Great saying about depression
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Determined, we have lost our innocence. We can never get it back. We have seen the bullet that will kill us. You can never breathe easier after that.
Hope and joy are two goals to aim for. It's hard.
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Barbe you are right we can never get it back. I am hoping that I can get the return of the world will be alright feeling. Also not think about it all the time. I guess I will keep putting that one foot in front of the other and keep trying to find it again. I think I need to honor what I have been through so as not to minimize it but continue to move forward. Make sense?
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It does make sense. But here I am dealing with a tumour nodule that I now need surgery for!! My therapist even said that I seem to live from doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment. That really depressed me, but it's so true!!!! I guess we'd be falling apart by now due to age, even if we didn't have bc.....sigh.
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barbe I know it seems like it is never ending. I see another doc tomorrow about the recon next steps. But we are here right? My neighbor across the street is in his 40's and is in hospice and dying from stomach cancer. His youngest is 4. Cancer is so senseless and hideous. So today I am going to write my story with hope.
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Determined so well said. I hit a turning point after my nip recon (the first one in May) and after I highlighted my hair..as dumb as that sounds I felt like I finally recognized that girl in the mirror. That was when I was able to really be thankful that I had survived the last two years without many complications. I know I am lucky to have made it through chemo and 6 surgeries without any permanent damage or serious infections. I have realized through BCO unfortunately many people have serious complications and obstacles along their journey. Some struggle more than others to make it through...and thats where this site comes in..to help each other out. I am sorry about your neighbor..that is too sad. I have lost two friends to cancer and one to a car accident since I was diagnosed. The losses are never easy. I have hope too!! I think that is what has really lifted my spirits in the last 6 months (although as previously disclosed I reserve the right to revert back to the dark side at any time) Of course I have bad days but I had bad days before BC. I am learning to appreciate what a "bad day" really is...its usually doesnt involve losing an earring or my puppy eating a shoe.
Stanzie I am so sorry for your struggles. I being the Virgo that I am used to be OBSESSED with making everything I did PERFECT! I was laughing at myself yesterday because I was wrapping presents and I love love love wrapping...mainly cause I love making it all look so pretty. Well I bought this beautiful glittery paper...FREAKING GLITTER EVERYWHERE...pre BC it would have driven me insane the constant mess of glitter everywhere..I would have dashed out at midnight to get different wrapping paper...now I cant wait to have everyone open their presents and be covered with glitter!! HA HA I used to also OBSESS with color coding the candy that I put in my nieces and nephews stockings i make them each year. I cant believe the stress I would bring on myself with my tiny little perfection obsessions. I say try to let somethings go and enjoy your company...enjoy those who do show up and really whats the worse thing that can happen. If you burn dinner you'll eat cookies and candy!
If someone doesnt like a gift they can take it back. I am sure you'll put together a great festive day filled with love for your family and I hope they feel that. I hope its a great day for you!! You deserve it! Kate I am laughing at your Jane Fonda comments because I watched her on the Today show and she was saying the same thing...I totally agree how men could give a hoot about things we go nuts over. I am mostly laughing as I just had braces put on today (at 45 )...you know striving for perfection!! HAHA didnt even really think about it that way when I decided to do it. It was more like I have always been self conscious of my smile and I am not waiting anymore I am fixing it. But I guess a part of me is striving to control some things..especially since my weight is no longer my control.
As for Adderall I wanted it when I was so fatigue and NONE of my docs would give it to me (it also helps with weight loss) My one friend who does take it also takes Melatonin to help her sleep. I took Melatonin when I was having a hard time sleeping. 3Jays I hope this works for you!! I also loved your card very sweet.
I hope everyone is having a good night...I can not believe Christmas is in 3 days!! I have to wrap the last few things I bought today and I am ready!! Then bring on 2012...as I really feel good about the new year...for all of us!!
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today, i spent partof my day being a "secret santa" for one of my neighbors, and it really helped..(messed with my le , but wwas worth it )
we don't have the $$ we used to, to give presents etc to a lot of ple: just family...
this older (not by much) lady was struggling to hang lights, the other night... whe live in a 4 plex "villa" in an over 55...
well, with my downsizing, i found enough lights to do our fence, etc... no problem..
then, when i saw her the other night, we decided we had enough old light to do hers, now, 3 out of 4 match!!!!they're the colored Icecycle lights on white wires... then, i found enough multis on greenwire, i out "fairy" lights INSIDE her patio garden, in the trees and plants.. it felt so good, to be doing something for SOMEONE eELSE; and doing something i LOVE to do: my garden shows it.. and for free!!!BIG TIME WIN!!!
