Great saying about depression
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DiDel, I will be with you as I have never really enjoyed NYE....never could get what all the hype is about???? Like you, I hope I can at least make it till midnight.
Sorry you've had some miserable days, especially around Xmas, which is hard, I think, for many people.
I know this sounds crazy, but we have past Dec 22, so the nights will SLOWLY start to get longer, which means spring will be here before we know it.....my favourite time....so that's what keeps me going.....I know, I have a bit of a wait, but that's ok......lol0 -
Thanks Scottie.. I think part of what makes it hard was that I had my mx on 12/23 came home 12/24 and had everyone at my house 12/25 while I was sick and throwing up all day. Since then I just havent really enjoyed the holidays and all I can think about it the anniversary of my surgery and how much my life has changed. I know I should be more grateful but I am not. I just feel so alone all the time and now I am getting ready for 12 hour work days 7 days a week for tax time. Not looking forward to that craziness but I am looking forward to being around people and making $$.
Oh well...hope things get better soon cause I am tired of feeling this way.
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DiDel.....wow.....you've had a lot to deal with so you have the right, especially here to whine and vent.....don't beat yourself up, and yes, being around people always helps me.
I am an adult ESL teacher and just love to get up everyday and be with these wonderful
people who also teach me things. I'm glad I chose not to retire.
Our lives have changed and sadly there is no going back for us. We can only try to push forward and find small things to look forward to, be it daily or like me, a few months down the road.....spring.....hang in there.....believe it or not, we are lucky to have our jobs
to distract us and to be around "normal people"....lol0 -
Di and Scottie, I will be around too. NYE is not my kind of holiday either.
I do have a pizza party to go to from 6-10pm. My kind of party. I will have to pysche myself up to go, but it is my best friend and her family so it will be fun.
My DS left yesterday and it's just me and the dog. I had him take the tree out. So my house is back to normal.
Di, I am so sorry your Christmas was so miserable. As the old saying goes we can pick our friends but we can't pick our families. My surgery was right before christmas too last year. I barely remember it. So it does add another emotion to the holidays.
I get kind of down this time of year because my family is getting smaller. I have "lost" so many. My DS and I were talking about how laid back our day was this year. I use to do all the cooking for my parents. I would start everything over here at my house and then we would bring all the food over to their house. It was a lot of work. But now I kind of miss it.
So my new year's resolution is to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I feel like it's a real new beginning.
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Diane, I'm always here for you. There may be an ocean or two and a lot of land and islands between us, but you have a special place in my heart. Of course Christmas is not all cheer to you for it falling two days after you had your mastectomy. That is a major trauma to the body and emotionall too. I can not believe your family allowed you to cook and entertain them when you were just two days out of hospital. They should of been waiting on you!
I don't have any good memories from my childhood about Christmas, but was sure with my DS that he had them. And then I enjoyed Christmas watching how much fun he had helping me decorate the tree and his delight at opening his presents. I enjoyed it as much as he did. Now he's 19 and just doesn't care so we didn't even do a tree this year. DH is Jewish, so falls in the groups I call the 'nothings' - he doesn't celebrate the Jewish holidays or mine.
Scottie is so right - we can't go back in time and what we all have gone through just can't be forgotten in a blink of the eye. As she said, we must learn to take joy in the little things, and concentrate on doing what makes us happy.
Mac: what to do with the rest of your life? Live it rich and full. If you want to spend the day lazing around reading a book, then do it and don't feel guilty. If you don't want to go somewhere with someone or do something someone says you should do then don't.
This has to be our time. WE need to reclaim our lives, learn to live with what we have and enjoy ourselves. I, for one, well, BC took my boobs, but it's taken enough of my time over the last 2 3/4 years that I'm getting selfish and not giving BC the pleasure of disrupting my life anymore.
