Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I don't know what ages everyone is but middle age and upper seem to me to just want to be married and have someone take care of them. And they want sex! Yes I think they are lonley and want conversation and to do things but all that is down on the list compared to someone to take care of them, Oh look pretty when you go out and sex. I want someone I actually want to be with and vice versa- someone to talk with and share life and laugh and be there for each other and help each other out. Too often I think they want to sit back and be waited on or will take you out but if they want to go out then that is what will happen now matter if you dont' feel good or are exhausted. Grrrr....
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I am talking to a relationship expert via Skype tomorrow. We will see what she has to say.
I certainly would not be interested in waiting on or cooking for a man at this point. I did that. Stanzie, you described well what I would be looking for too: companionship.
BTW - I am 54.
Molly 6/30/11 Rt. UMX w/ silicone implant reconstruction. IDC, DCIS, Pagets.; Onco. score 16. No chemo. No rads. AI started 8/3/11. 3/17/08 hysterectomy for cervical CA w/ HRT, no chemo.
Diagnosis: 4/6/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-0 -
Okay - so I talked to my relatonship expert yesterday. Part of what she is working on with me is becoming a whole and healthy person, that is supposed to attract a healthier guy to you; you don't come across as if you have so much baggage or will be so much work or too needy and able to be taken advantake of. So how do you do that ? Beats me. She did some emotional processing over losses. I can only do one more session with her. But the free BC counselor sees the same thing in me. She said it's sort of like an empty nest syndrome. My husband and children were my life, then Tony made his life mine. Now the kids are in and out of the house and don't need me as much, my daughter is leaving in the Fall, oldest lives with his Dad, Tony got custody of all the couples we shared, the cards club, etc. (takes his new GF now
) ....so, I don't know who I am now. $ are still going to the kids, but the company they used to provide is very different. Finances are a bit tight as far as exploring me. Today - saw my onc., will start Aromasin, took myself out to dinner, took a nap, went on the treadmill for 1/2 hr. (to try to take care of myself) and played solitaire, watched Sex and the City. Tomorrow lunch with two girlfriends. Got a case of the blahs but am trying to pull myself out. In the past finding a 'new' man was always my answer for boredom. But looks like that plan has backfired for the last time.............
How is everyone? You're my support group you know!
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So here's the continuing saga of my tow truck driver guy. . .he's been calling every other day or so and is as sweet as can be. He's in the process of gaining custody of his 5 and 7 year old grandsons so our conversations revolve around them, pretty exclusively. I can understand that this a major event in his life right now but after, say, the fifth call, he has yet to ask me anything about myself. Hmmm. Maybe he just needs someone to vent to right now. Pretty soon we'll have covered that subject in it's entirety and maybe then he might ask something about me/us? Good thing I'm not in any rush. . .
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I hear you Molly, you are a beautiful woman!! I can so relate to the whole empty nest thing and desiring a companion. With you sister! xo
RAk, have you thought of making a comment like, um, don't you care about who I am??
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Thanks Love! I have just lined up some free exercise therapy and yoga for BC patients, in addition to the Reiki and counseling. I am really glad I found a Dr. close to home because now I am finally finding some resources as well as volunteer opportunities. It took some digging and asking specifically for support! With you too sweetie!! xooxx
Rak - Funny I have an old BF calling me, connected through FB. Says he's happily married and he is nice to talk to but......he is animated when talking about himself and sometimes doesn't seem to hear me when I'm talking about me. I can feel him glazing over on the phone! When I used to date I would let the man talk about himself, becuz I heard that men like that but really....what kind of a precedent does that set up? When I'm ready I'm going to talk about my interests just as much as theirs. Maybe you want to start interjecting some of your own stuff into the conversation, see if he's interested?
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Good idea mybee. I almost get the feeling he's being too polite to ask so next time I'll interject something about myself and see if I get a response.
Can you tell me more about Reiki? My cancer center offers all sorts of support services and that's one I'm interested in. I especially love their hour long touch therapies for a mere $35!0 -
I've been reading all of your posts and I can relate to all of them. If a guy doesn't seem interested in what you're doing, what's important to you, maybe he's not the type of guy you want. But then again maybe he doesn't want to pry. My update. I've been out with B. about 4 times now. I really like him. He's just a normal nice man. He's about a half inch shorter than me, but it doesn't seem to bother him. He's 3 years younger. I like that he put together Easter baskets for his 4 grandsons. He's still working and is renovating a house for his mother. He's hardworking and does ask and remember about things going on in my life. No real bells going off, but I'm leaning toward thinking that's not so important to me anymore. Maybe just a caring committed relationship. Sex is part of it of course, but I don't have to feel my heart skip a beat when I see him. Am I crazy?
