Great saying about depression
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Hi Everyone, I haven't been on much since treatment has been done but had to stop in and see how everyone was doing. bbffair - I know exactly how your feeling! Didel you hit it right on the head too. Now that I am done and only on meds I feel forgotten and most of all a bit worthless because of the fatigue. My DH does most everything and it makes me feel like I'm not doing my part anymore. He never complains and I know he does it willingly but still can't help feeling guilty and sad. I do work two part-time jobs but that's about all I can handle right now. The doc has had me on anti-depressant but sure would like to feel more energy. I know what everyone is feeling about being with crowds too. The other day we went to Target for a few things and I felt for the first time what my DH would call "store creeps". Just wanted to get out of there! This life with BC is profoundly difficult after active treatment. Sure wish the docs would prepare us for that! Bummer! Kitty
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Well, I am 12 hours from surgery and laughing/sighing at the cat stories, housing prices, and all of our situations. Feeling calm and ready to get out of these too tall TEs and into a nicer size and style. PS hopes to fill me totally at surgery so no fills after tomorrow unril the exchange in Nov. I hope that will be the case. He said it depends on the skin and how well the first incisions hold. DH is ready to give me the injection. I chickened out today, but tomorrow nte I will be so groggy and out of it I won't care! :-). I shall return as soon as I am able! In the meantime I am going to dance in my dreams!
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Lindsey--thinking of you today. Hope you come out the other side happy with the results you want. I couldn't stick myself either!! And I couldn't count on my DH, he gets queazy at the sight of blood and needles!! My sister got blood clots in her leg when she was going thru chemo for BC. She went to the ER, being in pain and not knowing what was going on. They sent her home with the shots to do at home too. My dad almost died when b.c. from his leg went to his lungs. So we are a little sensitive to b.c. in our family. and then a couple of months later her son spent a few days in the hospital with clots in his leg(he's 27). Weird.
MBJ-I love the house!! That porch looks like the perfect place to relax and enjoy an adult beverage! Can't wait to watch the remodel unfold!!
bbffair--Welcome to our group. Sorry you feel sad ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) We're here to listen, so don't feel alone. . .
Diane--what a dreadful Friday!! I think I would have totally lost it, you handled it much better than I would have!! And to think I stress over book displays all day. . .
Kate-- how was your weekend?? Hope you had fun!!
Kitty-Let your DH help. Don't feel guilty. You have gone thru some serious medical TX and you need some help right now. Plus I think it helps our DH's get thru their grief by helping us. They can't take our BC away, but at least can help do the house cleaning----if that's what it takes to help them not feel helpless.
Well, I am off to spend the day with my dragon lady boss. Can't wait. Would much rather just crawl back in bed with my nook and finish my book.
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Dance in lala land Lindsey, you're under right now and getting re-built!!! Have a boring and undramatical recovery, sweetie!
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MBJ - Wonderful new home! I know you are so excited! Would be lovely to have chickens and veggies and I'm so jealous of your hubby who is handy. I did have that with my ex. but it wasn't worth it just for the building and fixing ability. When will you all move? And wow will be an adjustment for the winter weather.
Love the cat story but snakes? Yikes, I'm hoping mine won't go there... last week I found a dead chipmunk in the kitchen then bird feathers in the den. I kept looking for the dead bird .... well I had to leave and came back and nope it was very much alive and slamming into the ceiling and the windows. I opened all the doors and the bird just wouldn't go out. So 5 1/2 hours later.... finally got the bird out. The worst one was the poor little dead bunny....
didn't like that one at all.bbffair- Yes, finishing up treatment is very difficult and most people who haven't gone through it themselves do not understand, one reason it is so wonderful to come here and know you are not alone. It does get better but you have to grieve your loss and deal with your scare.. it takes time and probably never really goes away cause you are different and changed from this. But you will be all right! Share and vent all you want!
