Great saying about depression
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Wow, Kate! See, you do have other talents!!! No boss is cworth working for if they are a boss from hell! I just wanted to add--I have been through many a recession and have had many life/job changes. The beauty of starting over is you can kind of do anything you want and then grow into a better job or get promoted where you are. I know that Arizona isn't like Los Angeles but I would just follow your heart and really think, what do I want to do that would be kind of fun? You know, there was a time in my life when that was waitressing-it gave me the cash and the freedom to pursue other dreams. Now, I would never wait tables again, but at the time it was a dream job. My idea of a dream job today is never having to work for someone again. However, I always am open to opportunities and one day I may go in a completely different direction.
BTW: It's really great to see you back to your upbeat, cheerful self! I am betting that not being in so much pain all of the time has really helped!!!
Stanzie: go get a second or third opinion-you so do not have to settle!!!
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Barb I agree...You are amazing! I would never say you are sad...stressed yes sad no. I'm constantly impressed with your sense of humor even in difficult times. And yes it is apauling that your therapist was so odd in discussing recon so bluntly. I remember when I found out my BC was multifocal and I needed an mx...I was so worried that I would be sooooooooo completely buried in depression over the loss. I have been depressed and overwhelmed but not really at that..more from the effects of chemo (losing my hair was worse and more dramatic to me) and how I feel and the nervousness of will it come back. IMO reconstruction is a personal choice. Whether you do it or not, you just have to be happy and at peace for YOURSELF in your choice. to that I say Stanzie...if you are not happy have the revision, I truly believe once you're happy with that part of your recovery the rest will fall in place.
Kate I did think of you today when I saw the news of the fires...I can't imagine having to deal with anything like that or tornado...you are so helpless if you're in the path of destruction. I feel for those affected.
Good night from the East Coast...where it has been 100 degrees all week.
Diane
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Stanzie- Your PM's are always riveting!!! LOL! Hope you write back soon! I agree with DiDel that if your recon is a constant source of unhappiness you deserve to do something about it. I know it's hard as moms to take time and resources away from our kids but I am so much happier now and I know my DS can see that. At first I felt guilty as I had already felt like I had missed out on so much of my DS life in the past 1 1/2 years because of BC. But now I feel like I can focus better on him and my DH now that I'm feeling better about myself. You deserve it, girlie!!!! I say do whatever it takes to be as whole as possible but only you can decide what "whole" looks like.
DiDel- Thanks. We are the state of no natural disasters- except wild fires. And it's so devastating in the desert. It takes so long for everything to recover. There's an area near us that had a fire over 15 years ago and you can still tell when you drive through there. I don't know what would be worse- having your home destroyed or having it saved and looking out your window for 20 years seeing charred land. (Though I guess you'd still have all your possessions!)
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Hi everybody,
Glad I found this site. I'm usually on the Exchange City thread. I know I am flirting with depression right now and am planning on going to a group support meeting Wednesday. I have been on anti depressants before but don't want to go back on them again. I know right now I have a darn good reason to be depressed and it comes and goes. But I am struggling a bit. Just wanted to share because I know you understand.
I also like the original quote at the beginning of this thread. I have been the "strong one" for a long time and I think it really finally caught up with me at this point in my life.
On the bright side, I took a very lovely walk this morning with my husband this morning. My daughter is visiting from out of state for a couple of weeks and our youngest son is home from college and on his way to med school in the fall. Our older son and his wife were home last weekend for a very fun weekend.
It's funny how pulling weeds makes me feel better--but I am not supposed to be doing that--so frustrating. But I sneak pull a few every day!
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Hi Rowan! It's nice to have a safe place to vent and share and I have found that I have huge ups and downs and maybe this is just part of processing all of this BC stuff. I know that the Exchange thread is more about keeping the topic on upcoming exchanges and cheering each other on but sometimes this isn't enough. I will be 2 years out come September and it's been a hell of a roller coaster ride-everything I had before was taken away from me, yet I still have my husband, I still have my home (well, it's an apartment but still), I still have my animals, I am almost done with reconstruction (just tats left) but life is not back to "normal" yet for me. I can no longer work full time doing anything as I just don't have the energy. Luckily, me only working part time hasn't been an issue yet. I also don't have children and I don't know how I would be able to give so much of myself while dealing with BC. I find that I say no more often, I am now very selfish with my time when I can be, and I am lucky my husband, forthe most part, is tolerant. It hasn't been easy though.
I enjoy gardening, too, though I only have one on my balcony so the weeds are few.
