Great saying about depression
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Hey Debbie, I had a blast on my vacation. Like you I am grabbing for all the joy in life that I can. My DD and I had so much fun. We went zip lining and rappelling down into cenotes and snorkeling in underground caves. Oh yeah, we also did lots of laying around by the pool and beach. I got so much confidence back. I am feeling so much better being off the arimidex. My mood is lighter, my pain is much less. My hands are still stiff, but my knees and hips are so much better. I have to get in touch with my MO on Monday because it has been 4 weeks. She is going to want me on some med, so I'm relishing this feeling good time.
I get the not liking change and the chaos in your house. But it will be worth it in the end, right? I have to have a new septic system put in. They are going to have to dig up most of the yard and driveway. They have to dig up a dogwood tree and move it, we hope it will survive. I would much rather be picking out paint and new curtains. LOL anyway, I like the way you are doing it all your way.
My DD and I did some water aerobics classes while we were on vacation. One of the exercises involved keeping our arms up out of the water and moving them in different ways. The other women were very impressed with the way I kept my arms up the whole time. Ha Ha If they knew what led to getting the strength back in my upper body.
It certainly was not like doing a triathlon or jumping from the water onto a moving canoe. Whoo whoo, you sound like a real strong lady!!!
I gotta go pick up my DD, she is now here visiting for 2 weeks. Talk to ya'll later.
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I turned 55 on the 16th and felt good about that. Kind of in a funk still as my psych has me reading a book about BPD and it's scary to read about yourself and how you are just a "disorder"!! Aren't we ALL just disorders? Some better than others? I'm having a hard time with the suicide chapter. Suicide has alway been 'an option' for me. It's always there. In fact, I tried it twice. Once very young with aspirin (part of what deafens me) and once with every pill I could find. My whole family was called to my bedside and they came from all over the country, and USA too. When I came out of the coma, my big lawyer brother leaned over the bed and said "Thanks Bub, now I have to pay full fare!' I will NEVER, EVER forget those words.......
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Hi justagirl- thanks for the advice. I know about cranberry juice, but although I love fesh fruit and fruit juice, I am not too keen on cranberry juice. I bought the tablets instead, and will take them. I have just finished a course of antibiotics for a bladder infection about 2 weeks ago. I am sending another sample to my GP, as I feel so weak, if it is not a bladder infection then something else is wrong. I hardly have the energy to crawl to the toilet. I finished chemo in October, but am still on herceptin. The lethargy was slowly getting better, but it has hit me again, so feel there is something other than chemo causing it. Bet you are thrilled the big things are finished around the house.
Mac - I LOVE snorkelling. I am so jealous! We are going away at the end of june for a bit of sea and sun, and am looking foward to that. So glad to hear you are feeling so much better
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Happy belated bday, Barbe!!!! From one disorder to another! I hope you break through the funkness soon!
Hey Maddie, sorry, you are not feeling better. The sea and sun is something to look forward to. Hang in there.
I have to get in touch with my MO tomorrow, because my AI vacation is over. boo, hiss!!!!!! I am not sure which direction she wants me to go in. She did inform me that I have to take some med. I have also gotten the lecture from all my other docs, too.
Having fun with my DD that is visiting for two weeks.
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Hi Barbe - Happy birthday!!!!! Don't read the suicide chapter or anything else in that book!!! You are too brave and feisty for suicide - you're over that!!! Maybe your brother was trying to be funny. When my Uncle had his leg amputated my brother made a joke about saving on socks. He was trying to lighten the situation, and my Uncle who had a wicked sense of humour would normally have found it really funny, but it didn't go down too well!!!
Mac - how much longer do you have to take the Al for? I was going to say quality of life is as important as life, and maybe you could leave the medication, but as you have a number of lectures about it, you will have to stick with it!! Poor you.
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Barbe - Happy belated birthday - couldn't use computer as they were painting the stairs to where it sits. I say don't read the book too!
...........mac - sounds like you and your DD had a blast! Wonderful!
Maddie - cranberry capsules should work as well. I just worry when we take antibiotics we are wiping out the good bacteria as well as the bad and weakening our immune systems.
