Great saying about depression
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Barbe I am so sorry for all the pain this is causing you. I wonder if you can get her to the table so to speak if you could just say "talk to me, tell me what I have done to cause you this pain and unhappiness toward me" And then listen without defense and be willing to hear what she has to say. Now please please do not get me wrong. I am NOT saying you did anything wrong. But it is her PERCEPTION. And that is the rub. She perceives an injustice. If you can hear what she has to say and then ask for forgiveness whether it is true or not .......... that may be the only way at this point. I am just thinking out loud. Everything else you have tried has fallen on deaf ears. The poem was beautiful by the way. It is continuing to cause you so much stress and pain. If it is a relationship you want to persue and it obviously is then maybe it would be helpful too to ask your counselor what they suggest?
I am just so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. Famlies are so complex and difficult at times.
I so hope that ALL of you can attend this party you have been planning for so long. She is wielding great power over you and I think she knows it. I hope so much for all of you that she will find room in her heart for you again.
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Barb- yes we are here holding your hand. I keep hoping she it is just a show of bravado on her part and not in truth what she would do. I'm so sorry! No you are not hijacking the thread - we all need help at different times for different reasons!
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Hopeful, you are SO right! I think I will go down to her work on Saturday to see her face to face. I did that last year when we were going through the same thing and she was thrilled to see me, and yet later on the phone yelled at me because she thought I was there to apologize!! I WILL apologize this time and not even wonder what I've done. It is HER perception of reality that matters right now and I will be the adult.
Stanzie, thank you for holding my hand. I don't know how much more I can take!!
The good news/bad news is that I had my bone scan yesterday and will get results on Friday with my Onc. I went to my PCP and got results of my spine MRI which still shows the stenosis but now shows that where the nerves come out the sides of the discs, I am have a bony overgrowth which is impinging down on them. He said no surgeon would touch me unless my legs were going numb, which they aren't at this point. I guess the surgery is so risky that it's either paralysis or success and they don't want to go in while I can still walk. The good news is that my brain CT was clear. My Onc had ordered it when I was blacking out and falling to the left. That ended up being my heart and not my brain thank God! Funny what we're thankful for, isn't it?
So, just the abdominal mass to come out in September. A scope down my throat for not responding to stomach meds (do you think I'm stressed?????) and an x-ray for my knee which hasn't recovered from when I blacked-out and fell off the step-stool....not bad. I'll feel better when I get passed the Onc. I asked my doc about the "bony overgrowth" and if it could be mets. He said it was very indicative of OA (which I knew I had) but a bone scan would tell the difference. What I liked yesterday for the bone scan is that they did a half hour 3D of my spine only. I've never had that done on a bone scan before!! I asked if it was their new machine I was in, but it wasn't. I wonder how a bone scan can do 3D????
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Kate, when do you get results of your tests??? Waiting is horrid, isn't it?
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Dawnsm
Thanks for sharing that. It's how I feel exactly. I am donsicknof people saying ur a strong person u can handle it. Well what if I have reached my breaking point. What then. Ughhh0 -
Dawnsm
Thanks for sharing that. It's how I feel exactly. I am so sick of people saying ur a strong person u can handle it. Well what if I have reached my breaking point. What then. Ughhh0 -
Saying to a cancer patient, "you are so strong I know you can beat this" or "Stay postive" or "If anyone can beat this disease you can" are all things trying to make us feel better but only cause a burden. We know we need to try to stay positive but the reality of this disease and it's treatment will give us days of deep dispair and grief. So on those days if someone says that to us it only places a heavy burden on us. No one says to a arthritis patient or a patient with diabetes, "I know you can beat this stay strong" etc.
You will have a breaking point that is only normal. The healthy way I think, is to allow the emotions. Let yourself cry, grieve or yell. Then when you feel release you can take the next step forward.
They do not understand we can do things to be as healthy as possible and be as strong and postive as possible and it may not matter. It is an injustice to those who have lost there lives to this disease. Many have been positive and showed amazing strength but this horrendous disease still took their lives.
