Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
Comments
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We seem to be in the same place emotionally. I'm beginning to like my freedom more than the thought of being married again. Maybe after almost 30 years of marriage I don't want to compromise anymore. Perhaps that's selfish but at 58 years old an 2 cancer episodes I feel I also have a right to be picky about men. I will never settle just not to be alone.
I have been forcing myself to get out of the house and do things and it does make me feel better. Still so very tired most of the time. I had hoped after my thyroid was removed and I started on the Synthroid I will feel much better which hasn't happened. And my voice still sounds awful. People can hardly hear me and I have still have some swelling. But there's a lot worse things that I could lose so I guess I will deal with it.
Hope everybody is well and for you northern ladies, hope spring is around the corner.
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I just don't see any reason to settle. I also feel like I have survived to 'do' some things, more than just following someone else's agenda. I do think men tend to want to lead, to put it kindly. Sometimes they expect to. I want to be me. I think we may be in a similar place.
I am tired alot too. Maybe all the emotional stuff in addition to treatments just are so tiring. I am still exhausted so often. Plus we have had other issues to deal with too.
My good friend at work is having her thyroid surgery for a large tumor in May. Two biopsies have proven inconclusive. She is hoping to feel better afterwards but mostly hoping it is not cancer. Denise - take care of yourself! Truly.
I am in the North. We have gotten a little sunshine over the past two days. Still cool overnight. Still....Sunshine is good
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Howdy all -- I haven't been around in a while -- I decided I was spending too much time sitting inside, when the weather was finally getting nice enough to really get out and walk -- work on preparing the garden... and I finished up the last college course I needed to get my Associates degree! (only 40 years in the making that little piece of paper!
Anyway -- I guess all I want to say is that I never meant for anyone to 'settle' -- just that we can have more fun with people (including men) if we stay in the moment, and stop 'second-guessing' how they will be for the long term. Like any friend -- a man may not pan out to be a long-term relationship -- and that is OK. There might be some interesting conversations and experiences on the road to finding out if there is more... and no one can possibly know (immediately) how someone will be in the future... we don't even know how WE will be -- because every new opportunity or conversation can change us (sometimes radically) and change the things that we want to focus upon...
Even if there is something that originally irritates you about someone -- that doesn't mean you can't enjoy their company or learn something new/exciting from them. In fact, the little quirks can even become endearing, if you begin to fall in love with that person, for the (potential) myriad of OTHER 'ways that they are'.
I just know that for me -- when I gave up 'expecting' the (unknown) love-of-my-life to be some certain set of behaviors and appearances and ideas -- and just began letting the men I met show me (through some time and shared experiences) how they acted and (as they came to trust me to have more intimate conversations) as they actually spoke about and shared for themselves what they thought and felt in various circumstances -- I could begin to appreciate the complexity of THEIR fears and dreams and insecurities -- and truly see them as extremely complicated multi-faceted people. Suddenly EVERYONE was fascinating -- even if I eventually decided (or they did) that we didn't want to keep spending time together.
I think one of the keys for me was that I met people through E-Harmony -- and I set my paramaters to connect only with men in (beautiful) states far away from Kansas (where I had lived for my whole life, and where I had wanted to leave for YEARS). Because these men lived far away, we stayed in conversation for at least a period of weeks via only email -- (I found that rushing to talk on the phone usually diminished the depth of the conversation -- and the longer we stayed in email contact, the more I was able to learn about the ways they thought and what their true interests were, not just what they SAID was important to them, but how they actually were every day...)
Anyway -- if a man couldn't (or didn't want to) sustain a long email communication -- then we didn't get far, and that was OK with me, because I knew that one thing I wanted in a man who the ability to think deeply and the willingness to share -- communicate his thoughts. I had some GREAT conversations with these men -- about religion and philosophy and death and dreams and books and movies and all sorts of 'concepts' -- conversations that went well past 'what I did today' -- although some of that 'checking in' with someone at the end of the day was nice, too...
By the time I was willing to go visit one of these men, I had at least several weeks (and with my current boyfriend, more than 3 months) of very revealing emails and then longer and longer phone conversations... so I had a very good idea of who they were and that I was interested -- before ever even meeting them.
And, occasionally, when we would finally meet in person: No sparks at all. And I would be a little disappointed that there was no sexual attraction, but I am STILL in communication with a couple of these fellows -- because we had become friends. They are still extremely interesting people! One was an artist, who lived outside of Santa Fe... (he has since moved to Florida, or I am sure that Les and I would have had dinner with Mark by now
A couple of others became several-month-long love affairs... but I found that the longer we waited to become physically intimate, the more I got to know them, and whether or not we really were a good match. Once sex gets into the mix... it seems my brains fly out the window... and I can no longer see clearly...
