Great saying about depression
Comments
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Barbe. There are several threads about disability. Ask the gals over in stage iv. They know their stuff
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gritgirl: first, let me tell you, I have been married 30 years and with Jerry for 34 years. Yes, in the beginning we did things together as a couple when he started dating and wooing me, and as he was in business, there were those dinners and associated friends. Then at 44 he retired and we moved to Kauai, where is played golf, paddled outrigger canoe or trained for marathons while I worked in the ICU, paddled and trained too. But would you believe in all those years of running, biking and paddling we never once did it together! Now forward to our son graduating high school and not being involved with the youth group at the surf club, and we have two separate lives. Also my BC didn't help, as I withdrew to home and just didn't like to see people. When I had chemo with my bald head covered and eyebrows penciled on, I felt like an alien. People quickly stared then looked away. Also I was thin and pale. Got to dislike people and crowds. Also about 10 years ago I spontaneously lost the hearing in one ear, which never came back, nerve damage the specialist said (how???) so couldn't hear in crowds or even sitting with a couple in a restaurant I tried to position myself with hubby on the deaf side so I could hear the couple we were dining with - but in this new day and age of tiny table shoved together, it's quite stressful for me. Once I know people I tell them of my deafness and things get better. I don't need them to speak louder but to euniciate better. Heck, half the time at home I don't know what my husband is saying as he speak so low and mutters. Conclusion: having a husband isn't a magic in to society!
Barbe! Hey, I know you were looking for a change, but wow - they have really upped the game. How does your employer feel about having an employee on the job on drugs? And has your disability manager considered the danger of you driving any distance, especially if you are tired after work or the weather is bad? I do think your Dr need to talk to your disability manager and at least give you a month to adjust to the Fentanyl - it is powerful but good sh_t!
Gritgirl is right about disability and I am sure there is a thread for Canadian law. I know US law and they will do every and anything to keep you from getting benefits but you just need darn good documentation from your doctor and keep on them.
Wow Barbe - I'm still in shock. Glad I never filed for disability when I got BC. Probably now they would tell me to go back to work as my mets aren't bothering me! Oh wouldn't my former job love me on a day I'm down and crying! Or hurting and popping pills like lollies! But, if my son doesn't graduate from Uni within two years, either my husband or I might have to think about working and he is 79 now! The cost of education is atrocious. My son is not working as his study load is so heavy with a double major in commerce and finance. Living in the city is expensive and he is conservative but I think things are changing now he has a serious girlfriend. He bought her a $400 necklace for her 21st birthday with money he had saved from working during high school and if his father knew he would have a fit. I have told my son we are supporting him financially with taking care of his car and petrol and insurance, rent, food, basic clothes and books and a bit more, plus he moved in December so that was costly with requiring some new and used furniture and a new frig but I am not paying for gifts for his girlfriend or whatever he wants to do with or for her. Now if he came home on weekends, which he does, and did some work on this 8 acres of land I have, I would be willing to pay him as I would have to and need to do with anyone else, but, I admit, he is lazy. I know his personal savings is getting depleted, so it will be interesting if this summer he goes to work.
My husband does volunteer work and when I feel good I do about 20 hours a week on our property. Missed out the last two weeks with bad weather but that gave me a chance to start cleaning up as the house renovations are DONE! No more workmen at the ungodly hour of 6:30am and my peace and privacy back, plus a lot of sawdust and general dust, with pictures to hang and shelves to clean.
Barbe: sorry I got off track. Remember I asked you if there was a job you could do from home for your employer? These types of jobs are happening more and more rather than have the person come in and sit at a desk and answer a phone they can do it from home. I have an friend in Florida who is a RN with years of experience and she just got hired as a helper/consultant with a large health provider. People call her with medical questions and she helps them or directs them in the right direction, sets up appointments for them, and then does a follow-up to see how things went. It's called some fancy name, her title, but that is what she will be doing so she can lay by her pool in Florida and work or be in her pajamas. She has to do it between certain hours, but heck, sounds like a perfect job even for someone like me! So maybe check if something like that is a option for you. My concern is the driving time plus work time if it's full time and you mentioned the distance, well it would have you gone from home at least 10 hours a day. And what ever happened with retesting you properly? Could you even sit in the car and then at a desk for 8 hours? Keep us posted - I care!