Yeah - painting is done. Just flooring and drapes to finish and it is done all my way! Now just to hang some pictures back up but not all. It was getting too cluttered and the painted walls are just so lovely. Bought a new kitchen clock - ceramic which is a big coffee cup with three copper wires coming from the top in swirls like steam from the coffee and below the coffee swings a ceramic spoon - tick tock - time for coffee! I think my husband thinks I am crazy.
It's starting to be cold here. Dropping to 8C at night and 16 to 22 during the day but if it's not windy I can still be outside. Today will be hauling things back upstairs to our bed and bathroom from living in the dining room, like camping. Brought down guest queen size mattress and it definietely is not large enough for us, Jaki (dog) and Fred(cat) so three nights with not much sleep with those two fighting over who gets the closest to us.
Barbe - if we were truthful with ourselves, I think many of us would of contemplated suicide at least once in our lives but you, it would of been a sad loss for me, as you have a way with words and are so talented with your sewing and tapestry. We just have to fight harder sometimes!
thinking of all of you.
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mac - I used to be a strong person, even though I am only 5' 3" and 110 pounds. BC has taken a lot of that away, especially the loss of my latissimus dorsi muscle to help make my radiated pec muscle support the implant.
I used to do even more before I became a Mum, when I switched to safer things. Would you believe in my early 20's I skated roller derby with a norther California tearm called the Bay Bombers. I loved flying around that oval and knocking other women over. What does that say about me? And I was the smallest one on the tearm and a blocker. Our coach thought the other teams would think I couldn't hold them back because of my lack of size. Hah!
Now I feel my job and training goes into fighting these breast cancer mets. I do better with the body part than the mind. Thank heaven my Dr put me on anti-anxiety pills. Today is the 4 month anniversary of when I found out I had lung mets. Don't think I will back a cake and have a party but I've made it 4 months without any symptoms! Yippee for me!
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Debbie, why didn't they make you a jammer (is that the right position)??? Your small size and speed would have racked up many points! I just saw the movie Whip It and now I want to skate, too!!!
Thanks for the validations ladies, it always makes me feel good to come here.
Mac, I'm not on any AI and I don't even think about it. I couldn't possibly add any more discomfort to this poor body...sigh.
And Maddie, you know it's US that are allowed to make jokes about boobs, not others. So that applies to amputated feet and attempted suicide, too! Just waking up from a coma is NOT the time to joke!!! Trust me.
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Barbe - I tried being the jammer and one day slightly under calculated a curve and took a railing in my stomach at faster than I would like to think about. I had a bruise across my lower chest for weeks and the pain - yikes! That's when my anger got the best of me and the coach decided I should try blocking as if I was good at it then the other team would send their players to just run over me because I was small - ha, fooled them. My speed was an asset also at catching up when opponents were ahead and forming a mob to get someone else - I could just slip up behind them and elbow them over. Some were so large it didn't take much to topple them if you got their legs.
Ah yes, makes me want to go out and buy another pair of roller skates. Haven't done it since Max was young and the last time he was 10 so I was 51. Hmmmmm, maybe we should all go out and buy roller skates. I always liked that better than running or bike riding and I never liked swimming.
barbe - your brother was soooooooooo far out of line, to make jokes of that nature when anyone is ill is so inappropriate! PS: used spell check this time too!
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wowie,
that is making me feel on cloud nine and i am sure you must have bloated with all the love is giving you, Lucky you.
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Barbe - you know, the more I think about it, the more I want to go buy another pair of roller skates - the old fashioned kind - not roller blades. There are some lovely flat walking areas by a local river which would be perfect and I could put Jaki on her lead and maybe get some of the fat off her. Heck, I can't do any more damage to myself than the cancer is doing. But I will have to keep it a secret from my son - he would go ballistic if he knew! So Barbe - go get your self some skates, take some pain medication , get some elbow, wrist and knee pads and you are good to go. I've had worse injuries coming off my bike than skating. The last accident I had on my bike was while training for a triathlon and had done a 40km ride and as I came down our driveway Jerry let Jaki run out and greet me and she ran right in front of my bike. I slammed on the brakes so hard the back wheel came up and I toppled over the handle bars. One arm was scraped down to the bone and I was bruised everywhere. Oh well, so who is game to try roller skating?
