Great saying about depression
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Hi all,
One of our BC woman is in very bad shape, if any of you know her, it is Junie. She needs all the prayers and good thoughts possible. Junie is such a sweet kind and amazingly hilarious woman. I am stunned at how hard this is hitting me. I would never have believed before BC that one can love and care about someone you have never met in person. Anyway, things don't look good.
DiDel, I'm so thrilled your neighbor is found safe and sound and even better to be in rehab all by himself - that took a great deal of courage! Sorry he worried everyone but he must have been in such bad shape he did what he could. Now as to the Brothel... well... kind of rude if you ask my given the struggle we are all having with that subject!It is a double whammy of the mx plus menopause....
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Ok I will try again, after writing a few paragraphs all about my angst, my post just disappeared. Oh well. I have been lurking around this thread for weeks, not knowing how to put into words what I feel. I have been on this BC rollercoaster since DX last June, 11XTaxol, 4XAC, then BMX in January, 33 rads that ended April 8, Tamox started the next week. Thyroid went out of whack last August, have progressed from .25mg daily to now 1mg cause I can't seem to get my TSH inline. Have been on citalopram since last year, have battled depression for over 30 years, off and on anti-d's and therapy since. Both my sisters and father are on meds--so a happy family I come from!!
I get that I have been thru a lot, I know my hormones are raging but I can't get out of this overwhelming blueness I feel. My DH has been supportive but he is not the most the empathetic person, comes from a military family 'where you should just suck it up." My oldest sister is a 3 year TN-BC survivor. We have never been close, and I was not there for her at all 3 years ago. She has been great the last year for me, even coming to Florida from Virginia several times to be with me. I feel horrible guilt about that. But am grateful for the new found friendship. Work is my biggest challenge--I am known at work for being the happy always cracking a joke--its really just a defensive mechanism to keep me from crying. My boss is a paranoid, insecure micro-manager and she stresses me out beyond words. I wake and go to sleep worrying about work. I truly want to quit but we need the income badly. (son in college) Everyday my mantra at work is to not do something wrong and be called out for it. Self esteem is non-existent.
OK enough of poor pitiful me. I came to this thread because I have seen other women who are hurting and have been opening their arms to other women in pain. Thanks for listening. Big hugs to all you all.
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Claire, what is it that you do that you have to worry about work so much???? Even when I owned my own business I didn't spend my off hours worrying as much as you are...hugs, sweetie!!!
Hi, Baxter, you are here where you belong...
Stanzie, prayers are being sent to Junie, what is her bco name?
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It's Junie! Thanks!! No more news yet... still not good...
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Barbe, I am a born worrier.I have never been able to walk away from something I did wrong. Guilt is my middle name. Guilt and worry. I wish i could erase my brain--not that chemo hasn't already that!
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Claire: I, too, am a born worrier. I have taken Celexa for three years and it really has helped me. As for guilt, we all have things we wish we could undo. I work on a suicide hotline and one of our favorite sayings is "Go gently with yourself." It is much easier to give that advice than to take it, but being kind to ourselves is so necessary. Sending hugs to you.
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Claire- From what I get reading your post you have been on a non stop anxiety bullet train with no stops in between. No wonder you are blue. I think each additional challenge can't help but feel more overwhelming than the one before when they are piled on top of each other like that. Pile our chemical imbalances from lack of estrogen and thyroid issues (which a lot of us seem to have) and it's no wonder everything is out of whack. When I find myself in that kind of spiral it seems to intensify the negative emotions in my life- guilt, anger, resentment, etc. It can be easy to start taking inventory of what is lacking in your life (and believe me, I am a great inventory taker in this department) instead of what is good. You say your DH is not supportive but then you come to his defense with explaining how he was raised. You talk about your estranged relationship with your sister but then tell us how she was there for you and how things are improving. So I think your normal inclination is to see the good in things but it's just so damn hard right now to do that. It probably doesn't help but from everything I've read it takes at least 2 years to process and move on (as much as any of us can) from BC. You're only half way through. I'm about 18 months out and it does get better. I still have my days but they truly do seem to be coming fewer and farther between. It really helps to be able to come on here on the bad days and open up to others who get it. I think at some point all our families want us to "suck it up" and move on and most of us aren't ready quite as soon as they are. Just know we are here to listen any time. (((hugs)))
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Claire -- from one worrier to another -- BIG HUGS !! Sometimes it just feels like everything is crashing down on us...I have been working really hard at "staying in the moment" to not get overwhelmed by anxiety.
