Great saying about depression
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I really thought that there is something wrong with me since I can't get past the BC experience. Tomorrow will be the second year anniversary of my lumpectomy operation. I am on Cymbalta and it just keeps me away from the bridge. I go to a therapist and she tells me that it is over with, I am healed and to put it behind me. She has never dealt with BC herself. This weekend I had a total meltdown. Cried for hours. My life is not mine. I'm in constant fear of recurrance especially with every pain I may feel. I dread looking in a mirror when I get dressed or put on makeup. The scars have redefined who I am or should I say how I see myself. I'm sorry. I guess I am still having a pity party.
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Veggy you MUST get a different counselor!! She has NO RIGHT to tell you that it is over! It's NOT!! It MIGHT be the last time that you deal with breast cancer, but until you die of something else, you won't know. My counsellor got told that today!!
You need a support system that understands your daily fears. I say it's like having a sword hanging over my head and not knowing when it will drop. I am three years out and still get concerned. In fact, I just had a biopsy TODAY on my thyroid! They showed me the 1 cm mass on my thyroid before they biopsied it because I didn't believe them. I thought I was going for the swollen glands in my neck. Those don't concern them apparently, but the thyroid does.
It is NEVER over. There is NO cure for breast cancer. You can only hope to cope. I like that...hope to cope. Coping is good. It doesn't mean you have to forget or 'get over it' or 'put it behind you' it just means you can be vigilent of your own health and live the best you can for the moment you are in.
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Shopgirl- I'm sorry you're still struggling but, if it helps, we all do get it. This is definitely a disease that leaves a permanent mark on all of us. (Like you said-the gift that just keeps giving!) How can we not help thinking about it when we see the aftermath in the mirror each day? But since most of the people around us don't see that (except our significant others) they don't really understand.
tiff- Sorry the Effexor's not working for you. I think a lot of us have a more "emotional depression" rather than chemical. It actually seems to get worse once we're finally done with treatment. Now the hard part- trying to process what we've just been through and trying to accept it. Being able to share on here has really helped me and I hope it will help you, too.
veggy- Sorry, but your counselor is way off base. Going through BC we experience all the same emotions of someone grieving and no one has the right to tell you how long that process should take. BC isn't just one loss- it's a whole series of losses. We not only sometimes lose our breasts we lose our health, peace of mind, hair, friends, intimacy, energy, self esteem, sexuality, the list goes on and on. And no one really addresses any of this with most patients, either. So processing takes even longer. And, you're right, there's also the fear of recurrence. Unless you've been through it you don't really understand how this hangs over you all the time. I'm wondering if your BS or someone at your local cancer center could recommend a new counselor who has been trained to work with cancer patients? It might help to talk to someone who really understands. Or just fire her and talk to us!
I posted this article before but we have a lot of new posters on here and I think it helps to read it. Interestingly enough, it was written by a cancer patient but a man who was struggling with a lot of the same things we all are. I think we have to keep telling ourselves that these emotions are all normal and just be gentle with ourselves as we try to navigate these post BC waters.
After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression
By Dana Jennings
I’m depressed.
I’m recovering well from an aggressive case of prostate cancer. I haven’t had any treatment in months, and all of my physical signposts of health are pointing in the right direction.
Still, I’m depressed.
And I’ve been ambushed by it. After more than one year of diagnosis, treatment and waiting. It’s almost as if, finally and unexpectedly, my psyche heaved a sigh and gave itself permission to implode.
I’m not alone in this cancer-caused depression. As many as 25 percent of cancer patients develop depression, according to the American Cancer Society. That’s contrasted with about 7 percent of the general population.
This isn’t about sadness or melancholy. It’s more profound than that. Broadly, I have a keen sense of being oppressed, as if I were trapped, wrapped up in some thick fog coming off the North Atlantic.
