Great saying about depression
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nsmith36 - first of all welcome!
Second, yes we all get that ' ok your bc has been treated - you're done - get on with your life'. The only persons who get what I am trying to deal with are all of you, my GP (and even I think she is getting tired of me) and my lovely son (and I shouldn't be dumping my emotional unheavals on him), oh and my 2 BFF's who haven't had BC (thank heaven). That leaves a whole lot of other people I can come in contact with, so no wonder I like to stay here on our property with my dog, cat, 2 horses and the kangaroos (one of the kangies just let it's joey out of the pouch - it jumps around like crazy for a minute or two and then does a head dive back into the pouch).
Claire - I'm with Diane in not being able to imagine a teenage Claire behaving that way and even bad then the teacher was way out of line - that's bullying. If other students complained to the teacher about your behaviour, the teacher should of then counselled you with another school person present as well as one of your parents. No wonder we as adults have hang-ups.
Thanks Diane for not making me feel anti-social that Jaki is my best buddy - who else would put up with me. Even I don't like me at times.........
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Omg 5 hours later computer still not set up properly. I just had a major screaming crying meltdown ..tired of always having to do things by myself. I scared the hell out of Charlie and Sadie bur i just needed to scream...popped an ativan ..off to bed ..take 2 tomorrow.
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claire- I am so sorry, that really is horrible. I can't imagine,however at the school my kids go to there is one class that has the kids write heart wrenching papers and share them with the class and yes they are all supposed to be true. Apparently if you get in the class and don't think it would be good for your child you can change..... Some kids thrive in it and others have a rough time. I just wanted my kids to learn not gets some psychotherapy from a non-doc teacher!
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What ever happened to teachers teaching the 3 R's : reading, writing, arithmetic
If anyone is going to mess with my child's psyche it will be me or a professional of my choosing.
Kate: any news on your test?
Diane, if you still can't get your new computer going by the time Max comes home tomorrow, he is good with that stuff and always bails me out. He just set up a whole new computer program on mine and now my computer works better and faster than ever....and he didn't have to pay for the program! Truly, if you want to send me a PM with your telephone number (it has to be a land line for my overseas 2 cents a minute service to work) he can call you and walk you through it over the phone. I think the time difference is about 12 hours but I can check that on the Internet. Keep Max in mind, and don't let the frustration overwhelm you any more. Not worth it.
It's Saturday tomorrow, and with Max coming home to celebrate Father's Day (it's the 1st Sunday in Sept here in Aus) I am hoping for an enjoyable weekend and that I don't have any meltdowns, thanks to the Femara. These anti-estrogen drugs really dish out the physical ailments along with making me just a little more crazier and emotionally fragile.
I hope all of you can aim for an enjoyable weekend along with me! I know I dearly need some rejuvenation.
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I'm having a I-hate-everyone-in-the-medical-field-right-now-moment (well, maybe not everyone). I never got the results from the CT scan which the imaging place had said should be at my doctor's office by yesterday. Being the dutiful patient I sat by the phone all day waiting for the call. Nothing! So I called first thing this morning only to get a recorded message saying the office was closed until Tuesday due to the holiday. WTH? Here's a thought...how about doing your f'n job before traipsing off for the weekend? Like go over test results and call patients?
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Oooh Kate!! That is a horrid one!!! Now at least another 4 days!! Will you be able to just know you're not getting a phone call and enjoy the weekend for what it is?
mac, biofeedback is NOT hooey!! It has very measurable results as you could see right in front of you. I am envious that you are able to afford such treatment. It will teach you mind over matter and you will be able to control all your responses in the future. VERY powerful stuff, sweetie!! I met a guy who could control whether he sweated or not under the heat lamps at a hair salon (I was a hairdresser at the time) and he didn't sweat!!! That was the first incidence I witnessed of the process. It was almost 25 years ago and I've never forgotten it.
Claire, I was thought bitchy too, but I was just very shy and almost hermit like in the hallways, but a class clown in the classroom! Go figure....I just didn't know what to SAY to other women. They terrified me and still do! You guys are the only ladies that I can really talk to as we have so much common areas. I am still VERY shy and don't make friends with my neighbours no matter where I live....sigh.