Yes, now I have limitations to what I can do. Can't run anymore thanks to the loss of bone density due to the Femara but thank heaven there is a drug like Femara I can take with my tumor being invasive and aggressive. The bone density loss caused three discs in my lower back to bulge out, but I can deal with it. I walk on my treadmill now. At least I can still walk. Can't swim as I had a LD flap and can't rotate my right arm so as to clear the water with swimming.
But I can still enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning on the porch with my Jaki and I can garden, an hour or two at a time instead of all day but I can do it.
You know Diane, I have a DH of 30 years and a DS who is 19, but sometimes I feel very alone when it comes to dealing and coping with all the baggage that comes with BC. I know it sounds silly, but its true.
It is a new year, and we can do ourselves proud by working to be happy by making ourselves #1 in our lives!
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I HATE this time of year and was doing really well until yesterday when I had my DH get me two Lorazepam...sigh. It's just TOO much emotion and chaos!! In 2008 I got out of the hospital on Dec 18th and spent Christmas Day alone as my DH was driving a cab that day. No kids, no family, no body. Then years ago my Dad was in hospice and my DD and I spent two nights with him, one of which was NYE!!!! So just so much CRAP around this time, but I DO like getting rid of the past year. Good riddance to bad rubbish!! (who said that, anyway??)
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Yay, we are past Dec 22 and today in the mail I received 2 seed catalogs! Spring is coming!
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well I guess I am done posting here.
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hopeful, why is that? are things better?
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hopeful, has someone pissed you off? Let me at them!!!!
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Hopeful
I am sorry your post went unnoticed. I have been a little high as a kite the past few days and on and off napping. sometimes it takes me so long to respond I forget all I wanted to respond to. I apologize didnt mean to leave you hanging. You were sad and anxious about your anniversary and upcoming revisions. I know you've been through a lot with recon but I want mine to be perfect so if I have to do another I will. I dont like it but I want to see an end to all this. After my last surgery when I realized I could wear a tshirt without a bra I thought this is what we were aiming for.
I am hoping I am done and hoping this will be the last one for you. we really are here for you just sometimes our own issues get in the way. Hugs to you
I hope tonight you find yourself feeling a little better. I am hoping the new year brings much happiness and health to all of us.
Love you all
Diane
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Hopeful, I am sorry that I didn't aknowledge your anniversary and validate your feelings. I try not to be insensitive. this time of year is difficult on so many levels for many of us and I know I turn inward and focus on my own miseries and forget to give as much as I can to my fellow sufferers. Please continue to post and let us know how things are going.
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hopeful, I too am sorry I did not respond to your post. It just slipped by me. Once I am on to a different page I forget what came before. please hang in here. It is hard having a constant reminder of all that has happened to us. I related to the way you were feeling, cause I feel like that also, but have no experience with recon. I am having a harder time thinking of the future than I have in the past. I feel like there are so many unkowns, which brings up the fear and anxiety. Then I remember all I have is this moment.
Here's to a new year that is filled with health and well being for us all!!!
Deb, thanks for the tips on living life to the fullest. I plan on doing just that, but I have more practical matters to think about. Should I continue on with the work I have been doing or sell the business and try something new. Really, what am I going to do when I grow up? I mean I am at a new beginning in my life and I can make choices. I didn't feel like I had a lot of choices when I was starting out and fell into this work which allowed me to be home and at work at the same time. So I am giving myself time to think it through and really decide what is best for me. (no one else)
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Happy New Year from Toronto 💃💃💃
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mac - you've got the idea. Take time and think about what you really want to do with the rest of your life. Put yourself first, make yourself happy and you will have more to give to family and friends you care about.
BC sure made me sit up and think about how precious every day is. Before BC, I just assumed I would live like until 90 and then bam, at 57 I don't know if I am going to make it to the end of the year and would I make my son and husband suffer watching my slow demise. That made me mad and made me get up and fight. I was not going to have my life taken away from me and go quietly - they would have to take me kicking and screaming. Ok, you get the idea.