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Ladies, there is NO WAY I can "do" my old job!!! A 45-60 minute drive to work, sit/stand for 8 hours and work with customers bending down and opening stoves and dishwashers, etc and then drive home!!!! I would be popping break-through meds like crazy!!!!! They got the results of the "testing" I had where I had to lift weights from floor to over my head, etc. We know I got the wrong test, but the result was I could do a "sedentary job". They don't care what or where but I HAVE to do it cause they area cutting me off on July 30th. This is the email I sent my rep:
Rhonda, I received a phone call from Darlene (?) this afternoon saying that you had the results of the CBI "testing". Did they happen to mention that I was sobbing in pain through most of the testing???
The Fentanyl has helped my pain level considerably and I feel hopeful that I can return to work and have already emailed my boss and two different store locations regarding joining their stores. I can NOT work for $12 an hour as Darlene suggested. With taxes taken off and gas for my car I would be working for nothing. If that's what I am expected to live on and commute to work I will lose my house. The area I live in has no public transportation (Nottawasaga Inn) - you can see it in their "Career" section when they describe a job and mention that there is no public transport. I have driven my car only SEVEN (7) times this YEAR due to the high level of narcotics I am on. I am now on an even stronger narcotic and am expected to drive to work. Please pray for me and others on the road that I am able to drive well on my 45 minute commute to work!!This email is to prove note of the fact that I have informed you that I am not comfortable driving on the high level of medication that I am on.*************************What I did this afternoon was tell the agent, Darlene, to tell Rhonda that I was going to kill myself. Darlene had said, "Oh, I see you suffer from depression, too, but a lot of people do so you're no different. I'd like to be a fly around her dinner table tonight when she tells her family she "killed" a client today!!!!0 -
Barbe. Can you call a lawyer? Is this disability through work?
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Barbe: you need your Dr who prescribed the Fentanyl to say you should NOT be driving and that even on the meds you were previously on you only drove short distances SEVEN times in the last SIX months. This woman you are dealing with is an idiot and call and demand to speak with her supervisor! Also tell them besides failing the wrong physical testing they gave you when you even too 100mg of Morphine before the testing, as you take it and have to every day or you would just be immobile was it noted that the pain was so terrific you were crying and they just kept making you do the testing. I agree with gritgirl. If a supervisor is not strong enough to put you on permanent disability or review you in another year, then say you are going to take them to court, and when you win, as it is against the law to make someone drive with that level of narcotics in their system (it's like telling someone who is drunk to come and drive in to work!), they - the disability insurance company will have to pay you for any payments withheld during this dispute, your attorney fees and with back-up from your psych Dr how this has affected you so you will also get compensation for emotional distress. Go get them Barb! People who work for an insurance company I always felt got a gold star every time that they got someone off their list that they had to pay disability to. This idiot woman is not considering what stress it would put on you physically to get to and from work, and you are unable to move closer due to your physical conditions. I would also call the President or CEO of the company you worked for and demand a face to face meeting. Get to meet with someone there. Do they want to be responsible if you kill others or yourself when they have demanded you come back to work? Do they want their customers to see you walking slowly with a cane and having sympathy for you rather than thinking of the products you are trying to sell them? Do they want an employee on Fentanyl? That's like saying it's ok to come into work intoxicated. Surely they would not put up with that. And in your situation you can do nothing to improve your health whereas an alcoholic could stop drinking. And, the clincher, say you would love to come back to work, as you enjoyed your job and the customers but it's physically unsafe right now! Go girl!
I know here in Australia you would be on a medical disability. It may be reviewed every year or two, but if you don't improve after a couple of reviews and your Dr writes that it will never get better but it can get worse, then you would be on permanent disability.
Don't give in Barb. Take your frustration and be angry/mad and go after them the way they have gone after you!
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gritgirl, this is spinal stenosis, where arhritis is growing bone around my spine and choking out the nerves that exit each side of my spine. The pain is excruiating!!!! I am listed as "mild" but as I said, define mild!! My Fibromyalgia exacerbates and exagerates the pain level so any pain is horrid. Also, it depends where the bone is growing and if it is digging into the nerves. So even a little bit of growth in the right spot is killer!!! Trust me, it's painful!!!
