Great saying about depression
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Day, my knees are shot! Along with my back...sigh. I sometimes have to get fluid drained from my knees if I 'over use' them....sigh.
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If anyone wants a laugh you can check out my animated Christmas card-
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Kate: Love that!
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Hi all! NYC was great...well good...there was drama of course with my sis but my niece and I had a great time!! The play was AMAZING if you ever have the chance to see it you must. WICKED was great great great. Very well written very clever! The singing was awesome as well. I love NYC and nothing like seeing the pros on Broadway.
Barbe congrats on B9 results...sorry you are still facing another surgery.
Ok unfortunately I have slipped back to stage 4...I am very upset today after some mean girl drama with my circle of friends and I just cant deal with it. I am popping a pill and curling up on the couch like a big fat potato.
Diane
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DiDel- HOLY CRAP! I was skimming and all I saw was Stage 4! Don't scare me like that!
Glad you had a good time in NY! 0 -
didel: i did the same thing!!holy moley!!!
Kate: is that you guys, and your dogs faces? it adorable!!!>3jays
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Hi all, just read through the last 10 days of posts, turned off the IPad and cried. Then decided I can either lay here and not sleep for another hour or post, so I'm baaaaack!
I think reading through all the stages of grief posts hit me like a wall of bricks. Just tonight my DH and I were talking and we concluded that I've been so wrapped up in the BMX, two recon surgeries, and pain over the past six months that I haven't even started dealing with the emotional grief.
I am Still wearing the compression band, which makes me crazy with pain. The swelling has gone down and it looks like the implant on the left has moved down into the pocket, but not on the left yet. But, I started physical therapy a week ago and this past Monday they really amped up the exercises. I was so swollen again on the right side that they sent me home yesterday and couldn't work with me.
My expectations were so high thinking the exchange surgery was a piece of cake. The compression band colors everything and Barbe I hear you about walking around boxes in the middle of the room. The crap just keeps piling up-mail, magazines, bills, people sending books,books on tape, books on cassettes, etc. that are all piled up in our tiny little house--it is driving me crazy with all the clutter. I'm off point, but I wanted this month to be joyous! And I see I am only half way through the steps you've all mentioned. I am glad to see them in black and white, and believe it will take a couple of years to get through the process, but damn it hurts to think that.
I went to a Christmas luncheon with my board of directors today. First day to dress up, do makeup and hair. They haven't seen me since May and I just wanted to assure them all that I am alive and planning to return to work in two weeks. After three hours I was exhausted. I can't think or remember names of charities or contacts and I was soooo good at that before. I feel so compromised intellectually but what is pissing me off (and I'm not angry when I say that, more scared), is that everyone said today "wow, there is light at the end of the tunnel" and "you look grat and have bounced back so well," and you'll be dancing in the New Year!" No one gets that emotionally I haven't even begun to figure out what this all means! Actually on the way out I jokingly said "I hope that light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train!"
I'll start back to work half days for the first three weeks on Jan 3, but am so scared at my lack of energy, fatigue, and mental lack. And sexually, when do I figure this part out? No one talks about that here, but i wish we could or would. My DH and I continue to make love because it is a way to feel connected, but wow, how do I get there without breasts? Is this okay to share and ask you all about? I keep hearing the "new" normal, but I want that to include satisfying sex.
I see the PS on Mon (19h) so hopefully this band will come off. Since the exchange surgery I have not been meditating like I was all summer, so maybe the anxiety I am feeling about how I look, pain, PT, going back to work,and Christmas is running around in my brain unchecked. I think a gift to myself would be to turn back on the meditation CD.
Determined you made some wise comments and I Want to thank those who added the grief steps listed here. I plan to print them so I can remember to cut myself some slack.
I want to respond to so many of yr comments, but this is too long. Just know as i follow each of your journeys, And your words sheds light on the path for me and the next women. I know we don't have a choice but at the end of the day, I think you (okay and me) are all so brave for being so transparent with one another. I treasure that about our group!0 -
Lindsey, I love what you say about being "transparent". That is SO true!! We really put ourselves out there on this thread. It's probably the only thread I'm on that I would want to protect my identity from family reading it. It doesn't bother me that strangers read it, as it's just life stuff, but my famliy might argue some of the points...it's great to know that you guys 'get it'. Thank you all!!
