Great saying about depression
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Lindsey, i know i have aproblem with the "ebb and flow" of life, i lije things right where they're suppossed to be (where i say) a form of trying to control the things i cannot.. sounds like a good book...
Barbe: i had a feeling when the radio looked at it, you'd be back in! Im so sorry they're dinks, and you hafya go back.. but, your right, they HAVE to find out what the lumps are.. my prayers are with you, my lovely... life can be just SOOO (everything frustrating ) sometimes. esp when THEY DONT LISTEN!!!3jays
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Linsdey, I actually like the way you put it better than the quote!! The ebb and flow is so much easier to deal with than deeper thinking. There is also a saying: Whether good or bad, it will change.
I made up that quote about the fork and the road. It just hit me one night (I'll probably find out someone said it in the 1300's or something!). I realized I was immobilized. I was the fork. I had frozen any forward progression.
Okay, I'm even scared to type this and I haven't even discussed it with my DH BUT I THINK, think I'm feeling better in my pain level!!! It could be the weather; it could be my FM flare is finally ending (from the stress of STD) or it could be the Mindfulness Meditation Course I've been taking for the past 6 weeks!! I don't know what it is but I'm not in as much pain. Shhh, don't let my body know that I know!!!
BUT, on the other hand, I have new symptoms of dizziness when I am standing. I wonder if it's the swollen nodes in my next pressing on my aorta. That's why the sample last time wasn't great remember, the radiologist was worried about hitting the aorta. I get a feeling like someone is trying to push me down. VERY weird. I think I'll stay off ladders! But at least with the lower level of pain I can handle this new issue.
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Barbe ... I think staying off of ladders is an excellent idea. I suffer dizziness too. I am supposed to get surgery to clean out the plaque soon. I am glad (whisper, whisper) the pain is easing up ... shhhhhhhhh.
My PCP is afraid I am bleeding somewhere in my body which is why I am anemic - why didn't they check that out in the hospital?
3Jays ... I know what you mean about the holidays. There's nothing like a family holiday when you family is missing.
Lindsey ... its been two years since my surgery. The reconstruction failed and I have been afraid to try again. If there is a complication, I will have it!
I wish I could take away all the pain. Love you.,
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Noooooo! I just lost my post! Ugh. Can't take the time again right now but quickly Barbe I think you came up with a great quote. I think your pain is "flowing" out to sea. It will ebb again, but for now let it go. Kathleen, it would be so hard for recon to fail. This is not a place where I can ebb! 3Jays insert my need for control right here! :-). Kathleen, I hope you can see someone Else and start again. Diane got a great laugh from my nephew about yr puppy and Taco.
We see the PS in the morning, so hopefully we can understand the swelling and anticipated shape underneath it all. 6/2004 DCIS dx. 7/2004 Lumpectomy, no rad, no chemo, no tamoxifen. 2009 Negative biopsy. 1/2011 Radial scar biopsy and lumpectomy. 4/2011 MRI 3 more radial scars. 6/27/11 BMX NSM with TE's. 9/6/11 TE Revisional surgery. 11/16/11 exchange surgery.0 -
Hi, I'm new to these boards but am glad I found them. I am so depressed I can hardly stand it. I just moved back to Canada after 20 years in the U.S., and am due for my regular Breast Cancer 6-month check-up and can't get IN anywhere in this crazy country. (stage 2, Grade 3, 1 positive lymph node, just finished with 10 years of tamoxifen for 5 years followed by 5 yrs of aromasin).
As for my depression,which is a long-standing issue, chronic severe depression, I got a referral to a mood disorder clinic but no appointment yet, and they told me over the phone that I may not get in for 4 to 6 months. Half a year!
So I called some kind of mental health helpline and they told me that the outpatient clinic at a nearby hospital has openings for appointments in December! That would be a Godsend to me, but I can't get a referral because I no longer have a general practitioner and they have to provide the referral to see a psychiatrist. I am on a waiting list for a general practitioner. I find the healthcare system in Canada bizarre: I can't get access to care! .