To be more specific, I’m exhausted, unfocused and tap my left foot a lot in agitation. I don’t much want to go anywhere- especially anyplace that’s crowded- and some days I can’t even bear the thought of picking up the phone or changing a light bulb. All of this is often topped off by an aspirin-proof headache.
The fatigue frustrates me the most. When I envision myself it’s as a body of motion, walking or running, not floundering in bed. On one recent day, I slept till 10 in the morning- getting 11 hours of sleep- then took a nap from noon to 2. And I was still tired.
I’ve had occasional depression over the years, but nothing as dogged as this. When I first learned that I had prostate cancer, I wondered about depression. But after the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I was sharp and clear-headed. I wasn’t depressed as I went through treatment- surgery, radiation and hormone therapy. I was buoyed by a kind of illness-induced adrenaline.
The bone-smoldering fatigue arrived in late spring/early summer, and intensified as summer deepened. I thought that I might be depressed, but resisted the diagnosis, didn’t want to countenance the idea that I could be depressed after all of my treatment.
I stubbornly chalked up the fatigue to the lingering aftereffects of radiation and my fluctuating levels of testosterone. But I was wrong.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in cancer patients, and have started a course in medication. My doctor assures me that depression isn’t unusual among those who are on the far side of treatment.
Partly, I think, I’m grieving for the person I was before I learned I had cancer. Mortality is no longer abstract, and a certain innocence has been lost.
And while the physical trauma is past, the stress lingers and brings with it days washed in fine shades of gray. In the same way that radiation has a half-life, stress does to. We all ache to be the heroes of our own tales, right? Well, I’m not feeling too heroic these days.
Cancer pushes a lot of difficult buttons. It lays bare our basic vulnerability and underlines the uncertainty of this life. And prostate cancer attacks our culture’s ideal of manhood. The steely eyed Marlboro Man isn’t expected to worry about incontinence and erectile dysfunction.
Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there’s a good chance that I’m cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp.
It’s harder to write about the weight of depression than it is to write about prostate cancer and its physical indignities. Cancer is clear biological bad luck. But depression, no matter how much we know about it, makes part of me feel as if it’s somehow my fault, and that I’m guilty of something I can’t quite articulate.
This has been a difficult post to write because during my dark waltz with cancer I’ve depended on my natural optimism and my sense of humor to help see me through. But depression blunts those traits.
In the end, though, I believe and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other. And I wouldn’t be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I’m depressed- even as I wait for a brisk wind out of the North to blow this fog of mine away.
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Just read on the Army of Women site that Dr. Carlos Blanco at Columbia University is conducting a study that will evaluate different types of talk therapy to treat depression in men and women diagnosed with breast cancer. If anyone's in the area they are looking for volunteers to participate and you'll receive free therapy. I just think it's exciting that there are doctors out there acknowledging this is a problem and are looking at ways to solve it rather than just handing out meds. Here's the link if anyone is interested-
http://www.armyofwomen.org/current/view?grant_id=542
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Welcome Robo! you know its funny a friend of mine's father was diagnosed with lymphoma a year before my diagnosis. He had this tile that say "One day at at time" on it. It is a hand painted tile that has been passed around to newly diagnosed cancer patients. He passed it along to me and told me to pass it along when I was ready. He told me it was a reminder to be kinder to ourselves as we engage in the hardest battle of our life. I put it next to my bed and of course at first it seems to be the phrase everyone tells you over and over...as I got towards the end of chemo I got it. When you physically cant move and have pain in every joint in your body..you learn what take it one day at a time really means. You will get through it and it will soon be a distant memory. For me (not ever had kids) it was the most challenging time of my life physically and mentally. For a minute there I thought cancer won..I felt beat down. But now I really do feel stronger than ever...well not my jelly thighs...or flabby arms..