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Didel-You gave me such a scare!!!
Lindsey: Sorry you are still going through so much. It took a year after all of the surgery for my Dh and I to get our mojo back, and with all of the hormonal changes it ain't like it was before, but my husband has taken to using "toys" and he has always taken his time and I feel so lucky to have him. You will find your way you just have to heal right now!
Got the cortisone shot so I think I will know by Monday if it worked. Gave me some different excercises to do and some different pain killers, too. Crosswing my fingers -- I want my life back!
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SORRY EVERYONE!! Didnt mean to scare anyone...I just was way depressed last night and shouldve stated my mood better.
MBJ So glad you got pain meds and your shot...I hope it works...fingers and toes crossed for ya!!
Lindsey sorry you are still struggling ....unfortunately it seems to take a while for the fatigue to leave from all the anesthia. Take it easy getting back to work..I had to ease myself into full days as well.
I have had this window open for an hour trying to write but unfortunately I am baking cookies in my slooooow broken oven and its taking all day! I will be back later I have dinner plans and definitely need a little vent when I return.
Happy Friday!
Diane
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3jays- Yep, that's my DH, DS, our two pups and I in the video!
Lindsey- So many things I want to address about your post, but first- (((HUGS!!!)))
It truly does take at least 2 years for life to begin to feel normal (or at least our new normal). I remember people thinking I was being so strong as I was going through my surgeries. What they didn't realize is I was on auto-pilot getting through the necessary medical steps. Then, when I finally started dealng with the emotional ones, no one quite understood why now it was so hard. Not sure you really can understand unless you've been there. And on the outside we look great- after all no one is there is the morning as we stand in front of the mirror and see our battle scars. We put a strong face on for the world and so they think everything is "all better".
As far as the fatigue and forgetfulness- all normal, too. My doctor told me that anesthesia can cause short term memory losses and that, for every hour you are under, it can take your body at least a month to recover. You may want to make them aware of this at work and find some coping strategies (writing lists, reminders, etc.) until you've recovered.
The intimacy with your DH is a tough one. It's an issue that most cancer patients don't have to deal with. But, though it will be different, it still can be good. There have been some losses between my DH and I, between my BC and his Parkinson's, but these things have brought us closer than I ever thought possible. Over time it becomes easier to work around the physical changes and they become overshadowed by this new emotional intimacy- at least for us. My DH was really there for me every step of the way, as I think yours has been, and because of it I have never loved him more. I think we just have to accept it's not going to be the same but don't accept that it can't be even more. Accept that it will take time, share with your DH your thoughts and feelings and find other ways to connect in the meantime.
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Kate: You are so great at expressing yourself in writing! This whole ordeal has brought us closer, too.
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Kate and MBJ - thanks for your insights and help. Yes I do think this has brought us closer and I "know" that he is there for me. I think being in pain just makes everything look so gray, but it is nice to know with time color comes back to our worlds! Kate, I haven't thot of it but you are right I have been on auto pilot. This morning DH and I were talking about with whom and where do I have to wear the mask (work, ??) and where can I be real? If the emotional journey is just starting, it seems like it will be a roller coaster managing work,family, friends, house, yard, and relationship with DH. My mentor/ therapist just emailed and said "before you take up being the "good girl and putting on your smile, we need to talk!" ah, a woman who knows me well. :-)
Diane, I hear you about going slow for the job reentry. I discovered a "yellow sticky notes" app for my IPhone and must have five lists going. OMG, I just remembered I need to make a doc appt! Okay, so here is a perfect example of what I mean. I wake up or make notes as I think of them but NEVER remember to look at my phone to see the notes each day! LOL! I think I need the real notes so I can stick them everywhere so I see them. The phone app just isn't cutting it for me.
