Great saying about depression
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Barb!!! I so get that - well at least one person got it but maybe one day your family will understand and hopefully it won't be cause they have it themselves.
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Hi: I simply could not get out of mine. I then got PTSS and the side effect of the aromatse I take also has depression as a "high" side effect.
Too often I feel I'm under a black cloud and having had Inflammatory Breast Cancer, does not help....as I know the long term prognosis is not good.
I just am no longer happy or interested in many things...just Blah, as the side effects of the aromatose are plain ugly.
Thank you for listening.
trudy
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Trudy, you just come here any time you want - happy or sad or depressed and we will listen.
I was dignosed March 16, 2010 and had my last surgery October 2011, and I'm still trying to climb out of what I call the 'Depression Pit', as it's a hole I sure don't want to be in and I'm tired of it and I know my son and husband are using all their resources to deal with me trying to 'cope'....coping is not something I do especially well at now - or to say I can cope with something 'going on' and then I fall apart.....lots of little pieces of me all over the place.
If you are taking Femara like I am, I do think, feel and have read (this is the RN in me) that it can cause these feelings I have of doom, gloom, apathy and the feeling like now I am a complete failure in life. There I was 57 - feeling good, doing triathlons, working long hard hours in my gardens and wham bang, I'm the bald skinny bitch from hell with 5 surgeries in less than 2 years and at least one more to go.
SO, if you have these feelings, with or without Femara, it's perfectly natural for women dealing with breast cancer - or so I think.
Some of us here have other medical issues, but this breast cancer one seems to of just 'knocked our socks off' and rendered many of us to tears and I know I feel many days I'm just not doing as good as I should be doing and I'm letting my son and husband down.
I want to go back to my 'before bc time' so when I wake up in the morning I look out the window and admire how blue the sky is with it's silky white threads of clouds or go to sleep at night to the sound of the much needed rain coming down on our tin roof - a lovely melody. I am tired of waking up at night with nightmares about BC.
So far the only thing that has helped me is the women here, we may seem to be a small select group but I think there are a lot of women with BC out there that just won't admit to being depressed or having PTSD or PTSS (new name). At least we are brave enough to admit our depression, now just to decrease it....and I know I am, one small baby step at a time.
My GP, a lovely lady, feels it takes at least 2 to 3 years after your last treatment or surgery for these feelings of despair to lessen, and I believe her - she confided in me she had BC 20 years ago. She also said she can't imagine how Femara taking all the estrogen out of my body can be any good for my psyche but believes it is effective to decrease the chance of a recurrence and I need to keep on taking it.
It's okay to be blah, not happy or interested in many things - I do know for me time alone with my dog Jaki has helped me the most. I don't want to fake being interested in other people's trivial going ons and I don't want to talk to people about my bc except for here, with my husband and my two BFF's both of whom have not had bc, but 'get me' and love me unconditionally. You will find out now who your friends really are and which family members have a place for you in their hearts.
Come back Trudy and talk to us!
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Trudy, Debbie said it all so well I'm not sure I can add anything except that you are not alone. Even though you feel like a dark cloud is hanging over you, I see myself right beside you in the shadow. It is just too much effort to reach out at times, but you have made the first step by posting here. I think Debbie is right and most women ignore the feeling of depression, though they long for their previous selves, they just can't put a name to their feeling. It's us here, that have named our pain. Knowing what we have makes taking care of it easier. Have you talked to your doctor to see if gentle meds could ease you through the worst parts or are you okay working through the darkness without anything? I think I was TOO medicated when I was going through it all (for another reason, not cancer) and then it all hit me a year ago and I had to stop working. My back is what keeps me officially off work, but I know it was my PTSD that made me leave. Thank God for Long Term Disabiliity!! I didn't even know I had it at work!! Now I know why I suffered through 4 years of crap at that job...it was to get the LTD in the end!! The Universe works in mysterious ways....
Please feel free to be happy here, sad, depressed, excited, low, blue and all the feelings in between. We don't have to be funny and/or chipper here and NONE of us have rose coloured glasses!! We don't consider our cancer a "blessing in disguise" either!!!! Welcome, you have taken the first step to healing.
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I remember one 'well meaning person' say to me when I said how depressed and anxious me having breast cancer made my 16 year old son "well, it will just make Max (my son) stronger in the end)" .
Gee Whiz, my son has to go through this to grow up strong! What a wacko world.
Or the other great saying ' you know you have to keep a positive outlook as it will make all the difference' - from a RN in my Dr's office whom I have known personally for 15 years.
