Great saying about depression
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barbe: that's very, very sweet of you to offer. i was trying to use SAM-E instead of my usual SSRI antidepressant. For some people it works great, but I finally had to call uncle and go back on to the SSRI. Unfortunately, the two can't be mixed, so I had to wait until the SAM-E was cleared out. I started back on the SSRI today. I am a chick, so one of my biggest issues with the SSRI was the weight gain. But I guess I'm gonna just have to be fat. Plus, I'm in menopause now due to chemo, so fat I will be for sure. I've been watching what I've been eating and exercising, and haven't lost weight anyway. So SSRI, menopause and fat me. :-( But, hey, it is what it is, right?
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I've been playing phone tag with my MO. Her office called today to ask me to get an appointment for July 26th,but we gotta figure out the AI situation before that. I had to try 2 different antidepressants before I found one that worked well for me. So I'll just have to keep experimenting. I feel like I am always home but I went outside for about 10 minutes and that is when she called.I finally gave up waiting and went for a nice walk with a friend. It's getting warm here.
Barbe,thanks for the compliment about my parenting.It's amazing to me that he has gone from IEPs to graduate school. He is very focused. I don't know what I do to lose the posts. I think I hit back on my tablet with one of my fingers that aren't typing. Sorry you feel like you got ripped off in life. All we can do is move forward, right?
Deb,I will miss you while your computer is unhooked. I am glad you are getting your house back,though.
I had a carpenter come to finish a job today at my house. At one point he was looking all around for something,so I asked what he was looking for. He said he had put down a plastic bag with some screws in it. I look out in the yard and the dog is shaking a plastic bag in her mouth. We never did find the screws. Now he has to come back tomorrow. Lol
About weight, everyone tells me how great I look because I have lost weight, I am just never hungry anymore. The meds affect everyone so differently. I have to bite my tongue before coming out with something sarcastic.0 -
Barbe: oh I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you back the years you have 'lost' but all any of us can do is be here today, do as we feel like doing, and go to sleep knowing we will get another chance tomorrow. That's me trying to put a positive spin on reading such a depressing book.
Your suggestion to our newest member was great: appoint one person as her spokesperson. I found that social situation difficult to manage too. Did the standard 'I'm fine' when someone would ask because they really don't want to know how bad I feel and how my mind has been taken over by the BC demons.
Mac: isn't that just the way things go for us - you step outside 10 minutes and the doctor's office calls. No, no way can you stay off your med for almost two months. Just call tomorrow and explain the situation to a nurse and I'm hopeful you will get in sooner. It is so important. As to your weight, for the first time in my life, after I found out about the lung mets, I lost another 3kg and I guess that was way overdoing it. Like you, food doesn't taste as good as it used to. Sometimes I get in my mind I want something, get it, take a bite, and then don't want it. I did manage to put 2 kg back on with eating ice cream and chocolate every day. I know, so nutritious, but at least the ice cream had calcium in it. All my life I have had to watch my weight to keep it under control. With being short, it's easy for me to become 'thick'....and it's a joke that now I have the opposite problem. It is challenging to not say something scarcastic when people comment on how skinny I am. When Max and went back to Kauai in February, my friends there were in shock at how thin I was. They asked what kind of diet I had been on. Since it had only been two weeks since I found out about the lung mets I almost said 'it's the breast cancer mets diagnosis diet' but didn't, as I have only told a few people and my friends here. I don't want to answer questions. So funny about your dog but wonder where the nails were? Jaki was a kleptomaniac when she was a puppy. If you put a screwdriver down, she would take it. If I was reading a magazine out on the porch and left it on the table, it was gone. Hope the workman wasn't too upset....... Mac, I don't know how you managed to raise your son being the sole parent as Jerry and I used to say there are two of us and one of him, and I am exhausted or feel like we are losing. And Max was a good kid. See, it just shows how much willpower and determination you have! Glad you felt up to a walk today and hope you do more soon.
The carpet layers finished tonight and the floor guys finished this afternoon. Ah, the peace.............and the mess..........and all the stuff to put back........but it's just Jerry (and he's gone most of the day) Jaki and Fred. My solitude, peace and quiet has returned. My BFF said this was such a rough thing, all the remodeling, as I am not used to having other people around all day, every day. And the last few days there was no place to hide in the house so went and sat in my studio. Didn't work on glass. Just sat and enjoyed the peace.
