Great saying about depression
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Thanks Kate! We are hoping to have a white Christmas. When we came for Thanksgiving last year, it snowed the day after we left.
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MBJ - I am glad to hear you are having a fresh start. I was following the BC blog of a woman and she moved during it - I do think it helped put some things behind. In a way it is bound to be a wonderful distration, although I am sorry that things are not ending in LA on a positive note. I've never heard of adrenal exhaustion. Thanks for the info.
Found I may be actually tired........ After an all day soccer tournament with my son yesterday, slept 14 hours last night!!
BTW - I am only taking the Effexor for menopausal symptoms - hot flashes, sweats, etc. Anyone with any experience with this? Not sure if it is effective or not...........
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thanks for all the good wishes, ladies.. one of the se's of taking the thyroid stuff, is I can't take the only anti d that works on me, wout making me sick.. now, the depression is getting pretty bad..
sorry, Barbe, BEEN there, done that.. 3 to be exact. the answer is always the same.. there's nothing they can do. any meds for MS will open the door to bc again, bc it will LESSEN the immune system.. as usual; im between the rock n hard place; where, BTW; anyone who's survived MS always ends up.. it really is a wicked disease!!
so, i guess i've no found one more thing to just "endure".. todays kinda a black day for me. hoping days will get easier.......3jays
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3jays, how friggin' depressing!!! I'd be pretty black too. I went years without my FM diagnosis and thought I was going out of my mind. Knowing the beast you face does make it easier. I have started taking Kelp as a supplement. It gets me my iodine and seems to be helping with exhaustion issues. My pain meds tire me out so much it's hard to get anything done sometiems. I'm here with you, sweetie.
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MBJ, a difficult move will sever the ties stronger. Use it as a good thing. Consider it a breaking away, piece by piece and a rebuild in Kentucky. A NEW MBJ!!
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MBJ--Sorry you are leaving CA with sad thoughts--but what an adventure!!!! A new beginning, a new home, right before the holidays too!!! I hope it all goes smoothly for you and you find your new home as a new oasis. New beginning--toss away the old nasty friends and start anew! And of course, we will always be here!!
3jays, I am so sad that you are having such a rough time. I wish I could do more than send you a big hug.. . Wish I could ease your pain. . .
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(((3jays))): I can't imagine what you must be going through! What about natural thyroid medicine or am I being redundant? Hugs and hoping you have a brighter day.
Los Angeles is all about the hustle, the game, the me, me, me. It's a town of narcissists and people who feel entitled. I won't miss most of the people who are all trying to be someone else.
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3jays: You have helped so many people here and I thank you for that with all my heart. I wish I could do more for you, but I am keeping you in my heart.
MBJ: Safe travels and may your new life be blessed in every way.
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3jays so sorry you are having to cope with all of this. MS can be so difficult to navigate. I have two friends with MS both at different stages. The black days can be so hard to get through. Those are the days you "put one foot in front of the other" and when you get through consider yourself successful. I am thinking of you.
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thank you ladies soo much.. im embarresed that its' always so black from my side of the street... life is just hard, sometimes.. im looking for the silver lining, though. i knew i'd get here someday; and yes, Barbe, it DOES help to know the Beast you have to fight...
for now, life goes round, albeit MUCH more slowly..
Barbe; if you can tolerate iodine ( i can't big surprise) the kelp will help.. something called "spirlina" was recommended to me. unfortunately, it speeds the immune system, so a no go for me. it might help you, though.. and it helps you not eat..blows up in your stomach and makes you feel full..cheap, and safe...good luck, dear lady.....
all hugs gratefully accepted, and at all times hahaha....3jays
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Just had a chance to catch with all of the posts.
3Jays: this is the best place to post when your side of the street is black. I think we all "get" it, so it never gets old and the support keeps coming. When you said the doc said "I can't help you," I about came out of my seat. After waiting 3 mos to see him! I am so sorry. We never know what others go through, so I am glad I can learn from you what MS is and does on this site.
Molly: Because of my blood clot issue I couldn't take Tamoxifan and when I hit meno, my oncologist put me on Effexor. It did brighten my mood, and seemed to take the edge off my anxiety. It really did help with hot flashes! BUT, last year I started getting hives and angio edema (facial swelling). Five trips to the ER and we tried every drug even one for Maleria to stop the hives. I mean they were from head to toe. Found a website on hives and many women were on Effexor. Sounds like it is a .0001 chance of this happening, but after going off the Effexor hives cleared up in about three months. I was on it at least three years with no other issues. So I don't know why out of the blue that happened. But now back to the hot flashes. It was nice to sail past this part while it lasted!
