Great saying about depression
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Hopeful, it is so hard when it feels like everything is against you, but know that we are all for you. (((hugs)) i hate how it feels like my own body is fighting itself. Here's to getting good answers tomorrow.
Kate, congratulations on gaining family!
Happy getting through Monday!
Has anyone done biofeedback ? I had a meeting with a mind body stress reduction therapist today. We did not get to the actual biofeedback part. Have to have another appt. Not sure what to think yet, trying to keep an open mind.0 -
Congratulations Kate, sounds like the DstepD has her head screwed on tight and is responsible. You will be an awesome grandma.
Barbe - my Mother was assaulted on street (at funeral home) and yes it could happen again, but the area she will be living in will be less likely to happen and hopefully she will be out with other folks most of the time. I hope I don't inherit any furniture as I live in a small condo with shabby chic (in otherwards hand-me-down and mismatched furniture). She says the community center has a group of ladies who come in the house and take over with a huge "estate" sale and take maybe 20-30% of proceeds. Definitely worth it. She seems excited except for the expense, but we will work through that.
Went to Ortho Doc today and had elbow x-ray - it is beginning to heal and doc very pleased with range of motion however the shoulder MRI was not what he thought it would be. He thought minor strain to rotator cuff and turns out it is almost complete tear with only a few fibers holding it together. With the activities I like to do, kayaking, swimming, sailing, water aerobics, he said it would probably only get worse so I decided to go ahead with ANOTHER surgery and have it repaired correctly. I am afraid that it might slightly improve with cortisone shots and therapy and then when workers comp decides everything is ok, the thing will let lose and then I will have to foot the surgery bill. Hopefully wc will cover the surgery and then I will be in sling for 6 weeks and physical therapy for 6 - 12 months. This is going to be a long, hard learned lesson to walk correctly on my feet. I am tired of surgeries and being at DHs mercy for everything. I think I will have to just quite my second job as I will not be able to work it for another 6 weeks and it is not fair to them. Oh well - one day at a time!
Hope the storm has not affected anyone. We had wind and rain and that was about it.
Hugs to all.
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Oooooh Hopeful, please let us know what he says? I can't imagine why blisters and such would form??? Gosh I hope it is nothing and he will reassure you and give you somthing to feel better.
Kate!! Thinking about you with your tests tomorrow!!!
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Delilah glad you are healing nicely but sorry you have such a long road ahead of you before it is completely healed. I can't begin to imagine the pain. HUGS
Kate congrats on the engagement. Always nice to have a wedding or something exciting to keep you busy and give you something to look forward to.
Hopeful...could the blisters be an allergic reaction?? I had allergic reaction to the glue used to close my incision and i had a line of tiny itch blisters. I had to take benadryl daily till it healed and the doc cleaned my scar. It was miserable and painful. I hope that is all it is. Feel better
Feeling a bit sad today..lost a friend in the community this weekend in a horrible accident. He was hit by a bus while riding his bike at the beach. So terrible..I just hope his family was not biking with him at the time of the accident. Anyhow, he owns my favorite two restaurants/bars and he was just one of those guys who just always had a smile on his face. He also really revitalized the Canton (waterfront area of Baltimore) and made it what it is today. He was always doing something to raise money and support childrens causes. He will be greatly missed. I made a donation to his charity a minute ago in his memory. My niece was sad too cause ever since she was little maybe 6 we used to go to his restaurant. she always thought the name was funny(Nacho Mamas) and there is a wooden Elvis statue out front. They also have chalkboard paint on the bathroom walls so of course my niece always has to go to the bathroom as soon as we are seated to draw on the walls with the colorful chalks. She also met Scunny (the owner) several times and thought he was funny and had an even funnier name. We were just there last month..just so sad. Its a very tight community and everyone seems to be walking around in a daze and so heart broken. His funeral is Wednesday and all the local restaurants are donating 30% of profits to his charity. So f*&^ing sad...did I mention he was 49...young kids. sad.
Another tragic note (I am full of it this gloomy monday) there was a shooting at a HS right up the street from me. The HS my friends' kids go to. Fortunately none of them were hurt but one special needs student (15)was shot and is in critical condition at Shock Trauma. So so so incredibly sad. The shooter was taken into custody(17 year old) boy that was a victim of bullying. The victim was not the intended target. Fortunately a brave (and might I add hot) counselor at the school subdued the shooter so he only got 2 shots off and remains in custody.
I go tomorrow for labs then onc appointment on Thursday. I feel blaaaaahh
Kate good luck tomorrow.
Hope everyone is having a better start to their week. Hope tomorrow is better.
Hugs to all...back to work. I am so tired I cant wait till this deadline is over. Good night dear friends!
Diane
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Kate - Good luck today on your test. You are surrounded by good thoughts.
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We used to have a wringer washer, but only used the wringer part to squeeze out the clothes before we hung them outside, winter OR summer! Then we got a 'clip-on' device for the counter by the sink. Our washer was under the counter - you had to lift a piece of the counter top and voila a built in washer!!
