Great saying about depression
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Finally got the call from the doctor's office and they said something showed up on my bone scan. They called it an "increased uptake on the sternum". I guess uptake refers to the amount of radioactive material taken in on the bone during the scan. They said it indicates possible (emphasis on possible) infection, fracture or tumor. They are now sending me for a cat scan which will be scheduled asap. They said they'd call me back tomorrow morning with more information. Really trying not to freak out but I feel the panic bubbling beneath the surface. So trying to take deep breaths and tell myself it's nothing. But I think the days of being able to say that and truly believe it are long past all of us, huh? Oh well, one step at a time.
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OOOh Kate, I'm so sorry. But it aint nothing till its something. Or don't play guessing games until you get better test results. Why do they make us go thru all these different tests? Why can't one just give us the answer we need?RRGGHH!!! Well, I'm right here breathing with you, in. . . and out. . . in. . . and out. . . in. . . . . and out. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Oh Kate, I'm so sorry. You are right, remember to breathe. I hope the CAT scan can be right away. Think of all of us here being right there with you.
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Oh sweetie!! Of course you're thinking the worst!! We have to be prepared. Then any other news is good news!!! My results were kind of backwards, I had the MRI that showed bony growths and then the bone scan that showed uptake. They are assuming that my bony overgrowths are caused by arthritis instead of mets. I'm going along with that plan because that's all I can handle right now. I can never get another MRI due to the pacemaker but the Onc said a CT would be good enough. You have had a number of surgeries that can, each of them, cause Costochondritis which is inflamation of the rib and sternum bones. That would show as an uptake. I pray that is all you are dealing with. Remember, your cancer hadn't broken through your ducts, you have a GREAT chance of never dealing with breast cancer again. But, having said that, I have Costochondritis and it's very, very painful!!!! Any inflamation of the bone is....
BIG hugs to you, sweetie!!! Please, please let us know when your CT is. You are in my prayers.
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Hopeful - my thoughts will be with you tomorrow for a smooth and uncomplicated surgery and recovery - it's about time and well deserved.
Claire - sorry to hear you oldest hasn't been doing his best at uni. My son only just passed 6 out of 7 courses last year and a full load would of been 8 for the year and that was with living at home. I knew he wasn't studying based on the number of hours he was watching tv or on the computer. Mind you, he used the internet like a library and is always looking things up but he didn't quite get the part where you have to study and apply yourself to pass. Then he decided this year he wanted to move to the city and change universities. He was only offered a place at his last choice and he cried to me (yes, he's 18) that they didn't like him. I said no, they didn't like his history of past grades. Oh, and finally the Dr put him on antidepressants which he needed since my diagnosis when he fell into a deep depression with anxiety....so he starts the new year with 2 housemates and manages to pass 3 out of 4 courses, one of those with a 'high distinction' and the other 'distinction', and one fail. I just said to him every time he fails a course it's like chucking $3,500 out the window to blow away in the wind and he had a student loan for tuition that he would have to pay every cent of (we have decided it was the only way he would learn - us paying for his mistakes doesn't work). Guess what, after he told me these last semester's grades he said this next semester he was going to 'dedicate' himself to doing the best he could. I hope so, as he is smart...wouldn't you have to be to get a 'high distinction' in some kind of advanced maths class? and a distinction in economics?
My point is, they are old enough that now they have to learn on their own. If your son Claire loses his scholarships and has to work to go to uni or take out a loan, well, that might be a lesson he has to take on. It's not on your shoulders - though I know how you feel it. They will always be our children.
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Oh My I cannot begin to keep up right now! Hopeful thinking about you with your surgery and hoping the very best and most wonderful outcome for you. Also hoping this is the last surgery as you will be so thrilled with results. Please let us know.... hoping and praying for you!!!!
Kate!!!!!! I like what Barb has to say and it makes sense. Try try TRY not to freak out!!! It will be OK, as it HAS to be OK! hang in there and let us know what on earth we can do for you! Call me I PM'd my numbers! Worried about you!
