Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Well. I had a couple of drinks and a nice appetizer. I got prettied up and that was good too. I didn't think the 10 year age difference would be such a big deal but it was with this gentleman. I need someone a little younger at heart. He wore a suit. At my age that 10 years makes it seem like a generation. I think because of the cultural changes in the 60s/70s there is a big difference when you get a little older than me. But it was good to get out.
I don't know why I joined this dating site, other than it was 3 a.m. and I have time on my hands, but I think part of it is just getting used to talking to men knowing I've had this recon. Kind of rolling over in my mind how I would bring up the subject if I met someone special.
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I didn't know he was younger than you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's not something I would do since I am looking to get married, but if you are just looking for someone to do things with, someone you are attracted to and it makes you happy, then that is all that matters.
Is that what you are looking for, or do you want something serious if you met the right person? I never assume everyone is like me - not all women want to be in a relationship.
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He was older than me. In his mid-60's. I was not attracted to him for a number of reasons that did not include age. But that's okay. It's what it's all about.
I don't really know what I want right now. My life is pretty full but adult companionship, a male confidant might be nice. If he was great, then the relationship would follow. Eventually I definitely would like a relationship, but I do love my freedom, esp. as I get older. I just have gotten more and more independent. esp. after going through BC without a partner.
I am only on one dating site. There is a man I'm gong to call in a day or two. He is 5-6 yrs. younger than I. Lives close, nice job in a medical field.
What is it you would like?
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I kind of feel the same. I'm very independent, have an amazing group of friends and a small but close family. I have dated before, where he was staying 3 or 4 nights a week at my house. That was too much for me and he started getting annoying and I looked forward to him not being there. Makes me think, have I been single too long? Maybe it was just that he was not the right guy?? I love my freedom, and not feeling like I have to impress someone or answer to anyone etc.... Then on the flip side, I would like the relationship, and would like to find someone to be with as a family, etc...So I'm just seeing what's out there and keeping the options open.
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Hello, brand new to this thread. I have been thinking about this ALOT. I just turned 40, my youngest daughter will start college next fall and it will just be me. I have about a year to go before my exchange. I look like crap now. Gained so much weight because of all my surgeries. It sucks. But I wonder...will I ever be able to date and how do you bring up the subject of the boobage area. What will mine look like after? Ugh... I've been single for over ten years by choice. I chose to put my life on the back burner for my kids. And then damn cancer comes and derails that!
In any case...like I said, I'm starting to wonder. I don't want to turn in to the old women you see on the news with 500 cats in her house!
Dragonfly...yes, I think a part of it is being single a long time but we have gotten to know ourselves better and what we want. Annoying men in our houses is not what we want especially after dealing with cancer. I like my independence and want someone who is secure in that. I do hope that, if it's the right guy, I'll be able to recognize that and know when it's ok to compromise. That's a little hard for my Aries brain..
Michelle
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I think that is a good way to put it. I would need to be with someone who respected my independence and my ability to be an equal. Someone who doesn't need to be 'the man' and in charge all the time but someone who can be a man, when life calls for strength.
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I wish there were like buttons on posts like on facebook!
mybee333 *like*
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I wish I could be more like you ladies - you are much more independent than I am, emotionally. I am very lonely and for as long as I remember (about age 25 or so) I have wanted to settle down and marry.
I don't think being single for a long time has anything to do with relishing your independence and wanting to remain single. I have been single for most of my adult life and I don't feel that way.
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mrochon- thanks.
I think it comes not from being single but from having been burned, or controlled or feeling stuck with a man and feeling maybe you won't get out. This last relationship was no picnic.
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For me it's a mixture of everything, I don't want to fail again at a relationship/marriage, or be stuck in one, or get my heart broke. I also do love my freedom, love being completely me in my own home, and if at 10:00 at night I decide to drive an hour and a half and visit a friend I do it, no one at home to get in the way.
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Mybee, I like what you wrote: I would need to be with someone who respected my independence and my ability to be an equal. Someone who doesn't need to be 'the man' and in charge all the time but someone who can be a man, when life calls for strength.
It's about wanting an equal not someone to take control. I think it is very possible but it's hard to find a partner who will respect that. DF, I think the guy was annoying because he wasn't the right guy.
I think best to find a friend who turns into a lover and partner instead of looking for the partner. Go slow and take time to get to know someone. At this stage, unless someone is wanting to have children, what's the rush? For many of us, the biological clock stopped ticking either by itself or medically induced.