Hubs and I are doing some "wrangling" this afternoon, and it got a little rough... but, by the time we were done with our "secret" we were "back on track"...
if ?no, when, the thyroid straightens out, and im not bed/house bound, i swear, im widening my
world!!!I think being bed/house bound is changing me, not for the better.. Aand i found the enemy ..and its my mind!!!hahahathe anxiety sometimes makes me want to crawl outta my skin!!!yes, Kate, its all a vicious circle.. and, with the anxiety, i don't want to take the xanax, then lose time in bed again... im fighting for my life here, with the hypo, harder , or at LEAST AS HARD as i did the bc.!!!so, the answers' always the same.. one foot in front of the other!!!
i was talking to a good friend from bco yesterday; she's stage 4; but physically much better functioning than i, she was saying she saw a dead bird, and thought it was an omen... i told her she had an omen today... she gasped, and said "WHAT?" i said.. 1st, you woke up, then you took a breath, and stood up.. i guess thats' an omen that your'e suppossed to live today...
it was a good phone call. we both decided to remember that every morning, 1st thing...
Barbe.. i know how hard a time you're having. nothings' scarier than feeling like you have to work to breathe..(love you) and, i BET when they take that durn thing out LOTS will feel better for you... thats' my prayer, and hope, for you...
Hope we all just stay calm , and try to enjoy "the little moments" that this season is full of.. im sure gonna try... the prednisone is making me more than a little Mood-swingy right now, and NIWS not the time for that !!!
im renting some movies tommorrow..have you noticed, there's NOTHING on TV , if youre not all "christmasy" hahaha enjoywhat little ya got, ladies...3jays
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Thanks 3jays, I'm hoping when it's out and they put me on Synthroid that I'll finally be able to lose weight!! I can "gain" 5 pounds over night! Stupid. I'm also hoping that I'll have more 'wind' to give me more energy. I'm still thinking about those lymph nodes on the right hand side of my neck...tumour is on the left side on what's left of my thyroid. So, I'm still wondering about the nodes....
Nothing on TV is right!!! I am housebound, too and only go out every 4-5 days. I love my house, why do I have to leave it?
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barbe: Sorry you are having to have another surgery. Have you ever checked out breastcancerchoices.org? I take Iodoral, an iodine/potassium supplement to keep my thyroid nodes and fiberous breasts from being a problem and it really works like a miracle. I wouldn't have believed it until I had my first mamo--completely clear breast compared to before where it was a complete fiberous mess.
Didel: Thank you for the well wishes. I think I am almost out of the woods with this horrible flu. Yesterday my dr. told me he wants me to get the MRI and also be tested for nerve damage to my arm. Really, really scared.
3jays: With all that you are dealing with I really, really admire your strength and your courage and it always feels great to help out others, doesn't it?
Determined: I just had my two year in September -- not as bad as the first year but still it comes as a shock. As Kate says, it's kind of like a death and we need to honor and mourn our losses and then thank goodness that we are still healthy. I really get how frustrating it is that you are still having to deal with more surgery -- I seem to be facing the same possiblilty with my arm and I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for the MX.
Kate: I am soooo guilty of always trying to look and be perfect. I think it is ingrained into our heads at a very young age. I hope it isn't true of younger women as much. I love Jane Fonda -- we saw her do a play before we left Los Angeles and she still looks great.
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Awww MBJ so sorry you are still not feeling well. I just had the mother of all colds which was bad enough. I get my flu shot every year...doctors orders. Getting a cold was the first time I have been sick since I was diagnosed. I think going through chemo I was so careful and steered clear of crowds. This year I go to a few parties and end up getting the bug thats going around. I hope you dont have nerve damamge. Do you think you could also have some cording issues. I had a tendon caught on scar tissue and it felt like my arm was asleep..you know that numb tingly feeling. My PS cleaned it up at one of my revisions. I hope you get your MRI soon...you need to find resolution to your pain. You poor thing..feel better.
I am telling you ladies...2012 is our year!! I feel it!!!!!
Diane
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Diane, how the heck did the doc find the tendon?? Lucky you!! I hope that MBJ's MRI can point to something as simple (right!) as that!
As for saying that 2012 is our year, in 2008 I was turning 50 and swore is was MY year. It certainly was. That's when I got diagnosed with breast cancer!!
Good on you for getting braces, too. As for looking good, I do know that I act and feel better when I know that I've made even a bit of effort on my appearance (powder my face!).
