Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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CML, when you say "going through a divorce", I hope he has at least filed. Sometimes divorces can take many months to be finalized and that is understandable. But it's not wise (IMO) to date someone has not filed yet.
DF, I know what you meant. And yes, it's hard. But you are too strong to throw in the towel - unless it's just because you want to be alone, that's different.
Kward, I agree - the gut NEVER lies.
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Here's another opinion CML. If he is putting the brakes on something that was going well, I think that's a red flag and you may be on your way to getting your heart broken. Clearly he doesn't feel as strongly about the relationship as you do. Best to take care of yourself, in my opinion.
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I agree with H on that. However, how long have you been seeing him? IYou said "recently". If "recent" is like 2 months or longer and he still is not ready to be exclusive, I would walk away (if you are looking for a relationship and not a fling). But if it's just been like 2-3 weeks, I would give it some time.
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if he says he doesn't want to be exclusive, then you should not be intimate with him at all. I stay away from guys going through divorces - they are almost always basketcases.
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Thanks for your input, not sure how this is going to play out. A big part of me thinks he is just spooked we got as close as we did so fast, I am too a bit. They did file for divorce before I was in the picture. Its been about 6 weeks that we have been burning up the cell phones and seen each other 4 times in the past month and have plans for next weekend but its gotten a bit quiet since we had the conversation earlier this week. I guess time will tell but I really do believe hes a good guy but is just going through alot. I should mention if I didnt already that he is related to a friend of mine and I know a lot of his family. That is how we connected in the first place...
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Well he may be a good guy and is going through a lot but he is sending you a very definite message. Why do we women always make excuses for men we like even when they actually tell us something different? CML, I do hope this works out for you but the signs are not encouraging. I also agree with sweetbean - if he's not willing to be exclusive, you should re-consider your time with him.0
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wow as HRF and fearless know, reading your story CML it sounds like I wrote it myself. I dated a guy I met online, for a few months. Then when I thought it was going great he put on the brakes. Long story short and from my own experience I would walk away or back off. I just think people coming out of a divorce should be single for a while. The guy I'm referring to, couldn't be more of a train wreck. I made excuses like HRF said, he's so busy with work, he doesn't live super close, he's tired, he wants to take it slow.... key word here HE... not ME/I!!! I gave him chance after chance, and when he said he wasn't ready to date anyone, after staying the weekend at my place, I told him to leave me alone. Yet I still find him on the dating site and he was on the dating site the whole time we were dating. Crazy...
The bummer of it, is I don't want to be on the same dating site as him. Is that dumb of me? I have to laugh. Because like I said HRF and fearless know ALL about this guy I was seeing, here's his profile, for a good laugh because he is truly a few screws loose:
Here's a clip from his profile:About him & Who he's looking for
I have been through alot in my life and am ready to make a new start. So here i am. I am a simple guy that needs not alot of the material things of life but desires a true connection with someone. Someone to share my ambitions and desires with, someone to truly live life with. Someone who desires to share their life with someone else. In my opinion life should be lived with someone you love and thats what makes it exciting, worth living. The things I would love to find in someone are, someone who's genuine, caring, funny, affectionate, romantic, spontaneous, and absolutely honest. I would like to find someone who knows what it is to be the other half of a "team" and appreciates that.That being said, a little bit about me. I am divorced after 10 years of marriage (she cheated) and was a pathological liar. I have been single almost 3 years now and feel its time to get back out there. I have two awesome sons 12 and 5. I love to be outdoors when the weather is nice and a homebody when it sucks. I like to go camping at least a few times a year (and i mean real camping, tents and stuff not the RV thing). I love to golf and fish as much as possible and the budget allows. I also love to spend as much time as possible hanging out with my boys. I believe im pretty quick witted and definitely have a surplus of sarcasm, but i can take it as well. Im not exactly a social butterfly but i do enjoy going out occasionally. I have a really good work ethic (sometimes too good i think). My job takes up a good portion of my time and does require me to travel for short periods from time to time.
For now thats it in a nut shell i guess, im pretty much an open book so please feel free ask anything thats on your mind. (In fact I encourage it). Thanks for taking the time to look into me.
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Men will continue to go on dating sites regardless of their situations. They find someone they want to spend time with and after they get close, they then put on the brakes. Kinda sad!!
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Sad is 1 word that comes to mind, and that's much nice than the others I thought of
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IMO anytime behavior changes there is something going on and most of the time it is not good. One guy I dated told me if you fall fast for one another you will fall fast out of love too... I've been guilty of falling fast and hard then at the 3 month mark we split. I also beleive that "if it is meant to be it will be" and "things happen for a reason"... Hope it works out because it is nice to be in love and loved.
So after my last guy told me "he's not over an old girlfriend" I went back online and have been dating a guy who graduated a year behind me in HS. We see each other 1-2 times a week which is nice - he's got family and work obligations but that has forced us to date at a slower pace. My concern with him is that I'm much more financially stable than him and I need to make sure he is dating me bc he likes me not for other reasons.
