self, I just can't bring myself to put on an act - it's exhausting.
I feel so lucky to have this board and to meet each of you. As many of said, friends seem to come & go and many of mine expect the old 'cheryl' to return and right now while my scars are healing and my prognosis is good, the old person is now turning into someone different because my life has changed. Who this new person will be is yet to be determined, but I know in the long run she won't be a victim because she is a strong person.
Bless you all!
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my3sunz42: of course you feeling something is still just not right - YOU!
You have been through the wringer and it's still going! Maybe you and others around you think now you've had the DM and are getting fills (which I understand can be very painful) you are all done and should be 'over' this breast cancer but you will still need another surgery for the permanent implants to be put in AND you are on Tamoxifen which makes your feelings and emotions go HAYWIRE all over the place at any and all times - well heck, girl, it isn't right.
Don't feel guilty about not going back to work if you can post-pone it. You will actually physically and mentally heal faster when you quit making so many expectations for yourself. Take it a day at a time, and when it's rough going, take it an hour at a time. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
Yes, your life has changed. All of ours have. Some for the bad, some parts for the good (I think).
I know this experience has made me take complete joy and bliss in the simple things in life - like how every morning I sit on the front porch steps (we live on property) and have my first cup of coffee, still in my pj's, my dog Jaki at my side and the cat Fred there too. I gaze at the greenness of the grass and plants, how the wind gently moves the leaves in the trees and watch the silly antics of the wild birds at the feeder vying for food. The sky is a pristine blue with a few feathery fluffy white clouds and the sun warms my body and soul.
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Debbie, that's a wonderful way to start your day!! Feeding your soul...I try to have an "OMG" moment each day where I see God's handiwork or sense of humour. It's these little things that make the difference.
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Debbie - you painted a beautiful picture! It's funny, I let my dogs out each morning w/my cup of coffee enjoying the little show our summer birds put on. It's these little things I'm trying to remind myself of as I have my lows. Thank you!!
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Yes, it is the little things. I do think BC made me stop as it sure seemed my world around me did. It's 2 1/2 years later and I'm just getting back to living my life.
Barbe - love the new photo! blonde?
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I get highlights (used to call them 'streaks') into my graying hair and it hides the gray beautifully! I am lucky that my gray is that brilliant sparkly stuff and looks like it's own highlights. I will let it all go grey when it is more even. I don't use a dark dye as my own hair is already dark (last avatar was natural). Lighter hair around the face as one ages is more flattering, though the gray alone ages. The mix of blond and gray is working for me. When I'm all gray, I want to do "lowlights" and add reds and ambers.
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barbe- Love the new photo and the new tag line! Foctober indeed! Just saw a Facebook page titled "Boycott Pink- Go Rosebud Red for Women's Health and Women's Choice". I think Komen (and every other BC organization) should jettison the color pink the same way they got rid of their CEO Brinker!
OK, I need everyone to talk me off the ledge. I have a lump under my left rib that's actually causing my ribs to protrude and is hurting. Thought maybe it was my imagination but doctor confirmed something's not quite right. She doesn't think it's BC related but she said never say never. (So reassuring, right?) Trying not to freak out as I suspect it will be nothing but how can our minds not go to the dark place even when you just had DCIS. I guess we'll always think that way, huh? Anyway, she's ordering a bunch of tests. Oh boy!
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Hi All!!! I have had odd computer issues - kept trying to post and it kept bumping me off. So...... first thanks for all the nice birthday wishes.... wasn't great as I was over exhausted from friends vist and fight with my kids and such... so slept most of the day
Barb! Love LOVE your new photo! It so fits your personality! Very fun and vivacious! Loved the other as well but this is more the wonderful outrageous you! My hairdresses keeps talking about All those Natural blond highlights! Actually my Dad went totally gorgeously snow white at 17 so I instead went grey at 19! So hair color and I have been friends for many many years!
my3sunz42- sorry you have to be here but Welcome! We have all delt with so many of the feelings you are going through and it takes time. Glad you found this thread as these are truly some of the most wonderful and amazing women! I cannot imagine leaving BC.org specifically because of these wonderful friends. Will say more later but computer still doing odd and typing is start and stop???
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Stanzie, was wondering where you went off to. So you have fights with your kids too? I thought it was just me!! My daughter even "unfriended" me from Facebook!! The only reason I knew, is that she had to "friend" me again to add me back!!!!
Kate, of course we go to the dark side! And don't say "just" DCIS. I had IDC but I hate to see ANY cancer taken lightly. If it was your right side, I'd be worried about liver, but your left side....spleen, bowel....???? Keep us posted sweetie, and vent all your fears here, we get it.
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