Diane, I bought a cheap Gateway computer 2 years ago, plugged it in and it worked from the second it booted up!!!! It has a touch screen, no big hard drive (it's built in the sides of the screen), has a huge screen on clear acrylic legs, and cordless mouse and keyboard. I thought it would give me a pile of grief and it was the simplest thing I've ever bought in computers!!!! Who would'a thunk it? I have to actually back away from the machines because if I get too upset I blow them. Don't know if it was this thread I shared this one but I do. Just on Wednesday when I picked up my Medic Alert bracelet at the jeweler it was kind of emotional for me to actually be "labeled"!!!!! The two computers wouldn't do transactions for the people in line including my DH so I moved to the other side of the store and they both unfroze and worked! I see it all the time...sigh. I used to have to get customers to swipe their own Visas while I stood behind a pole at my last job...it's kind of funny now but frustrating at the time!
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Kate, I wonder if you could have the physician paged for the results? It is not acceptable to have to wait that long. When my breast surgeon (who I wouldn't send my worst enemy to at this point and I dont have her anymore I got a new one) had me wait almost a week for my bx results had her office call on a Monday to set up the appt for Tues. to go over the results I told them, "No she either gives me the results on the phone or she fits me into her schedule, I have waited a week" Guess what they were able to get me in. The anxiety is something they just don't get. And it is too bad because these tests and labs cause it no matter how hard we work at not letting them. So page them and at least get him to call the radiologist office where it was done to allow you to be given the results. It is your test that you are paying for directly or indirectly and have the right to the info.
Diane sorry about the computer how frustrating!
Kind of a meltdown last night. Went to a neighbors who was having a ladies night in. Only knew one lady slightly. But very nice people. But had to put all these dressings on and then plastic nipple guards and find a shirt I could wear. Took me 45 minutes to find the right camie and shirt so you couldn't tell. Had too much wine which I rarely do not at her house but after I came home and cried and talked with my hero husband till 3:30. There is a blackish spot on one of the grafted areolas and I am soooo scared it is going to be necrotic (dead tissue) rather than bruising. It is what it is so why worry. But we do. Every time I have surgery and this was the 8th I relive all the things that were done and said that were so terrible. Not forward thinking. Not health thinking. But honest feelings. So today I am beating myself up for one drinking that much wine for goodness sake! For not focusing on my blessings which I am so grateful for. But trying to balance the honesty of this journey........ So today I am taking one small step forward again. I think the side effects of the Aromasin and the surgery kind of put me in a dark place again. But it is okay. The darkness always fades with this journey. There is always the glimpse of the old me lurking. I can chose to live it honestly and keep going forward. Sorry rambling. Just in a wierd space. So close to being done. Two more procedures if this right graft stays. Will be over three years. Three years of learning and growing and grieving and rejoicing and falling and getting back up. Ladies I am so sorry for the rambling I thought about deleting but this is where I am . And it is ok. Taking the step forward again.
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I called the facility where I had the CT scan and told them I needed to pick up a copy of my records. (Didn't tell them my doctor hadn't gone over my results yet.) So guess I'll find out the results standing in the lobby of the imaging place.
barbe- Like your response so much about meals missed, beds missing. I'm adding that to my arsenal along with Debbie's pleasant zone.
Claire- Sorry, just can't picture you as a "mean girl". Guess we'll have to take your word for it. It is amazing how childhood traumas can stick with us crystal clear but can't remember what I had for dinner last night. If you were a meaner you have more than made up for it. Hope those that subjected you to the circle of hate, along with that nasty teacher, have as well. (((hugs)))
Debbie- I think it's so hard to decide what we can live with when it comes to recon and what is worth trying to fix. I feel like sometimes our surgeons pressure us into settling for less- like we shouldn't expect everything a cosmetic patient is striving for. I, too, am on the fence whether or not to seek out a new surgeon or accept it is what it is. BTW, my dog Scout is my BFF, too. I think it's very healthy actually to pick one who has always been loyal, loving and always willing to listen and offer a (furry) shoulder to cry on. More than I get from most of my human friends!
Diane- Hey, I admire you for attempting to tackle that computer install! More than I would have tried. Hope with the light of day and some good sleep you have better luck.