I have NO energy to fight. They did say if it "recurs" within 6 months I go back on payments. After 6 months I would have to do the months of doctor's paperwork to re-apply. The problem is, I'm in commission sales, so if they catch me at a low point my payments would be lower. I really should have been getting a couple hundred a month more than I am, but I was isolated at a dead location before I went off work.
My biggest angst is when someone doesn't validate my pain. It puts my anger through the ROOF!!! So the flippy, dippy girl from my insurance company just really set me off.
I asked the universe for help the other day, and got this phone call yesterday. Maybe they know something I don't? Maybe it IS time to go back to work? The timing with the Fentanyl is just strange as I did that "testing" they're talking about on April 10th and NOW they get the report????
Deb, I'm not on government disability here. I applied and appealed but to no good. They said I could do "something" to work. What that is, I have no idea???? The fact that I can even sit at a computer to write them meant I could make minimum wage somewhere far away I guess. See, no one considers how much I need to exist. I was/am getting $1,900 tax free a month. That covers the mortgage, car and all insurances. Paul's pay covers food and gas and drugs. We are just scraping by but we are making it. Now they want me to jump in a car, fill it with gas and go work for minimum wage somewhere!!!
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Barbe. I still wonder whether you can call a lawyer. There's also a site called patient advocate, I think where you might be able to find help.
I'm single, so really fear not being able to work myself. I would not have insurance. I am stable at the moment, and try not to think of it. My heart goes out to you.0 -
Barbe - right now I am speechless and crying as you have been put in this horrible position. It isn't humane. I still don't understand how they can want you to drive and that distance on such a powerful drug. We have a friend here who is on morphine patches, but chooses to stay at a low level that doesn't take away all the pain so he is aware enough to drive 5 minutes up to meet my husband and the guys at the pool centre a couple of days a week for coffee. That's his big outing.He has Parkinsons and was an electrician before, but had a smooth road to getting on government disability. Frankly, I do not understand disability qualifications, either through the government or private insurance. Barbe you are feisty and strong minded. Please try and contact the insurance company and fight this! I sure can see where this could end up in a financial diaster for you and hubby. I know, why not see if your Dr can write a letter to them and just say due to your pain level he has had to prescribe this strong medication and you are not to drive a vehicle or operate machinery while on it (all my pain meds say that)? If you can't drive, you can't go in to work. Then maybe they would at least give you a phone computer job at home? I'm thinking of you Barbe and trying to help - wish I just could fly up there and walk into that insurance office and wham! and I don't mean with a gun.....
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I know you guys think I'm strong, but I'm spent! I just don't have any fight left. I'm hoping that maybe they'll pay for a taxi to and fro from work. That'll show them!! I live in a townhouse that surrounds a golfcourse at a resort and there is NO public transportation. They can't make me move. The agent did say that they don't care how I have to get to work, but the email may make them pause. We'll have to see how it goes. I'm kind of excited to get back into the social circle as I've felt kind of useless lately. For the last two years I've had so many other health issues (thyroid out, 5 biopsies and my pacemaker) that I haven't felt bored. Now I'm bored. Maybe it's time to go back. I dropped into my first store I was at and got lots of hugs and positive feedback. I want to go there and have already emailed management to see if they can put me there. Wish me luck!
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barbe: i totally get being tired. no expectations from any of us. we're just concerned. let us know how it goes, and we'll be supporting you all along the way.
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oh Barbe - I hear a spark in you yet! I think they should have to pay for you to go to and from work in a taxi. Remember, it's against the law to drive while under heavy medication (or it is here, like drunk driving). You do sound positive and upbeat, and whatever you would be selling, I surely would buy from you! I just hope it isn't something like elephants or tractors..........hmmm, I could use a tractor!!! Both my neighbors have them and all I have is my husband's 4 wheel truck which I force into the paddocks......any one have an extra $30,000 so I can buy one?
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barbe: how are you doing?
