Great saying about depression
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Hi, I am the lucky sister. It is not me that has the cancer, it is my younger sister. She was diagnosed about 11 months ago. Triple Negative Breast that Mestastisized to her bones, liver an now marrow. She has been through all of the treatments. I love my sister so very much. I am not sure how to talk with her or get through to her. She has cut everyone out of her life and for the first 6 months, she seemed to be in denial, but had her humor and was doing okay. As it has progressed she does not want any family phone calls, emails or visits. She gets so angry with me or my my mother when we call or try to do anything. I understand that she has a right to her anger and I overlook her comments and sarcasm, but she is isolating herself at this point. She has a young child and has not made any arrangements for him.
I am not sure what to do. Please help me understand what is going on with my sister and how I can help her. She is terminal.
Thanks to anyone that can offer insight,
Sheri
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Sheri- I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It's hard enough to think about losing her but I'm hearing in your words that you feel you already have. I cannot begin to understand what she is feeling but can only guess that she is trying to isolate herself from all of you as a means of protection. That if she's not close than it will hurt less when it is time to say good bye. I wish I could tell you how best to help her but I would suggest posting on some of the stage 4 threads on here as well. Since many are going through the same experience as your sister they may have some comfort and advice. Your family is in my thoughts.
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Sheri: I agree with Kete and I have nothing to offer either. There are other women her with sisters and dsughters going through the same as you. It would be worth starting up a thread or asking advice from others in stage 4 threads. Hugs.
I have been wandering through the house in a daze not sure where I fit in or how I am supposed to proceed with my life. I get the seeing myself in the mirror and remembering thing--I have hair lie a stuffed animal and it just sickens me to see my refrlection. I have always taken such care with how I look and to have so little control makes me crazy and sounds so shallow but I look in the mirror and I no longer recognize myself.
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Sheri, I'm sorry your sister is isolating herself, could be depression? That diagnosis is a lot to handle. Is there a clergyman or counselor that could get involved? When my mom was dx with a terminal illness, I learned from hospice that was a normal stage of grief and they really helped her with that issue through clergy and counselors. I am praying for you and your family.
MBJ, I feel the exact same way. I look in the mirror and feel old, not me, like someone else is in the mirror. Then I look closer, see me, put on some makeup and my earrings and feel a little better. Have you attended a look good/feel good program? Even though you're a year out, it might be worthwhile? I'm suppose to attend in Jan. and hoping that makes me feel a little better bacause I'm still in the thick of chemo. Do you have your hair back yet?
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Maureen: Thank you! I have done it all but nothing will make my hair behave normally. It sounds like such a small thing, but I don't like having "old lady hair" nor do I like spending hours on it to just look something like hair.
I had a nightmare last night that the cancer came back in both my MX side and my augmented side. Guess I am living in alot of fear right now.
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I think about that all the time. My question always is: What if I do all this and it still comes back? I don't have an answer for that question so I tell myself I doing everything I can to fight this disease and I can do no more. You are being monitored by docs/oncs you trust so I figure they'd at least catch it earlier than they did before. Look forward to the new year, new leaf, new life, that is the one positive I see, I get a do-over with this disease. I clearly know who and who is not my friends and I'm looking forward, also, I'm not so hard on myself anymore, if I want to sit on the couch, that's what I'm doing.
Happy New Year All
Love,
Maureen0 -
Sheri I am so glad you are reaching out to try to find out how to help your sister. The isolation thing I think is pretty normal. I know I did that during a period of complications. It takes a lot of effort to talk to someone when you are feeling sad, down and angry. She may be afraid to show her true emotions to you because they are so intense and difficult to express. My advice is to keep to keep trying. Even if she doesn't respond, leave the voice mail, send the card write her a letter. Let her know you are there and then truly be there and don't run when she does express emotions that are difficult to hear. I wish you peace.
Kate glad you made it through. Yesterday one yr. diagnosis for my bilateral mx I woke up and said this is the day I chose to live by having my breasts removed. That helped a little. I also went shopping in two wonderful little towns in northern MI with my hero hubby. But then I cried later. But we got through it! That is what counts.
Veggy I think for me it helps sometimes just to hear others express what I am feeling. I went to a counselor to verify I was reacting in a "normal" way but only once.
I think I can relate to not knowing how I need to be. I don't know how to proceed really, I just get up and move through the day as best I can and I hate how I feel a lot of the time. I just keep hoping it will get better. I think it is true that time will help.