Nora- Welcome! I, too, feel like a shell of my former self. I really feel like they do treat you and then drop you at a time when you need the most support. I feel so lucky to have found these wonderful women on this thread to help hold me up.
macatacmv- Love the bumper sticker! Going to have to steal that one!
Well, off for lunch and some shopping with 2 of my favorite people in the world- my Mom and sister! Hope everyone has a great Friday!
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hopeful, sounds more like you NEEDED the extra wine to be able to let some fear out. Hope you feel a bit lighter today and not so down. Hugs to you!!
Kate, let us know the second you have the paper in your hand!!!
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Just quickly scanning posts and Stanzie I just want to say that this sounds so much like my daughter when she was that age. Right down to the ex not paying child support. My ex wanted to be the "cool" parent and did not want to deal with anything negative -- he was more concerned with being her friend, and telling her things about me that were not true. No wonder she was conflicted. She never did live with him though.
I do know at that age they are not equipped to deal with emotions the proper way. Mine dealt with everything by being downright nasty, rebelling, and self-harming. I did have her in therapy, and she basically just told the therapists what they wanted to hear, and so they did not solve anything! She was so good in fact, that a few of them couldn't figure out why I thought there was a problem!
She was on antidepressants for about 6 years. They helped, and she stopped taking them of her own accord about 2 years ago. Now, we are pretty close, and even she can't believe what she put me through.
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Thank you Barbe I am trying not beat myself up and realize maybe that IS what I needed to really let it out. Just wish it had been a healthier choice
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Oh Kate, Sorry you have to do "whatever it takes" to get your results. Go through the doctor's answering service if you need to talk to them today. One time, my husband really needed advice on a drug but didn't listen through to the end of the message to get the answering service number but hung up thinking no one was available between Christmas and New Year's. We switched the medicine ourselves and made him even more hyperthyroid than he already was!
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Gum- thanks that does make me feel better- it just feels and seems so totally directed at me personally so it is hard.
Hopeful- Oh goodness, please do NOT beat yourself over some wine. I agree I think you probably needed it.We have All done this!!! And you proabably needed to really get everything out which you were able to do! I know you are worried and scared but the Doc did see it and he wasn't worried, so has it changed a lot? If so call the office and see if you can talk to him about your concerns. Yes long weekends are wonderful unless you are worried or waiting for text results.
Oh Kate, I wish you were taking someone with you!!!.....
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Stanzie you are right thanks. It will be ok.
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OK I am not just trying to get on the internet I am trying to transfer the thousands of files from my old computer to my new computer and reinstall all the necessary applications primarily Microsoft Office. It is not working I think my problem is my old computer is Vista and my new is Windows 7. I am putting it all aside for now.
I had my TV Ultrasound this morning and boy it took over an hour and she found some very painful areas. Kate she actually apologized to me that they were closed on Monday due to the Holiday so I wont have my results until Tuesday. They were all very nice but I am not looking forward to what may lie ahead. I am thinking its either my uterus or colon. so we will see...stay tuned....
Ok i have so much work still to do so back to it. Welcome all newbies. I hope to get all caught up here this weekend.
Have a safe and fun weekend!!
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barbe, yes I am very grateful that I have the means to pay for my medical care now. My father died 1 &1/2 years ago and left me a boatload of money. People say to me oh, God's timing was just so right. I say I wish my father was still alive, thank you very much. Anyway it is what it is. Yes, I am breathing in the healing medicine from the nebulizer and breathing out all the bad stuff. I am going to give it my best shot. But really "all" my responses in the future? That would certainly be different from the sad, freaked out person I am today.
I took my laptop in to my tech support place this morning and got my new software loaded, it took the 17 y/o 10 minutes to fix it. I only had to give him a tip.
Kate, hope your sister and mum can be with you for reading the results. Hope you had great shopping and lunch.
Diane, hope the computer is up and running by now.
hopeful, hope as the day goes on you feel better and better.
hello and welcome to the new ladies. (it's time for my nap I can't remember a thing from the last page!)
Whoo, the last weekend of summer. Hope we each get some enjoyment from it.
