Great saying about depression
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Hey Ladies...here is my rant for today...but first..
yes Determined congrats on the new grandbaby on the way...ha ha Kate you are funny...I cant believe you dont want your teenage son to have a kid!?!? My nieces hockey team 2 girls were pregnant this season..one 15 one 17..the 15 year olds parents were THRILLED..I said who would be thrilled about being a grandmother at 35!!??
Also well put Kate and Determined..I think for me something clicked once I was done surgery and I am more accepting of how I look and since all the joint pain from chemo went away I definitely feel more like my old self. I think we all get there...it just takes time.
Ok for todays rant....I am so upset today. A couple of weeks ago a what I thought was a friend of mine watched Charlie overnight for me while I went out of town...this is the same person who cancelled on me the night before my NYC trip that sent me into a tailspin..the same "friend" I let stay with me for a week cause she was having a mental breakdown...well...When I came home the next morning I surprised her and caught her wearing a pair of my designer jeans and a belt. I said Are those my jeans and belt...she was like yeah my pants werent fitting me and I went out for a bit...hope you dont mind. I said no but please wash them and return them...that was 3 weeks ago...so something about that incident kept bugging me...not that she TOOK something without asking bu I have a very large walk in closet that at the time was cluttered with clothes clean and dirty..so i thought gosh she really had to dig through my piles to find those jeans and my belts are hanging in the very back of my closet. So this morning I was putting clothes away and as I was hanging up some belts I thought..my belts are really close to my jewelry box....you see where this is going. I opened up my jewelry box and first thing I noticed..two rings my mother gave me (that her grandmother gave her) were gone...box and all. One was a two carat sapphire with diamonds around it ring and the other 24 ct rose gold and three diamond..very old. GONE!!! I am so upset. I tore my closet apart for about 5 hours..I looked through every drawers..every purse in my closet everywhere...they are gone. I called my one friend who she is staying with right now and told her and she doesnt believe this woman would steal my stuff but really where are they?? Also since that morning when she ran out ...she has been really weird around me like she cant wait to leave. DId I mention her car broke down right before Christmas and cost her $1500 to fix..and she makes $300 a week. I am mostly mad at myself for trusting her in my house. A friend of mine pointed out how I was trusting someone I didnt really know and now I know she was right. My really good friend of 25 years who she is currently living with ...said something to her and she apparently got really up that I would think that but offered to return my house keys. I said dont bother I called a locksmith today they will be changed tomorrow. My mother will have a meltdown if she finds out those rings are gone. My mother was raised by her grandmother so they were extremely sentimental to her. Tomorrow I start my pawn shop search to see if I can find them. The are both very tiny so I am hoping I can find them. Tonight I am sad.
Thats it for me...I am beginning the search again. I hate to accuse someone without concrete proof but only two people aside from my sister have access to my house. NO one has been here and certainly no one has been in my closet. uuuuhhhhh so upset.
I hope I find them.
Di
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Diane that is horrible. I wonder if the friend she is staying with can search her stuff to see if she still has them. Can you file a police report?
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Diane, since she won't have access to your house again and won't probably be your friend in the future, what about driving over to see her face to face. I think it is horrible if she stole from you, but bottom line you just want the rings back. Tell her you know she was in a tight spot financially, and to just tell you if she took them and where they are. It seems like it would be hard to lie to your face. Either way, what do you have to lose? If she is offended...oh well, and if she took them she might cough up where they are. You didn't ask for advice, so if you are just looking for empathy, I am so sorry you lost something so precious.