The reason I am posting is that I have worked and worked and WORKED on this 'relationship' thing -- and 'finding the love of my life' -- for my ENTIRE adult life. I have learned a million lessons along the way. And -- for me -- the thing that really set me free and readied ME to be a great partner in a great relationship was to release any old disappointment about my 'failed 20-years' with Bill, my 'failed' 8 years with Dan -- my various broken engagements -- my 'being left when I thought I was pregnant' -- my 'being left for another woman' -- etc etc etc.
By beginning to understand that not only did I do the very best that I knew how to in each of those relationships -- realizing that the men did their best, too... it softened my heart to the idea that no one was 'to blame' for the 'failures' -- in fact -- they weren't even 'failures' -- I could view them instead as 'experiments' and 'lessons' -- and begin to VALUE those relationships for the lesson and even the entertainment value (they sure provided a lot of drama -- which I apparently craved back in those days
and each was certainly an adventure! It just happened that none of us had very good 'tools' to work with to understand the other, or even ourselves. And, if each 'failure' can now be viewed as a 'lesson' -- then each 'mistake' brought me closer to understanding how to 'do relationship' better the next time I had the opportunity. Each 'mis-step' brought me towards where I needed to go -- to better understand myself and how to BE a better partner!Letting go of the bitterness, and seeing each relationship as a learning experience and an 'adventure' allowed me to begin to let not only the old lovers, but the new men who came into my life be just be just exactly who they were -- and not some 'role' I expected them to fall into.
My 'embracing-the-curiousity-of-who-they-might-be' and my 'having-no-expectations' allowed them the space to bring whatever they brought. I stopped trying to 'see Bill' or 'see Dan' in the new men... but I also even began to see that Bill and Dan (and all the rest) actually had added some GREAT stuff to my life... and even though those earlier relationships were tumultuous... they educated me to what is important to me, and I became aware that I wanted a relationship that was filled with PEACE and TRUST and COMPASSION and LAUGHTER and JOY.
I didn't know what that would look like. But I actually posted that in my E-Harmony profile -- and (with time) if the conversations I had with men were not providing those qualities -- we quit communicating in a pretty natural way -- we found we just weren't on the same page.
Long posting, sorry.
I wish everyone here JOY. I post to say that even at the ripe old age of 56 (I am now 58) I was able to finally find what I had been searching my whole life for. That even my breast cancer gave Les the opportunity to step up and show me what a great man he is. And -- that if you use your intellect more than your emotions to choose your friends (and who to turn into a lover)... and let your past simply be your past -- and are able to value all those old experiences as lessons that allowed you to stretch into the (great!) person that you are now... then you can begin to value yourself as a wonderful person who will naturally attract OTHER wonderful people... and then anything is possible.
Like attracts like. Be happy and happy men will naturally find you. Be peaceful and compassionate, and the men you find are much more likely to be the same way...
Our emotions are like radio stations... and we DO have the ability to change the channel. We don't have to be afraid. We can decide to just get the job done. (heaven knows breast cancer teaches us this one -- the fear doesn't help a thing and only intensifies the traumas -- but if we take a deep breath and know that the pain of the surgery or treatment will pass, then it sure seems to pass more quickly).
My best to you all
Linda
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Hi friends - just checking in after a long hiatus. I get email from BC.org posts on my phone, tend to not go to the site.
Update: Not dating. Online dating has lost its luster for me and I dont really have room in my life right now. I am driving my 15 yr. old around, to his soccer coaching, his new job, etc. I am putting more effort into making some new girlfriends through church and nurturing some of the older friendships that I have and that has been fun. I find our generation pretty stressed between their own illnesses, their parents illnesses/deaths, jobs, money, etc. All of them seem to need some kind of support. I am about to expand my role in my church too so I am looking forward to that. I am going to co-lead a grief group. Our pastor has been doing it but is retiring soon.
There is someone in my church who I am interested in. He is older than me but not by a whole lot and seems very, very nice and warm and cheerful with sparkling blue eyes and a great smile. He is active too as an elder/usher/whatever else they do? He only attends the service that I do though about once a month. I struggle to think of how to approach the situation. He walked me out to my car in the winter and cleaned off the snow and then last week gave me a big hug in greeting (Christian hug? more?) Idk. I might make time for him if I could see him enough or figure out what to say to him. lol. Its nice to feel some genuine interest in someone again.
id like to figure out how to run into him more often..........0 -
Husband here.