Diane you are making cookies? We just got a huge lovely box of European chocolate cookies and have decided to give them out as our neighbor exchange. Best I can do this year!0 -
I'm sad to say that I am a victim of lost mojo. Not on my part, but my DH's. We made love just before my surgery in 2008 and my nipple began to bleed bright red blood. A real turn off, for sure! Since then, we have only attempted it once!! My DH has very low testosterone and blames his brain tumours on his lack of libido. I figure by now I don't even know what is going on down "there". I am angry at times that he has taken that joy away from me. He says it's just a coincidence that he lost interest when I lost my breasts. I do believe him, though, as he used to 'whine' when I tried to seduce him and we'd have a big old laugh about what the neighbours would think if they knew what he was whining about!!
I had to have a trans-vaginal US and I almost passed out with the pain. I don't think I could handle love-making at this stage. We joke that we used it all up in the first 15 years we were together!! He makes the tea. That means something.....sigh.
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MBJ, can't you tell if the cortesone worked? I an usually tell once the freezing wears off. My last epidural did NOT take and I am bummed. It hurt the most and I've had 4 of them before, this one HURT!!!!! I don't think I'll pursue it again.
I'm so glad you got new meds. Your body gets used to the old tricks and needs new ones every once in a while.
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Kate, meant to say I LOVED your you tube dance!! You have a very good looking family!!
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Hey Ladies I am back from dinner..ugh what a couple of days. I literally have cried for the last 4 days now. Partly cause I think I am getting sick and just feel crappy on top of some crappy people in my life..that are no more. I dont wanna get into all of it but basically the night before my trip to NYC my friend who has been staying here on and off was supposed to pick Charlie up from daycare for me, take him home feed him and Sadie put dog in crate...very simple and probably take 1 hr. Well she cancelled on me at 8:30 at night. I was so tired and fortunately my BF owns the doggie daycare so (for free) she let me leave him overnight but it was just stressful and I hate when i feel like I do so much for people and I even PAID her to watch Charlie and she cancelled basically cause she didnt want to drive downtown. I will keep that in mind next time her kids are sick at school and need to be picked up and she cant leave work to do it. I also had a fight with another friend who I got mad at one night while high on demerol post op...and unfriended her on FB...well you know after you do it you cant pretend like you didnt...but then I decided to see how long it would take her to notice...a month and someone else pointed it out. She's been a lousy friend and she soooooo superficial..and hasnt been inviting me or including me in things lately. Its been really hurting my feelings...then the last straw hit and I unfriended her...so I had some splaining to do...she said I was rude and that she didnt care and wasnt putting anymore effort into the relationship...I said point made..you never have its been one sided for years. to which she replied that I was rude and "she has a lot going on in her life too" uhhh like she's been trying to get pregnant for two months....her big problem in life...she has the attention span of a gnat and is upset after trying for two whole months she's not pregnant...wish I had her problems. I stopped responding to her emails. THEN my very dear misguided friend told me she was "concerned that I was still depressed" and that I should "be happy I beat cancer and get on with life" Well you ladies can imagine what I unloaded on her. After explaining that there was no switch to flip and make me happy again right now and that it was a process I am working through...she said she understood. SHe said she missed the old Diane and I said not more than me. It was actually a good talk today for 2 hours and I feel like she did really understand how sad and lonely Ive felt. I also forwarded her the stages as listed by determined and she said it also really helped her understand where I was coming from and the level of fear of recurrence. So for now...for tonight..I feel ok.
BTW my nip still looks good I hope it holds.
Lindsey Kate MBJ you are so lucky to have such wonderful hubbies and strong relationships. A friend of mine (male) actually complained to me (pre BC) about how his wife has so many scars from recon (BMX with DIEP) and she didnt do nip recon...he said he just couldnt get passed the scars and missed her boobs. Yes he actually said that ...I reminded him that he was no svelt stud and should be ashamed of himself for saying that about his wife of 25 years. I remember at the time he said that, I had felt the lump and was so worried and thought...thank god he is not my BF. I think of that all the time when I think about dating again...blaaaahhh I havent been with anyone in almost 3 years and just cant imagine it one little bit.