K
K
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CML, I wouldn't necessarily rule out a guy because he recently has filed for divorce - but I WOULD rule out a guy who wasn't ready to be exclusive after about 2 months or so - use caution here - the 4 hours apart doesn't help. Just be careful, that's all....
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I agree with Fearless - Being exclusive doesn't mean you are ready for marriage but mearly that you are committed for the time being
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DF. let's break down his profile, lol!
I have been through alot in my life and am ready to make a new start. So here i am. I am a simple guy that needs not alot of the material things of life but desires a true connection with someone. = I have little money to spend on you
Someone to share my ambitions and desires with, someone to truly live life with. Someone who desires to share their life with someone else. In my opinion life should be lived with someone you love and thats what makes it exciting, worth living. The things I would love to find in someone are, someone who's genuine, caring, funny, affectionate, romantic, spontaneous, and absolutely honest. I would like to find someone who knows what it is to be the other half of a "team" and appreciates that. = my relationships have not been healthy ones
That being said, a little bit about me. I am divorced after 10 years of marriage (she cheated) and was a pathological liar. = see above abour unhealthy relationships - and I might still be very untrusting of women
I have been single almost 3 years now and feel its time to get back out there. I have two awesome sons 12 and 5. I love to be outdoors when the weather is nice and a homebody when it sucks. I like to go camping at least a few times a year (and i mean real camping, tents and stuff not the RV thing). I love to golf and fish as much as possible and the budget allows. = we will never go to a fancy restaurant and hope you like the outdoors
I also love to spend as much time as possible hanging out with my boys. I believe im pretty quick witted and definitely have a surplus of sarcasm, but i can take it as well. Im not exactly a social butterfly but i do enjoy going out occasionally. I have a really good work ethic (sometimes too good i think). My job takes up a good portion of my time and does require me to travel for short periods from time to time. = if you don't like my boys it won't work (understandably so)
For now thats it in a nut shell i guess, im pretty much an open book so please feel free ask anything thats on your mind. (In fact I encourage it). Thanks for taking the time to look into me. = polite guy, a little insecure
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Well there has definitely been a behavior change. I havent heard from him in almost two days which hasnt happened since started talking about two months ago. Something is definitely going on and i just feel stupid now for falling for him. I know hes going though a lot but there is no excuse for this...unless he lost his phone and is in the hospital,,,which I highly doubt. I did get one man's point of view. My trainer is kind of in a similar situation...he said he gets why he said he didnt want to be exclusive or didnt want to label that. the trainer said until he's divorced he doesnt think he could verbalize that commitment. he did say if hes acting weird and being mia to cut my losses. For whatever its worse thats a little bit in how the man thinks...or doesnt. This week and next weekend will tell all because we are supposed to see each other next Saturday.
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Unfortunately, I think I picked someone that really is not capable of being in a relationship. We were friends, but started dating right after my diagnosis.
I tried to keep it really light at first, not too serious. He was the one that pushed the relationship forward at every turn. Then he would back off after things got more serious. He was the first one to say "I love you". He was the first one to call me his GF & say we're serious. He was the one that wanted to talk about moving in together. He was the one that told me he wanted to grow old with me on some cute little tree lined street somewhere. We would spend a lot of time together (at his request). Then he would kind of get busy with other things (work, family - he has 2 grown kids and a younger kid) & disappear. He's done it a few times. I figured he needed a little space. Backed off. He always came back.
But this time, I think he's just going to break my heart. I haven't seen him in a week, and we really haven't talked. I'm so depressed that I can't sleep or eat. In many ways, I think getting involved with someone while I was in treatment was a really stupid idea. He helped me get through it...but now that he's probably gone for good this time, I am so devastated that I wish I had just died from freaking cancer.
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CML, if he goes three days, I would walk away. There is no excuse for a man who is interested to go that long without contact. Do NOT contact him - that includes text and email as well. Listen to your trainer...when a man goes MIA for a few days, cut your losses.
Let's see what happens - perhaps he will surprise you. But I think you would prefer consistency to surprises.
And like Kward said, it doesn't have to be about committing for the rest of eternity - it's just saying "I like where this is going and I don't want to date anyone else right now"...
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Oh Kate, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this! You are not alone.... My husband of may years left me after my mastectomy in 2005. I was devastated and felt much as you are feeling. The years went by and I learned to focus on myself to get healthy, or as healthy as I can be at my stage of cancer. It has and is an up hill battle, the loss of of so much of me was over whelming! But Kate here I am still kicken and in a relationship that emerged from a friendship that has turned into so much more than I ever imagined. Having been so hurt and disalusioned I take everything very slow and thid seem to work for me. There are many here who are going thru these same issues. And would listen and be ther for you. Please reach out and know you are not alone! Take care, Kiley
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Thanks, Kiley.