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Hi Ladies
How is everyone doing?
Twoputter Your pooch is adorable. How old is he/she? As far as sparks go, that is only temporary anyway. It also interfers with seeing the real person: The important part of a person is their character because that is what makes or breaks a relationship. When you look at the guy, do you think you could kiss him?
Rak I agree with the other ladies, the guy just may feel like he is prying. Maybe he is waiting for you to say something.
Mybee seems like you are finding activites to do: that is great.
Well sisters. I am livid right now. I have been talking to a guy for a couple of times. He was going to drive here from the east coast of Florida.today. He just called to firm up the direction before he started driving.. He mentioned walking on the beach after we went to lunch. He said "maybe we could hold hands or even kiss, but it is up to you" I told him that I am taking everything slow. I am not in any heated rush. I want to get to know the person. With that, he suddenly got a call from his work that there was an emergency and he had to go to work. So, the meeting was cancelled.
Right after I spoke to him, I went on the dating site and there he was available to chat. I sent him a nasty message. He claimed that he can't stand liars and he is very honest. So much for that!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Ok I am done with the rant lol
Be back later
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Update
the guy calls me back after the nasty message I sent him and says "What is going on? I am on my way to work". I said "Oh really then how do you know that I messaged you" He said " My brother was on the site and he told me. I t is my brothers profile". With that I hung up on him and blocked him on the site. The whole thing sounds utterly nuts!
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paintedlady - another liar and a player. So much for him. Good you found out now.
twoputter- your dog is absolutely adorable. makes me want to get anther one. almost. I think B. sounds like a pretty solid guy. I think sparks and chemistry are almost a red flag at this point. Very true that character and values are what we need. The companionship sounds good too as long as he seems physically 'likeable'. I think physical attraction can grow as you learn to love someone. My counselor, who has been married at least 25 yrs. says her marriage started as a friendship. Gradually she began to realize that she loved the man. He is her best friend and she is very happy with him.
Reiki is energy work. I didn't question it; I just did it. It is suppose to release negative energy and replace it with positive energy. I find it a very relaxing and 'releasing' half an hour. I would recommend it to anyone. I love my practitioner and like that she is in my life. She is a very spiritual person.
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B is not unattractive so maybe he will "grow" on me. I really view love differently now than I have previously. I think having someone who will be there for me and I for him is very comforting. At this stage in my life I'm less critical than when I was younger and just want an easy mutually supportive and caring relationship...someone to enjoy the ordinary days with.
My puppy is almost 4 months old; I am enjoying her a lot. She's fun to play with although house training is not so much fun. I'm trying to sell my house so I stay busy watching Maggie to avoid accidents on the carpet.
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I remember when I was Catholic, there were readings that were referred to as 'Ordinary Time'. Not festivals or celebrations or anything else but ordinary. Yet the ordinary was sacred. Ordinary days are predictable, soothing, calming, and filled with little joys. St. Therese of the Roses, spoke of the sacredness of every day acts and blessings. and it is true. If we find someone who we can enjoy ordinary time with, we are truly blessed. So you are on a good path two putter.
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Watched a movie with my exH and youngest son tonight - Bridesmaids - very funny. After my son went to bed talked to the ex. Told him I cannot do a friends with benefits thing with him. Now understand he is not a casual sex guy either, but since we have such a tremendous past...........Told him it's either in or out. That if I have sex with him I will fall in love with him and have expectations of him and that if he is not prepared for this, then we should not be physical. He is uncertain if he can meet my emotional needs. I told him I could stay his best friend, but that after a while I would date other men, maybe in a year or so. Basically, you're either in or your out. He said he didn't know if he was capable of giving what I needed, which is is the absolute truth. Sad.
I have to say, there was a point in 'Bridesmaids'' where the women ordered seven and sevens, T. used to drink those when we were at the bar and I felt so sad. We used to have so much fun dancing and going out...... listening to bands, enjoying the club or the night air. I know he was an a##*%@## but man, we had fun too. Why did he have to be such an a##@*##. And why so not there for my cancer!! So hard to wrap my head around.........