Think I am going crazy. They did the breast cancer tumour blood test yesterday and the CT on my lungs today. I get the results tomorrow. It's agony waiting................
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We will wait in agony with you Debbie!! As for skating, I never did it while I was young. Just fooled around with the kind with the skate key to tighten the skates onto my runners (sneakers)....yes, I AM that old!! I think a "stroll" in blade skates would be a wonderful excercise for you Deb!! It's probably just as natural for you as walking and yet you'd travel more ground. What a nice way to bond with Jaki instead of just cuddling....heheheheh
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Barbe- hey I am older than you! My first pair of skates were the ones you fastened onto your sneakers and they were forever coming off. Then I found out about the roller rink and fell in love with the skates with leather boots attached. It was a proud day when I got my first pair. My step-mom paid for me to take skating 'dance' lessons but all I wanted to do was skate as fast as I could round and round the oval, sometimes squatting down and sticking one leg straight out just to be different. You see, I was not graceful enough to be a dance skater so I went the other way. Just saw the guy at the sports store and he said he can order in me leather boot roller skates! My son will have a hissy fit!
Yes, Jaki could use the exercise. The horses we have now don't run much when she barks and trys to round them up, so her exercise is nil and I usually walk on the treadmill so I can stay warm inside the house. It would be great for both of us. Jaki will go on the treadmill if I tell her to but the look on her face says "Mum, why - I don't like this!"
One more hour until showtime..............
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Good news!
Blood breast cancer tumour marker is 26, down from 56 three months ago (normal is less than 30 - I would think it should be 0) With the tumour marker so low, it decreases the chance of new mets everywhere!
CT lungs; compared to three months ago, no change. No increase in tumour or their size.
Wow - I dodged the bullet this time
Thank you, thank you for all of you supporting me with my anxiety during this!
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justagirl - how terrific about the tumour markers, and lung mets!!!!! Go skating to celebrate!!! Dynamite comes in small packages as they say. If it is warm enough take a back pack with some indulgent snacks and a drink and stop by the river and feed the ducks and then take a leisurely roll home. Glad to hear the reddecorating is nearly over. Once again - can't tell you how thrilled I am at your news.
barbe - I totally agree with you about the jokes - NOT something I would do, but I have found it is usually men who do it. They feel so awkward they blurt out a joke to lighten the situation. Go figure! A few people I know, find they laugh and make jokes at a funeral, and although they are appalled they are doing it they can't seem to stop!
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Maddie - my dear husband used to introduce me to people as his next ex-wife! Yes! And we had only been married a few years but he had been twice before. Well I told him it wasn't funny and he had said I had no sense of humor. Well, about 5 years into our marriage I walked out for about 6 months and my parting words were 'now I'm your ex!'. Well, we got back together and it's now been 30 years together. He still sometimes comes out with some sayings that aren't exactly great, so I have to agree men do come up with some sayings totally in the wrong setting!
I feel terrific! Is a person with BC Stage lV supposed to feel this happy?'
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Justagirl. Congrats on the good readings. Like you,I'm doing better physically than emotionally. I've finally become so depressed that I'm going back on the anti depressant. Lately I've been thinking too much of suicide which is ironic considering how hard I've fought for my life.
I am emotionally exhausted and frightened of the next bad thing happening. I keep saying I can't take another thing and then the next piece of crap comes along. Tired of doctors, cancer, being entirely powerless. This sucks. Wish there was a hole I could hide in and this whole thing would fly over me0 -
Gritgirl, welcome to the group. Sorry for the depression and anxiety that brought you here. I know about wanting to be in a hole,even though my dx is not as severe.I am on an antidepressant for the first time. Coming here has really helped me not feel alone.
Shinning like me,welcome,too.I'm not sure what you were responding to,maybe a different thread.It's hard to find your way around here in the beginning.But keep coming back.
Debbie,I am so happy for your newest results. I say take whatever happiness you can find and enjoy it thoroughly. We are not our dxs or our stages,we are women who are not done living.yay for roller skating. When I was young there was a roller rink in my town,we would go every weekend. It was a blast.
Barbe, hang in here,sweetie. I'm with the others,put the book down and grab a pair of skates. My dd has a hip condition and the only sports she can do are the gliding ones. Roller blading, ice skating(she was the goalie), and now snow boarding.