My swelling is down and I see the PS tomorrow. Hope he will send me to physical therapy. It is very interesting with these new TEs. I find after typing for awhile or holding the phone, or watering the yard, the pec muscle on the left side is soooo sore. Since these TEs are short it is so different than the last set. Much tighter and harder. A friend asked if she could poke me and I said not with your finger but you can cup your hand. The look on her face was priceless. She didn't believe we live with these things for months before we get the squishies.
So what is the pec muscle like for the rest of you? Does it get sore if you do things? Can you do push-ups or the like once squishes are in or is that type of exercise and strength a thing of the past? I don't know what I can expect my chest to feel like for the rest of my life.
Since Debbie in Australia hasn't posted, I just want you to know after her surgery last week she was in the hospital three nights not one. She is home now and I am sure will post soon. I am a little jealous because her dog Jaki immediately curled up with her, where my Rosie took one sniff and backed away for the first day I was home. :-(
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Lindsey - I do think the Effexor helps with the hot flashes during the day. I get them pretty badly at night though. Your friend reminded me of a recent experience. I am still good friends with my ex-husband and had him poke at my TE. He appeared stricken and tears came to his eyes! It was nice to get a little validation for a moment and he was very pleased to know this was a temporary step and not forever! I wonder too about my pec muscle. Whenever I lift something heavy, over use it, etc., I do pay by having muscle spasms and sometimes pain. I wonder if that will continue?? or will it be different later, after exchange? I'm wondering about limitations, just to avoid the pain.......in the long run.
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hey ladies, Lindsey, thanks for the validation.. im feeling better today, thanks. got to see my GKids, and that always helps, too.. GS (4) wanted to know how i "got crippled " while he was at Mickey mouses' house.. he hasn't seen me in a month.. i guress iDO look a little more feeble than i did.grrrrr
can't tell you about tes' didnt get any recon.. i CAN tell you I PAY if i overdue, but there's ladies on this site that weight lift.. i wouldn't recommend any of it, till your done, though......3jays
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Lindsey and Molly- I've had ongoing pain since exchange so have done lots of research regarding pec muscles and TE/implants. The majority of women don't have any issues after exchange but some (like me) have problems with stiffness and pain. Our pecs are kind of "relocated" for lack of a better word to support the TE and implants. From what I've read they are constantly trying to revert back to their original position and this can cause discomfort in some. Some studies recommend regular PT and/or stretching exercises to keep the muscle loose. I've also read some that say you should not actually work the pecs (as in exercises that build up the muscle) as you can cause the implant to shift out of position. There seems to be a mixed opinion about this, though. Some PS's say no push ups or any other exercise that actually works out the pecs. Others say there's no harm. (Like most things BC there doesn't seem to be a consensus.) I would definitely recommend regular stretching, though, once you've healed from exchange.
3jays- I know how dark things can seem when you are dealing with chronic pain, depression and having other health issues piled on top, too. We're all here for you anytime you need a sympathetic ear!
Debbie- So sorry you had to stay in the hospital so long! Glad you're back home and hope feeling better! ((((gentle hugs))))
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Hello Everyone!
I'm out of hospital (thank you Lindsey for letting all know I survived) and home. My overnight turned into three as the one drain the PS put in just kept putting out over 100cc a day and it was 200cc the first day. My PS is very particular and won't let anyone go home with drains. I was bored out of my head staying in there so long but tired so slept a lot. Got home Friday afternoon as had to wait for DS to finish at uni and drive into the city 1 1/2 hours to pick me up - my 6' 2" angel. Haven't had any energy and quite a bit of pain. The lack of energy really shocked me and today with the one week since surgery follow-up visit was told I am now very anemic. Well heck, no wonder with the loss of so much blood after the surgery! So now tomorrow I go to see my GP to see about some iron tablets and I guess I will have to eat red meat more than once a week for a while.
Yes, upon coming home my girl-Jaki was crying and I was sure to get down to her level so she wouldn't jump on me. She was just too excited to behave and I didn't need 60 pounds of dog on my sore breast/chest. Since I've been so tired and just laying around she is happy to just be by my side. Such a good girl.