As for newbies!!! More later! can't write more at the moment but glad you are here and have found this thread- the most lovely and amazing women here and very knowledgable and so supportive - so welcome but sorry you have to be on this site at all.... more tomorrow!
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Sorry I havent posted super busy with work and not feeling great.
Hopeful..i will be in your pocket too!! Good luck tomorrow ..will be sending positive vibes your way for a smooth and speedy recovery!
Kate sent pm ...love you!!!!
Write more later. Internet is down cant type a lot in my DROID.
Good night all!! Love you ladies!!!!!!
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sorry, can't follow you all at the time. just stopped bye to say hello.. (the old groucho marx "hello i should be going.." lol
just wantedyou to know im praying for good results for you all. (even in univ..) 3jays
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Thanks everyone for the wishes and reassurances. I'm feeling better today. It was just a shock yesterday as I wasn't expecting anything to show up on the bone scan. I'm really positive this isn't BC related so just have to jump through the hoops now to figure out what it is. I'll keep you posted.
So I'm totally bummed as I realized that none of my posts from yesterday morning showed up on any of my threads. WTH? I also lost a really lengthy PM I sent. GRRRRRR!!!
If it's showing up on everyone else's end sorry if I'm repeating myself-Debbie- You do stained glass? How cool! When we designed our house we put in an arched window that was always meant to have stained glass in it but we never got around to having it done. Hmmm, maybe I could fly in an artist from Doonan to commission it for us!
Claire- I'm sorry about the problems with your DH but appreciate your honesty in talking about it. I think this fallout of BC is an issue more than anyone realizes but no one talks about it. My DH and I have had our own struggles between BC, menopause and his Parkinson's. We both acknowledge how much we love each other, that there's no one else in the world for us, but things are just a struggle right now. I think if you and your DH can just talk about things it goes along way towards feeling intimate again. I do miss the carefree days of BC (before cancer, not breast cancer), though.
Hopeful- Sent you a PM but just know you're in our thoughts today as we are in your pocket. I just know that all is going to go well. I know how hard it has been with all these surgeries because of someone else's mistake. I wish everyone who contributed to that would be made aware of how their actions can so negatively affect someone's life. I hope today helps you move towards healing. (((hugs)))
my3sunz- Sorry to hear about your exDH. My DH has Parkinson's so I can understand your feelings so well. Some days I wonder if this is as good as it is going to get and what the future will hold. It has made us treasure our time together, though, and each good day is a gift.
Shirley- So glad you were able to find a local support group that works for you. The ladies here are my support group and they are amazing. It really does help so much to find others to talk to who get it completely! Good luck with finding an onc you can connect with, too.
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Hopeful - thinking of you today and wishing you a wonderful outcome!
Kate - so so sorry you're being put through this awful waiting game! Sending you a huge hug and positive, happy thoughts.
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Hopeful, thinking of you and looking forward to hearing a sigh of relief that it's all over and done...right!!!! (As Mike Holmes would say, hehehehe)
So, if my daughter had de-friended me on Faceboo, that meant she couldn't see any of my posts. So....I emailed her the poem I wrote. Nothing else, just the poem. This is the response I got:
Aww that's beautiful mom! Thanks! Xoxo
Now what the heck do I do?????? She didn't "re-friend me..." Do I just leave it hanging and figure the ball in in her court??
Kate, glad you're getting some distance from hearing those words yesterday. I can honestly say that I know how it feels to hear "there was some uptake". It's very surreal.
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barbe- You're right- surreal. I'm feeling pretty calm about it today, though. As far as your daughter I wouldn't push the facebook thing right now. Maybe in an email you could just ask her to email you photos of your grandson every once in awhile. That way you give her some space but still feel involved in your grandson's life and how he is doing. Then, maybe after some time has passed, you can test the waters and if it feels right send her another friend request.
Hopeful- You should be back home now and (I hope) resting comfortably. I know that hero husband of yours is taking good care of you. Let us know how you're doing when you're up to it. Gentle, gentle (((hugs))).