Or the infamous: ' only the women who are strong enough to deal with breast cancer get it'
Well, well, well, I don't want to be positive all the time, or strong, or see my son down and out - thank you very much.
Trudy - be aware, some people you will come in contact with will say some very unusual and hurtful things to you. They are stupid and uncaring and ignoramous!
PS: Hi barbe!
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' you know you have to keep a positive outlook as it will make all the difference'
I think people who say this to me know that if I have a positive outlook, it will be easier for them. Their statement has nothing to do with me. I've gotten so I smile nicely and cross them off my list. From someone at work or in my neighborhood, I can understand. From a nurse in a doctor's office, there is no excuse. I guess it gets her through the day.
Justagirl - Your son is lucky to have such an understanding and wonderful mother!
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Just thought I'd update that my daughter had cut me off as a Facebook friend. I didn't realize it as I could still see her page, but there was a blank spot. Realized the blank spot was new stuff. So now I'm not able to see new pictures of my grandson!!!! How cruel is THAT??? I did accidently, maybe on purpose, dunno, but asked to "friend" me. She hasn't yet....sigh.
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Golden, you should call the nurse up on that comment. It's inappropriate. Just ask her if all the ladies that died didn't have positives attitudes!! Make her THINK!!
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Barbe - So sorry about your daughter "de-friending" you. I hope it won't be long until you are seeing the pictures of that precious grandson again. It was "justagirl" who the nurse made the comment to but it made my blood boil this morning just reading her post and thinking about that insensitive nurse - even before my second cup of coffee.
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I'm afraid I can top that one.... 2 days after my diagnosis while I'm still reeling, the first PS I went to not only told me I needed a more positive attitude but told me I was hurting my chances of recovery then told me to go buy books on that China Cancer diet and that I needed to pull myself together.... I can actually still start to shake thinking about this horrible man then he made me go into a huge room surrounded by mirrors, strip and this young look alike clone of all the women there came in to take pictures and she kept messing up so she kept telling me to stand there with my arms out or up - Oh it was just total tortue and I ended up crumpling on the floor sobbing - she just walked out on me.
No - not the PS I used but he probably was a better surgeon than the sloppy negligent one I did have....
Kate - how are you??? What is the news?
Barb- I just think she is still mad over the email exchange - surely she will "friend" you back. Wow, how old IS she? I can see if she was in highschool but obviously older so ??? I'm so sorry!
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Stanzie- No call from the doctor today! I'm kind of upset. I had my cell glued to my side all day for nothing. If I don't hear anything by tomorrow at noon I'm going to be calling them. Or, better yet, leave a voice mail tonight. Hopefully it's no news is good news?
barbe- They really should have a 3 day waiting period for defriending on Facebook. I bet you anything she regretted it as soon as she clicked on it but it was too late. She probably has too much pride now to admit it. You two definitely need a sit down and a clearing of the air. I hope you can work things out. Having drama in your life is so draining, emotionally and physically, which is the last thing you need but I swear some people just thrive on it and seek it out. I don't understand what they get out of it other than making everyone around them miserable. Hopefully, as she matures and deals with issues with her own child she will start to understand. It's just so hard in the meantime I know.
Trudy- Just want to welcome you, too. The other women have summed it up so perfectly. Just know we all understand what you're going through because we have or are going through it, too. I really think it helped so much being able to come here and get it all out and know there were others who truly knew what I was feeling. I hope you'll be helped, too. (((hugs)))
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Kate - So sorry about the waiting. It is so hard. I'd give them until 9 am (okay, maybe 9:15) tomorrow before you call.
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Stanzie - I could just go punch that first PS and his photo taker in the guts for what humiliation they put you through. The first PS I went to 8 years ago to have my double breast reduction made me feel like I wasn't good or rich enough to be in his office and his staff were worse...but as a RN I knew he was an amazing PS and he did do a great but very $$$$ job. I would of never gone back to him, and especially for something as delicate as reconstruction after a DM.
Barbe - I feel for you with your daughter. Even my son at 18 lets me into his facebook page, because nowadays you should have a decorum of common sense on what you post as it may come back to haunt you. Anyway, Barbe, sadly, your daughter is acting like a very young and immature teenager and I don't think you trying your best to get back in her life or that of your grandson's is doing anything for your overall well-being. Maybe your DH could have a FB page and he could 'friend' your daughter and then you can see the photos of your Grandson that way. I know devious, but whatever works.
