Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
Comments
-
Well, my pathology report came in and there was cancer. My surgeon said my endocronologist might want me to do radioactive iodine but there was no sign of cancer in my lympatic system so I doubt I will do it.
0 -
Denise, sorry to hear your results ... Please do what is recommended .... You are in my thoughts and prayers ... (((Hugs)))
0 -
Denise - I have been thinking of you and praying for you since I heard your news. I am so sorry that this has turned out this way for you. Hopefully everything is very early and can be treated and you can continue to move forward. Weigh out all the information and do what is best for you. I know you are depressed these days and do know your sometimes sense of hopelessness can be overwhelming. I am hoping this doesn't effect your treatment decisions.
Blessings.
0 -
Nomadicme - You are young and potentially have SO much life ahead of you. It is easy and hard to feel down; it's tough to stem that tide. Think seriously about the things you need to do and DO them) that is the hard part. I'm sure you have lots to offer - with or without a man - there is obviously more for you to do here with your gifts. Blessings to you too!
0 -
Nomadicme - You are young and potentially have SO much life ahead of you. It is easy and hard to feel down; it's tough to stem that tide. Think seriously about the things you need to do and DO them; THAT is the hard part. I'm sure you have lots to offer - with or without a man - there is obviously more for you to do here with your gifts. Blessings to you too!
0 -
Hello Ladies
Denise Just read your post. So sorry about the results. I agree with Joanne and Mybee: Please make a medically sound decision.
Joanne and Mybee Hope you are doing well. I wonder how Stanzie is doing?
Blessings to all of you.
0 -
Painted lady ... We all must be hibernating ... How have you been?
0 -
Hi Painted Lady
Long time no see. Denise - You are in my prayers daily. Please keep us up to date. (((Hugs)))
0 -
Hi Ladies
I have been fine. How are you all doing?
Guess I have gotten kind of lazy with posting. I do read your posts.
Been seeing a guy for a few months now. He usually takes me out alot. He is on a job today; so I thought I would take a little time and post.
Have some errands to run than I am having lunch with my son.
Have a wonderful day/
0 -
Hi Everyone! Thanks for your kinds words. I see my endocronologist later this month. We will talk about what I need to do, if anything. In looking up radioactive iodine treatments, it is scary because you are actually radioactive for awhile and not allowed to be around babies, children or pregnant women.
Legal Aid is taking our case to get visitation rights with my 4 year old granddaughter and after 9 months without seeing her I want to hold her & hug her and not be afraid to touch her. I didn't take my doctor's advice about chemo and so far everything is fine.
I told Tony I didn't want to see him anymore. I don't see the relationship progressing anymore and I just don't see a future with him. I don't know if I will even bother dating. I've tried Christian Mingle, Match.com and Plenty of Fish and have been disappointed in all of them. I figured I would find a decent guy on Christian Mingle but the guys I have met are all waiting "for a sign from God" to see how to deal with relationships. I'm a Christian but I think some of them are just using that as an excuse not to commit.
How do you meet a man and tell him, not only do you not have nipples or areolas but now I have a scar on my neck too. Does a man really want to get involved with a woman who may not be around in 10 years? While I want to be upfront with men about my cancer, I don't want to tell them too soon but I don't want to wait too long either. It's a hard situation. Plus my 25 year old son still lives with me due to his "issues" so I fear no man will want to get involved with me with all the baggage I have.
If I feel better about dating, I may just go ahead and get nipples and then the areolas tattooed. At least I can look in the mirror and not feel like such a freak.
Mollie how are you dealing with your father's death and all the legal stuff?
Painted Lady - do you like this new guy?
Joanne - how are you doing?
If I missed anyone I'm sorry. I don't come on here very often anymore but I think of all of you often. Keep posting some good news about dating!
Denise
0 -
Denise Good to hear from you. I am sure that you will make the best decision for you when you talk it over with your doctor.
When I was on the dating sites, I did try Christian Mingle, but it didnt seem to have many men in my area. The ones it did have did not look very appealing to me. I did speak with one of them on the phone and he had an issue with telling the truth about his real age. He became very defensive and angry when questioned. I hung up on him. He called back and left a message apologizing and saying that he would like to continue to talk. I refused to talk to him again. I did meet another one but when I told him that I was divorce twice he rapidly lost interest. I didn't care because he did not appeal to me and I had no intentions of seeing him again.
I went on Senior People Meet. I met quite a few men there... and you know all it takes is one.
Unfortunately, by this stage of the game they have given up half their retirement in divorces etc. That would not be good for me. I met someone a little younger(3 years); so he is still working and his retirement is intact.