this is just a quick post but just wanted you to know another person cares about what you are going thru...
Stanzie -- more prayers going out to Junie.
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Claire Welcome...glad you chimed in..you are still so early in your diagnosis and still in the middle of healing your body..unfortunately it all takes time. I feel like you can't start to heal the emotional stuff till you get through the body. Once I was done my last surgery is when a wave came over me like what the hell just happened to me??!! But in the last few months Ive been able to take a step back and see what areas of my life I HAD to slow down and let things go. I used to be a complete maniac with work ..I worked all the time..I was always available to clients day or night weekends etc. I slept with my Blackberry.. it was craziness. Then I just said I can't do this..I am exhausted and it was just too much pressure I was putting on myself. I told my clients that from now on after 6 unless it was urgent I would not be taking calls or responding to emails. Not one person has had issue with it..so far. I also asked at my office if I could move office space to somewhere more private...also was not an issue. All things I was afraid to do and no one really cared. I know its hard but right now the number one priority has to be you. There is nothing selfish about it. Your body has been through the ringer...and you need a some ME time. A friend of mine once told me that she puts on her calendar her workout time as if it was a business meeting. She never misses it and feels so good afterwards. It's funny too cause she is really strict about it and never gives in..she has an appt with herself or her trainer and that's that. Do something just for you everyday, even if its just sitting quietly outside for 15 minutes to decompress. I hope things ease up for you soon.. Hugs to you!!
Stanzie sorry about Junie...I hate hearing about another BCO sister struggling and in pain. Poor thing. Hope she finds some relief soon.
OK back to work for me.. Have a good rest of the day!
Diane
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Stanzie- So sorry to hear about your friend. I know how hard it is. I swear I have more of an emotional connection with all of you than my friends in real life. Yet, it's so hard when we lose someone on here but there's no sense of closure when you never met them, don't attend the funereal or memorial service. It's like they just disappear in cyber space leaving a black hole. But the grief is just as real. I hope that Junie pulls through. Can't stand the thought of one more woman being ravaged by this f****** disease. (((hugs)))
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Kate, I love what you said about moving on from BC. Really helps me to have a time frame to look for. I feel like my family and even some of my friends are done with cancer already. Been kind of running exhausted, trying to NOT feel all the SE from the chemo, and maybe even pretend it isn't that big of a deal. So hard to balance your own needs against those needs of the people close to you. I had heard that it can take your body a year after chemo, just to get back to where it was. I guess it's like when someone close to you dies. . . . it can take a LONG time to grieve and everyone does it differently. So many times people feel like you should be "over it" and moving on, before you are ready.
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Kate,
Wow, your statement was an eye opener - two years to emotionally settle back into life after breast cancer.
That explains why I still feel so depressed a large part of the time. I was dx March 16,2010 and finished radiation August 30, 2010. Guess I've got 6 months to a year to get over this hump.
My DH, who has been supportive all along - well the truth is we went from having sex twice weekly to not at all since my diagnosis. He may be 77 and I'm 58, so that may seem too old to many of you to care, but I do, and I miss how we used to talk in bed before and cuddle after. In day to day life my husband is not a kissy, huggy person, so i'ts been really rough on me especially not getting hugs.
