Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I would love to have a guy's perspective on when you tell them you had breast cancer and a mastectomy leaving you with one real and one fake boob. When do you tell them your fake boob looks like a war zone? I wouldn't be dating if I really didn't want to find someone. I'm just hoping there's someone out there who can overlook all of it or even better embrace it. I also worry about the lack of hormones and painful sex. I've read about it but it seems to be the little secret no one talks much about. It's all kind of scary. I guess it's the risk of being hurt because of your cancer when you know you're more than your cancer. It's really encouraging to read the stories of such strong women on here.
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Kathleenm, I really think with the right guy it just won't matter. He will still think you are beautiful. Personally, it is not something I wouId tell someone in the early stages of dating, but that's me. I would need to know first that they had fairly strong feelings for me.
As for the pain, lack of lube and all, there are great things for that....I was thinking of buying Liquid Goddess which is mainly coconut oil, but supposedly not as refined or something. I will not put the chemical laden ones in me. Good Clean Love is a natural one, but has some glycerine, I think - so if you are prone to infections you might not want one with glyerine.
I am not sexually active right now, but just need an every day lube.
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Sadly I've been out of the dating scene until this past summer so I don't even know what's considered early stages! I had made a personal decision when I got divorced that I wasn't going to date and just concentrate on raising my children. I don't regret having done that because it gave me time to understand myself and what I need from a relationship. I was just starting to think about dating again when I was diagnosed. Well having the breast cancer did make me realize that I don't want to spend my life without a partner.
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That's been the cruel irony of it for me - BC made me want a partner more, to share my life with someone - but it has made it harder for me to attract that into my life.
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Well I went on my weekend trip with the guy I was telling you ladies about. Oh man I am either a mental case or he's making me one? Ok first of all I did date the guy about 14 years ago, so I do remember he was slow to make a move, shy and a real genetleman. Anyway we reconnected, have gone on a few dates, we talk every night, and text. He calls me every morning to make sure I'm up for work. Then he planned a big surprise of showing up and spending the day with me a few days ago. Fast forward to this weekend....we went away this weekend and he was super sweet and fun and funny etc... We had a great time but most of the time we sat on seperate couches, and in different beds at night. Although last night we did finally sit together and watch a couple movies, then laid in my bed and watched a movie. The movie ended and he asked if I wanted him to go back to his room, and I said no. However in ALL of this he's not tried to hold my hand or kiss me.... So my question is, and what's causing me mental stress... Is he A) not interested
interested and moving very slow? or is there something else? I'm just torn, I like him but don't know if it's never going to be a "relationship" or just friends?0 -
Probably interested but moving slowly - may be afraid that to cause you physical pain
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Thank you, I really just am trying to go from his actions and see if I should just be patient and see what happens or if I'm missing signs he's not interested? You know that movie, "He's just not into you" That's my biggest fear. I don't want to chase a guy not into me.
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Dragonfly, of course he is interested or wouldn't have spent the long weekend - if they are not interested, trust me, they will just ignore you, like mine did.
I think he is either shy or fears hurting you physically.
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Thank you fearless, I guess I just know I am not so good at relationships so I struggle with trying to figure it all out. I'm a pure black and white person, so if it's not that I exhaust myself trying to force it into one of those pockets. If that makes sense.
I hope you can get to feeling better about yourself. I know that it helps to get out and do stuff, get your hair colored or cut and a hobby or something. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping a prince charming comes around!
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I think you should make a move, physically. Clearly, he is interested. He calls every day and wants to see you. If he was losing interest, you would just stop hearing from him.
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Ok, well.... we just had "the talk".... he is recently divorced, and just not ready for the physical part of the relationship yet because that moves it to the serious level. He said he does like me a lot, finds me attractive, has a lot of fun with me and enjoys talking to me. So he said basically taking it very slow because he's still scared and hurt from his ex wife and he just has a lot of stuff going on. So I'm trying not to feel hurt, and I told him I'd be patient that now I know he does like me and that he just needs more time to move forward then I'm ok with that, but am I? I told him I like him a lot, and that taking it slow is ok and I'm not in any hurry to rush into something major. He said it could take another month, could take 6 months but that he doesn't want to scare me away, wants to be honest and make sure we're on the same page. We do get along great, he's the biggest gentleman I've ever met, and he's got a great sense of humor etc... So what do I do?
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Honest is good. At least he is talking.
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Honestly, it could be fine - but if you are looking for a committed relationship, I would see other people after what he said. I just would not be willing to wait 6 months or longer until someone feels "ready" to be with me.
