Great saying about depression
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MBJ, your husband is doing what my passion is, that's for sure! How many rejection letters did he get first? I've always thought about writing for a magazine, but now there are so many moves about it that it seems corny. Does he used his real name? I have always wondered. I'd rather be 'sexless' with initials only, but men use their middle initials and women don't. My last name starts with a D and my middle name is Elizabeth, so my initials spell bed. I've often played with the alphabet to see what would be a good initial...bad, bbd, bc, be, bf, bg, bh, bi, bj, bk, bl, bm, bn, bo...as you can see, most of them mean something else already!!! heehhehehehehe
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Didel: I can't believe you were charged for this either! It seems to me if you end up with something extra besides breasts where you had nothing before they would be obligated to fix it!
Rowan: My husband got his book deal 3 months after my diagnosis. It has been a crazy ride--the worse and the best all rolled into one.
Barbe: My husband writes under his own name. Sometimes the publisher will suggest using only initials. For instance, there is a famous UK writer who used his full name but his books weren't selling so they repackaged him, used just his first initials and last name and he started selling. Now he is one of the top thriller writers over there. It sounds like you would write in the thriller/mystery genre and it's a really popular catagory. In the UK there is an off shoot of Macmillan that accepts unsolicited works for consideration. My husband sent out his first book to several publishers and Macmillan UK made an offer-all of the US publishers turned him down. He had been published when he was in his teens but the company went under so this is technically his first published book. He had written at least 20 books before this one so in a way it was just a matter of time. By the time he finally went back to writing books he had really honed his craft. Not to say you need to have written this many as he's very prolific but if you want to make a living at it you almost need to write a book every 12-18 months so that you can accumilate money. They usually need to be at least 50,000 words long to get published. I hope this helps! I would also join a writing group like Rowan if you are serious-it puts a fire under you to complete things.
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Okay, I did it.
I have put myself onto a medical leave at work. I have registered at Services Canada for unemployment. I will receive 55% of what I was making on average. I had to stop now, because they post our pays-to-date and my next pay is only $59!!! They would top that up to minimum wage, but still $300-400 a week? Really, I can stay here in town and make that! I will save gas by being off, and now my DH is working so that will help pay the mortgage. Even with him working we weren't able to pay off the gas bill so what the hell. I'm going to try to take this time to let my heart and soul heal.
I never took time off at my initial cancer diagnosis, which I should have. I'm taking that time now. Elizabeth's (Konakat's) death has brought me to my knees and I can't stop crying. I went in to work today and then started crying and was unable to stop. I need a break.
Wish me well, my friends.....please.
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((((Barbe))))): I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain, for your tears but I am also glad you are now finaly taking some time for yourself! I did not know Konakat but every loss feels so personal. Big hugs to you and you just let yourself cry--it's been a long time waiting and you deserve to grieve your losses. Best thing I ever did was leave my job and I hope you also benefit from this. Hang in there, okay? We are all here for you!
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Saw this thread on the active list, got to lurking, then saw Barbe's post about Konakat. That makes me sad. I was following her journey when I first joined here, and I am so sorry to hear she has lost her battle.
Going out on medical leave is a great idea. It takes time to process all that we've been through on this %$#^ journey, and down time is necessary for that to happen. So congrats Barbe! And I agree with MBJ... the best thing I ever did for myself was quit my job.
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Barbe, it took my breath away when I read the topic title about konakat, I am so sorry for your loss, for the Stage IV women who must be in such pain now and for her family and friends. Although I never posted to her directly, I always read her posts, she was a beautiful, lyrical woman. I am glad you took time from work, now you can process, finally, all the issues that have been swirling around you. Best thing I ever did was to quote others was :quit my job". It is amazing how little you can get by with when your income is fixed. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Karen
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OMG I this post is taking me forever to type as my extremely drunk friend is slurring in my ear...I have her on speaker and have repeatedly said I have to go...UGH!
I am super sad and called her for comfort and she is NOT helping! First I was sad cause yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the death of my former roommate. She was 22 and battled ewings sarcoma for 5 years before losing her battle. I will always remember her and I will never forget her laugh. It was the first big loss I ever had in my life. Since then I have had too many for someone in my ear;y 40's. I also just read that Konakat passed and that has also brought tears to my eyes. I loved reading her posts and drew from her strength and grace in difficult times. I chatted with her only briefly but found myself looking for her posts to see what she was up to. I knew she hadn't been on in a while and that things had taken a turn for the worse but like many really thought she'd rally. Barb I know how close you were to her and it is just terribly sad. You definitely need to take time for yourself to heal after all you've been through. I know your heart is broken and I am truly sorry for the pain of Elizabeths passing. Tonight is a sad sad night.
Good night all!
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barbe- So sorry to hear about your friend. We get so caught up in our chats and mundane matters that I sometimes forget how horrible this disease can be. It sounds as though she was an inspiration to many. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to "know" her. I think it's very wise for you to take some time off and focus on YOU! (((hugs)))
Rennasus- Glad you are a lurker no more. Sometimes this thread veers off to our daily lives but what brought us all together is those days when it's hard to move past all this. We come here to share the emotional side of all this. Welcome!
