Great saying about depression
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Hi Ladies - how are you all doing. 3jaysmom and justagirl - how are you both? Hope you are all finally moved 3jays.
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Hey maddie, I haven't heard from 3jays lately. this thread has been quiet.
are you well?
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Mac - you are right - it's been a while since 3jays checked in and she wasn't doing so well physically. Boy would I ever like to give each of her three sons a kick up their hinnies for not helping their parents. 3jays is probably under some boxes in her new home, but do hope, joking aside, that she is feeling better.
Actually, I hope all of us are improving to some degree and getting on with this crazy life we have.
mac - Maddie-barbe.....ok?
hopefulhealing hasn't been here for ages.............just dropped off rather than saying she was going to stop. Did we hurt her feelings? Surely never never intended................
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Hey Debbie, I am getting along ok. Have some issues and still am visiting drs way more than I would like,but am getting use to this routine. I've been doing yoga 3 times a week and still walking the dog everyday,so I am getting stronger. It was good to hear from you.I miss all the women that used to be here.
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I'm awaiting results (Apr 5th) of a CT I had of my torso last week. Getting rib pain where my liver is and have to stretch and bend backwards if I'm sitting upright for too long. It relieves some of the pressure. Or I just lie down. Also my back has gotten worse. The horrid part is the insurance company wants to drop me!! They are sending me to a therapy centre to be tested to see if I can do anything at all (sit at a desk for example). As long as I can make what they are paying me now (1/2 my salary from 2011) then they let me go. I am so scared. I know I'll try hard to please the testers, but that may backfire and I get released from disability payments! Then I'll lie in bed for the next two days in agony....sigh. I'm very stressed, to say the least. It took me a year with a therapist to accept my disability level and now they want to throw me back into the fray!!!!! We could use the money, of course, but at what cost???? Also, I'd be driving to work and that expense would eat into whatever I would make...my mind just keeps spinning. In some ways I'd be thrilled to be back in the social contact, and in other ways, I've changed so much I don't even think I'm the same person. I'm a scared rabbit now, not the dynamic sales professional who always achieved her goals!....sigh.
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Hi Justagirl and Mac- I am doing okay thanks. Have some lingering issues from chemo, but hoping they wil clear up soon. Am thrilled to have some hair- it is very short, but I don't look like an escaped prisoner anymore!!
Mac - glad to hear you are getting out and about. How are your chest problems? Did you ever get a definitive answer, as last time I heard you were going for more tests!!! Sounds like the ubiquitous blood tests- if your bloods come back okay then you are fine even if you feel like hell!!
justagirl - lovely to hear from you. How are you and your lovely family? Did you get an answer about whether you will have chemo or not?
I am also so sorry about hopefulhealing - I miss her, and hope she is doing okay.
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barbe - our posts crossed. I am so sorry to hear about your insurance hassles. It must be really stressful for you. Sitting at a desk all day usually sets my back off, so I hope they are not forcing you into something. Are you able to get some part time work? It is so difficult in these times of economic recession to find a job of any description. I bet you were are a great sales professional, as you are so charismatic. Good luck and take care
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Thanks Maddie. I live in a small town and would have to drive at least 45 minutes to an hour to ANY job! That's a huge gas consumption and it scares me for the cost. I also need to keep my benefits so would like to stay with the same company. A desk job would mean customer service!!! There are three locations of my current company within an hour of me.
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Hi barbe- now I am going to vent for you!! What use is your **** insurance company if they cast you aside when you need them. You have probably paid in for years and never used them. Do you have to find a job with the same company, as that is a big commute? If you change firms will you lose that insurance completely, as it will not be easy finding a new one to take you on with a history of BC? If it makes you feel any better I had to go back to work in a very physical job. The first few weeks were hell, and one day I felt so bad I went into the bathroom to look in the mirror and see if it was visible in my face, as I didn't want to scare my patients! Anyway it has got easier as the weeks have gone along. I am not back to full strength by any manner, but am coping better. Do you have a tens machine for your pain. They only work whilst on the back, but one nursing sister told me you can keep switching the timer back on, and have it on all day if you need it. They definitely help with the pain and spasms. Thinking of you
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Hi Barbe,I'm glad to hear from you.I knew you were waiting for results.That's awful about your insurance situation.I get what you mean about feeling like you're a different person.But the woman I've gotten to know here would be a wonderful asset for any company.
I am still trying to figure out what I'm doing with my business. I'm thinking about hiring someone to do the work and I'll do the financial end of it.But it would mean someone moving to the island,which is not the easiest thing. Every time I think about going back to work something else comes up. Last week I got a tooth pulled and tomorrow I get to go to the city and get some basal cells removed. Oh well.