As for my cookies ...I made chocolate and toffee chip...double chocolate chip with milk and dark chocolate chips...peanut butter with snickers in the middle..and Rugelach (its a jewish cream cheese dough cookie rolled and filled with cinnamon, choc chips and pecans) I think that is it. Now I have to package and ship some off by Monday and others will be hand delivered. I send them to clients and friends. PM me your address if you want a package
Good night all....
Diane
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Oh one last thing,....Charlie caught and killed his first mouse!! Blaaaahhhhkkkkk
We came down the stairs this morning and he darted around the corner grabbed what I thought was Sadie's toy...and then dropped it. EEWWWW he punctured the poor little guy right in the middle of his chest, I had to scoop it up in yet another tupperware container sacrificed for dead mouse disposal.
it was disgusting but I do like that he can sniff 'em out ...and hopefully scare them away.
Ok sleep tight !
Diane
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MBJ and barbe- Thanks for the compliments!
DiDel- Sorry things are so rough right now. I can relate to the friend story. My BFF went MIA during my entire treatment and when I finally called her out on it she said the same thing- that she was dealing with a lot, too! What she was dealing with was empty nest- her son had gone off to college and her daughter got engaged and moved to California. Let's see- your kids moved out and I lost my breasts. Yeah, that's about the same stress level. It was a long time coming, long before BC, but had to jettison her out of my life and have never looked back. I'm glad your other friend was trying harder to understand and be there for you. I think BC really causes you to reanalyze just about every relationship in your life. Some have gotten stronger and a few were dealt the fatal blow.
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Diane (and everyone) don't get me wrong. My DH is a SAINT!!! If he dies, dig me a grave right beside him. He tolerates ALL my idiosyncrasies and I KNOW I have a lot of them. He lets me be truly me. There have been many, many strains on our relationship that would have ripped any other pair apart and we just seem to stick tighter! It's almost a game now - like, go ahead God, give us your best shot!! The most recent is his kidney tumour that the doc says is 80% cancer! Hey! Can't I even have my OWN disease? hehehehehehehe
We LAUGH a lot. At things other people just wouldn't find funny.
The sex thing IS big, but his companionship is worth more to me. I would NEVER EVER get another partner. I've teased him that I'm going to get a boyfriend and he just smiles and says "No you won't, you love me too much." He even told me to get a 'girlfriend'!!!!! What good could my body be to anyone but him now??
He is 8 years older than me and we talked about the age difference when we got together. He assured me that if he got too old to cut the mustard, he could still lick the jar! I've reminded him about that comment but we just end up laughing...sigh. Like I said, I just figure we've used up all our physical loving. We do hold hands though when we walk and I like that.
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Oh Barbe I wasnt implying he wasnt a good guy I was merely acknowledging the sweet things the others said about their hubbies and that being intimate with someone right now was a scary thought for me. Its nice that they have that level of comfort with someone...not implying you dont just that they stated they did. I hope someday to feel that comfortable with someone again.
OK so I woke up to a hole in the middle of my cotton t-shirt I went to bed in...I think a mouse nibbled on me in my sleep out of retaliation for the death of Charlies chew toy yesterday. EEEEEKKK
I have two holiday parties to attend tonight...I feel like crap...and have lots to bake including cupcakes and quiches. Happy Saturday!
Diane
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Diane- LOL! I'm guessing Charlie wouldn't let a mouse get anywhere near you! He probably thought you were his next chew toy!
2 parties! Lucky girl! I say pick up some cupcakes from the bakery, quiche from the freezer section, warm them up and then go hae a good time! (Of course, that's how I roll- I'm not exactly June Cleaver.) Hope you feel better! 0 -
Barbe: I DID feel better yesterday, but I think it was mostly the anesthesia they give you mixed with the cortisone. Today it's sore at the entry site -- Of course it doesn't help that I have had a stomach flu for two weeks, and my lower back went out on the opposite side. I do notice more movement but I still need lots of PT and gradually I hope to get full range of motion again without pain. I can have two more shots in the next 3 months, if necessary. I have had an epidural -- they don't seem to last very long.