I cannot do crowds either - some if it is MS as with some of the rest of you hearing more than one thing at a time is just static and causes anxiety. I hate that now there seem to be crowds everywhere. I remember going wonderful places with my Mom when special events came to town. Well now I can't beging to think of taking my kids as I know there will be mobs of people, and people being rude and trying to keep up with my kids would makes me just totally freaked and exhausted and that is probably just getting out of the parking lot! Just too many people!
Barb- cute, cute, CUTE grandson!!! What a fabulous picture. Happiest little face. I know you are so in love with him!
As for houses... I love and adore my home but it is killing me. It is huge and when I bought it I was married and we were going to use the money from the old house to pay for this one. Well divorce happened and selling the other house didn't so.... I have pretty much everything sunk into this house so if I sell now I'll lose tons but at the same time the upkeep and regular bills are so high plus the anxiety not sure if it is worth is.. but then even thinking of moving makes me ill. Ugh.
I know I've been very depressed since my surgery, then flooding my house, and finally losing my beloved little dog. It has been so hard. I recently have been told by two good friends that when I've talked I am very negative. I was just horrified by that. I had no idea I was doing that and with kids that really woke me up. I do not want my kids to see me that way. I do not do well on anti-depressants so I've been really trying to think about being more positive and listening to what I say and correcting myself if it somes out negative. Not sure how well this will work, but I'm trying....
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Hi everyone! I'm back from my weekend and completely worn out. I've realized what a hermit I've become! I was so glad to get home. So many posts I want to comment on! barbe- LOVED the picture of Zach! What an angel! I can't wait to be a grandma someday! joyceva- I'm sure you must be having a bittersweet day with your DS going off to college today. I'm not looking forward to that with mine. bbfair- Just wanted to say welcome to you, too. You are definitely not alone in your feelings. Come here and share anytime. Lindsey- Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you today and hoping all went well. I hope this surgery gives you a lot of relief. You are now one step closer to what I hope will be your last surgery ever in Novemeber! (((gentle hugs)))
I've loved hearing the descriptions of everyone's houses. It makes it easier to picture all of you in your lives. So many different places and styles! We live just outside the city limits on 2 acres in the desert. We have a 3700 sq ft. Spanish Colonial that we designed and built ourselves 14 years ago. It has been a work in progress but so much fun. No ocean views but some city views and beautiful desert sunsets. I'll try to find a picture!
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Stanzie- I've often wondered if lately I've been coming across very negative, too. I know a lot of times people sometimes think I'm unhappy when really I'm just in pain. There's a big difference. I don't think you are negative at all. I think you are juggling a whole lot of stuff right now like we all are. It's hard to be Suzy Sunshine when there are things weighing on you. It seems to me those aren't really friends if they don't understand that and allow you to unload some of those things from time to time. I think most people just can't deal with anything heavy ever. We've become a generation of small talkers which I can't stand. How are you supposed to truly know each other if you can't open up when you're sad, mad, scared or worried?
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Kate: Well said! Part of the reason I don't go out anymore is I just hate small talk. Never been good at it and now it just seems so much more pointless! Your house is huge! Of course, we are already planning how we are going to make it grander, lol. It is just the two of us and I am just excited that I will now have a gym, a laundry room my own office, my DH will have his own office, we will have a library and a family room, too. Heck, with all the land we could build an extra house in the back! Baby steps.
Stanzie: I agree with Kate: You have so much on your plate and if you can't complain to your friends then what-you just smile and say, oh everythings just peachy??? I don't know-I just think it takes time to process all of this BC crap and that takes time. Sometimes it also takes counseling and antidepressants, too. But it definetly takes good friendships like on here! Hugs!
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Stanzie - I find I can control my "dark thoughts" with most others as long as I have at least 1 friend / relative I can really unload on - I talked to them ahead of time asking if they could handle it with the understanding that all I need is an ear. That makes it possible for me to say the usually "I'm doing Fine" to the retorical "How are you doing?" question. I sometimes look the person straight in the eye to see if they can really handle the truth - usually I feel they can't....
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Mostlymom I agree with you...as long as I have you ladies here and one live friend to bitch to im good. I really try to put on a happy face but if I get down when I am out with friends I just need to remove myself for a few minutes. I discovered after 6 surgeries and chemo and tamoxifen...friends think they wanna be there for you but they don't. I can't fault them its exhausting.