Fearless, I hear you and I understand. I don't mean any disrespect but the approach you are taking isn't working. Instead of fixating on the relationship, just try to meet people who might become friends. That might be the best way to find the right guy. I hope I haven't insulted you - I'm just trying to be helpful.
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I' ve been thinking about it and I think that too is what I would like. I would like to start out as friends and have it grow. I have done that madly in love thing enough to know it doesn't last and ........it blinds you. It blinds you to who the person is and who you really are. But someone to talk to, do something with on a weekend. I would like to stay me from here on out, say for the rest of my life. This last guy was too controlling; I lost myself (again). I become too much of a pleaser.
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Hrf, you didn't insult me at all. But at 46, I am not really looking to make friends with a guy. And many men in their 50's aren't looking to make friends, either. Most of them have been divorced and are looking for a new partner. By the time you reach our age (unlike in your 20's and 30's), most men know what they want in a woman.
I find three types of men in their 50's (which is the age bracket I look for):
Those that have been divorced and NEVER wish to marry again (although I find this rare - and statistically, most will remarry).
Those that have been divorced and are eager to start a new life with someone else
Those whose divorce is too recent and they are still healing
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Mybee, I'm with you 100% ... we are too "mature" to lose ourself in someone else again although it is so easy to become that pleaser. But having the kind of positive relationship that you describe is what leads to the love and companionship and passion we want....in an ideal world
Fearless, glad I didn't insult you. I have a question for you. How can you have a romantic relationshiop that lasts if you don't become friends first? How well is your strategy working for you at this time?
There are also men who are widowed. There are men who have never been married. There are men who want a woman to take care of them. There are men who just want to fool around (even in their 50's.) ... I guess what I'm saying - IMHO, each man is different with different needs and wants - but everyone wants friendship. Regardless of how passionate a relationship starts, the passion eventually cools off and it's the friendship that keep people together. But again I may be the only one who thinks that way. And I've been married only once so I'm no expert. You have to do what works for you. And I've been pretty clear that after all my mistakes, I'm not putting myself out there again because I don't want to deal with more pain. Those of you who have been more successful than I should be the ones offering advice.
Fearless, as long as you feel confident about how you are dealing with things, that's all that matters.
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I'm curious how many truly happy and successful marriages/relationships are based on statistics? I am no expert either that's for sure. I think when it comes to true love it will happen, statistic or not. Also you may not want to get yourself out there and date, or may only make a new fried or 2 but what if that new friend is friends with or related to your soul mate and introduces you??
So there is this guy, a friend of a friend that I've never met. We talked on Facebook a lot and text too now. I think he seems nice enough, but he would be the type to annoy me. Actually he already does, he's way too sensitive and I could see him being the clingy needy type. I had to cancel on hanging out a couple times, he says he's ok with it but will remind me of it on occasion. Plus he'll text me and I'll respond all happy and friendly, then I'll say something like I'm watching a movie or whatever and he'll respond with oh ok, sorry I bothered you then I don't hear from him again for a few days. It's the oddest thing!! I need to find the happy medium, the guys that don't show enough interest for me to feel secure in the relationship, or guys like this that to me are over the top!!0 -
Love talking to you guys about this. I am still in my new relationship with my new gentleman friend and I must say I am falling. He is very sincere, and we are taking it slow and enjoying being friends and confidants and doing fun outdoor stuff together. He is really great. But, he is planning to move back to NC when his daughter graduates from college. But, we are having a great time with no sex just cuddling so far which is just how I want it so far. I admire all my bc sisters for their honesty and courage in the face of the beast. xo
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Dragonfly...I totally get you! I can't stand clingy and sensitive. You know if women are that way, we are called psycho. I was 'with' this guy on and off for the past 8 years up until last year. I say 'with' because I didn't consider us boyfriend and girlfriend but he may have. He would call EVERY night at the same time. If I didn't answer he'd leave the same message...just leaving work, checking in... Why? Why are you checking in? How old are you? I'm not your mother! And if I didn't answer I could expect to have my cell ringing on the hour every hour until I did. Ugh... And if I didn't talk to him for a few days, he would send me passive aggressive emails...I know you're ignoring me but.. OMG! That only made me really ignore him. I have two kids, they are my priority not YOU!
So you may be asking what about him did I actually like and why did I stick around so to speak? Well when I could tolerate him he was a complete nerd like me. We could watch documentaries for hours and talk about foreign policy like we were at Disneyland! lol If anyone were to judge me based on what was on my bookshelf at home or in my dvd collection, they would think I was the most boring-est person in the world. But remarkably enough, I'm just the opposite. He really wasn't, that was pretty much what he was all about. Sex wasn't even great. He was so mechanical...ummm really? Are you following a step by step how-to book here?