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Good advice, thanks Kate. I needed another viewpoint to know if I just let it rest for now.
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barbe- Many years ago my DH and I went to a marriage retreat. One of the things they talked about was there were two kinds of people- turtles and hailstorms. During any conflict those that are turtles pull themselves into their shells and want to be left alone to process everything before proceeding. Hailstorms want to talk about the problem and fix it right NOW! (We realized that my DH is the turtle and I am the hailstorm, BTW. lol!) It can be very frustrating for the hailstorm when the turtle won't engage which makes us hail even more. I think after BC I am even worse than before because I see how short life is and I want quick fixes to all of life's problems. Let's talk about it and move on! But turtles have to process things slowly and eventually come to some sort of common ground. Once I realized our differences it helped us during conflicts. Not sure if any of this helps your situation, but if your daughter is a turtle and you're the hailstorm, it might. 0
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Thanks for sharing the quote. I really needed to hear it today...
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kate, ithink you just described hubby and me. i want it handled right away and he is very slow to make ant decision. makes for interesting moments at times. 0
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barbe - that is so wonderful the response you got from your daughter to your poem. Maybe you should just answer her back, like thank you but don't ask why she defriended you or ask if she is coming to the birthday party or when can you see your grandson - communicate but don't make demands or asks!
Kate: my heart is with you on your quest to find out exactly what is going on with your sternum - maybe it's scar tissue from all the surgeries and muckings around near there?
Look on my facebook page and you'll be able to see a few of the stained glass pieces I've done. When we moved into this old house I cut the double front doors out and made door panels, did the sidelights and the overhead panel. I wish I had the money to fly to your place and do your arched window - I do think stained glass is magic they way the light reflects through it.
3jaysmom: good to hear from you - even briefly - I remember that remark from Grocho Marx - he was funny. Thanks for you good wishes for us all and our sons.
I'm off to see the PS in the big city today - 2 hours away at 4:15 and am working myself into a right royal panic. Just want to see if she can do something to decrease the never-ending pain I have along the bottom 1/3rd of my LD back scar, make my left boob quit wandering to my armpit and take the saggy skin out from under the LD side arm. If I had more fat on me it wouldn't show, but I don't and it does.
Kate: the analogy from your marriage retreat sure just helped me heaps! Many thanks. I am the hailstorm and Jerry is the turtle. And boy, do I hail when the pressure is on! I am a 'let's dive in and get this settled/done person and Jerry is a 'proceed with all caution or hope it doesn't have to be dealt with' type. After being together 33 years you'd think I would of figured that out and I know I am known a the 'strong' one in our family - but gee, gals, I get tired of that role, and then I get mad.
Like many of you have been open and mentioned here, BC and the Femara I take have taken any any sexual drive for me and it's taken some getting used to but finally my DH understands it's the medication not me and I do love him - I just can't show it that way anymore. Makes me sad, as between us gals, I used to love how we shared and talked in bed before the sex part and the cosiness afterward. mmmmm
Like you Kate, since BC I want things in the way over and dealt with, so that means head-on sometimes, but I don't want to waste time. Jerry is 78 and in good health, but it can't last forever. I often worry, as we don't have any close family but a couple of really BFF's that we have put our 18 year old son in a situation where by the time he is in his late 20's he won't have us. I hope not. Morbid, I know. Jerry's parents lived to their late 80's and didn't take care of themselves and my Nanna lived til 90!
On a happier note, kudos for you again barbe, that your daughter responded and all of us need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and tell BC to go screw itself! (sorry if I offend anyone by my language)
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Gee, I went back to work today after being off for a while and where did I end up? On this thread.. Can't believe I haven't posted here before. It always helps to know there are like-minded souls.
Hope you don't mind if I pop in to say "hi" every once in a while. I see a few familiar faces so I don't feel too much like a "newbie"
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Oh gumshoe can I relate! I went back to work the 1st week in August for 1 day ... came home that night & lost it ... back on disability again. My new return to work date is Sep 4th & I'm terrified. The thought of everyone asking the dreaded question 'what happened?' People tend to understand the physical aspects of BC, but when it comes to the emotional side most are clueless.