Remember, it's not that every day you have to be productive, but every day try to enjoy the day and if something interferes, then try enjoying the rest of the day, and if that doesn't work, well, hell, there are some shitty days. Go to bed, sleep and give it a go tomorrow!
You know, This time of year can be a depressing time for many people for many different reasons. Everyone is not running around singing Christmas carols and decking the hall with holly!
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WEll I am relieved that others have ungrateful children, my only child has not bothered to ask how I am for over 6 months despite knowing I was having extension scans etc, no Christmas message or card or anything....I think we went wrong as a baby boomer generation parent as did not teach them about responsibility and importance of community and connection, my child is one of the most selfish self focused individuals and I am ashamed to say I don´t even like him and after years of being taken for granted and treated like dirt I don´t even love him, never thought I would say that.....feel bad writing it but it is true.....and I think he feels the same about me. My life would have been very different had I not decided to keep him and raise him alone and I think I did a bad job, an only child now married to a very spoilt only child who has never made any effort to be kind to me let alone anything else..........
After a lot of heart searching I have decided to disinherit him as I have financially supported him and helped him out so much over his life (and still do now despite no contact) enough is enough, I will also make an express wish that he does not attend any memorial or funeral service held for me (although not sure I want one as don´t think many would attend anyway), if he could not be bothered with me in life then he can stay away in death and live his truth for once. Does that make me awful and unforgiving and deserving of more cancer?
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Firstly, pt, I thought your post was a rant. I'm so sorry I didn't see your trials and tribulations!! You can be pissed off at me! As I didn't do recon, I had no words of wisdom for you. I apologize, you are right to be frustrated at us. Please stay.
mac, it just occurred to me that maybe some of your chemicals that you work with have exacerbated your lung condition. Was that ever looked into??? I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up!!
Lily, it sounds like you have made GREAT progress in your thinking!! To want control even when you are dead!! What a powerful lesson for your son. Would he even get it? Would he even know that he is not welcome? I'd like to hear what happens when you financially cut him off while you are still alive. Wouldn't you rather be there to see his reaction?? How strong you are to be able to admit that you don't like him. We don't have to like our kids. We got them randomly, just like our family. There are times my daughter is a real bitch and I just shake my head and wonder where she got it from because I'm nothing like a bitch!! I NEVER want to hurt someone I love intentionally and she does it with glee!! Keep us posted on how it all goes.
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Barbe, I think you got the wrong person I'm PT and I wasn't ranting. I was making apologies to Hopeful for not listening to her.
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I'm so sorry pt!! Of course it was hopeful that I was directing my post to. I'm just not myself yet. Got Christmas decorations down today so I'm starting to feel better. The panic is almost gone. I HATE this time of year!!!!
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Lily,
sounds like you had your son young and you were single. I'd wouldn't waste time wondering if you should of kept him. You did, as many mothers in whatever your position would chose to do. No mother intentionally does a 'bad' job at raising their child. Each child is their own person. No matter how hard we try to be a good parent, or how dedicated we are to teaching our children to be kind and loving, the difference between right and wrong, how to earn money and save............well, some just don't get it. You have not failed as a parent.
I agree with Barbe - disinherit him now and stop the flow of money. While you are still on this earth, and if you can afford to, give your money to a cause like the RSPCA, animals which never asked to be born or abandoned and can't speak for themselves. A significant percentage of the monies go to the animals, not to management. There are no employees there raking in huge salaries. I'm sure you get the idea.
Yes, tell him he is not allowed at the funeral. Maybe not have one. If you are a solitary person, and chose to be cremated, and donate your estate to somewhere like the RSPCA, I'm sure they will give you a lovely send off and scatter your ashes as you wish, with appreciation and caring.
I've seen parents raising kids for many years. Two kids, same parents. One kid is the rotten apple, the other, sweet, kind, loving and a contribution to society.
Like Barb said, they are their own person. Shame on your son. I also think you should write him a letter and tell him why you are disinheriting him. It could be the best gift you ever gave him.