Kate, you nailed it with your comments about todays teens. I, too, think it's important that they are communicating at all! I just hate some of the short terms like 'ur'. I'm sorry, if you can type the 'u' and the 'r', you might as well type the 'y' and the 'o'! Most phones have that app that guesses what you mean anyway, and I hate seeing short terms like that on bco here. Predictive typing I think it's called.
Mac, I would compare your sanity to mine as I KNOW I'm crazy!! hehehehehehehe
Diane, so, so, sad......no words.
Thinking of you, Kate, we are with you.
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Kate, thinking of you today. Nothing but good thoughts.
Diane, sorry your week has started so yucky. ((((hugs))))) Violence is so senseless--and the bike accident, well that is senseless too.
Delilah-ANOTHER surgery? You poor thing! Sometimes, I feel like our bodies are like cars. They run great for years, an oil change here and there and then when they fall apart, they FALL APART!! Its always all at once!My dad always jokes that he is going to trade his in for a newer model(his body, that is!)
Hopeful, are the blisters forming under the tagaderm? Tape? Seems like they would come up with some kind of skin protectorant that doesn't damage the skin in the process. Amazing how sensitve skin can be. I've found the only tape I can use is Mepitac, everything makes my skin break out in a nasty, bubbling, hive mess. ooh and I forgot to ask my PS if he uses staples during my stage 2 diep. Not looking forward to that.
TS Isaac was nothing but a silly rainmaker. Just hope it doesn't strenghten and steer into NO. They have had their share of misery.
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Hopeful- Hope your PS appointment went well and he has some reassuring words. I, too, was wondering if it could be the tape? I never had a prolem with it until my very last surgery. Not sure if they used different tape after that one from all the others but broke out in a horrible rash with hives. Hope it's something like that will clear up easily when bandages are removed.
Delilah- Sorry you are looking at another surgery. It's so hard to think about putting yourself through that and the accompanying recovery and rehab. I know you will be glad you did in the long run, though.
Diane- I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. It's so incredibly sad when senseless accidents happen like that. You can't help thinking if only.....if only the bus had left earlier, if only your friend had taken a different route that day, etc. It's maddening to think how many lives have been affected by a simple twist of fate. I feel for his poor family to have lost him that way.
I had my CT scan today. My DH went with me for moral support but it was such a quick test! Should have the results within a few days and, of course, will keep you all posted. Thanks for all the support. It means so much!
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Hi ladies, thanks for all the supportive comments. My PS said he thought the blisters could be from sheering, the friction maybe against the skin under the tegaderm is what he is referring to I believe. But today when I saw him he said he has seen it before, not often but he has seen it. He said he thinks they will heal without scaring. Wouldn't that be something after all this if I end up with a right breast full of more scars due to blisters! He said the theory now is to rupture them and keep ointment on them. Before when I was in nursing school we were told to not break them open. So I have two more that started forming yesterday. The tegaderm is off both breasts so we will see if they stop forming. I certainly hope so!! Cmbear thanks for the tape name to try. I hope your diep is staple free
!Mac I have heard that the biofeedback is very valid and studies have shown it is worth it. Just seems a little uncomfortable to do at first maybe. Kind of like meditation feels a bit strange at first.
I have nipples and areolas!!!!!! He seemed pleasantly surprised actually at how well the graft took. The one on the left has absolutely no bruising at all. The nipple on the left is well shaped. The areola on the right is bruised pretty darkly on the lower right area. As long as it is just a bruise on not tissue without perfusion I am good. The nipple on the right is not quite as well shaped. Both will shrink so I will see what it is like when that process is done. I am just so thankful he feels they are healing well!!! Hip incisions are both good. I can't tell you what it felt like to look down and see nipples. When I lost them to the failed NSM I was devastated. I feel whole again. Now I have to protect them for a couple of weeks. Felt kind of funny going to Babies R Us and buying nipple protectors for nursing women
So again, thank you all for joining me on this very scary part of the journey and offering so much support!Delilahbear, so sorry about the shoulder but I think you will be so glad in the long run to do the surgery. I had shoulder surgery for bone spurs and some frayed tendons not a comlete tear and it is a hard recovery but so worth it. Keep us posted on the date.
Diane I am so sorry for your loss and the loss your community is experiencing. It is tragic how life can change in an instant. I am so touched by hearing how the community of restaurants is rallying around to show their support
Kate I have you in my thoughts for a smooth test and quick results!!
This journey causes us to look at the world with a seriousness and gained wisdom that we may never have achieved without it. It also teaches us the cleansing power of tears and the renewing of spirit that a shared smile and laughter can give us.
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Hopeful- My PS gave me the Mepitac tape after exchange to keep on my incisions after exchange. She said it helps scars to heal smoothly. That stuff is great! All of my scars healed nice and flat and my GP even commented on it during my annual physical. I think it's prescription only, but not positive, but well worth the money I think. So glad your appointment went well and you're feeling better now with your results. I know it has to make such a difference in feeling whole again. I am so happy for you!