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Any Challenge serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking, but a full-on transformation -a birthing anew.
-Martha Beck
BC takes us on a journey and the transformation will change us forever. May we be loving and caring to ourselves. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope 2012 is gentle to us all! Best, Lindsey0 -
Oh actually you could see the tendon pulled from my armpit to my wrist it was disgusting I thought it was going to tear. They sent me to PT to try to stretch it but it was right before my exchange. My PS said it was probably caught on scar tissue and he would try to clean it up at the exchange. I think he just got luicky cleaning up scar tissue and it happen to resolve itself.
I feel like now that I have come to the realization that recon is a two year process...now I am ready to get back to life...hence...bring it on 2012!! LOL
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Lindsey nice quote..and pic...btw I can't believe you made your Christmas cards...how ambitious!!
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Lindsey: i see you tries the pictures.. a butterfly? HURRAY for you.. now, on photobucket, you just have to click on resize, and make it 2xs smaller than you did it.. im so proud of you!!!(now, of course, iwanna see MANY more pictures... )
Ladies, thanks for the compliments for decorating my neighbors.. i honestly wanted to do something for her, even though we're broke: but the biggest reason was to get RID of the extra lights.. i hate to see anything go to waste...hahahaha...
im sure ill be here tommorrow night.. but, i do hope everyone has finished killing themselves getting ready, and can now proceed with enjoying!.........3jays
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Merry Christmas to everyone!! I hope you all relax and enjoy the holiday!!
Diane
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Too easy Lindsey, as 3jays said, a Monarch Butterfly!!
Diane, thank God the surgeon was able to do that!!!!!
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Oh, this is TOO funny!!! I was thinking this was the thread with the Mystery Pic!!!! ehehehehehehee
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Just stopping by to wish everyone a happy holiday and bring on 2012, because I am soooo over 2011.
Didel: I got braces when I was 28 and it was so worth it. Good for you!
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Just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year. I think you are all courageous, caring, funny, strong and amazing women!!! I am so grateful to have "met" you. I know I would be in a much different place emotionally without this place and all of you. Here's hoping 2012 is a better year for all of us! I want to share a video with you. I wish I could send each compliment out to all of you-
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thanks for the linky, Kate.. you compliment us, all the time.. those are so scary statistics!!!
I'll have to start tommorrow morning , with my sons' "outlaws ".. now, that'll be funny!hahaha 3jays
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i've spent the weirdest christmas eve, this year.. my son's here from the 1/2 way house, but on his phone the whole time, Hubs is in bed most of the night, and no one wanted to go out for our annual tradtion.. it was a really isolated christmas eve.. hopefully, next year, i'll feel better, get in my car, and take mySELF out.. i say "phoeey" on the lo of them!!!
tommorrow, i'll see the grands, aand thyll liven things up geesh!!!!
im so grateful, i can come here, to this site.. im amazed how many of us are up, talking away, on christmas eve...
i also CANNOT wait till 2012......gotta be better!!!...3jayst
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3Jays - okay next pic will be smaller! At least I figured it out. Yeah! Thank you for directing me. :-)
Determined- I love that, what story are we going to write today. I will remember that and even add it to my vision board.
Last night my husnpband and I had a nice dinner at home and I gave a toast "here's to ending our survival mode, and to reconnecting with laughter and fun." I am so tired of trying to just finish the day. I want to live! PT is plenty painful, but Ive been walking 3/4 mile at the beach every day this week. I want my life back. I kow it might take five months to gain the stamina and body strength I use to have, but that's my Christmas wish.
Diane, I have some extra special cookies tonight, thanks! Braces? You go! Whatever makes us feel better. I dye my eyelashes and love that first month when I wake up with black not white lashes. I have eyes!!! Whatever floats your boat as my brother says!
Barbe- the best thing you said was that you love your doctor. That's the best starting place! Sorry you need surgery again but this sounds rather pressing--oh god it's getting late and my quirky sense of Hume comes out. But you want it out and I am glad you will move forward soon. Am I missing something about a butterfly? I know it represents transformation and Christians use it as a symbol. What am I missing? :-)
Just a foob update- the band has been off since Tues. the rt is still much more swollen but they look pretty good. Painful to lean forward but because of all the stitches in the pocket. He said give that two more months. I have to sleep in a bra--forever, so I am looking for suggests of snug on top camisoles to sleep in. Actually my mastectomy bra is very snug and comfortable, it just looks like heck! I'll do pt 3x a week through feb.back to work part time on Jan 3. Feeling a little nervous to go.