This hospital is within walking distance. I may just go over tomorrow and beg them for an appointment. Surely surely I do not have to wait half a year to see a psychiatrist who could help me with medication since I think my current medication is definitely not working anymore.
I feel so trapped and desperate. I know absolutely no one where I have moved. I had to move from the U.S. because I couldn't find (or keep) a job over the last few years, and my father lives in Canada--my options were running out. No sooner did I get here than he took off to Florida for the next 6 months.
So, no doctor, no support, missing the condo and car I had to sell, miserable as anything, just sleeping all day and getting up when it is already dark.
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ellemint, welcome. I am sorry you are having so many roadblocks put in your way when you are trying to be proactive with your health care!!! Barbe is from Canada I think. Maybe she can give you some pointers. Can you see if the hospital near you has a support group?
Lindsey I hope you will be really happy with your exchange. I think it is hard to be patient and wait for the changes as they settle etc. This is what someone said to me and I love it. We should never feel bad about where we are at in the stages of grieving. And we need to remember I think that it is fluid. Sometimes there is sadness sometims anger sometimes peace. "Nobody elses understanding of your story changes the fact that it is true" Where we are at is true and no one needs to give us permission to feel how we feel. We need to give ourselves permission and know it is ok. That we won't stay here forever. But it will be here for now maybe a minute maybe an hour maybe a day or even longer. But what we have been through is truly a trauma event and events. I can't wait to hear how Tuesday goes.
Kate33 awesome on the house. I guess as things ebb and flow we need to be mindful in the business of BC to see it clearly. Hard to do with so much on our minds and tasky doctor appts.
Barbe I am thinking you might want to tell someone about the dizziness if you haven't. It certainly could be related to pressure on the artery.
Diane can't wait to hear what you think of your surgery. I think I am more nervous about the nipple recon than almost the other recons. My PS says when I ask him to stitch to the side to move the implant a bit to the center to fill out the upper medial area that it will just slide back as gravity takes over. I think he may finally agree to fat injections. It just needs it from 12 o'clock to 9 o'clock area. Your puppy sounds so so cute!!!
MBJ I wonder if you went to a PT clinic if you could get a free eval. A friend of mine is an OT and she was recommending that to me due to ankle pain. She said it is often free and they will let you know if they think you need further PT. Then they can make the referral? I hope you get relief soon!
Claire what a relief you are done at that place!!! It is always good to be able to have what you are thinking validated by others. It must have been good for your spirit to hear the others are feeling the same way and so glad it was communicated forward.
Anybody used Rosetta Stone to learn a new language? I want to learn a language to better help women in our area that are facing BC.
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Ellemint...welcome and so sorry for all you are having to endure. I cant imagine having to move away from my medical team and having no support system there. Well you have it here!! We are all here for ya anytime you need. I have a friend who lost her job, lost her house and now her car is hanging on by a thread, her son had to move back with his father and her daughter got an apt with her BF. AND she just caught her bf not only cheating on her but LIVING wtih someone else. Sometimes I dont know how people do it but she said she feels like things can only go up from here...so I hope for you things start looking up! There are lots of Canadian threads perhaps one of those ladies live nearby and can be your support system in your dads abscense. I reached out to some women here and they have been great to have dinner with every now and again and it really helps to be able to sit down with someone who understands everything you've been through....and drink wine
Lindsay I hope you appt with your PS went well today and that you are happy with the results! I think if I had fluid build up like you I wouldnt think it was such a breeze either. I hope things have calmed down for you and you like what you see!!
Barbe can you get another opinion on treatment?? I mean its nice to know they are keeping an eye on things but if the doc is worried about it being too close to an artery maybe another doc's opinion will either ease your mind on the watch and wait plan or come up with something better
determined this is my second go around at a nip. I loved it before it flattened out...I am sure I will be loving it tomorrow when these bandages come off. My PS talked about doing fat grafting but I need to lose weight first...I dont like that he has so many places to harvest it from ...plus that requires him seeing body parts that have remained covered so far...my wait and start working out.