I am here to tell you that you are all beautiful.
You may feel that there are those who will not 'fall for you' now, but truth be told----none of us EVER had what it takes to capture EVERY heart... just the RIGHT hearts. The character of the man or woman who would look at anyone of us as polished gold rather than damaged goods was ALWAYS a necessity----because nobody here should want to dedicate their own heart to someone who would abandon us if breast cancer touched us AFTER we met. You have a finer screening tool for knowing who to love... and for knowing who's love to cherish.
Less time wasted on those who would only have proven to be unfit to dedicate yourself to.
I met my wife 12 years before breast cancer touched her. I asked myself: "would I be as incredibly attracted to her as I am now if I met her AFTER her breast cancer?"
My answer is "YES----if I was fortunate enough to be SMART enough", because she is the heart for me.
There are hearts out there for you all. It will take a smart man or woman to know that YOU are the heart for them. But doesn't it ALWAYS take the right person being smart enough? You, in turn, will have to have the wisdom to know that THEY are the heart for you.
There are good hearts out there, DREAMING of you RIGHT NOW.
Find them. Make their life. And treat yourself to the reward that is dedicating yourself to a quality partner. It is not only possible, it is highly probable----if you want it. There are wonderful souls who are attracted to your very best qualities. I feel sad NOT because you cannot find love, but rather that you might THINK you cannot. Because you CAN.
You are a treasure to be loved and cherished and held. Now go do someone else a favor----and make THEIR dreams come true by finding them.
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Cott45 Your husband's post was very inspirational and beautifully written.
Blessings to you both
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Just a drop in, haven't been here for ever so long. DBF and I have had a strange relationship. ON,off,on,off,on,off etc. What was nice was trying to tell him to be easy on the foobs, he really liked them, and wasn't put off by the scars and that they were implants. But I think were in a permanent off.....at least till tomorrow, or next week. He's not a quoting kind of guy and he quoted something last night. Can't even remember, but it was good--floored me. I took a guy who was a great worker, but had no idea about cleaning up, gave him progressivly great haircuts, and cleaned him up. Now, he wants his freedom. LOL
He's amazed how people treat him with his progressively new look. The last haircut and eye trim, even surprised me. Also, within a week of this he's talking gone. We will see, but now I to can move on b/c his waffling isn't doing it for me. So.....................
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A house makes a better fixer upper. Hope you are hanging in there. On off, on off is never good. It is time that could be spent seeking a better match, if that is what you would like.
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mybee, what a hoot, "a house makes a better fixer upper"
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Someone mentioned CancerandCareers on the financial forum. GREAT web site for all things employment I added it to my thread for newbies Just diagnosed -get prepared. Also, found another web site today, that I have included the link for, it is evrything you would like to know about saving money on drugs. The question and answer below the links are in regard on how to make the system work for you re: meds received in a cancer center.
Edit:6/6/13 Found two new web sites that are a must to review. One is on saving money on drugs. Start with 'home" page , then the really helpful page is the "About Us" Pg. Link is to home pge.
This next link is dedicated to most of the need to know info regarding work and cancer. BCO has much information on the main borad, but this link is much more expansive
HAVE A CALL OUT TO MY RESOURCE PERSON:If you bring in the coupon taken from the web site to the cancer center, will/can it be utilized to help pay copay ANSWER to question NO.
Per my resource: This is how to make the website work or other resources work for you while receiving cancer meds in a cancer center, SPEAK UP and let them know you need financial help, best to do when you have initial contact with CC. What they then do, if they are connected like mine, they go through their resources the same we would, but would be contacting as a a provider. Grant money or assistance can be available under all kinds of circumstances. Do not assume you make too much money or b/c you have insurance, money is not available. If say you get turned down initially, recheckin should circumstances change.
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I try
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Hi Everyone! Doing well here, feeling physically better every day and having much less depression. Maybe I should have had my thyroid out years ago before I had to go on antidepressants!
Rejoined Christian Mingle but after a week I realized I still don't want a man in my life. Most of the guys my age look so old but the younger ones will eventually want to have sex and I'm not really into sex anymore. I have absolutely no desire and I am okay with that. Since I joined for 6 months, I just utilize their message boards and that's it.