So maybe the next time they say that you can gently say, you know that doesn't really help me. What would help is if you recongnized how difficult and painful this is and let me know you cared.
Just sayin..........
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The thing I hate about the "you're strong, you're brave, etc. so YOU will beat this" is it implies that those that didn't weren't strong enough or brave enough. In reality they were so much stronger and braver than I will ever be. BC, or any cancer, doesn't weed out the weaklings. I wish people instead would just say, "I'm here for you, I'm sorry you are having to go through this, what can I do?" That would help more than trite sayings that only make you feel worse when you're not feeling particularly brave or strong.
Good news- xrays all came back clean! Woo! Hoo! Since I'm having pain in the upper abdomen she's now sending me for a scope. I meet with that doctor on the 23rd and hopefully can schedule it right away.
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Thank God, Kate!!!!! Now the stomach....I'm getting scoped soon, too. I have upper right (mine) pain and swelling and I was sure my liver was involved, but ultrasound said no. I'm on Pantaloc for my stomach, upped to twice a day and still get pain lying down, so the scope. I did notice on my bone scan that I had some uptake in my upper GI area.....eeeeek!!
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Yuck, hate the "you are so strong" crap. No I'm not. You just don't see the times I come mentally unhinged. Call me a good actor.
Kate, SOOOO happy for clear x-rays!!! WOOT-WOOT!! And Barbe you too!! Now get those tummy problems resolved! Here's to hoping and wishing and praying that its just gas. . .well, you know what I mean, lets just hope its something not serious, and easily fixed!! You all deserve some good medical news for a change.
So my mom calls today and asks the proverbial "what do you want for your birthday" question that I HATE!! Don't WANT clothes--I'm PO'd cause when this whole thing started I was a 10, then a 12, then a 14 and since my june recon I can't get into my 14's. I have been wearing the same two pairs of XL gym shorts from Walmart for two months and some of my DH XL men's gym shorts. RRGh. I don't want to be that middle aged 50 something that doesn't want to look in the mirror. WAHH!! So she's calling back in a couple of hours and I'm supposed to figure out an answer. And she won't except "world Peace" either.
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Kate - congratulations on the GREAT news! What a relief that must be!!
Barb - We are all hear from you ... I'm not a usual poster to this area, but I am a frequent reader since I'm struggling with what the dr's call Adjustment Disorder and Depression. My troubles are no where near where you are at with your daughter - I just pray she sees the 'light' and comes back to you w/open arms (your poem was beautiful!!). We'll be there with you during the scope - hopeful for a simple fix to your pain.
Hopeful - your words have been so helpful more than a few times for me ... you seem to read my mind at times. I was strong through this journey, but there came a time when being strong was just too much. I was afraid to tell anyone because I didn't want to let them down. I've now begun to open up my heart and let people know how emotionally tough it has been and how at times I'm scared, sad and down right angry. I don't expect that they say anything back, but that they understand and support me through those valleys.
I continue to be so grateful for this website and all you wonderful woman!
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Claire - tell her you want jewelry and diamonds would be nice!
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Claire- What about tickets to something fun? Or a day at the spa or something? I personally feel like asking for a gift card for Botox these days! lol!
my3sunz- Yep, hopeful is definitely our resident mind reader. She always seems to be able to verbalize what we are all feeling and struggling to put into words. I keep saying her posts are a BC best seller in the making.
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Oh god....I had sent my son an email saying:
I trust that someone will be bringing Zach to the party. To deny a 2 year old the glory of a huge party for him is just pitiful.