My MO was out of the office this week so I get another week off meds myself. I am really enjoying the reprieve. Go figure.
On a funnier note. My dd and I went shopping this week. I found the only pair of jeans that I haven't had to hem. Just cause they were advertised as cuffed capri pants doesn't mean I can't wear them with the cuff rolled down. They fit me(less than 5'now) perfectly. LOL0 -
Macatama. Thank you. Cancer can take anyone down.
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That's for sure! It's such a rollercoaster ride. One day doing ok,the next not so much.
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gritgirl: you have landed in the right thread for unconditional support and caring. Some of us have loving husbands, other do not. It doesn't matter. No one knows what it's like to have BC but us. And,I now have lung mets.
Heck, I was anxious every day since the pathology report came back from the lumpectomy that the tumour was aggressive and invasive. Breast surgeon seemed happy the lymph nodes were negative. All I could think of was, crap, this BC can be anywhere in my system. Then the BS told me, yes I reduce my changes of getting BC again since I opted for an elective double mastectomy but there is never any guaranty all breast tissue is gotten from that area or there is not some breast tissue sitting somewhere else!
Thanks to my lovely and caring GP, she started me on anti-anxiety medication about three months before we discovered the mets. I think the magic pills have really helped me stay semi-sane through this.
I hadn't ever contemplated suicide because of the BC, maybe because my mom did it when I was 10 and I was hurt that she would just leave me. And left I was - orphanage and then to my alcoholic father who couldn't hold a job. The orphanage was almost better. BUT, I did tell my Dr if it got to the stage where I was having trouble breathing, eating, etc., I was not going to have my son and husband witness that decline - it would be check-out time as far as I am concerned. I worked years as an ICU nurse, and I've seen how those last months, weeks, days, just tear a families hearts out. Of course euthanizing is illegal here. So spoke with my BFF, who is an ICU RN like me and she said 'not to worry' about that and she would move from Kauai here to watch over my husband - I'm 60 and he is 79 and to provide a woman's/motherly guidance to my 19 year old son, who ended up with depression and anxiety over my BC diagnosis. He had screaming nightmares, almost didn't pass his last year of school, and would stand in the middle of his room, crying and crying and saying 'I hate myself'. Oh dear. Broke my heart.
Well, there is a point to all of this gritgirl. I read your blog and it shows you are strong, have grit and determination and a heck of a lot of great advice for people with any kind of cancer or friends/relatives with cancer. You have so much to give and people like me need people like you who express themselves so eloquently.
I do think once we have the initial BC, our reaction to other health issues is measured against our BC. At least I do.
My son told me last week he was going to fail one of his uni courses and he was disappointing his Dad and I and it's a requirement for his double major. I said to stop stressing on it, I'd see if I can get a withdrawal on his record instead of a fail, as I believe it's due to my lung mets and how it would stress him. And I don't need my boy stressed. He has been on an anti-depressant for 1 1/2 years and improved so much. I always told him, tell me anything, talk to me. It can be between him and me. Forget Dad. If it's something Dad needs to know, like this 'F' grade, well, I will explain it and he will be ok with it, which he was. I am just so glad when my son was upset he called me. He said he had gone to all the lectures, gone to all the tutorials, asked questions, and just doesn't quite 'get' it. It's some kind of maths course, and maths and physics have always been easy for him, so this course must be a toughie. I told him to sign up for it next semester, but also sign up for one less course to allow more study time and check with the tutor to see if he/she does private tutoring, which we will pay for. My son was worried about the cost of failing the course. I said it doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel. And if we eliminate this which is stressing you out and taking time from your other subjects that you are doing well in, so what!
I always try and pin-point exactly what is stressing me out and then ask myself if it's really worth upsetting myself. More than not, it isn't.
Life is simple now to me gritgirl. And you have made that change too. What's a blood clot that can be dissolved in the whole scheme of things.
Don't give up now when you have just joined us. We need your wisdom! You can feel free to come here and rant, rave, let off steam, or whatever and we will listen. We are not here to judge you or anyone. We support each other as we take each day one at a time but also look forward with hope.