I'll read up on your posts and be back!
Thank you all for thinking of me - it really means a lot!
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Kate, my PS specifically told me no chest exercises, including weight-bearing on the arms, for a three months after the TE exchange. So just last week I was finally cleared to return to yoga and all my other activities. I'm still in PT though, and wake up stiff and sore everyday. While the actual weight-bearing stuff (like hands and knees, and even downward dog) don't bother me, something as simple as a kitchen counter pushup creates a very strange sensation in my chest. During my initial recovery, whenever I'd have that "muscle engagement" sensation, I knew I was doing something wrong (like when I'd press on a hand soap pump!), but now that all my restrictions are lifted, I suppose it's ok to be feeling that weird sensation. I wonder if that's going to be my "new normal". Not horrible, just weird.
Welcome home, justagirl!
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Debbie--I am so glad you home safe and sound. Glad your DS came home to visit--I know that makes you feel so much better!! Happy healing!!! I wish I had that kind of relationship with my oldest DS. He's very uncomfortable with the whole BC moment. Don't know how he missed the empathy gene. I think he inherited that from his dad. Love my DH but not the most understanding in the world. Before BC, his favorite phrase was suck it up. Thankfully, he has dropped that line with me in the last year. I think that kills him too!! Not that he hasn't been there for me---he's been wonderful, he is just one of those guys that just can only take so much and then he shuts it out. Oh well.
Listening to all your surgery woes, makes me anxious. My MO won't let me start recon for another 6 months. I'm not happy with myself flat, but I am seriously beginning to doubt if I can handle the recon process. I am such a wuss. but I still cry when I look at my old clothes. wahh.
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Claire, surprise yourself and try on some of your old clothes flat! I didn't get rid of any clothing except bras before I had my masts so that I could decide if any of my nice stuff looked okay. They did!!! I looked surprisingly put together without gaping buttons and a breast shelf. Some of my more shapely sweaters I had to let go only because the vee neck cut too low and fabric puddled where once my boobs flourished. Most things with darts will puddle, so you have to watch that, but I maintained at least 96% of my original wardrobe!!!!
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Barbe--about half my clothes are wearable, its just the cute and stylish stuff is not very flattering for the INDENT in my chest. I am just not used to that. I'm pretty good at camoflaging my chest--I just don't want to draw attention to it. Yesterday my DH and I went to the mall, we stood on the 2nd story people watching from up above.I explained to my DH how I look at other women different. Searching for the flat chested woman to compare what she is wearing--how does it look and can I get away with it. Even looking for the one in million woman who is post mastectomy. Pointed out to my DH all the endowed women and told him "can't wear that, nope can't wear that one either" I guess its the one thing with this BC I have not been able to get past. Just a mental block I guess.
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Claire- Have you looked into fat grafting at all for a recon choice? It's so much easier than doing the TE/implant or flap route. No new incisions, no alterations to the pec muscles, no additional trauma to the body (other than the temporary bruising from the lipo) and nothing artificial being put into your body. If I had it to do all over again I would have gone with just the fat grafting and not done the TE/implants. Just something to think about.
Well, I'm off this morning to my spinal and chest MRI. I had my brain MRI and EEG last week. I'm torn between hoping they don't find anything wrong and finally putting a name to what I know IS wrong and maybe fixing it. I always wonder- am I fatigued and in chronic pain because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm fatigued and in chronic pain?
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Good luck Kate.
I think the whole clothes thing is very difficult. Women who have not been through this take for granted, they will walk in to buy bras, shirts or dresses and not have any real major issues. We on the other hand often especially at first before we are finished or for those who can't or chose not to be reconstructed will deal with this forever. One of the things people don't think about. I remember being yelled at by a supposed friend when I told I got teary the first time I went by a lingerie dept. I at that point had a bilateral mx and two additional surgeries in three weeks, a picc line infusing 2 antibiotics for 14 hours a day and an incision that broke open!
We get through it because we don't give up even on the hardest days. We get through it because there are people like on this site that care and support.
I have also heard not to do stuff like push ups. I often feel like there are cookie cutters pushing down on my chest. A tightness.
