Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I agree with Miles that it's best to be patient and get to know someone. My whole life I have always rushed things and been attracted to men who rushed things. I've had men tell me they love me by the third date. But where are they now? They were just infatuated, in love with the idea of being in love. It's better to wait and reveal yourself slowly. I'm not even referring to sex, necessarily - just dating in general and taking your time.
But my confidence is not good right now, so I am wise enough to know not to date right now. I notice men don't really notice me anymore, they pass me in halls at work without saying hi, just little things like that. They let doors slam me in the a** on my way out of a building, lol!
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HRF and I were talking, and thought I should write a book or keep track of all of our good, sad, funny and crazy dating/guy stories. So maybe if you want to pass them on let me know... The one I had the other day was from a guy on a dating site. We'd been emailing back and forth. I only had 1 profile pic up because I was new to the site. He asked for a couple more, so I sent them. Instead of responding with wow, you're really pretty, I like your smile, etc... he says... hmm is it just me or are you really top heavy. I was like uh wow, did you just say that? He says wow, you must be a 42DD... followed by another message saying, maybe I forgot a D? I couldn't believe this guy, I got a great laugh out of it. I did suggest he send me a picture from the waist down so I could sit and judge him and guess the size etc. He didn't respond any more
If he only knew, that these 42DDD girls were courtesy of a plastic surgeon in New Orleans specializing in reconstruction of breast cancer survivors! What an ass. The self confidence is sure hard to have in the 1st place, then you add all that we've gone through. Emotionally, physically, financially to add dating new people into the mix. Wow, that's a huge undertaking!
Fearless, how are YOU?????
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Hi ladies. Have been on this thread once or twice before and thought I'd check in with all of you. Sorry if you remember seeing this before, but after reading what some of you have been through with men, thought this might give you some hope, so here goes..
Split with husband of 10years April 2009, divorce final in Oct 2009. Right after my husband and I split I started an on and off relationship with a coworker for a year. I'll admit that he was only split from his wife, but hadn't filed for divorce yet, but I fell completely in love with this man. He was the one who persued the relationship and went on and on that he had never been in love with his wife, but felt that he needed to get married to have a family. Said I was the only women he had ever really loved and that he couldn't live without me. That is until wife started making it hard on him, ie child support demands, decreasing time with his children, almony demands, etc. He went back to her 2 different times, and of course I like a dumbass took him back everytime he came crawling back. During one of our "breakups" I casually started dating another man. We had a blast together and he always made me happy, but my heart still belonged to guy #1 or so I thought. Anyway was back with guy #1 when I was dx. I tried pushing him away, saying that he could never go through this with me and that I needed it to be done before I got any more hurt and before I started this BC journey. He freaked out and said he was totally going to be there for me, loved me and no matter what I said, he wasn't leaving me. You guessed it, right after my MBX he started his same old pulling away routine and finally I told him that I loved him, but that at this point in my life, I had to concentrate on me. Soon after guy #2 started coming back around, actually he never really left. We continued to talk the whole time I was back with guy #1. Anyway long story short, guy #2 said that he realized that after I broke it off with him that he couldn't let me go and that he knew that I felt something strong for him as well but that I was just f'ed up over guy #1. Sometimes you get addicted to the chase without even realizing that you don't actually want what your chasing. Have been together with guy #2 now for 8 months, he has been though everything with me. Been there for all the other surgeries, every chemo, every hospitlizations, every sick day, everything. He shaved my head when my hair started falling out, he has rushed me to the ER when I became septic, he has changed my surgery bandages and through all of the hard shit we have been through, we have fallen deeply and madly in love, Besides my kids, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are planning our future together and he and my children are growing closer everyday. There are happy endings and good good men out there. Don't lose hope. I did once, once not so long ago I believed that true love was just a myth or that maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me. Just when I'd given up, BAM-love came knocking.
Hope this story gives you some hope for your futures, Hang in there ladies.
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Dragon - I have had around 20 or so first dates and my friends say the same thing to me, That I should write a book. I went out a few weeks ago with a guy who adimitted on his first date that he cheated on his wife... This was after I told him I got divorced bc mine had an affair.
If you do, I've go lots of material for you
Karyn
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Hey guys,
I have been seeing a really fun gentleman, very smart, engaging, interested in saving the world like I am.
. I think I am falling, but he is moving to NC when his daughter graduates from college in MAy (I live in PA) and I don't want another broken heart! Should I just have fun while it lasts?Not even a first kiss, yet which is fine.