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Mepitac is prescription only, but I did see it available on Amazon. What isn't? I've been fortunate, the nurses have thrown three boxes in my purse as I left my appts. I still have a little teeny, tiny hole on my abdominal incision. ---its only been 12 weeks. . .
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Thanks all for your kind words. Tomorrow is the funeral but I cant go.
Hopeful...Cherry on the sundae!!! Yes it made a huge difference for me to have the nip done. I didnt even expect it to lift my spirits as much as it did. you are on your way!! Yeah! So glad you are happy with the results so far. you do have to protect those babies. I remember thinking the same thing when I bought the nursing pads. I thought this cashier is looking at me like no way at my age did I just have a baby. LOL it made me laugh a little. I doubled up on them but mine still flattened out. I had the CV flap and my youthful skin keeps tightening back in place and pulling down my little nip. Its ok though its still there a bit. i had it done twice and my PS said the skin will keep behaving this way so I am happy with it...although I was in LOVE with it..then it shrunk..
oh well. You shouldnt have the same issue I did since you did a graft. I am having my tattoo touched up and when I called my PS's office today I told the girl I needed my tattoo touched up and doc said to schedule a 30 minute appt. She was like "You're having a tattoo removed?? I think it takes longer than 30 minutes" I said...are you new?? She said yes and I said ..just give me a 30 minute slot. LOL I wasnt up for explaining but then emailed my PS and said ..I think you better clue the new girl in on what you do behind those closed doors. Kate did you get to take the films with you?? I had to get bloodwork done today for my onc appt on Thursday and when I left the lab I started getting anxious and teary eyed. I feel so nervous I literally cant even focus on my work. I hate feeling this way. I think if this appt is ok and my MRI in December is clear...I need to find a way to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and try to really move forward not thinking I am at deaths door. I dont know how I am gonna do it but I am really gonna try.
I hope everyone is having a good day. Today the sun is finally shining but it is muggy sticky hot. Fortunately I have enough work to do to keep me indoors for the next week.
(ETA) A client was calling me and in my panic I hit submit before properly signing off...
I will be reading even if I dont have time to post. You ladies are always in my thoughts. I will let you know how thursdays appt goes..fingers crossed.
Hugs to all!!
Diane
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Diane I bought both soft breast protectors kind of like a abd pad or dressing. Then I also bought the plastic kind I thought I would cut of the top part so the sides were protected. Does that sound right? I don't know what I think is going to happen but I am afraid to move now that the PS has taken the big protective foam dressing he had covering the entire thing. I guess I am afraid so much for the perfusion to stop based on what happened before.
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hi guys.. just wanted to letcha know im ok, just so fatigues from getting ready for the hurricane that didn't come lol but im grateful it didn't , we didn't lose our electric, that was my big worry. we did lose internet and xfinity.. but i have enough on ny dvr to go for days w/out itlol
we had a "rain and wind event" as the meterolgists call it.. some flooding, but my complex has fixed everything after wilma. even the drains were cleared, and enlarged. and whatever they did to fix the electric worked, thank goodness..
i can't begin to catch up, but hope everything is going well with everyone.. i did want to say; i had 2 us at the gyns.. they just sched. my appt to see him the day the tech does the us's.. so ck it out, DiDel 2for 1!!!
hope everything is straight, and you have your answers soon, Kate.......3jays
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Diane- Funny what you wrote about needing to move forward and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was thinking those exact thoughts yesterday. Once I get through this little scare I am going to try to do the same. I know we all have to be vigilant but I think I've been making myself a little crazy. Guess it's all normal post-BC behavior but I feel like it's changing who I am. Tired of being a nervous nellie I guess. I'd much rather spend all that money on testing for a girl's get together with all of you someday!
3jays- Sorry for all the prep work. I know how exhausting it can be dealing with big events like that when dealing with chronic fatigue. I'm glad the storm missed you, though! Good luck with the us results.
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Oh Wow, that tape sounds wonderful - I guess it doesn't work on already head scars. I wonder why my PS never told me about that- my back scars are awful.
Hopeful! I'm so happy nothing scary was wrong and glad you like what you see so far. Mine were so strange I never had anything protective over then other than a bandaid- I guess that is why they flattened so quickly. Mind are so very different from my real ones I don't recognize any of it as being mine. It is like looking at a stranger. I so would like to have the 3-d done some day and at least have the right color. Anyway, sorry went off on my own tangent.... I'm just glad he didn't think the blisters were something bad.
Diane- I'm so very sorry about your friend. We will be thinking about you on Thursday - I think going to an onc. is stressful as his job is cancer! But hoping you get all good reports and soon can start to relax with the apts.
3jays!!! Yay!! I'm so happy to see you! Glad the storm wasn't bad. My sisters in the keys did fine even though it came sooner than everyone expected so they were supposed to stay together at the one sister's house she couldn't get there. One lives just outside KW on the ocean so she isn't as protected but did fine. The one who lives in KW, well she sent pictures of her and her husband in the hot tub during the storm! Only my sister! Lol!
