Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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That is why I divorced my second husband..... we were together for almost twenty years......we both usually worked different shifts, and after so long of him going one way, and me going the other, we grew apart. We would be in the same house and not speak to each other for days.......it sucked so bad!! I tried to talk to him for weeks about working on things that we needed to work on.....but to no avail. He looked at me one morning and said> What ......do you want a divorce.......I said.....I guess I do. And he moved out....... that was in 2003. In 2004 I met a really nice guy who had a 14yr old daughter. We fell in love. Got married in 2005 and he cheated on me in 2007! Divorced. I am so leary of them guys who ask or say they love me so soon now!!!!! heheheeeeee
I dont think I could get married again. .. just would be nice to have someone to spend time with when we can and enjoy the time we have.......
And thank you for keeping me in your thoughts about the tests coming up....... I so appreciate it
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People suffer tremendous hurts and end up finding love again. You can't let it defeat you. My dad was married 4 times. He wasn't really happy until his last wife. But they were together for many years until his recent death.
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Oh believe me Fearless.......I know...... my dad was 48 when he passed away ( he had had heart condition since he was 35! 3 bypass surgeries, treck.....a bunch of things happened to him during those years) He and my mother were married 13yrs...they married when he was 20. After thier divorce......he was married 8 times more........either he would leave,, or the woman would cheat......something......anyway, I have always HATED divorce!! But 13yrs with my first husband my three son's dad) which was very abusive and then to live in one that was about as non existant as you could get.....then one who cheated on me.......I just don't have the heart for another one. Dad's last wife........they were only together 6mths.....they married after three, he passed away 3mths after they married. THAT was his happiest time in his life tho yes.....they were so in love and It blessed my heart to FINALLY see my dad happy!! He passed away in 1984 and I have see his wife or talked to her a few times since then. She always tells me that even tho she knew nd even tho she lost him, she would do it over and over again. She loved him so much. I just always said, am not in a race with my dad to see how many times I can marry..........I know......I shouldn't think that.......but do....0
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Paula, hrf,
Just wanted to let you know that I heard you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
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Fearless, I hear what you are saying but it has defeated me. My ex husband was abusive. Once we finally split, I spent time trying to improve myself, be a good mom, be a good friend and be open to possibilities......just didn't happen. Like Paula, would be nice to have someone to spend time with, but sometimes for our own health, we have to stop banging our heads against the brick wall because it hurts. I'm tired of having that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says, "this is falling apart" .. "he's lying" "he's cheating" "he's not who he says he is" ..... I don't have the energy to try anymore and I think it's happier to accept what is and not to continue to look for something that is not meant to be. Like I have to accept that I will suffer permanent side effects from having bc 2 dfferent times, I also have to accept that I will spend my life alone. I'm an intelligent, educated woman .... and I learn from experience. For any of you who want to continue looking, I wish you all the best and I hope you find what you want. I'm too old to have my heart broken one more time. Paula, good luck with the upcoming tests
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HRF - I don't know how old you are, but I'm going on 61 and just had my heart broken again. Thought he was a really good man with good character. Found out he was on match.com after we'd been in a relationship for one year minus a week. Could have knocked me over with a feather. Guess I'll keep looking, but not particularly hopeful.
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You and I are about the same age. I think that as we get "more mature" it becomes more difficult for our broken hearts to heal. When you're 17, 18, up to about 22/23 etc. life is about meeting people and being social. So even if getting over a bad relationship, it's not so hard to find a new one quickly. Doesn't happen at age 60. What is wrong with a man who would still be on match after being in a year long relationship? I think it's all about these men - it's not about us. But we are the ones who suffer.
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Hrf, I am sorry you have had to endure so much crap. I can't imagine having to go through BC twice. I'm not going to sound so patronizing as to say that all of us will find love. But I DO believe it's a possibility. I agree with you about it being harder to heal as you get older. I wish I could say something to lift your spirits. I hope that with time that will come, and also as you start to feel better.
I have known you awhile now from this thread, and I wish good things for you.
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hrf so true. Havent been on here in a few days and wow this string has been busy. not even sure where to start commenting. dragonfly you were talking about the guy your friends with...thats my world too. i cant figure that out. anyway been trying to keep busy and not obsess about the man he has been txting me and checking up on what I have been up to via fb. I resisted everything until today when he asked me how the hockey game was last night and questioned who i was with- I had originally said I was going with a girfriend which I did but he was questioning the fb picture of who the guys were-which I then couldnt resist responding UGH! At least he knows I am keeping busy!