To me money is important. I think to myself I can be poor by myself. I want a man to financially provide for me.
We shall see what develops.
Oh I tried Match.com for a few days and didnt like it. Was getting matched with guys that were too far away
0 -
Hi ladies,
Dating - All of the things you said Denise could have been written by me. Sometimes I get close to deciding to meet a man say for a first coffee, and I can feel the anxiety building in me, gradually. It takes a while to realize that is what is causing it. I just feel irritable. My oldest son has a mild disability too. I don't really want my life to change too much either. It took me a long time to get to this place.
I am planning to have my 'nipple' done in April and tattooing in the summer. I hope the doctor can make the nipples line up though - I have gained so much weight that my 'natural' breast is now larger and lower hanging than my other;I wish I hadn't had the small implant put in there now, but that's okay. I used to be an A-B and am now a full D (this due to overfilling by my first PS). I look fine in a bra but the thought of being naked now.......I feel rpretty anxious about it. I was always so comfortable being naked before. Aging is a part of it too, of course.
I have been communicating with a guy for a couple of weeks and he is suggesting we meet soon. He contacted me first. (This is on Christian Mingle). They have a question 'body type'. I put down that I am average. This man says he is seeking a woman who is slender or athletic. He is 58. Athletic, really? He doesn't look athletic. Great job, intelligent, educated (I think actually a little full of himself and his success) but just the thought that he put that AND my weight is up, makes me want to just say no. And I think that is what I will do. I don't want to be under that kind of pressure. My prev. bf was like that and I always felt nervous that he wouldn't love me anymore if I gained weight (I typically yo-yo). Turned out he didn't love me anyway.
Denise - I am sorry to hear things didn't work out with Tony. That is very hard; you are brave to break it off. I do think guys are afraid to commit in mid-life and I don't think they see any reason to, really. I think on-line dating contributes to that sense that they can just shop around for a new model and keep on going. Maybe that's too severe but it seems that way to me. My old bf found a new gf online in one month; obviously he was only interested in certain things.
Christian Mingle has been better as there are far fewer fake profiles and scammers. But yeah, I haven't really found anyone that has appealed to me. The guys don't seem very attractive. Or maybe that is me and my low sex drive. I was almost about to meet someone else on POF but then he did and said a couple of things that I felt were signs of insensitivity. I think they were red flags. I guard my heart pretty well now.
Dealing with my dad's estate has been very hard, due to the complexity, huge time commitment and emotional impact. I am in a grief group at church and that has been good. The estate time commitment should be slowing down soon. I'm still not speaking to my Mom and things are very strained with my sister.
Not sure what to do with the dating thing. The timing still seems a little off. My kids are older but my youngest still needs a lot of time and the other two sometimes need you at a moments notice. Trying to find me time........
Still think the cancer was a life changer for sure.
I feel accepted here.PL - I'm twice divorced too. Sooooo nice to hear from you
Molly
0 -
I sometimes feel like I should put down in my dating profile that I am a cancer survivor just to weed out the insincere guys. I'm okay with not having a man in my life most of the times but it is nice to dress up and have someone take you dinner once in awhile.
0 -
Oh Denise- I haven't been on the boards for a long time. I'm so sorry things didn't work out! But you know I think you were thinking the whole time. I don't think you lost your head which I think is very good and very strong of you. It is so so very hard for all of us and you could have just taken the easy way out even though it wasn't right for you or really for him in the long run so be proud of yourself. I haven't had many relationships but those that I have had I held on to even when I shouldn't. I look back and regret staying with some for so long just hoping it might work in the long run. So, I know it was really hard to do but it is for the best and you are stronger for it... Anyway, I too can't imagine telling someone about not having real breasts but I guess for now I think if it works out and I meet someone then great but just trying to hold myself and kids together at the moment. But Denise... I am sorry as I remember when you first met Tony and I know it is hard... so thinking of you! But you are so pretty and so talented and kind you will find someone really special... all of us will!
0 -
Hi Stanzie - Nice to hear from you. You wrote a very nice message there. I could relate to the 'holding on too long' thing. I've done that. I think it's sometimes a bonding thing. The same hormones that make us great Mom's make it hard for us to let go too.
Meeting a guy from Christian Mingle tomorrow night. First time I've done this in over a year. I'm not hoping for big things; at this point just hoping it is not too awkward. We'll see from there. He goes to church and is in a men's group. Still a hard worker with a successful business and educated too. Have NO idea when I would tell a man about the BC. He did tell me in an email that his mother died from breast cancer due to recurrence. I suppose that was an 'in' but I feel that it's still pretty private for me. I'll tell him if and when I know him better. I guess I'd like him to see me as a person first, not necessarily as 'the one I met online that had breast cancer'.