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Ok I have the book Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivors Soul. I don't normally like these kinds of touchy feely books but it has some very meaningful and inspiring short stories. Also lots of great quotes and one I will share with you from Eleanor Roosevelt.
"When you get to the end of your rope...tie a knot in it and hang on!" I just love that cause it reminds me to hold on tight through the tough times you can make it through it.
Maureen I love what you said about knowing who your friends are and not being so hard on yourself. I feel the same way. I was my worst critic ESPECIALLY on my body and looks and now I look at pics and instead of picking myself apart I can appreciate how cute I looked or how happy I was in the pics. VERY different perspective now.
Determined. I hit my anniversary of my mx on 12/23. I will say I thought about it all day and did cry at one point but was proud that I didn't fall to pieces like I thought I would. I look at it like you did and thought that was the day I saved my life! I am proud of the strength and courage it took to make that decision and all the ones since. We all should feel proud. Some people crumble and the tiniest bumps in road but everyone here has been braver than most people in everyday life. I feel like there is nothing I can't conquer!!! While some days I do feel self conscious about my looks most days I just have to remind myself this is all temporary. I WILL HAVE STRAIGHT BLOND HAIR BY SUMMER....that's my daily chant.
You ladies are the best.. I am so so very thankful for each and every one of you!
Happy HAPPY New Year to us all!
Diane
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I'm new to this thread.... I had my surgery double mx last march. It has been a rough year besides the cancer, I also flooded my house which took months to fix - I'm sure it was cause I just can't think properly then my beloved little dog died. She was elderly but she was everything to me. This was sort of the last straw or what just brought everything in me down. I just don't feel like fighting anymore.... I think it is more that her dying, it is trying to deal with having cancer and all but sometimes it just feels too hard. I have three teenagers, one disabled so I know I have to fight for them but it is just so hard.
I also have MS which I've been very very lucky to have very minor symptoms... well that is till I had to give up my estrogen. Boy that stuff made me feel wonderful and took away the fatigue and all the pains... So now I'm back with all that and I just don't have energy for anything. It is hard to enjoy life when you are in pain. I know I really shouldn't complain as things go with everything I'm really doing OK . Just emotionally sometimes it is too hard. I'm not one to get depressed easily nor do I give up easily but to tell the truth my little dog was who was always there for me and with me, she slept with me and waited for me and followed me everywhere and it was her that I talked to and cried with and now she is gone and I feel so alone. It is like I lost my first child as that is really how I thought of her. I'm also divorced if you are wondering about the husband figure.
Anyway, hope I didn't "share" too much for my first go at this thread. Thanks.
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Stanzie I am so glad you wrote how you are feeling. This is the one safe place you can say anything and not be judged. You have a lot that you are dealing with. I have never been depressed beyond a situational type thing like job lay off, multiple moves etc but breast cancer is a whole new game. I know it is very normal to be depressed and we have a reason to feel the emotions that we do. The full range of them. They are normal and expected. We need to keep doing what we are doing and that is recognize them, talk about them with people who have expereinced what we are so truly understand, professional councelors sometimes. Dogs are a true gift with their unconditional love, I know my golden retriever has been by my side this past year since my diagnosis.
I wish I could give you a hug. My favorite saying is "Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow" that is alll we can do. I have had multiple complications related to my bilateral mastectomy and I went to a pain clinic because I was having so much nerve pain. Have you been to one? Chronic pain is debilitating and wears you down.
I also attend a mastectomy support group which is wonderful as again the women have walked in my shoes so truly can relate. Is there a group you could go to. I am not a "support group" type person normally but this has really helped.
We care so always feel okay about whatever you share.
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Stanzie: Here is the place where we can share and say anything and there isn't any judgement, only support. I can't imagine all of the stress you are under with a disabled child, plus MS plus BC and then to lose a loved animal--my pets are my children and they are getting older and needier and I can't imagine life without them. Once they are gone, I would eventually have to have new animals because I also cannot imagine life without pets. I would recommend some kind of support group and even if it's too soon to have another pet, allow yourself to be around animals. A very dear friend of mine lost her dog and she ended up volunteering at an animal shelter. She had a shared ownership with an ex and her building doesn't allow dogs, but just going there really helped her. There is a woman in one of mine (various cancers not just BC) and she has an adult child with Autism and I know once she reached out and started getting more support it really, really helped her.
For me, I am still fighting the blues. Threw out all the junk food in the house and hope this will help me feel better. Signed up for two more PT appointments--I have been having alot of pain in my right hand and foot since chemo and I am hoping she can help with this besides my MX side where my shoulder refuses to go all of the way back into position since surgery. Going to look into a support group closer to home today while at my appointment but I am not sure if Norris offers any.
