Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I read it wrong earlier... I'd see this lie as a big red flag, what else is there he's not telling you about? You took a step and owned up to the BC right away to be fair and honest and he was lying to you!!!
I wish my pic was taken in Miami Beach, but a beach none the same.Thanks for the compliments, it was a blast at the beach that day
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Karyn, what a terrible thing for you - hubby and best friend - talk about betrayal. Congratulations to you for getting through it. Let us know what you decide to do with new guy
DF, any word on your friend?0 -
She went to the doc today and is having an ultrasound on Monday. She didn't really say much more than that
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kward70, i'd be wary. very wary. you know lies about stuff like that? liars. liars lie. it's what they do and it doesn't really matter what the topic is because they will always find a way to justify their lie to themselves. run away, please. you deserve (and can do) way, way better.
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I have to agree with the other ladies here, Karyn. A flat-out lie on date #1? I guess I just have zero tolerance for lying. I would not go out with him again. I realize someone doesn't have to fess up everything on the first date, but that's not the same as lying. He could have just said "sorry, i'm not really ready to talk about that yet" - that is honest, at least.
Dating him won't do much for your "trust issues", I'm afraid.
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While I agree not to sure on how trustworthy this dude is for not being upfront... I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite? I didn't and will NOT tell about my BC up front before we meet, or on the 1st or 2nd date. Does that make me a liar? What if he found out on my facebook about it? I know being married and cancer are 2 totally different things, although for me they both sucked.... I do agree though he should/could of said I would rather not talk about this right now, or lets save that for a later date/discussion... However we all know guys don't think about it like that. Strange though?
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No, DF, you are under no obligation to tell everyone everything at the first meeting. That is information that you should only share when you are comfortable. You are not a hypocrite. Nope, he lied. Just flat out left out an extra wife. That is very strange.
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Dragon, if someone asked if you had a history of any serious illness and you said no, that would be lying. It's okay to not be comfortable discussing something - there is no way I would discuss my medical history on the first few dates - but if someone were to ask me, I would either tell them the truth, or tell them I am not comfortable discussing it.
I realize I am rigid in this regard, but honestly is probably the most important thing I want in a mate (mate, lol! Such a strange word....)
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Here's a question for all of you. What would you do if a guy told you on the first date that he had been addicted to cocaine at one time but was now clean and had already been married and divorced 2 times? Or what if a different guy - also first date - told you he was bipolar and was on medication? I have had both of these happen to me. I'll tell you how it went but first I would like to hear your reactions?
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Just a side note on dating (or marrying) guys with the same name -- avoids blurting out the wrong name during tender moments, but makes it tough on your friends when you have to refer to the guys as "#1" and "#2" to keep everyone straight. My daughter, on hearing that I was dating again, said "NO MORE BRUCES!"
Luckily, I found a really nice non-Bruce.
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Hrf, the reformed cocaine addict I don't think I would date. I know that sounds judgemental, but they go back more often than not.
The bipolar guy, I wouldn't care, as long as he took his meds.
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I honestly don't know how I would react. I had dated a guy off and on for a couple years. He told me up front he had done a lot of hard drugs etc... in his younger days. My response was so what, that was then this is now. I guess though for me it depends on where they are today, how long sober, etc... I can't say 1 answer fits every guy. I've never dealt with bi-polar and I'd like to say I'd respond the same but not sure?
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Shouldn't I be totally over that guy by now? I'm still hurting, sad and missing him lots or the him I'd like to remember. I guess I hate that he hasn't made any effort to contact me, not that my last message to him was nice but really? I didn't expect him to give up so easy. I guess it shows he really wasn't in it
Every day I drive to work I think of him. He's still on my friends list on facebook, and he's been logged in for a bit now. It's sad, he has no kids this weekend and I don't have my girl and I wish we were hanging out like before!0 -
Thanks for your comments. The coke addict had been clean for a few years and he remained clean. We became very good friends. He was active with CA and tried to help other addicts as well. The bi- polar guy and I found we didn't have much in common so the one date became it. But I will admit I was concerned. When he told me about his bi- polar, i did tell about BC (this was pre mx). But I was concerned
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DF - I agree with you about guys giving up easily. I've got one right now who is persistant and thinks"i'll come around" I don't think he's right for me - but he won't gve up. Another guy who I dated long term and broke up wth "let me go" and I wish he had tried harder to stay - In a way I was looking for that to know how he really felt about me.
On a fun note, I started golfing regularly after my divorce in 2009 and even joined a golf club. Yesterday I played a "match" for the division 2 championship (beginner league) and WON. I've got another to claim the title in a 2 weeks.
Karyn
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That sounds great Karyn!! Congratulations
I've only played golf one time that was embarrassing! Lol.... I need some sort of hobby like that.
As for the boys, like we've talked before giving too many chances seems to be the problem. I'm so tempted to text him but I will NOT!0 -
DF - Do you see him in the "big picture" - if not you need to move on. One guy I dated and shared some amazing chemistry really didn't fit into the big picture. As much as I missed him it was for the best. Others will have opinions, but the best thing for me after a breakup is to date a lot and fill my time with family and friends. be happy...
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Dating a lot isn't an option at this very moment, not like guys are lining up at the door
I stay plenty busy with friends, am happing and having fun with life, but miss him some. It'll pass I'm sure of it. I did see him in the "big" picture" he did not see me that way. 0 -
Hey Dragon, tell us about the new job. How does it feel after 1 week? Have you made any decisions about moving? Are you meeting lots of new people?