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mac, "theorectically" we have control over ALL our responses now. But many, many times we are disappointed or angry in our responses. Either we over-reacted or cried, or shut-down and walked away and didn't get our problems resolved. With biofeedback YOU will make the choice as to what response you want to make. It won't be a "gut" reaction anymore - your flight or fight impulse will shut up and let your brain step in. Very powerful indeed. And whoever said your Dad's passing was convenient deserves a smack upside the head! What a pathetic comment to make!!!
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I just wanted to pop in and say...MY COMPUTER IS ALLLLLLL SET UP. FInally got my Outlook working, security settings all done...even got my ipod library synched. I have to still reinstall some stuff but nothing I need now. Whhheeeewww what a relief. I got all my returns done for this one client now I just have a few more things due the 15th and i will be able to breathe again.
I think I will go back a few pages and re-read the latest posts.
Happy Blue Moon everyone!
Diane
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Hopeful, just read your post about the wine. I think everyone is right: we have ALL done that, and sometimes it's just what we needed to do at the time. I don't drink too much very often but I have made an ass of myself a few times, once on a horseback riding vacation in front of complete strangers. Then I had to go round up cattle in the morning. Try doing THAT with a hangover.
Kate, Hope everything went okay today.
Diane: I live and breathe computers, but I still hate everything involved with getting a new one.
Stanzie, I really do know how it feels. You're already dealing with enough. You think they hate you but they really don't. I walked on eggshells around my daughter for a long, long time. Sometimes she needed space and sometimes she needed structure. And one of the hardest things to do is to pick your battles.
For example, once mine was going to a school camp for the weekend. I never snooped in her stuff even when things were bad, but I was putting some clean laundry into her bag and I found two ketchup bottles. Lo and behold they were full of vodka that she had stolen from her dad's house! So did I yell and scream at her? Nope! I poured it out and replaced it with water. I would have given anything to see her face when she produced it at camp.
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The CT report I picked up showed an abnormality and they recommended further testing. Then this afternoon my cell phone rang as I was driving my Mom and sister back from lunch. It was my doctor's office. (Seems they were open today after all even though their recording said they were closed until Tuesday.) My doctor's PA said there is an area of concern on the CT and they want me to follow up with an oncologist. Not what I was expecting at all so am kind of stunned. I know it doesn't mean bad news necessarily but obviously more testing to be sure. Going to have to find a oncologist as I just had a BS and she is 2 hours away. Needless to say, my head's spinning a bit with the news. I will try to write more tomorrow.
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Kate - right now I don't know what to say or do for you except to let you know I am thinking about you, this test result and what is means. There are other things that can happen to us medically but I know my mind goes first to being concerned it's cancer. Maybe start and ask your GP and your BS for an oncologist. I can't believe the CT report didn't say more than there was an abnormality. Maybe a MRI would show more?....or a bone biopsy? Did you have a full blood studies done also?...if so is the white blood cells and the red blood cells within normal range?
Right now I wish I wasn't so darn far away from you as I wish I could be there for moral support. Only us would truly understand the depth and breadth of what your mind is going through right now. I'm here for whatever I can do for you!
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Kate, So sorry to hear the news and for you to learn on Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend when you can't get an appointment scheduled. Hope you can do your best to find things to take your mind off everything for the next few days. Sometimes, I practice the "Gone With the Wind" approach. "I'll think about it tomorrow at Tara". Gives me time and space to deal with things down the road. Thinking of you.
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Kaaaaaaate we love you!! We are all here for you whatever you need. I sent you a PM but I know your head is spinning. Oncologist are hematologist so maybe they just want a full comprehensive blood panel reviewed by an expert. I know its hard not to go there but try not to get too far ahead. I have this tile that someone passed down to me that simply says Öne Day at a Time"unfortunately thats the only way I could deal with getting through surgeries and treatments to remind myself..one day at a time. I know the waiting is hard and the thought of more test is agony but we are right there with you! I am sorry you have such a drive to get to the doctor and I too wish I was there to give you a hug and comfort you...and have a drink with you. I am just grateful you have doctors that are looking for resolution and not dismissing you. Hugs to you sweet Kate and I am here alllllll rainy weekend if you need to talk.
Gumshoe -- I hate computers! Its a foreign language to me.
