Great saying about depression
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weird,people >> a "barely there" cancer prented me with a radical BMX; 22 rounds of chemotherapy, LE, and hormaonal therapY!! really? they just don't get it!!
I am havinga low day.. a day that's "sould be " a happy one; but, with all thats' going on, thats' NOT what im feeling today. i think thats' why i wandered in here..i lurk, but don't post much here.
BAXTER i wanted to thank you for what you wrote; about the implants feeling" alien" and all. because of my health, im not a candidate for any of it. AND my scar is bigger, and deeper than most.. because it was radical, and because i got infected both times, and it doesn't heal well.
I've tormented myself with the "i wishes" fo some time.. and, althoughh the PS told me women of my age(60) come back to have them removed. cause theydon't match the rest of us(me) and their alien to the body. i didn't really believe it unti today, when i read your post. i thought he was blowin smoke up my bakside.. thank you. maybe now, i can let go of that peice of mental anguish. I am so sorry, like Barbe said, that you went through so much, and its' still not right.. we can't ever have our breasts back.. but they were trying to kill us!! if we just could go back, and not have cancer: now, thats' the fix!! but, its impossible. so, we muddle along. here, with each others' honesty, we find our truth for the day.
I thank all you ladies for your intimacy with me " Into Me You /see" 3jays
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I lost a wonderful friend yesterday to lung disease. One thing I have noticed is that every loss brings up all the losses. Something I never experienced prior to BC. As irrational as it sounds it makes me angry that something else has been taken from my life. I feel like I've lost all ability to compartmentalize and it all gets thrown together in a big sob fest stew. Is this depression? PTSD? Why do some of us have it and others don't? I will never understand all the nuances of this disease.
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For some of us its the "straw that broke the camels back" - we can only take so much in our lives.....
I don't even try to compartmentalize. It takes way too much energy!
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Kate, I'm so so sorry!
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Feeling low myself, even after almost 9 years, or because the 9th anniversary is nearly here? But I've had to cope with depression my entire lifetime. I take an old, old anti-depressant and the only side effect I have is dry mouth. Maybe it's the almost constant clouds where I live and we're not half-way through winter yet. Maybe it's because I work with women who have BC, although many days they are a true joy. That probably sounds odd, but I see nearly every day, a woman finding a happy spot in spite of treatment, and there are our "graduates" from treatment. We offer ceremonies for those who want them, most do. We give out a diploma and sing a song for them. There are tears and hugs and long goodbyes. And many of them I see in my yoga class even after finishing treatment.
But yes, BC does change us forever, but so does a heart attack, stroke or other dreadful disease. We are all walking wounded. Our psychologists on staff tell us, it's okay to break down from time to time. It's cleansing. Maybe I should let myself go and throw a few of my dishes against the wall.
Or maybe it's just the weather...
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(((((Kate))))): I am so sorry for your loss! Prior to getting BC I lost 3 friends to cancer, two men one with BC one with brain cancer and another to brain cancer. I thin we are all so raw from what we have just been through that when something else happens, we still aren't equipped to deal with it--the rug just gets pulled out from us again! I have a friend who's wife is Stage IV BC and I know I will soon have to deal with that loss and sometimes it just feels so overwhelming. Be extra good to yourself today and the rest of the weekend. Cry, take a bubble bath, light candles, play music, watch a movie. Give yourself permission to just indulge! Big hugs coming your way.
BTW: My friend's wedding is on March 26th in Scottsdale, Arizona and we will drive up the 25th and stay until the 27th. Would love it if we could meet up somehow!
Maya2: Your words have such truth and poetry in them! Maybe it is just the clouds. Today it is very cloudy and hazy here, too , in Los Angeles and it always makes me sadder somehow.
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It has been a dreary winter, so little sun! I just mentioned that to my DH today. My meds give me dry mouth too and I have to chew gum all the time. I like to mix it up but hate an Aspartame back-taste so I have to chose carefully....
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Its been dreary here and snowing. I took the dog out to play and he ran away from me. He ran in the neighbor's fields and I couldn't see him. He had fun chasing a rabbit. I'm tired now.
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Kate so very sorry. Someone said to me the other day, there just seems like there is so much more sadness in our world today. I think that as we deal with BC and losses of breasts or tissue if you had a lumpectomy there is that constant reminder because of the way we feel and everytime we see ourselves.There is the loss of safety as we think about how it can come back any time. The loss of sensation during intimacy. Then we have a friend, family member or pet pass away and it grips our heart and soul as we know our own sadness related to our disease and so empathize with those who have the loss as well. Does that make sense?
As we all know let the emotions flow so you can begin to heal.