Maddie,my breathing is really improving. They dx me with COPD at one point,but I fought them on that one. And now I am off all the inhaled steroids and doing pretty good. Thanks for asking.0 -
mac: you sound so much better! I think when we reach a certain age, things just start happening, like having skin cancers removed and more involved visits to dentists....oh and then there is our collection of doctors!
Barbe: I agree with Maddie. What good is insurance if they want to cancel you when you need them? Here, with the government assistance for those who can't work due to health problems is rarely monitored. I know guys who get a government check because of disabling back pain and they are doing heavy construction work for cash - undeclared.
Ok: so they do this assessment. Suggestions from me that you didn't ask for so ignore anything: go with letter from therapist about how psychologically disabling all your medical problems have made you....and how long you had to see the therapist to deal with it. Letter from your GP, stating your current medical issues and how much pain medication and other meds you have to take every day to just survive at home (sure not safe to drive for an hour each way to work!). Then the day you go in for the assessment, have the evaluator watch you take your daily dose of morphine and indicate it on the paperwork. Show evaluator the prescription to 'take' daily. Then do what you can but, please, this is NOT the time for you to be 'woman who can do anything'. After each 15 minutes of whatever they have you doing, even sitting in a chair as you would be at a customer service desk (AND spend time adjusting chair and ask nicely if they have a pillow, for your back and can you sit higher or lower), tell them you have to have a walk and a break and lie down for a bit (back pain, neck pain). Be your cheerful self, but think of how you are at home on one of your bad days and mimic it. Do not do any one physical thing, even sitting for long and after a while, even shorten those times. Wear your lovely makeup but no blush so you appear pale and if you have dark shadows under your eyes, this is the one time to not cover them up.
Now, if you could work from home, with your phone and computer, that would be a whole different scenerio. Is there anything at your former place of employment that you could work that way?
Ok. I'm done....oh, and schedule an appointment with your main GP for the day after the testing (ahead of time) and complain of this and that hurting, shortness of breath, heart racing - missing beats, pain pain pain even with your morphine and can't sleep.When the insurance/disability people review your file they will see this. PS: a good show would be having someone else drive you and escort you in right by your side. Remember, you are a hurting fragile beautiful flower..............
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mac: suggestion - make a pro and con list on selling your business vs. having someone do the physical work. Would you have enough income if you sold it?....more than now if you have not been working and I know you have a long clientele list. Your health is the most important and avoiding stress. See how it weighs out......
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Hey girls: yeah, i've been "buried" but not really, thank God.. i'm still not feeling well, hence i haven't been anywhere, not even here.. sorry to worry you.
I def. had a stroke the day after surgery on my heart.. but they can't do an mri for 3 mos with the stents.. so, ive been lying around and anxing about gettinmg the boxes done.. it'll be awhile, still not much help.. but whatever!
I'm quite shook up by the news of mels death, and i'm stil here! I guess the man upstairs gets to pick when and where.3jays
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3jays,don't worry about those boxes,they'll get done when they are suppose to. I am so glad to hear from you.There have been quite a few losses lately to shake us up,and I think about my friends here everyday.So please stop in more often.we miss you.
Deb,your suggestions are so thoughtful.I am still wavering.There's another message on my voice mail from the guy who wants to work the business and I haven't even listened to it yet.My kids are shocked by the notion that I might rent out their childhood home and not work in that capacity any more.I do need to write about it.I just run it around in my head all the time.like 3jays unpacking her boxes.
Hey maddie.oh no I have to run to a mh appt,I'll be back later.0 -
At first I was shocked with how Mel's life ended and then I thought YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!!! She committed "suicide by cop" and it's the way she wanted to end it...with a blast! I just feel a bit sorry for the cop....
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Hey!
Kind of a thelma&Louise character wrapped up in one hugely talented, kind hearted, loyal, loveable, funny, really good friend.
Barbe, i thought you knew earlier from the fb group. No? Pm me.
I will talk about the SV.Melissa story after her services.
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ok, I am in the dark way over here in Australia. Who is Mel and what 'suicide by cop'? or is it to delicate to talk about?
mac: I know writng a pro and con list sounds kindergarden but it's much easier on paper than having it run hamster circles in your brain. Makes it easier to review logically, but you always have to go with your heart!
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just jumping in here.. mel was Still verticle on bco; but was always a kinda "wild card" those of us who knew her, loved her.. generous in spirit, but generous when she didn't like something, too.. like Barbe said, i had the same twisted reaction.. she ALWAYS did things her way.. looking forward to more details..