It would be nice if there was consensus so we knew what is truly the right thing to do.
take care ladies
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I can't do lingerie departments or Victoria's Secret anymore, so I don't even push my luck by trying. But seriously Claire, I wear some flat stretchy tops that have a busy print. From head on you can't tell I'm flat, from the side it's obvious. But my arms are at my side so who really sees it? I even wear stretchy tanks now that are SO obvious but I've reached the point I just don't care. Sometimes I see when the 'penny drops' for someone. Good, another lady all the wiser!
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I'm having a little pity party, ladies, and you're all invited! I had my MRI's today which is hard in itself. Something about being laying in a coffin shape device, with a cage over your face, stuffed in a tube and not being able to escape does a number on me. It's not claustrophobia- more of a loss of control. Anyway, half way through they have to pull you out to start an i.v. for the dye so they can MRI with contrast. I had told the tech I needed the i.v. in the leg as a precaution. Well, 2 techs and 4 attempts at an i.v. later I was in tears. They basically said they couldn't get an i.v. going so my choice was the scrap the test or use my arm so I told them to use my arm (which I'm still pissed about but I just wanted it over). On my way out I told them next time to please give me someone who knew what the hell they were doing. I cried all the way home and am now having a full on pity party. Who wants to join me?
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Kate, I'll join you! I'm sitting here crying myself. My daughter just took 45 minutes of my life on the phone and ripped me apart!! Told me to get a positive life and she was sick about having to worry about me dying??? Said I liked pity!! (NOT!!) I was crying the whole time and she just kept digging and digging at me!! I finally caught my breath and at a real nasty part I said "bitch". She hung up. Now I can't stop crying...I know I'm the adult, but where the hell did THAT come from??? We never fight, really. We don't agree on everything but we've always been civil at least. She's 28 and said she had to take too much responsibility worrying about me dying her whole life and she was tired of it. Oh, poor her!
She told me to thank god I had Paul. I told her to stay out of the relationship I had with my husband (not her father) that I DID appreciate Paul. She said he's a saint. I asked what does that make me? We've been together 18 1/2 years! A nice solid relationship for kids growing up now-adays wouldn't you say?
I just can't reach out right now. I have nothing left to offer her. I just feel so dead inside. I told her I was sorry I had shared my health issues with her, but my Mom is dead, and I didn't realize she hated hearing it. Boy, I feel like an idiot! I guess I treated her more as a friend than a daughter, but it worked for a while....
So yah, Kate, I'll join the pity-party.
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barbe- I'm sorry! Relationships with our moms and our daughters are the most complicated ones there are. I don't think you were trying to treat her as a friend. You were just trying to make her understand what you are dealing with. I think the problem is we expect our kids to be as mature as we were at that age and, for some reason, they just aren't. My 27 year old stepdaughter acts like a 14 year old- thinking the whole world centers around her. But I think it's an epidemic with her generation. They don't want to think of their parents as actual people with feelings, emotions, fears, etc. We're supposed to just be there for THEM. Hopefully, when things settle down you two can have a long heart to heart. Until then, pass the party favors and wine.....
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Yah but as the adult, aren't I supposed to 'make the first move'? I don't want to get ripped apart again! We've never been this bad and it's just killing me. Here I am off work trying to get better and I feel like she's knocked me back 20 years!!!
When do you get your results?
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barbe- Maybe send her a letter and try to smooth things over? I find I communicate so much better in writing than I do in person. I have my follow up with the neurologist a week from today. Hopefully, he'll have some answers.
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gosh And I thought my pity party earlier was pathetic. Now I feel guilty cuz mine truly was a feel sorry for poor pitiful me party. Barbe, you have every reason to cry, scream and throw things. I agree, too, write out the things that really hurt you. And put that aside. Wait a day or two and then show her your thoughts. Or maybe you won't feel that way the next day. Also know that she is an adult now too. Maybe she needs to start thinking of how her actions effect others.
Kate i hope you get your the results that you can live with. Best to you next week.
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Claire- Pathetic? No! You inspired me to throw my own! LOL!
Determined- Somehow I missed your earlier post. Sorry about your friend (if you can call her that). I have a few (ex) friends myself that could have benefited from some sensitivity training as I was dealing with stuff. Sometimes I think today's society is absolutely incapable of walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Just wish I could bundle all you girls up and plop you down in my own hometown! (((hugs))))
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Someone had this on Facebook. I thought it was kind of cool.
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