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I have a job interview this afternoon for a totally new place/position. I could reinvent myself! And, it's base + commission, 1/2 hour drive away. Then next week I have an interview for a new location with my present job, 1 hour away. Either way, a new start. I'm also going for possible BRCA testing this morning!!
How are you doing, sweetie?
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better today. been having what i heard someone refer to as a "rage swing", meaning i'm pissed about having this. luckily see my counselor today. feeling nauseous lately so going to call onc about blood work. one of the worst parts about this is worrying that things mean the cancer is progressing. otherwise, trying to get out more. was not well this last weekend, so spent several days by myself, little human interaction. that always makes it worse.
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barbe - will be sending positve thoughts your way that you like the job you are interviewing for today. And how could they not want you as an employee? No way. A base salary and commision sounds good, and the drive half of what your old drive was and didn't you say your old job was all commision paid?
gritgirl: as your vocation is people, I can understand how being by yourself for a few days was not good. Don't have any suggestions as to the worry about the cancer progressing - we are rowing the same boat for that one. I do know when I worry about the mets that I have and wonder if new ones are sprouting up somewhere, I actually do get nauseous and get migraines. Too much tension and worry. My anti-anxiety pills help me a lot but there are times that my anxiety excels their effect. Think the pills get me out of bed in the morning instead of dreading what this day will bring - like more bad news, and am starting to be more positive and trying to put BC in the background of my life as any of us have today but for all of us, tomorrow can be totally different. I feel I just know the devil (BC) whereas others don't know the devil waiting for them. And I get pissed off too. Why me? I'm a good person. I ate well, exercised, didn't consume alcohol, rested, did have some stress but seemed to not let it over-ride my life and Bam, I'm one of the one in eight women getting BC! And I have no idea how many women who have had BC get mets percentage-wise. I do know you can have a grade 1 or 2 tumour, negative nodes, and still get mets. Do you know the odds? Just curious, guess I could google it.
My son treats the internet like a big encyclopedia. He gets a thought and looks it up and then if he is further interested, just keeps on reading. I think he knows more about the American Presidents than people living in America. And he researched the Nixon time and Thatcher's time as leaders. We also watched a couple of movies, which he down loaded. Just wish his would spend some of this time on his uni studies! Just hoping he passes all his courses this semester, as it is so expensive having him live away from home and not sharing a house with 5 others but in a nice apartment with only one room mate and they have their own bathrooms. His room mate is 25 and doing her medical residency, so when at the apartment she is either sleeping or studying. They seem to live well together but don't really socialize outside of the apartment, which is fine. Would hate to have to send my 79 year old hubby out to get a job! But am trying to encourage my son to get a summer job when he finishes the year in November. But, I have to say, he's lazy and we have spoiled him (money-wise). We haven't bought him everything he has wanted but we told him if he studied hard and passed his courses, we would financially cover him for uni. Problem is, about every semester, in 2 1/2 years, he has failed one out of 4 courses. Yes, I will say statistics is a bitch, but I told him to keep up, ask questions, and if needed, get a tutor - failed. Environmental studies - didn't find it interesting, didn't put much into it, got such a low mark on the mid-term, even getting 100% on the final wouldn't of helped him - fail. This semester was a maths class where all the work was done on a program and weeks ago he was struggling with a big assignment, taking time away from his other courses he was doing well in. I discussed it with him and he said he got the right answers but then he had to write 1,000 words on why it was the right answer. I just don't get it. Maths : 2 + 2 = 4. So I said is there any chance you will pass this. He said no. I said stop now - take the fail and get on with your other studies. This maths course is a requirement so he will take it next semester and says he will take my advise and get a tutor. Considering all his life he has scored 100% in maths, physics, that type of course, this one must be rough. Maybe Gritgirl you have some suggestions or Barbe?
When my son gets upset, so do I, and then I get depressed, wondering if I could of done something. My husband says he is an adult now, so leave him to figure it out but I'm glad he felt comfortable to call me weeks ago about this maths class, and with dropping it, even getting a F, yes it effects his GPA, but got him back positve and having time to devote to the courses he was doing well on. I also suggested maybe next semester take 3 courses instead of four, as he was having to read over 400 pages a week, as well as do assignments, study for exams, go to lectures and tutorials. So it takes him longer to graduate. So what? Every course he fails, it's another $1,200 added to his student loan. So we support him 6 months longer. I just can't take the stress! He is my son, yes an adult, as they are considered an adult at 18 here, but still young.
oh dear - sorry this is so long...I rambled, and this last part has nothing to do with BC so you can skip it if desired!