Kate - thinking about you!! Thanks for the note about Hailstorms & Turtles ... I'm right there w/you and my DH is definitely a Turtle. Loved it!
Barbe - I agree with Justagirl, perhaps a brief email response back to your daughter reminding her how much you love her.
Hopeful - Gentle hugs to you sweety ... rest well!
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Thinking about you Hopeful.
Barb- great advice -I know you just must at least feel relieved she answered you and nicely!
Kate..... thinking of you...
Diane- sorry you are not feeling well, noticed I hadn't seen postings in while and was going to write..
I can't comment on marriage but certainly can on boy friend and cancer pretty well put him out of the picture so yes it does carry many struggles but also some of the lucky once have found huge support and help from their hubbies so hopefully in the long run he will be able to help you more.
Grrrr. had a rough day yesterday after finally coming home late after helping the elderly couple and found my babysitter's car in the driveway. She usually picks up my son from the bus at 4:15- it is now well after 5:00pm. I start frantically calling... Well yesterday is my ex-husbands day and we both gave the nice elderly bus driver papers with all our numbers on it and who picks up on which day. Come to find out the driver came upon a tree down just a couple of blocks from my street and he stopped and call my home(I'm not there)- he doesn't call ANYONE else (6 numbers listed) and turns around and drives my son all the way back to school which is over a 1/2 away. There are two ways to have gotten around the fallen tree and both are right where he stopped, didn't ask the policeman how to get around just drove him back to school so by the time I was able to get him from school it was after 6:00pm! You would think bus drivers might have a map or somthing in the car - or course he could have called someone other than the empty house .... ugh! Felt so terrible for my son......
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Stanzie, that is ridiculous on the bus driver!!! I hope you complain to the school board. Did the driver WAIT with your son at least?? If not, why not!! He would be abandoning his position for which he is entrusted by the parents and school who use him. I am so angry for you I could spit!!!!!
Kate, that is an amazing analogy. My son is definitely a hail storm as he was the one who sent the emails on. Sadly, I think I'm a turtle - passive/aggressive. Enough to bitch to you guys, but not strong enough to face my daughter!!! Who knew!! People assume I'm so strong because I have a loud personality (not in volume) but really I'm a suck and run at the first sign of a confrontation. My daughter knows this. I did just email her back and said "It was written with love, sweetie." That's all I said. Thanks for the advice.
gumshoe and my3sunz, I went back to work 2 1/2 weeks after my double mast and then lost it last year in June which would have been 1 1/2 years LATER! I didn't deal with it properly the first time around and really paid for that. Staying off work for a bit more is healthier than trying to plow through right now. Good luck to both of you!
Debbie, are you in my friends on Facebook and I just don't realize your last name?
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Diane- Hope today you woke up feeling better! I know you're reading but we miss your posts, too!
Debbie- Your stained glass is beautiful! How fun to be able to create something so amazing and lasting, too. Hope your PS appointment went well and she had some answers for you. I know how much chronic pain can drain you and I really believe that is where my own depression lies.
gumshoe- I think no matter how much time passes there will be moments in our life when we feel the need to be around others who have "walked the walk" that we have. Pop in anytime!
Stanzie- I would be so angry with what happened with that bus driver! I swear....where do they hire these people? No common sense or compassion. I would suggest taking your home phone number off and putting your cell on instead. That way they can always reach you. But they should have tried all your numbers!
I'm still waiting on orders for the cat scan. I got a call from the doctor's office saying my insurance is requiring a doctor-to-doctor call for verification. So aggravating! My doctor is supposed to take care of it this morning and should get a call this afternoon telling me how to schedule.
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Debbie, I have 8 Deb/Debbies on my Facebook list, but you're not one of them! I don't know how to find you...do I need your email address or just your last name or would you prefer I don't find you?
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Hey everyone, I try to hang with the older women with more sense but I have lost my sense and my brain and today my hope. I lurk on lots of different threads but don't post much because I am not sure where I fit. Today I don't fit in my skin.
