Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Toni, I have lost my sex drive, too. I am hoping when I meet someone I am interested in, the ole' fuzzy feelings come back....
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Maybe that is the ticket, you have to be with "the one".
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Loved reading everything everyone said here. I'm in the same boat. I would love to have someone, I would love to be able to count on someone and have dates for major holidays. Somewhere after being sick forever, being dissapointed by people that I am not dating and being angry over all of it, I have some work to do. I used to be joyful and exuberant and busy all the time and now I am mostly a sofa slug. I need to get off my butt, get to yoga and the running trails and find things that are fun and interesting for me. Then if I happen to bump into a great guy, it will take the pressure off since I will be genuine and not just acting like everything is OK. I hope to be in Yoga this Spring and we'll see. I hope I can be a brave as you when the opportunity presents itself.
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Perky, yeah, I was angry, too when the guy I liked went AWOL after my diagnosis. Angry, then sad. But like Meece points out, the right one won't do that.
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I had guys when they found out that wanted to "talk about it" but it ended up, they just wanted an opener to talk about themselves, or worse, a girl they used to know.
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New book (just in at our public library) "Intimacy After Breast Cancer" by Gina Maisano -- talks about both women who have pre-diagnosis partners AND the different challenges for women who are dealing with new partners .
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That would be an interesting read, I think.
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I think I am going to buy a 3/4 cap fall to feel a little sexier. These grandma curls on my short hair just don't make me feel very sexy. Then maybe I will post an on-line dating profile.
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http://www.nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org/
This is the link to Gina's support site. She can answer any questions you might have about her book.
Bren
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..and Gina is one of our long-standing bc.org members!
She used some information on my situation that I gave her in her book..can't wait to read it!
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Hey ladies! I'm racking my brain over how to handle my current situation. Hoping someone has good advice. I'm 34, diagnosed in 2009. I've done chemo, radiation, mastectomy and finally reconstrucion. So far so good after that! Anyway, thanks to modern technology I got back in touch with an old friend/boyfriend from many years ago. I had no intentions of it turning into more, just said hey how are ya it's been a few years etc... then he emailed back, and we emailed a few times, then talked a lot on the phone. He lives an hour away, so we finally got together for dinner a couple weeks ago. All this time it never came up about my previous diagnosis. First of all I didn't know if I'd even hear back from him after I sent the first message, then when I did I didn't expect where it's been going at all. I feel like I backed myself into a corner with telling him, and now I'm stuck, do I wait and see if it's even going any further, do I tell him now, and pray he doesn't run and that he doesn't feel like I was hiding something from him? Nothing physical has happened, he's a total gentleman. I'm just so lost on how and when to bring it up, how much do I say?? He seems like a great guy, a real gentleman, a good Dad and we've really enjoyed getting to know each other again over the last few weeks. I'm just so scared and clueless as to what to do. I was dating a guy when I was diagnosed, but I ended it because I decided he wasn't the one for me.
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Do you think you would like this to continue to something long-term? Even relationships without a life-changing event in the past have the same chance of "making it". Personally I waited until after I started dating Dh before told him. Yes, I was interested, but I didn't let it get too far along in case he headed for the hills. That way my heart was not too invested yet.
If having a history of BC scares him away, just think what would happen if another issue came up in your relationship. At least you would know. You want someone who will be there for you.
I didn't put my BC (I was in active tx at the time) out there at the beginning of any dating relationship, but got a big variety of responses. I would recommend that if he wants to see you again, you tell him face to face and see what happens. Explain that BC does not define you and you were waiting to bring it up.
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I do think he's a great guy so far, and I would like to see if there is a chance of it going further. We do have plans to get together again in a couple weeks, I figured I'd bring it up then. I didn't want to the 1st time we hung out because it was new, and we hadn't seen each other in years and I didn't know if we'd see each other again. Now that it looks like it's going towards more I need to open up and pray for the best! Dating on it's own is so new to me. I was married for 10 years, then divorced for a couple, then this, and I was sort of seeing a guy during treatment. So I'm still learning the ropes too, and I just don't want him thinking I was hiding something either.
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I was married 21 years before I went back out in the dating market, right in the midst of chemo.
I would explain to him that it isn't something you can easily talk about and didn't want to bring it up unless you thought there was potential in the relationship.
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Thanks so much for your advice, I've asked friends here but it's hard to really get advice from someone who hasn't experienced it!
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I wish you the best. So many aspects of our lives aren't understood by those who have not experienced BC. Don't give up, you have a great future. Let us know how things turn out.
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Dragonfly.....Slooooowwww down, girl! I would not tell a man my medical history after one date, but that's me. Also, why are you seeing other so infrequently if he only lives an hour away? A few weeks seems like a pretty big gap between dates. I'm sorry, not trying to be negative, just seeing some flags here and don't want you to get hurt.
