Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Hi Melp - gosh you are soooo young! Sorry for joining the club.
So not sure what possessed me but I went to my old emails and read back correspondence with BF - OH My!!! Over and over I say the same thing and Maybee unlike you it took me 2 years!!!! to quit the relationship. No wonder I'm not gun ho about trusting another man. He took such advantage of me - it makes me so angry- angry and him but way more angry at myself!!
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Stanzie -- I have been where you are and the next step is to delete those emails -- they just cause more hurt -- It was such a healing day when I sat down and read and deleted .... you need to in order to move on. I know it is hard but it is one more step closer to getting rid of the anger and hurt.
I don't mean to offend you but it took me forever to get over someone --
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Stanzie I know what you mean: First I got mad at myself for a long time than I got very angry with him. At first, it felt surreal. I couldn't believe he conned me. Plus, I had a diffiucult time believing that someone could be so evil.
That experience made me way less trusting of men. But, I think someone should earn my trust now. I no longer give a man a blank check on trust.
Joanne Have you also dealt with a psychopath?
This is scary that we have encountered the same type of men.
Rak You must be really hot to be getting on these dates. You go girl!
A good site to read about psychopaths is called lovefraud.com
Welcome Melp
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I am reading - Women Who Love Psychopaths. I think it is a bad title but a good book. Says some of our best traits are what attracts these guys to us and us to them. I think that is the biggest drawback of the book. Doesn't leave much hope for change. But Annie Kaszina's stuff does - she is my English therapist but she has a great website with loads of info. I would like to respectfully disagree on deleting emails. I printed all of mine from T. - even the ones from POF - did that in the beginning out of 'love' and WOW - they have been an eyeopener. The man began to misrepresent himself and his values at about the 3rd email. This is called impression management. He deluged me with loving emails for about 6 mos. There was no way I could have seen through that wall of romance. That is very typical for an abuser too. Once he firmly established that he was a great guy with great values, caring involved Dad, etc. - -none of his other behavior fit that image and new info. just did not compute for me. It didn't fit for the man I thought I knew and loved!!. Stanzie - try not to beat yourself up (altho' I do it too). These guys can be so slick, Their best friends don't always know who they are. Look at those Scott Peterson and Ted Bundy types. They can be quite good (altho' our men are not murderers obviously, but still). I truly did not realize until about 6m os. out of the relationship how much T. misrepresented, lied, avoided answering, wavered, LIED.......it is sickening to me now because I just didn't know and didn't listen to my own instincts. In retrospect I think he had a porn addiction but it never occurred to me when we were together.
Well....quit the Effexor a week ago and now my sex drive has come roaring back. This means I am feeling healthy but is also a problem. Trust issues and sex do not mix
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thanks for the welcomes! Im actually going to a social event at my church in a few weeks. its meant to be casual so im not going there with any expectations that any guys will ask me to dance as ive only just started going to the young adults group there and i dont know many people there. its a formal dressup type event so the guys will be in suits and the girls in dresses but also its a masquerade ball so we have to wear masks which will be interesting!!! may actually help me with self confidence im not sure... im just going to have fun and if something like that happens great!
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Sounds like fun, melp. I kinda like the idea of going incognito too - might be a good way to be free of some inhibitions and could give your confidence a boost. Have fun and let us know how it goes.
Lynda0 -
Stanzie and Paintedlady -- sorry I did not mean to offend anyone with my post -- I am not sure if you would call my ex a psychopath but definitely suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He would dump me and then call me and apologize, he texted me constantly and after the final break-up when I did not give him the satisfaction of calling him to ask him to talk, he finally reported me to the police for stalking. Thankfully I had a friend with me that could attest that I had not left the house that night -- please understand that in Ontario, Canada that stalking in this situation is considered "domestic abuse" and I had 3 police officers show up at my house at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night -- I was advised that since I had frequented the same grocery store and restaurants that I was to change my habits or the next time I was reported that I could be charged -- nothing to do with me not having done anything to begin with. So I changed my route to work, changed my grocery store and restaurants. I did this for 3 years when I found out he had moved and actually left the province. I carried a "torch" for this idiot for quite sometime and would have taken him back if he had asked --- it took me over a year to get past that -- emotions like hate are so close to love that when the hate died down then I got onto anger and then could move on. Please understand that I was only offering my opinion and yes it was not asked for but from my experience it helped me move on when I shredded cards, and deleted emails. I cried like a baby that night but it was good because that was when I knew I had finally moved on.