Determined and Kate, would you mind if I paraphrased what you said about honesty and the journey for my blog? I think people think "she's been home for six months, why isn't she doing great?" I had PT today and I am so sore tonight. Just want to take a pain pill and go to sleep. The smile just doesn't come as easily as before. What's bothering me most tonight is the pins and needle numbness in the back of my right arm and side--just where the PT therapist was working. I can't stand for my bra or shirt to rub on it. Boy, I sound like such a whiner when I know many of you have it much worse. I know, don't compare. We are all unique and the journey is what it is for each of us. This is what happens when I get tired. Tears and sadness. I can't wait for the day I do something and don't first notice my foobs and how it hurts, pulls, feels, etc. Got to laugh, every time I type foobs it changes it to food!!! Maybe that is subliminal because right now I want a pain pill AND a brownie!0 -
I completed my search...no rings but did discover another sapphire ring gone. I never wear jewelry so when people give me stuff it usually collects dust before I wear it. I would have not noticed it for a while if I wasnt having a feeling that something was off. I forgot to mention...she used to work for a friend of mine and was fired ..she said her position was eliminated...NOPE she got caught stealing!!! She used the company credit cards to pay personal expenses for years and they threatened to sue if she didnt make resitution which she did...information I would like to have known before I gave her the keys and alarm code.
I will file a police report in the morning..mainly cause if it shows up at a pawn shop I can get it back. I would love for that to happen and for her to have been so dumb to have used her name when she pawned them. to be continued....
Good night all!
Diane
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Diane- I agree with Lindsey- go confront her face to face. I don't know about you but I can usually tell when someone is lying. Maybe tell her you don't want to call the police but if she doesn't return them you have no choice. So sorry this happened. I hate when we think we can trust someone and then they prove us wrong. It's such a betrayal. I hope you get your jewelry back.
Lindsey- Paraphrase away!
And don't worry- that day will come when you don't notice your foobs first thing. I find as time goes the time I do notice them comes farther and fewer between the times that I don't. I've been busy all day putting holiday decorations away and cleaning and have to say I didn't think about them once (until I got undressed, anyway). So it does get better. I know it's not easy to hear but I think where you are right now really is the most difficult phase. Just know it won't always be this way. (((hugs!!!))) 0 -
Diane, i am SO sorry that you were so badly violated by "thaat girl" def NOT a friend!!!file the police report, and i would ask the girl she lives with to "snnop" if she will.. maybe thats not right, but hey!!what SHE did is way worse, and she may "burn" the one she's living with, too....
Lindsey, what kind of "foobs" are you wearing?? i wear the foam ones, or the microbeads, and they don't irritate, nearly as bad, and also do the job... as for bras, a nice, soft one is in order..
ive been down and out the last few days, but the dr. has me on prednisone, as well as the levothyroxine, that im allergic to.. so, i know its physical. Fla has had a cold snap, and the le is screaming, so mamas not a happy camper...
i have an appt to meet a new "specialist" for the thyroid tommorrow night.. i've a feeling, he's just doing a "job" on people, OR he'll be really good, and i won't be able to afford him, as he does "unauthorized" testing.. we'll see. i don't dare to hope, in my present state of mind.. since the "choking thing" has crept up, i almost died, so it has me really scared, and wondering.. i survived all the stuff for bc; survived ms for 20 yra, and hypothyroids gonna get me.. its just the black hole again, and i'll feel better , in a few days.. just in time to take the damn levo again, and be sick for 3 days.. life's not sao rosey right now... sorry.
i'll be changing avatars for awhile. im trying to detatch from the 3 jays mom personaso bear with me.. i love my furbabies, though thats not them, so thought id try that.. some tweaking going on emotionally (obvy)...hahaha3jays
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Lindsey, it`s so hard for me to think of you sad as your avatar has SUCH a glorious smile on your face!!! I pray that Kate is right (she knows!!) and you are at your worst and the best is just over the horizon. Going back to work is an adrenaline dump to your system, too, so you have that to get over.
Diane, I was going to say to check her stuff at your friends house, but if it was the cash she needed, a pawn shop is the way to go. Sadly, they could have been sold at the pawn shop for Christmas gifts. I don`t know if the police can do much if they`re already sold (if not, they can take them out of the pawn shop) as the woman DID have keys to your house and permission to stay there. Without the rings for proof, there is no crime. Are you able to draw them well?
3jays, sweetie, I`m hanging in there with you. Finally got a surgery date of Feb 6th. As I need a bed for almost a week, that is the soonest I can get in for the surgery. I don`t leave the house much, maybe, maybe once a week. I`m just trying to stay as calm as I can, no highs, no lows. My FM just can`t take anymore adrenaline!!!
