Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I'm been feeling very down the last few days. First the threat of Tropical Storm Isaac, which thankfully veered away from us on the SW coast of Florida, Tony being gone and realizing that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him and not seeing my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter because her mother is being manipulated into not letting us see her because of the guy she has been living with for almost 2 years. I miss her so much. She lived with my son and I for over a year while her mother was living with the new guy and pregnant with his baby.
Then, all of a sudden, she stepped back into the picture and won't let us see the baby. While my son's name is on my granddaughter's birth certificate, he is not the biological father so I'm not sure what rights, if any, we have. We are going to try Legal Aide this week. "Jay" was very attached to my son and I and loved coming to see us. She would cry when she had to go home. She was my reason to keep on going after I received my cancer diagnosis and just wanted to give up. My husband had died 8 months previous and I was in a bad place. The thought of "Jay" losing another person from her life made me fight and now she is probably wondering what happened to her "Nona". It breaks my heart.
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Thanks Mybee. I guess that's just it, I'd be afraid to date at this point. My one attempt at reconstruction was aborted during the operation so I'm still without breasts. I do read through the topic of no reconstruction. As of yet though, I've not found the one you spoke of about no reconstruction and dating.
After throwing blood clots from arteries and blood vessels during the Diep attempt, I'm highly leery of more reconstruction surgery. Other than removing the extra skin I have from the ssbmx that is. This is what prompted my question.
I did get the tummy tuck part of the Diep, at the very least.
Sally
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Galsal - I dated prior to having recon (unilateral) and had one LTR (18 mos). I was lucky bc he had two friends who had recently been throught treatment and was very understanding.
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I'm sorry - we misunderstood. I don't believe there is a single w/o reconstruction thread at this point, although I think you could start one
Denise - I think one of the saddest times is when you begin to realize that you've come to deeply care for, attached to and used to someone with whom you may have no future. It is such a sad, bittersweet feeling. Relationships can limp along like this too for quite a while, but the joy is gone and a little acting is involved. I have found 'dating' very hard because of this all my life. My heart follows my head first, and then it's usually me who ends up breaking up in the long run. Your situation with your granddaughter is very sad too. My guess would be that since your son's name is on the birth certificate, you do have some legal rights, but that is such a tricky spot for you. How I wish this could just be talked through, for your sake and your granddaughters! Too many losses in too short of a time for you!
Everything seems to hit me harder now too. I don't have the resiliency that I used to have, for a variety of reasons, but BC is one of them.
*edited to fix a million typos!
Peace.
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Thanks. It's nice to know there is hope. Maybe because I'm at that in-between stage with all the excess skin as if were going to have breasts that makes me so indecisive about all of this. At least I know that if in the future I want to reconstruct I can do so. Makes that aspect easier with the decision process. Doubt I'll make any real decision within this first year journey though, just seems too important to rush through it.
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Dear Denise,
I am so sorry you are feeling down-although it is very understandable considering what you are going through. I will pray that you get to see your little grandbaby and that your heart feels better. xo
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Mybee, I signed up on Match last night. You are finding some winners. lol I have never seen anything so comical as the submissive one. Really? A little "Fiftey shades of Grey" going on there? I did email someone last night, and his response was strange. He said, "I take it by your email that you are not interested." Well I was asking him a question about his profile and him favorating me. If I was not interested, why would I take the time to ask him a question about his profile and why would I take the time to email him? Well now he wants to talk on the phone. No thank you. This should be an interesting journey. I have tried Match before. I was actually on it when I was diagnosed. It is funny how some of the same men are still on there a year later. lol
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Thank you ladies.
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Denise- I'm so very sorry - I hope something can be worked out soon. It is never a good sign when someone's "partner" doesn't want them to see family and friends.
I looked up about Match and found an interesting article but couldn't figure out how to send the link so it is on Geeks Dream Girl - how to tell if a member is a paying member - as in someone who can see you email and email back. It is under dating advice.
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That is so selfish of her Denise---she should be thinking of what is best for her daughter. And her daughter is too young to understand why she can't visit you. Would it do any good for your son to talk to her? I wish someone would - for both your sakes.
My granddaughters other grandmother was jealous of me and would tell her stories. Once at her birthday party she was kind of standoffish and I asked what was wrong. She said her other grandma had told her she could only pay attention to HER because she didn't get to see her as much as I did.
This was completely untrue, as I was working full-time and she wasn't, but---I didn't want my granddaughter to have to choose sides so I told her I understood and that it was ok that she only paid attention to her other grandma and not me----
Of course, this was a one-time incident, but goes to show the hurtful games adults play.
I hope something can be worked out for you Denise.
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Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle against me seeing my granddaughter is the new boyfriend wants my son out of the picture. The mother was letting me see her as long as Dan, my son, wasn't allowed to see her. His life was in turmoil at the time so I saw the baby without telling him for about 2 months. However, the last time I saw her, I started feeling sick so I called Dan to have him help me since I couldn't get ahold of the mother. When I finally got ahold of her and told her I had to call Dan she flipped out, came racing over with the boyfriend, started yelling at me and my son, which made my granddaughter start crying. That's my last picture of her, crying in her mother's arms, not knowing what was going on. And she had such a great time with Dan that day too. She went from laughing and being happy to crying and confused.