My guy never called again. He called that one time at work, but I was away. I can't imagine what he was calling to say...probably either the "let's be friends" line or maybe to tell me he met someone? But he could do that in an email, right? He definitely did not like my pics or he would have commented and I would have continued to hear from him.
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Maybe it's the best thing then for me right now, because I'm not sure how committed I want to be ya know? Like seeing him a couple times a month is good, more is better, but I'm not ready I know, for a daily thing or having that 100% relationship yet. So I think I'll just wait it out for now, at least and give him some time and see. I suppose if it's meant to be it will work out in the long run, man patience is not my strong trait
Fearless - I do hate to agree with you but I tend to on this one. I'm so sorry, it's too bad that people not just men in general, are SO judgemental and focus only on the outside appearances. You don't want someone like him, he sounds like he's shallow, and not strong enough to be there for/with you. Keep looking, make yourself happy just being you and living life. I know it sounds silly but that's what I was doing. I just decided I wasn't looking, I was spending lots of time with friends, family and keeping busy. You have to be happy with you, and confident, otherwise someone else will not see you that way. Screw that guy, you deserve so much more!!
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Hi Dragonfly and other ladies
I've had two experiences since being diagnosed - well sort of 3. The first was with a guy who'd lost his wife 10 months earlier to another form of cancer. He was not in a good place and he mucked me about - it was very brief and I was literally diagnosed the next day after it finished. He called me a few times to see how I was and I bumped into him once or twice over the years - that is now 3 1/2 years ago. After chemo and 3 weeks after mastectomy I met boyfriend 2 and dated him for a year. He had no problem with how I looked or anything about what I was going through and he was pretty supportive but long term it was not meant to be. Fast forward to beginning of Jan. The date from 3 1/2 years ago got in contact and wanted a chat, dinner, drinks etc - wanted to be given a second chance. The reason I'm telling you this is because he is now in a completely different place to 3 1/2 years ago. I now hear from him all the time - he's chasing me like crazy. Obviously I'm now quite wary and I told him so and he said he understands and it's up to him to do whatever he needs to do. this feeling is sooooooooo nice. I'm scared about it all coz I still have moments when I get scared about what's happened to me and bearing in mind he lived with his wife and her diagnosis for 5 years - I find it hard to understand why he would want to get involved with me and I still need support on a regular basis - he said he wants to be the one to give me that support. I'm in a bit of turmoil right now about all of this - nice turmoil though because I really like him and he's being amazing.
So moral of the story is - it wasn't right then and it's much more right now and he came back to find me!
Rxxx
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Dragonfly, why do you suppose he called that one time? I think he was feeling some guilt about blowing me off after I sent the photos, If he wanted to tell me he met someone or whatever, I suppose he could have done so in an email.
Overall, I am embarrassed, oddly enough. I know it's not my fault, but I was rejected purely on photos - by someone who already knew me - who I had dated and slept with and known for over 2 years - and it does sting.
Reb, sounds like your guy had a real good reason to be leary after his wife died. Normally I never advocate going back to someone, but in this case, I can see why you would want to try.
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Oddly, it would have made me feel better if he had met someone, rather than rejected me after seeing my photos. He used to tell me how beautiful I was (in his eyes, at least). Fast forward after my treatments and he is no longer attracted. I have been quite sad.
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Can I ask you ladies, in the event I were to ever hear from him again, would you just ignore him or tell him what a shallow jerk he was?
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Hadly, I agree. Not sure why he called that one day - probably was going to end it, and didn't want to do it via email. He hasn't called since.
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I disagree. Several times in the past (dare I say 38? years), men have shown interest in me, then disappeared, only to reappear months or a year or so later. I gave them a second chance and the relationship lasted for years (11 years with one guy). Your guy may not know what he wants. In my opinion, you should give him some space and if he returns, give him a second chance. Good luck.
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Speak of the Devil, he just called again at my work, but I was not at my desk again. He never leaves message. I really think maybe he feels badly about blowing me off after the photos, but that's about it.
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Same here. I have no interest in dating at this time, I want to concentrate on my children and my health.
Divorced on the same day I was diagnosed with bc this past September.
