Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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While I love Tony, I don't see me spending the rest of my life with him. He is very different from me in some important ways. I am an animal lover, he isn't. He doesn't speak to his only child, a son, since his divorce a few years ago. I would do most anything for my children. I am very compassionate, he doesn't seem to be. He can be hard and judgemental. My older son is gay, which he knows, however, on occasion he has made derogatory comments about "queers" and how they are abominations in God's eyes.
He also doesn't understand that my younger son has some issues due to his 8 year drug use. He is not using anymore but between the drugs and my late husband coddling him, he has no idea how to live in the real world. Tony thinks I should just leave him to his own devices.
I don't see this working out long term and if it doesn't, I'm not bothering with men anymore. I'd rather be alone.
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Denise, I am sorry that there seems to be that many difference. In the meantime he is good company and maybe you can soften his ideas.
Laurie, I also had a generic email with no details and like kward said I too could "stalk" these men by googling them. They are foolish by having their names in their email address. Laurie, see you in the other thread.
Like I said, I am off the sites right now. I need to think of me ... Joining the Y and back to weight watchers and getting stronger emotionally after this damn fight with bc. I do know that I want someone in my life, just not right now.0 -
There is so much here. Sweetbean - Your post had me laughing: "I want someone who is as comfortable in an evening gown as she is in jeans." I have seen that so many times! I wonder is there some kind of website out there that they lift this stuff from? And what does it mean? Online dating is filled with scary possibilities!
I agree you can find out lots about a guy before you even meet. I know I did the same thing with a man who gave me his private email (why do they feel the need to do this?) I once had a separate email too, but that was because the kids were using mine and I didn't want them to see my dating correspondence. That was during the time I met Tony.
Denise - I feel so badly for you because it reminds me a little of what happened with my Tony. I became so very attached to him, but as time went on I became increasingly uncomfortable with his values and his character. It all started with little things, mimicking gays or African Americans with his friends when I wasn't looking, decisions re: his children and not really actively parenting at all (they were teens at the time), having a Playboy subscription and taking all that nudity/celebrity stuff a little too seriously for a 50+ yr. old guy, loving the seedy side of life (I came to know). But those things slipped out ever so slowly; in the beginning he mimicked my values, acted very middle class, solid and like a family man. As I began to see the 'real' him, I began to have general free-floating anxiety that I attributed to my hysterectomy (I had it about 6 mos. into the rel.) and loss of estrogen. I couldn't seem to get on solid emotional ground. That gave him an in to begin to erode my self- esteem, again through subtle comments, innuendo, looks, slights or ignoring. By the end he was really psychologically abusive and 'ignored' my breast cancer. I guess he thought that would give him the upper hand? Now I look at the way he treated his kids (and my kids, who he ignored or criticized) and realize this was an indication of how he would one day treat me. He now has no contact with his kids and has moved 45 mins. away from them, an hour away from his sister. It really takes time to get to know a person. And I think - why the subterfuge? What is the point? Well, for him it was to have companionship, an escort, someone to do things with - dinner, travel and for the reg. sex. But it was also to show to himself and to his friends that he was 'normal' and okay. I feel like I was taken for a ride. Am proceeding cautiously now.
I am glad you are moving slowly. It is painful though to see these things in someone we have grown to love. (((hug)))
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Joanne - Our emails crossed. I am glad you are thinking of 'you' right now. Sounds very positive.
Moved my daughter into her dorm yesterday. A little sad today...........need to do a little TLC for me too.
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Denise: You sound like a great mother. It isn't always easy to get the vacation days you want. Luckily my mom was self-employed so she took the boys to places like Palm Springs and Yosemite every year. Only once was I able to go due to working. But they have fond memories of their grandma's trip with them.
When my oldest was 12 I re-married. It lasted 10 years, but at least I could stay home with the boys for that time.
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I treasure the years I worked part-time, when my kids were young. The best balance and the best years of my life.
It's hard being a Mom. We've mentioned how some of these guys take off or maybe shoulder less of the care. I don't think, in most cases, we have that option. Even if you have shared custody, so much of the organizing and 'thinking' is on Mom. Do we ever feel we get it right?
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I don't think so Bee--I've never met anyone who said she was a good mom. We always feel we could do better. Right now I'm working on not being a nuisance as my son and DIL only live 2 miles away. So I wait for them to invite me over---of course I would love to spend more time with them,but I don't want to do what MY Mom did - she was very good at guilt trips----
My grandkids live elsewhere now - but they do call me MOST of the time they are in town. Usually they are only in town for a day or two, so can't blame them for not contacting me. They are busy with their own friends, after all.