Kate... waiting with you - sigh this part is always the worst, glad the test itself wasn't bad.
Having such issues with my daughter! I have to stop letting her push my buttons but it is soooo hard for me. Monday she came home and had a lot of homework, but she knew an one of her old babysitters was coming over and was making her a special Polish dinner(she has a thing for Poland) and another adult friend of mine who pops in came as well. But before that she had piano. Our piano teacher is this wonderful young guy who has two little girls. Almost two years ago, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which had spread to some lymph nodes and in the same month, his wife was also diagnosed with thyroid cancer! Talk about stressful. They are both fine as far as I know now. Anyway, my daughter was in a bad mood and he comes in cheerful, happy to see her since last Spring and she is not only rude but downright mean to him. Afterwards I reminded her about how he always try to make her lessons fun and engage her and asked her if there was ever a time he didn't do that. She said no. So I think asked her how hard did she think it must have been when he didn't know what his prognosis was and being also worried about his wife and kids and if he could get it together didn't she think she could make at least an effort? She seemed to get it and I felt like I did ok on parenting. Then I blew it. Well she was horrid the rest of the night never even thanked her old babysitter( young girl in her late 20's now) and very fun. So I had been asking her to bring this really nice dress back from her Dad's which she has refused to wear so I could at least give it to a friend. So I go up to look for it and she has "lost" it. I know she just threw it away at her Dad's and it just upsets me so much. I don't care that she didnt like it or wouldn't wear it - she never has so what on earth was I thinking? I was with another Mom whose has a daughter 3 years older and she helped me choose this dress for her from a cool trendy teen store so I thought... anyway, but to throw it away- no not give away, actually throws it in the trash. Barb- this is how strong her passive aggressive is to me. And she will just look at me with no expression! Just soooo difficult. Then last year she wrote this long heartfelt (supposedly) on how offensive it is when someone uses the word "retard", because of her brother. So lately I'm seeing how mean she is to her brother, especially if she doesn't know we can see or hear her... and to her other brother now she is using the word. I was so upset and disappointed in her.... So last night at a parent meeting which was supposed to be for her brother I ended up talking to the Dean of students and to a parent who does parent coaching about how worried I am about her and my reactions to her and how I'm just at a loss but the one thing I can't say is anything about my ex. Everyone likes him and he is soooo nice. Yes he can come off that way, but he is still trying to do anything he can to get back at me for divorcing him. He is still angry and his pride his hurt. So he looooooves how my daughter treats me and I'm sure he subtly encourages it. So no help at all there... Sorry this turned into such a long rant.... I'll quit now.
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I tend to agree with you guys that maybe we have to move on. I've been thinking of it in the last couple of days too. For all the worrying I've been doing about breast cancer I've had SO MANY other health issues pop up!!! My back, which will need surgery one day. My heart which needed a pacemaker. My thyroid which finally had to all come out. And the list goes on!! I have to get my stomach scoped and my knee is still bad where I fell on it when I blacked out and had to get x-rays finally after 2 months. So why was I so worried about CANCER???????
Stanzie, I wonder if your daughter would be receptive to counselling? Call it career counselling - whatever - but can she get in to see a school counsellor and you give him her background? She does have stresses and doesn't seem to be dealing with them in socially acceptable manners! On the positive side, I emailed my DD that I heard she was coming to the party and we had a tiny bit of back and forth on email. So....I'll just hold my breath and hope I don't say the wrong thing! NO!!!!!!! I WILL NOT HOLD MY BREATH!!! I will become the parent and if she does this again I will tell HER that her behaviour is unacceptable!!!!
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Barbe so glad the party will be as you wanted. I hope both of you will be gentle with each other as there have been a lot of hurt between both of you.
Kate hope you hear soon!!! Yes I too think we need to start the day with the thought of how do I want to write my story today. So hard to do sometimes. This last week was terrible for a lot of us. But each day if we wake up with the thought of writing our story so that it includes thanksgiving, hope, generousity of spirit, love and an excitement about what the day holds............... maybe it will help. And I KNOW this isn't always possible because some days are just hard and horrible but maybe if we try with our first thoughts when we wake up. I know it is hard, last week and the beginning of this week was horrible. But I kept trying to return to how I wanted to write my story. I let the tears and frustrations happen as many times as I needed. I can't pretend they don't exist. But then with the help of my hero husband and all of you returned to center. Does that make sense? This journey is fluid and ongoing. I do think in time when we have a sense of confidence we will be able to relax. I mean confidence in NED and our treatments working. That outcomes can work out
I am trying not to be nervous about the dark areas on the areolas. NSM turned black because of lack of perfusion and tissue death. I am thinking this is just bruising which he said would be there. He saw them yesterday and was pleased. The tip of the right areola bled a bit after my shower today. That is the areola with the most darkness on it. I said well at least I know it is perfusing! I will watch and see that it doesn't spread. Suppose to go to a baseball game this weekend not sure how to wear anything with all the gauze and stuff. My best friend of over 37 years and her hubby are coming again. He is a cardiologist so I guess if I am really concerned about the dark areas I could show him. That would be wierd though
Diane I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If you could just get her to sit down and be honest about what she is thinking and feeling. Could she be being bullied at school? Are you at all concerned about substance abuse? I wonder if you could have a counselor come to your home to facilitate this. Don't ask her permission almost like an intervention? On your back scars try kelo =cote. It is a gel and it does work. Takes several months but helps old scars as well. www.kelocote.com The treatment of your son is non-negotiable right! You DO NOT treat him that way. That's where the tough love has to start. I hate bullying. I can't even watch it in movies. You are so kind I hate that anyone is treating you that way.
