Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
Comments
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Shobr - I found your story really uplifting - thank you so much for sharing.
Fearless - I'm in a similar position as you - single and 48. I would really love to find someone wonderful and fall in love. It may happen, it may not happen. I know, though, that if I "settle" for someone who does not really care about me, then it definitely won't happen. The one "good" thing to come out of my cancer diagnosis is the realization that I cannot waste precious time on people who are not good people to have in my life, whether they are boyfriends, friends, or family. I do understand the draw of someone who is paying attention to you, even if it's only a little attention. That's what my ex-boyfriend (I don't like that phrase but don't have another) did - whenever I would back away, he would get attentive, but then HE would back away after I got lured in again. I don't have the energy to play that game with him.
Hoping this is the year we BOTH find the loves of our lives!
Karen
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shortbr, no, don't apologize - you were trying to help me and you are very kind...
Karen, I agree. Better to be alone than with someone who isn't fully committed or isn't into me. I guess I just start to lose faith after all these years, but I know that people older than myself have found love.
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Shorbr - What a great story.
Fearless and Karen, I'm in the same situation as you - 46 and single. When I was younger, I went out with a lot of really great guys, but I wasn't ready to settle down. I wish I had been ready to commit and settle down in my twenties or early 30's. I don't seem to meet as many great men now. My last boyfriend is actually a really nice guy - he was totally there for me during my BC journey even though we had broken up 5 months before my diagnosis - but he has real commitment (or at least marriage) issues. I'm currently dating someone who's very nice and really smart (I like intelligent men), but I don't really feel the chemistry. Part of it may be part of the BC recovery process, but part of it is that there's either chemistry or not. As I get older though, I wonder if I'm going to have to compromise on some things. I think chemistry is very important, but finding a nice guy is even more important (having chemistry with a not-so-nice guy is not good at all). I just spent the weekend at my younger sister's. She's married and has two kids (it was my nephew's birthday). Spending the weekend with them really makes me wish I had gotten married younger and had kids.
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But LG, your singledom is not for lack of interest from suitable men. You can't help if you are not attracted to them. But I can't seem to attract them. Or when I do, they don't take me seriously.
I used to think I was fairly attractive, but after sending pictures to a guy I was dating who hadn't seen me since my BC treatment and then never hearing from him again, I am thinking I am not very attractive anymore. I look at pics before BC and after, and I have aged 10 years.
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Fearless, I think once you regain your health and strength post-treatment, you will start feeling better, and younger. Sometimes we look aged just by the stress we are going through and when the stress ends, we rebound some. Maybe make sure you are keeping very hydrated and treat yourself to a facial and/or a new haircut/color? When you feel good, it will reflect in how you look.
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Meece, I've been out of chemo for over a year. Physically, I feel fine. But the treatments aged me and my hair looks ridiculous. If I don't think I'm sexy, it's no wonder no men do. And attraction is #1 for a man. If he isn't physically attracted to me, nothing else will matter. It will end there.
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Fearless, just like you said, you have to feel sexy/attractive. I know it's hard. I didn't go through chemo - I'm so sorry you had to - but I definitely don't feel as sexy with my scarred foobs. Sometimes doing things like Meece suggested - a new haircut or color - helps. I got my hair straightened after my BMX - mostly it was to make it easier to take care of, but it also made me feel more attractive. Also, regarding my singledom not being due to lack of interest of men, although I'm dating now, I really thought my last boyfriend, whom I went out with for 3 years, and I were going to get married. We're still really good friends, but he doesn't want to marry me. It sucks. I just feel so comfortable with him, and it's difficult for me to feel that way with someone else.
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I think you need a spa day. Focus on how you feel about yourself, not how you think you will be perceived by others. Buy a new outfit, just for your pleasure!
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Thank you ladies for your kind words. I am just more down since I sent my sort-of-bf those pics that he asked for and then I never heard from him again.
I told my mom I felt ugly since treatment and she told me it was in my head, but apparently I do look different now. He was calling every night, and since I sent the photos (which he wanted), nothing.
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The thing that looks most different about me is my hair, I guess he couldn't handle that. It's not like I gained a bunch of weight or anything. But I do look different since he last saw me. So if he can't handle chemo hair and the fact that I look a bit tired, then perhaps he is a shallow person.
It's sad, how easily some of these guys get turned off. I feel kind sorry for whoever he ends up with because if she gets sick, I think he is the kind of guy that would leave her.
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Hi Fearless,
I'm also single, although I have been married 17 years going through breast cancer without a partner was on of the hardest thing I had to go through. I found the other day a poem written by Jorge Luis Borges that I loved, hope you love it too it's called learning,
After a while
You learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn
That love doesn't mean leanning and
Company doesn't mean security
And you begin
To learn that kisses aren't contracts and
Presents aren't promises
And you beging
To accept your defeats with your head up
And your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult,
Not the grief of a child.
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Tomorrow's grounds are too uncertain for plans
After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns a little if
You get too much
To plant ypour own garden
Amd decorate your soul instead of
Waiting for somebody to bring you flowers.
An you learn
That you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really have worth.
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Thank you, that was very beautiful..... I am sorry you had to go through BC alone, too. Are you dating yet?
I suspect down the road I may hear from this guy again, just out of sheer guilt - I know he feels badly but he is no longer attracted to me, so it would put him in an awkward position to respond. But if and when that day comes, I never plan on speaking to him again.
