Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I don't think I should either, for the most part which is why I haven't. I don't think I'd get the reaction I want. He's done, he's told me that. It's funny cause even if random guys message me on those dating sites I'm not even really interested in talking to them. I think because this other one is totally out of my hands and my control and there's nothing I could do to change it!
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Fearless - my hair now is soft and healthy but it did come in corse and curly - most of that has been cut off. I do miss the body I had then but the hair I have now is regular hair. It was hard getting it cut because all I wanted was for it to grow.
karyn
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DF, I understand. You still have feelings for him, and that's okay.....and you are being contacted by men you aren't interested in which doesn't help. I hope you stick to your resolve and do not contact him.
Karyn, well, you hair looks beautiful now! Hard to believe it came in course and frizzy like mine! How often did you get cuts?
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Fearless - it was probably over a year until I had normal hair - I would go every few months. Thanks for the compliment - It even longer now (2 years and 2 months past my last chemo treatment)
KAryn
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DF, I also totally get what you are saying and I completely understand the need to feel some control or even a sense of closure which you don't have. I worry about you contacting him because (1) he did say it was over and (2) he's not afraid to contact you as he did in congratulating you on the new job so if he wanted to talk to you again, he knows where to reach you. I know the desire that if you told him you missed him, he would say he misses you too and he wants to get back together. But if you contact him and he doesn't do that, you will feel even worse and I don't want you to feel worse. Even though you are not interested in anyone else who is contacting you, why don't you try a few "coffee" dates....you would have nothing to lose.
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I totally agree with H. Too often, the response we expect is not the response we get. Or the WORST response which is none at all.
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No thanks on the coffee dates, at this time I really am just not interested or motivated to do even that. I won't contact him, just the thoughts that go through my head.
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I hear ya...it's hard to start dating again so soon after someone does something like that.
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Yeah my heart is just not ready for it
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Just don't get in a rut like I have. It gets easy to start staying home because it's easier than putting yourself out there. Dating is work - but it can also be worthwhile and it's the only way to find someone.
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ooh, DF, don't contact him. you will regret it. hrf is right - he knows how to contact you. you can do WAY, WAY better than this guy. i would give it at least two months of no contact - if you do, one of two things will probably happen. he will contact you or you will be over him. either way, you won't have made yourself vulnerable. just my thoughts...
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Thank you sweetbean, as much as I want to contact him, and hope his reaction will be what I want. I know neither of those things can/will happen. Which is why I talk to you guys, cause I know you'll help set me straight
Fearless - I wish I had time to stay home honestly, because of the boy I just don't have the interest though. My heart is not completely healed or ready for it again. Plus between work, getting my girl ready for school my 2 hours spent on the road a day, looking at moving still etc... I'm spread thin enough!
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DF, you have so many changes that you are dealing with now so just take care of those. It's not that there is a right or a wrong way. My worry is for you because I would hate to see you even more hurt. How will you feel if he doesn't answer or if he repeats that it's over or even worse that he's with someone new? What will that do to you? Can you handle that? And honestly even if he said he was willing to try again, would you ever trust him? If he wants you back he knows how ro reach you
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No, none of those results are good for me, and no I wouldn't trust him, still miss him but it's over and I just need to get over him. I don't know why that is so hard. I've been broken up with before and didn't have this same feeling still.
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I have had those same feelings and still do. It is hard to get over it.
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It's hard because he was special to you. It takes me a long time, too, when I develop strong feelings for someone. But I know you are a strong lady - you are going to get past this.....
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He was special to me, and it hurts to realize when we put in more effort and emotion than we get back and get kicked to the curb. Thank you ladies, glad i have you to vent to. My friend and I were talking last night, and as much as guys say they want a strong independent women, we kind of think they're full of crap. Me and 3 of my really good friends are all single. We're super strong, single moms, independent and don't NEED someone. Like I can do just about everything myself around my house, with the bills, my daughter, etc... so I'm just missing that person to come home to, or the companionship if that makes sense.
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It's not only about putting in effort and emotion but it's also because we believe them when they say they care and that we can count on them. So we let our guard down and start to trust them and then when we are vulnerable, wham! It's not like there were arguments, disagreements, etc. It's that everything seemed fine that makes it so hard to understand. While it gets easier with time, it still hurts. Even in my case, if I allow myself to think, I still get teary. I have no doubt that my recovery has been hampered and self esteem has been damaged as a result of what happened. Everyone wants to be loved. I also agree that despite what they say, men don't want strong or successful women
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Some men like independent women, some like needier women. I still say it's all about the signs. I mean, if you are dating someone for weeks and they are still on-line, dump them. If someone tells you they still love their ex, dump them. If someone is ignoring your attempts at contact, dump them. Chances are good that they have not jumped off a cliff.