3jays so glad you missed the brunt of the storm!
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Hopeful it is me not Diane - you know what upsets me the most is how my ex condons it all as he is thrilled that someone is being ugly to me since I divorced him. I cannot tell you how much .... gosh can't even come up with the correct word - he is just the lowest of the low..... But she is so totally taken with everything and he is using her and she is happy to have him do it as she doesn't like me. I honestly thing it goes back to abandonment from her birth mother as even as a baby she pushed me away. I just am worn out and tired of her manipulations and meaness. I have hired this man to do family pictures and he said he likes to capture the relationships.... I'm almost ready to just tell her to stay in her room. I KNOW I can't do it but I'd be ready to do it. I have nothing for her to wear as she refuses to try on anything I have bought over the last three days and I honestly think I just give up. I can't do it anymore..... She is selfish and mean and it is all directed at me and I haven't done anything to her other than try my best to love her and make her happy and nothing is enough. I am to the point where if she wants to live with her Dad and cut me out then so be it. I know I won't feel like this late but right now I just can't deal with this - I have never met anyone who is so deliberatly mean and I honestly don't understand it. As far as I know, as she refuses to talk to me, school is going well and she is happy with her teachers and has made new friends. The school she goes to is very good about really watching the kids and taking care of them. No I am as sure as a parent can be that she isn't into drinking or drugs - she is just hateful and it is all directed to me and her brother with DS and a bit to her other brother who school comes easy to.... I don't know. She doesn't care about anything other than electronics and her Dad - other than that ...... and I'm the bottom of the barrel. I think she would be thrilled if something bad happened to me, isn't that awful but I honest think it would make her happy. I got really upset with her and was on the verge of tears and she was thrilled. I honestly don't know....
Barb, I'm so happy your daugther is being nice- just go slow....
Hopeful- sounds like if the Doc thought they were ok then they should be. I totally understand being scared and worried about it but I'm thinking everything will be all right. I hope so!
Thanks to all of you! Sorry I'm just not in a good place right now....
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Stanzie I am so sorry of course it is you. Fuzzy brain right now! Oh I wish I could wisk you away and surround you with people like me, who think you are wonderful! You deserve to be treated with respect. She doesn't have to like you right now but she needs to treat you with respect. I am so very sorry you are hurting and in pain with all of this. I wonder what would happen if you did draw back. Set the rules for the house and then speak when spoken to with respect but that is it. Does you ex have shared custody? If he is safe at least maybe she should go there for a while and see it isn't perfect! Easy for me to say. It is so hard when they treat you like that! But they hold a lot of power over us when we keep trying to please them. I think sometimes when you back away and show them you don't have to do anything but provide shelter, food, clothing and you don't have to respond to ill behaviour............
I am glad you feel confident about the drugs. One of my friends has a daughter who got into big big trouble with all of that. She is currently in a rehab on the east coast somewhere. Very scary. Glad her school is good. What did the dean say when you asked what to do? Hopefully I am remembering that you asked when you were at a conference for one of the other children
I am sending you a huge hug and telling you to remember how special and wonderful you are!
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Stanzie, I just have to jump in and put my 2 cents worth in: as far as your daughter goes: it seems that nothing you do or say is taken well by her. I see you here trying and trying. It's breaking your heart and destroying your soul to see her be mean to BOTH of her brothers, but especially so to your son with DS, as life is presenting him with enough challenges without his own sister being one. YOU don't need this stress, one, you have two other children to take care of, and most of all, IT IS DESTROYING YOU MENTALLY AND THEREFORE PHYSICALLY. You are already carrying around with you the burden of having MS and bc. As you say in your own words, your own daughter appears to want to destroy you, if she can only do it psychologically - then she will feel a victory.
Solution: why not let her live with her father? Reverse the schedule you now have for the children with your ex. You say he wants to get back at you for divorcing him. I have a feeling it was a few years ago, so the man desperately needs to grow up and let go. I know you are a wonderful, loving, beautiful woman, but he blew it, and being cantankerous toward you about your children sure isn't going to make things better.