Yes, it was to me that that lovely comment about maintaining a positive attitude was said. This RN, also happens to be a distant social friend and her husband, who used to be my Dr., owns the medical practice I go to. When his caseload got so full he asked me if I would try one of the new Dr's in his office and I did and all was fine but he still will make house calls to me. Can you believe it in this day and age? It is handy he lives 2 minutes away, but it is relief for me when I am in the throes of a bad migraine that he will come to the house and he knows how nervous my husband gets when I hurt, so I never said or did anything about her remark. Also, one time when this Dr wasn't even in town, I called him on his cell phone to see if he could come to the house and medicate me and he was on the other side of Australia and he called his wife (that RN) and she came over and gave me an injection.....so when she made that remark, as Golden said, I just wiped her off my 'social friend' list but went no further. Her husband is a love - how he has stayed married to her?????....now I know all the rumours of him playing around might be true and I can see why....catty, aren't I?
KATE - where are you? Come on everybody - check in so we know how you are doing....TRUDY - how are you traveling?
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Kate- it took me so long to type my note, I didn't see you checked in. So sorry you are having to wait - I'll wait with you.....
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Justagirl - A doctor that makes house calls! You are lucky!!!
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Golden - yes a doctor who comes to the house! He is so caring too. I have his cell #, pager #, home # and even his wife's (the RN) cell#. Maybe I sweetened the deal by making him two stained glass lamps over the years - the last one had 300 pieces!
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Welcome Trudy. You made the first step posting here. There are some incredibly wise women here. We all share our struggles, offer advice and most importantly, we can talk without feeling judged. We all get it. sometimes that cloud is just too big and dark and you think it will never go away. And some days the sun comes out. I live for those days. Hope you see more of those days too.
Well, got my boys off to school. Took my oldest DS up to Gainesville and dropped him off at his first apartment that he is sharing with 3 other boys. I love my son, but it was time for him to go back to school. I just hope he can get back on track with his grades. He's on the brink of losing 2 scholarships because he screwed up his grades. Smart kid, somehow he has let college undo him. My other DS started his junior year of hs yesterday, and has been pestering us to let him drive to school. He just got his license on Friday! Hasn't even driven alone yet, can't believe he is growing up so fast!
Survived my b-day on Friday,now that I am on the other side of 50. Think that is what was the worst part of the day, knowing I'm on this side of the century! Hell, age is just a number, right? My sons ran out at the last minute to get my present and card--three Ghiradelli candy bars. At least they know what I like. Gotta love the splurge factor. My DH on the other hand didn't even get me a card. Oh well. Not sure whats going on there. Of course don't get me started on our sex life--or lack there of. . . trying to remember if the last time was this year or last. . . wonder if that has anything to do with it. Kinda thought my reconstruction might help things but I think it freaks him out even more. To say not feeling exactly very womanly right now is an understatement. ok wow just hit a button on me that I had been trying not to push. Y'know if you don't go there, it might not exist?
pooh, I need to get ready to go see my PS about my never closing ab wound. Only doc appt this month, yeehah.
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Kate I so hope you hear today!
Claire I am sorry you and your hubby are not connecting well right now. Is he scared? I am sorry you are not feeling feminine. This disease is so horrendous when it comes to how we feel about ourselves as women. I know from the horrible things that have been said to me that women who are so fortunate to keep their breasts often don't have a clue how difficult this is to overcome. I have heard some women say that they do not think their husbands know what to say so they don't say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. Or they are afraid to touch their wives. Claire can you guys sit down with a glass of wine and talk about what he is feeling? I know the "feeling" word, but it might uncover what he is thinking.
Stanzie they don't get it in PS offices. The last time I had pictures done last month I said to the nurse this is one of the things people don't think about. How horrible it is to stand here and get these pictures done. She seemed kind of surprised. I really think for most of them they do it so often they just don't think. It becomes routine for them. That is not right and as a nurse I know how it can go both ways. But they need each and everytime they see a patient take a moment to put themselves in that patients shoes. To think about what they are dealing with outside of the sheltered sterile environment of the doctors office or hospital. And after dealing for over 2.5 years with the aftermath of a hospital aquired infection the "sterile" environment is certainly not meant literally!
That is the purpose of all of us maintaining the honesty of the journey. Telling the health professionals what this is really like not the pollyanna pink version that is easier for them to hear! Sorry I get passionate about this stuff
Ladies if you could keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. I have my 8th surgery. Due to the failed NSM due to the hospital aquired infection (still makes me soooo angry) they are having to do many more surgeries than should have had to do to fix the mess they left. I will have skin grafts taken from my hips and this will be used to create two areolas and nipples. I am pretty scared. I am worried about perfusion and infection. If this does not go well I am really in a mess. So good thoughts/prayers/ whatever you do will be much appreciated!!!