Again I apologize if I offended anyone. That was certainly not my intent.
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Joanne No apology needed. I did not find what you posted offensive.
I am so distrusting of men because of my experience with my ex. I also pray that I never run into another personality disorder man again. It seems like it may be diffiucult to tell until they drop their mask. They tend to be quite slick.
Not running into many men lately anyway.
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paintedlady --- I agree with your comment about being "slick". That is the problem and that is they are very skilled at selecting the right women. I have to admit he is the only one I have hooked up that was like that. My g/f saw it but not me -- after one disappointment after another they tried to tell me what he was but of course I knew better. Thankfully the friendships survived and they have been by my side with the bc adventure.
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Joanne - I certainly did not find anything you posted offensive. Not at all. We're all sisters here....
I hope I am not coming across as a know - it - all. I have been doing sooooo much studying on this narciss./psycho./ & me thing lately as I have had some really disappointing relationships. Annie K. has a download series - an e-class I think it's called, Seven Secrets to Successful Relationships. It was well worth the price and will be in the future when I am ready to date. It made me really hopeful that I can break my pattern. I would not recommend Sandra Brown's book I referenced above. It offers no hope for change aside from signing up with her institute for intensive treatment AND took all my strengths and turned them into psycho. magnets. I am angry about that and may send them an email about it.
Joanne - I am sorry you went through all that. I was also threatened with a PPO/restraining order. Unfounded of course. I am not a scary person. It is hard to feel so full of hate/anger. I am moving away from that and it feels wonderful.
melp - How wonderful your dance sounds!! I would love to dress up like that. I just picked out my daughters dress, jewelry, etc. for Prom. It was sooooooooo fun!!
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Joanne - I wanted to say also no offence at all! I thought about deleting the emails but so far they help me when I start to feel like maybe he wasn't so bad. Then I read the emails and Yes he really was/is that bad!!!! So at least right now they help me to be strong. Yes at times they also remind me what a fool I've been but now that he is gone they help give me strength.
I think for me it is so difficult for me to Ever believe there are any actual good men out there. Sometimes I think I'm just not compatiable with men. My Mom and my Dad fought non-stop (am wondering if he also was a narcessistic type also) anyway it does help me to understand how my Mom and Dad didn't make it. With my ex - well I was looking for what I thought was a hard working loyal regular guy. What I got was an anti-social man with attachment disorder.... sigh. no wonder I felt alone the whole time.... Anyway, I honestly find it hard to believe in a normal guy!
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HI MELP!!! Welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to.
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Hi Everyone! The new guy I'm seeing wants us to go on a cruise in June. I've never had any desire to go on a cruise but I sort of agreed to it because he's always wanted to go on cruises but his ex-wife wouldn't go with him. I don't know what I was thinking saying I would go. I'm having anxiety even thinking about getting on a ship. I have labrynthitis so I can't read while a passenger in a car and I have had it so bad that I had to go to the hospital for a shot to stop the nausea & dizziness.
He's coming over today so I guess I will have to be honest with him. Plus I'm just not sure he's the one for me. I'm conservative but he's ULTRA conservative. I'm beginning to think my first impression of him was correct: he's rather boring and a bit pretentious. I don't picture marrying him and I intend to tell him today that if he is looking for marriage, he is barking up the wrong tree.
I miss my husband and the way we were in the beginning. Despite the age difference, everything was wonderful, especially the sex!