Anyone know when the service is?? its gotten me here, anyway.. 3jays
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3jaysmom: thanks for letting me know who Mel was. Wow, did she ever live life, yet it seems like her world crashed from the start of her chemo and she never recovered. Seems like she did more in her lifetime than a dozen people. Makes me think I should get off my butt and DO something!
I used to have goals: finish a triathlon in a certain time, give a great birthday party for my son, have a huge poolside party, a guest room that was in constant use, stained glass projects lined up...............
Maybe I'm getting back into life a little. This renovation on the inside of our home has me now under boxes! I'm cleaning out as I go and everything is going to be lighter and softer. Have someone helping me in the gardens now with the heavy trimming - the guy worked 8 hours yesterday and did more than I could do in 24 hours!.....and then I would hurt so bad afterward........money well spent. I would rather spend on my home and garden than to buy clothes or have a pedi or manicure, facial, or visit the hairdresser.
Oh, I just thought of this. My goal is to tell my BC lung mets to behave or leave while I get on with my life. I am going to get stronger again and learn to laugh and have fun. And just do what I want to do!
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I remember when StillVertical got a double dose of chemo in one shot!! That was so scary to hear that mistakes like that could really happen - not an urgan legend at all!! Then a group of gals partied with Mel on the Outer Banks and got a taste of her wild life. What a gal!! Her wildlife photos are amazing!!
Deb, thanks for the reminder to "just" live life...I get my CT results today...
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barbe, waiting with you on the results. yes the just living our lives is a great reminder. I'm trying to get some more energy somehow, tho.
deb, I am working thro the pros and cons. I met with my mh therapist yesterday, she is such a practical person and really encouraging without being pushy. I keep getting down on myself for not being able to move forward faster. Now it seems that I can not really move into my dad's old house as fast as I thought, so everything is slowing down. It will happen when it is suppose to happen. sigh. Sounds like you are moving along with the house and garden. softer and lighter sounds good. I like your goal.
3jays, I am glad to see you back, but sorry for the reason.
This disease affects us all. I was talking to my friend from rads, who has a different kind of cancer, and we were both saying that our lives have changed so much and we (I) can't seem to just step back into our old lives, we need to forge a new path. So the sun has just come out here and I am taking my grocery list and heading to the store. I just picked up the phone and called the guy about the shop, but he was busy so that conversation is on hold again. Small steps forward are better than no steps.
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barbe: please let us know your results
mac: we have to move forward or this disease wins! No, we can't just resume our before BC life. If we try too hard, I think that is depressing as we have experienced this disease, physically and mentally, and no matter what, it leaves an imprint on us. It's how we deal with that imprint. I'm all for taking my time, taking my anti anxiety pills now, resting when I need to and before I need to (important lesson for me to learn) and to not do things at breakneck speed but steady on.
My quality of life has become the most important thing to me now and sometimes I get selfish: I think of me first instead of putting my dear son and husband and BFF's first, which is what I always used to do....and so now I actually can give more of the 'good me' to them..............
and even though this discussion is entitled about depression - I don't see why here we can't share the good that we are learning back to have in our lives and how we got to that point. Yet we can still come here and moan, groan, bitch and complain and be understood with compassion....something many of us can't always get at home!
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CT results showed clear lung and liver and no ascites. I do have lymph nodes showing in my axillia and sternum (but aren't they there anyway?) but the Onc said they were too small (at this time) to even show up on any other scan. Bone growth on spine seems to be the same as what MRI saw last summer. Radiologist recommended a bone scan which I won't do as then they'll want an MRI and I can't have one with my pacemaker. As the Onc said, I already show an uptake with the bone scan, so why put more nuclear stuff into me? She wanted to see me in 4 months. I know cancer doubles in size every 180 days - 6 months, so I'm glad she's not waiting the full 6 months to see what these nodes are up to.
As for our old life, it aint' going to happen! We've lost our innocence!! We have looked death in the eye and we know the gun AND bullet that will probably kill us. That is hard to walk away from. The best thing is just to find small joys every day in little things. Forget the grand gestures in life now and look for the small, steady stuff - sunrises, new buds, birds returning, etc.....
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mac, I'm proud of you for making that call to the potential new owner of your business!!! That's a cool way to let all your efforts to build the business to carry on. When I closed down my quilt store after 5 years I had nothing to show for it. I wish someone had bought it...but that's another story.
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barbe, you have groups of lymph nodes all through the trunk area of your body. Glad for you with your results.
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Just popping in for a quick hello. I have to go back some and catch up. Barbe glad you got good results!
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
3Jays hope you are feeling stronger every day.