I do know that my hero husband has said the thing he has learned so much since my diagnosis is how to listen and not try to fix things. I don't know what I would do without him. I adore him. We just celebrated 36 years on the 12th and we are amazed at how in love we are. Especially since we had only dated 5 months when we got married! He feels that this journey has brought us even closer. Sorry to go on about him but he makes my heart smile. And is one of the reasons I keep working at this journey.
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Hopeful - you are in my thoughts and prayers that all will come out well tomorrow. I know what you mean about your DH ... this journey has only confirmed that my DH is my best friend and light on my darkest days ... I couldn't have made it this far without him by my side. We'll be in your pocket!
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Thanks so much my3sunz42. I am glad you will be in my pocket. And I am so happy that you too have such a wonderful husband to help guide you on this journey.
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hopeful, in your pocket also. my dh has stood with me for 47 years and this has brought us much closer. good luck.
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thank you ptdreamers! Sometimes I think there is more true support here than with some of my family members. They try but just don't get it.
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Hey guys ... I'm having one of those dark days that I hate the most. You know the kind where you feel as if you can cry on cue ... ugh. My eldest son leaves for college on Sunday, his dad has ALS (Lou Gehrigs disease) and the thought of watching him say 'good bye' to his Dad is just killing me. ALS is a dehabilitating muscular disease. His Dad can still walk, but has lost use of his arms and is slurring his speech ... so today is his Dad's best day ... as you never know what the disease will take from him tomorrow. It just breaks my heart thinking of the good bye we'll all have in just a few short days.
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my3sunz42 I am so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. Please feel my arms wrap around you holding you tight and let the tears release. ALS is a disease that is so very hard as you watch those you love robbed of all the things we so easily take for granted. I am glad today is a good day and hope they can spend some beautiful cherished time today making memories. I will keep all of you in my pocket as you approach this weekend.
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my3, are you divorced from his Dad? The way you say it, I think you are. It must be tough to think about the tomorrows, but we can only live in the today. Your son will remember a man who could still stand, but not hug him or wave good-bye. So very, very sad. I can see why you are down today, you have the right to be on the dark side!! Hugs to you, sweetie.
Kate, I hope that you have reached your doctors office!! We NEED to hear that everything is okay. Please, please post when you get news.
My DH finally got a response with Cialis, once, this year. So since my masts, we've had sex twice. That's 3 1/2 years....sigh. If I was a man, I guess I'd be fooling around, and "rightly so", right? But I too, love my DH too much and value the friendship side of our relationship too much to chance losing that. Interesting that so many of us have supportive DH's and yet we are all still here on a depression thread. Shows you that a good marriage isn't the answer to everything! It makes some things easier, but it's not the answer to all.....
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For me it is more about being able to express the emotions that are a valid part of this journey. I don't have depression but so many of the emotions that you feel as you go through this are the same.
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Absolutely!!! Grief, anger, denial...any major loss can bring those emotions and more to the forefront.
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Thank you all for the encouraging, supportive words :-) And, yes, Barbe, we divorced 13 years ago and both of us remarried and had additional children. We remained close over the years and now our additional children call each other 'step brother/sisters'.
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Hi sisters in pink,
Man, I sure do understand what everyone is going through. I was so proud of myself for holding it together for 14 months. Then 2 weeks ago I totally lost it and cried for 2 days night and day. My DH had no idea what was wrong. I told him I needed someone to talk to besides him and my daughter. Don't get me wrong. They have been wonderful but, I needed to talk to other's that have walked in my shoe's. I found a great group called Bosom Buddies. I went to my first meeting last Saturday and they were so open and easy to talk to. I have had a hard time finding a Oncol with a pulse. It seems all they care about is $$$$. I've been to two so far. While at my meeting the ladies asked the names of the two Oncol. They all said that he was really good. So I'll give him one more chance.
Kate33-- I don't live to far from you. Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle and have lunch.
Stay strong all my sisters in pink.
Shirley
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Hopeful, thanks so much for your kind words, but most of all good luck tomorrow! I will definitely thinking about you all day and sending the most positive and healing vibes. As my favorite grandma used to say whenever she wanted something cleaned, "hope Mr. Clean can come over and clean my kitchen, I would never kick him out of the house." Hope their is a Mr (or Mrs) Clean that sterilizes that operating room. No germs for you!!!!
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