Stanzie you have been through a lot ...give yourself a break.
Lindsey I hope you are resting comfortably and are happy with the outcome.
My stupid internet is down and im going blind trying to type on my droid.0 -
Lindsey: Hope you are healing up quickly! Rest up and come back and let us know how you are doing. Gentle hugs.
DiDel: Yeah, I guess it is a bit exhausting but it shouldn't be. I mean really, we are the ones who lost our hair, had several surgeries, and are trying to get our mojo back. I have to admit though, I just don't talk about it-at least not out in public.
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I found some pictures of my home to share-
Front Yard
Back Yard
Regarding opening up to friends, I just stopped doing it all together. I talk to my Mom and sister mostly. With friends I finally realized that we just don't have that kind of relationship. I guess it takes something like BC to make you reassess the relationships in your life. Mine aren't nearly as deep as I thought they were. It really makes me sad. The funny thing is it wasn't until I compared my friendships and openness with all of you that I realized my "real life" friendships were sorely lacking. They're great for the occasional cocktail party or BBQ but not so much for that person you can call at 2:00 a.m. just because you need to talk to someone. I miss that.....
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hi guys..{{{{{lindsay}}}} hopeyour out and ok by now.. and MBJ: Kentucky is wonderful.. i've alsways wanted to live there, or Tenn. i can;t tka e the clod, so i deal with the heat here... ilove the Cape Cod, i grew up in 2 house exactly like that in Mas.. one W?As in cape cod. my grndpa built it all himself...
i know what you mean with crowds, gals. even bf the hypo. now, its; MUCH worse... we call it tms too much stimulation here.. i will drop for HOURS after a little shopping. its pathetic. takes alot to get used to.
Stanzie : gal, you gotta take it easy, and not worry too much. life was hard with MS before all the treatments. now, its beyond. i totally understand. the hypo has really made me " fuzzy" thinking. and, more than a little depressed. i try not to be negative, but you just can't help some days, or go crazy INSIDE..... hang in there, gals... glad to have this thread to come to. i then know i'm really "not alone!".............3jays
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Kate - may I please take up residence in your pool???? What a lovely house. Thanks for sharing your pics.
Martha
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Kate - what a lovely house and the pool looks so inviting
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Kate,I'm with Martha--can we just pitch a tent by your pool? I'll even try to bring our own cabana boy!!
Stanzie, you are echoing how I feel. But I am on anti-d's, which some days just don't cut it. Yesterday was one of them, my boss was particularly bossy yesterday, and I just slipped into a dreadful funk. Had several people ask me what was wrong--guess I don't hide it well. I have tried so hard to put on that happy face---but some days it just doesn't work. Some days I just don't want to be anywhere but curled up on my chair with my blanket and zoning out. Yesterday was surely one of those days. I came home all raging from my own pity party--knowing my DS was at band practice and it would be just my DH and me for dinner. Grilled tuna, shrimp and fresh veggies--and a huge glass of wine. Just beginning to feel human when the phone rings--I was half hour late for Bunco!!! What an idiot--it was on my calendar, my good friend(last night's hostess) had called over the w/e to remind me. Just such a crappy day that I TOTALLY forgot about something that does bring me some joy. Sigh.
Lindsey, thinking of you today. Hope you are the dancing queen!!
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Your home is just like I pictured Kate!!! Glad you didn't disappoint me.
Claire, what's Bunco? I'm too lazy to Google today.
Hey, stimulus??? I've had to be in a WHEELCHAIR in Walmart!!!! People hover around a wheelchair. I HATE it!!! Sometimes I can walk, sometimes I need the electric scooter they offer. But when I'm really bad I'm at home. As I start to walk across the parking lot from my handicapped spot, I decide what means of transport I may need when we get inside. My DH knows to move pretty quick when I say wheels. He knows it's kind of humiliating.
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Martha, Char, Claire and barbe- Thanks and BTW, my DH said he'll be our cabana boy. LOL!