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Hi all...a singles train! Yes....not that I want to be on this train.....my partner of 16 years left 10 months before my diagnosis...was there for me for my surgeon appointment and my surgery..called me every day of rads...still texts or calls me daily...all very confusing...grieving us was hard enough....BC made me come out of that funk...somehow it seemed a lot more doable than splitting with the many I thought I was supposed to be growing old with.. I am certainly not emotinally ready for dating yet...but I was hit on by an old acquiantance two months ago..and I was 100% competely oblivious..."Hell no. I am not in the least bit interested" I said in response to his comment about "us both being over our spouses and lovable people"...what do you think....ehll no! (but I meant me, period...not about me and him, which I didn't even recognize for what it was until the next day)...funny moment...but I was oblivious..it has been 20 years since I dates..and I didn't really date..no idea how to do it any more ....
perhaps because my breast is still somewhat intact, I am not feeling what I 'feel ' you gals feeling...I expect I will talk about the breast cancer and assume it is fine...then again, maybe not. When I was talking about it with the fellow above, I was not thinkning of him as a potential partner...I was thinking of him and talking to him as a friend only...
Getting to know someone nakes at 48 is VERY different from doing it at 32...at least with the clothes on I can mask things..and I am talking the tummy not the boobs! ARGH
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I've been lurking for a while now and thought I'd add my two cents about men who don't call--there is a great book by Pat Allen--"Getting to I Do". She writes that men think differently than women and can go a long periods of time inbetween contact and think nothing of it----especially if he has a reminder (such as a picture or a voice message on a machine) by looking at the picture or listening to a voice message--he feels like he's still in contact. Her advice---8 weeks--don't call, write or initiate any contact for 8 weeks--if he's interested he will contact you within that time period and there could be nothing "wrong" except he got busy with other things. But if he doesn't contact you within 8 weeks, then he's just not interested. I've gone as far as marking the 8 weeks on the calender and by the time it rolled around, I wasn't interested in him anymore.
I had BC twice, when I was 32 and 55, so I've dated a lot of men throughout that period. What is important to me, is not what they think but how I feel about them. If a guy doesn't call back, I believe that the universe (or God, spirit, source-whatever you call the univeral power of all) is protecting me against someone that is not right for me and allowing space for the right one to appear. I watch how they treat me--and not calling is a lack of respect that I don't tolerate, instead of focusing on "what's wrong with me that he didn't call", I focus on that he is smuck and I'm better off without him. I love the story about the guy calling back after a couple of years--he knew he wasn't relationship material the first time but he thought enough of you to call you back when he was ready for something serious. He--I would go out with and realize how special you are to him.
I refuse to feel like a victim of cancer and that somehow I am "less" than someone who hasn't had BC. I think our attitude about how we feel about ourselves is transmitted to other people. If we feel good about ourselves, people (both men and women) pick up on it, if we feel "less than", or have a victim consciousness, then people pick up on that too. People will treat you how you expect to be treated--I expect dignity and respect, anything less than that is unacceptable.
I think the really tough part is how to meet age appropriate men. I live where in an area they call "The Gay 90's"--all the single available men are either gay or 90. I work from my home and I travel for business, so I don't interact with locals very often. But I stay busy with work, my volunteer activities (very active with ACS and Gildas) and I know that one day my life will change because someone special showed up and stayed. I trust that the universe knows what is best for me, my job is to enjoy the journey where ever it takes me and that includes being single.
have a joyous day, VJ
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VJ I love your post, especially the part about "is not what they think but how I feel about them" at times we are so busy trying to be liked that we forget about our needs and wants and we lose ourselves in a harming relationship or searching for "the guy". I also will love to be in a relationship but only one in which I feel loved, respected and appreciated I don't deserve less than that.
Daniela
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8 weeks?? I give them 3 days, lol! Sorry, but if a guy doesn't call (or shoot you an email) for days, he is not that interested. But I agree with you about us being "protected" by something not meant to be when this happens.
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Fearless-One : I think you should give the guy a chance and CALL HIM BACK.
He has now tried twice to reach you - that shows he is interested in my book. You are just pre-supposing the reason for him not contacting you initally when you sent the photos. How do you know what he was thinking, and how do you know he even got the pics? If a girl-friend had twice called me and I missed the call , I would call her back - so it is no different with a man-friend.
For your own satisfaction, I think you should at least find out why he called you.Then you can make up your mind.
Sam
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okay, he called at work again and I picked up. He acted like nothing happened - sounded depressed, has some family problems. I talked to him for awhile.
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and, and.....??
Did you ask him why the long silence? Sounds like his family problems may be the reason why he didn't make contact for a long while.
It does sound more hopeful.
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I mentioned something about not hearing from him for awhile and he said sarcastically that my phone must only work for inbound calls (since I never call him). Then we just started talking about other things....
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