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DH and I lived 45 minutes apart, and we dated every couple of weeks for the first couple months. Then once or twice a week (1 lunch, 1 dinner) there after. Each couple is different. We also talked a lot on the phone which sometimes is easier and gets more said than a conversation in person. We also used IM a lot at first, too.
I wouldn't suggest giving a whole medical history, but bringing up BC, and answering the questions he has would be enlightening on the relationship.
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Oh, okay.....well, things obviously worked out for you both, so there is much to be said for that. I still wouldn't tell a man my medical history until I knew he was pretty crazy about me, though. But everyone is different, there is no right or wrong for that.
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Hi all,
The medical history question is one I am really concerned about, when I start dating again. There are no good social rules for when to tell someone you have had cancer. Maybe we should write Ms. Manners and ask her input (LOL!)? I'm hoping there will just be a natural point where it comes up, but it seems like if you go too long without telling him that you're being almost deceitful, and too soon is weird and awkward. Yeesh - like dating in middle-age wasn't hard enough before!
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I was cancer free for almost 23 years and I waited until after the first kiss---if it was a good first kiss which to me means there might be a maybe future--then I would tell--slowly. If it was a bad first kiss and I didn't think there was a future, then it didn't matter. The way I usually brought it up was that I had "scars" and that my body wasn't perfect and how did he feel about that. If positive, then I would go into it more, if there was any negative reaction, then I backed off and realized this wasn't a guy for me. Have a joyous day and good luck to everyone finding that special someone.
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fearless - my divorce is 2 years old so I have no concerns with dating, he is recently divorced, and has a daughter that is the same age as mine. So for the kids sake, taking things slow, and ours too (babysteps he said
), and he has his daughter every other weekend so that only leaves 2 weekends a month, and I have my daughter 24/7 so trying to make time to get together is difficult, but to me not a red flag, we talk every night for 2-3 hours on the phone which is insane but it's great because we're taking the time to get to know each other really well before jumping into anything else. If that makes sense? I am hoping to get an idea on our next date if it's going to the relationship stage or romantic direction and more than friends before I bring it up, that was kind of my plan all along but I had pressure from friends to tell him ASAP! I am not a liar or a deceitful person so I don't want my not telling him to come across as that. 0 -
Just happened to look back on the email chain with my BF (we met on eHarmony and emailed daily for about 5 months before we could find a time to meet) -- one of the initial questions was "what has been the greatest challenge in your life" and my answer was "Dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment four years ago -- made me focus more on the joys of each day." so that's been out there from about day 1. Worked for me because I never felt I was hiding anything (except, of course, a bad case of messy-housekeeping) -- and because I was doing it by email I didn't actuallty have to say it face-to-face.
But what worked for me might not work for anyone else, or with a different type of guy.
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i just don't feel that you are being dishonest if you don't tell him right away. You would be dishonest if you conceled it when asked a question which would involve your BC in the answer.
I did wait until after our first kiss. And now that I think about it, working around our kids, both of us had two living at home, had a lot to do with how often we met up.
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Thanks Meece, sounds like a similar situation. I think if I did meet him some way like eharmony or such I might have been more up front. This guy I knew many years ago, but hadn't talked since, we just reconnected, and at first I thought it was just a hey what's up how ya been, and then we'd go a few years without talking again so I didn't think anything of it....
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I think he will be understanding when you do tell him. He'd be a jerk to hold it against you for not telling him sooner.
Although BC has made a huge impact on my life, it is not what defines me as a person. It is just one ingredient in the cake that is "Meece".
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Hadley - What a story (about your father), you are one tough woman yourself and should be commended on your spirit and drive. How have you been doing? Feeling? Has he entered AA or is he seeking help and how about yourself, hopefully you will find so much support here on this site...wishing you only good things and gentle hugs..you vent away sister! :-)
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Very well stated Meece - Ive always said too that in my Garden it was just the poisen ivy that had to go....hahaha!!! Yeh, it came, I dealt with it and then it died, but I didn't. Have to look to the new and upcomming and future and enjoy the days we do and if there are obstacles in those days then so be it....go thru um and keep on going!! Like a freight train with a cow catcher on the front!!! CHOO - CHOO!!!!!! Have an awesome day!
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Ok ladies I have to tell you.... He had said he may have a long lunch for work today and asked if I'd want to drive up and meet him, and offered to give me gas $. I said sure I'd love to (without gas $ money though) so we talked last night and he was going to call me and let me know if he could take a long lunch and when. So around 9 I was sitting here in my robe, slippers and no makeup and he showed up at my house
I was SOOOO surprised, Sunday we had talked and I said I am always surprising my daughter but don't get surprised, so he planned it since then! We hung out and visited all day and went to lunch, once I got over being mortified at being seen in my morning get up I was so touched he did it!0 -
Whoohoo, Dragonfly. You have a guy who might be showing a little romantic side. That sounds intriguing!
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