He's coming over today to lay out by the pool and I'm not even looking forward to seeing him today. I feel like I have lost my ability to love a man the way I used to. Are you guys feeling like that? I have no emotions anymore except the occasional depression. The shock of losing my husband and being DX with BC within 8 months of each other has left something empty inside of me. I am dead inside.
I don't know if maybe I should see a grief counselor or a counselor of some type. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I hate to hurt this guy, he really likes me but the thought of marrying him makes me want to move to Alaska!
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thanks lynda!!! i will certainly let you know how it goes!
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Denise - you deserve more... I got div, had BC and my dad died all within 5 months so I know how you feel. Don't settle and don't worry about hurting someones feelings - you need to do what is right for YOU...
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Denise, I echo what kward70 says -- you deserve to be happy and do not settle. It is nice to have someone in your life and have company but it is also nice to have the right person. Do what is right for you and what feels right and only you know what that is.
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Dating update: Met Jon last night for the 1st time and drinks turned into dinner (which he insisted on paying for). Nice guy, easy on the eyes, etc. But. . . I found I could never be an intellectual match for this guy. He was never pretentious or arrogant in any way but I could'nt do much more than sit and nod as he talked computer language (in depth), quoted authors with dates and background info, extensive knowledge of fine cuisine and apertifs, medicine, biology, geography(name the 3 rivers that flow out of the Himalays on the western side), anthropology, history, all types of music and instruments played and dates of release, politics and current events, etc. etc etc. The only thing he did'nt seem to have a vast body of knowledge about was horticulture - he couldn't identify the flowers growing outside the restaurant. Again, he was never boastful or condescending but I think he would find me boring after a time as I don't have the knowledge base to keep an interesting conversation (to him) going. So, we shall see what happens and if contacts me again.
Not to worry, meeting the animal control guy this afternoon for coffee and I think he's more in my intellectual range though he may be ultra coservative and I'm way liberal!
Where o where is my perfect match?0 -
I feel for all my sisters here. My ex was a jerk, but I don't think diagnosable. Maybe I could look at the DSM and come up with something for him LOL.
Franklin and I continue to develop our friendship, we are growing together and seeing a counselor,( a wonderful liberal priest) with the goal being mutual personal growth and honesty. I am much more accepting of having him as a loyal friend in my life and am working through understanding my own feelings and reactions. Yes, he says he is still moving to NC, now it's July--who knows--we enjoy each others company, try to be very genuine with each other, are confidants, and have alot of fun outdoors and talking about current events and issues. I like his intelligence, and the counselor is working on helping him express his emotions. I feel happy to be his friend.
PS. A book I would recommend is called the 5 languages of love, helps us to understand what we need from a partner to feel deep emotional love and what he.she may need to feel the same from us. Love to all my bc sisters!! xo
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Raku- Wow seems like he really covered a ton of topics in one sitting- that seems a bit odd. I know you said he wasn't pretentious but... hmm? My former BF loved to talk about things I knew nothing about and if I asked a question he would roll his eyes and say something like "really you don't know who that is or you don't know about that?" I am quite bright and have never felt like I couldn't keep up in an intellectual conversation but knowing a lot of things that are purely to show off isn't intellectual - I think that is someone who is insecure in their ability to handle social situations and therefore like the "bully" has to strike out first and make you feel lesser so they can feel more powerful. I used to tell him when he used words that I had read many times in books and knew the meaning of the word in context but had never heard the word use elsewhere - that he lived too much in the world of high literature and should perhaps learn some everyday vernacular so others could relate to him. He thought that was hilarious but needless to say I was always quite serious.
He was an intellectual bore and an overbearing bull in a china shop - that is my new way of describing him so I don't forget everything. So either your guy was just terribly nervous and trying to impress or he is quite full of himself.
Joanne and Denise- I'd say after all you both have been though- you do need some time to work through all the grief and changes in your life. I wouldn't say no to dating if you meet someone you like but I wouldn't make any big decisions or changes till more time has passed. Wish I have done this myself.