Being on the bc board today is pretty much all that's keeping me from calling him right now. I really appreciate your thoughts. I know it's not the worst thing I've been through. I mean, I went through a horrible divorce and then got cancer. So why the hell am I so upset about this insensitive jerk?
I'm glad you found someone worthwhile!
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FO - well done breakdown of the profile. I wish i had let you read some of the ones from guys i dated.
Glad to see this thread being active again.
Karyn
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Don't beat yourself up kate. You've been thru alot. Take some time....Give him and your self a break. I personally would not call him right now. Take some time for yourself .... Hard to do....when thinking bout insensative man relationship, I know but best, in my own opinion. A week is not so long, Give him and yourself time to reflect on your relationship and all you've been thru. Take a walk on the beach, try to do things to take your mind off him, I know easier said than done, but I've found giving a man space they really seems to help. than in a week or so when your somewhat calmed down (easier said than done). Call him, in the mean time maybe he will have called you! Kiley
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Kiley - good advice. I clean my house when things start going crazy in relationships... Doing something to occupy your time and take your mind off it is important.
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Kate I know exactly how you feel. Somewhat similar with my guy too. In the beginning he kept telling me how we can make this work because I was a bit hesitant at first. I know how hard it is ot to call. My cell phone is on silence just so that Im not jumping out of my skin if a friend calls or txts but then when i do look and its not him I am ready to throw the phone out the window. I think Im ok with not contacting him for the next day or two, but I know by Monday Im going to blow. I like answers or at least closure for myself- so I know I am going to end up saying something. The worst part is this is the second time I got involved with someone who I already knew. You would think that would be safer, easier, more likely for success but obviously not. Maybe dinner tonight with a friend will cheer me up...because right now I just want to crawl under the covers. I swear everything bc threw at me was a cakewalk compared to this... You would think you would eventually catch a good break. I thought I finally did, thats the worst part.
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Kate, I am so sorry to hear you talk like that - please don't say you wish you had died!! Maybe he would have been a horrible husband, who knows? If he hurt you so badly while just dating, imagine long term how he would have made you feel? Besides, if I know his type (and I do), he will resurface. Most likely when you are feeling better about things.
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CML, You actually may have caught a break! He's going thru a divorce, which is full of all kinds of, well crap! Give it some time girl...try not to call him. See if he steps up to the plate. Dinner with friends, sounds like a good distraction, and much needed at this time!
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It's the same story for so many of us. The guys push the relationship - say things to get us to let our guard down and start to care about them and trust them. Then when we think it's safe and we start to care, they pull back or tell us about someone else or this or that......Truthfully, I understand exactly where Kate is coming from. This bc puts us through h*ll....we somehow get through it with all of its ugliness and worrying. And we wonder what life holds in store for us -- surely, other things will go well, right? Because how much does anyone have to go through. And then the men we thought cared about us, start treating us badly &/or leave us all together. It's very hard to deal with. There are times I feel like saying "why me? what did I do for all these bad things to happen to me?"
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Hrf, I think everything is just magnified when we have BC. These things men do....they were doing it to me long before I got BC - the wishy-washy behavior, the not wanting a commitment, etc. But obviously men have loved you at some point, most of you were married. I never was married and it can you make you feel unlovable, like no one thinks you are good enough to marry, just sleep with.
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I think Fearless one put it well. I also read a good book today by a woman who suggested not responding to "winks" if they can't even put an effort into a note. I haven't tried Match in a few years, but got a lot of good dinners! LOL. And one man who I saw on and off for three years, but he lived far away. I think I am not looking for a grand romance at this point( even though that's important) but instead, companionship and someone who enjoys the same things that I do and can have fun with. I would like it to be exclusive. How's that for wishy-washy? I may look again after the holidays when all these bruises go away, and it would be nice to have a job. Right now i'm getting support from my family and friends and don't want any drama!
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I never responded to winks or one-liners. Bedo, I don't think you sound wishy-washy at all. Personally, I never liked Match.com. I had the most luck on EH.
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Kiley, CML, Fearless, hrf, bedo:
Thank you so much for the advice & just sharing your stories. I don't know what I would do without this board!! My entire family moved away for financial reasons (parents, sister, brother, all the kids.) So, this has been so great for me to have support this year, not be alone with the bc stuff. And now I get girlfriend advice! (Oh yeah, my two best girlfriends moved away for new jobs!!)
Thank you so much for your support. Oh my gosh, it's comforting that I'm not the only one dealing with all this stuff (bc, relationship stuff), but it's also ridiculous that we go through it.
I am going to take some advice and do chores around the house today. I need some new sheets, do some laundry, give the dog a bath. I am absolutely not going to call him, and I'm not going to cry about it today.
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Kate, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. You have some MAJOR transitions going on - this is a very difficult time for you and I think you are handling things just fine considering all you have on your plate. Having your family move away, your best friends, relationship issues and BC! Girl, give yourself credit as you are doing pretty well if you ask me!
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