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3jays I am so sorry for all you are going through. That is why this is such a good place because you can say exactly what you are feeling and be ok with it. I hope this new doctor will be what you need. I have no idea where you are located but are you far from where the Mayo clinic is in Florida? Wouldn't it be great if you could get there for an evaluation?
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Hey ladies...had a busy day...I felt like I had to look one more time through everything before calling the police. Here once the police report is filed pawn shops are notified that the pieces are stolen and required to turn it over to the police. Last year there was a big raid and if they find what is known to be stolen goods the shop loses their license so most I believe comply. I hope to find them but its doubtful.
Thanks for the advice...I was going to confront her but she sent me a nasty text this morning about how pissed she is that I accused her of stealing and how she "never wants to be around me again" ..uhhh right back at ya sweetheart!! My reply to her was "I cant help but notice you dont deny stealing" I called her out on her theft at her former employer and she ignore those statements completely. I found out she didnt just take the company card to pay for a few lunches as she confessed to my BFF she used it on out of twon hotels...liquor store...salon charges...and she had been using the company card for personal expenses for years. This after she also swore to me she never used the company card but that a coworker did and she got lumped in.
So frustrating. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do but hope they turn up.
I hope nothing else is missing.
I had my stupid foot worked on today so I am a little in la la land and pain..heading off to bed to elevate and ice my foot.
Good night ladies thanks to all for the support.
Di
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And Barbe, i want to wipe that smile right off my xpicture sometimes! Hee hee. I am glad you have a surgery date. Now it is mentally preparing. I had a wonderful relaxation tape made specifically for my surgery by a friend. I listened to it twice a day and after every surgery I was told ther was very little bleeding. That was one of the suggestions! I hear insurance companies send out CDs for free to patients prior to surgery. I will be thinking of you!
3Jays- I exchanged from the TEs at my Nov surgery to silicone implants. I am going to a special bra shop to be fitted tomorrow. I will take WhippetMoms brand suggestions with me. I sure hope this specialist can help you. I must have missed yr post on choking. Was it over the holidays and what caused it? It sounds frightening!!
Kate- I know you are right and this is a season. I think a big part of this is going back to work while I am still healing, in pain and doing Pt. One of my bosses asked me today if I've been humming a Gene Aurtry song? I looked at him puzzeled and he started singing "back in the saddle again.". Nope not there yet but gave him a smirk--not my smile, but not a frown. They don't get it, I just need to let that go of that! :-) Barbe is right working is a big adrenaline dump. The energy it takes just to get up, showered, professionally dressesd and do my hair. Ugh, too much energy.
Off to bed. Nighty nite!0 -
Had a bad pain before dinner so I took some Zantac 300 mg. Didn`t go away as I tried to dilute my stomach acids with water. We drove to Walmart and got some Gaviscon and walked around but it got worse. They took me right away at the hospital and I`m just home now the next day. I have long QT pauses in my heart rythym that can kill me before I hit the ground!!! Found out Cymbalta and another drug I`m on could be the cause. Not a good thing!!! Now I need a cariac work-up as well as a gastro work-up...sigh. The joy just keeps on coming!!!!
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barbe so sorry not more to deal with!!!! I am glad they saw it on the monitor! Will that affect your surgery date?
Lindsey it is really hard getting back to work. I was so glad I worked from home so when the tears came or I felt so down or angry no one saw me. But it does get better except the fact that others don't get it. They just don't. And they won't until it happens to them or someone they love.
Di I am kind of glad you are not going to confront that lady as who knows what she is capable of. I am so sorry you lost those things that carry such meaning. I will keep fingers crossed that they will turn up at a pawn shop and you will get them back. Glad you changed your locks.
Feeling sad my best friend is dealing with a reocurrence and is missing out on some special trips she and her husband had planned. It seems so maddening. Sometims I think it feels like you are being carried along on this violent wave and tide and you can't do anything about it. You just keep getting pummeled. (sp?). I just want her heartache and all of it to stop.