Having been working hard on cleaning up some of the negative items on my credit report so I can buy a small, single family house or a townhome. I'm hoping to buy by August or September.
A man in my life right now would just complicate things. I don't want to complicate my life. I am content, not deliriously happy, but I will certainly settle for content.
I have had a small flat mole on the inside of my leg for a couple of years and now it is changing color and looking a little irregular so I guess my next appt will be with the dermatologist. I'm beginning to hate doctors so much that I have put off going to the dentist since I received my cancer dx back in April of 2011. I must do that real soon also.
So I guess most of us haven't found love after our DX & treatment huh? Maybe we should change the title thread to "We haven't found love and we don't care"!
Having a man in your life can be wonderful but there aren't many good ones left at our age. I hope to never make the same mistakes again.
Don't miss Tony at all, isn't that strange? We email back and forth on occasion but he was far too right wing for me. I'm a Bible believing Christian but he is just too out there, won't watch TV unless it's a Christian show. We really had nothing in common so he is just a blip in my life.
The only thing I ever wanted was my own house and this time it will be all mine, obtained through my own efforts. It is a good feeling.
If I were to die tomorrow my only regret would be for my children that they will be orphaned in their 20's. I feel better in the last few months than I have in 20 years. My voice is still not back to the way it was and since it is has been 4 months, I don't know how much better it will get. When we are out somewhere, like my niece's college graduation this past Sunday, nobody could hear me when I said anything. Guess I should start learning sign language!
Christian Mingle has what they called "Mingles" where people in the same general area get to do a meet and greet so we can get to know the other members. There hasn't been one in my area yet but wouldn't it be great to do that on here?
I think about all of you often and if any of you live close (I know Painted Lady does), maybe we could meet up somewhere one day.
I will try to come here more often but since I don't have any romance to discuss, I feel kind of stupid coming on this board to post.
Denise
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Denise. I'm a bit the anti romance myself. Spent too much time looking, and frankly generally happier without the guy. I may go on dates here and there but I'm OK with just hanging out with me. That's good though since the only single guys I meet are gay. :-)
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There are a lot of women who don't feel complete without a man but I'm not one of them! I'm enjoying being single now. It took a while after being widowed but I know I am just not marriage material. This may change but for right now I answer to nobody except God!
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Denise - loved your earlier post. I guess the title could be changed to Didn't Find Love After our Diagnosis and Treatment. I think a few earlier in the thread did but those of us who lingered did not. I think it was a healthy thing that we began to take our time, emotional selves and psychological well-being more seriously after finding that we had not always done so in the past, not that we meant to have it go this way or are to blame for past mistakes. I am still working on liking and loving myself now in my post BC life. So much has happened in the past two years; relationships have shifted, our children's needs have changed as they have grown, health issues continue to require loving attention. I try to work now on taking care of myself medically, spiritually and emotionally as an act of self-love; it certainly does not come easy. I think that it would take a pretty sensitive guy to recognize that I am at that place, respect it and respect me. I do think the available pool of men is small and those my age are looking for women in their 40's preferably without children; for my age group - I am 55 - you are right Denise, the men (this sounds terrible to say, really do look old as it is men in their 60's who seem most interested). They generally want to spontaneously travel too, which I can't do at the moment. I know some wonderful, devoted and caring men, husbands of friends, or men I've met in dealings related to my Dad's death or through work. I really believe that they are wonderful men and great, not perfect, but loving, stable and devoted husbands. I am happy for my friends who have found these gentlemen and try to accept that I did not have this same journey and forgive myself for it. This is an ongoing area for me.
I have lost 7 lbs. this past month, while still eating healthy and have increased my exercise. All good. I am trying new meds. and other things - too much to go into here! I thank God for BCO!!
Take care my friends. I wish you peace and love
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Hi Ladies
It has been a while since I typed something lol.
I have gotten into alot of mischief! I was married 3 months ago yesterday. I am just telling you all because it has been difficult to type this: It seems like a disaster. After we were married for less than a month he called me a bitch and told me that I am stupid and demonic.
Yesterday, we were arguing and he threw my dog at me and hit me in the side of my face with her. He then denied he did it. I called the cops. He was not arrested because it was mu word against his. Any way he left. What a mess!!!
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Oh No! I'm so sorry to hear this. Is he gone for good?
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I am confused. If I get rid of him I am really going to be in a financial dilemma. I checked with Social Security and I would have to be divorced from my ex for at least 2 years and I will have to divorce this one. I don't know how much more I would get if I can wait out the two years.