Didel: When it comes to love, I don't think the scars matter -- they just bring us closer together. When I was first getting to know my husband he had some heart issue long healed now, but when he told me, I just started crying like a baby and it was one of the most intimate first moments we ever had -- it's when we first realized we loved each other. What's the saying? Everybody gets hurt in life, but for some of us, where we are broken, we get stronger. I wish this for all of us.
As for friends, I unloaded a lot of unecessary "friendships" when I moved. What a relief to no longer have to deal with these selfish people.
The cat story makes me laugh, though waking up with a whole in your shirt - eeek!!!!
Lindsey: Just remember to take it slow, buy lots of yellow sticky notes, write down everything twice and just except where you are right now. It will come back, it just takes time. Chemo did a number on my brain power and I worked while going through everything, I just had the advantage of not having to go to an office. It was challenging, but it was also a nice distraction from myself and my worries. Gentle hugs!
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I am laughing so hard right now it is great! I haven't had a deep belly laugh in months :-) It is actually hurting my foobs in this tight band!!
Diane, I am trying to imagine waking up with a hole in my shirt that I KNOW wasn't there when I went to bed. Egads, that freaks me out. I am still sleeping upright on our chaise lounge and our cat has "found" me now that it is gettting cold outside. This 18 lb fluffy mess sleeps right on top of me. Now I am thankful. :-)
Kate, I chuckled too about yr June Cleaver comment. I always home bake for 7 neighbors and today opened a box of chocolate cookies given to us and my DH and I passed them out today. Yes, I re-gifted cookies!! But we all have our "issues." For the past week I have been making 82 homemade Christmas cards. I would love to show you it if someone will tell me how to upload a photo here. I always take a photo to go with my "word" for the year. My word this year is transformation.
We still don't have Internet service so my photo is on a flashdrive and I am using a laptop (and our neighbors wi-fi. He is so kind to help us.) If someone will send me directions I will post my photo in my comments tomorrow!
Also Barbe, Your DH sounds kind, funny, devoted, faithful, and sweet. Companionship IS all it is cracked up to be. It sounds like you have love that endures. :-)
MBJ, I hope this shot will help. Boy, what a painful journey for you. I'm sending you healing energy, in fact I am going to go light a candle for you right now! I just told my DH I am going to put a sticky note ON my IPhone to remind me to look at it. That really cracked us up. Okay, I am where I am. Thing is I didnt have chemo! Just 18+ hours of anesthesia!
You all are my sanity through this.Thank you!
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Ladies....we went to my DH's Christmas party last night! He works (Marshall on the golf course) at the resort we live in (town houses around the course). We DANCED. That was the first time since I went flat that we danced! It was very emotional for me, because we always "fit" before. My rack of breasts would rest on his man-belly. Now I was just crushed to his chest and it was SO nice. Now what did I wear?
My Mom, who used to spend months on cruise ships had all sorts of blingbling clothes and I picked a couple when she died. The top last night weighed a couple of pounds in silver beading. Last time I wore it I had breast. Not so last night! I forgot that with the weight the top would pull down very flat!! I had always thought of it as a loose top because I thought it puffed....oh well, too late!
I had my hair highlighted on Saturday and she did a great job! I wore plain black pants, as the top was enough. I have a nice ass, so it was all good. I felt pretty for the first time in a LONG time....it felt good!!
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Lindsey I sent you a PM.
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barbe1958, I am so glad you had a good time last night. You deserved it!
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Lindsey- I found the easiest way to share photos on here is to sign up for PhotoBucket. It's free and it makes it easy to copy and paste photos to BCO. I think 3jays is the one who told me how to do it.
barbe- It sounds like a wonderful evening- very special! These are the times with our DH's that really matter and bring us close. So glad you had that and were able to feel beautiful once again.
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barbe I am sure you looked beautiful. So glad it was a special magical night.
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I really appreciate that quote. I think - no, I am positive - that my mother suffers from depression, but when I try to bring it up she is always offended because she thinks it's a sign of weakness. I don't know how to explain it without her bringing up connotations of illness or fault.
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