Just hoping to have a nice evening.Denise - how are you doing with everything?
0 -
Well I went on my date. In trying to change my type I think I have gone way the other way and am not sure how I'm feeling. He wants me to go to church with him Good Friday at his church. It's like, say, an hour away. Feels so far. Then maybe go to Panera (on a Friday nite). I get the sense he's fairly frugal all the way around. He was nice. Very religious. Much more so than I am. I don't know how I feel about that. And I like my own church. It's only 10 mins. away.
He carries around his ipad everywhere in a case with a handle like a little pursue. He took it into the bathroom with him. Says he uses it like a smart phone and then doesn't have to use reading glasses, then just uses a cheap phone for calls. That was different.
(I had one of those spanx cami's on all night. I felt like I could hardly breathe). Dating is sure fun at this age.
It was nice to be out and about some. That part was good. I seem to be attracting alot of pastor/deacon types on CM. I think I have communicated with four different deacons or about to become deacons now. Must be something about my profile.........
How's everyone out there
?0 -
Hi there .... I think if you are second guessing yourself then it isn't right. Do not settle ... Take care of yourself.
0 -
Yeah. I know what you mean. It's kind of a feeling......How are you Joanne?
0 -
mybee -- My advice is to give the guy an opportunity to show you who he is past the superficial stuff about carrying a computer that looks like a purse.
"Dating" is lots of things -- but mostly it is about getting to know some new people and enlarging your world to include new activities. It is a great opportunity to stretch a little and try new things. It can be exciting! And you don't have to marry this guy -- but he may become a friend, or introduce something/someone new into your world.
Sure, you like your church, but just because you go visit his church once doesn't in any way mean you would change to his church -- only that you get to experience something new -- meet new people -- and even better -- see this man with people he knows -- get to see who some of his friends are and how people (who know him better than you do) repond to him. Listening to his pastor will be an insight into who this man is, and what he believes.
I was on E-Harmony for 5 years... and I had lots of great experiences with a very wide variety of men. Each and every one taught me something new -- about the world or about myself. One introduced me to Landmark Education -- which absolutely changed my total outlook on Life -- and although that guy wasn't the 'right' guy for me -- he was an ANGEL to bring me concepts that literally changed me from being an unhappy/lonely/fearful person to one who lives in gratitude every single day for whatever Life brings me. These concepts sustained me through the death of my father -- and now my breast cancer... changing both (what could have been called "tragic") events into an opportunity to grow larger as a human being... a challenge to become a more compassionate person.
I am SO glad I am not living with that guy ... but I will thank him for the rest of my life for exposing me to something new -- that I obviously needed -- but wouldn't even know existed if I hadn't dated him (for 7 months).
Anyway -- an idea that a (male) friend told me about was the "10 date" rule. A woman he was dating told him (from the beginning) that when meeting someone new, it took 10 dates to get to know someone sufficiently -- before she would go decide how she felt. That meant (of course) that my male friend was champing at the bit for what he considered would be sex on the 10th date -- but in reality, they never made it that far -- before the 10th date, she had decided that my "kind-of-crazy-and-extra-testosterone-filled" friend wasn't someone she was interested in having a more involved relationship with.
But it gave her a buffer zone, in which she could learn who he was, and make a rational decision -- not rush to judge him, see him in varying circumstances, meet his friends, see his house, hear his thoughts, see if he was a positive/thoughtful person... and how well he respected her boundaries. Plus, I was amazed how much he anticipated that 10th date!
My own boyfriend (who I met in my 5th year on EH) had a similar attitude. He lived in NM and I lived in Kansas City, so we had 3 months of phone calls and emails before we actually met. He came to KC for 3 days, and we never even held hands! He was extremely sweet and attentive, but no physical contact at all that first visit -- I actually couldn't tell if he was just being polite, or shy (although he didn't seem shy) -- but he was charming and took me out all day every day to movies, for walks, to restaurants -- and I showed him my town.
When I came out to visit him... it was a similar experience, and when I left I still wasn't sure how he felt, but by then I sure knew that I not only liked him a lot, but that I was intrigued that he wasn't rushing... and I experienced (for the first relationship of my life) NOT rushing-to-have-sex.
My second visit out here -- we kissed like crazy, but still slept in seperate bedrooms... even when he had to know that I was 'ready'... and in the morning, he said he wanted to explain to me that his not inviting me into his bed was not because he didn't want it, but because he saw sex as a promise (of a continued/serious realtionship) and that he didn't make promises he wasn't positive he was ready to keep.