My cold implants shock me, and I know being on Femara has pretty well taken away my want of actually having sex. My DH and I have never even talked about why we don't have sex and he has never said he misses it. Maybe the implants and no nipples (I'm getting them when the PS lets me) are too much. I exercise, watch my diet, keep up with how I look and do truly try so it can't be said I've let myself go. Before BC people used to say I looked 15 years younger than I am but no one says that now. My son thinks I look older because of my short 'grandma' curly hair, thanks to chemo and he says when my hair grows to my shoulders again and is straight I will look like 'me' again. With the hot flashes and aching joints it's very difficult to forget what I have gone through.
DH says he doesn't understand why I would think about BC as I don't 'have' it anymore.
Does BC ever leave us?
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5kidsMom- I think everyone is so used to the tv drama 60 minute cure that they don't really realize what a long process this all is. My doctor told me that for every hour you are under anesthesia it takes about a month to recover- not just physically but mentally, too. Add chemo into the mix, which is essentially a poison if you think about it, and how can we not be affected by all that? Whenever I came across any research about it I would print it out and have my family read it so they would get that this is not a sprint. It's an endurance race.
Debbie- It doesn't seem too old to want sex and it is important. I look at sex as that part of each other that only you two share. When that stops, and the intimacy along with it, it starts to feel to me more like a roommate than a DH. Obviously there's different reasons in a marriage for that to happen but it's still a loss. One thing that helped me in the beginning was wearing a sexy bra or something. I wasn't as self conscious, it covered up the cold implants and depending on the bra or cami it would cover up the fact you don't have nipples right now. Anyway, just a thought. Seems to work for a lot of us. Also wanted to tell you I had the cold implant thing, too. Not sure if your surgeons do fat grafting or not but I just had this done. My PS grafted fat from my stomach, hips and thighs and used it to cover the implants. I did it for other reasons but one of the benefits is the skin over the breast is now warm to the touch. It feels so much like natural breast tissue. It has made a huge difference in how I felt about my recon and the implants.
As far as your question about BC leaving us. I actually read here on BCO that might help. It's about the fear of recurrence but I think it fits here, too. I think I posted it awhile ago but I'll re-post for our new members.
"Living with the fear of breast cancer is having a whale move into your living room. One day, it just appears and is always in the way. Over time, the whale can get smaller, but it never quite goes away. Maybe, sometimes, it gets down to the size of a magazine rack and once in a while you bump into it. Sometimes, it swells up in your face again, like when you have a mammogram and they call you back for extra views."
-BarbaraSo I think we'll see the whale, and think about the whale for awhile, but eventually it will shrink down to (hopefully) the size of a minnow.
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Kate,
Thank you for sharing your 'bedroom' ideas, wisdom and the quote.
I haven't even thought of trying to cover my implants with something pretty that I am comfortable with. I just don't feel attractive anymore even though I have two perky foobs with cleavage.
My BS mentioned the fat grafting to me the last time I saw her and she said to discuss with my PS, who I haven't seen since then. It's a good idea.
Since my DM in March with reconstruction lasted 7 hours, I guess I am still, in a way, recovering from that.
Some good ideas Kate - thanks!
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hey ladies, not much to say..sex? intimacy? they are but a distant memory for me right now.. i want to; but with dryness; and depression, and a DH with a low Test. count it, well, aint happenning.. ! i also miss the closeness, it was a way i "fixed" my depression.i have tried the pretty camis, and i always wear my foobs in them in case.. i don't know we'll have a "normal" sex life again, but some of the options are being missed here. the le makes my skin hurt when you touch it, still, and the thyroid makes me too tired..the brains there, the body isn't. but, im ever the optimist!hahaha its good just to hear im not the only one, and age does make a difference; but hormones overrule most!..........3jays
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My DH lost interest when he was diagnosed with his brain tumours. I told him he was the only man in the world who whined when his wife wanted sex!!! He is 61 and I am 53 and we haven't had sex for 2 years. It kills me!!! Very unforntuate that it coincided with my breast cancer. He has tested for low testosterone too.