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Understood molly, sounds like lots of mixed feelings! xo
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Mybee
So sorry that yout are going through this emotional turmoil.
Don't know what to say to help you.
Sending you cyber hugs
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So sorry you are going thru this Mybee... I'm having trouble sorting out my relationships also, not only with D. but family and friends.... This stuff is not easy. I will be actively seeking counseling, when my father gets out of the hospital. Staying with him at night at hospital very little sleep....Blah Wishing All Of You Well !
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Molly...how long have you and your ex-husband been separated/divorced? I know it doesn't solve everything, but time does help one get a clearer perspective. Hindsight...blah, blah, blah. I still don't have all of my former relationships figured out, but then I don't spend too much time thinking about them anymore. Trying to sort things out for understanding is good, but some things you just can't see until you have a little more distance. ??
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Thank you everyone for your support. I am okay with my exH. however it goes. He is being honest with me and that is good. He had emotional intimacy issues during the marriage and it was a huge problem. Looks like they are still there. But I love him like family and always will. I was married for 15 yrs., am divorced for 5.
Sorry for the bit of a rant last night. It was late. Had a lovely Easter. I hope everyone here did too. Long day, saw lots of family
I have never been in this kind of emotional state for so long. I am starting to wonder about my sanity, sometimes. I have made a decision to gradually go off my Effexor as I believe it is causing weight gain.I have been taking it for one year. And then I started thinking.... I have two friends who did very badly on Effexor. I am wondering if the mood swiings, anger, tearfulness, depression and occ. suicidal thoughts are being exacerbated by this drug! It is a possibility. I am also going to stop all drinking to try to be clear headed. So much in my life is going so well.........it truly is .I would like to be grateful for my freedom and joyful.
I wish joy to all of you too!
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Mybee - you're in such a difficult situation: to love someone that much who can't give back what you need. I'd truly be at a loss as how to resolve the issues and would seek ot couselling for objective help. There might be much more going on with the relationship then you're even aware of!?!
OMG to you all, I met another guy in real life! Seems this has been happening when least expected. Stopped at the local convenience store to buy beer for the hosts of my Easter dinner and see a cop in the store from the corner of my eye. Exited the store, put beer in trunk and there he is asking if I was going to drink that on the way (laughing). We chatted for a long time and he soon discovered I'm single and then asked if I'd like to have coffee sometime. Sure, I said and exchanged #'s. Turns out he's not a cop but an animal control officer (saw his truck too). He was all handsome in his uniform, well-spoken, etc. When I returned home from the Easter dinner, he had left a message that he enjoyed meeting me earlier and hoped we could get togetber soon. It was too late to call back so we'll see if he calls again. I hate calling guys this soon after first meeting. And my tow truck guy has been calling every day too! Seems like it's feast or famine! So if I play my cards right, I could have a bf here in Tucson and another in Phoenix where I spend half my time. Feeling like 16 again!0 -
Raku, - Wow, that is wonderful! I know that feels good and makes you feel so much more self-confident which I think we all need.
Molly- I'm so sorry. I can hear how sad and torn you are. I too was married for 15 years and divorced for 5 and my ex and I are basically friends and have even traveling together taking my son to camp but there will never be anything more. I do appreciate that he will help out in an emergency. I think he was very hurt when we divorced but it made him realize how he wasn't a good husband and I think he has tried to work on things. It won't ever work again with me but maybe someone else someday, even thought it would be very strange.
I think it is good you all had that talk and hopefully he will be able to truthfully let you know what he will be able to do or not do.... Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through such turmoil but it is good you all can be friends for the kids. I do think that helps them tremendously.
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Raku - It is very nice you are meeting these men in real life. Very cool. And they sound so nice too. Btw - how old are you, you hottie?
Wondering how it is that your odds are improving.........you must be sending out a very positive vibe. Good for you.I think it best that my ex H and I stay good friends who can work together around the kids. Even though I filed for divorce, it was because I was tired of hurting. Loving unavailables is not an uncommon thing for me. He is a good man if he has his space and then we can be there nicely for the kids and I can move on. But I will let him come to his own conclusions. He blames himself entirely for the divorce, my subsequent emotional turmoil with T. He knows he was not the husband he could have been. I always wondered if we had gotten marriage counseling how things might have progressed, but now I can say I tried. Altho' I guess I can say I tried all through the marriage too. It is great for the kids if you can get along.
How is everybody doing today? I am back to work tomorrow............no kids here today. All busy with their own friends, as it should be ...............