Hey Mac - I'm with you in the shortie club. Every pair of pants I buy have to be altered. My son calls me 'Little Mum' as I am only 5' 3" to his 6' 4". I tell him to never underestimate me - I may be little but determined! Will have to look for some capri pants............
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Justagirl. You are very eloquent. Have you been mets since 2010? Then that would be 3 years out for you. Good for you.
I have been not smart in that I have not wanted to go back on to anti depressants, yet it is clear I needed to be back on them. Thank you all for your warm welcome. It means so much.
Justagirl. I'm determined to keep living. And then when the time comes, I will not die from the cancer. I'm with you.
But meanwhile, I will live. There are many women living with this for years. You and me will be two of them. :-)0 -
gritgir: me eloquent? Ha, it's just me, my dog and the kangaroos out here, so most of my communication is computer or phone. I can't even spell eloquent!
Hmmm. Mets. In March 2010 I was diagnosed with bc tumour in one breast, which was resting right on my sternum, and the breast surgeon said after the lumpectomy she had to shave some bone off my sternum to get a clean margin....but no one ordered at CT of my lungs. So maybe I have and maybe I haven't had the lung tumours since then. We just discovered them by accident mid January this year when my GP was doing a blood check on me as my son had Glandular Fever. Mine came back with it, raised liver enzymes and what she didn't tell me then a breast cancer tumour count of 80. So she suggested a CT of my liver due to the raised enzymes (she thought I had liver mets) and it came back my liver was swollen but ok but the tech doing the Ct had clipped the bottom of my lungs and the radiologist whom I have gotten to know too well, called me and said is anything going on with your lungs. Oh oh. Back for CT lungs. Results: Too numerous to count multi-focal metastases all over the lung lobes, with only two measurable at 5 and 7mm, with concentration at the bases and up along the sides. When I say the CT, heck, all these tumours were pin point in size and all over, like little sparkly lights on a Christmas tree, with a much heavier density as the radiologist said at the bottom. Well, 4 months later and my blood count is down to 26 (under 30 is normal) and is was 56 6 weeks ago and there is no change on the CT.
I feel lucky. Hmmm, who feels lucky that they have mets? An idiot like me who takes any little improvement and hangs hope on it. I flew out of the doctors office that day. That was Friday. Now it's Tuesday and I am less anxious but still taking my pills. And I will for the rest of my long life if I want. The Dr said I could become addicted to them and I responded 'so' and she said I could become addicted to the pain medication (I have three collasped discs in my lower back thanks to Femara and now Tamoxifen leaching the calcium from my bones) and as I like to stay active on our property I would be flat in bed in pain without the pain pills.
So grit girl - get thee straight back onto your anti-depressants. I do so think it appropriate.
Yes, many women live for many many years with mets, that come and go, and have this or that treatment. I am aiming for the long run. I haven't cut my hair since it grew back from chemo and now it's past my shoulders and going down my back - longer than I used to wear it. Nope, only the ends trimmed, thank you, I say to the hairdresser. I'm not cutting my hair until I have to have chemo again - if ever! Someone recently told me 60 year old women shouldn't wear their hair long, or go without a bra or wear shorts in public. So I told her no one had to look!
I hope all of us,even though the pain and rough times, can look forward and hope for a better tomorrow. Life is special. My son just came home yesterday afternoon late, had dinner with us, we sat and watched tv. Went to bed. We have a thing. He comes in and hugs and kisses me good night in bed and then a few minutes later I put my book down and creep down the hall, crawl over onto his bed, give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and thank him for coming home. It always feels so good - reminds me of tucking him in when he was little......Makes me happy to be able to do these little things which make my heart sing with joy.
Come on back Gritgirl - we've a great group here. I'm going back to read more of your blog. I like the part about a volunteer picking up your dog's poop when you are too weak to. THAT is a true caring friend!
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Hi girls: i'd like towelcome gritgirl to this group, as well. and Shining, if it was a mistake I hope shell return.
I haven't felt muchlkie "talking" layely..i'm really in a dark, and angry hle. but , I have been lurking, and Debbie, thank you. You don't know how much you give me encouragemnet.