But sex is FREE!!! We used to be like bunnies. It was a GREAT stress release and made me feel good as a woman. Now here I am with no breasts and no sex....sigh. The last time we attempted it before my mast my left nipple bled right in front of us (spontaneous bleeding). That kind of creeped him out as the blood ran down my breast...sigh. We've had sex twice since then and nothing for the past 2 years.
I feel like I have lost an awful lot with the loss of my sexuality. No more pretty nighties and no more breathless nights - except in pain. Holy shit, we've lost SO much!
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Some women use coconut oil or olive oil for dryness. You can get it in capsules and use as you would a suppository. They're both used for skin dryness too.
My husband died shortly after I completed treatment, so I don't have first hand experience. Good luck.
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If you're dealing with depression, lack of intimacy, lack of estrogen related issues check out the thread "I WANT MY MOJO BACK". Lots of good advice on there.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/7/topic/69566?page=100#post_2507004
Here's another one, too, which is more about dryness.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/26/topic/760847?page=1#post_2146708
Maya- I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I can't imagine how hard that would have been right after BC. I'm glad he was there for you as you were going through treatment, but what an unimaginable loss. I hope you have people in your life to help you deal with all this. We're here to listen if you need us. (((hugs)))
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Kate- I would be very interested in those threads, but I can't find them....is there a place to type in the "I want my mojo back"--the links wouldn't work for me.
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Maya }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
The original poster for the Mojo thread has passed. I stopped reading that thread when she died....
I HAVE mojo, I just have no one to celebrate it with!! I think my woo hoo has probably all closed up now. Bye bye, woo hoo.
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rella40- Even when you put in the exact title sometimes you have to scroll down to find it. Not sure why that is. Must be the most active post with the words your searching for comes up first. Put the title in and I think it's the 6th one that comes up. Sorry the links aren't working. You can also copy and paste the links into your browser and it should connect you. Even though the original poster passed away I just checked and it looks like the thread is still active.
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Thanks Kate, I found it. I had never even noticed the search button until after I posted and really looked for it. I am such a DA (dumb a**)
I have been going at it the hard way since I found this website. Barbe you are too funny! 0 -
Oh, the thread is VERY active! It's a great thread.
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Wow, for some reason the fact that I am not the only one here not seeing any action in the bedroom since being diagnosed with BC, and 'no action' is still the status 5 months after getting my DM and implants (no nips but I look fine with a bra or camisole on).....well, I just don't feel so isolated, weird and alone.
I think a big factor of BC is how things I took for 'normal activity' before BC have become a thing of the past. I often wish for 'the way I was BC' but realize nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be exactly the same.....and for me it's not the actual loss of my breasts but everyting else.
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i am the daughter of a survivor and while I may not have a place here, my mental health problems started around the time my Mom got cancer. I am still dealing with mental health issues. I have tried A LOT of meds and finding the right combo takes a bit and even then it might only work for a bit and then has to be changed! GR!
When I first ran the CIBC Run for the Cure afterwords I broke down shifting attention away from my Mom to me. I really want to shift the attention to my Mom this time. Show her my love and care. To show her that time was the sh**iest time ever and I acknowledge it! I want her to have that love.
That I'm so glad she's here. After all the chemo, radiation, prevention meds and operations she's alive!
Again I am sorry if it is not my place but please support me in my run. I am running in the CIBC Run for the Cure (Ottawa,Canada) Oct. 12.
Please visit runforthecure.com, click donate, and then type in particpant Rena Bruner aka me!
Thank you in advance! Good luck and a good fight to those suffering, there is always light at the end of the tunnel though it might take some burroughiong to get there!
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I want to thank all you for your kind words. Kate you really nailed how I feel. I really think I do see the positive in everything, I try to think that there is good in everybody--but I do get P/O when they prove me wrong!! My patience however with this whole Bc has just worn thin, I guess. I truly admire all that have come before and have been able to move on and to a new "normalcy." I am just truly eager to get there. Wish I could skip a few steps.
