Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Lowrider - What is the link for???? I couldn't get it downloaded either.
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I'm glad for those of you who still have hope or the courage to continue to try. I had bad experiences with men even before my dx. I was married for 15 years when I was young. Anyway I had been seeing someone for about 5 - 6 years, he promised to hang in with me but then he disappeared and didn't even talk to me. Maybe he wasn't worth it but it was my life and I hate how my life has changed. I don't think I will ever have the courage to date again. After my mother had surgery for bc my father started looking elsewhere. I certainly don't have the confidence to try again. I am lonely but that's just the way it is. I'm lucky to have kids and family and girlfriends. I'm sad but I think this is the end of any romance for me.
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HRF, I don't think you should give up like that. Will some men leave? Absolutely. It would be naive to think otherwise. Will every man leave? I would certainly think not. Like you, I had bad experiences even before my diagnosis, but this has also made me realize how badly I want a good man, one who will be faithful and stick by me - in other words, before this happened, I might have put up with more crap than I will now, and if that weeds out the losers, so be it.
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hr - I agree with Fearless (Gol she is so good with advice)! Anyway, Don't give up, no no, don't you do it now, don't give up (believe it or not that is a song, a really good one). This is true, this has made us all realize we want a good man that will give us equal opportunity or better! First of all ( in recapping your history), you sound like you know how to treat men, i.e. with your long relationships. Evidently you are choosing the wrong type of men. Choose the ones that want to change or be doers FOR YOU and a great father image for the children. They are out there, keep shopping. Buy you a single keychain ( I need one too), just start choosing the right one. There are a lot of guys that aren't raw booby men, some just like a good figure or they like big bottoms, don't close shop. Too many fish in the sea, for you younger people.
I am fed up, burned up with the lack of attention...trying to get my o'l bo back. Called it fried I am. But, I hate to tell you, they say once a cheater always a cheater...your dad has probably been mischievous for a long time, bless your mom!
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Hope makes an excellent point in referencing prior behavior in these men. If someone leaves a woman during or after BC, I think chances are good he may have left, anyways - or had his eyes open and looking around, so to speak. My uncle never left my aunts side during her treatment.
So while BC will put a challenge in our dating life, I don't think you should give up on love because of what your Dad did to your Mom.
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Oh, the link didn't work...it was 'The Date' thread. Hum...maybe I will just go bump it up. Sorry about that!
Well, I bumped it up so lets see if this one works....
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/750683?page=6#post_2100239
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Lowrider,
I read your "date" thread previously when you posted it. Hope we all get so lucky in our futures!
Karen
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Lowrider, I am sorry it didn't work out - LDR's are rough - I've had a few and quite frankly hope to not ever have another one! But I am in a position to move if I wanted to, though. But even so, it's hard to make it work.
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Bump...I really want to hear more stories....?
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Fearless,
Just wanted to give you an update on the guy I met post cancer. Things are going well, very well. I have had a scan so he experienced me having 'scanxiety'. He seems to deal well with the cancer-y stuff I have to do, infusions, check-ups, a had a stitch come recently from a biopsy I had over a month ago....all that cancer-y oddness that normal people don't understand.
I did ask him (from a man's standpoint) about when a guy should be told about the cancer crap. Since I am a uniboober, I wanted him to know from the get-go. I do think that would be a deal breaker for some guys. Just like a guy who likes long hair wouldn't be attracted to a girl with a crew cut. But, if someone has had recon or still had all their parts, it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal.
As far a when to tell, I guess there are two issues...medical history and physical differences. If it is just about the cancer, that would be like telling someone I am diabetic or have had a heart attack before, assuming you are cancer free at that point. It is a situation that has been dealt with that has some long term life style changes with it.
For the physical, it depends on how different one looks. Since I only have one boob, that would have been like pulling off a fake leg if I had been an amputee. But, if you have all your parts, that would be in the conversation of sexual preferences, as in, those aren't real nips, you don't have to waste your time on those.
But, back to the Beau....remember, I met him a year after diagnoses so he is completely fresh (not someone I met before cancer) and things are going great. We are both adults with histories, including medical histories. He deals well with my more complicated situation. There are often little things....the runny nose after the Herceptin....he first time he saw my lymphadema sleeve (which I wear to work)...I am having to use a nebulizer now since the rads fried my lungs a little. But, there is a whole lotta normal crap....my crazy family (which he did not meet but heard about at Thanksgiving)....hearing about my work, my kids, my redecorating efforts at my house.
The main peice of advice I have is that any new person will respond to your situation based on how you deal with it. If you are fearful, self conscience and timid, they will be too. Disclaimer...there are always those a$$holes that will bail as soon as it stops being fun, those guys don't count.
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Melinda, that is wonderful! I love hearing that because I want very much one day to meet someone special and I know after my surgery it will be even harder (I know some guys will bail, like you said), but def not impossible.....please keep us posted!
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I just saw this thread and just wanted to add, I have a friend whose first date with his g/f was going to chemo with her...lol. They met on plentyoffish.
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I have been divorced for 10 years and dated intermittently. Quality men are hard to fine even without worrying about BC. I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago and still have all the surgery and treatment ahead of me. But when I am healed and feel like me again, I will strike out again and try dating. So many people tell me if a man is worth it, he will just be glad your there. I am in this with all you so may we all find our health and our dream men.
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Hadley, it's hard to say - 2 weeks is a long time to not have asked you out, but if he had no interest, he wouldn't be in contact. I think he is interested.
Pam, that is a nice story! I was on POF before my diagnosis, maybe I will go on there again.
Dfwgal, yeah, focus on your treatment first - then test the waters again when you are feeling good and strong (and you will)!