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Both of the support groups I go to don't meet in the winter. This isn't fair. In the winter the days are shorter and my depression gets worse. I guess I'll be on here more often.
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Stanzie- you are not alone. I too, lost my dog, Mayor (Nov 2) I had been doing great emotionally, finished chemo, finished reconstruction got used to Tamoxifen, things should be great. Then, my best friend and constant companion for 16 years dies. I am now on Celexa, and able to move forward with my grief: both for my dog and for BC. I finally wrote a thank you note to the friend who found Mayor for me, and I was able to say what a difference he made in my life. It felt like just putting that in writing lifted so much of the pain away. Several folks here have suggested journaling, maybe its time for me to do more of it. Time, memories, and patience with ourselves is the only way to get thru this. My sincere condolences on your loss(es).
I generally like my onc, but in my last appt his answer to my anxiety and concerns was to just "not worry...lead your life" Oh, if it was just that easy!!! I dont mean to be sexist, but that was a man's answer to the problem. The nurse was much more supportive and encouraging!
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Hello ladies. I have been trying to read through most of this thread and it helps so much to know that many of you are feeling the same as I am these days. I had a BMX last April, have finished chemo and rads and started Femara six weeks ago. I found it soooo hard to go through this past Christmas thinking about how things were so different last Christmas and then I had a meltdown on New Years Day. Everyone says "you look so good" and I politely say thank you. I had a 6-week follow-up appointment with my RAD ONC this morning and of course, he also said, "gosh, you look good". Sure would be nice to feel as good as I look!
My ONC gave me a script for Celexa last summer when I was midway through chemo as I started having problems with mood swings on the darn chemo drugs. I am still taking them and I think I will ask him to up the dosage when I see him on Thursday for that follow-up appointment. I think its the combination of two follow-up appts this week, another with my breast surgeon next week, the start of a New Year, and probably Femara. And could I please have some more HAIR?
Anyway, I do have a really great local support group and I am meeting a few of them for lunch tomorrow which will be fun and uplifting. I have a great husband who has been so supportive but he's the "half full glass" and I am always the "half empty". I know he thinks that I need to move on and get back on with my life, but I just find that hard to do with this damn disease hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I had always been so active with fitness routines and various sports and I really do want to get back to all of that. Oh, gosh... enough ranting for now. But, thanks for providing a place to do that and showing me that I am not abnormal!! Everyone have a good week and take care of YOU!
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Stanzie so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my beloved cat Chloe 21 years old on April 6th, the same day most of my hair fell out. It was so tough as I live alone and she was in my life for so long. The odd thing was that she used to climb on me every morning to wake me to feed her, one morning she stepped on me and it hurt..that's how I found my lump. She was so comforting everytime I cried or wasn't feeling well she was right there by myside. After my mx she stayed in bed with me or literally by my side 24/7. The day she died was the worse day of my life, I had been crying for days about losing my stupid hair from chemo, losing her put it all in perspective. My vet said it was the last thing she did for me. Afterwards I realized how much I spoke to her during the day. My house was so silent. I decided once I finished chemo I was going to get a dog, I didn't feel ready for another cat..I especially didn't want another black and white female cat. Well one night following my exchange surgery my nephew texted me a picture of the sweetest 4 week old kitty he found on the highway in the middle of a storm at night. he said if it wasnt for her white paws he would have never seen her..the rest of her is black. needless to say i took her in although I didn't think I was ready and she has brought so much joy back into my life...now I also have a puppy and together they make me laugh and smile every day.
You will find that joy again when the time is right for you. So so sorry for your loss. You've definitely come to the right place to express how you feel!
Stay strong,
Diane0 -
Stanzie, kshep and joan888- So glad you found our "Blues Club" here. Before I found this thread I thought there must be something wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to be doing so good once they were done with treatment. Now I realize that a lot of us struggle to "move on". It seems once you're done with the physical stuff then the emotional ones hit you like a ton of bricks. I think for a lot of us, emotionally, we are in a fragile state. It's hard enough dealing with life events, especially losing a beloved pet, but impossibly hard after coming off BC. Even the little things seemed difficult right now like I'm swimming in wet cement. But coming here to talk about it has helped so much and I definitely feel less alone. I hope all of you will get the same comfort from all of us here.
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I get a lot of comfort here. I now know that I am not alone in the way I feel. Others share my feelings and I am not crazy for feeling this way. My family don't understand but you all do. Thanks.