This would give you a much-needed emotional vacation and your boys, as much as I know they love their sister, would create hopefully a better non-stressful living environment. It's not cutting her off from you and the boys, you are just 'adapting'.
As to the 'family' photos: suggestion to get your daughter to cooperate so you can 'capture' the moment and have it be good: ask your ex if he would like to come and have his photo taken with his children, and at the same time have your photo taken with the children.
Stanzie - I see you here and you keep on trying and trying to talk sense to your daughter in regard to her actions and feeling to others, including you......and none of it works. You are beating your head and your heart against a brick wall (your daughter). Stand back, look at the wall, and instead of trying to get through it, go around.
Since all I have gone through with my son Max, it was done with his father by my side and under the same roof, and none of it was easy. How you deal with all three children, on your own, and MS, along with BC, is amazing. Stanzie, take a moment to give yourself credit for all you have done and tried to do. You are an amazing woman and your own daughter is not able right now to see nor appreciate that. Things can change but maybe if she lives with her Dad, it will give her the distance to see better.
My heart is with you -
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Stanzie- I can hear the frustration and disappointment in your voice and I have been there, too. There have been days I have looked at my DS and wondered, "Who are you and what have you done with my child?!?" Every once in awhile, though, I see glimpses of him in there. I swear that kids today are taught to thrive on drama while it tears us apart. If there isn't any drama (nice home, loving parents, etc.) they will create it to fill that need. I think the mother/child relationship is the hardest during the teen years. We have this vision of what that is supposed to look like but, instead, the mother suddenly becomes the enemy. I don't know why it happens but it seems very common. When it's happening to you it's devastating, though. My theory is that the mothers are usually the disciplinarian so we are the ones they rebel against. Most dads sit back and are content as long as the kids aren't burning the house down or touching their power tools. We're the ones trying to raise our kids to be somewhat civilized, do their homework, keep their rooms from being condemmed, etc. We are the prison wardens and they are constantly trying to escape from prison. I think the dads are more like the parole officers. It doesn't help when you are divorced because that dynamic seems to get worse if my DH and his ex are any example. And the kids love pitting you against each other. For now I would say back off, bite your tongue and go about your life. If she sees she isn't getting to you that is half the battle. If she doesn't want to be part of the family right now then so be it. (Though let her know there are lines she cannot cross like being abusive towards you or her brother.) I know how much you want that perfect family portrait but whose family is perfect? If she chooses not to participate I would put an empty chair in the photo. Then, years (many many more years) later you will laugh about those horrible teen years and the fact she isn't in that year's photo. Then show it to her when she's complaining about her teenage daughter some day. Hang in there! It'll get better. (At least that's what I keep telling myself about a hundred times a day!) (((hugs)))0
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Thanks to you all!!! I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate all the wonderful advice and support. I sent an email asking her Dad to help me with this and of course he ignored the email. But I'm better..... I think something did hit and right now I'm ok with just answering her questions or statements and just not saying anything else. My oldest son asked about the pictures and I did tell him I will be giving her the choice as to whether to participate and she will have to choose something to wear. I'll have to talk to the photographer before hand so he doesn't think I can dress boys but not girls... and because it is the brother of a friend... if it was a stranger it wouldn't matter. Anyway, she came home from school and came into to my room to tell me something!!! That is something she NEVER does. I just answered her and didn't say anything else. I'm thinking this might be it!!! Cause if she actually came to TALK to me that is pretty big. Of course it probably helped that when she got home I was dressed up. She asked where I was going and I told her I had been to a funeral. She didn't ask anything about it but maybe that has something to do with it as well. But Debbie - Yes I think I am calmer about the whole thing cause I have made my mind up that if it is her choice to go live with my ex and it is his choice(as I do NOT want to pay him- horried awful low life .... he hid his assets so he wouldn't have to pay child expenses!- what father does that? just to punish me) Anyway, I'm really ok with it. I think that has made a huge difference in how at least for now I can relate to her cause this has definitely changed our relationship and it will be up to her now.... Anyway, Thank you all!!!!!!!!
Kate- any news???
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Stanzie, you got great advice above and I was going to add in my 2 cents when I read your post to see that you are already getting results! I do know, that with my first H, it seemed to be always me that was trying in the relationship. It wasn't until I stopped trying that he seemed to kick in. So don't let this change be temporary, keep it up!! Our only job as parents while the kids are in the home is to keep them safe and house and feed them. Nourishing their soul is a bonus (if they're lucky!!hehehe) So if she tells you that you are "mean" lately, act surprised and ask which meal she missed, was her bed not in her room last night? etc.... Her abuse to her siblings is pathetic!!! Tell her that. They HATE that word! Will she not shop with you for her own clothes? If not, let her look how she wants, it's her pride or shame involved. By the way, what is DS? Don't let HER ruin the family cirlce!!! Let her Dad take her on, if he even will. She will grow up quikly and learn to appreciate routine and discipline.
Kate, waiting with you!