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Lovemyfamilysomuch - ENJOY yourself - that's what life is about
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Maybe it's healthier to just do the best we can and be realistic about what's out there and just be really good to ourselves so that we look and feel our best if and when someone does come along.
BC does change our dating statistics, so we need to be stronger than "other" women :-)
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Lovesmyfamily, is there any way you can go with him when he relocates? At least for awhile to give things a chance?
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I agree with you Fearless. It's best at this point to take care of ourselves. At least speaking for myself, I think some of the stuff I've been through was quite stressful and not at all helpful to my health. I don't want to get really sick again. I would like to be on the road to wellness. Then, once I am have my heart and spirit together, perhaps I will meet someone. I went back a bit in the thread. It's interesting Fearless- I've been a victim of that rushing thing too. These guys they swoop in, can't live without you and then 3-5 years later, you find you're with a totally different kind of guy. I think it must come from their own insecurity or maybe some need to control, be possessive. I asked my former BF why he rushed so (started remodelling my house, making promises of forever two months in, etc..) He said "I didn't want you to get away". I've had men tell me they love me who hardly know me. This might sound exciting and it is - in a bad way. I think that will be my biggest red flag from now on! And you're right - Where are they now? Only my second Christmas alone, since my early 20's and right on the heels of BC!
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I haven't posted in a long, long time. In 2007, a week after our handicapped son was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, my husband was found dead. Eight weeks later, I was diagnosed with IDC. I had a bilat with no reconstruction and 4 rounds of TC. As of now, I have been asked out repeatedly by two different men. Both are nice people, I think, but I have no desire to date or remarry at all. There are many other things I want to accomplish in life. BTW, I am 69. I am not wealthy (retired teacher). I have 3 adult children and one grandchild. I am also responsible for my MIL who has lived at a local nursing home since 2009. She is 91, has dementia, and her only living child has refused to take part in any way for her care.
If you want a relationship, there are men out there who really don't care if your body is scarred or misshapen. I wish you the best!
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Hi girls haven't been on here in a week or so. Im a Penn State alum and the events of the last week have devastated me and monopolized much of my time. (Im sure you have all seen the news) Anyway during most of last week the guy had been seeing we were in constant communication about information we had how we felt about the events. I was stuck in a cab in NYC when the news broke they were firing Paterno he had the cell phone to the tv so I could hear what was being said. Everything seemed back on track until it came time to head up for the game...he went MIA again for the weekend and didnt hear from him. I sent him two txts as to where i was tailgaiting etc (although I know he already knew the spot) and no word. It took all the restraint in me to not go to his seats to tell him off or the bar he goes to post game...especially when I had a friend say come on lets go make him jealous LOL Anyway come Monday I got a series of 5 txts from hom. Infact I was at a coworkers desk giving her the update and heard my phone beep and I knew it was him. Basically hes not ready to be in a relationship and he feels guilty (aka catholic guilt) he said he tried not too, his kids are going through a lot and having a hard time, so he wants to be friends. he didnt know how to tell me which I said sooner would have been better. I also told him that i get where hes coming from I went through somethng similar with my divorce and that I did want to be friends and if and when he was ready I might still be here. After that we txtd about normal stuff all day monday and tuesday nothing today. Im hearbrooken because I know hes a good guy he didnt handle it completely right but we all do dumb things sometimes. Like one of my friends said he could have pretended everything was fine over the weekend then droped the bomb that he wanted to step back after all the fun. he does have a conscience which is a big part of the attraction. Just sucks i have had a really crappy 2 years and really was thinking he might have been the sign that things were turning around in the personal department....I guess not.
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CML,
You need to blow him off. Do not contact him at all. Take FOREVER to respond to a text. Don't worry about being rude - you don't owe him a thing. You are busy and fabulous and you have better things to do than text all day. He will probably find that intriguing. It always works for me.
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lovemyfamily,
Do not relocate. If he loves you, he will not want to go. I'd be pretty wary.
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Youlooklike-first I love your name and OMG girl you have had way way more put upon your plate than anyone should ever have. I am so amazed by you, you must be a strong strong women. No wonder you have been asked out, you sound as if you have a ton to offer. Thanks for checking in. Good luck to you and all that you desire to achieve.