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Tired so going to sleep, but the stat is that 30 percent of those at lower stage will end up with mets. That's why we can't rest on our laurels about this
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thanks gritgirl for the stat - very interesting.... have a good rest.
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Okey donkey. Just saw that I didn't put the actual number in last time. Just added it in. It's 30 percent
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I've head the 30% stat for mets in low stages. That's a reason I'm pissed. I'm a low stage 1 so didn't get radiation or chemo (double mastectomy only). My surgeon said to "save the big guns until next time". Thought I was lucky! Didn't get put on Tamoxifen or an AI!!!! Feel like a sitting duck.
My interview went fabulously!!! Problem is that the office are kind of ugly and I'm a very, VERY visual person which is why I like selling pretty cars or gorgeous furniture!! Security of the base and the shorter drive would be great. Theoretically, as they want a July 3rd start if I get it, I could work there for two months before the new store I'm looking to go to would even be open!! That means I could test-drive the new job. Surely I'd know by then if I liked it. I wouldn't tell my present job I'm doing this of course..... I have to complete an on-line test today and the two more interviews. I'm fairly confident that I will be short-listed. I was VERY impressed with the scope of the company (Everest College) over North Amercia. I like a big company with benefits behind me. A concern is that I might not qualify for their benefts due to my history....but I'll deal with that when I get to it.
As for Max, good idea about reducing to 3 classes. YES!!! Get him a math tutor!!! I have a genius IQ and had trouble with a business course that had a math computer application (25 years ago!) that I couldn't come close to figuring out so just guessed. I got a B which depressed me as my other classes were A's. Found out only 20% of the class passed!!! Is there another math class Max could do? You'll have to tell him he'll have to do a gap-year to work for tuition if he keeps failing a class. That's what my sister did for her son of the same age, so he got a job as a janitor as his university so he didn't have to work full-time for a year. He worked in the breaks and a couple days a week. He grew up REALLY fast!!!!! It was humbling for him. Once the failure became HIS money, he turned it all around. Max should have to pay for the courses he fails. I worked for a company that did that. If I took university courses, they paid if I passed. I loved it!!!
Oh!! At Everest, I could get free tuition in their courses as well as free massages as I would be at the location that has that course!!! Now, could I work 5 days in a row? In a retail store you work every weekend so I used to stagger my days off to give my body a break. But maybe it wasn't enough of a break as I did chores on that day and I really needed to rest. So maybe two days in a row would be more effective??? But, can I do 5 days....??? My current job would "wean" me back to work. This new job I would have to start off with a bang. BUT, I could re-invent myself....I do love doing that!!
grtgrl, could you be nauseaus because of your anxiety meds? Do you need food when you take them? I still twitch when I get something new bothering my body and I'm almost 5 years out! Still waiting for that other shoe to drop.....
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Barbe. I thought your were stage iv too. The nausea might be due to the blood thinner xarelto that I'm on. I tend to get GI effects if a med will do that to you. Turns out that's common with xarelto. Need to talk to my doc about it
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gritgirl, not stage IV, just very knowledgeable about it!! I always study any health issue I have as if I have a final exam to write!! Which, theoretically, I do!!! hehehehehhehe
Over the years on bco I've also had many, many stage IV friends, some I've met in person and some that I only virtually know....or know virtually, that sounds better. Those of us who aren't stage IV yet get depressed, too! I have a 30% chance of mets. Those are pretty high odds in my books and as I have so much wrong with my back already, you can see why I expect bone mets. I light a bone scan up like a Christmas tree!! I think because my stage was low, they assumed they were looking at just arthritis, though I was only 50 at the time. I've always been nervous about whoever is reading and then comparing my previous scans....sigh.