I actually ran today with my Charlie for almost 3 miles...he petered out and when Charlie doesnt wanna run...mama doesnt run!! OK so my goal is to put away the three bskets of laundry I have done and mop my floors and do yoga...we'll see how this plan works out as the day progresses.
Ok so I think I mentioned how I had a meltdown last week at the nasty note on my ENT's bill..so I sent a rage fueled hand written letter certified to the doctor...well he just called. I missed the call and have zero interest in listening to his message. I know he just wants to butter me up so I dont say anything negative to my PS who recommended me to him. TOO Late I already told my beloved PS about the problems with the ENTs office and my PS said he would no longer refer him. Ooops...
Anyhow, I hope everyone is having a good Monday!!
Talk to you later ladies
Diane
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Diane, I AM getting another biopsy this Wednesday. As well, an ENT called and wants to do a biopsy on my thyroid next Friday. So it's all being looked at.
ellemint, go to the ER of the hospital that has the mental health clinic you mentioned. They always have room for crisis. And if you have the guts to put it down here, I would consider it a crisis. You need to be taken care of. Good luck, sweetie!
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Barbe, I Private Messaged you about that.
thanks.
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I know, I PM'd you back!! I'm quick!!
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Thanks Didel for your supportive words.
I would like to meet other BC survivors who live in my area, that being Burlington Ontario...so far I have not been able to even locate a support group. Except in other cities and I simply cannot drive on these highways, never seen such traffic chaos. And I haven't mastered the public transportation system either, I mean, to get to another city. Maybe I'm just lame.
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Ellemint you should post on the Canadian threads to see if there is anyone in your area that would be interested in meeting for coffee lunch or wine. I have reached out to a few women here and have made some wonderful friends and have my own little support group. I hope today is a better day!
Diane
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ellemint- Sometimes the whole support group thing seemed overwhelming to me, too. That's why I liked this site so much. I could connect with others who are on the same timeline as me, help newbies who were farther behind and get advice from women who were farther along in the process. I found it helped so much and it was available 24/7. It's definitely great to have someone in your life, though, where you can get some face to face support. Hope you can find someone who fills that square. You may want to ask where you are getting your treatment. They might be able to make some recommendations. I know the America Cancer Society used to have a program called "Reach to Recovery" where they hooked you up with a volunteer in your area who would call or visit. Does Canada have anything like that? Anyway, we're all here for you!
Diane- 3 Miles?!? I'm impressed! That's what I should be doing since the weather here is so beautiful here right now. Just can't seem to get my (rapidly expanding) butt going though.
So I had an interesting call yesterday. My original PS's office called and said a local magazine is doing an article on breast recon and the PS wants to submit my photos for the article. (No name or face shown.) They said the magazine will be contacting me if I agree. At first I wanted to say no since I wasn't thrilled with my first PS. But then I thought- hey, if it gets the word out about NS than I'll put my feelings aside. So I agreed. Guess I should take it as a compliment that out of all her patients she picked my photos. Never would have imagined 2 years ago, though, I'd be agreeing to have photos of my boobs published. What a strange turn my life has taken! lol!
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Kate, what is NS??
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barbe- Nipple Sparing. Unfortunately, a lot of women are still not being told that this is a possible option for them because not all surgeons are trained in the procedure. My first surgeon never even told me it existed. I found out by doing research on treatment options (luckily before my MX) and switched surgeons. NS is a lot less disfiguring and I think it should be a law that doctors at least advise their patients of this option- whether they can provide it or not. Not everyone is a good candidate but, for those that are, they should be given the choice. So I figure the more women know about it the better.
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ellemint: There is a group on here that is for women in Canada-not sure what it's called but it's worth looking into.
Barbe: Hope your biopsy is all clear. Hugs!
Didel: Wow, I would love to have all of that ambition!
Lindsey: How did your appointment go yesterday?