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I'm finally back on the anti depressants. I sure hope they help. I have not been able to shake this feeling of hopelessness. Didn't help that I looked in the forum for Stage IV and someone said that folks with mets to the soft tissue tend not to last long. Gee, thanks. I needed that. Just feeling very angry and ripped off about this diagnosis. Tending to focus on all the things I don't have and won't have (husband and children). Yet, at the same time, I'm determined to live.
A guy I know told me that his sister in law had preventative mastectomy recently (she was BRCA1). What I wanted to say was, "Good the f*ck for her." What I did was shrug. Just feeling very, very sad, hurt and angry about this.
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Oh grit girl, I am sorry you are going through this. I feel like stage 4 is right around the corner, as I have had 3 different kinds of cancer since oct.
I am seeing a counselor for anxiety and depression. My boys are grown, divorced, and lost my great job to cancer. Thinking wtf do I have to live for. My counselor provided me with a vest for my lab, it is a service dog vest. He helps me so much. He goes to the store with me and my dr appts.0 -
gritgirl: I do think we all tend to focus on what we don't have when we are down. One of my 3 BFF's is 54, never been married, no children. She loves my son and says in knowing him is the first time she has felt she missed something by not having a child. I told her even though I love my son, and he is lovely, there are rough times being a parent too - so it's not all a cake walk....but I'm glad I have him and she is his special 'Auntie'. My son knows when I die and he inherits what I have, he is to see that she never goes without and he treats her like he treats me. As to my husband of 30 years, and together for 34, truthfully, all those years it hasn't been easy. We have had many downs. Like him all of a sudden wanting to leave Kauai for New Zealand. Hell, I thought I would live in my lovely home on Kauai, with all my friends (and I only have a couple here in Australia after 16 years), my great job in the ICU, and he left me choosing going with him or a divorce. I had many doubts in the next 4 years, and was always ready to leave until we came to Australia to escape the NZ winter and I liked it here and thought if he won't go back to Kauai (and I still have no knowledge of why) then he could darn well move here. So while on vacation I told him I was choosing to move to Australia like he choose to move to NZ. He didn't say a word. We purchased our land and home while still on vacation. Marriage is a compromise, having a child can bring sleepless nights, stress from both and not always being able to do what you want to.
Gritgirl: my BFF lives with this motto: I can do whatever whenever I want to, as I answer to no one. She is happy. She is not living waiting for a man to come into her life. She has developed hobbies. And some habits one might not get away with if living with a husband! What I am trying to say is no, you don't have a husband or child but you have you, and your freedom to do whatever the heck you want to. The only roadblock is your health, and I believe we just have to climb over such things.
With our lV diagnosis,we owe it to ourselves to be as happy and content as we can be every day. And that means doing and saying whatever it is we want. I am not now the perfect wife. I do tell my husband when he pisses me off, which I would never do before. Some days just for the hell of it, I do nothing, no laundry, housework or garden work and lay in bed, with my lovely outlook over the trees and land, and read my book, nap. Sometimes I don't feel like cooking dinner, which I announce at dinnertime. My husband has learned to go out and select some frozen meals he likes and he just nukes one of those. He is happy I am happy.
And Grit Gril, cancer is a funny thing. This bit about soft tissue - heck, cancer didn't read a rule book! And I agree with you, read the positive and inspiring stuff as I do on two threads: success stores for Stage lV and people with lung mets. Even the lung mets one is 99% positive as we all seem to want to get as much as we can out of this life. I hope your antidepressants kick in. I love my anti-anxiety pills...........
Michele: of course you are anxious and depresses. Unfortunately my months of therapy did no good - I needed chemical intervention, which I did not get for over another year until I got my new GP and she said I shouldn't be living the way I was - so anxious and afraid to be happy, and hiding under the covers in bed until noon. My dog, Jaki, is a border collie/kelpie, and my constant partner. When I was first diagnosed she would sit with me in the closet where I would go to sob so I wouldn't wake up my husband and she would lean into my, put her paw on my arm and lick my tears off my face. She goes with me in the car when it is cool enough but is afraid of other people, so is content to wait in the car. She has her blanket and pillow in the back seat. Friends have remarked my dog has a lovely kennel. She sleeps at night next to me, always touching me.