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Barbe--I don't know the post you are talking about but I can relate. I read one called "The last Chapter" when I first got my diagnosis this year and the woman was checking herself into a hospice. I did finally respond to her but it gave me nightmares. so I can imagine how much more painful this is since you knew her.
I think taking time off to heal is a big step forward. Pain is not fun but it is real and sometimes we just have to be in it for awhile. I am (finally) going to a support group meeting on Monday night for breast cancer survivors. It's taken this long for a bunch of reasons but I am hoping it will help. Like I said before, I know depression is lurking in me, but not there (yet). I am trying to take the steps I need to keep myself mentally healthy while I go through all the physical challenges.
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Thank you ladies for understanding. I feel so guilty for using the 'system' but I truly believe I need it. I am going to seek the services of a psychiatrist at the local hospital in case I need it. I was told by my therapist that one of the drugs I am on should only be administered by a psych!! I am also thinking that I have never really grieved the cancer. I took it all in stride and went right back to work after my mast.
I know this may sound weird, but I think by dodging rads and chemo I skimmed over the emotional part of breast cancer. Sure, I lost my breasts, but hey! another day in the life of Barbe...right? I also think that the fact that I was already on antidepressants on diagnosis that I haven't truly processed it all and it is coming out in improper ways...humour?
So, I think I have a long haul ahead of me.....I'm glad this thread is here as this is the only place I will talk about this. Thank you for being here guys....
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((((Barbe))))): It's strange, but I did the same thing a few years ago: I was in horrible car accident and my car was totalled. I ended up with sever pain, several herniated disks in my neck an inability to sleep, and I went right back to work as if nothing happened. By the time I got my BC diagnosis I was about to have a nervous breakdown! You take all the time you need and I know though challenging sometimes facing our demons can be very healing. Big hugs!!!!
For those of you interested, I was really struggling with the body temp reset, nothing was working and then I discovered that the melatonin I was taking was completely messing everything up--horrible night sweats, couldn't stay warm no matter how many blankets, coats, sweaters I put on and then I started having day sweats too. Last night I didn't take a melatonin and I slept only 6 1/2 hours but I feel positively zen this morning. No night sweats and I easily woke up. Also, my joints don't hurt as much. I am really looking forward to some progress today!
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barbe- Feeling like you skimmed because you didn't do rads or chemo doesn't sound weird at all. I have felt the same way. It's this strange feeling to know you've been cured when you never felt sick but you lost your breasts, anyway. I think it would feel different, like you really had battled something, if you went through chemo or rads. Not that I would have wanted that but I understand what you're saying. I never felt like I had cancer. It felt more like a mugging by knives more than anything. BTW, there's nothing improper about processing through humor. It's probably one of the more healthy ways.
I couldn't sleep last night and found myself reading some of Konakat's posts. I don't even know her and I found myself tearing up and getting pretty emotional. The whole pink ribbon thing is always showing the survivors- never the ones that get taken by the beast. I don't think everyone gets it that women f***ing die from this disease. I'm so mad and sad this morning.
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{{{{{ Kate }}}}}} I knew her VERY well, in fact, she begged me in PM's to nag her until she moved back to Canada!! I was worried I'd get booed off the stage iv threads, but she said she'd smack down anyone that gave me grief. She said she felt like she knew me and wanted to meet me in 'real life'. I am just gutted.
MBJ, I didn't realize melatonin would affect the temp process. I thought it was needed. Good for you for figuring that one out! I'd rather have 6 1/2 hours of good sleep than 10 hours of bad sleep.!!
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Kate: I read a few of her posts yesterday as I think it's important to acknowledge the passing of yet another person with BC. It could be any of us and even though I didn't know her it really hurts in such a deep place I don't have word for it. It makes me sad and angry, too. Hugs!
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It kills me to think that she died alone.... I know her pain patch was upped and if she put on an extra one...the narcotics slow your respiration and you just fall asleep, never to wake up again. I pray she wasn't alone. No one knows as we're all too afraid to ask. I'd like to think that her mom was there.....but I don't know if I'd want to see my daughter die! Her mom is a bc survivor, in case you didn't know. Her sister is a doctor. So sad really, but she will be with her cats Ursula and Chloe again.
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Ladies, just learned this morning that a woman whose amazing blog I've been following has mets. (http://www.butdoctorihatepink.com/)
Ladies, I haven't truly processed this whole cancer experience either. I too never felt "sick," just butchered with a knife and tired. It's like I just had a bad accident, not dealt with BC. But my body has been soooo slow to heal (delayed healing in incision) so I started asking myself, "OK body, what are you trying to tell me?" The thing that popped up... that I have yet to process all this %$#@ and my seeping incision is my body weeping. Such a metaphor but it hit home for me. So, I'm gonna start focusing on going deeper into that pain. Doesn't that sound like fun? Oh joy!