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Thanks Barb! DS is Down syndrome - I know not to be confused with DS- for Dear son which he certainly is and a hoot. I like the use of pathetic and I like the responce of which mean and such! Thanks! I so wish I had your wit and quick thinking!
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Stanzie, Kate nailed it right on the head! Can't think of a thing to add. Except I remember being a teenage girl once. . .and I was accused of being a bitch. No really. My Drama class spent an entire class telling me "how much" of a bitch I was. They sat in a circle around me while I boo-hoo'd. Mean, and nasty I was. No wonder I didn't have any friends, but we are your friends so thats why we are telling you this. Don't remember much else, just basically in shock. And yes, the teacher instigated it. So enough about me. . . your daughter is going thru a horrible phase, I guess I can relate. I didn't think I was being bitchy. Never really saw myself in the mirror. I'm sure she is using it as a defense mechanism, my parents broke up, my mom has had cancer AND MS, I have a brother with DS. When is it going to be about me? So instead of being super sweet, she is being a bitch. Don't think its a conscious decision. But its her coping mechanism. Counseling would be wonderful--but she has to want to go--good luck with approaching that subject.
BTW, I moved away to college and never went back to my old hs stomping grounds until my reunions. i made a concerted effort in college to be the "it" girl who was nice to everyone and always smiled. I tried. Still do, cuz obviously after, 35 years that day still stings. But I would like to think I'm not that same girl!
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Stanzie, sounds like you are in a much better place with your daughter and I agree with you on your ex. Any man who would hide his assets as to not help financially support his own children is lower than low in my book. Good for you!
Kate: any news?
hopefulhealing: how are you going? Seems our bodies just don't like these multiple surgeries and get cantankerous more with each one. Thinking of you.
Relationships: I know in my dating days I tried to date a few men with ex's and children and no matter how wonderful the guy was, and I could take the kids, as what kid likes to see their father date a woman other than their Mum but could not deal with the ex-wives. Spite City. I was about to become a nun when Jerry walked into my life and as I had had my fill of jerks, when he first asked me out I said no. After he left my office (I was a commercial lending officer in a bank then) my secretary walked in and said 'I'm quiting if you are so stupid to not go on a date with that nice man'. Well, who wants to lose a good secretary, so I called him and said I was available and here we are 33 years later. And all that crap I endured back then about dating a guy 20 years older than me - that it would never work, we were from two different worlds, I would end up taking care of him in his old age and HA, it's me that he has to take care of!
All I can say Stanzie is you now seem to be on the right track with your daughter. You tried to come forward every time and do and please her. Now let her come to you, and as long as she has food and a bed, she has to behave like part of a family to be part of that family. I'm also getting the idea it wouldn't be so good of an atmosphere for your daughter to live with her Dad, too much negative influence. And is your daughter can not return the kindness of her piano teacher, and it upsets you, and she probably doesn't give a hoot about piano lessons now, why torture yourself - drop the lessons. She can pick it up again if she wants.
A couple of you know I went to my PS to see if she could make my bumps (boobs) look better and take the loose skin our from under my arm due to the LD flap and if she could make the lower part of the LD scar on my back quit hurting. NO. She said she was very pleased at the colouring of my tissue as it showed really good perfusion but the skin and pec muscle on the side that was radiated is very fragile and all of the things I consider issues are not worth the danger to fix them. She took photos of me naked front and back and also with my firm fitting short camisole top on that I wear under clothes instead of a bra (my implants are only 200cc and bra bands hurt) and put on her computer and she is right - with my camisole top on, none of what I think of as imperfections are visible. I have tattoos for nipples and aureoles and am very happy with them. She said she wouldn't of made me nipples as it was too dangerous to risk compromising the blood flow if I had wanted that. Her parting advice: keep my top on and quit standing naked in front of the mirror and examining myself. I laughed, then on the 2 hours drive home I cried, but she is right and the surgeries are over for me. #5 was the last a year ago and I have to get my life together. Now I've been on this darn Femara 2 years, so I have to feel I'm almost half way through it.
There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel I'm in. I try to stay positive but the tears and depression still come and all of you make me realize I'm not alone or crazy. Ok, maybe I am crazy, but not crazy-crazy!
It's Friday here - hope we all can at least go in trying to be uplifted and having a good weekend. It's Father's Day here Sunday (I know, strange) and Max is coming home tomorrow and will cook a special dinner for Jerry on Sunday. My dog Jaki completely abandons me when he comes home and is by his side all the time instead of with me but I know they love each other and somehow Jaki knows when he comes it's only for a few days.
My dog, Jaki, well, sometimes, in fact most of the time, I actually think she is the only one here who really 'gets' me. If my voice has a 'worry' sound to it she comes and paws me for a cuddle, yet she is trying to comfort me. If I cry she cuddles me and licks my tears. She has coffee with me in the morning on the porch and since I only have 50% of my hearing and often don't hear the phone ring in another room, she races to the phone to alert me. If I'm feeling down and am on my bed, she is right beside me. Sometimes I think I'm really becoming a 'nutter' when my best friend is my Jaki dog.