Macatacmv -- LOL I did have to call my 25 yo nephew to figure out how to transfer my itunes account!! Kids dont realize how lucky they are to literally grow up using a computer. I sometimes with I could go back to go old paper and pencils for preparing tax returns. ha ha
Have a good long weekend everyone...I am closing in on the finish line with work...almost there.
Hugs to all!
Diane
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I sometimes found that "five minutes at a time" worked better for me than trying for a whole day. After a few tries at figuring out what to do for the next five minutes, I could sometimes go longer! When I couldn't make it for five minutes without worrying, I'd watch another episode of Sex in the City or Arrested Development. Made it all the way through both series!
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Golden that is such GOOD advice!!! We can all handle 5 minutes. Even crying, apparently you can't cry tears for longer than 20 minutes at a time.
Kate, we know you are on the darkside right now and we are all huddled there with you holding you up. It is terrifying the 'what if's' that are spinning around your head right now. You've probably been planning your funeral and wondering what will happen to your son and DH. We ALL do that. It is human nature to push our tongues under the sore tooth!! We understand your fears right now and know that you have to think them, so when you get the news, no matter which way it goes, you are prepared mentally to hear it. That is reality. I saw a great saying the other day and can't remember if I put it on here:
Falling down is part of life; getting back up is living.
We already know we can get back up, we've all proven it here. That's why we know you will be okay no matter what the result. It's just that we suffer as only we can beside you as you have to walk this process on your own. God I wish I could give you a real hug!!! Much love,
Barbe
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barbe, I am so ready to be able to have some control over my responses. I hate when I shut down, esp. in a doc office or on the phone with them. Then like 12 hours later I'm like oh I should have asked that question or said this or that. I feel like I have done a lot of "work" on self, but this is giving me new hope. I just pray my brain is up to the job. Being on all these meds is giving me (as my DS says) mush brain.
Kate, ooooh, having to wait over the long weekend is tough!! I find the saying about being able to start my day over at any point is helpful. When I find I am sinking into the worry pit, I change my location or my focus. Anyway, I am thinking of you and hope you find joy in the moment.
wasn't that a beautiful moon last night? And the air quality has changed here, like it has a hint of coolness.
Diane, so glad you are up and running! Stuff like that really sends my obessive behavior into overdrive and I can't let it go until it is done. Good for you for asking for help. Here's to crossing the finish line!
gum, LOL about the ketchup bottles! That's my kind of parenting. I was such a wild child that my kids couldn't do much that I hadn't done and I pray they never do some of what I did.
well it's a Saturday here, not much different from any other day for me, but I have a birthday party to go to this evening for one of my best friends. It will be a relaxed event, so I will have some fun and cake, too.
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Oh Kate! I so hate this and I know how terrified you must be but there are other things it can be so try not to get totally overwhelmed by this... I wish I could say something to help but answers are what you need. I sent you some PM here and on FB. I too am here all weekend. I just don't even begin to know more what to say... love you and wish I could be with your right now. Debbie is right about the blood tests - my brain went away and didn't even think of that... so not time to panic yet but with our history I think we are now fully programmed to go to the dark side as Barb says. Anyway, thinking of you!!!
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Kate I just sent a PM. We have you in our thoughts, we know how hard it is to wait. I am sending you the biggest bear hug possible.
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gumshoe thanks for your memory of the trail ride. It brought a smile to my face. I appreciate your support and understanding!!
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Kate, what we need is one big group hug!!! Imagine us all around you in one big embrace. . . And then we all start swaying. . . And hugging. . . And the next thing you know we all start singing "that's what friends are for. . . " please know you are so very much in my thought this weekend, and your tests next week give you the all clear! Try to keep busy this weekend--- try to dance--even if it's like what I do--put your headphones on and jam away. Shake out all those thunderclouds over your brain and totally zone out!! Of course I try to do it when everyone is out of the house or asleep because I'm sure I look quite frightening!
Gum-- love the ketchup story, but how do you hide vodka in a ketchup bottle? Hmmm ,just wondering!
Diane --glad you are up and running and I do feel your pain. My MIL gave me one on one computer training for my Mac for my birthday. Boy do I need it!0