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Rennausus: Wow, as painful as the healing process is, that is an excellent and beautiful metaphor. Big hugs and healing to you! I feel when they cut out my cancer they also cut out all of the bad things I no longer wanted to allow in my life. It was my "just say no" moment to all things that are hurtful and painnful. Hugs!
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Rennausus, I thought it was a GREAT metaphor too! You see, WE get it here. I also hoped I'd cut everything bad out with my cancer, but find now that there are issues I've ignored, so now I'm taking the time. Starting a little bit to not feel guilty. I guess that's the first step.
We still don't have the gas turned back on as we wait for the settlement from my DH's estate. It looks like it should be in around $35,000 give or take. That will take care of all of our outstanding debt, put new flooring in our new place (October last) and leave a LOT still in the back. One of the advantages of being the working poor, is that our debt-load is so low!!
It would be cheaper for me to join the club at the Inn (where we live onsite) than pay the gas bill! I could get a warm shower there...hehehehehehe. It amazed me at work when I'd wash my hands and feel the warm water! It's been what, 3-4 weeks now? Oh yah, we'll also get a washer/dryer with the estate money - no more laundromats!!
http://www.nottawasagaresort.com/index.htm
That is the link to the adult community we live in. There are a couple of low-rise condo units built into the hills, but mostly it's detached, semis and towns. All very pretty and we are very lucky. Because we don't own the actual building, our townhouse cost a lot less than if we had bought anywhere else, yet is by far more bang for our buck than anywhere else! There is no bus service or schools as it is for adults.
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Rennasus- I just read about Ann as well on the blog. Unbelievable. She was the first person I read after being diagnosed that showed me you can still keep your sense of humor through BC. (See, barbe, it's o.k.) For those of you who haven't read her blog you should check it out from beginning to end. She's a wonderful writer. So hope it all works out for her. It would definitely be a great loss to lose her. What a sucky day.
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Are we talking about 'Coolbreeze' with her liver mets?
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barbe- Funny, but in all this time of reading Ann's blog I never realized she was Coolbreeze but you're right.
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OMG I didn't realize she is coolbreeze! Funny!
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I've been kind of down all week with the news of konakat's passing, Coolbreeze's mets and seeing more and more new members posting. I miss the days of being happily oblivious about how wretched this disease can be. But today, my birthday, I am making a new pledge to start focusing on the blessings in my life. Tonight I'm going to get my party (and probably my drink) on and celebrate that I am at least finished with the treatment/surgery aspects of everything. I know I'll still have emotional issues that pop up like sadness, depression or just being plain pissed off at what I've lost. I swore I would never ever (EVER!) say that something good came of having BC but because I "met" all of you I have to break my promise to myself. You all are definitely some of those blessings I'm counting today!
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Kate: A very happy birthday to you and you deserve a celebration after this incredibly stressful last year! I think it is very important to not only count our blessings but to learn to look at our lives as a second chance at living our lives the way we want to in spite of having had BC. I am aslo incredibly grateful for the friendships and support I have received from all of the wonderful women, including you, on BCO. I wish you a wonderful, special day and weekend and a big birthday hug is coming your way!!!
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MBJ- Thank you!!! You and I have definitely traveled this road in tandem the past year and a half. Thank you for all the wonderful support you have always given me! I really hope we get to meet in person some day!
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Kate: I cannot wait to meet you in person, too! It will be two years for me come September and you have been there through most of it! Thank you-what a long strange trip it has been.
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Oh Kate!! Have a grand night tonight!! I am so glad your surgeries are behind you and that is giving you the opportunity to put cancer on the back burner now. God bless you sweetie!!!!! Happy Birthday!
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Happy Birthday Kate! Celebrations are important. They help balance out all the yucky ^%$# we have to deal with. Party/drink/laugh on, girlfriend!
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Hi everyone,
just came back from a 35year college sorority reunion....I was not the most active member of my sorority but when I started getting emails about the reunion and then, like a month later, my second breast cancer diagnosis, I thought, darn it, if I am able, I am going. So I'm back home today.
It was fun to reconnect with people and laugh and look at old pictures. I had shared my health status with them so they were all pulling for me. One even brought me a beautiful bracelet to wear. I didn't wear after she gave it to me to dinner because I don't always want to be reminded of my bc. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. Any of you feel like that sometimes?
I also felt kinda like I was having an out of body experience half the time because I am still recovering and waiting for exchange surgery in July. Do you guys ever feel like you want to curl up in a ball around people and be smiling at the same time?
Anyway--I just wanted to share with you all because I think you will understand what I am saying and I need to vent.
Would I do it again? Yes. Does it feel good, right now? Sorta. I'm actually now looking forward to getting together at the next reunion and having a different story to tell. I'm hoping it's a memory but not my whole life like it is now.
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Rowan, good for you for going! I wonder, when I'm in a crowd of women....1 in 8 of us are going to get bc...so how many women there had it and you didn't know? Weird to think, eh?
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