Obviously your life has had dramatic unheavals with the boys grown and your divorce and loss of job. You really need to explore with your therapist what would bring you joy and happiness and go do it. Maybe something creative, maybe a light exercise routine with your lab.
We all need to practice to some degree on how to be happy and selfish, by doing what we want, as we are precious and should be treasured, even if you are living on your own. I do it, and my husband is happy, as he is scared to death of me dying and he thinks if you are happy, anyone will live longer. We'll see.
Just don't give up! On step, one day at a time. Therapy, medication, whatever it takes. I find exercise helps me too.
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Cancer tends to kick the crap out of folks and it sure kicked the crap out of me. It's a big challenge to adjust to this new reality. I talk to folks, post here, see a counselor, take my antidepressant, exercise.
Justagirl, I had a chance to have a baby years ago, but I had sadly chosen a very abusive man. That was a sad, sad moment for me. At times like this, I will dwell on that. I frankly did not want to be single and childless, but it is the reality. Acceptance is a bitch.
I think the hardest part of this is that all the people who helped me have mostly gone about their lives and tend not to check on me. Plus, I lost some very close friends due to moving out of the area. Still mourning that. I known they care, but this is a lonely place. People just have their own lives.
Feeling less hopeless lately, so the antidepressant must be kicking in.0 -
Thank you Debbie, my lab gets me out. We are going to start walking trails at a state park near my house. I have been divorced for 13 years and like being able to come and go as I please.
I was thinking the other day, when I come here there is cancer everywhere. I go to the store, and other places and I do not see anyone with cancer. So I feel like I am in my own world(even though I'm not). My friends just don't get it most of the time. So I come here and read and relate. Some people are addicted to Facebook, not me. My addiction is here and it has got me through some dark days.0 -
Michele. I'm with you. I feel like I'm part of a special club. I'm so grateful you all are here. Recently when I was at one of my lowest moments, it was the thought of who would take care of my dogs that stopped me. They don't deserve to just be left.
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gritgirl, trust me on this one...your dogs will be taken care of. We had a member recently go out in a blaze of glory and members here were aggressive until they learned where her furbaby was and were able to tell us all that he was adopted and happy.
I would rather be alone than in an abusive relationship! I am worth much more than that.....and so are you!
gritgirl, where is your mets? You kinda showed up on the thread and I don't know you, but if you are here, you are in the right place!
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My mets were to the liver and none spot on bone. I'm stable now, thank god. I have guardians named for my dogs, but I have a pit bull whose guardian told me he can't take him now. It's probably a good thing my pit bull isn't called for since if I thought my dogs were good, I might have ended it
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I do feel like we are a very special group of women. We are women who fight to live, fight to get up every morning, go to endless doctors and have blood drained out for tests. (the other day my Dr thought I looked pale, well, heck, they just last week sucked 4 tubes of my blood out!). Things that other people don't even think about doing, we have to strategizise and plan. We have to allow for rest periods in with our activities (I sure did on our vacation to Kauai i Feb).
Besides the damage and changes that has occurred within our bodies, our minds and souls have been deeply hurt and traumatized, and I think that is why we are a special group. We wake up in the morning and have to work on each day, with a mind set to have a good day and get as much out of it as we can.
Our bodies have changed. Heck, I didn't resent the double mastectomy or my implants - don't give them a second thought, but resent the plastic surgeon having to take my latissimus dorsi muscle from my back to do a boob on the radiated side. I know it was necessary but I need all my muscles. I'm only 5' 3" and 110 pounds, and do a lot of heavy work (or used to) around our property: fencing, building rock walls, water features, using a chainsaw (of which you sure don't want your arm to crap out on you in the middle of). Some times I get so frustrated I just cry.