So, I found a PT office that charges $49 for the initial treatment and $45 for cash patients including PT & Chiropractic. It's about 15 minutes away and he is the 4th dr. who has told me frozen shoulder, so I go today at 2pm to confirm the diagnosis, go over the xrays and devise a plan that I can hopefully afford. Wish me luck.
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Good luck, MBJ!!! Hope it all works out and you're soon pain free and enjoying your new life! I went to L.A. a few weeks back and had to drive to Beverly Hills. I don't know how you dealt with all that traffic all the time! I would have been a crazy person! Hope the slower lifestyle helps with your healing process! (((hugs)))
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Hope you are getting the care you need MBJ!!
Kate, I wouldn't TRUST NS surgery!!! Doesn't most of the cancers start in the ducts and then break through to the breast tissue? If that's the case, you have to remove the ducts. The ducts all go to the nipple!! I'd be too freaked to leave that important piece of tissue in. You are WAY braver than me!
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barbe- That's what they used to think about skin sparing mastectomies and now they are the norm. During a nipple sparing MX the BS cores out the inside of the nipple (leaving basically just the skin of the nipple behind) and does a biopsy right then and there. If any cancer cells are detected the nipple is removed during the MX. BC does not start in the nipple, it starts in the ducts. (Not counting Paget's Disease but there's some controversy there about how it starts since almost everyone DX with it has an underlying BC somewhere else.) The ducts are removed during MX so there is no way for a new BC to form in the nipple. If there is a recurrence in the skin of the nipple, like the skin anywhere, you would feel it immediately. Current research shows nipple sparing is just as safe, and has the same rate of recurrence, of regular skin sparing. So not bravery required and why disfigure ourselves any more than we have to- especially with DCIS as in my case?
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I disfigured myself horribly, then!!!! I don't even know if they do NS up here. I think skin sparing is common, though.
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MBJ how was your appointment??? I hope you found resolution.
Kate 3 miles of jiggling thighs the entire time!! Not pretty but necessary. 3 miles is all I can do before charlie sits down and doesnt budge. I am hitting the P_A_R_K today and then the gym tonight. I unfortunatlely have to take my 12 year old car in the shop for another $500 repair...when it rains it pours.
So I got my bandages off yesterday and love my new nip! I think he was extra good as he wants to put me on the website. I asked him whats in it for me once I increase hits to his website and increase advertising revenues!!
I am aiming for free botox! He gave me a nip guard (he made himself) that he wants me to wear for 6 weeks! Ugh...nice bulge under my shirt. I guess its baggy clothes for me for the next 6 weeks. Anyhow, he also agreed to the fat grafting for the divot in my armpit but I told him lets do that in spring so I have time to NOT have so many places to harvest the fat from. Well being photographed for his site will be incentive to lose this weight I have packed on in the last two years.
Kate also...my BS and PS would have no parts of a NS mx if the cancer was ductal and invasive and if the tumors were within so many mms of the nip. Since I had not one but 4 invasive tumors circling my nip my BS said absolutely no and that I wouldnt find a BS in MD that would do it. I think I would have been too nervous to not have it removed in my case. I do think if I was doing a prophylatic mx or it was not invasive I would have fought hard to keep it. My PS also said it is definitely a more difficult recon. He said the reason they even take so much skin is to start out even as they stretch the skin with the TEs.
Well I hope everyone is well today..its a beautiful day here in Baltimore but a little chilly. Charlie and I heading out soon to enjoy the day.
Diane
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barbe- I post on the NS threads and I know there have been members who have had NS done in Vancouver and in Calgary so it is being done in Canada. Also, I wasn't calling you disfigured. But for women who would have been good candidates, who would have wanted to keep their nipples but weren't told about NS, and had them removed- I consider that disfigured. If I lost a body part unnecessarily because my BS couldn't be bothered to tell me about all my options I would have been extremely upset. This is what is happening every day and it's wrong.