The mother claims "it is too confusing to Jay to have all this different daddies". What a load of crap! It is a common thing for kids these days. When she was with us, she was the focus of all of our activities. I took her to the beach, the park, etc. where the mother never takes her anywhere. When she got pregnant with the new baby, she left Jay with us for a year with little to no contact.
Another story for another day is how Jay would have died under the new boyfriend's supervision due to her asthma but I'm getting angry now so need to stop talking about this. Besides this thread is more about dating than family issues.
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This is all so sad and awful! It is terrible the games adults will play with each other. Sounds like the mother may 'flip' to a new person again at some point. She may need grandma to watch her daughter again and you can be ready. She doesn't sound very stable, unfortunately.
Stanzie - I read an interesting article last night about Match and it referred to a class action lawsuit. It talked about the fact the onlythat 5% of members with profiles are actually paid subscribers that you can email and talk to. The rest are just browsing/winkers or scammers. I ran across a scammer profile in another article that I know I had read. That is why sometimes it seems like the best guys are out of state. They're scammers. So......my own subscription ends in Nov. and I will keep it that way. I can't cancel it sooner.
Here is a profile I read tonight and I felt intimidated by it. Tell me if you think his expectations are over the top (or maybe I just can't meet them - a very real possibility): I am a very independent thinker who enjoys the simple pleasures in life. An witty conversation, a walk in the woods or just enjoying the sunrise can be profound. Not that I don't enjoy the more luxurious experiences because I do but I believe the key to a rich life is to be able to savor the precious moments that unfold on a daily basis.
I am looking for a woman who is strong in character and comfortable with her femininity. In other words, someone vibrant, intelligent, witty, confident, kind, compassionate, sensual, romantic and physically expressive. She needs to be hungry to live and willing to venture along life's path with excitement and wonder. He is a lawyer, age 58, looking for a woman who is athletic and toned.I just don't feel like I could measure up to these standards.
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I don't know a single person, male or female who has all those qualities.
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It is a bit demoralizing in a way. I mean, why date in a climate like that? Like I think it was you who said - who doesn't have baggage? (As so many are looking for 'no baggage'). I see a lot of profiles like the one above. On the other hand, it reads a lot like the ones that turn out to be scammers, (there were examples on a few discussion boards I saw). Everything is too good to be true. And to top it off he has an adorable 5 yr. old daughter. If a younger woman was looking to be an instant mother - bam - it's like walking right into a trap. Puts his income at over $150,000.
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Well are they all like this? Are any of them real, do you think?
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I was contacted tonight by a guy that I know is real. He made references to a couple of local spots, didn't try to do a sell job. So yes, I think there are real people on there too. I don't know what he is like as a person yet obviously. Interesting thing: I reviewed his profile after he contacted me. He has a bachelors degree but specifies he wants someone with 'some college'. Now he could have checked the following boxes: some college, bachelors, graduate, PhD. But he only checked some college. I have a Masters and have been married twice - both men had high school diplomas only. I think it was a central problemin each marriage in the long run. Both men mentioned feeling dumb or stupid. My first husband supported me through my Masters program then left citing 'I don't think you really need me anymore' (among other problems) We'll see....
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The scammers are usually easy to spot; they use poor grammar and words that are not familiar to us. They also flatter you to the point of being ridiculous. When I first started internet dating, I had a guy who was supposed to be in the military stationed in Afghanistan at the time. His name allegedly was James Martin. He had a child and was a widower. At first I thought to myself that this might be good; we could communicate while he was in Afghanistan and get to know each other before we met.
He sends me a picture of himself with his little platoon and the name "James" is on his military uniform. His first name on his uniform? So I egged him on a little and asked him what his favorite TV show was. He says Opera Winnifred. LOL! Too hilarious. Since my oldest son is an IT guy, I had him track the IP address from "James". Turns out the emails were coming from Ghana in Africa!
I have found the following to be a major red flag that you are dealing with a scammer: he immediately wants to have your email address or have you create one in Yahoo, he is usually a widower with a young child, he lives out of the country and he is way too flattering. The pictures they give of themselves are usually of some random person they saw in an article on the internet. I found a lot of this out when I checked the internet for dating scams and heard about this poor soldier, whose last name was James, who had his picture used for just this purpose.
So ladies be wary of who you meet online. Many times they are wolves in sheep's clothing.
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Denise- you are lucky to have someone who can really check these men out. So what is the purpose of these men just to get money out of you? Now does Match have fake people they put up to make them look good?
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What I didn't like on Match was that you have no idea if you are writing to a member. If that guy is NOT a member he won't get your post.
I asked Match about it - and they said "we do not provide information about a member's status"
So you could be paying for a membership for nothing---I think that almost sounds like fraud!