..Once your hair comes back and the fatigue has left you ...you will feel more like yourself again. When I finally highlighted my hair and could blow dry it with my medium size round brush...I swear when I looked in the mirror at the salon I couldve cried I felt so happy to finally recongnize that girl in the mirror. It was a tremendous boost and came at a time I truly needed it. I know for now I am cancer free...and I am doing my best to stay that way. I certainly can not live every day thinking I am going to die of cancer. Of course at first I thought that yep this is going to be how I die...now I am back to thinking I will be the crazy old cat lady at the end of the street that kids dare each other to ring my doorbell at Halloween!! You cant really live if you're consumed with dying. I know for those early in diagnosis you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel...but its there and we are here for you too to help you get through this journey.
Post away...reach out to friends do what ever you need to do to pull yourself out of the darkness. There is always HOPE
Good night all...
Diane
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Oh yes and Kate as always....great post!! Also I am signed up for Army of Women I will have visit their site. Although I am not a therapy person...Id rather talk it out with you ladies
Night!
DD
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Thank you everyone! I think I am going to print out these comments and share them with my counselor. I am off to work now. I finally got a part time job. Actually I laugh the whole time I am there. I am crazy (in a good way).
Thanks again,
Valerie
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How about we just take up the whole block? Except I'll have to be the crazy dog lady!
I'm off for the 4 hour round trip trek to my BS for my annual check. It's a long drive but I'm actually looking forward to seeing her. How weird is that? My DH is driving me and we're going to have a lunch date at our favorite little restaurant in Tucson and maybe a little shopping if there's time. (If not, the cancer center has the most amazing gift shop!) Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!
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Determined - I loved what you said: "Nobody elses understanding of your story changes the fact that it is true" That will go on my bathroom mirror tomorrow.
Okay so it is late, I'm back on the big pain meds, feeling sad and tired. DH and I met PS for first post-op and he was alarmed at all of the swelling in the upper poles on both sides. Even underneath the swelling is so hard it still feels like TE. I have the hamburger bun smashed looked again and the nipples are very low. PS said "it is very early since exchange was Nov 16. He said the implants are riding really high and need to be pushed down into the pocket he created. So the nurse went and got "the band." I never paid attention when some of you mentioned it because I didn't understand what it was for. So it is 3" thick and very strong elastic, goes around me and clamps over my swollen upper chest. I am turning black and blue where the band is, but it actually looks like the implants are shifting south. PS also cut the pec nerve, so the back of my arms and sides are numb again. My arm feels like a pitchfork is stuck in it. I wanted to look "good" after the exchange and to look so distorted is . . . sad. PS said when the implant is in the pocket, my nipples will be in a good position so we just need to give it time. The band makes me edgy, pissy, short, so I am taking the pain meds which is helping. I have to wear this until we see PS on Dec. 19 Ugh. So much for a relatively pain free December. Did any of you have something similar and need to wear the band? Did it work and are you happy now.
Someone said to me "Everything seems to go wrong for you." Boy, did I feel defensive. I don't think this journey is about right or wrong, it just is. But still the comment pushed me into that place of feeling like I am bad and not doing this right! I am trying to breathe and realized the ebb and flow. Things are falling apart, and soon they will come back together. Just need a good cry and wish a few of you were here to just shake your heads in understanding.
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And I want to wipe that smile off my face in my picture!
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Lindsey, i hear that comment all the time!!! i just say "you're right, it does happen to me, doesn't it? for awhile i thought God was out to get me, but my spiritual beliefs just don't bend that far...
My body has betrayed me so badly, with so many things.. but, when you have a wonky immune system, it becomes a way of life.. (at least, for me )
you keep better care of yourself than i EVER did, so, by no means is it you.. and, i refuse to blame myself, either. we're as spiritually developed as we are, at any given time... so, make sure you go easy on yourself... im sorry, no recon allowed for me, so i can't help you there....
i have been really in the black hole for awhile now, but am taking my won advise, and not being hard on myself for that.. Life IS hard right now, so im not putting the fake smile on, also not doing doomsday in my head (weel, not much, anyway)
i was picking up music on you tube the other night, and copied a song I want to have played at my funeral.. i know it sounds morbid, but its something i started years ago, when i almost didn't survive one of the bacterial infections....