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veggy- (((((HUGS)))))
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Thanks Kate! (((((HUGS!)))))
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It took a couple of "depression" threads until I found this one. We all seem to get it, so I too, am very comfortable here. I feel I can say anything and no one will pooh-pooh it or tell me to get over it. Thanks ladies! I love you all!
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Wow, thank you all SO much! I think everyone said such great things and I appreciate it beyond what my words can express. I'm very glad to have found this thread as well as on other threads I sort of felt like I came off pitiful and no one knew what to do or say. So again thank you all.
Oh DiDel, my goodness 21 years - that is a long time - how lucky you both were. I once read a quote about dogs which said something like they only live so many years cause if they lived twice that how much more would the grief hurt. I know I'm not saying it correctly.....
anyway, though - Thank you so much.
I know my life will never be "normal" again but anyone know when it just gets easier? I think I'd at least like that? Sometimes it is harder now because no one asks you and means it when they ask how you are. Its like not that I'm not in "typical recovery mode" then everything is fine. Will it ever be fine?
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Define "fine"........
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I have heard that it can take 2-5 years (sound like a life sentence??) before we truly feel "fine" but no, I don't thin any of us will ever be the same and it isn't all bad. I am healthier now, make (hopefully) better, more informed choices. Now if I could just shake this depression.
Reached out today and called my NP and she referred me to a woman who is sending me some info on local support groups and such. Looks like I will still have to travel a bit for it. It's a first step. Hoping I will be able to avoid going on antidepressants as I had a rough go with them causing more harm then good a few years back.
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Hmmm, I'd say fine is when you don't feel like crying everyday and you have energy for life and even though I think we will all still worry about it coming back(cancer that is) but it isn't what you immediately think of. Does that make sense? Better yet is that at all realistic for a goal?
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I saw on another thread that someone said BC is like the song "Hotel California"- you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave. Pretty much sums it up, huh?
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Oh my gosh, that so sums it up but then also makes me think of roach motels..... ewwww sorry!
Just saw the movie, "The king's speech" -really wonderful and a nice "get away" from my own life.
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Kate: Great analogy.
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I do believe that we all just need some more time and we will be "fine". December was my month for tests...and my new family dr. was concerned that my blood count was low (I was anemic) when I mentioned that to my onc he said he could see why she thought that but if she would have seen where I was 6 mos ago she would understand that I am still improving and recovering. That kind of hit home that recovery is a longer journey than I had thought. My hair is not back to what it used to be and neither is my body...I have to have patience.
By the way speaking of hair- what is this stuff?? It has a bizarre mind of its own and wants to stick up and curl and ....arggg. I wanted hair back yes, and I appreciate every little strand, but its soooo weird!!
I was just walking with my ipod yesterday and listened to "Hotel California" and thought the exact same thing about the BC analogy.
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Yes, "Hotel California" is definitely a great analogy. Can't get that song out of my head now. Well, at least I am singing! We saw "The King's Speech" last week also. Really loved it.
Kshep... I am dealing with the hair thing right now also. Just 18 weeks PFC and it does seem to be really starting to grow. Not long enough yet to do much but lay flat and straight. Check out the hair, hair, hair thread.
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kshep- I second the realization that recovery is a longer road than I ever thought it would be. I'm 18 months PFC - this spring I embarked on a long distance hike on the Appalachian Trail- the intent was to walk 2179 miles from Georgia to Maine over a 6-7 month period. I knew I wouldn't be able to start off doing the kind of mileage backpacking I did before breast cancer- but I thought if I got out on the trail, I would eventually get my trail legs back. I have hiked the AT before - 9 years ago- and done other long hikes as well.
well DH and I went out there and I struggled to make the miles- I couldn't walk as fast, my legs hurt a lot more, I needed to take more breaks, sleep longer. So we hiked slowly- doing what I could do- if we did do a big day- it took me several days to feel somewhat decent again.I got depleted of electrolytes really easily and If I drank one beer at dinner- I'd feel like total crap hiking the next day.
It was really frustrating to me- not being able to just WILL myself into being able to hike longer days. We stayed out 4 months- hiked about 100 days total - not counting days off. We averaged about 9 miles a day and hiked about 900 miles.
But I feel like I have been dwelling on the 1200 miles we didn't hike instead of the 900 we did. For people who don't hike- its much easier for them to say- look at all you did! But for me, I still viewed the hike as a failure because I had done it sucessfully before. We went out hiking for a week 4 months later and despite sitting on my butt for thos 4 months- I felt stronger hiking than I had before. It just takes time.
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