Glove to all.3jaysot more bad news as far as my heart goes, and haven't really been feeling well. Drs, can't decide what to do with me, as yet. I was schedualed to start an MS drug, but now they say my heart is enlarged, so theu don't know if i can. Waiting to hear..
but, life goes on, i'm so discouraged that i can't get my house all in order.. but it's a "yet" so i just put one foot in front of another.. so you guys keep on keeping on, as well..
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Missed my last two months of school teaching before the summer because of the BC diagnoses in Feb and surgery in March. Live alone and dealing with a lot of depression now. Everyone I see asks how I am doing --it is nice of them but overwhelming. Invited to a couple end of the school year functions but did not go because I know there would be too many people inquiring about my health. Don't get me wrong--the teachers have helped me tremendously--cooking for me for 6 straight weeks, etc. It just I don't feel like one of them any longer. I don't know where I belong and I was so angry that I missed the last two months of classes with my students. Some. I will not see again. I feel like I deserted them, however I know my health is priority. I keep getting all these invites to these summer parties and i don't think people get it that I am still healing--- the reconstruction process is extremely hard on me and I don't always want to be around people--so I have been turning them down left and right. I may be losing friends --don't know I do feel like I am a strong individual though--and I need to do what is best for me mentally and physically.
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Hang in there 3jays and dwilli. I've been taken it one tiny step at a time and reaching out (very important).
Because I was taking Sam-E and you can't mix that with SSRI, I need to wait a few days to let SAM-E to clear out of system, to answer your message justagirl. Thank you so much for checking with me
Twojays, I'm so sorry you have added complications. That sucks.
Dwilli, might do you good to just go to a gathering for even a little bit. It is very cool you are being invited.0 -
Hey everyone, I am glad to see this thread picking up again. I just wrote a long post and lost it. ughh!
3jays, let the house sort out itself and sit on your patio and enjoy your flowers. So good to hear from you, even if you are feeling down. I am back on an inhaler (zopenex) because my lungs are wheezing again.
dwilli, I remember when I didn't like going to the grocery store (I live in a small town) and everyone would ask how I was. It has gotten a lot better. I am in therapy, working on not feeling guilty about not doing the stuff I use to do. Or not feeling guilty about taking care of myself instead of everyone else. Somedays are better than others.
debbie, that was nice how you handled your DS's class situation. School is so hard! My DS is starting an online Master's Course next week. He is already stressing about it. I wonder if he gets so worked up because I was always so stressed when he was younger. Being a single mom with financial struggles, I was always working. Now I just try to stay calm and talk him through situations over the phone.
I still haven't heard from my MO about restarting my AI. I should probably call tomorrow, but I don't wanta.
I am having trouble with my hands. They are very stiff and weak. They use to be the strongest part of my body because of the work I did. Now it is so painful just to try to make a fist and then it feels like the knuckles catch and then spring open again. A very strange sensation.
Well, I gotta try to get some sleep. Hope everyone has some joy in their lives!
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3jays: oh no, not more health complications? What did you do? Walk under a ladder, have a black cat cross your path, step on a crack when walking on the sidewalk? No wonder you feel like you do, rotten, tired and frustrated. I hope they figure out how your heart is so they can put you on a MS medication if that will help. Like mac said, 3jays, don't worry about the boxes and getting the house in order. Your health and rest is more important. I'll all for going out in your garden or spending some time sitting by the pool.
mac: sorry you had to go back to using the inhaler for the wheezing, but if it helps - good! It usually takes a while to see progress from therapy. I truly have not met one woman with BC who has not felt guilty about taking care of themselves first, or at all, and have guilty feelings about all they aren't doing for their family. Hey, I did it, and finally my husband said none of it mattered. I finally figured out they were just glad I was alive and they were not pressuring me - I was pressuring myself. The anxiety pills my Dr gives me now have help dramatically, as I feel I am going forward with my life, but at my speed. The redoing of the inside of our house should be finished tomorrow, and it started over 3 months ago. Three months of boxes, clutter, people in the house, missed sleep-ins (my favourite) and complete lack of privacy and peace (oh I crave that). Now it's just the pelmets and window seat cushions but the lady making them has been sick with the flu. I stopped to check in on her and she was working but sick so told her to just go home (she's 70) and she said some customers keep calling every day as they have given her a deadline. Heck, what is the rush for window coverings or window seat cushions?