Hugs to all
Diane
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Hi Ladies - barbe - thrilled your CT results so far are good. A bone scan is a good option for a full check of your skeleton. It is a very small dose, and checks you from head to toe. The down side is - it picks up everything, so if your spine is inflamed due to your disc problems it will show that area as hot, and then further tests are needed to see why the area is hot. They should be able to compare a new scan with your old scan and decide on a diagnosis that way, so maybe it would be a good test for you to put your mind at rest. Hang in there.
3jays - keep well - you can't keep a good woman down!! Hope you don't have any lingering problems from the stroke.
justagirl- glad to hear you are resting BEFORE you get too tired. Thinking of you.
mac - good luck with the business hand over.
Di - nice to hear from you.
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Maddie, I've had 3 or 4 bone scans and they all show uptake. MRI's show bone growth on my spine which they are pretty sure is arthritis. I don't like the "pretty sure" comment and wanted it rechecked which is why they did the CT. On the CT results they recommended I get a bone scan!! We KNOW the bone scan will show uptake so there's no point in doing yet another one. At least I'm seeing my Onc in 4 months.
I know we have lymph nodes all over our bodies, so why do they say "lymph nodes in the axillia and media sternum". Do they mean "bigger" ones, "darker" ones or what??? That's the comment that is bugging me, but I'm not going looking for trouble. I must have smiled like a light bulb when she looked up from reading the results because she said I looked wonderful! I said I felt GREAT!!!!! Couldn't get mad at anything all day, just too pleased. I was so sure my liver was toast....I already have a compromised liver due to Tylenol poisoning and I have non-alcohol related fatty liver disease as well. I don't drink. Go figure...sigh.
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Barbe, I think things look good for you, you know what MOST of it means..
I had a shock yesterday when i saw the cardio. I'll be seeing a slew of drs now. a vascular specialist, a pulmonologist and a stroke program, as my speech is still slurred. tyoping is hard, but easier than tal;king! he told me I was "primned" for another heart attack and scared the bejeezes outta me! No excersice AT ALL good thing he doesn't know what i've
Really been doing!He wants me in cardio and stroke rehab.. all this is cause the surgeon called him, and said my main Aorta ( the one they call the widowmaker ) is "leatherlike " in texture.. my cardio was honest, told me that it was moist likely from chemo..Cytoxin, in particular. that was the drug i got sooo dehydrated on.. seems it dried out the aorta..i'm won dering, what other organs? but, im going to just try to do what he suggests. so monday, the calls to the rehabs begin.I'm even willing to in house, if they want.. but i hope they won't..
How i
'm going to aford it, or get there, remains to be seen. Then, after all that, he tells me no, he won't rx for xanax, like the iold cardio did.. so, its off to a Physchiatrist for me! my anxiety level is thru the roof! I think the neuro might, as well. No way am I going to go without, thats' for sure!!
i'M going to try to be more current here, but its so hard to keep up, yet... Im glad you made the call, too mac. Yopu've done your part, and to have your work carried on is a great thing! 3jAYS
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Barbe - no doctors report of a MRI would say 'pretty sure it's arthritis'. It is or it isn't or they can say inconclusive and advise recheck in x number of months if sypmptoms persist. As to the comment about your lymph nodes, seems like they are just remarking that they see them /the images of them.
3jays: how mean and hurtful for the Dr to not prescribe Xanax. When anyone has to deal with the multiple health problems you do, Xanax or something like it is necessary, not a hmmmmm choice. I would like to see that cardio Dr deal with all you do without Xanax or have to listen to his wife deal with your symptoms and body without any medication. Heck, that's what Xanax is designed for. This is not the time for you to be stressing your heart.So, get an emergency appointment with the phhyschiatrist ASAP.
We had two house guests arrive today for three days and hubby went to bed at 4pm with his cold. It's cold and icky rainy out so that limits what I can do with them for the next three days.
Luckily, my dear son knew this weekend might tire me out and/or be stressful so he came home today and cooked dinner tonight while I made the salad and sat around for a couple of hours and made polite conversation with people he doesn't even know (old friends of our from Kauai). Such a good boy. He just now came in 9pm and asked if he could go out with his friends. I said he didn't have to ask me, I just like to know and to call me if they can't get a taxi home. He said not to worry, he would wait if there was a line for the taxi, that I needed my sleep. What did I do to deserve such a loving and thoughtful son?
I am trying hard to avoid stress and anxiety but I have to say my anti-anxiety pills are my 'miracle' pills. I think they have helped keep me semi-sane since this diagnosis of lung mets and all the testing. My Dr said I might become addicted to the anti-anxiety pills and I just shrugged my shoulders. Does she think I care. I don't. All I care about is enjoying each day as much as I can and if I have to be a little selfish or whatever, I'm doing or not doing it.
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