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barbe - I sure get you about always being wary that around the corner is mets! That was my mental fight from the time I had the lumpectomy and saw the pathology. Now I know the Devil (it's what I call my lung mets) is in my life - I know I'm being challenged and like you with your high IQ, it's my body I am asking to kick up and go! I actually would like to train for another triathlon, like I was doing when diagnosed in 2010, but it takes so much time, and I need that time around here to keep the house and gardens up (which I am behind on)....and don't know how my herniated discs in my lower back would like bike riding even on a more sit-up mountain bike. What I need is a challenge, like you.
Wow Barbe, I know you can do the job and if the environment is a little dull, you would add sparkle and life to it.
Yes, Max is accruing a government student loan for his uni courses. He knows he will have to pay it off after he graduates. Our accountant said it served no purpose for us to take principal earning us interest which we live off to pay his tuition. He will pay. As to this maths course he failed, it is a requirement, so he said he will take it next semester and I think he is learning to be lazy at the beginning bites you in the ass in the end. Seems this university doesn't have too many assignments or tests,so you have to do well and can't plan on bringing your point level up on the next one. And often one assignment is not even graded when another is due so you don't know if you are on the right track or not. Oh he will pay - one way or another. If he doesn't pass all three courses this next semester we will suggest the year off from studies and work! I'm just happy he is happy and feeling better - I don't even know if he is still taking his anti-depressants or it's his girlfriend that has done it.
I moved out the day I graduated high school and never crossed their threshold again. I supported myself. Jerry worked to put himself through college and would come home and work in his parents shop for free to give them a break and help financially as they didn't ever have much. Jerry retired at 44, and since we have been together I've really never had to work, but did until I was 40 and doing IVF in Hawaii while living in New Zealand. Then worked here for 3 years in a medical clinic, but the job was interfering with my time with Max and home life. So no one has given Jerry or I anything. We saved our money, invested, and when doing ICU nursing I often would work 24 hour shifts, and thanks to the union, after 12 hours it was double pay. We don't go out for expensive dinners - Jerry like never buys any clothes but 3 or 4 pair of new shorts every year and I buy at the warehouse places or Target usually. There is one boutique like store I like their clothes but never go full price. They change their stock often so I say if it ends up on the sale rack (1/2 off) it's meant to be...and it often is as I'm a size S. We both follow the market, Jerry does the stock investments and I do the mortgages through a company that manages the paperwork, so we are a good team.
I do think we haven't set a good work example for Max as he has never seen his Dad come home from work, and me for only 3 years when he was about 7 - 10. But he used to do special chores around the house for money like washing and waxing my car and he had to clean his bathroom every two weeks and vacuum the whole upstairs (3 bedrooms, my office and 2 bathrooms) also. I don't know. Raising kids? More challenging than anything I have ever done yet I didn't train for it or get a degree!
grit girl: hope you are feeling better. Having an unsettled stomach is no fun.
and Mac and everyone else: hope you are doing well..........
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Deb, EVERY parent wonders if what they did was good enough!! Don't even go there.... I truly believe that is where we learn every day. I find that right now my son (32) is being TOO parsimonious!!!! His son, my grandson is sleeping on his crib mattress on the FLOOR!!!!! They don't want to buy a new mattress for him as this is good enough! I am sick about it, but they don't know, and I really can't interfere!!! My son makes 6 figures, which in Canada is pretty good at 32. He is just so CHEAP it kind of sickens me. He won't pay for cable, so bums off going to other people's houses to watch special events. I don't mind him coming to me, but my daughter got tired of him dropping in just to watch TV. If we go over for hamburgers on the BBQ, we're expected to bring the buns!! So you see, going the other way, too cheap isn't healthy either. When my kids were younger and working part-time in school, I told them to enjoy their money, it's for fun now. Have a good time before mortgages and wives and kids!!
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Wow Barbe - your son sure have taken it the other way to not spending in the far extreme. Everyone I know (but my son as he is a uni student) but adults who work, have cable, and when you invite people over for burgers, especially your parents, they should not have to bring food unless it's something the son didn't ask for! As to your gradnson, sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor, he's lucky the kid isn't sick with colds, etc. If he wants to save money, don't buy the kid a single bed, buy him a queen size bed and that will take him through his teen years and to uni!