Meanwhile, get back to the business of enjoying what time you have on this earth. Lots of us here are trying to do it!
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I just wrote a whole post, it was very profound, and then accidentally deleted it. LOL
I'm blaming the arimidex.
Today I went to the grocery store to buy more bird seed for the little birds since it is very cold and snow covered here now. I found some saline nose spray that I needed and stuck it in my coat pocket so that I could carry the bags of seed. I checked out and when I got home I found the nose spray still in my pocket , never paid for. I blame the meds for that too.
I am going to take my life in shorter increments. I will make a decision about the next 6 months. See what I can get done and see what happens from there.
barbe, you are rignt about my workspace, it is not healthy for me to be there. If I work in the shop again I will need to wear a mask and hearing protection. I don't think it is worth the risk. It's just hard for me to let go.
Lily the hardest part for me is making the decision. It sounds like you have made your mind up now you just have to follow through. Our kids are not extensions of us, we all have to let go of them, some more than others.
Timbuctu, I think I remember a post from you on the last page, too. Sometimes the ones we love the most just let us down completely. We are all just imperfect human beings. I hope you are feeling better today.
I had a conversation with my brother and SIL tonight. Our relationship has been strained since our parents have passed on in the last few years. We had a productive talk though, about how we did not have the best role models for open, honest discussions. I feel like we are feeling our way along. I am letting go of past hurts. It's a new year for new beginnings.
I'm just hanging on for the ride. And am very glad to have you ladies along with me.
mac
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mac, sounds like you're doing more than just hanging on! What a great conversation with your brother!!!! That will open doors in the future for you all to get closer. Well done!
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thanks barbe, maybe I am growing up a bit.
I have an aunt that is 98 years old. She asked me to come over today to get her computer hooked back up to the internet. She is a hoot. Still sharp as a tack. And up to date with technology. She is real good at asking for help, too. I can learn alot from her. Anyway I fixed her internet connection and came home and my internet was down. LOL Just got it going again.
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Hopeful - Sorry you were not acknowledged by some. I have not been on here for awhile, but read your post this evening. I am glad you said what you did to the resident or whoever was there with your PS. She needs to know that we are a person with feelings and not just a subject to cut up (which I think a lot of surgeons and their egos seem to think). I understand how frustrated you are with having to have some more "touch up". It has been over 3 years since my mastectomies and I have been feeling good about how everything came out until I saw the PS for the first time in a year today. He has been seriously ill and not practicing until last month and my BS/PCP would not deal with some skin growths and sent me to PS with whom she practices. While looking my skin over looked at his handy work and thought the foobs could use some tightening and contouring. I told him I would think about it as I am not too anxious to have any more surgeries right now. Probably my several falls and landing on the foobs has done something to the pockets, but I am not going there. Please continue to post here. Everyone is here for the other and we all have so much stuff going on. It is a good place to vent as well as to support each other.
DiDel - So sorry about you having to be so alone, but also good for you for not leaving the food and taking it to the hard workers at the dog shelter. It seemed an awful lot for your Mother to expect you to cook in the first place. Guess she was selfish and thought you were by yourself and therefore had time to do it. Families are a difficult part of the equation in all of this mess.
Hugs to all and good thoughts for the New Year to all.
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HOPEFUL, I hope you don't stop posting here, as I think you need us as much as we need you. I feel your depression, anxiety and feeling of hopelessness that has come with requiring yet another surgery. And the anniversary of the day we found out we had BC is never easy.
And I have faced the blatant truth that no one but us (and now my DH due to lots of education from me) gets that even though we may be finished with chemo and radiation and surgeries, our psychological being is not back in balance. I know, almost three years later, I still have bouts of fear of mets and it paralyzes me. Also taking the Femara does not help as it is slowly leeching the calcium from my bones, give me now three protruding lower discs, limiting my physical agenda and really screwing with my mental well being. You can't expect to take the estrogen out of a women's body and have no reaction.