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I know what your saying hrf and you are correct I also don't believe all of us are going to find good man their are just too many players out there, and for me I would not have the heart to pick thru them. It just adds insult to injury IMO. My SE from chemo and radiation are so horrendus at times I play 5 things "ranch hand" can do at his house, so he does not see me when I am miserable. I also feel defeated at times. So sorry you are going thru this hrf...Kiley
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CML, Kiley, and Fearless, thanks for your kind words. Let's hope for good things for all but I also think that to set unrealistic expectations can set someone up for being hurt. I guess things just evolve as they will and we can only try to be happy with ourselves and appreciate what we do have. Easier said that done but true. As we all know, life can change in a few seconds. One minute you are healthy and the next, some one tells you that you have cancer.
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Hrf, true, but I wouldn't consider hoping to meet someone an "unrealistic" expectation for any of us.
Kiley, I don't think all men are players. Maybe if you are only going for the good-looking ones - most of them are. But there have been men in my life that I have blown off only to realize later on that they were good men.
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Going back a bit on this busy thread, I had to copy this because this is my experience exactly:I never imagined that I would end up alone - figured at some point I would meet someone and have a loving relationship - married or not - didn't matter. But one relationship after another resulted in me being hurt. They turned out to be emotionally unavailable or liars even though I thought I was being careful. At one point, I took a break from dating. Went back when feeling stronger - met lots of men again - wasn't desperate, took my time .... was looking for a "good" guy ... finally thought I found one. Even checked him out with people who knew him. He pursued me. In the end, he turned out to be a big disappointment - a lot of hurt - and I just can't do it anymore.
Four years ago I went to therapy, read books about emotinally unavailable/passive aggressive guys, how to tell if a guy has good intentions, etc. I carefully weeded through a slew of men online, then started to date the recent break up. Smart, educated, successful in his line of work, management postion, father, with friends and a nice social life.....turned out that he didn't lie so much as pretend, pretend to be what he was not. Pretended for everybody! Things did not make sense and I was confused sometimes, so happy at others. Now I see he was a controlling, emotionally abusive man(Was so to the ex too!) So much makes sense NOW!.I think the biggest thing I learned from this is not to trust the ones who are ga-ga over you before they even know you. They swoop into your life to capture you due to their own insecurities. That has been a pattern. It's flattering at first but they misrepresent themselves to work their way into your lives. This last one, unbeknownst to me, was almost predatory. And once I am in, I'm in! I'm loving, committed and painfully attached. Therapist wants to know why I make excuses and don't love myself first. I don't even know how to answer that. I just try to be understanding and get trampled on, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I REALLY thought I had found HIM, in the beginning. But gradually his persona fell away and his meanness kicked in. Once BC hit, he was prettywell on his way, and still saying cruel things (subtly!) Even his friends (the ones who all told me he was so nice, because I checked him out too) were aghast. So I have learned, if they rush and push you............run!! I believe a truly loving man guards his own heart and takes it slow - because he actually has a heart to break!!
sorry so long...................
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Oh I'm sorry if it sounded as if I was saying all men were players, that was not my intent at all. What I do know is, theres been an awful lot of hurt by men, and it saddens me. I hope and pray all find a good man who will love them, for who they are truly......For me I continue to take it slow, with "D"....Who I've known 3 years, and is so special to me, but in all of what has come from our relationship, I will forever hold a deep respect for him as a friend, lover and whatever else life gives us............He is a dear sweet man..........He is a true Friend and I am have been Blessed......and for that at this time of my life I am very grateful. Be Well All, Kiley
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mybee I can relate to what you are saying. the guy that I was seeing did kind of swoop in at first I was trying to go slow because I knew he was in the process of getting divorced, my father also passed away during this time so I definitely got attached to fast and maybe wouldnt have if the circumstances were different. I do think there is someone out there for everybody. It just gets frustrating to think you may have found it and realize you didnt and/or in my case my timing is always off with guys....
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Very well said Mybee--you are one smart woman! xo
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Thanks for the compliment. CML - Yes timing is important. Former BF came too soon on the heels of my divorce. I was too vulnerable. I think I might have been stronger at a different time and gotten out of it sooner. I really, truly do not believe all men are players. It's really, sadly my own issues that attracts/accepts the types I find. Sometimes they say BC can be a blessing. I don't know if I'd call it a blessing but it has truly opened my eyes and made me stronger, changed me in many ways. And that is good ...