That is why we are here for one another though. So we can listen and hold each other up.
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I`m hoping and praying it will not affect my surgery date of Feb 6th!!!! VERY dangerous condition, usually found on an autopsy report. I wonder if the universe was looking after me and got my horrid indigestion bad enough last night for me to go to the ER and for them to find the long QTs???
Just what I need, another friggin` CONDITION!!!!
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Barbe,
Sounds like one of those times that one thing led to another and you can be grateful it was found now. But Ugh!! More work ups and stuff to deal with sounds overwhelming since you are getting ready for surgery. I'm grateful they found it, but so sorry you have it to deal with another thing! In my DH's 2010 Christmas letter he stated "life is relentless," and that was before my reoccurrence was found in January! But it sure does seem like that sometimes. I will be thinking of you.
Hopeful healing - I would love to work at home most days. I have all that I need on the computer but with a boss that is 82 he is old school. I have so much reading to do, I said I planned to stay home today, but it didn't go over well. Maybe I should have just said I am exhausted! I slept almost 11 hours. Yes the tears come and it is hard to hold back sometimes. I like crying in my car on the way home. I circled around the long way yesterday so I could drive above the cliffs at the ocean. Something about seeing the water turns on my waterworks! I am hanging on to the hope that it will get better. :-)
Di- happy and successful hunting to you. Yeah, maybe a confrontation wouldnt have been best. I just hope you find it.0 -
Lindsey, tears are better out than in!! The energy used to keep them in just saps the life out of you.
Diane, I agree, those jewels are GONE!!! She may even have sold them to friends...!!! How violated you must feel.
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Awww Lindsey...you poor thing..I am so sorry you are feeling so exhausted and emotional. When I am tired and dont feel well...I could cry for days. Maybe you are pushing yourself too hard. My onc always said sleep when your body tells you you need it...clearly you need it. I hope you find some relief from the discomfort and fatigue soon. Your drive home sounds lovely despite the tears. One time I visited a friend in San Diego and we drove through Pacific Heights (I think ...where all the surfers go) and it was breathe taking. At least you are not stuck on the interstate in bumper to bumper traffic!! Hope the weekend brings you some peace.
Barbe that's frightening!! Are you stopping one of the drugs they think is responsible for the condition?? I would have that work up ASAP before your surgery..I know I had to have an ekg pre op and I dont think they would have let me go ahead if I had any issues. I hope stopping the medication resolves the long QTs. Glad to hear you got your surgery scheduled. Fingers crossed that nothing derails your plans.
I will be around all weekend. I had my stupid plantars wart dug at yesterday and still KILLING me..if I cant put my heels on ...I cant go out.
Happy Friday!!
Di
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Diane you crack me up. Heels? I would have to dig a little to find some. I had to dig to find scarves and belts for work. My dream would be to have someone organize my closet. We have a small 1924 bungalow so the closet is really small for two of us.
I have to admit, I would like to order a 34DD nightie for our vacation to Hawaii in June. DH might ask, who are you and what have you done with my wife! :-)
Get a load of this. Went to have a bra fitting today and the first bra was so tight I couldn't breathe. I asked what size did you measure, and the gal said 34DD! OMG, DH would probably like DD but I certainly am not that big! She said your rib cage is 34, but from what I saw on the bra thread you add four inches to that. So i would wear a 38. I walked in in a 38B, but i admit I dont feel a lot of support in what I have. PS said I would be a full B small C, but as the swelling goes down, I think I am on the B side. When I called DH afterwards and said I was a DD, we both started howling! I told the sales lady i dont know my cup size only the CCs and she said "these PS don't know a thing about sizing. Your breasts are that of a 14-year-old." I asked what that meant and she said "full and upright--you know, perky and they will stay that way."
Of course I had to throw in my line that I preferred sensation to perky, but that was lost on a 20 year old. I am sure she thinks old ladies like me (55) don't have Or think about sex! :-)0 -
OOOOhhh Lindsey, get the sexy nightie!!!! Nothing like lingerie that you leave on to make you feel secure about ANY part of your body!!
