Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
Comments
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Mybee, I hope you are healing well? As for trust, it works both ways - you can be TOO trusting OR have "trust issues". I have been accused of the latter by several men. When I was young I was too naive. Now I am too cynical. I need to trust more.0
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I don't know, I have issues for sure in this area. I can be trusted 110% but can't seem to trust completely in people. I think I am too cynical, and have been lied to so much. Spent 10 years married to a super compulsive liar (however you word that) he lied about everything, to where you question your own sanity. Then this other guy I thought was good, but I missed a lot of red flags and gave him the benefit of the doubt too often. My question is... how do you know if you go with your gut, or take action on the "red flag".... or if it's your over reacting and analyzing things to death???
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That's the issue in a nutshell. All that self-doubt can leave you not kowing which end is up. My goal next time is to go slow and trust in increments. So then, if there are red flags, I have time between dates to think about them. I just read somewhere today, to write them down, so that you train yourself to listen to your own feelings but also so you can see if there is a pattern. Too many red flags and he goes, hopefully before you're too attached. Anyway, that's the plan.
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I tried so hard with this last guy, when i thought thwere were red flags I'd talk to the girls on here, my great friends and try to see if it was me that was acting crazy or being paranoid or if i should really be concerned. I think I just wanted to believe he was a good guy, so you tend to push those gut instincts to the back burner. Live and learn I suppose, won't know til you try! Course after last night... lol
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DF, I do remember this guy was still on-line after you had seen him numerous times. For me, I think that was the biggest flag. I know it's hard, and you want to be patient....but with on-line dating, I give them 2 months MAX. If they still feel the need to keep "searching" after that amount of time with me, then i know I am not the one for them.
Of course, if someone is just looking for a fling, the 2-month rule need not apply...but I think you want and deserve more than a fling.
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You're right I do want more than that.. It was a huge red flag and I chose to be stupid about it!
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I found out after I/we broke up that my bf of 4 yrs kept his profile 'inactive' during the entire relationship. I deleted mine of course, early on. I thought it was pretty weird. I think he thought he was being practical. Mind you this man put $25-30,000 into my house in materials to remodel, paid for all travel, dinners, entertainment, etc. He was not a rich man either, just had a good, stable income. But he never actually moved in. It was a very confusing relationship.
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I think they are all so confusing!! Boys drive me bonkers
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I am bailing on tonight. I found out he likes the other girl that was going
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What?? That stinks but still could be fun but I would feel like a 3rd wheel
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Fearless...how did you find out about the other girl? Maybe it's not true?
Mybee...I like the idea of writing down the red flags. Gives us time to mull it over and not let stuff go that we shouldn't ignore. I ignored the red flag when my last guy told me early on he usually gets bored with the women he dates. Thought it wouldn't happen with me...guess what? He got bored and moved on. Could have saved myself a lot of heartache.
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Fearless, how did you find out?
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Twoputter- it's funny but they do give you clues early on.
I liked the writing idea too. Puts it in black and white.
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I mentioned that M (the other girl) seemed in better spirits today, and the woman said that's because J is coming tonight (the guy I like). And I said, "oh, M likes him"? And she said yeah, but he is the one that started it, and has been emailing her, but hasn't asked her out yet.
DF, exactly. There was just no reason to go. It would be the two of them, and two other people, but they are both married.
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And for those of you who said you felt unattractive because of your weight, this other girl is probably around 50 pounds overweight, so see? It doesn't matter. If they are attracted, they are attracted.
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That's too bad.
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Plus they are both professionals (higher up on the work food-chain), and most people tend to date within their own socio-economic class. That's just the way it is. I am just a bookkeeper.
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I guess it's time for me to start on-line dating again. It's been so long. I don't know what to say in my profile. It feels new to me because I don't feel like the same person I was back then. So much has changed.
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Sometimes less is more. Let them reveal themselves. Again in my recent reading, they said that creeps will read a profile and then mimic the interests of the woman in order to manipulate into their lives, for whatever reason. And it could be a well-intended reason. But you want to know who they are not who they want you to think they are (as in just like you and the perfect man for you).
You can tell I have been thinking a lot about this stuff lately. Really wanting to change some patterns.
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Mybee, I agree with you. Besides, I think ultimately, men are just going to contact who they are attracted to. They are going to take one look at your pictures and then know whether or not they want to make contact. If they aren't attracted, my profile won't matter.
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I'd give you tips but apparently my profile is unattractive to men
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You know what, my former BF, when we started disagreeing about so many basic values and things/arguing a lot, I said "But you read my profile. You knew how I felt about this and who I was. I said what I was looking for". His reply: "I didn't actually read your profile. I just looked at the pictures". He told me that's what most guys do. And they like a full body picture as well as a face shot. We discussed it.
Dont shoot the messenger
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I figured that was the case, I've shortened mine up a lot recently too.
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Mybee, I rest my case. See? They really don't care about your profile - unless someone sounds like a raging psycho or something.
DF, looking at your pretty face, I seriously doubt they find you unattractive. It's just a bad time of year, it's the holidays. Everyone is paired up like Partriges in Pear trees. After the New Year, people start breaking up with people, and single people that have been in hibernation start to come out again.
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I had never thought about the photos that way but it makes sense.
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It works the same for women, but to a greater extent for men. But if you see guy's picture and you are not attracted to him, chances are it won't matter what his profile says. I know at least for me, there has to be some spark. That doesn't mean he has to be good-looking - he doesn't. But something there has to appeal to me, physically.
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I agree.
I was on POF several times (inactivated or closed my profile when I was dating someone - one at a time please
) What I would recommend DF is to close your profile and then rejoin after a bit, with a new photo or two. You will immediately pop up as new to the site, go into a lot of inboxes, etc. and attract renewed interest. You'll get a lot of hits immediately. It's like real estate. They tell you to do the same thing with your house if it isn't moving (at least in the old economy). If a property sits too long, buyers start to wonder what is wrong with it.On a different note - Here is a link to an article/program I have found interesting over the past week. I haven't bought any ebooks, yet, but might.
http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/how-can-i-ever-trust-again/#comment-918
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I did that
I had my profile inactive or deleted when I was dating loser. I started it back up and added new photos. I always struggle with what to write in the initial emails...0 -
If you are inactive and then become active, I don't think you come up as a new member and won't get the same response.
As far as the initial emails, ask them questions. Men love to talk about themselves. Or be a little provocative. They love that too. But they don't want to type for too long. Most of them are not good typists and don't have the patience. They just suffer through it to meet you in person.
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Very good point about wanting to just meet in person. I notice too I ask questions they answer and go on and on but don't tend to ask questions back. Or we'll email back and forth and I think it's going good and then they stop
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