Don't get me started on the bedroom part of my life. It had been 2 months BEFORE my Dx that we had last had sex. How do you tell your DH to get his testosterone checked? How do you broach that subject?? We had sex a few months ago, I think I marked the date on the calendar! But it was truly all for him and has been ever since (if you know what I mean). Still don't need all my fingers on one hand to count the times in the last year and half. Does make me sad that I can't figure out how to open up to him, or how to feel sexy again. I didn't have recon (yet) so I just have lovely flat scars with those perky dog flaps. Haven't come to accept all that yet but that's another story!!
Thanks again for your kind words!!---and Diane, I want to come visit your neck of the woods. Sounds like never a dull moment. I am glad your neighbor was found--and I hope he finds his peace.
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Haha Claire come visit any time. I have this little victorian house and woods behind me. I am on a lot and a half so its very private. While Yes Kate it is adorable if you saw my neighbor ( I dont like) across the street...you'd get a better view of Baltimore City. Don't get me wrong I love my City it's just a little too active at times. Turns out the Brother was part of a human trafficking ring the Feds busted in 5 states all together. Most people in the neighborhood had no idea what was going on. Living in a big city you gotta take the good with the bad.
I'm sorry some are having difficulties ...eehh eemm you know..Of course me being single I thought all you married folk had it easier since your spouses went through the BC journey with you. I guess at the end of the day we're really just all the same with the same insecurities. I hate that we worry about how we'll look with out partners and that part of our repertoire is off limits or just so GD numb there's no sense in even trying.
Last night I went through the Mojo thread and I caught a bit of Mena's story. I always am amazed and how strong and poised the women are in their worse times.
The best thing about BCO is there is just a thread for every phase of your journey. I've been through the Chemo and Exchange and Tamoxifen and Hair and now here. I love the friends and relationships I've made along the way and I truly don't know what I'd do without all you ladies most days. Your support and encouragement and understanding has been amazing. I feel like I always have someone to talk things through. its' always nice to know you are not alone.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
Diane
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It does make you wonder that if you opened up in the middle of a crowd, say in a mall, and started to tell your story that other women would join in and soon you have a kumbaya going on!!! Seriously. We ALL have our stories and every one of us carries a cross that we think is too heavy. But we know deep down there are other's worse off....but at times we don't care!!! It's OUR live's we're worried about!!!!!
As for sex, I HATE it when on TV it is the wife who 'doesn't want it' and the husband does all this posturing crap. I know more women who want 'it' and can't get 'it' and the husbands just breeze along. I won't give my DH a 'hand' if you know what I mean. He's 8 years older than me and one of our 'deals' was, and he said this "If I'm too old to cut the mustard, I can always lick the jar". Well, this jar ain't been licked in a looooooooooooooooooooooooong time...if you know what I mean. If he's not interested, fine. But I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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renab- While I appreciate what you and your Mom have gone through it is against the community rules to promote donations of any kind without the written approval of BCO. You can appreciate that some women on here are vulnerable and come here for support not to be used as possible donors. We all have our individual charities we would promote if given the chance but BCO is not the time or the place. If you scroll up to the right hand corner you will see "Community Rules". You may want to read those over.
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barbe1958:
Your remark about your husband, the jar and mustard had me laughing but isn't that the sad truth.
If men would think once in a while about us first and helping to make us feel sexy - just simple things like saying we look good in an outfit or noticing when we get our hair done....well, I know I would be more inclined to 'do the mustard'.
I think that is one reason why BC is so depressing is how it upsets those few minutes a couple can share when they can make the rest of the world go away or make it seem like a better place.
After my DH and I used to 'get together' I always slept so well. Hmmm, maybe that's one reason why I have trouble falling asleep and don't stay asleep.
Now, every time I take out the jar of mustard to make a sandwich I am going to think of sex - too weird! Thanks for the laugh!
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