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I feel a bit over whelmed and like I'm making mistakes, but I just have to remind myself that I've only really worked 3 days! We have a report that my boss takes to a Monday meeting at 7am. The report is done, but I forgot to print it out for him. I emailed it to them from home though so it's just a matter of them printing it before the meeting. I did offer to come in early if need be. Then there are 2 sets of doors going to the outside. The 1 main set someone else locks, I don't have a key, the 2nd set I am supposed to do when I leave at night. Friday was CHAOS for the last 2 hours, because I had 2 sales guys delayed out of the airport trying to get home. So I was trying to find them back up flights etc... I left later than I'm supposed to, and now i don't remember if I locked that 2nd set of doors????? I'm tempted to drive over and see, cause I don't want to get in trouble??? Anyway... other than those 2 things the job is going great, I like it, love all the people. For now I'm sitting tight on the move. See how the job goes for a bit. Plus if I can't afford the gas, I can move in next door with my neighbor to let my daughter finish out the year. That's the plan TODAY
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DF, I would feel as you do. I really don't think it had anything to do with what you wrote. In fact, looking back, I wish I had done what you did. But I never responded - and it had the same effect. I really think it was that coniving ex of his. Men can be like sheep and they don't always go for who is best for them, sometimes they are misled by the wrong people. Where we look at The Big Picture (I agree with Karyn on this), they are more "In The Moment". I think that is why we often hear from them down the road - when they realize they made a mistake - too bad at that point!
Hrf, I guess I just dated too many men in my youth who drank excessively or did drugs. Not a single one of them ever changed. That is why I won't do it anymore. I don't have a lot of faith in the rehab process. It doesn't seem to work very well.
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Fearless, I totally understand. I think because he and I became friends and never anything romantic, it was easier. But he really did stay clean and was very committed to remaining that way. I do understand that there were many years of drug use before he cleaned up but that was before I knew him. DF, I admire what you wrote to the guy. While I understand your thinking, the reason you sent the message was because he was ending the relationship and he handled that very poorly. So even if you wrote to him, I don't think it would change anything. If he wanted to keep you in his life he would have gotten in touch with you despite the message. I know it's painful but what we all have learned is men behave a certain way even though they are not sincere. The words mean nothing. It's the actions that speak
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H, your guy sounded like he was one of the success stories of going clean. My experiences were less fortunate, and I just am not willing to do it again. Maybe if they have been clean for a few years, I might consider it. Perhaps your heart is bigger than mine. I guess I must sound pretty cold.
DF, I agree with H that what you wrote had no impact on you not hearing from him again. I am sure he knows he hurt you and you were just responding to that.
I wish I had told my last guy off like you did. It might have made me feel better, especially since I never heard from him again, anyways. So see? It doesn't really matter.
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Fearless, you don't sound cold at all - just realistic. This friend did have his own issues as many of us do, but truly he was carrying more baggage than I would have been willing to take on and the more I got to know him, the more I realized that. I wonder how much different that is, than having a guy retreat once he knows about the BC. Is it self protection or is it coldness or just plain being shallow? I have to admit, at this stage in my life I don't want a partner that needs taking care of - above and beyond what would be in the normal range. If someone told me he had had prostate cancer and was fine now, or has diabetes, that would be ok. An out of control drug addict or alcoholic, or someone who had no money and wanted me to support him - not for me at this stage. I wouldn't even want to have someone around all the time who was dependent on me for making his meals and doing his laundry, keeping him entertained, etc. Would have to be a 50/50 deal. Maybe as we get older we get more selfish - or I can honestly say I've already done all this things and don't want to do it again. It would be nice to have someone take care of me though ...... Double standard I guess. LOL
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Just checking in to see if I missed any new and exciting romance stories
I was camping this weekend, sun, friends and fresh air sure does wonders for a soul! 0 -
H, I would be willing to be a caregiver at this point in my life to a sick man. But to me that is different than a reformed drug addict. For me it's not about not wanting to care for someone - I am actually a nurturuing person. It's about past experiences and not wanting anything more to do with substance abusers. But a guy with cancer or in a wheelchair or whatever - the only obstacle would be finances, since I would be unable to support another person on my income.
To answer your question, I think it is shallowness for the men when they leave a BC patient. I don't believe it's fear or anything of that nature. They can't handle the physical changes, plain and simple. Like the guy who dumped me when he saw my frizzy hair (used to be long and soft and wavy). Fortunately, it's not every man who feels this way.
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dragon, glad you got your camping trip in as I know you were looking forward to it. No romance stories coming from me. I'm waiting to hear from some of you others
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DF, will your new job have good health insurance? How long do you have to wait? I assume you are still doing Cobra....sheesh, Cobra is sooooo expensive.....hope your benes kick in soon.
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No romance stories for me, and don't expect any soon
They will have insurance coverage after 30 or 60 days I think it is. I couldn't do COBRA with the last job because it was over 900 a month! 0 -
I had a second date this weekend and it was AWESOME. We just seem to click. I've been known to fall hard and fast so I'm taking it slow. Another guy who I didn;t click with won;t stop calling me. He thinks I'll "come around" and realize he is right for me. You can't create feelings that aren't there. I don't want to be rude but I told him that we don't have enough in common. I think I'll have to tell him the truth that I've met someone else. He's nice but came on way to strong. The third guy in the batting order is an old boyfriend who is the most genuine guy you'll ever meet. We broke it off a few months ago bc the spark went out. I'm not sure I can get the feelings back I once had. We've had dinner a few times.
I may seem like a player but it not as bad as it sounds. Leaving my options open.
Karyn
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