Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Stanzie, well said
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Painted Lady: I always think honesty is the best policy so tell them how you feel when they ask. If you don't hear from them again, it is their loss! I have had them ask right out if I'm sexually active. It is a real turn-off! I don't understand these old guys. Years ago when I was in my 20s and 30s the subject was NEVER brought up. Sure they tried to get you to give in, but nobody TALKED about it and especially not when you are first meeting. It is so un-romantic----I am still hoping for a fifties-type relationship where you take it really slow ---but I guess that is wishful thinking--
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Ok have to share this .... so have broken off with my BF - been 2 months. My former music teachers who are in their 80's going strong and are just amazing and fabulous. Well last year for their birthday's they had these wonderful dinner which he was invited to because of me! So this year on my music teacher's 84th birthday party which was a fabulous dinner with everone dressed up and we all wore these amazing stage jewels as their "adopted" daughter was a famous Opera singer in Europe and there was lots of wonderful singing from her and from two of his other students and this really over the top lovely dinner.
So I'm still "friends" with my ex on Face book and just read that he writes to my music teacher(on FB) that he was so sorry to have missed his birthday dinner - sorry he couldn't have been there on the 6th.Like he would have been invited!!! Oh my gosh! Talk about Narcissism over the top! And to actually assume he would have been invited (had he been in town) Really? I am just stunned at the ... what is the word... assumption of invitation and inclusion? Wow! How on earth could I really have missed his true character?
Going back to the subject- I so totally agree - bring on the romanticism and the courting and the trying to impress for goodness sake . I just read things like this and think I am so not ready to even try this new world of dating! I hate to think men have fallen so far.... but sounds like they have..
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Well Ladies I just think I blew it with the guy who called me tonight. Talked to him for 2 hours. He asked me about my career. Then ask me why I left the nursing profession. I told him the truth that I had gotten pneumonia almost died then got severe fibromyalgia. I told him that it has eased up some. I have learned to deal with the fibro. He seemed to not want to meet me anymore once he learned of the fibro.
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Painted Lady: What a disappoinment for you - but it is better to find out now, than later
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You didn't blow it. He did.
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I had one guy who was interested in meeting me a few years ago. When I told him I was recovering from a broken hip he quit contacting me.
And I bet if any of us met a guy we really liked we would not let an ilness deter us. I just think women are naturally nurturing and most men aren't.
God, how I remember my ex complaining when he had a simple head cold. You would have thought he was dying.
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Stanzie: It seems to be all about them and their needs, doesn't it?
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hi everyone--i just wanted to say--i'm done looking, but i've always had men for friends and i always liked that --still do--they are so different as friends than someone you date. They're fun and caring and really care about u--i was married 2x and i really didn't get that. So they are a strange breed.
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I'll be honest and say that I wouldn't choose at this stage in my life to get involved with someone who needed a caregiver. Call me selfish. However, if I was in a relationship and my partner got sick, I wouldn't abandon him and would do whatever I could to help. I just wouldn't choose it from the get go. I think this is a normal reaction from men and women. By middle age, many people have some sort of physical ailment which is manageable. That's not what I'm referring to. I mean really taking on a caregiver role. Some people don't understand certain illness and might assume it will create a problem.
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hfr- I like that you are direct and speak the truth. I agree with you. Yes it isn't nice to drop someone cause they say they have an illness but I do agree it is understandable. I have MS and BC and a child with special needs so I wonder who on earth would be crazy enough to take me on? Sometimes I think that is why I held onto the BF. But at the same time, hypocrite that I am, I didn't like the idea that since he was 13 years older I didn't want to end up as his care giver. And did worry when he would "act old".
But and this is the big But - I do think we were not meant for each other and there wasn't enough to hold us together... I honestly think if we had gotten to know each other slowly(which we did) and everything was really a good fit then the illness and age wouldn't have mattered. So for all of us- it is now finding someone who will stick around long enough to get to know us and see if there is any thing there that actually clicks. But again... I think we also need to be careful not to find the guy who is the perptutal care giver and fixer or someone who is controlling - I think we are set up to attract those kinds as well... So hopefully we can all be there for each other and help each other see red flags and hopefully hopefully will pay attention to the warnings of red flags! It isn't going to be easy for any of us to find a nice normal caring man - I know that is a statement full of oxymorons!! LOL!
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I know of a case whereby a man, about 80, wife died and he promptly married a younger woman but with her promise that she would care for him and he would never go to a nursing home.
Shortly later, he had a paralyzing stroke. She did nurse him to the end and he left her his entire estate cutting out his own children. (left them $10,000 each if they did not try to break the will).
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Infobabe, that is a different story, isn't it? It's like taking a job. My guess is that we all have a price.
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Dogs
When your hip was fractured did you have to get a hip replacement? I am curious because the orthopedic surgeon is recommending a total hip replacement for me. I totally dont want one and I am trying to delay the surgery for as long as possible
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I was lucky in that I only needed a "hip pinning". Three long pins were inserted side by side.
My fracture was in the femoral neck (the most common place)
Where is your break?
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Hi Dogs
My hip isn't fractured: The joint seemed to become damaged with the chemo. I went to the doctor because I was having a hard time walking, getting in and out of the car and just pain even on rest.
Diagnosis was osteoarthritis. Xray showed that I had hardly any cartilage on femur bone spurs and cysts.
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All of that sounds really painful. Maybe a hip replacement is the thing to do. Have you gotten any other opinions?