to even it out, i found a great song by Christine AGuleria (sp) the fighter.. i loved it, as well. i hate the bc warrior stuff, but that one DID speak to me. Id put the link in, but have no isea HOW to!!!look it up someday you're bored... im thinking of you all, and hope we collectively can z'keep our chins up" with all the pre holiday hoopla.. its not fair it happens as soon as all the pink stuff sisappears... ...3jays
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Lindsey, I know how you feel about that comment because someone once said I was jinxed! That really upset me, too, as if it was my fault and I should just not be 'jinxed' anymore!! I'm glad your PS is concerned!! Why can't they just put the implants where they want them to be during surgery????? That band sounds horrendous and very uncivilized.
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It really hurts to type but I want to welcome the newbies and let all of you know I read your posts daily.
Lindsey: I had the band, I was severely bruised and I had to wear it 24/7 for 3 weeks and at night only for 3 weeks. Gentle hugs and quick healing to you. It was my torture bra-at least that's what I called it.
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MBJ, what is hurting you to type? Your shoulder? Still no pain relief????? I wish I could send you some of my narcotics.....
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Lindsey- When I tried to talk to my friends about my latest BC/recon issues they had a tendency to look at me like I was being a big drama queen. I don't think anyone really understands that this doesn't end when the MX is over. It's an incredibly long process with the possibility for complications along the way. This whole thing doesn't seem to be an exact science by any stretch of the imagination. Just hold onto the fact you are close to the end of all this. Hopefully, no more surgeries and once healed no more pain, drains, etc. (((hugs)))
MBJ- Have you been able to be seen by a local doc for your pain? Being in so much pain day after day is so wearing I know. I think you said you didn't have coverage but is there a clinic or something you could go to? I just hate to think of you suffering so much that it even hurts to type. If I lived there I would come over and take dictation for you!
Hope it all gets better soon! (((hugs))) My 2 year appointment with the BS went great yesterday. All looks good and don't have to go back for a year. She said they now only do checks for 3 years for DCIS, rather than 5, but would check me the additional 2 if I wanted. She was amazed by the fat grafting and wants to do more research about it. I had a great lunch date with my DH, too, and the cancer center was having an art sale so we checked that out. Local artists donated art and all the proceeds went to a patient assistant fund to help those that couldn't afford care. So picked up several ceramic pieces to give as Christmas gifts. (And a little something something for us, too!) All in all it was a wonderful day!
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Thanks Kate-found a PT who is reasonable. Just in so much pain-after 2 apointments to get an MRI appt, I now have a date-March 17, 2012 if I want to fly back to California. Medi-Cal sucks.
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MBJ why do you need an MRI? I thought they confirmed frozen shoulder? Are you getting the run-around for treatment???? Won't a doc prescribe pain meds for you?
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MBJ- I can sympathize with you on the PT. It truly is no pain, no gain, but it's hard getting through it. So much easier to baby it. Just make sure to drink lots of fluids and maybe up the anti-inflammatories if you can. (Just take them with food!) That will help so much! I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. BTW, I thought of you yesterday. My temp at the BS's office was 97.5. Are you still doing any treatment, or research, on the low temp thing? I kind of forgot about it until she told me that and then remembered my last few Dr. appts my temp was low. I want to start doing some more research about that. Are there any good websites you could direct me to?
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Lindsey consider yourself hugged!! This is such a difficult journey. The fact that we are told by the culture around us that we must look a certain way makes it so much harder. The fact that it is not fixed usually with one procedure is something no one knows. And when you say I had surgery they for some reason think if it is related to breast recon that it is no big deal, a boob job. They don't think about the anesthesia, IVs, incisions, pain, decreased ROM etc. It is really maddending at times. We often feel like we did something to bring this on. If we had done this or not done that. This is a disease we didn't ask for!!!
