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Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited December 2010
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    Hi Tabbymom. I'm 18 months out of chemo. What hair did grow back is very thin and fine and just "lays there" ... no body - I used to have very thick and very curly hair with lots of shine and body. The crown of my head as well as the front hairline are so thin that my scalp shows through. The only place I seem to have almost normal growth is on both sides just around my ears. So after 18 months there really isn't any hope left. My onc admitted that not everyone's hair grows back. That's not what she used to say but she now sees the reality and she has a couple of patients like me. She said there is nothing that can be done because the chemo damaged it so badly. So I can't style my hair because no matter what I do it just lies there - very thin and flyaway looking .....

  • lauri
    lauri Member Posts: 59
    edited December 2010
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    Working on it -- met a really nice guy online (eHarmony) and told him about BC early on in our emails; even told him about the mastectomy before we met face-to-face.

    Haven't done "the big reveal" -- but if/when if gets to that at least he won't be totally surprised.

    And my hair is fine, flat and flyaway -- but it has been tht way my whole life.

  • Tabbymom
    Tabbymom Member Posts: 3
    edited December 2010
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    Laurie, does he seem supportive?   Does he still call and want to see you often?   Uggh...I worry about this stuff.....

    Hrf, I really wouldn't lose all hope about your hair yet.   It may be coming in thin and slow, but it sounds like it is coming in.  Mine grew in unevenly, too - sparser in some areas than in others.  I hear going over your head in the shower with a warm, nubby washcloth helps remove "scales" (dead skin, follicles, etc) that have formed on the scalp?   Not sure if it works, but that's what I have read.  

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited December 2010
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    Tabbymom, thanks for the encouragement. I'll let you know if there is any change

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    I had a couple of ladies tell me to come over here and tell my story so if you have the patience to read further, here it is.

    I had been in a marriage of 21 1/2 years in which the majority had been oppressive and abusive.  I was trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage and still be able to support my three boys.  The first went into the military, but was terribly concerned about leaving me.  Then one morning I felt a lump.  It was if it came up over night and it was unmistakable. I started working harder on finding a way to make my exit.  After 17 year of sharing a business with Ex, I found a part time job.  Then, I left.

    I got my diagnosis and got up to surgery(a partial mx) without any outside support because my SIL out of state was dying of pulmonary failure and my family was with her and my brother.  My parents came home in time to be there on the day of surgery and confirmation that I had TN BC.  I began chemo and lost ALL my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes.  I got a nice wig and continued working my part time job and going to chemo after the job.  I missed one day for surgery. A couple of months into chemo my BF gave me a membership to an on line matchmaking service.  She had explained it was just to visit with other people.  HA!

    That first night I looked through profiles and saw several that caught my eye.  I sent one a PM and that started an on-line relationship, and a week later we began dating.  I did not tell him of my BC to begin with.  I didn't want to put it out there if the relationship wasn't going anywhere.  The first night we kissed, my wig slipped and I had to tell him.  He asked for another date.

    We dated through the rest of my chemo, and he asked to come with me to my last one. We dated  through radiation and through my hair regrowing.  About 13 months after we met, we got engaged, and we married 4 months  later. 

    We have been married 5 years and 4 months and he has been there for just about every doctor appointment and two reconstructive surgeries and the recovery.  Also two other surgeries.  Each time I have woke to him beside my bed.

    I am a lucky woman.  I know this is not the typical story, but it is mine.  We have our issues, but none of them are related to BC.  3 years ago at Christmas we needed to go to a party and I had one of my melt downs because I had nothing to wear hat would minimize the obvious lopsidedness I had.  DH carefully went to the Christmas tree and went through the gifts and pulled one out.  Inside was a beautiful red turtleneck sweater.

    I hope that this little insight into my life brings hope to those of your who are suffering through the loneliness of BC.  I know it can be lonely, because although I had a companion, I came home every night alone.  yes I had my boys, but it isn't a substitute for someone to talk about the intimate issues of the day. 

    Oh, how this website would have helped me back then.   I found it...oops, no....DH found it for me In Sept. 09 when I was facing another bx.  What a special man.

  • lauri
    lauri Member Posts: 59
    edited December 2010
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    Meece -- great story !!  sounds like you got a good one (finally !)

    Tabbymom -- we've been emailing daily about 5 months, only were able to meet a few weeks ago (long distance, complex schedules) so he has known about the BC for several months and he wasn't frightened off by the idea.  Seeing each other about once a week (still a long distance) and emailing more frequenty since we met.

    hrf and VJSL8 - I don't think I was ready for this until this year (4 years out from dx) -- hair is back to normal, neuropathy reduced, don't think about BC every day, retired from stressful job.  You'll know when you're ready -- when you know that any guy that isn't interested in you just the way you are "doesn't know what good is." 