My third visit was total fireworks! And -- now I live here, up in these beautiful mountains, with the best man I could possibly imagine. It was only 2-3 months after we became sexual that I was diagnosed with my breast cancer -- and it was then that he invited me to move out here and let him be my partner in this B"bc adventure".
His politics are conservative, I am a liberal. At first I wasn't sure I was attracted to him physically (now I think he is an incredible hunk of man!). At first I could have (and did) judge him about all sorts of little (unimportant) things... but by going-so-slowly we were able to get to know each other past those differences... and find not only the comonality -- but the new things we had to offer each other. Our conversations were very stimulating -- not argumenative -- respectful of the other's (often differing) opinion -- and each of us has learned a miriad of new things from the other.
In the past, I had always been attracted to very-intelligent (and very-traditionally-good-looking) men who tended to be a little loud/opinionated -- exuding a strong sense-of-self. Les is not those things -- and so at first, I was unsure if I was attracted to him. His face is weathered -- and he is bald. He is not 'traditionally-good-looking' -- and in our first meeting, I admidt I was disappointed he wasn't a bit more "George Clooney". But now -- wowie-zowie!
Anyway -- what about just enjoying "being out" and let this guy reveal himself to you a little more?
What about just enjoying what you do about him and the new experiences/ideas he can offer -- and try the 10-date idea... where you feel no pressure to move too quickly ... and just relax into this new friendship to see what might blossom?
I wish you the very best -- Life is about HAPPINESS. Sometimes we get so busy looking into the future that we forget to just enjoy this exact moment. Every single person we meet may have some new idea or experience to share with us that could potentially change the rest of our life for the better! Something about this guy connected with you when you corresponded through CM -- so probably there is at least some potential fun to be had... I hope that you find it.
Best of luck,
Linda
0 -
I am going to go to Good Friday services with this guy. I have a pretty good sense of the reason his marriage failed. It's hard dating at this time of life. But I think it will be fun to see a different type of worship service and it was nice to talk to a man for a change. I'm thinking of it as me time. We'll see how he strikes me on a second date.
The thing about the ipad and the case, really, it was just a joke. I would never judge someone on something so superficial. But I do think I picked up on a bit of a controlling tendency, we'll see. But people get nervous and guys can get a little strange, develop some 'hobbies' when single; sometimes they just don't know what to do with themselves when getting out of a long standing marriage. So I changed my plans a bit to spend some time with an intelligent guy who shares some of my values. Not too shabby. I will let everyone know how it goes. Emailing with two others now too.......
April 1st. I'm calling it 'New Nip Monday'. Wish me luck
(I wonder if it will hurt since my breast is numb???)
0 -
Well I chickened out and cancelled my plans for Friday with this guy. I had lots of anxiety about it today, almost a panic attack. I have to listen to my feelings. I see red flags that are too detailed to share here. (That have nothing to do with the case for his ipad; I'm not that shallow! I was just making a joke ladies.) And I like my life; I don't want to change me for someone else and I see the signs that is what he would want. I have learned to trust my feelings and learned it the hard way. Or maybe I am just still not ready to date. We will see in time.
You know, I want to comment a little on the above post. I think dating someone 10 times when you see red flags.....why? It feels a little phony to me and certainly I think 1) he would be expecting something and 2) he would be wasting his money (I don't want to do that to someone) and 3) it would be wasting both of our times. My time is really precious and I am really busy. I am past the age of exploring just to live life. I have a life of my own that I have created here and kids who keep me firmly rooted here. My job is demanding and I am growing my girlfriend life and church life all the time. Besides, if I haven't learned anything as far as assessing compatibility in almost 33 years of dating - minus 16 years of marriage and of course long term relationships - well then, what am I doing? Sleep walking through life? I like getting to know men through email and finding out about other people but my time is at a premium. And if the company is not enjoyable - hey, I could be home reading a good book
0 -
Mybee, you did what was right for you.. We need to trust our gut. I agree that 10 dates seems to be a bit to many. You can get a good read on someone on a lot fewer then 10. Take care Molly, maybe you aren't ready yet. I certainly need more time.
Joanne0 -
What makes you think you need more time and why do you think that is? In the past I have always been okay with jumping into the game. Not that it was a great approach but I always believed in living life. This is very different now and I am not sure why...............
I just am not trusting men anymore.
How is it for you?