My husband and son (when he's here) have been great, but my husband is 79 and hasn't done anything in the house or outside in the garden or paddocks ever and we have been together 34 years. He was a city boy and me a country girl, so it was easier for me to just dig in and do stuff myself and I enjoyed it. Now he helps me and it's nice he volunteers. I remember coming home from the hospital after 10 days, and were were having torrential rains, which were threatening to flood the lower level of our home, which half is built into the hillside. Due to the lay of the lawn, the water was sheeting down to the house, so at midnight Jerry informs me the downstairs is almost ready to flood and I think of muddy water, pool table and exercise equipment down there carpet....and march outside, get a shovel and start digging a trench around the back of the house to divert the water away. Jerry stood on the porch and watched me (he has a 'delicate back' ) and after a while asked me if I needed anything. I said 'a Diet Coke, my pain pills and the muscle relaxers' He just went in and got them, gave them to me and continued to watch. I swore and him and the rain the whole time I dug, which was about two hours, but it worked and no water in the house. After that, I was in bed three days. I knew those times were over. I called a plumber and for $3,000 he could put in a permanent drainage system. I discussed it with Jerry and he said 'well, it's a lot of money, but if you want to' and I said it wasn't I WANTED to but we had to as my ditch digging days were over. End of story and $3,000 later, it's done and works perfectly. I wish I could of done the work, and I know how but couldn't manage the labour.
So our lives have changed so much.
I worry if I die who will watch over my aging husband and give guidance to my son. He is 19, but still maturing and needs to be told things from time to time. Raising him is not over. I know my son will take care of my dog and cat but since my dog is so attached to me and when separated gets anxious, then what happens when 'Mummy' doesn't come home? Rough things to think about and all I can think to do is fight like hell to stay here in this life. And I will!
I have lost many friends here in Australia. They think because I'm not having any more surgeries or chemo, I am finished with cancer but the cancer is not finished with me! Only two friends here know of my lung mets. It's how I want it.
Other woman I have met here have talked of losing way so many friends of many years over their cancer, as they too, think they should be 'over' it. Boy, they should have a visit into my mind! So these women, and myself make new life-long friends here. We meet here, some we facebook and email. Some we telephone. We can talk about how we feel and what is going on or just share in general our lives, and it feels good. All of us wish we could sit across from each other and have a cup or coffee or a glass of wine, but the phone is the next best thing.
I am lucky to have had two BFF's before cancer who have been with me every step of the way and are always there to listen and support and help me. I now have a third BFF, whom I have known for only a year really well, but met on here too. We used to socialize a lot. Now I can't stand crowds or loudness. Since we are just finishing up redoing the inside of our home, I will start having one or two couples over at a time, but if they don't reciprocate, well, the end. I won't be used any more. We also have started meeting one couple at a time at our local small Thai restaurant. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone, which is home, where surrounded by my land, I have security, peace and serenity, and my dog and cat. This is now my life and it suits me.
I realize I am lucky in that I have a husband, but given his age, I know every day is a gift. I'm 60 so consider myselt still young - ha! My son is lovely and caring but now he has a pretty serious girlfriend, so think I've been moved to 2nd place. Which is fine. I want him to be happy and he wanted someone to share his life with and it can't always be his mother. I figured going to Kauai in February would be our last vacation together. It was always our special time. His dad used to take him away weeks when he was competing in surf life saving, so we both had our special times with Max.
I don't think it's good for me to dwell on what was, or what I can't do, but to look at what I can do, and to look forward. Try and stay hopeful and only get anxious just before testing times. Easier said than done.
I still think finding something at home or outside that interests you and takes time is good. Barbe does sewing and needlework, I do gardening, stained glass and needlepoint. We need to involve our minds and bodies (as much as they will do). And if possible, get outside every day for a while, a short walk, some kind of exercise if the pain allows.
We have fought to live, so we should!
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Well said Debbie. I truly believe that arts and crafts heal the soul. We all have a craft inside us and it may take years to find it (the fun is in the hunting and trying!) but to make something from "nothing" is truly an art!! Even catching a photo that people go "wow" when they see is a skill. You didn't "make" the bird, but you captured it forever in a photo.