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My goodness, I just talked to this widower on the phone for 3 hours. We hung up because the battery of my phone was going dead. Any way, he has been a widower for only 3 months: His wife passed away from stage 4 breast cancer! I just thought oh my gosh, I don't think I could ever tell him about me. He described the experience as "horrible" he claims they loved each other very much. Yet, he is trying to find women online and his wife is deceased 3 months. I did ask him about the quickness of him getting online. His reason was that he already dealt with her death because she was very ill for 9 years. Hmmmm!
Dogs thanks that is a good suggestion to get a second opinion. Guess I was trying to avoid dealing with the problem.
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paintedlady -- I cannot believe that after 3 months someone would already be wanting to date -- that just does not seem "normal". It doesn't matter how ill she was, where is the grieving time?
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Joanne I still am shocked that he is wanting to date other women!
I don't think it is going anywhere anyway: He doesn't seem like he has any hobbies. He described himself as a "homebody"
Also sounds very frugal. As the conversation was ending, I did make a point that I liked to do things and not stay in the house alot.
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Paintedlady -- I'd advise anyone to wait at least a year before getting into a real relationship after a death, if for no other reason than #2 always has to deal with the ghost of #1. I was widowed at 32 (after 10 years) and remarried at 33 ... too soon! Wasn't fair to #2.
However, if you have been happy in one marriage you can be eager to be happy in another (maybe why it took me 20 years after divorcing #2 to try again.) Maybe his wife had made him promise to try to be happy without her?
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Or I think some men are really not happy alone...and you might find he isn't ready at all once you got to know him a bit better.. and as for a homebody- well if he has been caring for his wife for a long time- I'm thinking he doesn't know anything but being home right now - don't think it means he doesn't like to go out.
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It's the Paul McCartney syndrome. It was so easy for him to meet and fall in love with Linda that he thought he could easily do it again. I read his kids disliked the second wife and it looks like for good reason. Grief can be very hard to live with. I do agree re: getting out. What else does the man know? He may be frugal due to medical expenses. Might have a hard time with your own diagnosis however. Pity.
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Mybee
I am not sure if I am going to tell him. I really don't think he could handle it.
The only way someone would know is if I tell them once the port is removed. If he did see me in something low cut right now, he would see the bump were the port is. As I am thinking about it, guess once the port is out there will be a scar there. How would I explain the scar ?.
I just dont think it is anyones business. I dont have the disease now.
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I agree painted lady. It is YOUR business--yours to disclose or not as you see fit.
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The first guy I dated after my DMX was someone I met on Christian Mingle. He had no problem with the breast cancer after I told him. Unfortunately he was a control freak and manipulator so we only dated (on and off) for 5 months (no intimacy).
The man I am dating now I also met from Christian Mingle. I didn't tell him about the BC until about the 6th date or so when I could tell he was "into me". His response: "are you okay now, physically, mentally, spiritually"? I told him I'm not sure what the future holds as I had one positive node and turned down chemo and he said the same thing I have been feeling. It's in God's hands.
So far nobody has run because of the BC but I think you get a different type of man from Christian Mingle (most of the time). Their #1 goal isn't to get you into bed where the secular sites seem to attract those kind of men, especially POF. I only met one really great guy on POF, I had the best time when we went out and when I received my DX and told him, he said he would stand by me. He might have, I don't know but he turned out to have a severe drinking problem from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. He once drank 20 beers in one night. So as much as I liked him I had to say goodbye. I had enough to handle without having an alcoholic by my side.
Still, no man has seen my chest. I still feel like a freak with these scars and now that they are starting to look a little better I'm having bigger implants put in June 12th. So I figure another year between the surgery, the tattooing and the nip surgery before I look "normal".
So for now, I leave my bra on when we become intimate, like Carrie on Sex and the City.
To be cont'd later.
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hello everyone
new to this group....
Have tried the OL dating... have met nobody too special. Any success stories?
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Wecome Viktoria. I believe there may have been success stories but once they become successful they are so content they stop posting here
Denise - my exchange date was Dec. 2, 2011. I only had the one side done. Am not happy at all I have a new PS. I want also to go bigger, or at least less bun shaped and low hanging. I feel like he took one look at me and decided I needed a middle aged boob! I hang much lower than my natural breast ever did. I am also considering have my other breast removed for prevention. I will speak with a new BS next week (if I can get my records together!) My new surgery will be at the end of June. Presently I can't wear a pretty underwire bra without tremendous pain. It upsets me so much because I too was hoping to just wear a bra during sex to cover up the scars. I always get the feeling that the PS's don't get this whole thing from a woman's point of view. It is a scary thing to approach a man with all these scars. There is enough pressure from society itself!!
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Good morning Ladies
Have a dinner meeting this evening: The guy lives in the same town as me.
He seems nice on the phone, but the reality may be a different story lol.
On Tuesday I am meeting another guy for lunch. He did not want to drive all the way to my town (1 1/2 hour drive) but wants to meet me half way. This is not making me feel positive about him.
I am going to meet him. but if he dispalys more cheap or selfish features, he will be history,
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mybee- I know what you mean about how upsetting it is not to be able to wear a pretty bra. I'm in the same situation- I can't either. sports bras are about it and some of them are still miserable. It makes me cry. There are so many clothes especially for summer that are now out that it just doesn't work. Makes me think oh well just forget it... probably won't be anyone out there for me any way.
Feeling very down which is stupid I know... but read on FB about my ex and his new girlfriend and it just hit me hard. I isn't like I didn't expect it but I guess I didn't think about him announcing it on FB. So I did unfriend him as I thought - well I certainly don't need to put myself through torture. But it still really hurt. I was the one who stopped the relationship which I know was not healthy for me but still very sad as I know I did really love him. Just sometimes it isn't enough if the relationship isn't healthy... can you tell I'm trying to talk myself into being OK? Ugh!!! Hate all this stuff!
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