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CML-I've been thought the same kind of thing before and it is so heartbreaking and can make you feel unworthy. I noticed in your response that you are making excuses for him and trying to see him still as this nice guy. He may very well be nice to alot of people, but the way he handled the situation is horrible. I know we tend to make these asses out to be nice guys, cause it's really hard to come to grips with the fact that we could actually fall so hard for a jerk. It's hard to let go of what we saw happening in our heads, what we so wanted to happen, what we felt in our hearts, but please save yourself some more heartache and cut your ties to this man. If he is just going through a hard time, he will figure it out and possible come calling. You don't need to invest anymore of your heart into someone who doesn't even seem to know where he's at right now. If you cut those ties, he may also find that he really is missing you and it will motivate him to figure his shit out quickly. I'm so sorry your hurting, you know in your heart that you are a strong, brave, wonderful women who deserves nouthing less than the total attention and love from a man. Hang in there darling.
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Wow Survivor.... you totally posted what I was just discussing with my friend today. I know the guy I was dating is a jerk, and a liar etc.... Yet I do still miss him at times. Then I realized I miss what I wanted him to be, what I hoped he could give me etc.. I do not miss the man he is, that I came to see was nothing like what I wanted or needed. If that makes any sense? It's hard moving to a town where the only person I know is him! However I just remind myself as often as I can the reasons we are not together. Seems to be the norm, to find a guy that's not ready for all the awesomeness we have to offer!
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CML - IMO the best way to get over a guy is to start dating another. And I couldnt agree more with Dragon -
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Thanks girls I do hear what you are saying I know I am making some excuses. In my head I did go places and imagined things. Even worse we talked about things when we were getting swept up. The hard part is he is one of my closest friends cousins. She introduced us but didnt know exactly what was going on but I know shes concerned because I have been acting weird. Having dinner with her toningh Going to be hard not to spill my guts... doing it wont do any good. And kward70 I hear ya. When i was away this weekend I had a great time with an old college friend who I hadnt seen in a long time. It was all innocent, some flirting and kissing and a one time thing but it was nice distraction from the angst I knew I was in for and already dealing with. Big question is whether I go back on match I just find that so draining and havent had a lot of luck. I trouble enough with guys I meet through friends etc let alone complete strangers on match.
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CML, I tried to warn you about this guy. Write him off once and for all. Get off the merrygoround.
Mybee, I think we are at similar places in our lives. I do not feel healthy enough yet to date, physically or emotionally, although it wouuld be so nice to have someone in my life. But I have work to do first on myself. And am not happy with my new nipples so am kind of depressed about that.
Kward, I couldn't agree more! The WORST thing to do when you are trying to get over someone is to sit around and miss them.
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Fearless you did. I am working on it. Somehow I do have a feeling he will be back but I know I am not waiting for it.... been there done that before.
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don't worry sisters, I ain't moving for nobody (except if my kids needed me). Anyway, I am just going to have fun and enjoy his company and take it one day at a time. xo
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I too have had no luck on the dating sites, kind of stinks. Fearless how did your exchange go, you had new nipples made and aren't happy? I can sadly totally relate
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CML, you are right - he'll be back - they always resurface at some point. But I hope when he does that you are feeling strong enough to not go back.
DF, the nipples are HUGE. Ladies are telling me they shrink, but they would have to shrink a LOT for me to be happy with them. I thought you were going to go back to NOLA and have them re-do yours? Does insurance cover if we need nipple revision?
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Well mine were huge and now almost non-existent. So they will go down believe me. When were yours done? I just got insurance with my new job. I don't plan on going to NOLA again right away. If I do at all it will be after the 1st of the year and that is a good question about if the insurance would even cover it?
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And speaking from my own experience they don't change, they are just as big of a jerk as the 1st time around. But like fearless said hopefully you'll be stronger and the blinders will be off. You may want to give him another shot, sometimes I know for me that's the closure I need to see that he truly is not for me.
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I agree with DF that they generally don't change. When they do resurface, it's usually because they are lonely or things didn't work out with someone else. I think women are stronger than men in the sense that we can be alone for longer. We may not like it, but we can do it without the need to go looking up people from our past that we may have hurt.
DF, interesting about the nipples - just got mine Friday. Patience is not one of my virtues, lol! Anyways, so glad you have insurance now! That must be a huge relief for you. Had you been carrying Cobra?
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I think the loneliness is key to all of it.... Don't allow yourself to settle. Nope, no cobra, it would of been over 800 a month.
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I agree about not settling. But I'm not looking for perfect, either. I would not expect more from a man than I have to offer. I don't have money, so I wouldn't expect some rich, successful guy. I'm not beautiful, so I don't expect him to be. But a good-hearted, hard-working guy with a sense of humor - that would be great. Loves animals is a huge plus!
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You read my mind!!
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I know you are all right. The blinders are off. If he comes back around I will see where I am but I know I am not going to shut the door to another opportunity. Then again he hasn't completely gone away either... 5 txts today trying to resist responding.
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