I truly think some people have forgotten the art of caring for others instead of just thinking me me me. Sad.
So Mac you think I handled the situation with DX's class situation ok? I think of parenting sometimes as an experiment - try one thing and if it doesn't work, try something else!
Don'e blame you Mac for not wanting to go back on your Al. You may not wanta, but you gotta. Please? Remember, we all are trying to do all we can to enjoy another morning's sunrise.................
gritgirl: I just had to check in on you. Don't mean to be invasive. Remember, as you said, we will fight and push on for a long long time.
Dwlll: hey, give your self a break today, tomorrow, the next day and in the days to come. You are so new to all of this. Heck, you were just diagnosed in February, so go gentle with yourself! I am sure you feel guilt and sadness for having to leave your students so abruptly but I am sure those that cared about you like you cared about them just wanted you to get the treatment you needed. You did not let them down. It is not like you all of a sudden decided to take a two month vacation! Yikes - just the opposite - two months of starting to learn about a whole new lifestyle. It is challenging to get back out after your initial diagnosis and treatments and starting medications. Go slow. Your energy is not at it's optimum now, and psychologically, you have a lot to process. But you are still a teacher and obviously these people still consider you one of them. Some ask how you are because they really care. Others just say it. A simple answer is: 'I'm healing and regaining my strength'. The end. Then you ask them a open ended question and get the spotlight off you. As to the party invitations, no, don't go if you are in pain or exhausted, but maybe you could attend a few, take a nap before, stay awhile, like an hour, then quietly tell your host you'll have to head home. If you don't go, be sure to call and say you just aren't up to it yet but appreciate the invite. If they fixed you dinners for weeks on end, you have a lovely group of co-teachers/friends. First lesson: be kind to yourself. Nothing or very few things must be done today or immediately. Relax.
And now it's only 6;30pm but I'm frazzled as they were laying the wooden floor today on the main level and I have a cat and dog wandering around and next I'm dismantling this computer. My throat is sore and my ear itches inside. Just as long as whatever it might be stays away from my lungs. I've got enough in them already
So talk with you all in a couple of days.
We all must keep putting one foot in front of the other..........
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Thanks for checking on me, justagirl. Its been rocky for me. I've been stuck in fear of the future, feeling very anxious. I couldn't take the antidepressants because I had been using an herbal supplement that didn't mix with the antidepressant. So I had to wait until the supplement was out of my system before starting the antidepressant. I just took my first dose last night. Also trying to meditate to cope with the anxiety. I make the mistake of dropping in on the stage iv thread every once in awhile, and every time I do that, I am left feeling far worse. Even the people who are doing well talk about depressing things on that thread. So I do my best to stay away, but for some reason every once in awhile I click in and it is not a good thing. This is not an easy disease to live with, but there are stories of miracles out there, and I would like to focus on those. I don't want to live the rest of my days planning my death. Screw that. praying we all get to a better space soon. We deserve that.
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Deb, CONGRATS on the low tumour markers!! You must be thrilled still. What a great response. Poor Max, there's that "guilt" thing again! Amazing how often it comes up in our lives....he was afraid to disappoint you guys, but what was he feeling for himself?
Mac, if you were a single Mom and now have a child going for a MASTERS, then you done good girlfriend!!! Sorry you're on another inhaler but so many of us need pharmaceutical aid these days...sigh. When you say you "lost a post" do you press "preview" instead of "submit"?
Grit, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I have always considered suicide as an option in every situation. Meds take 3-6 weeks to begin to work, so going off and on them doesn't give you a proper "safety net". Also, please know, some meds actually MAKE you feel suicidal!! I found Prozac did that to me. Weird eh?
dwilli, you could have one of your colleagues be your "diplomat" and answer questions from others for you. Keep her/him updated to pass news on. You are STILL healing!!! It takes months. Some may ask how you are out of habit, some out of curiosity and some may not even really care.... I HATED people asking me, so I just kept a smile on my face and said "oh fine" whenever asked so they stopped asking. It's tough being a poster child for breast cancer, isn't it??
I read through the suicide chapter and finished the book. I feel ripped off that I lost half my life to this disorder. I want a re-take!!!
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