As to weight, mentioned earlier, I forgot to say yesterday that I know I look younger with a bit of weight on. I know you are struggling to hand onto some weight, Deb, so please forgive me to say this. The extra weight fills out my face, where I have a girlfriend who had a face lift 10 years ago!! (She looks very aged still. She is under 100 pounds and no muscle.) My sister-in-law is 60 and looks 40. I know I don't look 55 (or act it!) and I always can fool people with my age. I worked with someone who thought I was 35 or 36. I was 51 at the time!! I dress the way I like and with what flatters my fluffy figure. I don't follow rules for stretch purple pants after 50. My hair is usually un-styled and free and my make-up is minimal. I wear WAY less now than I did 30 years ago. And to all this, I look younger. (Not to mention attitude at all!)
I am sitting here trying to work up energy to "do" the bedroom. I've taken an extra morphine for a total of 70 mgs and now am waiting for it to kick in so I can dust and possibly, dare I wish, vacuum!! I NEVER vacuum, but we do have a smaller unit as I hate the central vac and dragging that hose around! What a nice surprise for my DH when he comes home from work. He is a Marshall on the golf course we live on, so he never feels like he's working. He has a blast socializing with everyone so that brings me to my next point.
If I never left my house I'd be happy. I have no "real" friends and don't go out at all except to shop if/when I have the energy. I love my home and we have made it beautiful in every room. We are working on the kitchen and when that's done I'll start on renovating the bathrooms instead of just decorating them (like we're doing with the kitchen now). It hurts me SO much to do physical work, but at least I have something to show for it. To lie in bed knowing I didn't do anything except go downstairs and that's why I'm now in bed just kills me. If I'm lying there thinking Yah!! I got more tiling done, then it's not as bad. You know what I mean?
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Debbie. You're right. Dwelling isn't good. That is part of the challenge for, staying in the moment. Right now things are OK. It's the future I'm afraid of.
Barb, everyone's soul is fed in a different way. I am very social. That's why the end of my chemo was so depressing for me. My world became my living room where I'd sleep through TV. The phone was part of my salvation, but then I lost my voice a few times. People were so helpful to me during chemo, that I miss the more constant company now that folks have gone about their regular lives. I've been working my way back to a social life slowly. Being around people feeds my soul. I've thought of a roommate, but I want people who will go away when I want them gone. :-)
The antidepressants are kicking in. I no longer feel hopeless. But the anxiety continues. I'll be going to an AA meeting tonight and hope that helps. I repeat phrases to myself like ""It is well", "Let go, let God", and the serenity prayer. Oy.0 -
gritgirl, your art IS people!! As an artist myself, I am not a people-person. I'd rather be alone with my colours. You have a skill I don't even come close to having! Have you considered being a sponsor for some else in your AA group? Can you lead a breast cancer group? Those are two things that I just don't have the people-patience for.
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Barbe. Now that I'm more able, I'm starting to volunteer. And I'm hoping to be a mentor for another woman with mets through imerman angels or after breast cancer diagnosis. My angel through imerman angels has been a godsend for me. She is 11 years out with mets.
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Hey everyone, I wore myself out over the weekend. My area had a Relay for Life event to raise money for the American Cancer Society. It was very hot and the pollen was thick, so I had some trouble walking the track. But it was fun. My breast cancer support group had a team. Now I have lots of pink crap, for some reason my car was where all the debris left over landed. lol Then since it is getting into our summer season, lots of family was visiting. I got to meet my grand nephew for the first time. He is a cutie at 5 months.
Of course I had spoken to an excavator to get my new septic system in before Memorial Day and people came to stay at the house. Well, he was finishing it up while they were moving in on June 1st. At least the water was working, but there is lots of dirt and no grass.
I finally spoke to my NP at my MO's office. The MO is at a confrence for a week. Jane (the NP) said for me not to worry about being off my AI, that they let patients be off the meds for up to 2 months. I am on my 6th week. I am feeling so much better. My mood is better, I feel engaged in life again. The MO said she had looked at the DEXA scan but had nothing to compare it to, I said oh, I gave you a copy of my 2009 scan. So the NP looked it up and said yes she could see that my bones were getting worse. So she mentioned Tamoxifen. But I get to wait until next Monday and the doc comes back to be told for sure.
anyway, welcome to the new ladies.
tomorrow is MH day for me! can't let go of that appt.
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Mac, you've done well!! At least they weren't just puttting IN the new septic and switching out the old one when people arrived!!!