We need to maintain the honesty of the journey. Allow our tears and screams of rage against this terrible disease. Only then will we move toward acceptance and peace.
I am so sorry you are going through all this.
Kate congrats on check up
MBJ wow there has to be something.......... Did you check into free medical clinics?
have a good weekend everyone.
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Kate: Often it's low thyroid related! There are some integrative dr's that deal with it-Wilson's Syndrome is what is was called but this method was controversial at best and dangerous. Many compounding pharmacies carry support supplements by dr. wilson and I have heard these work pretty well. Mine is still down but it hasn't been the focus due to my arm.
Try doing a google search on "Low Body Temp"
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Thanks all. Before getting out of bed this morning, I had a good long cry. I think I am sleeping very tense because of this band and the muscle spasms under my arms and in my chest just over took me. It did feel good to cry and now I feel empty. I am going to work on my homemade Christmas cards today for a diversion. I did take pictures again this morning and it looks like my right foob is looking better. The left still has the big puffy swollen spot on top, just under my collar bone.
I am glad to hear some of you have gotten that same response. Barbe, I think jinxed is a horrible thing to say to someone, but that is kind of what this women implied to me. Determined, I still like your quote. I think you are right too that people think this is a boob job. I hate it when I run into someone and they say "you're lucky to get perky breasts at this age (55)!" Wink wink. Ha! I ALWAYS respond oh, I would rather have droopy breast with feeling that perky ones that are numb. That ususally stops them! Some didn't even realize I was numb? Duh, DMX?? What do they think that means. We sure have the opportuntiy to educate a lot of people.
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HAHA, Kate, yesterday morning my waking thought was that my body temp was too low and I thought of MBJ too!!! Nice to know you're thought of for other things than bc, eh MBJ???
As for thyroid, did I mention on this thread that I just had another biopsy in my neck, but this time on my thyroid. I knew I had swollen nodes and had a second ultrasound to confirm they had grown, but they didn't do another biopsy. I got a call to go in for a biopsy. I was annoyed that it wasn't done at the second ultrasound. When he told me he was doing my thyroid I didn't believe him! He had to show me the tumour he was after - 1 cm solid black - I remember that look!!! They didn't worry about my swollen lympth nodes because if this is thyroid cancer or bc mets, that would account for my swollen nodes!
So now I wait for "the call".....sigh.
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Barbe UGH seriously you poor thing...I am so sorry you had to endure another biopsy and have to wait. I hope you are not in too much pain from the procedure. When do you get the results? I will be sending positive vibes for benign results!
MBJ MARCH?!?!?! thats insane that you have to wait so long for an MRI. I say go to the emergency room they have to take you and they can give you pain meds and an MRI...cant they?? You should not have to suffer through the holidays and for the next several months in pain. A friend of mine has had some blood when she goes to the bathroom and because she wont have insurance at her new job until February she has to wait to go to the doctors. So not good and I know she is sooo worried. This poor woman has been through so much...she's the one who stayed with me for a couple of days. She lost her house..her son had to go back with his father she had to give up her dog and at 41 is living with her father and stepmother. She has been very depressed mostly over the dog...a friend told her she could stay with her until she got back on her feet and today she picked up her dog MONTY!! OMG I went with her and little Monty was so happy he was licking her face all over and his whole body was wagging...She cried ...I cried. It was such a sweet moment and I hope this brings her a little happiness. It was very touching ...just thought I'd share.
Lindsey UGH I feel for you..I had a friend of mine have to wear the band after she got implants cause they kept traveling. You should ask your PS for some Arnica Montanna for the bruising..I took it for all my surgeries and not one single bruise. Its amazing. I am sorry you are sad..I know its hard to be upbeat when your body is hurting.
Kate congrats on the good news and so glad you and hubby had a nice day together.
Hugs to all that need one.,..
Diane
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Didel: Unfortunately, I had two emergency visits just to get an appointment in March. Such is the state of our horrible medical system.