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rowan- I think I read on another thread that you are going through the whole recon/TE/fills stage right now, right? I did that, too, and it can be hard. Nothing looks or feels normal and it's really hard to do normal activities. Even trying to find something to wear was a stresser! In some ways it will get better after your exchange. Do you have a date yet? In other ways once you're done it's easy to get depressed again. For me that was when things really hit because I was no longer busy with doctor appointments, surgeries, etc. My brain finally had time to process everything and I was trying to accept this new normal. I think we'll all continue to have days like that but they'll come farther and fewer between. I'm now in a place in my life I never thought I'd be. It's not bad, it's just different. We all understand, though, and I found this was a great site (and thread) to express that. I think for a lot of us our friends and family think we should be "moving on" long before we're ready. You're just in the beginning of all this and all those emotions are totally normal and expected. I'm glad you have some visitors to look forward to. I found the more I interacted with others the better I felt. Glad you posted! (((hugs)))
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MBJ and Kate33--thanks so much for your thoughts. I just got back on--hoping somebody answered me. Feels silly to say that but it's true. It really helps.
You're right Kate33 I am doing the whole shebang all at once. I just thought I had to push through it fast as I could. Was that how you felt? Maybe it's the fight/flight mechanism in operation. My exchange date is 7/7. Funny you said that about how you hit another bottom after that. I'm imagining it will be another start-over--fear, pain, healing, questions, blah, blah, blah,,,did you also do the tattoos and nipples? The whole thing is just so surreal.
I find myself repulsed almost by the tissue expanders, that thought keeps wanting to push itself in and I push it out. That recurrent thinking worries me but I think a good support group will help or I will go back to my therapist if I need to.
As far as working--I was employed until two years ago when I left full time teaching after 16 years--new principal issues and I was pretty burned out. But the BC has kept me from getting another job and I know I miss the camraderie of working. I am in a fiction writing group, though, and that allows me to escape.
But, overall, I think we all know, we've been through tough times before and we'll get through this one. You guys are right, we are a good source of hope and understanding for each other.
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rowan- I tried to get through quick, too. I couldn't stand those d*** TE's either. (Repulsed is a good word!) My BS/PS had never warned me about any of the realities of what they would feel like so I was totally unprepared for that. I don't know why but I thought the TE's would be like implants just temporary. Boy, was that a rude awakening after surgery! Exchange surgery can be challenging, too. It's the surgery that is supposed to make everything better again and there's a lot of pressure riding on it. Plus everyone stresses about what size to go with (it's not like you can test drive implants!) and it's hard to go through another surgery just when you're starting to feel pretty good. The exchange surgery is a lot easier than the MX, though. You'll start feeling pretty good within a few weeks.
I was in a the middle of job hunting when I got my DX too and BC became my full time job for awhile so I can relate to that. Luckily the camaraderie on here kept me going. Now that my revision is done it's back to the search! The fiction writing sounds interesting! What are you working on? I love to write, too, but have never gotten serious about it. Only thing I've ever had published are letters to the editor in our paper and a story in "All in a Day's Work" in Reader's Digest. LOL! Oh well, it's still fun.
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Writing fiction is my first love, but that takes years. I really should start up again....
Kate, I know you feel better because you have your old avatar up!! GORGEOUS!! Never realized it was the same Kate I've been talking to all this time.
Strangely, I've been considering getting SMALL implants put in. No-bra implants. Maybe I'll wait until they can just use fat. That would be nice!
Pharmacy assistant....funeral home director....bank teller.....?
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Oh Barb- I think no matter what you do, you have to write! I love all your posts and you are so cleaver and witty so yes write in all that "spare time" we all have!!! I vote that for you as when you do finish it and it becomes a number 1 best seller then you can really relax and just keep writing.
Kate will try and go back today and remember what all I wrote to you about... getting son ready for camp is a full time job at present....
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Hi Rowan! Glad you found us...come vent anytime. That's what this site is for...venting...asking those questions you can't ask anyone else and finding women who can help you through this journey.
I am about 2 months behind MBJ. I just had my nip recon. I did chemo which prolongs the reconstruction but I do wish docs would be more upfront about how long the healing process (inside as well as outside) can take. I feel pretty good once I had surgeries behind me. I definitely have my down days but it does help to come here and talk to everyone. It helps to not feel alone in the process and I think that's why most of us stick around. When you find your friends or family don't understand you ..just login. Day or night...you'll find someone to chat with.
I say if you can afford to take time off and relax and recover...do it!! You will feel soooooooo much better once the expander is OUT! Its so much softer and such a relief.
Kate - I never thought of how long it would take the environment to recover from a wildfire. We worry about wind and water on the east coast which I guess is not always as damaging to the environment.
Hope everyone is having a good Sunday...blaaaah Monday soon to follow.
Diane
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The enviroment NEEDS fires to be able to grow in some areas. Fire kicks off a lot of seeds and other things that are cyclical. Damned if I can remember any specifics right now!
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Kate: Getting published ANYWHERE is a big deal! You really should pursue writing--I hear Grant writing is profitable but wouldn't know how to start, just had a friend I used to wait tables with go into it and he made money right away.