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Well said...Kate sorry for your loss. I feel like my emotions are right on the surface and can blow at any minute. Any emotion too whether its anger or sadness. A minute ago I was laughing with my PS and now I sit here in tears. I know how you feel. Every loss used to remind me of a previous loss. Now it just reminds me of my new life and all I've lost. I think that is normal.
We're here for you ... Hugs all around.
Diane
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I just cried my eyes out when someone just posted a picture of me from a month ago. Friends commented that they saw the strength, beauty blah, blah, blah. I saw stress. I saw lifeless eyes. Like DiDels said, "Now it reminds me of my new life and all that I've lost". I asked her to remove it.
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I never knew that about Churchill. that's also a great quote. Much inspiration here!
I'm feeling the love vibes
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Determined - that was perfect - I like the way you expressed that.The whole part about safely really hit home for me. And I think that is a huge part of it all. After my parents died I read somewhere that said when your parents you lose your footing on earth and that was exactly how I felt. I know as we all get older, we will lose more and family and friends that we love and now with BC it just makes it all closer and a lot more frightening besides having to deal with the loss now we have our own fears and worries to come flooding back at us.
I guess you can't know till you have actually experienced it but it makes me with I had known how cancer makes people feel and so I could have somehow related or helped them more... I don't know.. I'm losing track of what I'm trying to say.
I missed the Churchill quote I think.
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Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. You guys always know the right words to say to make me feel better....and to blubber like a baby. Don't know what I would do without you! It just really helps to know someone understands.
MBJ- Yes, I definitely want to get together!!! I am putting the dates in my calendar! It will be so great to meet you!
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Hi Ladies, I just need to get something out of my brain. Having a hard time dealing with this dx. Doc chose to watch this lump hence the SIII dx. upset with that. The docs thought the tumor was smaller, less aggressive, wrong again, 5cm and 4 nodes involved. Lost my mom, MIL to pancreatic ca 6mo. from each other, FIL to lung cancer so went into a funk, not driving, depressed, crying etc.....FINALLY I come out of this cloud and start getting back to life in the middle of chemo. I go out to dinner with friends that we used to meet monthly for 16 years. At the dinner table, someone inquires what piece of chicken I want, and one of my best friends says "give her the breast she needs it!!!" I was so hurt, but I laughed and went on with the night, my DH says she's a jerk just ignore her, I just needed to get this out of my system and suppose move on....to my next chemo tx. I just don't want to talk to her ever again. She called to apologize and God knows I'm trying but it upset me so much, I need to forgive her. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Kate: I will keep you posted as to our schedule and where we are staying!
Maureen: Wow, that was a cruel thing to say but I do think that others just don't get it and use humor to deal. Forgiveness is key but I am not sure I would want to spend much time around someone so insensitive. Hugs.
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Maureen- I'm so sorry to hear about all you are going through right now. You are experiencing an unbelievable amount of losses. Given that, you would think your "friends" would be a little more sensitive. Unfortunately, though, many of us have been let down by those we thought would be there for us. This DX definitely does a number of your relationships by the time it is all done. This happens so often there is a thread about it called "The dumbest things people have to said to you/about you". We're up to page 109 so that will give you some idea how truly clueless people are. Feel free to vent here anytime!
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Maureen, I really think you should share that story on the Dumbest things thread Kate mentioned- that's a new one! And there are alot of stories about people figuring out who their real friends are and letting those who aren't go- or taking those and throwing them under a bus! I was lucky that I didn't have any relationships dissolve- but I have always been an introverted person who just has a small handful of close friends anyway
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Maureen....I'm sorry that your friend said such a hurtful thing...at least she realized how stupid she was.....but still!!!! ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
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Maureen, I'm so sorry. That would hurt me too. I used to meet with a group of friends but two went away when I got divorced but I can imagine something like that happening and yes I know that was very mean. I'm sure they didn't actually mean it to be mean or didn't realize how awful it would hit home but that isn't an excuse. I'm glad she did call to apologize so somehow she was clued in. Still so sorry.
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Maureen, how awful. I'm so sorry. I've had remarks made to me that hurt to the core and did just what you did, then regretted not letting her have it. It's difficult to move on after that, but I'm with MBJ, I'd limit or end spending my time with her. When you're dealing with BC, it's best to have only helpful, caring people around you. This is often a time in our lives when we allow some people to fall away (family included) and others to be brought closer. Cancer really shows us who are true friends are.
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Maureen, not acceptable for any reason or excuse!! I have chosen to distance myself from those who have caused me increased stress due to minimizing what I have gone through or saying insenstive things or not supporting me but through a few comments on facebook! I have chosen a few select people who were sincere when they said they would be there through the good and bad.