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Thats just unbelievable! I guess thats life in a Red state...I live in a Blue state and am fortunate to have so many good hospitals around. I would imagine that Baltimore City Hospitals see a lot of patients without insurance and treat them. I saw where Coolbreeze had frozen shoulder and they did cortisone shots. Can they do that in the ER or is that an orthopedics job?? I just cant believe they dont have an MRI on site to do one for you right then and there. Thats so frustrating for you!
I wish I could do something for you!! Hang in there.
Diane
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MBJ, even in Canada we get looked at faster than that!! The ER doesn't bring CTs or MRIs though. I've had to wait for those before. You have to change your location update in your profile...
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hi i had my surgery 5 weeks ago i was in shock when i found out everything in the begining,but its seems like as each day goes by.i get more depressed and i know i should not be,because my out come was good. i get angey so fast now..dont know if its cuz of the tamoxifen or its just me.. i have a hard time getting a shower or bath...i hope this dont sound crazy..nothin makes me happy anymore,,i cant find myself..and i try so hard to get back to the old me..i cry to myself all the time..i feel so alone..even thou im not..i know im putting my husband through alot..but most of the time i cant help it..i dont know what to do next...
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Connie what you are feeling is so very normal. You are grieivng. Not sure what type of surgery you had. If you had a mastectomy the loss of a breast/breasts is a trauma. Both physically and emotionally. The diagnosis is a loss of any assumptions you had about what your life was going to look like. The feeling of loosing control is so very difficult. Life revolves around breast cancer for you right now. Pain is real. Changes in intimacy can be traumatic and takes time. Getting use to your new body will take time. I have an article that indicates it usually takes a woman about two years to come to full acceptance after losing a breast. Anger, anxiety, sadness, and fear are all part of grieving. It takes time, the rawness will lessen but you will probably have some sense of loss the rest of your life. But you can have a life worth living. You will find peace and acceptance, but only when you are ready. The process involves going back and forth between the stages of grief and the emotions. It isn't like you go through one and you are done. It is fluid. When you first find out there is so much tasky busy work. Decisions to be made, doctors to see labs etc. Now you are realizing the permanance of it all and figuring out how to live with this. What to do next........... Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel the emotions and move forward one minute, one hour one day at a time. You will find those who have not experienced it may say really dumb insenstive things. People will expect you to be back to normal becasue it is over now. But it isn't it is a process. We have all been there and continue to learn each day and accept our emotions as they happen. Please know you are supported here.
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Connie I completely agree with determined...its a process that takes time and every body heals at different rate. You are so early in your diagnosis and your body has been through tremendous trauma. Be gentle on yourself and give your body time to heal. I always say you have to physically heal then take care of the emotional healing after that. Unfortunately patience is requirement of this disease and probably the thing I lacked most when I was diagnosed. I know it can be depressing when you dont feel good..but you will get through this...we are all here for you anytime. You can PM anyone here if you want to reach out with more specific questions.
Hang in there
Diane
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Today I told my therapist how she hurt my feeling two weeks ago and how today I was going to tell her that it was my last therapy with her. She had told me last time that I had the treatment, I'm better and basically get over it. I told her that was stupid to say that I will always have this hanging over my head. I try to enjoy every day as much as I possibly can. I do have my days when I cry but they are getting fewer and fewer. She sat there in her chair and heard me out. She actually apologized. She looked like she wanted to cry. She felt bad. I told that I wasn't strong for what I did...I did what I had to do and she would do the same thing too.I told her that I hate how I have changed. I'm not myself. I have to find the new me (and like her). I am angry, short tempered and down right nasty. Its not a good new me. I get really annoyed when someone says that I am strong or that I am there inspiration. That's just crap to me. I was terrified and scared. Just be honest with me. Tell me that you are scared like I am.
Sorry for going on and on like this. I accepted her apology and made another appointment. She was sincere. Sometimes we need to teach the professionals.
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