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Denise - You restated exactly what I had read about in several articles/ discussion sites almost to a T. I think Match inflates it's numbers of profiles by making it near impossible to get out of a contract, uses your profile after you quit the site and various other tricks they probably put in fine print. Anyone can make a profile and have it sit there for free and you can wink at them and they may never contact the site again after they set up the profile the one day. A man might be motivated to do this just to scan the pics, see if his girlfriend is on there, maybe lift a pic or profile or just to test the waters. It's kind of scary now that I'm thinking about it as I write. I think I'll take off some of my info.
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The scammers from Africa are looking to get money from you. They will eventually claim so hardship on their way to meet you and request money, blah, blah, blah. When you been on dating sites long enough you get to know the red flags.
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My sister was "chatting" with a fellow on Lava and he was away for business ... in Africa (cannot remember where) but there with the diamond industry and ... they probably chatted on-line for about a month. When he came back to Canada from his business trip they were going to meet. Then one day he sent a message that his wallet had been stolen along with his passport and he couldn't get home. He was desperate for money, etc. My sister suggested he contact the Canadian Consolate and see what assistance they could give him. Guess what ???? that was the last she ever heard from him. He was one of the scammers from Africa and never had he been in Canada. How many women fall for this though?
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Hi all, About Match, They offer free weekends periodically, some people sign up and and send winks and emails and then disappear within days. I say, don't give up on Match, there are some quality men out there, you just have to weed through a lot of (hmmm, trying to think of the right word here). I dated a man Pre-BC who informed me on our second date he wanted a submissive woman; I am usually very perceptive....how did I miss that. I really thought he was joking at first (we did not go out again).
And, like Stanzie said, the jeans to evening gown; the man just wants someone who likes to dress up....that would be me (yes, an evening gown on occasion)!
Yes, there are scammers, One man contacted me and just like Denise said, asked for my email address. We emailed and emailed and he sounded great. I suggested several times that we get together and finally said, I don't see any point in this, if you want to meet, then let's meet, if not please don't email me. He emailed me a few more times, I never responded. I told a friend "my emails probably came from a 60 year old lesbian woman housed in the Chino Women's prison using was her 7pm computer time.
There are some nice men. A wonderful man with a PHD; pleasant, gentlemanly and fun. I knew he was here for just a few months, so we just had dinner and danced (wonderful Rumba); nothing more than dates. Another charming and sweet Financial Advisor; just too soon after his divorce for me., etc, etc. So hang in there, the good ones are worth waiting for. Now, one of these days, after radiation, I'll sign on again
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A new one just contacted me from Florida. He is a widow with one small child. Here's the profile:
I enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life. I am compassionate to the needs and struggles of others and passionate about life. I am independent but know many things in life are meant to be shared with someone special. I am looking for someone to share life experiences and adventures- the good, the bad and even the ugly. Someone to share walks on the beach, hikes in the woods or mountains, enjoying a campfire or the hot tub on a cold winter night.. Being single hasn't stopped me from doing the things I want to do but it is definetly more fun to share with someone special. Being in love is the greatest feeling and I am ready to embrace it again. I have alot of living and loving left to do in my life- how about you? I enjoy dressing up and dressing down, staying active and fit both physcially and mentally. I'm not looking for a certain type - I believe I will know when it is right and the wait will be worth it.
Here's the email:
You have nice profile there and your profile picture look very cute too... I will like to know you more than your page says if you don't mind.. your reply will be most appreciated. Roger
Notice a discrepancy?
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It's 4 am. Can't sleep.
I am corresponding with a nice one (the other nice one dropped contact, probably because he is free and easy/retired and I am so busy with my kids). The new nice one has shared custody, goes to all his sons' football games and talks about taking his parenting seriously but feeling ready to enjoy life a little too. Sounds like me. He is intelligent and lives 30 mins away. Good job too. So, we shall see.
All this reminds me of Painted Lady and her many little dates.
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Her last post was about her giving that guy another chance. I hope she is okay/happy.
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Wait! Maybe I'm not awake enough, didn't sleep much but what is the discrepency?
I'm a little worried about painted lady.... I have to run and get ready for a funeral but I think we need to try and check on her.....
Interesting thoughts about Match.....
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Oh, my God! A great example of a scam--
I did think everything he wrote sounded very familiar. I've seen profiles very similar to this.
Depressing isn't it?
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I didn't see the discrepancy either.
As for profiles, I don't think similar profiles are anything to run from; the new Match folks just type the typical things in their profile (somthing you would hear at the movies). And, I've heard, Match offers assistance with profiles for those men who aren't sure how to make their qualities shine; I don't know if they give them a template to work from or how that works.
You are playing things safe if you keep your written correspondance on Match (and not regular email) and meet in a public place. I only say these things because I've met crummy men (always a good story) and very nice men; they are out there.
Match is an easy way to meet people, but I think some Meetups might work (although the ones in San Diego are 90% women). Maybe a cooking class, dance class, sailing, etc.
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The discrepancy is the well written profile and then the email being in broken English with incorrect grammar; they are not written by the same person. You can almost hear the accent in the email. These scammers are generally out of the country. btw - I think PL's last post was Aug. 2.
I do like the idea of Meetups and would certainly do that if I didn't have the kids at home and had a little cash to indulge a hobby. These teen years are expensive ages!
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