It's after midnight! Santa should be here any minute so I need to turn out the lights! Love to you all! ho ho ho!0 -
Merry Christmas to all! DH and I are alone today. We had everyone except my DD, SIL and DGS yesterday. It was perfect!! Talked to my DD this morning and she said she didn't realize every was going to be at our place yesterday...blah, blah, blah. She feels bad now. Oh well. We are seeing them on New Years Day. I told the others yesterday that if they want to come back, they are welcome to join us then. We gave a lot of board games and even played some yesterday. We didn't have a TV until I was 40, so we used to clear dinner dishes and bring out the games!
Now my DD says weren't we going to THEIR place on New Years? I said why. She said because of nap time. I said to come up when Zach woke up. There was a silence on the line....we'll have to see where we end up that day. I'm kind of glad/sad that my DD felt left out yesterday. It was totally her choice and we had a great time without her. I refuse to be used. No guilt here.
I liked that link Kate. I DO compliment people ALL the time but with honesty. I think that's one of the reasons I was good in sales. I never said something I didn't mean. Of course, that comes back to bite me in the butt sometimes...sigh. I do laugh when people think I have a 'hidden agenda' like they sometimes say on these boards. I am the most transparent person you will ever meet!!!!
Have a blessed day everyone...
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Merry Christmas. Everyone! I think the holidays are something you sometimes have to reinvent to please yourself. Finally flu free, my DH and I went out and had an amazing meal. Today we are at my inlaws and it's good to be alive!
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Had a great day with my family and cousins--37 people sat down for dinner. Loud an chaotic but that's how it goes! DH is a good sport. We do everynother year, so I'm glad with all this BC stuff I was able to be with my side this year.
I read something in a blog that caught me by surprise and thot it would make you think too! Determined, it made me think again of what story I would write today. This is from a Marc Cohn song:
"Maybe Life was curious to see what you would do with the gift of being left alive."
Interesting line, huh? It's a little provocative but worthy of some contemplation.
Counting Down for New Years! Let's get rid of 2011!0 -
I like that too, Lindsey. I heard something last night that resonated with me. It was SO good I was sure I'd never forget it......forgot it!!!...sigh.
I like when words make sense. The world clicks into place and all is good.
My DH and I went to see Breaking Dawn, the Twilight movie. I have read all the books, and Stephanie Myers is an AMAZING author!! We rented the DVDS and DH LOVED them!! So our treat was the movie.
Hope the rest of you can move today after all that action yesterday. MBJ, glad to know you got out!!
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Hmmm the swelling has increased over the last few days in the upper poles, but I have been doing more. I wonder if anyone had a similar exchange experience. I got the band off on 19th but I'm still swollen. The only garment that feels comfortable is my mastectomy camisole, I think because it is holding me tight. To wear a regular bra or cami with soft cups is painful after awhile. I'm doing physical therapy but going light so not to cause more swelling in upper poles. After DMX I was really numb under arms, back of arms and sides. Things felt much better after a few months, but now only on right side everything is numb again. I had no lipo or FG with exchange. Just not sure if the swelling could be causing the discomfort and pain. I can barely stand to touch the girls when showering. Everyone else seems to do so well after exchange. I am feeling discouraged and tired today. I tried icing but I don't see any difference in swelling. Any wisdom you can share?
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Lindsey, I didn't get recon so I can't help except to offer gentle hugs!! Remember though, I'd never heard of anyone wearing a binder for so long either. Maybe now that it's off, it's like starting at day 1 after surgery. So you are just now experiencing what you would have felt weeks ago....?
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Determined...please try Effexor for your depression or the generic Venlafaxine. This does not affect Tamoxifen or the other way around. Effexor has saved my life and my sanity. God bless you.
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Fighlikeagirl and Determined- Just a heads up. My oncologist put me on Effexor for hot flashes and I was good for about two years, then started getting hives, then angioedema (facial swelling). In 2010 I was in the ER five times and had hives everyday covering my body. I saw specialists and no one could figure out what was going on. Finally read on the Internet that Effexor could be the culprit. My oncologist said get off it. Cold turkey, withdrawals for about five days. It still took about four months to clear my system and then overnight the hives were gone. Manufacturer of Effexor said it was like a .005 chance for this reaction,but I must have been the one in a million.
I thought it was great while it was working and I would still try it. Just in case you react like I did, I am trying to spare you multiple doctor visits and tests to figure out what the hives are from.0