And it is important for us not to feel guilty because we decide we don't want to be around them. We should not feel guilty that we are not going to tolerate that type of insensitivity. Hugs to you
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Maureen... so sorry you are dealing with that. I've had similar instances from well-meaning friends who just didn't get it also. I agree that they try to use humor to make light of the subject, but it comes at a time, that WE are so vulnerable and know that we will never make light of BC. My ladies golf group decided to host a Rally for the Cure golf event in my honor last summer. I was so hurt when one of the girls handed me a bag of boob shaped pasta that she found at some gag store. It went right into the trash when I got home. I was even offended that they saw fun in tying two pink balloons to each of the golf carts. I was probably at my most sensitive time having gone through BMX and had just lost my hair to the start of chemo. Someday I want to get up the nerve to tell them about this, but at the time, I just wanted to break down and cry.
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I think part of our responsibility is to be honest about the emotions we feel. Only then will women who you think SHOULD at least kind of understand get it. I keep trying to educate where I can. But sometimes I just want to scream how can you be so insensitive! Let me cut your breasts off and see how you feel. So easy to say it is no big deal when they have both their breasts.
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Maureen & Joan all I can say is people can be F&^%ing idiots sometimes. I think sometimes people are so focused on trying NOT to say something that it's the first thing that flies out of their mouths. I've done that before and felt like a complete a$$ for it. I have had some people say some insensitive things, I don't dismiss it but I just ignore them for a bit. Mainly because I am going through my own thing and can't add their stupid comments to my pile of things to deal with. I've sorta taken a hiatus from some folks. I have forgiven them cause I know they didn't mean to hurt me but I am just not ready to be around them.
The other night I was playing TABOO with friends and my teammate's clue was "something that you did that made you feel good about yourself" (I thought she was about to give away my botox secret ..LOL) and my other teammate screams out BOOB JOB. He is young and dumb so I just turned around and punched him in the arm as hard as I could...it felt good!!!! He apologized and I apologized...I think I saw tears in his eyes from my arm punch...ha ha he deserved it.
Sometimes people just don't know where to draw the line, and I am sure would never intentionally hurt your feelings.
Just my two cents
Diane
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I would never ever EVER say that anything good has come from my having BC but it did, for some unknown inexplicable reason, finally allow me to take off my rose colored glasses when it came to all the relationships in my life. And there were those I definitely found lacking. The hard part is separating those that let you down during treatment and those that have never really been there for you ever. I can be forgiving of those who just honestly didn't know what to do or say. It was the ones I finally realized were toxic that had to go.
On another subject, I live in Arizona and there was an article in today's paper about the horrific shootings in Tucson. The title was "Emotional wounds linger in crime's wake". I thought how similar that sounded to what we are all going through. It said "First comes attention to the physical wounds. Next, working through the numbness of shock". "It is time to tend to the emotional trauma of a devastating tragedy- medical and psychological." "It was time for the emotional aftershocks to be tended". The hospital where the victims were treated was explaining how they now had psychiatrists and social workers in place and said "that is the part we will be concentrating on". I remember my first meeting with my BS they had a social worker come in and introduce herself. I never gave her a second thought because my mind was racing with treatment choices and finding surgeons trying to "dodge as many bullets as I could". What they really need to do is offer that help again and again, especially after treatment, because that seems to be the time we need it the most. After all this time, why haven't hospitals and cancer centers realized that this is the area where most of us struggle? Ironically enough, the hospital that was quoted and where the victims are being treated, is the same one that did my MX and reconstruction.
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Kate: My BS gave me a number of someone to contact at the beginning of all this and now I am trying to remember where I put the number. I need to get some one on one. The only good thing that came out of this is it forced me to leave an abusive job situation. I had pretty much already gotten rid of my dead weight in friends/family years ago but it is never easy while going through a crisis to have to mourn the loss of what you thought was your support. I feel more as if I am mourning the loss of my entire life as I knew it. I'm going to need help putting the pieces back together again. Hugs.
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MBJ- Twice this week I've had the phone in my hand with the therapist's number in front of me but have yet to make the call. It does seem like I should be moving forward yet I feel stuck. Then I feel guilty for being stuck. Or angry because therapy means more work I have to do and hasn't this f****** disease taken enough of my time, money and energy? So I end up hanging up the phone, doing nothing and waking up the next day feeling just as depressed as the one before. I do wonder, though, if there was some kind of follow-up with BC patients how many of us would grab that lifeline if offered?
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Kate, get on the phone. You deserve it!! The longer you wait, the worse the guilt would be. Would you wait this long to treat a UTI????????
Just do it!
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Kate and MBJ I go to a Cancer Wellness Center in town and there is a support group just for women that have had a mastectomy. Would there be anything like that in your town? I find it so helpful to talk to women who have actually been through this horrible surgery instead of someone who can only theorize what it is like. I am a nurse so I am not putting down nurses or social workers but unless someone has had this disease and surgery they just can't understand the full impact and the many layers it touches.
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