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I just have one question - Did he ask YOU anything? It sounds as if he talked non-stop about himself.
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Stanzie- I agree with everything you had to say in your post . Red Flags Galore. When you leave the encounter feeling stupid...he has done that to you deliberately. Any 'nice' man would put a woman at ease.....it is in his best interest to do so! Unless his ego overrides his penis!!
And in that case - HE has a real problem!!You reminded me of something that T. used to do...I would say something like: "I've never been here before". Then he would look at me and say "No?" with some kind of weird quizzical look on his face, like that was particularly odd or I was a Martian. And he did that kind of thing ALL the time. Pretty hard on the ego.
I am kind of where you talked about at the end of your post. If I met someone in the 'real' world, it would be great. I wish I would have taken 1-2 yrs. off about 35, 30 or 25 yrs. ago!! And I am a little ticked off at myself because so many friends told me to!!
Yesterday I stood up and led a staff meeting, with no script, just impromply, helping teaching staff (50 or more), debrief on a video presentation around grief in children following the death of a parent. Lots of emotion. I had NO anxiety. And I have always had terrible public speaking anxiety. I feel tremendous changes taking place in me and it...is...wonderful! I think it is because for once, I don't have someone sucking the life out of me! Sometimes I just want to dance around the house. I am taking a photography class, have joined a Relay for Life team, am going to a wine tasting to raise funds for ACS, am helping support other women withbreast cancer through my church and am even doing a little redecorating!! And...best of all I bought a beautiful silver and CZ ring to replace the diamond one from T. I told my youngest - Look, I married myself!!
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That is wonderful! So happy when another sister can accomplish so much.
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So proud of all my bc sisters and our sisterhood. To the question of the hour, Have you found love after your diagnosis and treatment? The question Is NO and i am so sad that feel I never will. Obviously things blew up with F. as I amsure many of you were expecting, even while I was deluding myself there was a little voice in the back of my head saying "Be careful". So sad today, I expect that Iwill have no contact with F.. Very sad my friends, I pray to God I can get my inner strength back. Amen
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Lovemyfamily I m so sorry that you are hurting. I want to give you a cyber hug. The majority of men just must be jerks.
I hope you don't get offended with what I am about to say but it is best to nip it at the bud. Yes, it hurts, but it will hurt way more in everyway if you continue down this path with F.
I only say this out of concern for you. Try to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward. Love should not hurt
Love you Sister xoxo
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So very sorry lovemyfamily, I know you are hurting and that makes me sad....Praying for you dear girl.....Hugs, Kiley
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LOL at Lynda! Stanzie is so right. You can write down ANYTHING so long as you post a smokin' picture and merely suggest you're *ahem* accessible.
and how many guys write merely two lines one of which is "I like to just hang out." Yeah, we know what that means. Go to Craigslist with that, buddy.
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lovemyfamily, sorry to hear that things blew up with F. Hope you can move forward.0
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I am sorry to hear this too about F. It is always hard when things don't work out, no matter who ends it; It hurts all the way around, esp. if you have been together a while. You can move forward with baby steps. I think there is a natural progression towards wholeness and healng that we all possess.
"Go to Craigslist with that, buddy". I like that. Pretty funny
. Would't it be nice to actually use that line someday? Thanks for cheering up my day!0 -
I'm so sorry Lovemyfamily - yes it is always so painful. I still find myself seeing things and thinking of my ex would love that... and it makes me sad. It is hard to get over having someone in you life then all of a sudden they are gone.....
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Lovemyfamily You have been on my mind. I hope you are okay.
Well Ladies,
I met a guy this afternoon. Has alot of money, but I could not stand him: He was very chatty with the waitesses. To show me that he was in good shape he got up from the seat in the restaurant and spun around like a ballerina. That embarrassed me! Then while still in the restaurant, he pulled up his shirt and expoused his abdomen to show me that he didnt have a belly. By then I had concluded that he had a few screws loose.
When I got home, I typed him a message telling him we are not a match.
Geez what a nut!
t
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