I'm skew male in my thinking, which is why I think it's tough for me to be in relationships. Did you ever see that movie, He's Just Not That Into You? Well I'm not the girlfriend who gives my girlfriends excuses why the guy didn't call. I'm the bartender guy in that movie.
Now I wonder when I'm ready to get out there after I'm all done with my surgeries and get my self confidence back, if I will have an even thicker brick wall up.
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Going back a bit - That initial infatuation/passion, great as it is, does wane, and then you are left with a real person. In my prev. situation, it took a long time to wane bcuz he travelled for work. So I think the infatuation/great sex thing was there for at least 2 yrs., possibly more. As it wore off, I began to see I was with someone I didn't want to be with, so I tried to modify him a bit to no avail.. But I was SO attached, we dragged it out to a bitter end. It would be nice to avoid that mess.
BC AND that relationship has made me reach my bottom as far as compromising who I am any longer. I would rather be alone.
On the dating sites, when I was on POF, Match, I found all the men wanted sex, badly. They didn't want to be friends, not because they were pervs but because they had been in long term relationships and had been used to regular sex. Or marriages that became sexless. It was I think a physical need. They trembled when they touched you. Some pretty lonely guys too. But many of them had a lot of baggage from those relationships too. So in a way I think hrf and fearless, you are both right.
I have read statistics that say that most married women are not happy but that the majority of married men are. I think men are hard to live with. Compromise is hard for them but also they always have a chauvinist bone, somewhere, in their body. Some more, some less. I think finding an equal relationshp will be tough if that is what we are looking for. I have some friends who have them, two come to mind, so I think it is possible.
DF - Actual or emotional unavailability can be a magnet. Watch yourself and think of why you might be like this. I speak from experience.
Lovemy f.- I am happy for you. Your rel. sounds lovely. Too bad he is leaving.
Molly
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Are you saying I'm unavailable? Quite the opposite but I do not want a cling on either.
I'll write more later, I can't see full page on my tiny iPhone
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No - not that you are unavailable, but that perhaps if the man is a bit cooler, perhaps (I dont know you), you find him more attractive. It is pretty commom with women. I know I have been like that.
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Well that to me seems to go with me feeling very independent and not over the top needy. That's why I say I don't know if I could handle a full on marriage or relationship 24/7 with a guy? Maybe if I find the right one? Time will tell, I am just used to living alone with my daughter basically since 2006. It works... I still miss that relationship, the someone to spend time with and the other aspects of a relationship though...
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I think we have to remail true to ourselves and look for a relationship that works for us. Don't pretend to be someone else just to please a man. And don't let a guy push you into something you don't want.
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Hrf, by "friends first", I mean not starting out dating. Most couples start off by dating. Sure, sometimes people become friends and years later they eventually hook up and may marry, but generally it starts with an attraction/chemistry and you go from there.
If I were younger, that would be different. But at 46, I am not willing to spend what little time I may have left on pursuing a friendship. Time is not a friend to us once you get past 35 or so. That's just the reality of it. The dating pool shrinks significantly.
I certainly appreciate your input and welcome it anytime, though :-) I am single right now because I never leave the house except to go to work.
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Okay - met a new guy online. We talk on the phone for 10 or so mins. Then he has to leave to pick up his kids. No prob. I say call back anytime - no rush. Calls back in a few hours. I'm grocery shopping. I offer to call him tomorrow. Tells me he cries every day about the break up with his girlfriend that happened two mos. ago. She cheated on him. Says he feels relief and peace after crying. Seems nice enough but I have a sense to cut and run. Seems too early for him (let alone me). Also seems like a prob. to talk about this in first 10 min. phone call. Red flag? I'm a little icked out. 5 yrs. younger than me. Has no plans to do anything with his two twins daughters this week. I don't want anybody too dependent.
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Move on to the next one, this guy is not ready and has too much drama/baggage, doesn't sound like he can think about you and give much right now?
The guy I had fun with never contacted me again so I'm still taking applications0 -
Mybee, big red flag --move on
DF - keep accepting applications. The right one is out there
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Yeah - I don't even want to call him today. I think I'll just send a message, tell him to give himself some time and move on. When you don't even want to talk to the guy.............
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Sounds like a good plan!
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Had a date last night - he had 6 drinks and didn't ask me any questions. Needless to say I haven't talked ot him today. Meeting someone new next week who lives a few miles from me. Guys are funny and dating is strange.
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Dating is strange, holy hell 6 drinks??? Man 1 or 2 would be sufficient, what a winner! Good luck next week
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