Must be something in the air as I've been back in my own funk. Woke up in one of those high pain, low energy, fibro days. I've been putting off scheduling the PT, even though I know it will make me feel better, because I get so mad that here is one more thing I have to do. Sometimes it can feel like a full time job just dealing with all the things in my body that don't work right. (barbe, I'm sure you can relate and then some!) Sometimes I think I would sell my soul for just one day with no pain, no fatigue, no depression. I realize that I don't hide it very well either. It sometimes make me mad that people are assuming I'm this unhappy bitchy person when really I'm exhausted and in pain. ( I did start doing this trick I learned, though. If you press your tongue against the roof of your mouth right behind your teeth (with your mouth closed) it makes the corners of your mouth go up. It's almost impossible to frown, no matter how much pain you're in, when you do this. It can even look like you're smiling a little bit. So this is my "party face"- lol!)
barbe- If you have to get a wheelchair at WalMart I say you should work it! Slap on a horn, a few streamers- it's WalMart! You can get away with anything there and I swear people don't bat an eye. Not sure if your WalMarts are the same as ours but they call some of the shoppers WalMartians. I love to people watch there. I once saw a photo of a woman there in one of those electric wheelchairs dragging her grandchild face down behind her! Not sure if it was a ride or a punishment.
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I have my own walker with a seat, bought used for $40 (retails for $250). I put glitter smiley faces all over it!!! Used to have it in the trunk but took it out last fall when we were moving. I must get it back in the trunk. At least I can sit down in the aisles while I wait for DH. Mine has a basket too! Woo hoo!!
The guys just got here to to the carpet today. Lamiate last week put me whimpering in the basement family room, so I finally took some Lorazepam. The noise of the banging just put me over the edge. I'm going to take some now before I get too stressed. The poor cat doesn't know where to go!! I made her a 'cave' with some sofa cushions...I wish I fit in it!
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Stanzie- I just saw this quote and thought of you-
"A friend will dance with you in the sunlight and walk with you in the shadows."
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That's a nice one Kate, I just saw this on my FB:
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."
Stephen Covey0 -
barbe- Oh, I like that!
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Oh I like both of them. Thanks so much ALL of you!!! I can NOT begin to tell you how much all your words mean to me. I think sometimes I just must be an awful person and then I hear from you all and think Ok, I can do better and it isn't just me! So thank you all so much!
I so so totally agree! I absolutly detest small talk and have never been good at it so much so I think it shows on my face how awful I am at it. I just have no patience with it. Besides I'm just not that outgoing - I'm quite shy and uncomfortable in a room full of strangers or aquaintences. I recently went to a school function and found they had a 1/2 of mingling ahead of time. ACK! I could only find one of two people I actually knew and they were deep in conversation with others who I didn't know. I stood by myself feeling like a fool and just wanting it to be over. Finally did talk to two people who seemed anxious to go talk to others they actually knew.... Just no good that those things and dread them.
Kate - also agree with Barb - your house is EXACTLY how I pictured it! It is very beautiful and so inviting! My cousin and his Dad both live in Phoenix and they have lovely homes but not at all the same feeling being in town if that makes sense. I like yours much better but don't tell them that.
Oh Barb, I understand what you mean about using the wheelchairs but really could Walmart's actually be as big as they are? Those crazy stores are so tremendous! It's a wonder anyone gets around in those stores without having to rest a while! I try and avoid them for that very reason - it makes me tired just to think about going in.
However I remember once reading about someone in a wheelchair saying they felt invisible as people tended not to look them in the eye or talk through their caregiver like they weren't there. Ever since I really try and connect with people in wheelchairs whether they are in temporarily for the grocery store or permanently.Anyway, on Wednesdays, here is senior day and I love being able to help some of them who can't reach items or are having trouble readinging ingredients and such. As many times we can have an actual conversation - this I enjoy as opposed to social small talk. This is real and even though it is senior day, I guess cause people know there will be others in the same situation, I notice that many people with disabilites come this day as well. Does anyone else have this in their part of the country?