I got good news about my echo this morning. My heart is in good shape. You would think I would be happy. So it ruled out pulmonary hypertension, but does not help us to understand what is going on with my lungs. My new doc said to keep the appt with the pulmonary specialist in Sept, when I asked about getting a portable nebulizer to take with me (tip from 3jays), she said I shouldn't need one. The trip to Boston takes 12 hours round trip with the boat ride. I use 2 different neb meds 4x a day. So my drug adled brain says oh, ok, I must be crazy, I am making too big a deal about this, I must be a big baby. And I sank into a deep, dark place. I reached out to my mental health provider and have an er appt tomorrow am. And thank God for sas, who called and talked me through the part that I forget about being on all these medications fools with my brain and my emotions. So I came here and have been reading. I know I am not alone and I am slowly coming back up to the surface.
barbe, I am having a hard time thinking of you as a turtle rather than a hailstorm.
I definitely shut down when confronted and then hours later think of all the things I shoulda said or done.
anyhow, thanks everyone for being here and sharing about your lives.
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macatacmv! Oh I'm so sorry! Well you certainly fit in here!!! I'm not sure I understand about all the meds and such you are taking but if you have help from 3-jays and from Sas I'd say you picked some wonderful helpers. They both have been through a tremendous amount. Hang in there - it will get better. Please come vent and share and we will do all we can to support you and help in anyway we can.Glad your heart is good!
Barb- I will say turtle vs hailstorm - I'd never have guessed turtle either. Well if you are passive/aggressive maybe you can help me understand my daughter as she is definately passive/aggressive while i'm hailstorm with perhaps a hurricaine and tornado thrown in for good measure. My Doc says it is partly MS which causes me under stress or fatigue to have my emotions just come boiling out. I asked what I can do and he said take naps. Not exactly what I was going for.
So today I brought home 4 dresses for her to try on for these pictures we are having done and I was going to be at the elderly couple house so asked my babysitter to take pictures as she would be more comfortable trying on clothes with her rather than me. Anyway, I said for her to try them on with her black flats. Well not thinking but my black flats were in the kitchen so they both tried and tried to get her feet in my shoes!!! She wears 9 1/2 -10 and I'm 6-61/2 LOL! I'm sorry I didn't see that!
So today he didn't get home till 5:oopm as the bus broke down! So someone else brought him home- another driver. Hoping my Ex who will see him in the Am will be able to take care of things but he isn't good at this...
Well, I can't wait to look and see the stained glass!!! Oh you so need to live closer, Debbie!
Oh Kate- hate Hate all the red tape! Hope you get an apt by this afternoon!
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Thanks for the welcome ladies. I will pop in sometimes I think. Yes, I do feel like everyone else is going "Okay! This is done, now let's get on with normal life." But as you all know, nothing is normal.
Barb, I have a hard time thinking of you as a turtle too but we are ALL different around our kids! I know I am.
Hi macatacmv - I don't know anything about your medications either but I do know that it's easy to feel at a disadvantage if you think you are making a big deal about something and someone tells you that you shouldn't be. If you don't feel comfortable making the trip then maybe you can ask for a portable nebulizer just because it will make you feel less anxious? Maybe just having it will make you feel better.
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barbe - silly goose I am. I should of told you how to find me - I'm Debra Lefkowitz, Doonan, Australia....it probably should be Debbie or Debs as no one but my stepmother when she was mad called me Debra but when I was signing up I did it and so I guess its done.
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I am back from my beautiful weddings. The first very casual and the next more formal but both very nice and lots of fun.
My DH and Mother had their issues which adds to the stress of traveling with both. They both get on each other's nerves and then they get angry with each other over the littlest things. Mostly DH's fault as his alcoholism has gotten the best of his patience at times. Then my Mother decides that it is time to move from her home to a Sr. living facility, especially since her assault last month. She looked at a facility near my Brother's home but really did not like it so I took her to a more upscale one near me. A bit pricier but think she can afford it and the view the unit she liked will have is incredible - over Sarasota Bay in FL. I can imagine the stress this is going to place on both her and me as she is a hoarder so we will have an incredible challenge in getting her to let go of a lot of stuff. I guess it also means I may have to clean up my disaster of a condo so if she comes over she can't criticize.