Diane, neither drug can be stopped cold turkey, I have to wean myself off. I have gone in half as per the ER doc, but even that is pretty risky, but the danger to me is more dangerous!!! As for the surgery, I HAVE to have the tumour out as it is impinging on my breathing and veins to my head. In fact I even asked the ER doc if it could be what is making my heart beat so badly but he said no. I thought maybe it had grown down behind my sternum (like my last one did 10 years ago) and wrapped itself around my heart on the way down!
I`m hoping it`s as easy as stopping these two meds and putting beta blockers in their place. The only other option is a pacemaker implant defibrilater!!! The alarms were going off all night on my heart monitor as I was lying still in my bed. Can you imagine what it must be doing as I`m moving around? Holy crap!! Intereting that I have been laying pretty low, not going out and not doing much around the house. Like an instinctual preservation of my oxygen. The Mayo website says to not do anything that causes excitement!!
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The Mayo Clinic website is my go to website for medical information too!
Lindsey guess what size i am...ha ha 34DD. Of course I started out 34c/d. My PS said to get the projection I was used to he had to use a wider implant. I am fine with it since most of my 34d bras still fit and most of my clothes fit. You dont even want to know what size I was at my first exchange. We'll just say I measured 38 inches around...and I believe some Gs were in there..they only lasted for about 2 weeks and I downsized twice to get it right. Now I am very happy. The other funny about hte DD is those are my initials and some peeps called me deedee or double d before and now it just fits. LOL.
Well I go to my PS Friday for a final check on my new nip before touching up the tattoo. I will be sad to be done with him cause he has been my biggest source of support since being dx. I love love love him!! I will still see him twice a year for my B
Hope everyone is well!!
Diane
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What is a B? Why are you seeing him for a B? Can I get a B?
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I love the quote that depression is NOT a sign of weakness. I needed to hear that. I am not depressed, I am just a victim of too much change. It has been suggested that I start taking anti-depressant meds. I do not believe in them as my thought process on this subject is that it is up to us to work those endorphins in our brains and think about what changed to make to alter the thought process out of negative thinking. But to each their own. That's all I've got. Thanks for hearing me.
Blessings to all of you ladies.
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welcome Cycle-Babe! You are still so early in your diagnosis. Give yourself time to heal physically then the emotional will follow.
Diane
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Diane, you missed telling me what a B was!!!!
Erin, some of us have chemical imbalances in our brains and not just simple clinical depression. Without meds it's like a diabetic without her drugs. I pray you can get through your depression without needing antidepressants, and as it sounds like your only trial right now, you may be able to do it!! Congrats to you.
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Cycle-Babe: We have a similar mindset. My doctors number 1 complaint about me as a patient is I often say no to drugs. With emotional matters, I had to learn at a young age to just work it through in my own head and that has come to serve me well. Hang in there, I think you are on the right track.
Barbe, unlike you and most people, I would be that tiny fraction of 1% who mind altering drugs cause an opposite reaction and might end in suicide, aggression or a psychotic break. Just as well as with my tendency toward OCD, there is no reward and therefore no incentive to ever become an addict.
Barbara
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All that said, if someone ever asks me to give up my drug of choice, coffee, it will not be pretty.
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The hard part is, with all the meds out there, we don't know which ones will improve things for us and which ones will just go horribly wrong. Drugs for other things have interfered with my brain chemistry. Drugs for my brain chemistry have made things worse. It is such a lengthy, exhausting trial and error. And, barbe, you and I are similar in that things will work for years and then stop being effective. My ultimate goal, of course, would to be drug free. (If for not other reason, the money saved could be spent on fun things!) But, there's me on anti-d's and me off anti-d's. The one on them is much prettier. LOL! I think there's still some confusion and stigma with depression like it's a weakness of some kind. There is situational depression which can be a mind over matter thing. Most of us here, though, have chemical depression meaning the chemicals in our brains are just "off". And no mind over matter is going to fix that. Like barbe said, it would be like telling a diabetic they don't need insulin. It just doesn't work for some of us. But, during the course of BC treatment, I think just about all of us encounter moments (days, weeks, months?) of situation depression that most of us move on from. (I think statistics say that something like 25% of cancer patients become depressed either during or after treatment.) Some of us may get stuck, though. And even though you may not really be chemically depressed you can still benefit from short term anti-depressant therapy to get life going again. Only the person experiencing it, though, can determine if they are at that point, yet. And there's no shame in admitting you may need some extra help to process all this.