Barb - it will all be worth it when it is done and beautiful! Can't go back a page to remember what else I was going to say.
Oh, one thing, I remember before menopause - I would get this awful forboding feeling of doom and realize I was about to get my period and then it would all be fine. Well now I get this a lot more often and there isn't any reprive or hormal fix to look forward to. Does anyone else get this. And by the way - how long do these horrible hot flashes last?? Ugh, really tired of them... And one other weird thing I noticed. I was told that tingling in my new breasts were a good thing that nerves were re-growing and perhaps I'd get some feeling back ( not that I believe that anymore) Well last night I noticed every time I turned over I get that so now thinking it is the muscle pulling on a nerve that is doing it not something growing... and that is bothersome and not a happy feeling... hmm wondering if I need that checked out. OK, better run. sorry for so long a post
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Kate: I just love Spanish style homes! We had that style a couple of homes ago when we first got married but it was much smaller and we outgrew it. The pool is awesome! I imagine you can only use this before summer because it gets so hot? Really beautiful.
Great sayings both of you!
Hope you are healing up Lindsey!!!
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Stanzie- That's funny what you said about the "feeling of doom". I never noticed it before my periods but definitely feel it now. I never thought about the hormone connection. I'll be fine one minute and the next I'm crying for no reason and down in the dumps. I feel a bit like Sybil sometimes. Not sure how long the hot flashes go for. My sister's been having them for 10+ years. (Sorry, not too reassuring I know!) I've been lucky there but maybe it just hasn't hit yet.
MBJ- We pretty much use the pool from May-October. (I love it like bath water!) Since we're out in the desert it gets pretty cool at night in the winter and way too cold to swim if you can believe that. But it's nice to look at the rest of the year. I'm so jealous that you will get to have seasons in your new home. I definitely miss that. (I grew up in Michigan.) Sometimes I think we've deprived our poor DS by living here in AZ! LOL!
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Well, Kate that just sounds like you all need to come visit! We have seasons here!!!! So come on down! I too like my pool the temp of bathwater - not a problem in the summer it heats up just fine on its own it is that begining season and end season. I think I've used mine as early as late April and thru Sept- mid Oct. Love Love Love having a pool just not the huge expense!
What part of Michigan?
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Kate: My parents were from Michigan but I haven't been since I was 11. I will get the seasons but not as extreme as Michigan. It's pretty moderate there except it snows in the winter and it does get slightly hotter there then Los Angeles in the summer. Oh yeah, it rains a lot but that's why it's so green.
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Stanzie- I grew up in Wyoming, Michigan which is just outside Grand Rapids. It was such a great place to be a kid. Newsweek recently had Grand Rapids on their top 10 "Dying Cities" list which got the whole place up in arms. They did the coolest YouTube video in response that was filmed in downtown Grand Rapids. Here's a link if anyone is interested-
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wow, great video- and pretty city!!! Thanks for sharing
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Morning ladies! stayed away cause the last couple of days have been real rough. My hormones are roller coasting. Right now the ride seems to be stuck on the bottom of the curve and can't seem to get power to go up the hill. Crying in the car, crying in the shower. Even one of my young male co-workers who is oblivious to life asked me if I was OK. I try real hard not to show my sadness at work but this week has been hard. Everyone at work is stressed, its not just me, so the atmosphere is not helpful. i have to meet with my boss today on my improvement plan---dreading it. She has reprimanded me on several things the last few days. Whatever my choices are, she makes them be wrong. My DH and I had a long conversation last night about how I need to stand up to her and not take her bullying. Easier said than done. I think the hard part for me is knowing that my memory, my ability to handle stress are shot. I get overwhelmed so easy. And then everything is a jumble in my head. I KNOW that all this is a result of a year of BC TX, and now Tamox, but I really don't know how I can keep living like this. Oh, I do have good days, but these low days are unbearable. It's beyond blue--its midnight in my world.
Now, usually I delete this kind of stuff cause it really does sound like a pity party. Like I am embarassed to be so depressed. Oh thats the guilt talking. . . what a mess.
somedays I think my anti-d's are just sugar pills. . .
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