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You might keep your options open. Are you sure he got your pics, he may be feeling you slighted him by not sending him pics. (If he didn't get them.) Just saying, it could be miscommunications. I guess I say that because I never met anyone who who just drop off the face of the earth because of pics. If you don't live close it could be that there is someone else in the picture.
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No, it was the pics. I am sure he got them, I even did a "test run" to my own email to make sure. He was calling every night and wanting to plan to come see me or for me to come up there again. I know it would seem there is someone else, but he stopped calling on the night I sent the photos.
I am sad but it's for the best. I am glad I sent the photos. It hurts, but better to know how he feels now.
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I just want the best for everyone, and was hoping there was something innocent to it. I am so sorry.
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Fearless, you're right, it's for the best. If that is the reason the guy didn't call again, he's a total jerk and you're much better off without him. Good to find it out now.
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Meece, it's okay - it really is for the best. Like LG300 says, if that truly was the reason, It's good that I found out now rather than later.... I agree he is a total jerk. I had a history with this guy, it's not like we just met or anything.
I suppose it is possible he may have hooked up with someone the same night I sent the pics, but so far as I know, he wasn't seeing anyone and was in contact every night, so I'm guessing it was the pics. I'll never know.
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Fearless - that he didn't respond says something bad about HIM, not about you. Maybe he just can't deal with the reality of cancer (I had a close female friend who disappeared on me during treatment - I think she just got scared). You deserve better.
I think Meece is right - you need to start treating yourself better. Go to the spa, get a massage, or buy yourself a new outfit. I am the kind of person that always buys sensible, neutral clothes, especially for work. I usually buy one cheap black purse a year, and use it until it falls apart. I went out and bought myself a shimmery lilac purse the other week, and I swear that purse makes me feel more attractive! It is WAY out of character for me to have this, but I wanted it and I got it.
Danielaes - thanks for the poem - it's very appropriate!
LG300 - I had a friend who always said about dating in middle-age: "the pond has been fished out" (LOL) Yes, there are definitely fewer men out there to choose from. Chemistry doesn't matter as much to me as it once did, but it still matters some.
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Karenlen - LOL about the pond quote :-) Chemistry doesn't matter to me as much as it once did either. This is due to both changing priorities as I get older and the fact that I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and surgical menopause has really diminished my sex drive. Unfortunately, sex is still an important part of a relationship for most men (even the most patient man who really cares about you). Even if I really, really like a guy, I can't sleep with him unless I feel the sexual attraction as well.
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Well I think the guy I had been talking about, is not "the one".... we too were talking every night. Actually have plans to hang out this weekend. But lately I just have that "bad" feeling in my stomach. He always texts and calls at night, last night I never heard from him. Finally around 10:30 I was heading to bed so I text and said hi, and that I hoped everything was ok. he responded right away that everything was fine with a smiley face...then he text he was tired and was going to bed. I was like what in the world??? Then today too he was just different/distant. So I am thinking maybe what he wants is either not me, or not a relationship in general. Maybe I'm jumping the gun here on assuming this, but I just am feeling really deflated tonight and very sad that it's so hard to find a good person, a person that wants ME for ME! I have tons of girl friends and guy friends, and friends that are guys that wish they weren't married lmao! But yet I can't find a guy that is available and wants to date me
It's just so sad to me after everything I've been through to deal with this too. So I feel like guarding my heart, locking it up and throwing away the key. I can and will be happy on my own, I was doing just great before I reunited with this guy. I am going to see if he calls tonight and go from there, if not then I'm thinking it's a clear sign, and I refuse to be that girl chasing after a guy that's not really that interested. 0 -
Dragonfly, don't jump to conclusions. It's just one night. I hope things work out with you and that guy.
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He called, but nothing too spectacular, a lot of that awkward silence....
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hrf...what chemo cocktail did you have?
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Fearless,
when I was first diagnosed I was in a relationship, not a very committed one but that made me feel really good, the guy, as many others that I hear about in this site, disappeared very fast. I think that he didn't fear the illness,he just couldn't handle my emotional reaction to it, he is one of those guys that emotions scare him. That was one of my strongest blows, and it hit me almost as hard as getting cancer, not because I was in love with him, but because he left at a moment that I needed him so much...
Now I'm just waiting for my hair to grow again to get back in the "game" I want to feeling more confident to start dating.
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He knows I have been done with treatment for quite some time, so I don't think he was scared. He just is no longer attracted to me when he saw the new pictures. I know he is just one guy, but it just is going to be hard to muster the self-confidence to start dating after something like this happens. I already wasn't feeling great about my "new" appearance, and this didn't help.
I am seriously thinking about going back to a long, sexy wig and maybe getting some sexier clothes. I just feel invisible right now.
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Do it ,Fearless_one. You could have some fun with it!
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I'd rather go out as myself, but that doesn't seem to be working.... I guess I will worry about explaining the wig once I actually am involved with someone. I am thinking the hair was a big part of it because that is the thing about me that looks the most different now.
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Cat, my first chemo was FEC. My second was TC.
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Part of me hopes to hear from him again one day so I can tell him what a jerk he is. I know that sounds childish, but I am so hurt and angry.
At the very least, he still could have remained a friend to me after he knows all I went through.
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Hadley! Haven't seen you on here in awhile, I hope you are well! Yeah, I agree with you about most men. He called today at my work, but I wasn't at my desk. I expected to find a "let's just be friends" email when I got home, but nothing.
He waited too long to contact me. He should have said something when I sent him the pics.
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