Think seriously on your AI. I was never put on anything and I'm 5 years out. My tumour was 1 cm. There was no note of the grade. My ER/PR+, HER2- stats are the same as yours. They saw no reason to put me on meds. If they hurt you so much, isn't quality of life SO much better than pain??? I know as I am in so much pain from my back.
I've just been taken off Morphine and put on a Fentanyl patch. The first 3 days were great and then yesterday I started to get weepy and today I'm sore. I've taken break-through morphine just now as I realized I'm going through with-drawal. At night my legs won't stop moving. I don't mean a twitch here and there, I mean it's like I'm cycling. Finally figured it out as it has happened before when I was able to go off morphine. Lorazepam helped a lot but I couldn't fint it so I used a sleeping pill to calm my body and it worked. I am a bit weepy today and I hope it's going to settle down because the Fentanyl has been AMAZING!!! I don't feel the regular pain in my movement but think I might be hurting my knees. I saw how red they were in the full-length mirror in the middle of the night when I went pee (and HOT!!). Shockingly red!!!!! So they are suffering with my extra moving around lately but because I'm not feeling the pain I keep on going. What the heck am I supposed to do now????
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Mac, it does seem that anyone who is ER/PR+, regardless of being at the low end of the stages and not with an invasive and aggressive tumour or positive lymph nodes, they plop onto these drugs. And all drugs have sides effects. Some worse than others. You are the only one that can judge if you just don't want to take it any more or keep on going. The latest study I read, with your stage and grade, is that 2 1/2 years on the drug and they 'think' it's enough, but still are saying 5 years. Tamoxifen is not supposed to leach the calcium from our bones like the others. I was on Femara before the mets and in 1 1/2 years it reduced my bone density by 13%. Yikes. Now I'm on another drug with my calcium supplement that is supposed to attract the intake of calcium into my bones and make it stay there. We'll see. It's just so nice to hear you feeling better and happier!
gritgirl - are you still kicking around? like barbe said being a people person is an art in itself. Interesting, as I never thought of it.
barbe- I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much to adjust to Fentanyl patches. It is like 100 time stronger than morphine and the patches provide a more steady infusion. There is an adjustment period and I am surprised the dr didn't give you something like Valium or Ativan to cope with the withdrawal from morphine, as taking more morphine can be dangerous with the fentanyl on board. Sounds like now your legs have 'restless leg syndrome'. Key it up on the internet. Weird it would happen with the change of pain meds. Fentanyl, until your body adjusts to it, is known to very much make a person a bit on edge, emotional, weepy and even depressed, but usually doesn't last more than about 10 days.
And what you are supposed to do now is talk to your doctor! Tell him everything, including the red knees. Redness could indication irritation or increased blood flow or some kind of constriction.
And in conclusion, get thee to the Dr!
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Debbie. I'm still here. The antidepressants have definitely been helping, although I still have my down days. Seems like every parr has its adjustment phase. I had two very close friends move out of the area recently and I'm still sad about that. Trying to reach out more to get know some new folks. I still miss my friends though. I feel basically OK. Some pain still from reconstruction (still perturbed about that). Lately feel a little nausea here and there and that'll make me nervous since that was an early symptom of my liver mets. Still working on turning my head away from the cancer and worrying about it less.
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gritgirl: thanks for posting. Haven't you figured out yet that once you get BC, your life becomes one continuous lifetime of adjusting.
Of course you are sad to have two significant friends leave your area as you are a people person but it's so wonderful you are open to meeting new people. Yes, it's a bitch when I still have pain from the reconstruction, but I figure I can tolerate it.
I also get concerned at any new bumps, lumps or symptoms I show up with that stay for more than two weeks but I've worked it out. I just then tell my GP and she either orders a test or checks me and gives me her opinion. Just think every hour you don't think about C is an hour you have given yourself of freedom.
I will fight to not let me become Debbie with BC mets to her lungs but stay Debbie, Max's Mum and Jerry's wife and the nut who gardens all the time and talks to her dog like she is a human. (Jaki doesn't know she is a dog so it's ok)
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Deb, my doctor had already had me get x-rays for my knees. I'm waiting for the report back. I haven't cried for a couple of days, so I'm pretty relieved. Getting that desperate kind of feeling though so I asked for my Lorazepam to be re-filled, but my doctor is sick today!! I'm allowed to still take Staytex (break-through morphine meds) with the Fentanyl. I just worry about all of these drugs being respiratory inhibitors...I've had a couple of bad coughs lately that feel like I'm peeling phlegm off my lung walls! It feels like an open sore in there but I'm damned if I'm getting THAT checked out, too!!!