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Hi Ladies
Hope everyone had a nice Easter.
Mybee I just had this idea and thought I would share it with you: There is a group called DivorceCare. I don't know if it is in your area. I went to my first meeting last Thursday. The group watches a video than they have a discussion. It was good in that it allowed some people in the group to share their pain and sadness.
Rak Congrads to you that you are meeting these men in real life. I am having no such luck.
You must be a young hottie! I am over the hill! lol
Stanzie and Mybee you all look like hotties too. Do you get men chasing you?
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I have not met a man in real life for 20 years, when I met my exH. through a friend. It was kind of a fix up. I got hit on by my divorce attorney, my most recent handyman, a guy I went to HS with, a furniture salesman who sold me my bed. All married creeps.
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LOL - painted lady- I agree Molly is beautiful but in real life the men in my life I can count on one hand. Men NEVER are interested in me - not sure what vibes I must send off but never dated..... but thanks that is nice of you to say.... Anyway, I"m on my way over that hill too....
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Thank you for the compliments. I think you are all beautiful women.
Men used to be interested in me in the real world but I think I have been putting out a different vibe for a long time now. And I don't really know how many are actually available and actually interested anymore at my age. I do look at ring fingers and most of those I see are attached.
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Good Morning Ladies
Lots of times I go out to eat alone. While I am sitting there in a restaurant, I look around at the couples sitting there. And, as I am looking at the couples, I think "how come these women (most of them look awful) have men. I don't understand how they can get men and I am not having any luck.
POF has been horrible lately. Hardly any messages. Went from alot to almost none.
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paintedlady --- I often think the same thing --- and yes sometimes it drives me crazy.
I have met some great guys on POF but also some real idiots. The really nice ones sometimes think that they want a relationship and then when they get close put up a wall and back off. I met one of these guys in October 2009 and we dated for a couple of months and then he backed away --- afraid of many things -- then I heard from him again in 2010/11 and saw him a couple of times --- and again the same thing. Just around Christmas this year I sent him a message and asked how he was and that I had been thinking of him. We have been seeing each other since then -- however "seeing" might not be the right word. We talk on the phone and get together at one of our places for dinner and tv or cards -- nothing more. I might be just a friend right now but he isn't pushing me away or shutting the door. His circumstances have changed a bit so I think that is making it easier on him. His ex is constantly at him and is now back at the lawyer for more money --- so he has sold his house and moved into an apartment and quit his job --- he has retired from his "real" job so does collect a fair pension but had to get this other job to help pay the child support ... at the time of the separation he had just retired (they were together) and they could manage but when she wanted out of the marriage and he had to find other accomodation and pay child support for 15 year old triplets ...
I know long story --- anyway -- I believe that since he sold his house and does not have the extra income he has relaxed ... he can manage the apartment and he knows that his ex cannot come after something he doesn't have -- it goes to court shortly.
I am hoping that eventually he realizes what he has with me but I cannot push things --- sometimes they are so insecure and scared that they run the other way.
Did anything I say make any sense?
Joanne
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Joanne, it all made perfect sense. It sounds like your guy has been dealing with lots of heavy stuff and needs time for everything to settle down. I think it's kinda nice that you can get togetherwith him sometimes and not be pressured to have sex, etc. Why not take it nice and easy with him and still keep your door open for other opportunities!
By the way, I'm no spring chicken - 55 years old and all the treatments and crap have really aged me prematurely so I don't know what kinda vibe I'm sending but something seems to be working. Just got a message from a new guy on pof. That had really dried up for me for a long time so maybe guys are getting frisky with the arrival of spring?!!? Wishing you all a wonderful day!
Lynda
Oh, the animal control guy called again and wants to have coffee later this week.0 -
Hi Lynda, thanks for the note --- I am doing my best to go slow and not pressure him. The nice thing is that he does know me and has since before BC so ....
we had a nice chat at xmas when I was waiting for surgery so he has been there through all with either calls or visits --- but he is still "shopping" on POF --- I have not asked him about it yet. My profile has been hidden for a long time especially while waiting surgery and then the unknown treatments.
To add one more thing to what he has been through .... shortly after he and his wife split -- and everything was split and he bought a house close to her for the kids .... he discovered that she left him for another woman --- OUCH !!! what does that do to your ego?
Now go for a coffee with the animal control guy and see how it goes .... one step at a time ... just like everything else we are faced with here ...
Keep me posted.
Joanne
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