That's why it would be nice to have a man to do things with--but so far no luck. The same old reasons - all they want is sex, or to be taken care of, etc. etc. One man said he wanted a woman with no baggage. Come on! who doesn't have some sort of baggage. Another one said he wanted to be first- her kids and other family would have to take 2nd place.
Sigh---
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d&j - Could you have a scheduled time to see your kids? Like a dinner, 2 x a month? I know it sounds silly but in thinking of it, sometimes that has worked with me in seeing my Dad and really, T. and I had a weekly 'date' when we got together, no kids, no work, just each other, every Thurs. nite. I loved it (I KNOW he loved it).
Just got two back to back emails from a guy I have only shared a Wink with:
1)Would You like to meet tonight If so Call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx Because Inforgot My phone Charger Wondering if you like to go to Luigis? If interested leave me a Voice mail I will call you back when I retrieve my phone charger at home around 6pm. Leave your phone number with your voice message l Will call you back OK? . Thanks Rxxxxxx . xxx.xxx-xxxx.
2) Hi its Rxxxxxx would You.like.to.meet.tonight? I just sent you an Email I have questions however prefer to talk with you in person that is why I like to meet at Luigis later this evening, If you like to meet tonight Leave me a Voice message and your phone number The Pizza is Awesome there I hope we can meet tonight I look forward to meeting You hopefully this evening . Sincerely Rxxxxxx PS My personal Email is. . xxxxxx@xxxx.com
Just saw this a couple mins. ago. copied and pasted as is, with only the names and numbers changed to protect the innocent.
Adding comic relief,
Molly
He sent this at 5:50.
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by the way....it is 6:44.
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Hm - that's a thought----I'll think about it. Don't want anyone to feel obligated, but----
You got these e-mail 10 minutes before he wanted you to meet him?
And he has "questions" ????
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You got it.......and never exchanged an email prior except to wink........it's a strange world out there. Let's just say......the cattle are restless.
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A new member:
im looling for a woman that has high moral and standards, neat in appearance, organized, faithful, honest, punctual, and submissive. I would prefer a stay at home mom...independence ruins some relationships..i am a communicator.
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Ha, ha, ha, ha. I like the "submissive" part especially--
I wonder how many responses he'll get?
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I know....I was reading along and then bam! submissive......I wonder if he'll get any........How many stay at home Moms are single? If they are, they are on welfare. And WHY would you seek a stay-at-home Mom, specifically, for a date??? Maybe he is looking for someone to watch his kids????
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You should answer: I'd like to reply to your ad for a housekeeper - what do you mean about being a communicator? Will we communicate by phone, mail, carrier pigeon? Please explain--
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Very funny D &J.
Somehow submissive and communicator seem like oxymorons. Why would he want to communicate with someone he wants to dominate? Just to avoid mouthiness? learn better ways to control her? Probably to communicate his needs/wants/ worldview more effectively..............Ick..............
Well, sorry ladies, but plan to have no contact with him...............will move on to more amusements.
I haven't heard back from the nice guy since my email yesterday
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Oxymorons is right! That's what I thought too.
One of my FB friends just posted about not finding anyone to date. He has 3 cats and parrot.
I have 3 dogs, another FB friend has 3 dogs and a cat. We are all different ages, but nobody is interested after finding out about our pets.
That is a red flag to me! He (or she) wants ALL the attention--
Lots of people posting on the FB thread now - they all pretty much agree - pets are better than a bad match!
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Maybe the nice guy doesn't want to seem too eager. Guys play these games too LOL
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I think you are right about Mr. Nice. He tends to wait a couple of days between emails.
I have to say, in defense of those of us who are less than pet friendly - I am allergic to the vast majority of dogs. I can take a couple of terriers but now when I go to my Mom's, as she has 3 dogs - a lab, and two cockapoos, I can only stay in her place a few hours. And I feel the effects within minutes. Mom forgets this completely...........but I really do now avoid her place. It is hard to say - hey - I can't come over becuz you got those dogs.......It's a tough situation, esp. since my sister got the same kind of dogs. Now I have the problem in both places!
I have a cat....would get one again.
Just a perspective.