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Meece, that story brought tears to my eyes and renewed my faith that one day I may be so lucky as to meet a man like that.

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    They are out there.  I did date others, some were losers from the get go and some were not bad, just no spark.  I was blessed, for being patient to make sure he was THE ONE.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Yeah, guess it is kind of a numbers game and you have to date quite a few....

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    That is true.  DH was the first I contacted, but until I had someting to compare it to, I wasn't sure.

  • Hopefloats41725
    Hopefloats41725 Member Posts: 42
    edited December 2010
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    IdidIFearless - I didn't mean anyone was ignoring me, Fearless, I must of messed up typing.  I was just expressing my creep ignoring ME.  Back to you....."Hugs"!

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Meece, you contacted him first?   You are brave.   I never contact the guys first - I am really old school that way!   Maybe I should......

  • claire_in_seattle
    claire_in_seattle Member Posts: 2,793
    edited December 2010
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    Fearless..... the worst that can happen is that they say "no".  I contacted some who lived thousands of miles away.  Not because I would date them, but was fun to connect.

    You work it like a sales call.  That is: why you think you guys should get together based on something in his profile.  I did that several times.

    Reminds me that I need to send my Match.com friend a current picture of me.  We weren't a good fit, but was nice to be chased by someone 15 years younger than I am.  Plus, he was wonderful to me when I was diagnosed.

    Good luck!!!

    (Right now, I am happy with the person in my life so not looking.)

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Ah, but Claire, it is when you do have someone in your life and you aren't looking that you find men so drawn to you!   At least that's been my experience.   Then when I am single, no one is interested, it's like I don't exist...

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    Yep, I contacted him.  I had others who I contacted who weren't receptive, and some contacted me and I wasn't receptive.  Some guys like to be contacted because it is a head start since they know at least there is some interest so they won't get an immediate turn down.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    I don't know, I have a sinking feeling it's just not going to happen.   I am 45 and never married.   Having BC is not going to speed matters along in that department.  

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    There is someone out there for you.  It's just not as easy at our age.  We don't get "out" as much.  Guess that's why the internet is so popular.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Thank you, Meece.   It is nice to hear that and I hope you are right.    Yeah, I agree that we just aren't "out there" as much as someone in their 20's or even 30's.

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    DH was sort of an indoor guy, and with me going through tx, I wasn't out much.  Plus we lived 35 miles away from each other.  Very unlikely we would have met if not for the internet.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Can I ask you, did he call a lot in the beginning and want to see you often?  I think the ones that like us the most tend to call every day and want to see us often.    The ones who are just stringing us along for something better tend to call every so often...

  • lauri
    lauri Member Posts: 59
    edited December 2010
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    Fearless and Meece -- oh,  to be 45 again !  Try 65 -- and I hope you will !! 

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    Yes, every morning before work for a half and hour and every afternoon after work for about an hour.  We saw each other once or twice a week.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Meece, did you call him too, or he was always the one to call?  Sorry so many questions, I just am not good at dating.

    Ah, Lauri, maybe by 65 I will be a little better at dating and know more of what men want.   Cause I don't seem to have a clue!   

  • dawn31337
    dawn31337 Member Posts: 93
    edited December 2010
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    I have not found love, but I am getting all the action I could want.  Right now I can't give 100% of myself, so I don't expect that in return.  I am still doing chemo and still have TE's probably until April.

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    He usually called me.  But he had me make the first call to him.  Go ahead and ask me, and if I remember, I'll let you know. 

    I waited nine months after meeting him until I could give  100%.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited December 2010
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    Meece, sounds like you did everything right - you met lots of people, you were brave enough to take the lead, and yet you didn't dive in until you were ready.  

    I do everything opposite, lol!  I don't meet enough people, I don't take the lead, and dive in right away!   And then usually get hurt. 

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    Oh I got hurt in one of the relationships, but it was my fault, I thought I could "fix" the guy. I worked so hard, did so much for him, and got nothing back.

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited December 2010
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    Funny story about that one, a very good friend of his, was a very good friend of DH.  That friend told the guy I had got married, and the guy emailed me a "why" note.  I told him, that DH was ALWAYS there for ME, unlike he was.

  • toni30
    toni30 Member Posts: 68
    edited January 2011
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    I'm so glad I found this thread. Thank you for sharing your stories.  It's encouraging to hear that some of you have found love after BC.  I am just finishig my treatment and I seem to have no interest in love (or sex), which is really depressing. My New Year's resolution is to perk up my wardrobe and learn how to flirt, and maybe that will get me my groove back. Pass along any advice to those of us still wandering in the wilderness.

  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 10,618
    edited January 2011
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    I guess I could say, I just had a mind set not to let chemo and tx make me miss out on anything.

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