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um, I think I was the one giving you the compliment molly! lol xo
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Oh - I knew that love...... That's why it followed your post
I wanted to say too - Have a great day everybody!! All you beautiful women deserve it!! It's wonderfully sunny here. Hope it is just as beautiful wherever you are!
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HI Fearless One and other ladies
Not sure if I've replied to this thread once before but if I did, it was quite a while ago. I met my now husband January 2011 (we did briefly date approx 4 1/2 years ago but timing wasn't right at all for either of us - he'd only just lost his first wife and I was about to be diagnosed with IDC). He contacted me again out of the blue (said he kept thinking about me when we met 4 years ago) and that he wanted the opportunity to apologise for what happened the first time and that he's like a second chance. To cut a long story short, it was a whirlwind. He knows all about my illness, mastectomy, reconstruction and still another reconstruction to go. He is so supportive, I couldn't ask for more or better - he is amazing to me. He is 100% there for me. Sometimes I even feel a bit guilty as his first wife died of a different sort of cancer and i still need support - is it fair to put him through this with me - but he always reassures me. We got engaged in May and married in August. So what I'd like to say is that there are some good ones out there. I've waited a long long time for 'the one' for me and we found each other. What we have is very special partly due to what he's been through and what I've been through. For us it was about timing. Hope this give you some hope that there are some good uns out there.
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Yes, there are definitely some good ones out there. The key word being "some" .... not lots. Some women find good ones. Many of us don't
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I never thought I would ever find anybody for me - a lot of my friends have been married for years - I guess I was lucky but I'm not sure we'll ever be able to have children as chemo seems to have sent my hormones all over the place!
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Remember, men get burned, too. Look at all the women who just want a successful man or a good-looking man. One of my ex's, his wife of 23 years left him - and remarried within 2 years, I think it was. Another guy I know was left by his GF of 8 years - she ended up marrying the man she had been cheating on him with! Everyone gets hurt. Some go into a shell afterwards, some become bitter, some go on the rebound, some get back into it slowly. Only each person can know what is best for them.
But make no mistake - everyone cries, everyone gets hurt. You have to pull yourself back up and try again.
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RebzAmy, I am sorry that your dreams of children might have been compromised. It may not be impossible....yet....I hope there is still a possibility for children for you.
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Hopefully Hrf is correct - what do your doctors say? Perhaps there is something they can give you just temporarily until you can get pregnant?
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hrf and Fearless_One
I'm going to see a fertility specialist soon so we'll see what happens. IN the meantime, I have a stepson who is 10 years old - he's lovely. I also donated eggs for somebody 6 years ago - they had a gorgeous son who I see regularly so that helps so although my dreams of getting married are now fulfilled, my dreams of actually giving birth to my own child haven't been fufilled but I think I came to terms with the fact that I might never have my own child a long time ago as back then I longed for a child - I'm not craving it so much anymore though. Think I'm more satisfied with my lot and coming through this horrible illness. My husband would love us to have a child but he also says that if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen - he's the most amazing father to his/our son.
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RebzAmy, don't give up hope yet. Just see what the fertility specialist says first. In any event, sounds like you have an awesome hubby - proof that you CAN find love after all this BC crap!
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So happy for you RebazAmy! Congratulations! My neighbors have adoted 7 children and they are all awesome. It is something to think about also! Best Wishes to you and Yours...Kiley
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Thank you Fearless_One and Kiley we will keep trying and I won't give up hope of having my own child. I also know friends who foster children which is amazing as these kids desparately need a safe, loving and secure environment and my friends give it to them until somebody adopts them or they go back to their parent/s. Adopting is definitely something I will think about. All the best to you and happy thanksgiving xxx
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Here it is Thanksgiving night...kids and grandkids have gone home. I feel ungrateful for wanting more. I have actually met two (yes TWO) nice guys online. Been seeing both of them for a ffew weeks now. So there are some really nice guys out there. But I don't think I'm going to love either one of them. Just not there. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. One was married for 41 years; his wife messed around on him. He'd be devoted and faithful and I could see we could have a good life together, BUT don't think I could fall in love with him. Other stood by his girlfriend of 7 years through a year of cancer and her death. Not breast cancer - whew!, But still terrible. So I know he would be the kind of guy to stand by me, but again don't think I can fall in love with him. So...am I crazy or what?!
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