Diane- I definitely wasn't saying NS is for everyone. But as BC is detected earlier and earlier more women with DCIS (like me) are opting for MX and they would be great candidates as long as the BC isn't too close to the nipple as you said. And definitely for women choosing prophylatic MX which most of us are on the non-BC side. And if they do the incision below the fold of the breast it's almost impossible to tell that these women have even had a MX. This should be the standard of care if you're a candidate and even though NS has been around for a long time it still isn't.
OK, I'll get off my NS soap box now but every week I get messages, or see postings, from very upset women who find out about NS after the fact and they are very upset they weren't told about this. OK......I'm really done now. lol!
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Kate it is all about education right........ I am a failed NSM and I am still grieving the loss of the nipples. I could have had a lumpectomy and chose the MX in part because I was suppose to get to keep the nipples. It is one less part of reconstruction if you can keep them. It is all about stage, grade and location of the tumor. Just as with fat grafting it is newer so many won't do it or haven't "bought into it" My PS is one of them. He has done it a few times and says he has done it in droplets but not much success. So I think he is so very good and my recon up to this point is evidence but I really need some fat grafting to the medial edge on one side. So everyone has their level of comfort and expertise. It is good that this is a great place to exchange info and theories from our docs etc.
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Oh Kate I wasnt suggesting that at all...I was merely saying my BS gave me a big fat NO when I asked about it. Losing my nipple was (for me) one of the hardest things about the mx. BUT now that I have a new one even though no feelings I am happy with the appearance. I envy those caught early who are candidates for NSM. I wished I was one of them...thats all I was saying.
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Diane- I know you weren't- just wanted to clarify for others who might be reading!
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I lost sensation to my nipples for over a year after my breast reduction. To me they became like plastic. I wasn't too attached to them....
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Even six years out I still struggle with depression. I am on a low dose of Celexa, but really breast cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving as regardless of the Celexa which is very helpful - btw - I still have body issues I have to deal with.
I've avoided the forums but I think I go on to connect with others who share this.
M
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Shopgirl-congrats on being 6 years out
I've been struggling the last year with depression. I only take Effexor and Tamoxifen. I don't think Effexor is working for my depression?? You are right, bc keeps on giving ::( There really is not a day that goes by I don't think about it...and my dx and prognosis was good...I don't get why I feel so losy! No motivation, no sex drive..just really could sit here and browse the internet...for what?? If Celexa works for you I should ask my doctor if I could try that too. Keep the faith 0 -
Shopgirl CONGRATS on six years out...I have a friend who is about the same and she has been a great source of support and inspiration. We all have bad days but I guess we hope as time goes on the good days outweigh the bad ones. My friend says the same thing...she thinks about it everyday. I hope when I think about everything 5 years from now it will be not so overwhelming. Ive said it before I look back at all the decisions Ive made and all the treatments and surgeries and I feel proud of myself for getting through it all. I used to crumble and think why me,,,I cant believe this happened to me...now I try to focus on how strong I feel for making through all the $hit. I actually dont even remember the crappy feelings and bad days of going through chemo or how I felt after surgery. I think its suppressed way down there and feels like a distant memory. I mean I remember it but I dont have the same sad feelings I did a year ago. Maybe its cause physically I feel great (just fat and lazy LOL) ...my hair is back and I can style it...I found people I can chat with who share the experience and understand me. I honestly dont know where I wouldve been without you ladies! Stick with us Shopgirl we will do our best to provide support and a few laughs on days you thought it wouldnt be possible. We are here for you!!
Tiff I am not sure if you can take Celexa while on Tamoxifen...I know there were not many antidepressant options if on T..unfortunately.
Good evening ladies...its dinner time on the east coast!
Diane
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Tiff I think Diane is right. I believe Effexor is the one they recommend. I will be celebrating 2 12/21 the day I got my diagnosis. I still cry. I am sad but the rawness has lessened. Some of it I think is the Tamoxifen and some just BC and the change in life and body.
I think we all know how deep the despair can be and that is why we are so supportive of one another.
The changes are on so many levels. It is just hard.
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