Mom xoxoxoThat's when my son answered back that he would be sending my emails along to Kim. I knew I'd have to be careful what I wrote. Sure enough, Kim finally answered my email about me offering to stay home. This is what she said:
Thanks for the idea but I don't want to make a decision right now! Eddie is also pretty upset with what has gone on and we just need a break! We were planning on going until we got the last email about Zach not being there being 'pitiful'
I just can't win!!! My DH is beside himself as he told me NOT to offer to stay home!! He thinks Kim has to accept the fact that she isn't always right....sigh. So this is what I wrote back to Kim:
Oh Kim, I am so, so, so sorry for what I have done to hurt you!! I wish the last week had never happened and we could all just move forward. Is there any way that we can make this all disappear? Paul is quite upset, too, to say the least. It was for Zach's loss that I used the word pitiful. I didn't know what else to say. Obviously I can't ever say the right thing. My offer stands, though. If you guys will go, I will stay home if that works out better for you. xoxoxoxoxo
Notice I put in "if that works out better for you" just in case she does want to come and wants me there too. Reading it back, though, I see that I shouldn't have said that I can never say the right thing. She'll probably jump all over that. She is using the party as SUCH a power-hold that it's making me not want to go whether she goes or not!!! My DH says he's bored of going through this again and that he has no sympathy for her, but SHE thinks he is a saint for being married to me.
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barbe -we're here, I'm here for you! Sadly we aren't your daughter. Oh how in heaven I wish I had a Mum like you. My Mum died when I was 10 - committed suicide and then months later I ended up living with my Dad (parents had been divorced for years) and a step-mum who never had children of her own and sure didn't know or want to know what to do with me. ....so she had me work - clean the house, do the gardenwork, clean her beauty shop, wash the cars. She taught me to cook so she wouldn't have too (guess this was a good thing) and I don't mean she was all bad, we just never did anything together.
Your daughter is missing out on precious time with you and for that she is a fool - and to deprive her child (children) of getting the experience to be around someone like you who is funny, caring, clever, witty and cheerful at the worst of times, BAD ON HER! If Kim doesn't know an expression of love as deep as you withholding your own presence at a party IF that is why she won't go, then the shame is on her.
I know at 59 I am a few years older than you, but if you can't be my Mum then I sure would like you for a sister!
It's not you - it's her that's completely bonkers!
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Debbie, you just made me cry. I had to read what you wrote to my DH as it moved me so...
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barbe - what I wrote was not meant to make you cry. You are an awesome person. I can't imagine you doing something to make your daughter treat you this way. And if you did do something that hurt or upset her, isn't there a time limit on anger? We all realize how precious our time on this earth is and we fight for every day we get. You, not only have had to deal with the monster breast cancer, but many other life-threatening health issues, yet to me, you stay positive and are ALWAYS here to help me (and us all) out of our doom and gloom times. I complain about being tired, taking Femara, joints hurting, now having 3 slipped discs in my back, more migraines and osteoporosis yet I can do my housework and gardening much of the time. Yes, I need days off, and I tire more easily but heck, I'm still going. You, on the other hand have mounting medical issues and it seems to me your state of mind is a lot healthier than mine.
Your daughter may not appreciate or want to be with you, but I value every comment you make here for me and every one else - yet she remains angry at you and seemingly bent on hurting you any and every way she can. So so sad.
barbe, stay strong, don't let her take any more of your vivacious energy - you radiate love and compassion!
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Barbe, not knowing all the details, I have a question. Does Eddie have any control over this? By her saying that he is "upset" too makes me wonder if there is more going on at that house than you know. I know that both my parents think my BILS are just wonderful, but I know that quite often they hold my parents in contempt for things my sis's have told them. Now none of us girls denied contact to my parents, but when I look back on it, the amount of indifference was stifling.In their houses, it was easy to make my parents the enemy and the root of all their problems. I'm just so sorry that Kim has held her family hostage. Her "issues" should be hers and not parlayed on her family. I agree with Debbie, you ARE a remarkable person, a genuine human being with a heart as big as it gets. We can't replace your daughter's love, but please know you are loved here for helping all of us climb out of our rabbit holes,with your grace, humor and strength. Your daughter's timetable sucks, but ultimately, I hope, she will see what she is missing in her life and what she is denying her family--the love of a mom and a grandma.