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Barbe the B is for BOTOX. I started using it after I aged 100years from chemo.
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Having a really hard day. About three weeks ago I was searching the threads and saw one that yelled "attitude and humor" so I read it. It was written by 44 year old Zoh. She became an angel yesterday. I've been lighting candles for her every day. She wanted enough time to take her 10 year old son on a vacation. She didn't make it. We had not heard from her for about five days, so we were all getting worried, but hoped she was on vacation. I have not yet encountered anyone on this site that has passed and now within one week, two women on that thread have flown up to heaven.
It is sobering. It has really has me pissed off about the Pollyanna pink stuff. And why have they moved the recommended age to 50 for your first mammogram if the need is to catch it early.
Kate, I keep thinking about your comment about us needing to be strong--walk for 3 days to show we are strong and courageous. . . (paraphrasing because I am so tired and brain cells are on overdrive). But now that I've returned to work, I feel this "expectation" to prove I have a great attitude and have overcome, etc.
I think professionally I need to wear a mask--not be fake just not reveal everything. It's like a therapist told me years ago, camouflage is protective--use it to protect yourself. I need to go buy some army fatigues.
I am all over the place. Very sore from 2 hours of physical therapy three times a week (though it is helping), tired from going back to work, Zoh passing, and finally my own sadness as I realize the loss of something precious to me--my breasts. I hate it when women say "what do you need those for, you got new ones!" Yeah that don't work! I need to go walk and sweat a little. I am up to 8 blocks now! Don't get excited, they aren't too long. :-)0 -
Aw Lindsey, I remember the first angel after I became a member here. My poor DH...I woke him up crying that Toyful had died and he thought I was talking about one of the kids! It's hard to get to "know" some of these gals and then just lose them. It was with (Elizabeth) Konakat dying in June that my body finally shut down and I went on disability. It doesn't get easier with time, I can tell you that!
Kate, unfortunately, you're right. There IS still a stigma with drepression. Anyone that say's "just get over it" or "mind over matter" hasn't really had depression. It's like someone who says "I had a migraine this morning". REALLY???? When I used to get my migraines they lasted 3 days, I lost weight and burst blood vessels in my eyes from the pressure. All the whites of my eyes were RED!!! THAT my friend is a migraine!!! It's not a HEAD ACHE!!!! Depression isn't "feeling sad" or "blue". Depression doesn't match any country western song!!!! Depression is the inability to FUNCTION. Get out of bed and pee. Don't want to, think I'll pee here. THAT is function!
And how ironic that some anti-d's cause depression and thoughts of suicide!!! Such a fine balance it all is. WIth heart issues recently I had to go half on my Cymbalta and my Seroquel!! I'm amazed I haven't gone squirrely yet, my doc and I are ready......it's been since Friday.
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Barbe: You are so right, what a fine balance it all is. And still the FDA has issued warnings about using certain anti-depressants in some age groups because they can cause depression and suicide.
I was a teenager in the 60's and drugs were rampant. Go back and read your paragraph on depression and function. If you tried a drug when you were fine before and it CAUSED that and that wasn't even the half of it, well all I can say is I am not a masochist. The couple of times that has happened to me were enough for a lifetime. The drug given to me for a dental appt. which should have been calming and even perhaps put me to sleep actually had me freaking out and nearly hanging from the ceiling by my toenails. Another instance of being one of the "lucky" few to be in the 1-5%. I do fully understand my reactions are rare and have no relationship to most of the rest of the world.
Barbara
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