My elbow is coming along. Pain is less and I can use it somewhat and can go to water aerobics. I also managed to go on a kayak tour in Delaware while we were there for one of the weddings.
Kate - hope you don't have to wait too long to get some answers.
Stanzie - I can't believe a bus driver could be allowed to take your child back to school. You said driver is "elderly" so perhaps it is time he retires from children in school buses. Sounds like he is irresponsible.
Barbe - so sorry about your situation with your daughter and hope she finds it in her heart to reconcile.
Welcome Gumshoe.
Sorry I have to vent about the Mother issue but figure this is the place to do it rather than to her or DH.
Hugs and good thoughts to all.
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macatacmv- I think what you said about not fitting in your skin is a good description of how we have all felt. My body always felt like home and now it feels like one of those roadside motels- temporary and run down. The physical stuff seems easy compared to just trying to be comfortable in your own skin again. It doesn't help when you're struggling with other challenges, too, and no one acknowledges how hard that is. People think you shouldn't make a big deal out of things but after BC everything seems like a big deal. I hope it helps that we all understand what you're feeling.
barbe- I think there's a consensus going on because I had you pegged for a hailstorm, too!
Stanzie- Hailstorm with a hurricane and tornado- LOL!!!!
Delilah- It's so hard to see our parents age. I keep thinking I want to freeze time so they are always the parent and I can keep being the child. At some point the roles reverse, though, don't they? I don't envy the hoarder situation. My DH had to deal with that with his Dad and it's quite the chore.
So no call from the doctor today but I did meet with a gastroenterologist this afternoon and really liked her. Having an upper GI on the 5th (with a side of colonoscopy because I'm overdue). Not looking forward to it at all but if I have to do it I'm glad I found a doctor I like.
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Delilah, how sad that your Mother is "harrassed" in to senior living by some thugs!! Is she okay with it? Sometimes a move is a good thing. A purging is always a good thing.
Debbie, the only Debra Lefkowitz I see is from Massachusetts!!! Help!! I am Barbara Downey, Alliston, Ontario. Anyone can grab me on Facebook if they like.
gumshoe, stick around!!! We NEED someone who doens't need US!!
Stanzie, I HATE being passive/aggresive but I HATE confrontation more!! I cry!!! What it means is that I'm angry about something (think of your daughter here) but am too chicken to stand up for myself to make sure I get it. I am shy. Seriously. VERY shy. I'm okay when I'm in my element, like in my quilt store when I had it, but I avoid social get togethers all the time. I have no BFFS. No social circle. You guys are my BFFS. I am confident, which may sound backwards to what I just said, but I'm intelligent and know that I'm smart. I often have to "dumb" myself down to get along in work situations. I actually have a genious IQ, but the rest of the world doesn't so it's very hard to fit in. My bro is the same way. So, does any of this sound like your daughter? Slamming doors rather than face-to-face? Silence rather than words? That's me!!!
Mac, so glad to hear that your heart is okay. Could you have a medical transfer team take you to Boston? Here, it's like an ambulance, but they just transfer patients. Would that make you feel safer so far away from your meds? Don't let the doc push you....
Okay, here's my new condundrum. Kate's situation got me thinking about my results, as I DID have uptake but they ASSUME it's my bad back. I have new bony growths on my spine which showed the uptake. I have a bum knee right now and my back has ALWAYS been bad. Never has it shown uptake! And my knee should have at least shown SOME uptake. So, now I'm wondering if this might be mets. Do you see what I mean? My DDD and other back issues (and neck!!) have NEVER lit up the bone scan. All of a sudden I do get uptake and they're passing it off as my bum back. Should I get a second opinion?? YES!!! I am going to!!!! I have made that decision as I typed this out! Thank you for being there, my BFFS!!!
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