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Claire and Debbie, you have no idea how much your comments mean to me!! I cannot thank you enough for the grace of your feedback. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Claire, I'm sure Eddie is sick of the issue as well, as it is distressing his wife, but I don't know how much he "believes" of whatever she says. There are times when my DH and I thought he didn't like us - he is 44 and she is 29, so he might have been defensive when we first met, but we never, ever harped on the age difference. As long as he treats my daughter like a jewel he is loved. Then there are times when Ed is so gentle with me, like when he showed me how to view pictures on my new cell phone. So my DH and I are torn as to whether he likes us or not. We are never invited over for dinner spontaneously and have eaten in their home maybe 4 times in the 5 years they've been together (3 years married). I promised my kids that I would never just "drop in" and I have kept that promise. I didn't want their spouses worried about me just showing up. I have made every effort to be a good mother-in-law, sincerely complimenting where applicable and not interfering with child raising. Again, I can only do my best. I am running out of energy on this issue though....
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barbe- Your daughter seems very similar to my sister in that she feels many hurts, won't talk about them but won't get over them either. One year my family finally scheduled an "intervention". We got together and we told her she needed to lay it all on the table- every hurt, slight and disappointment she had ever felt towards us. We told her it was her chance to get it all out and get some resolution. Then we told her she could either forgive or forget but that we weren't talking about it anymore. Life was way too short. Now I'd like to stay this "stuck" but I won't lie but it did make things much better for a long, long time. She was able to get things off her chest, we listened (which is another thing she needed) and we (right or wrong) apologized because that was another thing she needed. Everyone has their feelings and they're not right or wrong just merely their own personal reality. And we all have selective memories of the past, too. What the intervention did was enable us to find out what her feelings truly were and what her perception of reality was so we could better understand her. Would it be possible for your family to get together and try this? It may not fix everything but a little bit of healing can go a long way.
I got a message from my doctor yesterday. Seems she ordered something called a 3 phase bone scan which she hadn't mentioned. Has anyone had one of these? I guess you go in and they inject some kind of radioactive dye, scan you and then you have to come back 3 hours later and get scanned again. I'm doing that tomorrow. Guess I just thought it odd that she hadn't mentioned anything about it- just the xrays and the scopes.
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Kate, that is a WONDERFUL idea and just might have to be what we do! Everyone, like my son, is getting tired of this. We have NO idea what "hurt" her, but as you saw, I am willing to apologize! I understand about it not sticking, but then it occurred to me last night....I don't get along with her Dad (divorced obviously) so it kind of makes sense I wouldn't get along with at least 50% of HER!! hehehehhehehee
As for a 3 phase bone scan...hmmm. I've had a number of bone scans and they are all like you say, injection and then return 3 hours later. This time they did the spine in a 3D mode which I've never had. About time!!! Have you ever had a bone scan? I think they are the gold standard for any kind of bone issue and count on them for finding mets if I ever get them.
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AHA!! Just googled it. You will get scans immediately following the injection. Here is what it says about these pics:
The second phase image, also known as the blood pool image is obtained 5 minutes after injection. This shows the relative vascularity to the area. Areas with moderate to severe inflammation have dilated capillaries, which is where the blood flow is stagnant and the radioisotope can "pool". This phase shows areas of intense or acute inflammation more definitively compared with the third phase.
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Barb- interesting info about the bone scan. Kate - we are all thinking of you!
Barb- wow, lots of great information for you. Families are difficult.... but yes I think letting her get it out and you all finding out what on earth it is will be good. If .... if she will do it.Debbie - wow that is a lot that you went though but look what an amazing and lovely person you are.
Barb- I just hate you have to deal with all this stress... that is not good for you and you daughter should at least understand that. One of the issues I have with my daughter is she feels so entitled to everything. Just got back from buying all the school books - very expensive. My son- so grateful thanks me so much for buying the books and says good by see you tomorrow as I drop them off at their Dad's. My daughter in the same car - says nothing just gets out of the car and slams the door.... My son carries ALL the books - I offer to help him - she does nothing... So I don't get daughters at all needless to say. She never appreciated anything, never thanks anyone for anything and never apologizes. I don't get it.... So I so very much wish you luck and success as I think I will be in exactly the same boat with my daughter.....