0 -
I appreciate your support
0 -
I think because breast cancer beat me down a bit and I need to build myself up .. This means losing weight and emotional healing... Not there yet. Maybe if I met someone it would be different but I am not going to actively look yet.
Make sense?
Joanne0 -
Well there are a number of us here who had bad experiences or divorces or something. That is one reason we are single. After I read your post earlier today I was wondering if it might be esp. traumatic or maybe frightening is a better word, to go through breast cancer alone. Without an intimate partner. I don't at all mean to minimize that which others go through and I could be wrong here. Maybe difference is the word I am looking for. You certainly see that as someone I know once said "We enter the world alone and we leave it alone". I think maybe you face your own mortality more starkly. I don't know. Things don't seem to be righting themselves easily. I think you will know Joanne when it is time for you. I like to get my toes wet every now and then but don't really feel ready. Wondering if I ever will..........perhaps there is a different path for me, a different purpose. I am glad we are here for each other.
I joined a book club for fun. A friend of mine from work invited me. We met tonight for the first time. All the women were married. The book was only a small part of the discussion. They talked about their plans for the holiday with their families, trips - lots of trips - upcoming and in the past - to Hawaii, Italy - Rome, Naples, Venice - New York and how many times and where they had been, renting a condo for a month next year in Florida, taking a cruise together - a girls cruise. They talked about their husbands, their own part-time work or retirements (in their 50's) and other plans. Full of life. They were nice women but I didn't find much common ground. Money in my older age is a worry for me, if I don't find a partner. I guess the trick is to live for today. I wonder sometimes 'how did I miss the boat?' These women were all (there were maybe 9 of us) in long standing marriages. But I do know how I missed the boat. I just wished it wouldn't have sailed without me.
Sounds like a pity party, yes? I realized tonight that I'm lonely but too afraid to really mix much with others. Finding it difficult to trust anyone but some church friends.
0 -
Looks like none of us have anything going on with our love lives.
0 -
I went on a disastrously awkward dinner and a movie date on Saturday. He was all talk. Wonderfully romantic online, nothing in person. I always fall for the talkers. But there were signs before we met so I am getting better
His profile actually said 'I love romancing the lady in my life' but when the bill came he gave me the sad eyes. I offered to put money in. He said it would be better if I paid for the movie. So I did him one better and paid for the Starbucks too. I offered to do a simple meet for coffee, but oh no - he really wanted to do dinner/movie. I would have rather spent the money going out with my kids. Live and learn. I am really wondering if he even was who he said he was. He said he was the supervisor/systems analyst in IT with a top 10 fortune 500 company but he had a slide out keyboard phone??? And don't get me started on his clothes.I loved the movie btw. Beyond the Tall Pines, I think it was called. That Ryan Gosling is a doll. Pretty boy if there ever was one. In a good way. In a great way. So you can see my libido is coming back and that is good. Am talking to my next prospect now. He seems nice. A teacher. We'll see. Lives an hour a way but says he'll come here.
Life is improving.
How are you doing Denise? What is happening with you medically? I got my nip and tattoo btw. Wish I would've waited for a prof. tattoo artist to do it but oh well. May need to get it redone, maybe next year. It is nice to have a nipple again
0 -
Hi Molly - the doctor wanted me to do the radioactive iodine but I've decided not to do it. My margins were clear and my research has shown that this procedure could lead to leukemia later on in life. I don't want any other problems.
Not dating and I'm happy about it. I'm trying to buy a place of my own and get my son's issues addressed so I just don't have time for men. I've given up on finding someone and I'm really okay with that.
How are the nips & tattooing looking? I still haven't done mine but like I said, I have a lot going on right now. We go back to Legal Aide today about visitation with my granddaughter. I hope she remembers us as it's been over 10 months since we saw her last and she turned 4 in December. I don't remember much from that age.
0 -
I had my nipple reconstruction done and am so glad I did. It has made quite a difference. Even if it flattens some in time, it will still be better than what I had, at least for me.
I am pretty picky with the online dating. I have had two dates in one year. I am becoming more and more happy with my life and have found that I have a lot to do that is good and fun and nice. I am slowly getting to a better place as things are calming down for me. I am always talking or emailing some prospect but usually find the fit is not what I am looking for. I really am not in a mood for compromising much right now. I have a good friend at church who couldn't go to church yesterday because her husband wanted her to help him with the remodelling at home; he was not respectful of her desire to come and sing with us, worship and see her friends. I would rather be alone than not be a free agent any longer. My freedom has been hard won.
I am hoping things go well with seeing your granddaughter and the legal situation. This must mean so much to you. Let us know how that goes.
0