It's ok to be sad, mad, depressed. But please try every day to dig your way out and enjoy even a few hours of each day. Don't let this BC take your hope and love of life away.
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Hi Ladies - I have been catching up on all your news. I'm sorry I won't be able to comment on it all, as this herceptin seems to have drained all my energy. DiDel - I am not sure why you don't speak to your Father, maybe you cannot forgive him, but perhaps your Mom was hoping to bring about a reconciliation, and that is why she did not tell you he would be there at Christmas? How awful to be on your own - big hugs.
hopefulhealing - best of luck with your new surgery. I am sorry it has been going on so long. If I remember correctly you had a lot of trouble with the nipples and areola. Did they heal up nicely in the end.
Justagirl - thanks for the good wishes for my upcoming surgery. You told me not to get talked into anything, but I went in armed with all the info I had gleaned on this website, and my PS talked me out of it all! It put me in a bit of a tail spin, but I have checked with another surgeon, and she is also not keen on fat grafting, so I feel happier.
Thank goodness this year is over. My husband says we are looking foward now, and not back.
Scottie - I agree with you about spring- love that time of the year. Who can feel depressed when the daffodils start coming out!
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Maddie57: I just meant to not let yourself feel bullied into doing something you didn't really want or agree with. Getting a 2nd opinion is a great idea.
They don't even do fat grafting here. Say there is not enough evidence on the safety of re-injecting fat and it staying where it was put. Also don't use cadaver skin here - my PS said there was a 10% chance it wouldn't do what you expected it to do and that was too high of a risk. Conservative Australians.
I think, from my reading the postings on this website, many women end up with implants too big and have medical problems like tearing skin or pain due to the pec muscles not being happy with being stretched so much. Right now know of a woman a month out from having her TE's exchanged for permanent saline implants and she says they hurt all the time and she wishes she had never had it done. My husband says to stay quiet but I want to tell her to go back to the Dr and put smaller ones in. Your silicone implants do not have to be the same size as your own breasts were, as these will stay semi firm and never droop. Also, implants will never fill out a bra like your own breasts did, as the implants are not snow coned shaped but more like hamburgers. I know, sounds bad. But I know with my small implants (200cc) I still have clevage and if I wear a softly padded bra correctly fitted, I'm feeling good how I look.
That's what you want - to feel good.
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Hi justagirl - thanks so much for caring and for your input - really appreciate it. I feel I have covered as many bases as I can now, and can only hope all my decisions are the right ones. I am not going bigger- I am only matching my other side which is quite small, so hopefully all will be well!! I know what you mean about these new breasts looking like hamburgers. We need a bright lady on our site to design some better implants. I am not sure why they have to be such a weird shape - must be a constraint with the gel.
Dellilahbear- if you are happy with your breasts I say leave well enough alone. How is your shoulder doing? Better I hope
hopefulhealing- I think it was great educating your Dr. I also spoke to a trainee, and gave them a few tips. It makes for a better Dr, and I think they appreciate it!
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Hi Mac - thrilled to hear you are making up with your brother. Family are important. I laughed to hear about the saline spray. Imagine if you had been frisked - they would have thought you had hidden something else in your bra!!!
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Maddie when in January is your surgery...so we can send out our very best positive vibes your way on your surgery day. My PS doesnt particularly like FG either since it discipates or hardens. He told me he would only do it if I needed it if I had a lot of rippling. I was happy to not need it since I had a little bit of lipo from under my arm during one of my recons and it hurt more than anything Ive done since mx and it was such a small area. Good luck with the exchange. It was nothing in comparison and almost felt good to have that hard TE out. I hope you are happy with results and have a smooth and speedy recovery.
As far as my relationship with my parents its a long long story but my mother would never have such intentions. She is far too self centered for that. She invited him because he is not dating anyone and I think after 30 years divorced she still has the delusion that they will get back together. But thanks for thinking of a more postive motive.
I hope you all are having a better day...healing nicely...infection free.
Hugs to all
Diane
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