I recently had a cardia cath due to coronary artery blockage. I would have had to come up with $656 when I was admitted to the hospital if it was not for his insurance.
This monry issue really is a stumbling block for me.
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If you get marriage annulled would that help matters?
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Hi Denise
Thanks for your post. I am really down today. I just experienced another round of name calling by him this morning. He the yells and talks over me so I cant defend myself. Today he called me a liar and an idiot over and over. He frequently challenges my relationship with God. He has severe mental issues but he cannot see it. Everything is my fault.
The man needs a doormat; not me. I told him to go back to his exgirlfriend; she would probably put up with him for a while. I asked him why he is here since he seems to hate me. He doesnt answer me. I have investigated an annulement. Doesn't seem like I can get it.
I really appreciate your post. I feel like I am drowning in d deep hole if that makes any sense.
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To all, we all have discussed chemo/ anethesia brain. We now can call it anesthesia/chemo/drug brain. This article is in AARP magazine. It discusses the drug classifications that can cause memory loss. It describes why each drug class can cause memory loss. It gives specific names of drugs. It gives alternative drugs that can be substituted. I would suggest reviewing it with your prescribing doc if you have concerns regarding any of your meds. I also suggest you put it in your favorite places on your computer. Also, printing it off for future referrence if you have a printer. Please, pass this on to other BCO friends, friends etc.
sassywww.aarp.org/health/brain-heal...
Haven't been here much in alongggggg time, but this artcle is a MUST SHARE type with those I care about
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PaintedLady - I don't know what to tell you other than I am here if you need to chat. If you want I will send you my email address.
Denise
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Hi Denise
Thank you for your kindness. I will send you a pm with my email address
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Wow, it has been awhile since anyone has posted on here. I have this on my favs list to see how love is after cancer. haha I do have a question, so hopefully someone is still watching this site and can answer. When should you tell someone? I am meeting someone tomorrow after work that I met on Match. He seems nice and we both have two sets of kids. One older and our younger set that are both 6 very active little girls. He has already asked about my past 2 years which is when I was battling cancer. I just told him I took some time off from dating to get my head straight. Which is not a lie. With cancer I did have to get my head straight and wrapped around the fact that I was actually battling it. So when should I tell him?
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2miracles,
I went to a survivorship conference a couple of weeks ago and the speaker about relationships said she recommends telling on the fourth date. That way you are not overwhelming them with info early, but you are also not waiting until you are very attached. Also that lets them get to know you as you first. Bc is not your identity, just a part of you.0 -
Thank you!
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2Miracles,
I told my beau ( I'd previously been in a 20+ year marriage) right at the gate...best thing I ever did. When we met he knew I'd had a suspicious mammogram. And that the needle biopsy said severe atypical hyperplasia. ..& he stood w me through lumpectomy & them finding actual IDC...found out my dx on my birthday. He had JUST FALLEN IN LOVE W ME at that point...;) He was by my side through ALL of my gajillion biopsies/tests AND was fine knowing I wanted a BMX! This wonderful man stayed w me in the hospital till 1:00 a.m. for 4 nights in a row after my BMX surgery & saw me in acute pain, helped me to the potty/ IV & all, etc.
Then through my fills /recon/surgerieS...and quotes, "I'm gonna date you hard & then marry-the-shit outta you."
ROTFL! And he did and is...:)
Only reason we aren't engaged YET is cuz my divorce isn't quite final...;)
Vi
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I'm with Placid here on this one. I was thinking (prior to reading her reply), maybe 3rd date or so. Find out if you have an interest in him first, rather than wondering if he'll accept you. Then if he has potential, there will probably be a way to work it into conversation naturally, say when talking about health issues, nutrition or something. After you tell him, you can find out what he's made of!! Good Luck!0 -
Probably a good idea, mybee...
I was a high school friend of my beau (never dated him though & hadn't seen /talked to him in years )...& we had both been through soooo much when we finally met up, that we just decided that we needed to throw everything on the table from the start...
But if he'd have been a total stranger, I would've waited a bit...
Vi
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Paintedlady, How are you doing? I hope things are better for you!
2miraclesmom, how did it go meeting the new guy from match?
Placid44, A survivor conference sounds very interesting. I really wish there were more things available for survivors after active treatment ends. It is such a strange, difficult, lonely road trying to find the "new normal".
Violet, What a bummer that they delivered the news to you on your birthday, sorry to hear that. Really good that your beau has been so supportive.0