I just had an ultrasound yesterday to follow-up on a couple of lymph nodes that showed up in my axillae with the CT I had 3 months ago. The radiologist came in the room and my head said here we go with another biopsy. He checked the cortex measurements on them and said to come back in 6 months to see if they've grown. I had them send the report to my Onc who I see in August. It'll be interesting to see what she will want.
So, back to friggin' health issues!!!!! And I am NOT a people person so I am SO very, very lonely. I sit on the front porch when I can so I'm not alone in the house while DH is at work. I've stayed out for 6 hours at a stretch!!! I just don't want to nap all day out of boredom....
gritgirl you are very brave to reach out. Do you see now why I say it's an art?? I just can't do it!!
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barbe, i do it because if i didn't i would fall into even more of a depression, and that's just downright dangerous for me. if i were more of an introvert, i'd be happy to not reach out. i'm wired to like being around people, and that means if i'm alone too much, say a couple days in a row, i will become very, very depressed.
i'm sorry your doctor isn't around to perscribe the lorazepam. i know how i am if i don't at least have access to it. this stuff is too nerve wracking to not have a safety net.
debbie, i know what you mean about being just debbie. i was at a professional meeting last week and i was enjoying a day where i wasn't talking about or dealing with cancer. then this woman says to me, "oh, you're so and so. i need to talk to you." i thought she wanted to talk to me because i was so good at what i do. then she said, "my sister has breast cancer." i literally thought to myself, "oh, crap. here we go again." i get really sick of being cancer chick. and at the same time, i need to talk about it to certain people because otherwise, i get wound up in anxiety. quite a conundrum.
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to gritgirl, how DO you reach out to others? I am in a bookclub (once a month and off now for summer!) that the person who introduced me to it left after a couple of months. I stayed, so I'm very proud of myself for that. Otherwise, I have NO social intercourse and I desperately need it.
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barbe: one of the things i do is meetup.com. i did a quick search for your area and it's in Alliston as well. Her it is: Meetup.com in Alliston, ON
If you're interested in playing cards, there's likely a group on meetup.com for that. I recently joined a group that someone created for women over 40 and am going to a dinner for that this weekend. and i used to be in a walking group, before chemo, where i made some friends. the nice thing about meetup.com is that usually several folks are there who haven't met anyone in the group before, so it's less intimidating since then you're in the same boat.
but i'm also very social, so i tend to do gatherings. i have a book club that meets at my house once a month. it is a challenge to meet people, so i'm very grateful for things like meetup.com. before that, when i'd move to a new town, i'd find something like a recreational bicycle club and join that. i've been single all my life, so i didn't have the built in socializing of a husband. :-)
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Wow! Thanks for the link. I never knew! I live in a 'retirement community' with with a clubhouse of things to do, but I'm really shy....
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Okay, so now I'm FREAKING out!!!!!!! My disability insurance just phoned and they're cutting me off!!!! I've been off for two years so far with no improvement in my back so they say that I should be able to make $12 an hour doing SOMETHING that I'm done with them!!! It is scary and exciting and very, very, very frightening!!! My boredom levels have been pretty bad and yesterday I asked the universe for help and this morning I got the phone call so I have to believe that this is right for me. I will be using my cane, but at least I will be back into the social world in a safe way. I still have a job, but am not sure which location they will put me in. I sent two emails out to ask so I'll wait and see.
$12 an hour does NOT equal what they were paying me as their payment is non-taxable!! Also, I'll be using gas and clothes and stuff, but I'm trying for a location in my kids town which might really work out nice. Maybe I'll see the grands more or even be invited to dinner!
Wish me luck.......
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Barbe. Wow. If you're good with that, go for it. Were you on long term or short term disability
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gritgrl, if I only make $12 an hour I'd lose my house!!!! The long term disability was all tax free and I didn't need to drive all over the place. I'm scared, I'll admit it.
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Barbe, good luck! I hope things go well for you.
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