You are right - I want him to have and enjoy. I just worry sometimes that he thinks I'm just a cash point machine.....but I do know he loves me, as every time we talk or email, his always end with 'I love you Mum' and I truly believe he means it. And I get the best hugs when he comes home. With him being over a foot taller than me, I always feel like curling up against him when I get one of his hugs - safe. I hope his girlfriend adores him - we might meet her soon! They made it public on FB in March.......but as we live 1 1/2 hours away, and she goes to uni with Max and works too, it's not easy to plan. I am just hoping he gets the idea ?hmmm, girlfriend working, maybe I should get a job? I don't mean a lot of hours, even 8 or 10 a week would give him more spending money. I know he cooks dinners for her and they go to $5 movies, but I sure don't provide him with enough money for dining out or presents....... ok Barbe - I won't even go there!
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Deb, your son is in uni. It's like a mortgage. He cannot "party" or overindulge now. He's committed. Uni is like a pretend job or relationship. I think the way people treat their intectual intelligence is the way they treat life. Your son does NOT need more money from you. If he really did, he'd get a job!!
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Barbe - don't worry - I'm not providing my son more money! I promise! I totally agree with you. Him going to uni is his 'job ' now. My husband and I know many uni students doing 3 or 4 courses and working 20 or 30 hours a week. Mine chose a double major to complete in 4 years, which means all of his subjects are requirements - no electives. No easies. I do love my son with all my heart, but he gets plenty of love and financial support from us already. He lives in a brand new two bedroom - 2 bath apartment in a nice area with security instead of a old house with 4 or 5 flatemates and no privacy and one bathroom. He has nice furniture and linens and we bought all new stuff for his kitchen - I admit we got it at a store like K-Mart or Target, but that's how I shop! Why pay more when I can get the same thing for less. What we have bought for his apartment should carry him well into the time he starts his career.
I guess why I bring all of this up, is when I was first diagnosed, and spent many a night in my walk-in closet, with my pillow and quilt and dog, Jaki, crying about this BC stuff, Max would find me and stay with me and the three of us would then go back to his room which luckily has a queen size bed. The three of us would fall asleep exhausted, I think even Jaki was crying! To think that a 16 year old boy would not have hang ups about comforting his Mum this way will always warm my heart. Sadly his father never did it - all I would get is a 2 second hug and a pat on the back and he was always saying 'everything is ok - stop crying' Sure. And then he almost failed his last year of high school and had to see a therapist and finally they agreed to put him on antidepressants, which has turned him into my happy son again. I put him through a lot - mroe than any 16 year old should have to deal with. I leaned on him for comfort and support. I had no one else.
So I have a soft spot for my son.
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Deb, I remember when your son was very scarily depressed. You did NOT overload him. Some kids get beaten (me!!), son kids are in violent homes (me!!), some kids don't get enough food or see their parents drugged or drunk (mine drank a LOT), so what your son went through with you, though VERY scary for you all, is not unusual. He will see that as he talks to his new contacts and sees that everyone has a story. His story is sad but not drastic. He hasn't gone through a crisis, yet. When he does, you have given him a good base to see how to grieve and cope. You did what you needed to do, got the grief out with a private display and kept going. That is what I want my kids to see in me, and I think that is what Max will see in you. My DH was VERY similar to yours!! I didn't think he even realized it was cancer!! He seemed so cool and casual about the whole thing, but maybe he grieved privately, I'll never know.
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thank you Barbe........................... Someone recently told me my husband was probably scared shitless but didn't want me to know he was upset.......don't know.....I really think when I was dx with the BC he thought it would all be 'fine'.....guess with the mets he got scared, because for the first time ever he went with me to the oncologist......but now he says there is 'nothing' wrong with me. Hmmm, men - husbands, a different discussion!
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My DH only went with me to the Onc twice!! The first time only because I was already IN the hospital and he was visiting me!! hehehehehe
Gritgirl and Mac and everyone else, wanna hear from you!!! Deb and I can't carry this WHOLE conversation....!!!!
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Ain't got no man, so got no stories. Damn grateful for the friends who went with me to various appointments. My uncle and aunt were especially helpful.
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