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Hadly, I am sorry he was so....evasive. I definitely would not go out with him after a response like that - not knowing what he wants to do?? That would really turn me off. I'm sure he may be a nice guy, but not the one for you. Please don't be too discouraged, I hope you will get out there again.
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I have been away, but catching up a bit. Hadley, I agree with Fearless. He says he has to think about it....that means space! Don't expect him to be back around, I am experienced here. Mine never came back, no matter what I have said in emails, me apologizing for the least bit of anything. He never reponded and I am just about to try the last resort and that is "God's Fasting". I need the right doors opened. Hope I am wrong for you, but sounds like he is finding excuses not to be. Sounds like, he is not going to give the relationship a chance. Let us know if we are wrong! !
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Yeah, I never buy into the "space" speech. I don't want a man who needs space from me! I want a man who wants to be with me.
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Fearless, how do you get the subtext in your messages....such as Diag 9/09, 1.97 cm Grade 2/stage IIA etc. My biography page doesn't offer it!
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Hope, go to "My home", public profile, then edit profile. Be sure to "save" what you put in.
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Yeah...the space thing doesn't sit well with me. Move along. I almost don't care what the guy thinks....I want to feel sexy myself and am worried that I won't. I don't care about my fake boob as much(when I get one) but the very short hair....not that short is not sexy but I have always had long hair all my life and I feel like it was one of my best features and has alot to do with my sexuality. Will I actually feel sexy when I am being intimate when I don't feel my hair on my shoulders?
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Cat, not sure how far along you are, but the hair will grow back. I am about 9 months out and have a full head of hair. Is still short, but is growing, and very thick and soft. Not crazy about the curls, but I hear they soften. But yeah, I don't feel real sexy with these granny curls, lol! But I think as you get healhier and your hair comes in and you complete your recon, you will feel hot again!
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Thanks....I hope so.....I guess this is all about patience!
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It's hard, no doubt. But I think it's important to keep the faith. And to know that you are still beautiful and after treatment you will be strong again. I feel incredibly strong, physically, and i've only been out of treatment completely, for 7 months.
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This is my second time with cancer and it took me a long time to not feel like I was "damaged goods" when it came to dating. But eventually, cancer became a non-issue and now it has returned and it's an issue again. This time the emotional aspect is much more devastating than the physical. Although I have gained weight and I'm not feeling very attractive right now.
I'm 55 and have never been married but would really like to find a compatible partner but not wanting to lower my standards. So I met someone the other day--at Glida's Club--yup, he's a cancer patient too--multiple myoma. I thought he looked familiar and later found his profile on Plenty of Fish. On paper, he seems to be everything on my wish list. Many months ago, I had sent him an email but he never responsed. Soooooo-advice ladies? do I contact him again, now that I've met him in person and offer "friendship", do I just hope to run into him again at Glida's? What would you do?
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Since he never returned your email on POF, I wouldn't bother. I would keep trying to meet other people. I write people off if they ignore me, I don't like that.
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Fearless....Ignore you, I posted on my own message board, but here it is again. I couldn't believe it when I arrived the night before Christmas Eve at work. I was coming out of the employee garage parking lot (to walk across the street as usual) to go into the building to work. When I was almost midway into the crossing of the street, my old boyfriend (the minister that works across the hall from me) drives up really fast to the stop sign. He didn't even stop, he ran the stop sign and was hurriedly trying to proceed on into the garage. All of a sudden he HAD TO STOP his vehicle or he would of hit me in the right leg! I looked into the car and he wouldn't even look at me, he kept his head turned away (from me), just waiting for me to get out of his space, so that he could proceed with his car. It made me feel like a piece of gravel or dirt, no recognition at all. His face was as if he was angry that it had to be me in front of him. Later that night I had to pass him in the hallway, so I just turned my eyes away as soon as I seen a visual of him coming. This time, I was the one that felt like a zombie, dead, no feelings for him, whom has simply ignored me for the last eight months. We passed each other, as usual, only this time, I didn't try to do any eye contact with him. I have been praying for weeks for God to remove all the feelings from me that were not of Him. As a woman in Christ, I did give this man a prayer after he almost ran over me. I have spent a year and a half believing that this man was whom God wanted me to be with. But in reality, I know that God wouldn't have anyone treat me like a fly on the wall or a piece of gravel or dirt. This man has never said he was sorry for anything but the one pass that he made. God's love would never let you treat a person like this man has treated me. In other words, it's over, it has hurt a lot, but it is reality. I heard a saying on TV tonight, it said, "God gave him a precious gift (me), but this man threw it back to God. It is his loss, God help him. So, space they want, space they can have!!!!!
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Oh Hope, when I was talking about ignoring, I was referring to the guy she met on POF that had ingored her, not you!! *HUGS*
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A guy who only texts and needs space has intimacy and commitment issues. He is hard wired that way and it has nothing to do with you. He's the same with any woman. I've met a few of these.
Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words. But I am not yet in a space where I feel good about myself (no boobs, overweight still, permanent hair loss from chemo) .... I don't know that I ever will. I hope all of you find what you want. I'm too afraid to try again.
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I deleted my post about the guy for POF because I realized that I was giving him too much power and feeling depressed about it. I realized that how I feel right now (so soon after surgery) is a temporary feeling. Things will get better, it might take a while but that is OK. So I took my power back--rewrote my POF profile--to better fit where I am today.The truth is that while I would love to meet someone special, I'm not physically and emotionally ready right now. I believe that I need to honor those feelings and take care of myself, rather than worry about what men think of me right now--because it's temporary--I can lose weight, I can feel better, but they will still be jerks.
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Hrf, are you sure your hair loss is permanent? Did they tell you that? As for boobs, you can get recon? And of course, you can lose weight.
I really hope one day you reconsider and decide to put yourself out there again...when you are ready.
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