Take care everyone!
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AWWW Debbie my Charlie is my BFF these days as well. There is nothing wrong with the genuine unconditional love our pets give us and we give them. I was thinking the other day where would I be without my Sadie and Charlie...in bed under the covers is my guess. They give me a reason to get up each morning and are so excited to see me at the end of a long crappy work day. They comfort me when I am sad and make me laugh and smile when no one else is around...not crazy at all!
I know how you feel about the imperfections we see in our recon. No one will ever get it. My BS said to me the goal of recon today is to not have you cry everytime you take your clothes off..my PS says he sets the bar very high but they both understand how important that is. I say if you are not happy seek another opinion until someone says something that makes you happy.
Claire I can NOt even begin to imagine 1. you being a bitch and 2. the entire class going off on you. How horrible and the teacher instigated this?!?! These days the teacher would be fired...you would sue the school board and be on the Today show sitting next to Gloria Allred talking about the irreversable damage you suffered in the trauma of that life lesson. But since we didnt do that when we were young..we sucked it up and moved forward. Good for you for being able to do that..you are a better person than me...i would have seeked vengence....mmmuuuuaaaahhhhaaahhhaa
Ok so today I met with my new Onc and I really like him. All my labs were good but I told him about my bleeding and cramps and fatigue. He ordered a full thyroid panel (eventhough I just had one in April) and a TV ultrasound (I cant type the words out since it makes me hurt to think about) He said he wanted to do it right away so its TOMORROW...I got a lot of waxing to do tonight
Also he said if that comes back negative he would order a cat scan of my abdomin...he said (and I like this part) WE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS FATIGUE AND ALL! I was like YEAAAAHHH an onc that is actually listening to me and not making me feel like a crazy person or dismissing my pains as a bowel movement in waiting. He said he wanted to run everything before changing my Tamoxifen (maybe 10mg instead of 20mg) to exhaust all other possibilities first. I love him!! After I left his office I had to run to BEst buy to get a new computer...booooo spending money...My computer is a blink away from crashing so I had to run out and get a new one so I can finish work..I have two more tax returns to prepare for the 15th deadline quickly approchign and I cant go in the office this weekend due to the Grand Prix race in the city so I have to work remotely and cant do it if my computer doesnt work...plus I cant chat with you lovelies if I dont have a working computer. My poor charlie is not having a good day...he's been home alone (no daycare since the City is impossible to navigate with the race set up) and I have been setting up my new computer and chatting since I got home. OK I gotta go love on my puppy ..he is literally heavy sighing and pouting.
Stanzie before I forget I am sorry about your daughter issues...I dont have any so its hard to offer advice. I have always been the fun aunt that spoils my nieces and nephews rotten so they never give me attitude. I have no wisdom to bestow upon you. I can only say this too shall pass..Maybe she needs a day of pampering with just you and her.
Ok back to work ...
Good night ladies...hugs to all
Diane
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I love this saying! This is so true. I was talking to my husband about the fact that they treat you for cancer and knock the ---- out of you and then say, Okay all better, see ya! Then you leave a mere shell of the wowan you were. It seems to me there is very little after support. Just getting thrown thru menopause at 40 something is enough to deal with not to mention the emotional and physical stuff.
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I saw this bumper sticker today and just thought I would share
Whatever doesn't kill you, requires a co-pay!
ain't it the truth
I have been trying biofeedback. I had my 2nd appt today. It was very interesting. The doc (she is a MD) has a computer program that measures your heart beat variation. She puts a tiny cuff on my finger and we can watch my heart rhythm change as she guides me through deep breathing exercises. We started out with her saying for me to think of something that made me anxious so I thought of trying to load new software onto my laptop, my heart line was all jagged and jerky. Then after breathing for a short time it got all smooth and wavy. We are trying to turn my fight or flight response (which I seem to be in all the time since rads) into a relaxation response. It sounds so hokey. But I am just so anxious all of the time, especially when I start coughing and feel like I can't breathe. I am hoping it will help me get through the trip to pulmonary specialist on Tuesday.
Diane, whoo hoo for a doc that listens and wants to get to the answer. Hope the new computer was a snap to set up.
stanzie, I had to think about my teenage daughter as a baby or toddler, as soon as I thought I had her figured out she would change. Those hard times we just had to ride through, I did have to stick to the rules and be strict, even though she said she hated me. I knew my job was to keep her safe. I live on a main road, one day I was going out to get the mail from the mailbox on the street, I saw my DD drive by with 3 friends in the car during high school hours. I called the school and told them that they were skipping class. That did not make me the most popular parent at the time. LOL The hardest part of being a parent is being present all the time. Paying attention to our children and talking, talking, talking. It's a hard job!
claire, that was just so mean! of course, you are not that same girl, that experience would traumatize anyone.
since my DS has gone back to school, my dog is my only companion. She is only 18 months old and full of beans, so she keeps me entertained.
hugs to all
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