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Denise - this whole judgmental, self righteous thing, for instance against 'queers' is one of the reasons I think I shyed away from Christian Mingle . I am not a right winged conservative. I am more of a social justice type Christian. Maybe it comes from being a Catholic for so long? Or maybe a social worker and a Catholic? While I am no longer a Catholic, I am still pretty much a liberal. I was afraid with Christian Mingle that I might get a judgmental type.......and I have a very sig. past, there is no question about that. I plan to wait this time tho' .............hold off on the physical.........I think it's best. Helps in maintaining perspective. Was that your experience on CM?
How hard on you that you feel he may not be accepting of your son. Puts you smack dab in the middle, dear. That's a hard place to me...........
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I went to my first gay, interracial marriage last weekend and it was AWESOME! And you know what???? The emotions and excitement were no different than at a heterosexual wedding - it was really beautiful, my two friends are so in love, and we were all really happy to be part of their special day. (I'm a social justice Christian, too.) I seriously don't understand why people think that someone else's happiness will threaten their own.
Denise, I would sit your guy down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to use that language around you ever.
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I understand Mybee: I can't bring any of my dogs to my son's because my DIL is allergic to most dogs. They have a poodle, but those are ok for people with allergies.
I have also heard there are shots you can take - don't know how effective those are though.
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Sounds awesome Sweetbean!
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Hello all- it has been a while since I've posted. Have tried to keep up though..... My thoughts on the jeans to evening gown I interpreted as jeans are great but if we want to go to a nice restaurant or to a show are you ok with dressing up sometimes. That was my thought but then as I've just been lurking on Match and haven't joined it is easier for me to say.
Ok the submissive guy seems really scary. I saw one once of a man who was nice looking and everything about him sounded great till it got to the end where he said he wants a woman who likes to be a little girl and have Daddy spank her.... Wow, he actually wrote that....
One thing I have learned from a friend is that if your membership runs out or you cancel your profile still is out there so basically they are advertising a lot of people who are not on Match anymore.... so if you don't get a reply from someone it might be that they are not on and haven't ever gotten you message. I like the idea of a separate email - Yes I'd definately do that if I can figure out how to set one up.... so challenged electronically. Molly- glad you are trying it!!
Denise I am so sorry. That would truly be difficult as your son is your son no matter what his sexual preference is so how he could make those comments is not good. I'd also be a little concerned how he is ok with not seeing his own child.
A friend of mine who recently got married to an amazing guy said she knew right off he was a good guy was when he met her kids. The first thing he did was to sit on the floor with them and talk and try and really get to know them and make them comfortable with him. She said watching him do that just melted her heart and he is fabulous with her kids. That is what would do it for me I think especially have a special needs child!
I'm almost ready to try and join.... gotten the ex pretty well out of my system I think - would like to lose some weight first but....
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I've not read through all of this. But here's a question. Any one decide not to reconstruct?
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There are threads for women who have opted not to have reconstruction. I have not read them as I opted to go forward. There is a whole forum dedicated to dating without reconstruction. As far as dating without reconstruction, we haven't really talked about that yet. Most of us here on this thread are actually too afraid to date.
Stanzie - There is something up with this Match. Sometimes someone will wink at me, or I at him and then two days later, suddenly they don't have a profile anymore. Now maybe they blocked me, but I highly doubt that many guys have blocked me. And sometimes it seems like it's the best looking ones or nicest. That's why I wink. I think Match is just keeping you going but there's nobody there on the other side. When I was on POF and you favorited or winked or whatever, you got responses because at that point, guys figure they have nothing to lose. I am beginning to think that this Match is a scam. I had heard that a long time ago.........that they had a lot of fake profiles but I'd forgotten. I know a couple at my church who met on Match, as did a couple of friends of mine. I'm sure there are some real people, but it is annoying to do a search, favorite someone and then find out the next day or a little later, that these guys don't exist anymore. btw - your whole post was pretty interesting. The spanking thing was pretty icky, to put right out there in a profile!! It's okay about the Match scam, I don't think I'm ready yet anyway..............
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From my FB page. I thought it was lovely. Doesn't she look beautiful, too?
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Yes, great message
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How can you not adore Drew Barrymore! Interesting what you say about Match.... hmmm??? I had a friend over who used to babysit my kids - yes she is a gorgeous 20 something year old and so much fun. anyway, she said if I wanted to do Match she would help me with my profile - that should be interesting! LOL! If I do it - it would be amazing to meet someone normal and wonderful but I think I'll have to do it just to see what or who is out there and not take it too seriously as I think I could get hurt too easily... but still chicken for the moment...
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