Rowan: Ugh, I had only one TE and I was soooo creeped out by the alien thing from Mars, lol. It felt and looked weird and it was such a relieg to exchange to implants. Even then, though, I had a period of depression which is when I found this thread. This is the place to come when everyone one else has gotton back to their lives and wonder why you haven't. It does get better but things will never be the same. Hugs!!!
Barbe: Another writer! It's all I can do to write a coherent sentence since chemo so if sometimes my posts are short or cryptic, it's cause my brain cells have all been burnt to smithereens. I used to love to journal and in my rock and roll days, I was a pretty good songwriter. Now I can harldly sting a sentence together.
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Stanzie- I've got to start working on the camp thing, too. My DS leaves in about 2 weeks.
barbe- I think the fires environments need are the small ones that start from lightening. Not the ones morons start because they're not smart enough to monitor a flippin' campfire. This one has burned a half million acres so far and destroyed over 50 homes and they still only have it about 10% contained. In the past 9 years fires have destroyed 1.3 million acres of our wilderness due to human stupidity. Our part of the country doesn't recover as rapidly as the more lush areas of US/Canada. They just arrested a guy up in northern AZ who deliberately set 4 fires because "he was upset about the break up with his girlfriend". WTF?
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Hi Everybody--yeah, the camraderie on these pages is helping me, too.
Kate--Did you try to be really precise about what size you wanted before you went in for exchange?
My PS says she usually takes in about six different ones--I don't even want to go there in my head about what that might look like in the OR..how's this one look? No, well, how 'bout that one?
Barb and Kate--about the fiction writing--I say if you love it, you should do it. And if you already have somethings published, no matter where, it shows you have a "way with words." I am writing a historical fiction novel--it allows me to access my own history but not get bogged down in it. The history part makes my analytical side work. People in my group write all kinds--romance, mystery, mainstream. Just listen to yourself.
thanks Diane for the welcome. I'm sure I'll be back to talk more.
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rowan- I was a psycho woman before exchange. Was I going too small? Was I going too big? Don't know why they can't do some kind of computer imaging where they show what you would look like with different sizes. (They used to do it on "Nip Tuck"! LOL!) It is a strange visual thinking about the OR. Trying on implants like they're trying shoes on you- only you're stone cold unconscious! Kind of have to trust your PS at that point. I always thought I wanted to go bigger than my originals but found I didn't like it at all. Just didn't feel like me. So when I had my revision I had my new PS make me closer to how God made me. My DH was happier, too. He's so not a boob man!
The book sounds interesting! I love reading historical fiction because I feel like I'm learning something while I'm reading. I'm really impressed by all the research that goes into some of those. What part of history are you focusing on? I've been working on a novel and a kid's (tween) book off and on for years. Just aren't self disciplined enough, though, to finish. Kind of feel like I've had chemo brain for the past year and a half even though I didn't have chemo. Can I blame it on all the anesthesia?
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Hi Kate--my daughter is in town so I have been off the boards for awhile--as far as the fiction goes, I am in the late 18th century in a locale near where I live. My heroine is an Irish rebel who smuggled herself to the US after her lover was killed in the Irish Rebellion of 1798. I am trying to tie it in also with the birth (and death) of the wine industry in this part of the country during that time period.
So you can tell I'm part Irish and like to drink wine
. I also have some serious loss issues from my adolescent years so it's a vehicle for me to be creative and also bring in some of those issues. I tried for years to write a memoir and it is now in a bottom drawer. All my fiction attempts prior to this seemed to devolve into autobio. It sounds like you already have the writing bug and some works in progress--I try to schedule two hours for writing a day. It keeps me moving along plus the class forces me to produce. Maybe you can hook up with a group in your area?
Barb--All I can say is ((((((HUGS))))))).
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Well today was just totally dreadful! I went in today to talk to my PS and schedule the revisions I wanted to have. I talked to him last March and thought I understood everything. Well went in and we talked about what I wanted and he agreed and thought everything I wanted made sense. Originally he said it was covered by insurance but apparently that is the part I misunderstood. It would not be covered because it involved liposuction. I had the lat dorsi surgery and has left me with breasts that continue under my arms- he said when he tunnelled the muscle around a bunch of fat got stuck and came around with it and it is stuck under my arms. He said if it had been an ugly scar, a mishapen breast (in front), different size breasts then all would be covered but cause it is lipo then for insurance it is pure cosmetic. I just lost it and burst into tears. I had so hoped to finally get breasts that looked like the correct anatomical shape of breasts but apparently insurance says you didn't have breasts now you do so that is it! The other thing I so hate is that if I wear a bathing suit where with real breasts you might see nipples. What do you see with mine? It is a large weird circle where they removed the nipples and it makes me look and feel like a totaly freak. So he was very nice he said he could do it cosmetically and he cut his salary in half which was very nice and I know it isn't his fault but doesn't help me! Cosmetically means I would just pay out of pocket no insurance involved.