If it's one thing I learned about men, it's that if they want to get in touch with you and see you, they will try really hard to do so (assuming they know you are interested).
You are brave and beautiful and I think you are lonely so he is taking up too much space in your head than he otherwise would.
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The signs and them wanting to get ahold you thing are key here with him. He's been giving signs loud and clear. I think him emailing me a week or 2 ago started my healing process all over again I will eventually move on as far as being over him, like HRF said, I think this is 1 guy who'll always be in a tiny piece of my mind and heart.
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I understand....and it's really hard, especially when you don't fall that easily. But I promise you, this won't always hurt....
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Thank you, I hope you're right
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Well ladies I think you'd be proud.... I've been debating on deleting that guy from my friends list on facebook. At first it was fun, because I figured he could see that my life kept going and how much he was missing out on. But last night I decided ya know, he doesn't have a right to know what's going on with me, he lost that right when he ended things and we are not even friends and speaking. So I deleted him, and blocked him, and it feels so good! Like I gave myself the closure I needed!!!
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DF, you are a strong woman and I admire what you did and how you are handling yourself. You did that for yourself and that is great. If he ever wants to contact you, he knows your phone number and how to reach you but at this point in time, you are in control and feel good about yourself. I bet you will now be open to meeting new guys and just having fun.
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Thanks HRF
I do feel better, like I'm really closer to being done with him. I was looking through pictures to take them off my computer and I found a folder off ones with him and camping etc.. They didn't make me sad or cry, felt more like I was looking at a stranger. 0 -
Dear Women I would like to join your group, I have been lurking for awhile. Trying to decide. I am a Bc survivor of who really knows when, but it became officially known in Dec of 08 by MRI---bmx Feb2009--------Dh dx'd 3 months later with Lymphoma--------worst kind--------died Aug 2010. We had been married 38 years. I am almost ready to get back into life. I have my moments, I really want too then ----------I dive back into bed. But I want to keep trying. Otherwise, I might as well be dead. I'm with all of you in that I want love. Again I may not be ready., but I do want to move forward. I find the consequence of not moving forward, is I spend to many hours in bed or on the couch. I have no identifying info in my dx section b/c I was active on OMG THE FOUND A CURE FOR STUPID.........great humour thread........ but we found our info was showing up on FB. I immediately deleted bio. Bio here is one thing, but for world access, I felt was none of there damn business. So, If it's Okay that I join you let me know . Thanks sas
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SAS - you don't have to ask to "join" - this is a friendly group that likes chatting about guys and dates. I was dx in December 2008 also. Have met a wonderful loving man online who is "it"...
KAryn
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Welcome SAS
Wonder where fearless is???
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My husband died from lung cancer last August (2010). We had been married 26 years and have 2 sons (26 & 24 now) I had a date from match.com but it was more platonic than anything and I hadn't been DX with BC yet. Then I met a couple of guys from POF.com (which incidentally should be called plentyofjerks). I was dating bachelor # 3 when I received the DX. He claimed he would never give me his back but started his disappearing act on his days off, which he knew aggravated me. So in essence I told him to get the hell out of my life and he seemed relieved.
So here I am, widowed, boobs off and reconstruction begun and I'm wondering if I will die alone. I'm surprised at how many guys are still looking for sex after the 2nd date. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't want to become intimate with someone until I feel there is love there.
And really where do you go to meet a guy these days? At the oncologists? The grocery store? Those seem to be the only 2 places I go anymore. Part of me is glad because I don't have to worry about my SO wanting sex when it is the last thing on my mind right now. My TE's hurt, my back hurts from not standing up straight and I still have one drain in from my bmx. Don't feel very "dateable" right now.
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Welcome sas and chiluvr. It really chezes me off that comments from discussion turnes up on face book...! Plenty of jerks that is funny chiluvr!! sad but true! I dont know about dating sites, joined one but too afraid to go out w them. Plus good friendship w a man has turned into something very special for me... best wishes to all.... I do believe there is love out there for us!!! Kiley
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