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barbe58, you have had some really good advice here and i think it is spot on. you mentioned you divorced her dad , perhaps that is the basis for it all. it doesn't matter at what age it occurred to her you were probably to "blame" and she can't let go of that. also, honestly until she has a realization of how fragile life is she won't realize what she and her family are missing. good luck. again apologies for lack of caps and typos, having use of only one arm right now sucks. seeing ent today apparently perforated eardrum also when i fell.
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Oh ptdreamers- I punctured my ear drum many years ago and I still remember how very painful it was. Make sure you get your hearing checked now and then after a few months once it has healed. I'm so sorry- it really is painful!
Good point about divorcing her dad.... that certainly can be an issue expecially how the other parent "plays it".
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barbe- Thanks for the bone scan info. I started to google it and the first thing that came up was metastatic bone cancer. I didn't want to read any more!
Stanzie- I think a lot of teens go through this obnoxious stage. I'm just hoping it doesn't stick. My sister's daughter just announced on Facebook that she is engaged. First my sister heard of it especially since my neice is only 16. It's amazing they don't automatically medicate all parents of teenagers to keep us from throttling them in their sleep. It will get better. Just keep telling yourself that a hundred times a day. I like Debbie's idea about the pleasant zone. I'm thinking about posting signs all over my house. lol!
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Kate, from what I read about the 3 phase, it was to find inflamation more effectively, which would be arthritis. So you may be walking in my world soon! I pray not.
Her dad and I divorced 25 years ago and she insists it's nothing to do with that. She loves my DH, Paul, absolutely adores him!
Stanzie, that is SO friggin' RUDE of your daughter!! How old is she? and why do you have to buy school books? College? University?
Maybe this is just the rebellion stage she never went through. But the funny thing is, no word from her today, but a word from my DH's ex, who is hosting the party at her condo (DH's daughter had the other child Fynn). Sonia is sick at the thought and wants to just change it to a picnic and if Kim shows up give her a slice of Fynn's cake for Zach!!! I'm sorry, I just find that hilarious!! Kim thinks SHE'S in control and not so much, eh?
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Hey everyone- Seems my bone scan has been postponed. Insurance authorization never went through. Not sure what the hold up is but my doctor said she'd take care of it tomorrow and call me back. So guess they're not too concerned, huh, which I take as a good sign!
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Kate - my thoughts are with you on your bone scan. I know nothing I say or do will calm you down until you see the results but as my Dr reminds me when I find a lump or bump 'lets check it out just due to your history'. My Dr says without the hx of bc, she wouldn't even be checking these things out at this stage.
Daughter? - Sons? Yes, they should of handed us about 3 years worth of magic pills to deal with the teen angst we are put through. I guess I am lucky, that even when my son Max was at his worst, even with the anxiety and depression and my bc, he was polite an always said please and thank you....just nothing else. He may of bee caustic in his remarks to his Dad or me but never to anyone else!
buying schoolbooks - Max went to public high school and every year we had to pay about $200 for him to use the textbooks they provided and if they weren't returned at the end of the year then we had to 'pay' for the book. I thought we had already done that!
My DH says I am much more sensitive since BC and now that I am taking Femara but so what? Is there something wrong with being sensitive and caring and loving? If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all!
As to my 'pleasant zone' I had to do that, as for a while the tension in our house was giving me migraines and chest pains and by the time I had cooked dinner and we sat down to eat I couldn't eat. That's no way to live. We need to remember to nurture ourselves too, while we are so busy with the feelings of others. The stronger inside we are the better we can cope with the outside world....I think.....
oh and also barbe and Stanzie - remember with your daughters - it's not YOU and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!...and Stanzie: your son should of left your daughters books in the car. He shouldn't encourage her behaviour by doing things for her she should be doing for herself. She is not a Princess, she is an equal member of the family and therefore should act like one.
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went ent today. it appears that when i took my fall i broke one of the three bones in my middle ear. surgery to fix has a twenty to thirty % failure rate. i am trying a hearing aid for a month to see if that is an acceptable alternative. it is what it is.
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