Next I had hoped since I hadn't met my deductible that doing this surgery and meeting my deductible then I could finally have my nose fixed so I can breathe now I don't know what to do....
As the surgeon for my nose said I'd have to pay upfront and then hope insurance would reemburse! I just lost it. Why can't I have breasts that look at least normal and look normal in a bathing suit. I feel like why is that too much to ask.... sorry for the rant. It just totally took me by total surprise.... very depressed and to top it off getting ripped off right and left with home repairs! Not a good day!
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Stanzie: I would get a couple more opinions! Lipo alone isn't covered by my insurance but because it makes the surgery results so much better, my dr. does it anyway. He works at a research/training facility so maybe if you go that route? Don't give up--there has to be a way for insurance to cover it!!! Same with your nose. Big hugs!!!
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Stanzie- This just seems totally wrong!!! My fat grafting was covered so I'm wondering if you could find a doctor that would remove the fat from under your arms and place it in the breast would that be covered? I know it's not exactly what you want- you don't want to go bigger but I'm thinking it wouldn't make you that much bigger. If it's done with traditional fat grafting a lot of the fat would just get reabsorbed. It sounds like your PS may have screwed up in the first place. He should be making it right and covering the whole thing! I wish you could go to my PS in Miami. I know he would know what to do. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know how frustrating it is. Insurance will pay for viagra but won't pay to make us whole. It's just not right!!! LIke MBJ said, I would seek out a second opinion and talk to your insurance company. You could always submit it for review, too. I'm wondering if your PS is using the right billing codes, too? If it's billed as lipo it won't get covered. But if it's billed as "breast reconstruction with other technique" (billing code 19366) I bet it would be. Don't give up!!! (((hugs))))
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Awwww, that's the problem I have! I need lipo to flatten the bit of fat on my ribcage to make me smooth, but that's cosmetic. Insurance would pay for a full reconstruction if I wanted though!!
As for writing, I have written almost a whole novel, Stephen King-like. My BFF read it and had to sleep with the lights on! We were 40 at the time. It wasn't 'me' that wrote it, but something channeled through me, I know that sounds dumb, but Paul would come home from work and I'd say 'you'll never believe what Cody did today!' My characters continued to surprise me. I just loved it!!
Now, I'd write something more contemporary, maybe the 'new' Rosemary's Baby or something....hhhmmmmm.
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barbe- Is your DH's name Paul? So's mine! BTW, I want to read that book! I love Stephen King!
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Stanzie: Kate is right--Your PS screwed up and he should be paying to correct this. Sounds to me like he knows this so he just wants to charge you. PM Whippetmom for soem references in your area. This is just wrong-it should be covered under recon not lipo!!! Don't you give up because of this PS!!!
Barbe, Rown & Kate: My DH is a writer--He writes thrillers! His first 3 books are published in the UK but his first book was just released here and I sure wouldn't recommend reading it alone at night!
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MBJ- What's the title? I wonder if I can get it on my Kindle?
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Kate: On Amazon.co.uk his first book is called Acts of Violence but here they released it as Good Neighbors and yes, it's available on Kindle. It won the New Dagger award!!!
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MBJ--that's great he won an award. the book sounds like something my husband would like, I have to give it a look.
Stanzi--I agree with Kate, sounds suspicious to me, too. Please don't settle.
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Rowan: It was pretty exciting and so unexpected. They put us up at a fancy hotel in London and this was shortly after my exchange and I still barely had hair and we had to go to this award show that was being televised. My DH was a nervous wreck and someone said I said "oh f**k" on live television when they called his name, but it got cut out later, lol! He's the reason I encourage all of you to write--getting published is the hardest part but if you ever get to do it for a living, I know how rewarding it is for my DH. He writes every day!
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MBJ that's exciting!! Congrats to your hubby. I love thrillers..I will have to check it out.
Barb -- I can't believe you just said Rosemary's Baby...I m never gonna sleep tonight
Stanzie I had a similar problem...my implant was so wide it pushed on some FAT and created a bulge under my arm that drove me NUTS and I thought looked terrible. It wasn't covered and I didn't push it...but tears helped as I too melted down in my PS office and he cut his fee from $2900 to $1000 which was much more doable Seriously someone has to cut you a break! Get another opinion..cry if you must!! Someone help a sista out! I really don't understand why lipo is so expensive it doesn't take that long..I ended up paying more for the anethsia then the surgery.
Diane
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I know for a FACT that many women get lipo at Stage 2 of their revision!!! He screwed up and is too embarrassed to admit it!!!
With all the crap we go through, you'd think something could go smoothly.... 0 -
MBJ--that really sounds fun. And you did it while going through this--arduous, but probably a "good" distraction at the same time.
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